Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sunday Top Ten, Part Two: You Got Some More Deep Inside Of You

So I thought it'd be super-awesome to not write my story for the reading until two days beforehand. It's still in various states of terribleness. I need a job where there's no such thing as "the last minute." I guess that would be an astrophysicist or a prophet or something.

I might try to make this post better than it is within the next 24 hours, or else delete this sentence. I really need to work on my issues with committing to first drafts.

This post is the result of a mind that's pretty certain it's out of words. I'm only awake to write this because my roommate's passport is in her storage unit in Queens and her flight for Toronto [a city in Canada, her homeland] leaves in two hours, so it's like, Full Fledged Crisis in our apartment at present. I told her she's probs not supposed to be on the flight if she doesn't make it, like it's fate.

Starr: Do you think there's any way I could get into my storage unit, even though it's closed?
Me: You mean like, Jedi shit?
See how helpful I am in a crisis? Very.

DREAM JOBS if salary, time, qualifications and
history were no object.

7. Haviland's Special Spot - Dream Job: Hairstylist
This week I am giving Haviland one special spot on my Top Ten for her dream job, which she just discovered recently.
Me: "Today I kept wanting to cut off all my hair."
Haviland: "Ooooo can I do it?"
Me: "Right now?"
Haviland: "Yeah! But I've never cut anyone's hair before and don't have the right scissors."
Me: "Um, okay. I guess no one's gonna see it anyhow besides my PhotoBooth and like, Zoey and Starr."
Haviland: "Yayyy! This is gonna be soooo much fun!"
Haviland's now decided she's destined for hairstyling, and I gotta say, she did quite a job using purple scissors designed for the elementary school classroom, I don't even need to get it fixed by a pro. I like it. Once I cut my own hair when I was 15, otherwise I probs woulda been more nervous. But what I learned from that experience was: hair grows back.

And now for a quick interlude. It'd seem that most of my ideas about "the workplace" have come from movies about record stores. Today's introductory thought comes from "Empire Records": Warren shoplifts a bunch of records and gets caught by Lucas.

Warren: You're psycho. You are psycho. What the hell is wrong with you people? You all belong in the loony bin. Every one of ya. Forget you guys, I don't need you. You think you're so good and damn great 'cause you work in a freakin' record store. You think you're so superior! Hey, Joe, Lucas steals nine grand from you and you don't do dick to him? So you gonna give me a job now?
Berko: So that's it, Warren? You wanna work in a record store?
Warren: No.
Lucas: I think you're lying, Warren.
Warren: He's not gonna give me a job, man.
Lucas: How do you know?
Warren: Why should he? Why should anyone give me a job?
Lucas: He gave me a job.
[police sirens are approaching]
Warren [to Joe]: So, do I get the job?
[cut to back room where AJ is making Warren a store ID tag]

I think about that part a lot, when he goes, "So that's it, Warren? You wanna work in a record store?" Like he goes in there and robs it and makes fun of it, but the truth is, he just wants to be a member of their dynamic team.

I imagine this happening to me too. One day Ilene Chaiken will burst onto the scene with: "So, that's it, Marie? You want to work for The L Word?" [6]. Another day, Shaquisha from Duane Reade will offer: "So, that's it, Marie? You want to work at Duane Reade?" [5] and my answer to both of those questions would be 'YES!" Here's why:
a) I think I could make "The L Word" even better than it already is. I know, I know: you find that hard to believe. Well, I've thought of a few things and I'm prepared to go down on whomever I have to to make this happen, except EZ Girl.
b) I really don't think the lines have to be that long. They just need to rearrange their floor plan to have less people on "standing around doing jackshit" duty and more people on "register." Like I would be the head cashier at the Duane Reade everyone wanted to go to on account of our speedy service.

4. Personal Trainer
I'm not very good at lifting. I just wanna get paid to go to the gym and be in super-good shape. "This is how you do 'quick start' on the elliptical trainer, obvs.'" Like that. If they were like "How do you get abs of steel?" I'd be like "I dunno, ask that guy."

3. America's Next Top Model

OK so what if you went on this show, and in the beginning, you were totes like, going with the flow ...

First, Tyra walks in the room: you burst into tears.

They prod for your life story, you offer up: "Every day I got beat up/robbed, Mammy & Pappy burned to death in the fire, then I found out I had cancer and beat cancer and had a baby, got my college degree and got hit by a car, I made all my limbs out of trees and built my own clothes from the skins of animals 'cause we so poor, we eatin' ketchup packets like they're tomato soup, or Ramen every day like Riese."

You get into the house, you fight with everyone like "I love Jesus!" or like "I hate Jesus!" or whatever'll have the best effect.

You make out with some straight girls.

So then once you're IN, you start revolting quietly ...

Like you're NOT gonna freak out about the Tyra Mail, you're just gonna be like: "Oh, what's up, it's the mail."

And at your makeover, you're like "Whatevs, it's a free haircut bitches!"

And when they ask you to hang from a building in a bikini while wild animals try to rip your skin off with their claws in the rain because that's what happens in high fashion, you're like "Awesome, that's what I do for fun! Bring on the tigers!" You know?

You just revolt against all attempts to transform you into someone who goes "OMG TYRA!" Like the anti-Natasha? That'd be pretty awesome, I think.

Howevs, if Miss Jay were looking at me right now, he'd say: "Girl, put DOWN the popcorn. You do not need that."

I'm watching the first episode right now and Tyra, Miss Jay and Jay Manuel just recommended one girl receive "a good ol' high fashion ass-whoopin'!" Are any of these girls lesbians is what I want to know? If they go another season without a lez, I'm gonna start a letter writing campaign. They're lucky I still watch it now after they kicked off Kim. Did you guys watch tonight? Tonight was the first night I've watched teevee without intent to recap in months. I watched "Gossip Girl" too. [Side note: still have no story, story I still have is bad.] I did other things at the same time, like write this brill blog entry.

Who were your favorite Top Model contestants ever? Wanna know mine? Okay!
1. Lisa D'Amato, Cycle 5
2. Dionne Walters, Cycle 8
3. Kim Stolz, Cycle 5
4. Brittany Brower, Cycle 4
5. Elyse Sewell, Cycle 1

2. A Dairy Queen Worker

Dairy Queen was the only place in town that would employ 14-year-olds, it seemed like everyone worked at the Packard Dairy Queen. We'd walk there, get free Blizzards with every kind of candy on earth stuffed inside it. I felt like all the paying customers were big suckers. One summer the Packard Dairy Queen ended up losing money. Then, later in life I started dating the best friend of the son of the Dairy Queen's owner, and then it was like, wow, this is the guy we stole all that ice cream from. Not like I brought it up or anything, but it was just weird, I mean, not like his son didn't give us free ice cream all the time too. I could go for a Blizzard right now.

1. TeeVee Writer Obvs
There's this sitcom called "Living it Out ..."

I just thought of more I'm going to start counting back up again. OK? Okay.

1. A Rock Star: I think I mentioned this last time. Get to meet other rock stars, party all night, have groupies, wear cute clothes, make political statements, design handbags, have extra money to give to people who actually need it.
2. A Taste Tester for French Fries: Because I really love french fries, so it's a cause I believe in, I also have a good mental database of other french fries.
3. Therapist: I feel like most therapists are secretly really fucked up, but they're good at telling other people what to do and they're usually right when they do. Like meeeeee!
4. One of Those Office Jobs: where you sit at a desk all day, getting paid to do your own shit and being ignored and not doing real work. Whatever job it is that enables most bloggers and their readers, I want one of those.
5. A Movie Star: I would have a lot of money, and then I could buy my Mom a castle.
6. Hat Tester: Most hats are too small for my big head. So if I could get involved in the process a little before the "retail" stage, maybe I could change that. I'd like to do the same thing for shoes, make them larger but with shorter heels. I bet I could get it plugged on America's Next Top Model.
7. An Ex-cast member of "The Real World" so I could be on the challenges where you get to play the games in the outdoors. I'd be like "no more drama, bitches."
8. Personal Assistant to Shane for Wax: Shane is a hairstylist at West Hollywood's hottest hair salon, Wax.
9. Pharmacist: Then I could have access to all kinds of fun things I could sell on craigslist. If you go to "Wanted" there are all these people all the time trying to get their hands on some painkillers, there are some real sob stories on there. Don't ask me why I'm obsessed with the craigslist "items 'wanted' section, I just am.
10. Interview Subject: I like to talk about myself and I can talk about a lot of topics. Try me.
11. Drug Dealer: Because then I'd have a lot of bling and could buy my Mom a boat for the river outside her cottage.
12. Philanthropist: I think first I need to have another job where I make a lot of money to give away, but if I could skip that part and go straight to where I pick charities to give money to, that would be hot.
13. Copywrite for "smartwater": Seriously all of their copy is retarded. "Is it just us or do clouds get a bad rap?" Um, ew, whatever. It's totally just you.
14. Entrepreneur: I have a lot of really good business ideas, I just need some financial backing. Seriously I'm like a walking talking invention convention.


lawlaws said...

omg! i haven't finished reading this post yet, but before I go to work I just want to tell you your hair looks sooooo cute. Like Jenny season two cute and Kylie Minogue cute.

Lozo said...

i have never been so disappointed in you. that scene happens long after they catch him shoplifting and wait for the cops to show. that's after the cops take him away, and he comes back later with the gun "shooting up the store."

i honestly don't know who you are anymore.

Razia said...

This post makes me feel weird about myself, I don't have any desires to be anything besides what I'm studying to be. I must have no soul or whatever.

Give me ten years and I'll be in the position to provide financial backing for all brilliant ideas. The verdict on great and good ideas is still pending.

Also, you work the hair sommin' fierce. All that Tyra talk has clearly penetrated my vocab.

Crystal said...

Lisa was my favourite top model too, there was something trashbag-esq about her that was endearing. Beautiful, though. She only got kicked off the show two weeks ago. We really are this far behind the rest of the world.

I usually hate on those types of shows but I started watching because Kim seemed familiar. And then they all started with the in-fighting and it became addictive, I couldn't stop.

I can only relate to/recommend One Of Those Office Jobs. But Dairy Queen sounds ace.

The Sister said...

You totally don't need One of Those Office Jobs. Other than reading blogs, you spend all your time looking for/wishing for the exact same thing you're doing now, you just do it with the added anxiety that you might get in trouble for the looking/wishing. Angst inducing I tell you, angst inducing.

riese said...

lawlaws: Kylie Minogue had short hair? I'm going to have to investigate this.
lozo: Yes, you're right. I've always been the 'totally accurate about every movie reference I make' girl. [???] I'm going to go sit in the corner now and think about what I've done.
razia: That's totes a good thing. I think that's all any of us really want, when it all comes down to it, that means your soul is at peace. That's a good thing. Especially in 10 years.
crystal: God, I loved me some Lisa. She is a totes trashbag and was hilarious, her little dance and everything? Read this. It's good, re: Lisa. I don't know if I could've watched that whole season knowing ahead of time that Kim got kicked off. And Lisa. Oh, lovely Lisa.
The Sister: Yeah, I need one where it can maybe look like work. Like as a nerve intern, we had to do "breaking news" all day, but it could be sex related too, and so I could say anything i was looking at was for work. That was AWESOME.

cait said...

i love how your mind works. i have a million things to do and a story to finish.. better work on the blog..

haviland did an awesome job with the hair, that is serious trust, i wouldn't let any of my friends near me with scissors

i hope your #1 job works out.. for reals

1. Nik Pace
2. Kim Stolz
3. Brooke Staricha
4.Jayla Rubinelli
5. Nicole Borud

Victoria said...

the hair looks good - you look more like me. good move.


Lozo said...

Empire is like your Godfather. a piece of my soul died when i read that.

carlytron said...

This entry is the most awesome entry ever cause like, everything you wrote about I was all, "oh, awesome, me too," like, duh, obvs. I will try to expound on this further at some point ... but given my inability to do anything other than work lately, I wouldn't hold your breath.

I will have to think long and hard before coming up with my top 5 ANTM contestants of all time. I haven't watched the new ep. yet but will do so this weekend. Stoked! How was Gossip Girl? I didn't record it, so is it worth acquiring?

Your hair = awesome. Does Hav have any appointments available to cut mine on Sunday afternoon?

Ollie said...

Hello, Riese, what's your haircut called? The Hav? It's very 2Os in a good way, such a pity you don't wear skirts or stockings because you have the body for a Louise Brooks look.
Otherwise, if your 12 year old self were to read this list, would she be applauding or appalled? I'm rereading my diaries and I seemed to want to be a dolphin whisperer. Like most girls. Although the job definition is unclear.

Stephanie said...

1) Google ads for today, which I love:
Man Pantie Wearing
Panties for Women
Women Underwear
Panty Women
Women Underwear

2) My boyfriend's brother is a Dairy Queen employee. He's 29/30. I think after, say, age 15, it has to lose its glamour.

stef said...

haviland has some serious hair skills. how come the people i pay to cut my hair keep fucking it up and you can just randomly have your friend go at it with arts and crafts scissors and it looks awesome?

and my word veri is 'vdudzcut,' which is about my haircut which is a total dud. that is a lame analysis of a word veri but whatever, i'm still mad at this bullshit haircut almost a month later.

GETTING TO THE POINT: i worked at dairy queen when i was fifteen! let me tell you about it.

i worked there for like 3 days, because my friend i was staying with worked there, her dad owned it and he wouldn't give her days off so instead he just decided i could work there with her for free, which made lots of sense at the time. i was paid in ice cream, which seemed fair. i worked drive thru! she took the orders and i handed out the food. once TOPHER GRACE OF THAT 70S SHOW came through the drive thru in a van with his mom! he got a butterfinger blizzard.

anyway i famously have no people skills. this trashy family were coming through the drive thru in a white pick-up and gave the person taking their order all kinds of shit and were rude and difficult to understand. we pierced their order together as best we could and i handed it out to them. something was wrong with it, i forget what, and i said we'd fix it right away without a problem. fixed their order, handed it out, they insulted me and my job and my makeup(?!) and as i was not actually an employee of dairy queen i told them to fuck right off.

ten minutes later, my friend and i were laughing and gobbling ice cream and gossiping and we saw a white pickup truck swerve AROUND the drive thru line and pull up to the window. they got out and started BANGING ON THE WINDOW, demanding to kick the ass of "that bitch with the mascara." really. this really happened. they demanded a manager, my friend pretended to be the manager and said they would deal with my horrible behavior.

later that day, a woman ordered a cone of vanilla, then when we gave it to her she said she wanted it in a cup so we put the cone upside down in a cup and she said "i can't eat that." my friend replied: "do you have a mouth?"

and then i never worked at dairy queen again!
but she did, for many many years.
and i don't eat ice cream anymore.

also, from what i learned from that total slut from real world new york, after you're on the real world if you develop a reputation as a "party girl" (which she did), places will actually PAY you to show up and get wasted there. so i want that job too.

i just saw antm for the first time a few weeks ago. i feel like i've really been seriously missing out.

haviland said...

I am so serious. I will cut anyone of your hairs ;) between my shows...let's make appointments. We'll charge a lot though, so that Riese can get a cut of it. Pun, pun.

Anonymous said...

seriously your hair is super hot.

Shannon said...

The hair is awesome... and the beater didn't hurt any.

natalie said...

maaaarie: i wish you a wonderful reading...and know that it will go beautifully. i would give anything (well, almost...i don't think id give up my hot bod) to be there tonight.
love love love you.

riese said...

This is a response to some of the comments, as I must dash out the door, I will respond to the rest and all accumulated in my absence at once:
cait: blogging is my hobby, like how other people make time for
"dancing with the stars" or their friends even when they are busy, i make time for blogging. or something. not a jayla fan, but i approve of all your other *cough* gay choices. :--)
victoria: now i just need some little gym shorts.
lozo: really? but i got my gchat away message wrong, surely you knew i was not on top of the empire game, as much as i do love the movie. i get the order of events in my own stories mixed up.

souls grow back.
carly: yeah totesssss BFD. i know hav has opened up her schedule on sunday for some reason i don't fully understand, so i'm pretty positive she could fit in a haircut. gossip girl was awesome. obvs dvr'ed it.
ollie: i do wear skirts and stockings! fo' reals. i think it's like mia farrow/twiggie/demi moore in "ghost"/ the poster for jodie foster's new movie. i think it's most gay girls that want to work with dolphins. obvs i had a marine biologist phase myself. I think my 12 year old self would be confused as to why I am not an actress.

ok more laterz

Jo said...

Hot haircut.

You have cut your hair more times in the past month than I have in, like, over a year.

I really need a haircut.

k-lily said...

I was looking at your other bloggity blog, and I saw that you were wearing OUR bracelet..the one the guy said we could stash our cocaine in. That reminds me..we went to Duane Reade right after that and I tried to buy soap, but you taught me better, cause you told me there'd be 52 more Duane Reade's before we get home, and then of course we forgot soap entirely, but bought 12 heavy books instead and then I bought you soap and peaches from the deli next store the next morning.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Between you and I both ruminating on this in the past week, it's been bouncing around pretty non-stop, and I finally found peace of mind in an Aesop Rock song called "No Regrets." It's a parable about the life of Lucy, an artist from the jump, too busy creating to be bothered with socializing or the 9-to-5. Full lyrics are here, but below are the hook, and explicit moral:

1, 2, 3 / that's the speed of the sea / A, B, C / that's the speed of the need / You can dream a little dream / or live a little dream / but I'd rather live it / because dreamers always chase but never get it

(Aesop as Lucy) Look, I've never had a dream in my life / because a dream is what you want to do / but still haven't pursued. / I knew what I wanted / and did it 'til it was done / so I've been the dream I wanted to be since day one.

NOTE: If this prompts you/anyone to check him out, for the love of God start with the "Labor Days" album or you will just be like, "Brooklyn - what the fuck?!" Get a feel for that, then dip into the rest of the well if you so choose. Trust me on this.

riese said...

Stephanie: It would be awesome if they were like "ARE YOU WOMEN UNDERWEAR?" because that's the kin of thing I would expect from those weirdos. I don't think they understand my readership.
stef: I dunno, but I have a long history of people who can't cut hair cutting my hair well. I can think of four or five friends who I've made cut my hair, it's like a friendship rite of passage for marie.

That work experience sounds amazing. God, I remember before I had to make my own living how going to school or work with someone was not something I thought of as a total punishment at all, I was just like oh! fun!

That bitch with the mascara is PRICELESS. Also, your friends reply is also awesome. Everything about that story is awesome.

And dude I totes read about how those Real World people make money to go party -- and by "read" I mean I think saw a True Life doc on it.


haviland: dude, we need to have a charity event where you are a celebrity haircutter!!!


anonymous and shannon: I would like to say to both of you: thankssss!!!


natalie: Thank you, my love. And never give up your hot bod in exchange for seeing me read, it's not fair at all. love love love love you.


riese: nice shoulder.


Jo: I know, right? I'm in a phase. I'll probs not touch it for at least another month. Haviland is doing a charity haircut event (charity=auto win empire) i've just decided, so thsi can work out well for all of us.


k-lily: Dude I wear that bracelet every day! And I totes remember about the soap, amazing. I remember the kind of soap we eventually got too. It was like, Softsoap milk&honey or something, probs like seven dollars for a 16 oz bottle. But it was amazing. Memories ... I MISS YOU!


brooklyn boy:
I will trust you and I will check this out. Tegan & Sara "More for Me" has been my soundtrack to this particular set of blog ruminations. It's funny, something about the cadence of those last lines you transcribed remind me of a Stars song where they go "i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to say, i'm not sorry there's nothing to say," like similar sentiment maybe? I dunno.

Nic said...

Your hair looks HOT!