GRAND OPENING: Pins/Buttons, Baby!

It doesn't get any better than this. Hot & Fast & Cheap & Cool! We're talking 3-D here -- real, live, pin-to-your-peter-pan-collar buttons/pins, wear them here there and everywhere. It's Buttons, Baby! Just in time for the holiday season we bring you your best idea yet -- tiny & shiny buttons that everyone can enjoy together -- male or female, dog or cat, reader or illiterate, homo or strai or bisexual, emo or sunshiney, short or tall, multi-limbed or amputee, rich or poor, dentist or dairy farmer, mother or cousin, these buttons will please & satisfy and they're now on sale in the Autowin Store.

Whether a stocking stuffer or a smokin' hot accessory for your messenger bag, butt, bikini, stuffed animal or fedora, buttons are better than ice cream [not better than Pinkberry, though they are, in fact, less expensive than Pinkberry] and sweeter than Splenda.

These buttons are tokens of affection, apparel of perfection, and the bestest hottest people in the world will be sporting them now & forevermore. Shouldn't you be one of them?

The store is up & running -- it doesn't look that good right now but we're working on it. We wanted to be sure you could get these by Christmas so we had to do a rush job on the website but the buttons, however, are perfect specimens, conceptualized by me & Team Awesome and translated into design magic by Semicolon.

I'll probs offer a few more fun things this week, but I can tell you this for certain: anyone who makes an order on today, DECEMBER 16TH or 17TH, will get ONE FREE BUTTON of your choice! It's actually $0.01, 'cause PayPal is a bitch. But that's practically free, buy it now before the Dow crashes.

Meet The Buttons

TINK!, inspired by Tinkerbell, Queen Chief Dog of Princess Worldwide Honor Society. May she bring you 30% of the joy and male dog attention she brings to me. That's actually quite a lot. For all dog lovers and/or haters everywhere.

Or I TOTES HEART ROCK BOTTOM, inspired by, I believe, mememememe, because this one time I said "I Totes Heart Rock Bottom" in a comment 'cause the blog post kinda went on into comments, and then someone said it back, and then we kept on saying it. Now you can say it ... in silver! The letters tumble, just like your soul and your feelings. Obvs every silver lining has a touch of grey, but this one is actually mostly silver.


Or OBVS, inspired by how you feel when she says that thing you totes agree with. Just point. Works for all people in all seasons.

Or UH HUH ... HER? In middle school, I had "best" and she had "friends." In post-post college ennui, it's "UH HUH" "HER?" You can wear them both. Then everyone will know ... how cool you are. Just prepare to be asked about PJ Harvey.

Or AUTOMATIC WINNER, inspired by semi-automatic weapons, love, feelings, and all things good and holy. It's your golden ticket to the winner's circle. Tell the world you've got it on lockdown.

++

Yup. You want some ... uh huh ... and you'll get autostraddle stickers too, which fit perfectly over the "composition" square on your composition book, or on haviland's bumper, or on your butt.

Even if you have no idea what this blog is, these buttons are still super cute. That's one of the best parts. You can also load up your cart with other delightful Auto-Store items while you're shopping.

We'll have more photos of the buttons soon, but we haven't had time yet. We've been gearing up to ship out all orders within 24 hours of being ordered so if you order on the 16th it will be in the mail on the 17th and so forth. In case you want to surprise your girlfriend/boyfriend/boifriend with something special besides your vadge/whatevs.

Also we just like to make things for y'all. In my next life, I will devote myself wholly to arts & crafts.

GO TO THE AUTOWIN STORE RIGHT NOW!

Automatic Funday! 12.11.2008

Firstly, Mystery Auto- Store Special Surprise Ad Campaign #1: I present an animated gif[t] ... What is it? A bird? A plane? A stocking stuffer? Something fabulous? Something cheap, fast, and good? Something that might be available for sale in the Auto-Store next week? I dunno ...

The good thing about having a backlist of blog posts to write/make is that I'm not having to consciously brainstorm all the time. The downside is all these ideas in my head rubbing up against each other before I have time to get them out! My head is full, most of it is just packing peanuts, and I wish I could swap things out onto an external hard drive. I bet I could learn this at Welding School. I need to get serious about life right now you guys. I've been really into coloring lately. I colored a picture for Alexi's Vlog and then I just colored a picture to mail to Krista with The L Word. She gets a free DVD set for texting me to say her Shane dreams had returned "with a vengeance" and for listening to me cry a lot in 1998 and 2004.

Asher just invented and/or told me about this thing, it's called blogstar. She says: *apparently, a blogstar is made when two blogs i read completely separate from one another become united in the lovely little world of the interwebs." This happened today for her when she saw me on Achtung Baby!, a blog that I don't know how to describe, because the way it feels to me is like my oldest friend is sitting next to me in the park like "hey, read this," "hey, listen to this," and I'm like "ok," 'cause it's something I already know I'll like, or already do like, and if not, it's something I will like really soon. Or if I'm not at the park, he'll just like mail me a mix tape or whatever. That's what it's like for me. You know? Anyhow you should read it, or whatever it is you kids do these days.

I'm trying to think of any blogstar moments I've experienced with blogger co-breeding. Many claimed blogstarred when Lozo and I first appeared on one another's blogs.

Probs when I realized that Emily Gould was the girl that wrote heartbreak soup with her friend Ruth, but that's not a blogstar 'cause it's just realizing one person you know in two contexts is not two different contexted people but just one person. Do you follow? I certainly don't. Also, when I realized Amish in the City was written by my friend Amish from college, not some Amish guy. I guess I just described the same not blogstar-ish situation again. I'm gonna go back to watching Funny Face until I fall asleep. G-d, I'm so fucking cool.

Let's proceed. Spread your legs.

---

Quote: "I was writing in a spiral notebook, I thought, why can't I be famous right now. Why can't I just act that way. Why can't I record everything down like my life counts, like I'm the Queen of England or Bobby Vee, and that way I can be safe and not have to wait to die to be important. Why can't I live right now. Because I am not rich, I am not a saint. But I do know this; not all of us were sent here to work." (Eileen Myles, Cool for You)

---

Links:
1. Alex Beam calls out Lauren Slater who wrote our Book Club Book #2 Lying! Thank you for oversharing.(@boston.com)
2. I loathe this article -- Gender Bender: Should gender equality extend to drinking? on so many levels. Primarily, I have no idea why it had to be addressed as a men vs. women thing. Can women be analyzed as indpendent creatures -- if you're that insistent on making the distinction of two genders to begin with -- and not just compared to men as if whatever factoid you shared would make its own point? I think articles like this are a greater threat to feminism and my intestines than a vodka tonic. Interesting statistics do not a story make. They CAN, but you still need a story, and this writer doesn't have one, apparently. (@nyfuckingmagazine)
3. Luckily Tracie already wrote a kick-as rebuttal. (@one d at a time)
4. I wish I'd been the first one to think of this joke, it's a perfect perfect joke. The People Closet Issue. (@gawker)
5. Nobelist Leo Clezio to Publishers: "The Book Is the Ideal Tool" (@critical mass)
6. Gay Marraige - Our Mutual Joy. What the Bible Really Says About Gay marraige. (@newsweek) (thx to haviland)
7. This reminds me of the stagehands union thing - the $73-an-hour autoworker in detroit salary total garbage lie thing: Adding it Up. (@nytimes)
8. Bizarre sad day in publishing ... NPR shutters news & notes, day to day and major book coverage, and james frey interns at Gawker.
9. Meet Elisabeth Frisinger: She lost her virginity and accidentally texted her dad. (@inquisitr) (thx caitlinmae)
10.The stubbornly seductive perils of justice porn like Judge Judy Thank You Your Honor May I Have Another? (@reason magazine)

Semi-automatic DIY Mechanics : 'Zine Issue #1 is (almost) more fun than day-dreaming on 8-20-08

Look what all the cool kids are doing when they can't sleep?
++
WE MADE A 'ZINE AND YOU CAN OWN IT!

Last night The Mighty Rockford Peaches played & lost another basketball game. I wasn't there, I was at home, popping codeine for my aching back and doing arts & crafts 'cause I wanted to have something to show for myself when semicolon returned from the Tough Game. "Look!" I told Twitter: "I made an insomnia poetry book!" And Twitter said it was good.

As y'all know, if a tree falls in a forest and no-one hears it, who cares? Similarly, if I make a 'zine for tinkerbell but not for the blogopshere, then no-one can comment on it, and then it doesn't count. So, semicolon took my hodge-podge slapshot creation away from my feeble hands and transformed it into SLAPSHOT MAGIC. It's packed with 10 insomnia poems, including one you can't find on the internets! Special BOOK EXCLUSIVE. Want one?

Of course you do! It's super cheap, free shipping for everyone, even for the sleeping children of Narnia. You'll also get free Auto-Straddle stickers! Also I did the cover art, just saying. (Babypop did the lettering, I drew a pickshur of myself) I'm very multi-talented. Even if you've not read it, if you think you know how good it's gonna be, please share in the comments. We'll be collecting blurbs for the back cover today.

Check out some sample pages:

++
++BTW, I've had a long love affair with the 'zine, having hit adolescence at the zenith of the riot grrl/zine-ing explosion. I had one, I've got many, and I could talk about 'zines all day. Perhaps theres 2-3 girls in the audience tonight who know what I'm talking about. Can I get a witness? Maybe I'll take a field trip to the Barnard Zine Libraray to get back into the craft. 'Cause that's what I need. Another non-profit hobby. Also, FYI Blogs are not zines..

++

[croadcore /cristy c.road]

Since I was on a roll with the arts&crafts I applied a similar can-do spirit to figuring out the store HTML & consequently did auto-store inventory. If you visit the store page, you may notice that I'm slashing prices like Wal-Mart. Why? 'Cause I'm moving and I'm trying to get rid of 50% of my stuff ... and 'cause I wanna get crackin' on the next round of auto-gear STAT using colors like grey and black 'cause this time we picked some SERIOUS colors and Crystal only wears black. I think my design team didn't realize that many people (especially men & lesbians) aren't neon sprites of rock 'n roll and pop-pleasure like my lovely friends are, and these darker souls want something subtle. Also I learned a lot about you people doing inventory, like that none of y'all are skinny like Shane 'cause XS boy-briefs are still fully stocked! They don't fit me either, but I have an ethnic ass. Chase the remains of auto-gear stock at the store (we're out of Papi-tees in Medium, FYI, so grab the last Large NOW!) here.

If you ever at any point purchased auto-gear or are purchasing it now, you have the option of clicking the "with auto-gear" button next to the 'zine and you can get a copy UNDER COST -- yes, just $5 sweet bucks. For the former -- you're fully welcome to pay full price if you want, but I totally get it if you want to get a bargain 'cause the auto-gear was full price. Also don't underestimate the power of where your money went: The Super-Important Foundation for Riese's Brill Ideas/Recaps and The Layla Love Angel Fund. Seriously, you're all very special and I love you all as friends. Except for the meanies.

++

Last year I blogged about Dream-Whip, my favorite 'zine of all time, and the good folks at Microcosm Publishing sent me all this awesome stuff, like Cristy C. Road's zine Indestructible (initially intended to be the final issue of GREENZINE). All the art in this post is Cristy' s. Also, she's in that Live Through This: On Creativity and Self Destruction book I threw out there for Book Club #1 and read anyway.

++

[cristy c. road ]
++

quote: "Sometimes as I'm drifting towards sleep, in the beginnings of that dissolution, I wonder where I am, when this is, and realize that at these moments I could be anywhere, anytime, for all I know: eight and napping in the trailer, my broken arm in a cast, or thirteen at night clutching a pillow to my neck, or twenty in the arms of my boyfriend, or twenty-seven in the arms of my husband or thirty-three next to my imaginary daughter; at every place in the whole spinning shape that is my life, when I am falling asleep, I am the same person, the identical awareness, the same fuzzball of mind, the same muck of nerves, all along the line. I forage through my life and everywhere -- there, there, and there -- it is only me in it, the very same me, the same harmless lump, the same soggy weirdo, the same sleeping, breathing bun." (Lorrie Moore, "Angarams")

---

links:
1) Perez Hilton Burned Up the Blogosphere, Cosmetics, Fashion -- and Music (@wired)
2) I wanted to link to this article but it's just for Harper's subscribers so I extended my privileges to y'all and downloaded it for you to download from me: Elegy for a Rubber Stamp by Lewis H. Lapham, on the memorializing of Tim Russert: "I don't doubt that Russert was as good at the game as anybody in Washington, but why the five-star goodybe? ... why a requiem mass for a pet canary? (@harpers)
3) Why Zines Won't Die (@good magazine - 2007)
4) What kind of person Blogs ? (@bps research digest) and Who Blogs? (@science direct). E.g., neurotic females = likely to blog.
5) I Meet the Business End of Citibank's Anti-Adult Business Policy (@waking vixen)
6) It's a Maddow Maddow Maddow World: "Huzzah huzzah and glory be! Today is a day of great jubilation and celebration here at Broadsheet!" (@salon)
7) "What's the Buzz?": the search for the perfect caffeine-infused snack, (@slate.com)
8) 14 Ways to Use Twitter Politely (@the morning news)
9) How "the man" kept Playgirl down: Believe it or not, there was a time when women read Playgirl for the articles. (@maclean's CA)
10) Baring their souls: From Carole King to Tori Amos, confessional artists have sung with searing honesty about everything from divorce to menstruation. As Liz Phair's classic album Exile in Guyville is re-released, Laura Barton celebrates the women who shared their dreams and demons. (@the guardian uk)
11) Awake by Tobias Wolff (@the new yorker)

++

++

automatic writing is fun and no day but today, 8-12-08

[Hello! It's me, the sidenote-in-brackets! I'm still waiting for LYING to come in the mail. When it does, all ye auto-gear buyers & contest enter-ers will have your glorious moment. There's still time to order stylish clothing for the whole family.] So, Peaches closed up. She was a good writer and had a cute ass. Sigh. Lozo is gonna become a sports blog for a week in September 'cause he's dissatisfied with the best sports blogs lately so he's gonna try to do it himself. Maybe I'll turn Auto-Straddle into a full-fledged After-Ellen/Queerty/Our Chart BUT BETTER blog for a week. I could solicit donations in exchange for earplugs that Haviland once wore in her actual ears. Basically what I'm offering you is a chance to enter the solar system on the tails of a big bright shining star. Take it or leave it. Actually; that's not such a bad idea. I could persuade my favorite lesbos to write fun things [pay it forward!], and I could see my friends even less than I already do. Okay I just had like 50 ideas at once, I need to take a nap. Or go to sleep. Ha! Yeondoo Jung's series "Wonderland" [it features staged photographs from children's drawings. It's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, like ... ever.] ++ insomnia poem #9: i was playing "swimming pool" when my computer froze under the ice, hearts beating still inspiration's dumb dirt has done its best to be soil, to rise up. i make my own snacks. right now it's nuts & dark chocolate in a zip-lock bag, delicious like sid vicious. this is the skinny bitch diet. i don't remember the last time i cried i used to cry every day. january '02 i said to jake: "everyone's a couple now. everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend now." including me, including jake, including everyone like i said everyone everyone everyone is coupled now and i asked "why is that?" and jake said: "because of 9-11!" he got married this year it was in the times same girl, they wed on a big green farm (it was in the times) everything like pearly fine wine crystal always says "whinge" not "whine." she does this because of australia. I like the idea that complaints have wings, that they can fly that they can carry everyone along.

---

quote: "Life can't be sustained under the pressure of so many eyes. Even as we try to reveal the mystery of ourselves, to catch it unawares, expose its pulse and flinch and peristalsis, the truth has slipped away, burrowed further inside a dark, coiled privacy that replenishes itself like blood. It cannot be seen, much as one might wish to show it. It dies the instant it is touched by light." (from Jennifer Egan, Look At Me)

---

links: 1. The Lesbian Lifestyle, the website that accidentally gave me second place in the Best Lesbian Blog of the Year Contest (clearly I deserved an A+ or a medal, not a second place), got innovative with their bid for a free copy of our next book club book LYING: A MEMOIR and interviewed Haviland "Chi Chi" Pekor and it's super awesome for serious! Also they got a little redesign over there & it looks hot. Read it! My favorite part is the girl that commented "I had no idea who she was" and the one that said "growl!" To that, I imagine HPS would have only one thing to say: "RAWR." (Will this paragraph last 'til tomorrow? We'll see!) (@the lesbian lifestyle) 2. "Race: The Impossible Conversation" includes Why Obama Isn't Doing Better in the Polls and Talking About Not Talking About Race. (@nymag) 3. I have a lot of questions about this article: Pornography: The Oldest Patron? (@the guardian uk books) 4. Sunday Conversation: "Interview with Weeds star Justin Kirk" (@la times) 5. Sam is doing my fashion icon: The Ronsons as The Royal Tennenbaums (@vanity fair) 6. FriendFeed crawls Twitter, Flickr and YouTube so you don't have to. (@slate) 7. I can't, 'cause I haven't seen Season Two yet, but you can: Watch the Heroes Scenes the Strike Rescued You From (@io9) 9. Watch this, it's so spot-on, I love it: Cosmopolitan Institute Completes Decades-Long Study on How To Please Your Man (@the onion news) 10. The sad part is that all of these people will fail and the factory will succeed.

Book Club #2 CONTEST: The Art of Auto-Winning is Not Hard to Master

Hi! Want a free book? Well, that's fine. Much like lunch, my least favorite meal, there is no such thing as free book. Books don't grow on trees.

For Oscar Wao, I made y'all email my brother birthday wishes, then mailed out two free book prizes -- one random, one merit-based. I have no birthdays to force you to participate in at this time, 'cause all my friends are Capricorns or Pisceses (how do you pluralize that word? Pisci?). Also I'm not Uh Huh Her, so I can't really make you run all over town drawing chalk pictures or whatever. Personally, I don't like chalk, it gets all over your hands and makes weird noises. Like men, kind of.

ANYHOW! If you want to nab a free copy of Auto-Win's next Book Club selection; Lying: A Memoir by Lauren Slater (I know I haven't responded to the comments on my last post yet but I will!) here's how to do it:

1. Link Drop FLIRT Street Team Contest
Hey, have you seen FLIRT! With Haviland Stillwell? Well, Hav & I are on a mission to make "FLIRT!'s Ro-Boat Super Special" the most viewed video of all time on Broadway World. That's because we reach for the stars/are insane.

How do you enter? It's easy and fast, like toast or a nymphomaniac.

-Go to a website you think attracts potential FLIRT fans (For example, links have already been dropped by self-motivated randoms on AfterEllen and R-Family message boards) and drop a link to this page -- in a comment, a post, a message board -- and feel free to be clever!

Here's the link:

http://www.broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=30707
OR
BWW TV: Travel and FLIRT with Haviland Stillwell on the 'R Family Cruise'

-To prove you did it, take a screenshot of the link you dropped, and email it to me at automatic_win@yahoo.com. In summary: Drop a link somewhere on the internets and you're automatically entered in a drawing to win a free copy of "LYING" and some auto-straddle stickers.

-If you're actually the operator/employee of a blog or website (e.g., if you are someone fabulous like Ariana Huffington, Lozo, Sloganx, the cast of The Office, Mrs. VH1 or Sarah Warn), you can just drop it there! Even if it's not Gizmodo or Post-Secret you'll still be in the raffle. Easy-peasy, we all auto-win!

-If you do something totally amazing (massive exposure, superb context of link drop) that blows me away I'll give you a free book. (e.g., a comment that accurately imitates the linguistic stylings of commenters who say things like: "omg haviland will u marry me i know im in ghana lol but this video is SOOOO HOTTT!!!" or whatever it is kids are saying these days).

OR

2. Auto-Gear
Anyone who orders auto-gear (Auto-Win Tank Tops, Really Papi t-shirts, Auto-Straddle briefs) over the next week will also get a free copy of "Lying."

This only applies to orders made on August 7th after this blog is posted. So RIGHT NOW. Until August 14th.

Also, re: Auto-Gear -- it has come to our collective attention that the "Really Papi? Really?" t-shirts are sized oddly. For example; I'm a thin lady but I'm most comfortable in a L or XL, though technically I can fit into a small. I just like shirts with some breathing room. So keep that in mind if you're reasonably sized, I'd buy a size larger than you normally get. It's SEXY! Also, Papi's coming back. FYI.

ALSO! Also. Don't pick the paying-for-stickers option, 'cause I'll send you those for free. Because unlike books, stickers DO grow on trees.

Broken Down and Hungry for your VLOG

Today there's three L Words -- 1. Lozo Vlog, 2. Episode 512 (Finale!) Recap: Loyal & True -- [in which I'm less funny than I've ever been -- but at last, finally, at last, at last: done.] Speaking of "last": 3. Seven Last Sayings of Jesus on the Cross. I'd never heard of them before, but it came up today 'cause today was a big Jesus day for all you Christians (I'm a Jew, p.s.), and today was also a day with many implied associations to rebirth all over the place, though I spent most of it in my room writing the recap. I think some of the seven are appropriate for the top feelings I have after finishing-an-L Word recap: "I thirst," "forgive them for they know not what they do," "it is finished." Apparently mid-recap feelings include actually taking a break for a few hours on Saturday night to color with Chase, Semicolon and Angelica. I love Bunnies, there's chocolates in the living room on the table.

Lozo Thong

Not only is it time for a fresh new Lozo vlog, but I'd also like to announce that if you want to comment to Lozo, who no longer takes comments on his own blog, about college basketball, beer, girls, college basketball, movies Lozo hates, that HBO show Lozo hates, and I think also baseball, please share your feelings here. Who will win the big game? Who is going to bat a thousand homers? Say so, he'll get back to you, like Dear Abby.

*

Today we thought about how long it's been since last Easter Weekend. A million years, it'd seem, have shot star-like since then, since last Easter weekend when the photographer from [redacted] magazine spent most of my hours shooting me & my then-girlfriend & my friends for The Little Article That Couldn't. We've still not seen these photos, but Chase has some Lainy took from the afternoon she came over to get shot. The L Word had already ended by then, though, Easter's early this year ... the photographer had an old school camera and set up every shot like a painting. You can see the camera a little bit on the side here:

Riese & Chase, Easter Weekend '07
*
My love
Semiprecious & stoned
In the shoulder season we hold on
Though I am dismal & have no dope
Siphoned off behind pink Easter
I fake an optimism
Just to breathe—Just thinking of him for once &
The Wandering Jew that ate my sunshine
But I know flowers like Zorro was my dad
Those garlands of thin hissing lasers
So with the “sexy isotherms
Of semiotics” we meet again at the Kiev
To check chemistry. They bring the lights
Down on those cherry pies & like cryogenics
It sorta works. This time my love
The salt doll of night egging us on
Straight to the zeppelin mooring
With she-has-a-bit-of-the-neardamned-in-her-
Like-when-a-cloud-dies construed as
Well, all right, I’ve seen worse.
-
from "A Good Year Down" by Jeni Ollin
*

Okay, turn up the sound, kids, 'cause Lozo's not a big enunciator. This is sort of a quickie, in honor of Lozo's favorite way to do it. JK. In honor of Speed Itself. Also watch for special appearances by Semicolon and her jazz hands. We discuss topics like Lozo's bachelorhood, all the ways he's deceived me, and how nice his shoulder is. Also if you haven't read my the interview with me on the dirty girls blog, you better do it now, 'cause it's awesome!

THE VLOG:

Thursday Top 20: What The Snowman Learned About Love

It is a truth universally acknowledged that my itunes playlists are, by and large, "depressing," so you might think I'm too young to keep a good love song from goin' wrong. (Name that co-opted literary quote and co-opted song lyric, win a sticker!). I think it's 'cause I write while listening to music, and upbeat music w/aggressive lyrics is distracting, hip-hop's not really conducive to my process (my process is very complicated and involves a lot of feelings), and mostly 'cause if I'm writing and a hot track pops up that makes me wanna dance, what can I do? I can't dance and write simultaneously, I can barely dance at all as it is. Like "I Want You Back" just came on coincidentally, and what can I do? This song makes my number one feeling "dancing" instantly! But I'm going to sit here, tap my foot, and write this bitch. I'm listening to the "because of now" playlist. Very illuminating, my playlist titles. (Others, constantly vying for alphabetic superiority, include: a girl-girl thing, all we have is each other, and if i ever feel better, august melts, and so it is, all we have is now, are you happy now, baby it's cold outside, back in my head, beyond words, can't come quickly enough, cause we're young, c'mon get happy, crazy, dance party, destruct, drive, fair, get it out, holiday magic, hot fun in the summertime, july! july!, lesbian road trip, party party party, seasonal affective disorder, sunday, wistful night music, work it work it, writing).

Oh first of all, speaking of Love Songs, Monday night we time-traveled to 1994 Pop Paradise to partake in the cultural event that is the Spice Girls Reunion Tour. It's hard to put into words, because it was music, and writing about music is like dancing about architecture. That's probs my number-one dance move: 'architecture.' I'm not exactly a music journalist, though I did a killer story in '02 about Sugarcult and a killer post in '07 called "Musical Memoirs." So what can I say ...

****

Mostly I was concerned about their feelings: I think Posh and Ginger are both totally over it, but they're both hot, so it's cool, and the other three were clearly having a legitimately fabulous time. I'd never realised how smokin' hot Scary Spice is! Sporty -- my fashion icon -- can actually sing, too. The costumes were mind-blowing, the dancing was incredible, seriously it was like a SHOW, and I'm used to seeing like, lesbians with guitars, not lights & music & Ginger looking Haviland right in the eyes. It was a true pop music spectacular the likes of which I've never seen before in my life and probs never will again, because I'm old. Unless there's a New Kids on the Block reunion tour, clearly I'd be there in a hot minute. I think many of our feelings are best summarized by this photo of Alex:

*

Spice Up Your Life! Seriously, Go For It!
*

I made a "Auto-Win Lovesongs" CD to send out with pre Valentine's Day auto-apparel, and it took a really long time to assemble. Srsly. Love songs are complicated. Like, for example -- what IS a love song? I tried initially to be true to myself, including what I actually feel are the top 20 auto-win love of my life songs, but then I realised that I'd earn a lot of massively unimpressed customers if I sent out a bunch of cds containing tracks like Sarah McLachlan's "Ice Cream" and Dave Matthews Band's "Crush 16," so I revised the list to be the top 20 auto-win love of my life songs that aren't embarrassing. Then I decided to make the liner notes this week's top 20, therefore killing 20 songbirds with one rolling stone.

1. Love Song - The Cure
It's called "love song," for one thing. It's pure unapologetic feeling that manages sentiment without sentimentality, it's probs one of the top 10 love songs ever. You can disagree with me, that's fine, I will never love you, no matter how far away, how long you stay, etc.

2. Might Tell You Tonight - Scissor Sisters
Exuberant, catchy, golden -- this song is about brand-spanking-new love, being in love with a total critter -- like, yeah! Wear your sweaters and don't get cold! I love your toothbrush by my mirror! I hope that we're together when we're old! This kid is on a bus towards a two-way street of love magic, when you're that excited to tell someone that you love them and that they should stay all your life, you're probs pretty sure they're gonna say it back. Also, the instruments, whatever they are, sound like glitter.

3. Tonight - Stars
This is like the on-again-off-again-treacherous-relationship piano ballad. It's about how people fight and throw things (I imagine a boy sitting at his window, staring mournfully at the sky, thinking video montage-style about all the times it hasn't worked and all the times it has) but maybe they could just look at each other and think "let's make it work tonight." That's a nice idea.

4. Day Too Soon - Sia
Did you guys know that Sia has a girlfriend ? I didn't. I discovered her via "Breathe Me"'s prominence in Six Feet Under and her new album, oddly drop-bombed in every Starbucks ever, is brilliantly titled "Some People Have Real Problems" and I like all her pretty sunshine songs about serious things even more now that I know she's thinking about a lady when she writes them. This one is super dreamy: "Honey I will stitch you, darling I will feel you in my heart." "You're never gonna put me down"! Aw. She's like, pick me up, perfect timing, let's fly!

5. Underwater - Tegan & Sara
This is a cynic-crumbling song, my favorite kind. It mocks itself and still yearns loudly and fully. "I would go to jail with only boys just to prove I was as tough as you"? Amazing. They even do an "oh-ohhhhh" thing on the chorus, like that's how pumped they are about "silly love songs"! Also, can't say enough about this line: "I'm a car crash but I have to get up, and every morning it's a clean-up."

6. Late at Night - Buffalo Tom
This is the song that plays during the greatest scene in television history: the last two minutes of Episode 12 ("Boiler Room") of My So-Called Life, when Jordan Catalano asks Angela if they can, like, go somewhere, and then ... well. You'll just have to watch it, and see.

7. This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) - Natalie Cole
This was the first track on a V-Day mix I got in '06, and I used to listen to it every morning to get excited enough about life to leave our apartment. It kinda works. Also, Ellen and Sharon Stone dancing in the last scene of If These Walls Could Talk 2? Seals the deal.

8. In a Manner of Speaking - Nouvelle Vague
Nouvelle Vague covers classic new wave singles, exclusively. They transform them into Brazillian poppy songs that sound like slow-dancing on tip-toes. This song is perfect, it's the musical equivalent of looking someone in the eyes or touching their fingertips with your fingertips.

9. Let's Get it On - Marvin Gaye
Um, obvs.

10. It's Good to Be In Love - Frou Frou
This song is like a trick, because it sounds so peachy and frou frouy, like "omg, it totally IS good to be in love!" But in fact, she's just pissed off that her ex is in love without her and probs about to set his house on fire. Still, though.

11. Both Hands - Ani DiFranco
Sorry, I had to. It's just that this is the 90's acoustic lesbian love song that gave birth to all future 90's acoustic lesbian love songs. Also, there was this girl we were all sort of in love with at Interlochen, and she played this at open mic and said it was one of the best songs ever and I thought "right on." It's a scene, and you can see it, and the scene is a white room and a bed that's not big enough and the whole sum of us bringing itself to bear upon some naked moment of decision if it's worth it anymore. It's like this is where we are, and now, what next. "I am writing graffiti on your body/I am drawing the story of how hard we tried/I am watching your chest rise and fall/like the tides of my life/and the rest of it all,/and your bones have been my bed frame/and your flesh has been my pillow/I am waiting for sleep/to offer up the deep/with both hands."
I dunno. It just sounds to me like a song that was written by someone who means it.

12. I Wanna Hold Your Hand - The Beatles
Dude! Sometimes I just wanna hold your hand! Yeah!

13. First Day of Your Life - Bright Eyes
This video, directed by John Cameron Mitchell, is an indulgent fruit medley of gender-flexible hipster love, and it's so earnest it goes all the way past corny and back to earnest: "I think I was blind before I met you," “this is the first day of my life/I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you /But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you/And I’d probably be happy." It inspired me to write in my personification-of-'hoods erotica story for in the flesh: "But I love the coffee, and his small hug, how genuine he is about lying. We fuck, he cries and blogs and takes photos of my body parts in appropriately etheral shafts of light, under which he'll then lay gently upon me and make love to the part of my soul that still likes Bright Eyes." Obvs that was for Williamsburg. I mean, this is the kind of stuff that doesn't work for me in real life, but is nice to think about in theory. Like yeah, you sing softly, i sing softly, we all strum softly for weirdo love! Also the last line is: "I really think you like me" and he goes me-eee-ee-eee-ee and you're just like, aw. And then you're like, oh gross, Bright Eyes. Whatever, post-hipster, you love it.

14. On & On - Erykah Badu
This is like the sequel to "Let's Get it On." Or like, the DVD extras.

15. Always on My Mind - Pet Shop Boys
All the things we wanted to do but didn't, all the things we did when we already knew what we wanted but didn't know what to do about it, or did ... "little things I should've said and done, but I never took the time, you were always on my mind."

16. Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix
Last spring in her dark room and Maggie singing, Tara playing guitar, me playing girl-in-the-oversized chair without a musical bone to offer. Or uptown on the street during one of the only months of the year I actually enjoy -- the crisp prologue to summer -- this song. This pretty little song. It reminded me of heart flutters and while she played it, I breathed easy. I love the word "little." It's a word that means what it sounds like it means. It's that person who makes you feel fun & light but also so light that she could fly away at any moment, which is sort of okay, because she doesn't ask anything in return besides just to inspire a million smiles.

17. Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
Call me a weirdo, but I have always believed with something resembling conviction that this is truly one of the best love songs ever written ever. He's totally humbled to this woman and I think he's awestruck by her beauty and the privilege he's got to be with her. I used to hear it when I was a little girl and wonder if my Dad ever felt that way about my Mom and wonder if one day someone would ever see me and feel like I was a beautiful lady walking around with them and know that if that ever happened, I'd be like the lady in the song who was too insecure to even know how loved she was and also dealt way too well with her drunkity drunk drunk husband.

18. I'm Your Man - Leonard Cohen
This scene in The L Word seems cheesy and improbable in conception and is absolutely flawless in execution. I never forgot it. Also, I can't make a love songs CD without Leonard Cohen on it, unless it's for someone who hates Leonard Cohen. And, sidenote: I don't know anyone else who's a Leonard Cohen fan really except for me, but I don't care, I don't need you guys, I can take care of myself!

19. My Love (T.I.) - Justin Timberlake
I just like the dance beat on this one. I'm not sure I'd want Timberlake's love, as he's sort of a narcissistic asshole, but if I knew how to dance, it'd be nice to dance to this song.

20. I Want You Back - The Jackson Five
Did anyone else think it was weird that Micheal Jackson sang this when he was like, 10? Like how could he have possibly not only ALREADY had a relationship, but ended it and wanted his girlfriend back? Or boyfriend, whatevs? Anyhow, I'm just into this song this week so it has to be on everything. Even though the lyrics are about fucking up and wanting somebody back, it's got the energy of "A-B-C, it's easy as 1-2-3!" 'Cause maybe it is, or something. Easy as , or not. Whatever. I wanna be a dolphin.
*
The original playlist is titled "autowin love songs" and had 55 songs on it. The 35 songs that failed to make the final cut include: Beautiful (Aimee Mann), When I See You Smile (Bad English), The Luckiest (Ben Folds), Forever (Ben Harper), Simple Twist of Fate (Bob Dylan), Save me from Myself (Christina Aguilera), Feel Like Makin' Love (D'Angelo), All I Ever Wanted (Depeche Mode), Here You Come Again (Dolly Parton), More Than Words (Extreme), Bohemian Rhapsody (The Fugees), I Need You Tonight (INXS), Me and Bobby McGee (Janis Joplin), Alright (Kinnie Starr), Borderline (Madonna), The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side (Magnetic Fields), Everything I Need (Melissa Ferrick), Signs of Love (Moby), Turn off the Light (Nelly Furtado), Happy Valentine's Day (Outkast), Maybe I'm Amazed (Paul McCartney), Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd), Here Comes Your Man (The Pixies), Music to Fuck To (Portishead), We Danced Together (The Rakes), Baby You Got Me (The Roots), You Are the One (Shiny Toy Guns), Nothing Compares to You (Sinead O'Connor), Baby it's You (Smith), Beautiful (Snoop Doggy Dog), Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover (Sophie B. Hawkins), I Believe (Stevie Wonder), Nineteen (Tegan & Sara).
*

*
I think though really that holidays exist so bloggers have automatic topics to write about. Sooner or later, heads explode, and ideas vanish into thin air.
*

I love how pop songs seem profound
when we're in love,
though they wound us too sweetly,
never seriously enough.
I love the good home
cliches can find in an authentic voice.
-Stephen Dunn, "Loves"
*
[gloria aniela]
*

When Two Become One VLOG

Several thoughts happening at once in my head:

1. About two weeks ago, rolling down 125th in Cait's car with my weirdo friends, I noticed a strange noise and so I asked my traveling companions: "What is this music we're listening to? This is terrible. It sounds like a fake band from a Disney made-for-television afternoon movie ... like, there's five of them, and the lead singer is a ten-year-old girl wearing a Limited Too skort-set --" and Stef interrupted the evolution of this brill extended hypothetical situation with a swift declaration: "It's The Spice Girls."

I enjoyed their poppy singles back in the 90's, or whenevs they were popular and I was retarded, and I still believe that "2 become 1"is an enchanting and well-constructed pop ballad. Furthermore, Sporty Spice has been my fashion icon for as long as I've known how to tie my own shoes and I saw Spice World the day it came out. But apparently, aside from those seductive singles, they've created entire albums worth of terrible music, and tonight, because I must love terrible music, I will be attending the Spice Girls IN CONCERT in New Jersey. A winning combination, truly. It'll probs be awesome.

2. I won an award from the International Hyperhidrosis Society. It's the best thing I've ever received in my entire life on earth, see:

It's in the shape of a SWEAT DROP. You can't see it in the photo, but the bottom is blue, so when you hold it up to the light, the whole award looks blue. The only thing that could've made this award better is if Cyndi Lauper had accepted it for me.

3. I'm going to write a Sunday Top Ten on another day of the week, but not today. Seriously, I am all kinds of suck right now, but I think I'm gonna get my shit together in 2009.

4. I made a Vlog, kiddos. It might be the last one for many weeks 'cause Haviland's going away for a while, she's going to one of those camps where they teach you not to be gay. JK, she's going to Los Angeles. Lots of gays there, and I know, because I've seen The L Word. If I mysteriously come up with a vlog despite her absence, look closely: it could just be Lozo in a Haviland wig.

I didn't have a lot of footage left since I'm insane and made the last vlog over six minutes long, but I did what I could with what I have. Take these pebbles from my hands, grasshoppers:

And Her Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day

As you may or may not know, I'm not into holidays, as they almost always require seeing other humans or being in crowded spaces with other humans. Until recently, most holidays required me serving food to massive amounts of other humans for measly holiday tips (everyone eats out on holidays, not just typical eater-outers (do with that what you will), so the tips are generally lower than usual). I think I made a joke that "celebrating every National Holiday to its fullest" is my New Year's Resolution, but I've changed that resolution to "eat more ice cream," and I just did, so that's that. Also, when I said that, I wasn't referring to things like the 4th of July or Halloween, but rather to obscure less-celebrated holidays, like Arbor Day. Because who doesn't like trees? That's right, no-one. Everyone likes trees, 'cause of shade, and paper.

Anyhow, much like what I imagined your initial reaction would be to the political endorsement I made a few days ago, I feel you might think "I wouldn't necessarily go to Riese for advice on any holiday-related topics." But look how good I did on the Obama thing. I read so much that I even convinced myself. That "ho-hum, la-di-da" I added to the end of my up-'til-then impassioned endorsement was meant to be said in a voice of self-loathing, not in an actual "la-di-da" voice. P.S.

However! Now that I understand how primaries work, I feel like less of an asshat for not registering to vote in the New York primaries -- I always (always=the last two elections for which I've been old enough to vote) vote absentee in Michigan, 'cause it's a swing state, and I can't do primaries here and the general election there, and apparently Michigan had no primaries this year, or something, which makes me feel slightly less guilty than I did on Monday when I realized I'd fallen full-tilt in love with Obama and could do nothing about it besides spout off opinions, as I so often do with political causes of all shapes, sizes, colors and genders.

So ... for those of you who aren't old enough to be irresponsible citizens yet, I speak to you from a place of experience and knowledge: being an irresponsible citizen feels like crap. Don't make the same mistakes I did. I rarely say that, so I must be serious. Usually I endorse my own mistakes, obvs, I'd like you to probs participate in them with me ideally. Register.

So speaking of ... I was speaking of something, right? OMG it's almost Valentine's Day! What are you going to get for your beloved? I'm getting Lozo socks and a tie and a super bowl. I have this theory (cue Juliana Hatfield, Jordan Catalano-style) that the less I feel I know what's going on in my own life (in general, this is totally un V-Day-related), the more I feel comfortable telling other people what to do with theirs. Thus this three-peat streak of blog entries in which I tell y'all what to do.

Obvs the best thing to do for any holiday is to show your special someone that you pay attention to them when they talk and that you care about their likes and dislikes. For example, back in the 90's, we used to make mix tapes. You can't do that anymore, because now they've become iconic as a hipster-memento, over-nostalgia-ized/fetishized and can no longer be given without irony. Also no one has tape players anymore. Well, I do. But I don't know about you kids who were born on the internet, you've got all kinds of things going on, a lot of feelings.

You can make a mix CD though, that's still cool. It helps also to name the tracks on the CD so they don't get lost in Track-13-Ville down at the bottom of your itunes post-import. Also really, you should just make collages with poems on them for everyone you love, everyone! Collages, poems and CDs for everyone, I say! Everyone you love!

So if your girlfriend (or boyfriend, if he's feminine enough to enjoy this list) reads Auto-Win (which's statistically unlikely, as I seem to regularly hear from readers who say their girlfriend doesn't read my blog but they do), they'd probs like a gift that would reflect their deep love for this particular corner of the WWW, which's why I feel I can give you advice.

Thursday Top Eight What to Get For Your Auto-Win/Auto-Straddle Fan For V-Day

8. Vodka

This is an easy one. Even if your girlfriend doesn't want to engage in penetrative activities with the bottle, she'll probs drink it, and drunk girls are easy. JK. I mean, they are -- but the point is -- if you mix vodka with cranberry juice, you can barely taste it. If you mix vodka with tonic, you're one of us. Also if you need to get her drunk in order to inspire loooovee, you should probs break up.

7. A Nice Smell

Nothing can ruin a friendship or budding romance like someone who smells bad. Has anyone ever complemented you on your smell? If the answer is no, then you probs smell bad. I'd like to suggest Burberry Brit and/or Victoria's Secret Very Sexy. Also Tommy Girl is always a classic, though now I'm too old I think to wear it. As for boys, I like Hugo Boss and Burberry, but that's just me. Obviously I'm no longer a boy expert.

6. Peanut Butter Crackers

This is just for those of you who'd like to seduce Carly. As it was explained in this vlog, the way to Carly's heart is via peanut butter crackers. There's a lot of ins and outs to PB crackers. The hands-down tastiest variety are the cheese-and-pb crackers, which I have in bulk. Howevs, the cheese often gets stuck in your teeth, and it's orange, and that's not hot. The Ritz-and-PB crackers, then, are a close second.

5. The L Word Season One on DVD

Some of you may be lucky enough to be lesbians/bisexuals with straight girlfriends. You know, that straight girl that you hang out with all the time -- maybe she's even your roommate -- and you act like she's your girlfriend 'cause you're in denial that she's straight and she kinda wants you to act like that (around certain company), and she enables your denial by making sweet love to you on occasion and flirting with you in public. If you get her Season One of 'The L Word,' she'll probs relate to Jenny, think lesbians are cool and want to be one ... and you can probably do it a few more times before never speaking to each other again. But now's the time, because February can be very cold/lonely, people do crazy things in February. Also some of you are straight men with straight girlfriends who want your girlfriend to consider the pleasures of a threesome, this is also for you, gents.

4. Books

As we're all aware now, I love books. Perhaps you could get your wife a book. I think Valentine's Day is a hot time for books that are somehow sexy. I'd recommend randomized erotica books I've been in, but this post is about procrastinating my actual work by writing a blog post, it's not about selling things. Why would I want to sell things, I'm not a traveling salesman or anything, like Jenny's assistant Adele's father is allegedly.

So, moreso than any explicit erotica, I think there's a lot of contemporary authors who do a good sex scene. They do more than just that, obvs, but when sex comes up, they do it right. Some examples include Maggie Estep's Soft Maniacs or anything by Mary Gaitskill -- if you liked "The Secretary," you oughta know it was based on a short story from Bad Behavior. Also, there's always poetry. You should write a poem, or you can go to poets.org, find a poem, and then copy it and say you wrote it. If you do like straight-up erotica though and you're a homo, bi OR hetero lady, you should check out Cleis, they sell good stuff. Also my hero RKB has edited about 500 erotica anthologies, and Susie Bright is basically the godmother of the whole thing, and therefore, her a-store is a good place to go.

3. Auto-Apparel

Clearly this is what we're coming back around to. We'd really wanted to get the merch out by Christmas, because obvs Auto-Apparel makes a great gift. But we didn't. However, there's been a noticeable increase in orders over the past week and I think it's 'cause of V-Day. So ... since I'm gonna be going to the post office anyhow, why not make it really worth my while --

If you order any auto-apparel or stickers before Valentine's Day, you'll receive a Very Special V-Day Auto-Win CD FREE with your order. You can kinda imagine this is like one of those ads they had on the teevee for loooveee songs, maybe they still sell CDs like that? I dunno, it's probs an imix now. This is sort of like mix tapes, that I talked about earlier. This CD will feature much of the music I talk about here on Auto-Win, with a special emphasis on lurrrveee in all it's many forms.

Anyhow, why should you buy Auto-Apparel right now? Here's why:
a). MUSIC: Because you'll get a new CD. If you don't like songs about good relationships, then email me after placing your order and I can send you a copy of "the fuck you breakup playlist,'" which I made in 2003. Actually, no, I wouldn't do that to you, a girl can only handle so much Fiona Apple. I'd make an updated version, with all new songs on it, but the same title.
b) TZEDAKAH: As you may or may not know, the logo that the ridiculously talented Alex 'Semicolon' Vega used for the Auto-Win/Straddle logo comes from a photograph by Layla Love. In fact, most of the photos I do come from Layla. Right now she's trying to raise money for the treatment of her mother's MS (multiple sclerosis) through the Jenny Love Angel Fund she's created (you can read more about the fund and her fundraising efforts on her blog, here). Anyhow, if you buy auto-gear now, 50% of the proceeds will go to her fund ... and that's the kind of holiday spirit I actually do believe in, regardless of my other Grinch-esque qualities.
c) SEX: Auto-straddle boy briefs are very sexy. They say 'straddle' on the back. You know what I like about other languages, e.g., Spanish & Hebrew (the only languges aside from English I've ever known)? Commands. We don't have "commands" as a tense of verbs like other languages do. If we did, we might have a straddle command.
d) TIMING: Okey-dokey so if you order by Monday or Tuesday, you'll get it before Valentine's Day, unless you live in Europe or Australia, in which case, there's still a chance. Also I don't think you have Valentine's Day over there in Guatemala, do you? I don't know.

1. Ella-Ella-Ella-Ella

Every once in a million years, something really spectacular happens in the world -- stars and galaxies collide, universes burst forth with the fruit of their loins, and children dance in the street in color-coordinated outfits, singing sweet & clever songs towards the clean cloudless sky. OMG speaking of clouds ...

The beautiful song that got me through so many months that would've otherwise been spent in raincloud-esque heartache ... ella ... ella ... ella ....

UMBRELLA. Rhianna. Is peddling UMBRELLAS. Guess where? TOTES. This could quickly become a "who's on first" situation, so let me be perfectly clear: TOTES the company is selling UMBRELLAS by Rhianna who sang the song that I love UMBRELLA. I don't actually think you should buy one -- although they aren't that expensive, probs no better or worse than a normal umbrella (which let's be honest, I'm sure you left someplace the last time it rained) -- I just wanted to tell you about it, because I think it's funny. Because ... well ... I love you! Not like that, but you know what I mean.

Don't Know The Reason, VLOGged Here All Season

Well, we're back in New York City, and it sure is cold (also, boy are my arms tired!). I'm still in denial that we're no longer in Key Bisquane, which's one of many reasons I've yet to unpack. The other reasons include being very busy.

I hope you're ready to set aside approximately six minutes and thirty seconds to have your world rocked to the core by the first installment of the video blog we made in our hotel room at about 2 A.M. last week sometime. If you've ever dated a 16-year-old boy, you're probs familiar with that kind of experience. That's the kind of sentence that someone may suggest I delete if I ever want to be a successful human being.

There'll be a Tuesday Top Eight/Sunday Top Ten/Wednesday Top Wow dropping in your universe shortly. Also, I got a tattoo on my wrist, more on that later.

This video includes the following topics: leaving myspace (again), vacation/Miami, the Allegory of the Cave, the nineties, and this really funny thing that happened when we went to the elevator. If you look at the reflections in the sliding glass door, you can see Semicolon/Alex and Cait vibrating with laughter and amusement.

A soundtrack listing can be found here at Auto-Universe,. along with the soundtracks for Vlogs 13, 14, 15 and 16!

UPDATED! Sunday Top Ten: You Tell Me

On Sunday I said this: "I'm accepting suggestions for the Sunday Top 10, as "The L Word" and other catastrophes* are crowding my brainspace. It's my job here at AutoWin to provide the illusion that it is possible for a semi-intelligent human girl to produce an endless flood of ideas, howevs, this is not true. Therefore, I'm fully prepared for the possibility that no one else has any ideas, either. But I thought I'd throw it out there. If I pick your Top Ten topic, you can win an auto-apparel item of your choice pending size availability. Or stickers. Um, or nothing. Soundtrack? Haviland? Just the joy of the game. The spirit of the game? It's not if you win or lose, something something. OMG, I feel like Snoopy or something, it's really gross. Hm. Well, here goes.

*JK!"

Now it's Monday. There are so many beautiful Top Ten ideas, I barely know where to begin! Some of the ideas are kinda similar to stuff I've already done, but I think I might end up doing alot of them as time continues to go on like sand through a hourglass. I've put the list of all the ideas here. And I'm thinking about it. Input is always welcome. I also have to get a passport today and a number of other important tasks, but this is totally like the top top ten list on my list of top things to do for the day of today.

Someone suggested I do a Sunday Top 10 of the Best Top Tens. So, while I ponder the next Top Ten, here's an old school link dump for ya'.

Ten Best Top Tens of 2006:
12.28.06: Top Ten Books of 2006, Some of Which I've Actually Read
12.24.06: Things They Are Better At Out Here in the Heartland
11.26.06: How to Provide Visitors With The Ultimate NYC Experience
11.19.06: Relationships I've Had With Animals
10.29.06: Revivals
10.15.06: Reasons Apartment 1A Is not A Place For Good Clean Living
10.8.06: Things That Are Cuter than Cute Overload
10. 1. 06: Yom Kippur Edition - Things I'd Like to Repent For
8.20.06: Things I Would Like Back, Please
7. 23.06: Appearances by Flannel Shirts in My Videos From Middle School

Ten Best Top Tens of January --> June '07
1.30.07: Why You Don't Want to Date Me
2.27.07: Dreams You Want to Hear About
3.25.07: Apartments I Want To Live In
4.15.07: My Skills
5.8.07: Potential Reactions To The Loss of One's Sunday Top Ten
5.13.07: Summer Scattergories
5.20.07: Requirements for My Unpaid Intern
5.28 & 5.31: Top Ten Clubs To Which I'd Be a Member: Part One & Part Two
6.11.07: I Am Not The Only One Without a Phone
6.19.07: On Camp

Ten Best Top Tens of July '07 --> December '07
7.2.07: Team Awesome's Gay Teevee Show Is Unlike All Other Gay Teevee Shows
7.22.07: Things That We Lost Along the Way/Concepts Abandoned Prior to Execution
8.13.07 & 8.16.07: Things I Want to Do Before I Die Part One and Two
8.30.07&9.2.07: Worst Nightmares One and Two
8.23.07: Live Through This And You Won't Look Back
9.16&9.20: Dream Jobs Part One and Two
10.2.07: Great Mysteries of Life Part One and Two
10.22.07: Things That Were Harder Than I Expected
10.28.07: Things You Might Not Agree With
11.26.07: Cities I Could Totally Never Live In

The New Sunday Top Ten will drop on Tuesday, fo'serious ...

We VLOG So Hard We Look Obvious

Remember 2007? Me too. My fortune cookie says: "there is a gradual improvement. feelings are sweet and tender." That's nice, it's like custard. I keep thinking that PB&J sandwiches are a real meal. We made a vlog in 2007, it took many hours and many miles in my moccasins. Well ... "we" made a lot of footage. R2-D2 handled the vlog. And it's pretty RAD! I think by Year 10 of writing this blog, I'll have started writing only in iambic pentameter, or switched over to only blogging cartoon drawings produced in MacDraw by me past midnight. It's like automatic writing. It's like automechanics. That's what I need on this blog. A good mechanic. Someone to answer questions people have while on the road of life, and etc. Once again my back is killing me, because I love editing vlogs so much that I ignore my posture, which is an important part of the body.

Anyhow. So we made all this footage in 2007. Today, I woke up and had my coffee and I thought: "Let's see what this footage can do." Then there was nightfall, and now it is now, and I made a vlog. I have to warn you that I'm slightly irritating in this video. Also, there's a part in the vlog where I say I don't wanna vlog anymore, and obvs I'm JK'ing about that. Though I really am considering talking less often. Because of the self-loathing. JK. Love it! La-la-love it. Also, if you're my Mom, I love you too! Hi Mom!

So, here's more vloggy goodness (100% ALL NEW FOOTAGE!) resulting from the filmathon with Semicolon & Stef as well as a few remaining bits of some Carly stuff. It's long, but also worth it. To buy the undergarments discussed in this vlog, please go to The Auto-Apparel Store and you can choose if you want Haviland to wear it for a day first or not.

Also: do you want me to provide lists of what songs are in the vlogs? Do people care? Discuss.

Sunday Top Ten: Calendar Girl Who's In Love With The World Stay Alive

OMG y'all it's 2008!!! So far, so good: I've already eaten a lot of cookies, I'm making french fries right now to compliment my dinner of Wheat Thins, and, as far as I know, no one's died, landed in the hospital, gotten fired or gotten their heart broken [yet]. I'm happy with how I rang in the New Year because Zoey made confetti cake, which's delicious. Any year that begins with eating confetti cake is bound to be a good year.

I'd planned on jumping right back into the Year in Review today, but June '07 seemed like a really depressing way to start out January '08, so I'll post it later this week and then ... onwards & upwards with that "Year in Review" thing. For now ... 'cause it's Wednesday, it's clearly time for the Sunday Top Ten.

SUNDAY TOP TEN: WHY 2008 WILL TOTALLY ROCK OR AT LEAST BE BETTER THAN 2007

10. I'm Entering a New Stage of Hairstyle Development:
If you paid close attention to the YIR vlog, you'd've noticed that my hair is growing, like a tree reaching for the sky or a baby worm becoming an adult worm. Presently, my Haviland-for-Cream cut is evolving into the "behind-the-ear-tuckage potential" stage. This presents a plethora of all-new Style and Fashion possibilities.

---

9. National Lampoon's Lesbian Vacation:
So many exciting vacations are in the works, including the much-anticipated March journey to Hipster Festival "South by Southwest" in Austin, Texas. They show super-rad movies and have panels about Web 2.0 and there's rock 'n roll bands for kids with feelings and visions. Like me! Since I'm a stellar advance planner who probs won't really think about the fact that I'm going to SXSW until Crystal shows up in New York to remind me, I've yet to purchase tickets to anything (probs sold out now?) because I'm totes convinced that somehow, between now and then, I'll become terribly successful and famous and obvs The New Yorker will be paying me to cover SXSW for them and'll get me press passes. They were all over Lez Girls by Jenny Schecter, and clearly I've got one-up on her, as I've never killed a dog to get a girl before. Anyhoo.

---

8. New Year's Resolutions
Being the rebellious damn-the-man hiptard that I am, I rarely take New Year's Resolutions seriously. I mean: isn't every day another chance to turn it all around (or not)? Howevs, this year, I've got about 100. I need to write them down, I should put that on my '08 To-Do List. Also, I don't need to lose ten pounds or quit smoking, so that's covered. I should resolve to go to the gym regularly, because I already do that, so I could be like "Congrats, self!" Anyhow, let's take a look at my 21st century History of Resolutions:

2000 - Celebrate every national holiday to the fullest, including President's Day, and "have as much fun as possible."
2001 - "GET IT FUCKING TOGETHER"
2002 - Stop knocking over that glass of water by my bed. (I slept on a tiny dorm-bed sized mattress on the floor and always had a glass of water by my bed and then in the morning I'd always knock it over and then my floor would always be wet.)
2003 - Break up with my boyfriend Chris. (I did that immediately, at about 12:20 A.M. on January 1st in the basement of Phi Sig, while preparing a grilled cheese for his "brother" Walter using Walter's brand new sandwich-maker. I'd like a sandwich maker, actually, that thing was awesome. I quoted this Stephen Dunn in my journal: "How attractive trouble feels/in paradise. The place next door/where pain is an option/begins to whisper.")
2004 - "I want to be strong, I want to laugh along, I want to belong to the living." (-Joni Mitchell) (Yeah. I know.)
2005- Apparently I had consumed far too much alcohol to make a resolution. My diary from the 31st includes insights like "I am writing IN PENCIL! WHO WRITES in PENCIL? Where is KRISTA? I'm ready to GO OUT!"
2006- DREAM LIFE 2006: this was Lo and I's plan to make our lives into everything we'd ever wanted/dreamed of by getting an apartment together in Williamsburg and executing as much fabulosity as possible. It was a mostly abstract idea and seemed great in theory -- in practice, it involved a lot of yelling, which wasn't really what I had in mind when I said 'Dream Life 2006,' but that's just me, to each his own, obvs.
2007- Write the book proposal, like, now.

2008 - Preliminary possibilities include waking up at the same time every morning, setting aside at least an hour a day to jut read (books), being more organised, writing a daily schedule for myself and celebrating every National Holiday to the fullest, including President's Day.

---

7. I'm Going to Write my Book!
"You're gonna write the best book ever." -Cait.
No seriously, last year around this time I started pushing ahead w/full strength -- and miraculously I did follow through on my self-imposed deadlines. And, well, that seems like a lifetime ago. Now that I've reoriented both the book plan and my brain ... it's gonna rock. Totes.

---

6. Season Five of The L Word [recaps ]!
My roommate Zoey's girlfriend asked me to name a teevee show I actually do enjoy and think is a good show, 'cause maybe it's not that I don't like The L Word, it's that I don't like television. Good point, and probably true.

But anyhow. I thought of these (some then, some since) shows -- limited to shows I've actually seen -- and I'd stand behind 'em: Six Feet Under, The West Wing, Queer as Folk, Reno 911, My So-Called Life, The Office, The Daily Show, Will & Grace, Arrested Development, Sex and the City, Ellen (her sitcom), Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, The Simpsons, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Daria, Law and Order: SVU, Twin Peaks, Quantum Leap, Family Guy, The Chapelle Show. Ta-da! No, obvs I love The L Word. Best show ever, totes.

---

5. Les Mis is closing on January 6th!
As you may recall, earlier this year the members of the Stagehands' Union Hooha had a lot of feelings and therefore went on strike. Consequently, Haviland didn't have to go to to work anymore and was actually able to hang out at night! So! Soon it's gonna be like permanent strike, unless she gets hired to go be a movie star in China or wherever they make movies these days. I just know they make a lot of stuff in China. The only movie I saw this year was Juno, it took place in L.A. I think, or Vancouver, I dunno, I just know where they make The L Word (Vancouver). Oh yeah, go see it before it closes. Super fun for the whole family.

---

4. New President!
I'm not exactly your go-to girl for up-to-the-minute political news, but, having been raised in a super-political household (My Dad literally went as imaginary superhero "Super-Democrat" to the Halloween party thrown by his Harvard Business School colleagues) and being a person who's pretty fucking passionate about a lot of issues seriously not just how bad the l word is, I'll probs have a lot of opinions about this election thing. Right now I'm thinking I'll probs go with the same strategy I used at U of M when voting for student assembly which was to vote for people I knew and people with ethnic-sounding names, which I think means I'm voting for Barack Obama. Actually, I don't know, honestly. We'll see. Right now Haviland is thinking Hillary and I like to stand with Haviland. But whatevs -- obvs I cannot wait for 2009, when George W. Bush will no longer be president. I can't fucking believe it's lasted this long. It's humiliating.

---

3. Entertainments
Maybe this year I'll go the movies like a good little robot. Srsly though; I think movies are a valuable art form, I should spend more time exposing myself to their possibilities 'cause I think that's how creative people get better at what they do is by experiencing other artworks out of their chosen field. Everyone knows this, I could've just told you that I think reading is good for you or that peanut butter is boss. Anyhow, they're turning a lot of books I've enjoyed into movies this year: Peter Jackson's doing The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold) and there's also How To Lose Friends & Alienate People (Toby Young) and Choke (Chuck Pahlinuk). The book's always better than the movie, though, we all know that.

But you know what's gonna be really super awesome for real? Dave Eggers has adapted Where the Wild Things Are for the screen and it's being directed by Spike Jonze with Catherine O'Hare, Jen from Dawson's Creek and Catherine Keener. Automatic brill.

Hey, remember when Angelina Jolie actually did interesting movies? WTF? I used to like her, but now every movie she's in just makes me want to yawn so hard my head falls off.

---

2. Fun with Automechanics
I feel like the Auto-Empire (I mean that ironically. You know that, right? Like trust me, I'm still feeling like this whole thing is a massive conspiracy and I'll turn out to be a fraud, which's insane because I know I'm not, but also, think (yes, sure, certain) that I am.) is gonna get more funner to the mostest this year. For one, there's the Auto-Merch, which's hot and will become hotter. There's gonna be contests and riese's next top model. Um, also, it'll be really fun when Carly and I get our show on teevee. Also, I plan on increasing my efficiency and therefore I'm seeking for an illegal immigrant interested in working for me for $2/hour or less, plus unlimited ramen noodles and backrubs. If you have a blog, I'll link to you and you'll get 2-3 additional hits a day. JK. I'd never exploit anyone except memememememe.

Anyway where was I? Oh yes: the future. Right-o, looks like it's gonna be a sunshine day. Yeah -- auto-straddle's gonna have more interactive content, we're rollin' with the vlogs and I'll ideally figure out a way to get it done faster sans exploitation. And here, obvs, I will keep writing words here, publishing them on the interweb, and then being like blablabla to everyone about mememememe. Unfortunately, I'm no longer taking ambien, so there won't be as much "w===iS I===o I will have to type tommorw to fic his blog becauer it his very bad norw." Until I can get my hands on some ambien. JK, that one was for you, Mr. Redacted. Also I just got a kickass email from Layla Love, the beautiful & talented woman responsible for the photo that was turned into a graphic for the Auto-Apparel (see photo, right) about future 2008 awesomenessness.

Also, speaking of Alex Vega who designed the auto-apparel, my website's gonna look cooler too. This is one of those things that only matters to me and Haviland so I should stop talking. This is like sitting in on someone writing their to-do list, which's a real snooze.

---

1. Additional Attention
Some upcoming publications: my R-Family Cruise article in Curve magazine (nearish future) & the "Fucking Around" story in the Dirty Girls anthology (April). Also, still you know, accepting ideas for another Guestbian column, like maybe I could ask myself "What is love?" or "What's love got to do with it?" or "How long 'til my soul gets it right?"

---

Also, I think just that things are gonna kinda hit an upward trajectory into Awesome super-soon. And if it doesn't, then I guess, you know, I'll just wait for the next joke. I'm ending the June/pre-cruise July recap with the last paragraph of a post I did in June, but maybe I'll just use it here instead. Yes, I'm quoting myself. But I don't think of it as quoting so much as "cut and pasting."

"Sometimes it takes a while for the point to emerge from the madness, but I'm pretty satisfied right now with the possibility at my fingertips, a million unfinished lines shooting out of my nails like Wolverine's claws -- but gentle, hesitant, non-violent and reaching towards attention. I'm blindly groping for what it is we're waiting for, but kinda pretty sure, every now and then, that I can ... and will ... get it?"

Never mind, let's end with David Bowie:

"You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it and the clocks waits so patiently on your song, you walk past a cafe but you don't eat when you've lived too long ... No matter what or who you've been, no matter when or where you've seen all the knives seem to lacerate your brain, I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain, you're not alone." (Rock 'n Roll Suicide)

"Starman waiting in the sky
He'd like to come and meet us
But he thinks he'd blow our minds
There's a Starman waiting in the sky
He's told us not to blow it
Cause he knows it's all worthwhile."
(David Bowie, Starman)