Sunday Top Ten, Part Two: You Got Some More Deep Inside Of You

So I thought it'd be super-awesome to not write my story for the reading until two days beforehand. It's still in various states of terribleness. I need a job where there's no such thing as "the last minute." I guess that would be an astrophysicist or a prophet or something.

I might try to make this post better than it is within the next 24 hours, or else delete this sentence. I really need to work on my issues with committing to first drafts.

This post is the result of a mind that's pretty certain it's out of words. I'm only awake to write this because my roommate's passport is in her storage unit in Queens and her flight for Toronto [a city in Canada, her homeland] leaves in two hours, so it's like, Full Fledged Crisis in our apartment at present. I told her she's probs not supposed to be on the flight if she doesn't make it, like it's fate.

Starr: Do you think there's any way I could get into my storage unit, even though it's closed?
Me: You mean like, Jedi shit?

See how helpful I am in a crisis? Very.

SUNDAY TOP TEN, PART TWO, ITEMS 7-1
DREAM JOBS if salary, time, qualifications and
history were no object.

7. Haviland's Special Spot - Dream Job: Hairstylist

This week I am giving Haviland one special spot on my Top Ten for her dream job, which she just discovered recently.

Me: "Today I kept wanting to cut off all my hair."
Haviland: "Ooooo can I do it?"
Me: "Right now?"
Haviland: "Yeah! But I've never cut anyone's hair before and don't have the right scissors."
Me: "Um, okay. I guess no one's gonna see it anyhow besides my PhotoBooth and like, Zoey and Starr."
Haviland: "Yayyy! This is gonna be soooo much fun!"

Haviland's now decided she's destined for hairstyling, and I gotta say, she did quite a job using purple scissors designed for the elementary school classroom, I don't even need to get it fixed by a pro. I like it. Once I cut my own hair when I was 15, otherwise I probs woulda been more nervous. But what I learned from that experience was: hair grows back.

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And now for a quick interlude. It'd seem that most of my ideas about "the workplace" have come from movies about record stores. Today's introductory thought comes from "Empire Records": Warren shoplifts a bunch of records and gets caught by Lucas.

Warren: You're psycho. You are psycho. What the hell is wrong with you people? You all belong in the loony bin. Every one of ya. Forget you guys, I don't need you. You think you're so good and damn great 'cause you work in a freakin' record store. You think you're so superior! Hey, Joe, Lucas steals nine grand from you and you don't do dick to him? So you gonna give me a job now?
Berko: So that's it, Warren? You wanna work in a record store?
Warren: No.
Lucas: I think you're lying, Warren.
Warren: He's not gonna give me a job, man.
Lucas: How do you know?
Warren: Why should he? Why should anyone give me a job?
Lucas: He gave me a job.
[police sirens are approaching]
Warren [to Joe]: So, do I get the job?
[cut to back room where AJ is making Warren a store ID tag]

I think about that part a lot, when he goes, "So that's it, Warren? You wanna work in a record store?" Like he goes in there and robs it and makes fun of it, but the truth is, he just wants to be a member of their dynamic team.

I imagine this happening to me too. One day Ilene Chaiken will burst onto the scene with: "So, that's it, Marie? You want to work for The L Word?" [6]. Another day, Shaquisha from Duane Reade will offer: "So, that's it, Marie? You want to work at Duane Reade?" [5] and my answer to both of those questions would be 'YES!" Here's why:
a) I think I could make "The L Word" even better than it already is. I know, I know: you find that hard to believe. Well, I've thought of a few things and I'm prepared to go down on whomever I have to to make this happen, except EZ Girl.
b) I really don't think the lines have to be that long. They just need to rearrange their floor plan to have less people on "standing around doing jackshit" duty and more people on "register." Like I would be the head cashier at the Duane Reade everyone wanted to go to on account of our speedy service.

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4. Personal Trainer

I'm not very good at lifting. I just wanna get paid to go to the gym and be in super-good shape. "This is how you do 'quick start' on the elliptical trainer, obvs.'" Like that. If they were like "How do you get abs of steel?" I'd be like "I dunno, ask that guy."

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3. America's Next Top Model

OK so what if you went on this show, and in the beginning, you were totes like, going with the flow ...

First, Tyra walks in the room: you burst into tears.

They prod for your life story, you offer up: "Every day I got beat up/robbed, Mammy & Pappy burned to death in the fire, then I found out I had cancer and beat cancer and had a baby, got my college degree and got hit by a car, I made all my limbs out of trees and built my own clothes from the skins of animals 'cause we so poor, we eatin' ketchup packets like they're tomato soup, or Ramen every day like Riese."

You get into the house, you fight with everyone like "I love Jesus!" or like "I hate Jesus!" or whatever'll have the best effect.

You make out with some straight girls.

So then once you're IN, you start revolting quietly ...

Like you're NOT gonna freak out about the Tyra Mail, you're just gonna be like: "Oh, what's up, it's the mail."

And at your makeover, you're like "Whatevs, it's a free haircut bitches!"

And when they ask you to hang from a building in a bikini while wild animals try to rip your skin off with their claws in the rain because that's what happens in high fashion, you're like "Awesome, that's what I do for fun! Bring on the tigers!" You know?

You just revolt against all attempts to transform you into someone who goes "OMG TYRA!" Like the anti-Natasha? That'd be pretty awesome, I think.

Howevs, if Miss Jay were looking at me right now, he'd say: "Girl, put DOWN the popcorn. You do not need that."

I'm watching the first episode right now and Tyra, Miss Jay and Jay Manuel just recommended one girl receive "a good ol' high fashion ass-whoopin'!" Are any of these girls lesbians is what I want to know? If they go another season without a lez, I'm gonna start a letter writing campaign. They're lucky I still watch it now after they kicked off Kim. Did you guys watch tonight? Tonight was the first night I've watched teevee without intent to recap in months. I watched "Gossip Girl" too. [Side note: still have no story, story I still have is bad.] I did other things at the same time, like write this brill blog entry.

Who were your favorite Top Model contestants ever? Wanna know mine? Okay!
1. Lisa D'Amato, Cycle 5
2. Dionne Walters, Cycle 8
3. Kim Stolz, Cycle 5
4. Brittany Brower, Cycle 4
5. Elyse Sewell, Cycle 1

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2. A Dairy Queen Worker

Dairy Queen was the only place in town that would employ 14-year-olds, it seemed like everyone worked at the Packard Dairy Queen. We'd walk there, get free Blizzards with every kind of candy on earth stuffed inside it. I felt like all the paying customers were big suckers. One summer the Packard Dairy Queen ended up losing money. Then, later in life I started dating the best friend of the son of the Dairy Queen's owner, and then it was like, wow, this is the guy we stole all that ice cream from. Not like I brought it up or anything, but it was just weird, I mean, not like his son didn't give us free ice cream all the time too. I could go for a Blizzard right now.

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1. TeeVee Writer Obvs

There's this sitcom called "Living it Out ..."

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I just thought of more I'm going to start counting back up again. OK? Okay.

1. A Rock Star: I think I mentioned this last time. Get to meet other rock stars, party all night, have groupies, wear cute clothes, make political statements, design handbags, have extra money to give to people who actually need it.
2. A Taste Tester for French Fries: Because I really love french fries, so it's a cause I believe in, I also have a good mental database of other french fries.
3. Therapist: I feel like most therapists are secretly really fucked up, but they're good at telling other people what to do and they're usually right when they do. Like meeeeee!
4. One of Those Office Jobs: where you sit at a desk all day, getting paid to do your own shit and being ignored and not doing real work. Whatever job it is that enables most bloggers and their readers, I want one of those.
5. A Movie Star: I would have a lot of money, and then I could buy my Mom a castle.
6. Hat Tester: Most hats are too small for my big head. So if I could get involved in the process a little before the "retail" stage, maybe I could change that. I'd like to do the same thing for shoes, make them larger but with shorter heels. I bet I could get it plugged on America's Next Top Model.
7. An Ex-cast member of "The Real World" so I could be on the challenges where you get to play the games in the outdoors. I'd be like "no more drama, bitches."
8. Personal Assistant to Shane for Wax: Shane is a hairstylist at West Hollywood's hottest hair salon, Wax.
9. Pharmacist: Then I could have access to all kinds of fun things I could sell on craigslist. If you go to "Wanted" there are all these people all the time trying to get their hands on some painkillers, there are some real sob stories on there. Don't ask me why I'm obsessed with the craigslist "items 'wanted' section, I just am.
10. Interview Subject: I like to talk about myself and I can talk about a lot of topics. Try me.
11. Drug Dealer: Because then I'd have a lot of bling and could buy my Mom a boat for the river outside her cottage.
12. Philanthropist: I think first I need to have another job where I make a lot of money to give away, but if I could skip that part and go straight to where I pick charities to give money to, that would be hot.
13. Copywrite for "smartwater": Seriously all of their copy is retarded. "Is it just us or do clouds get a bad rap?" Um, ew, whatever. It's totally just you.
14. Entrepreneur: I have a lot of really good business ideas, I just need some financial backing. Seriously I'm like a walking talking invention convention.