Sunday Top 10: I Don't Wanna Grow Up, I'm a City-Type Kid

It is a widely believed truth that New York City is a hotbed of crack-whores, crack-dealers, crazy liberals, baristas like Rachel Green and hopeless aspirants. I think this is why Non-New-Yorkers cut their New-York-dwelling relatives (usually the black sheep or the dark horse of the family, depending on their present level of breakout success) a little bit of slack in terms of becoming a grown-up. No one is like "Where is your house?" because they all know that there are no houses in New York, except in Prospect Heights and some parts of Astoria, and I don't know if you can own those houses anyhow, unless you're Heath Ledger. I think the only New Yorkers on TV that have houses are those annoying people in "King of Queens," which I saw for the first time EVER last night at my Mom's house, because there was "nothing else on," which is the number-one selection criteria for television programs, apparently.

While on my vacation in the Midwest, which is far from over which means I have five more days to lose my mind and my quads from city-withdrawal, gym-withdrawal (and Haviland-withdrawal) these are some things I have noticed that people do in other places that I do not do. Many of these things are "grown-up" things. I would like to add that I am clearly not a grown up. I would incorporate this into my New Years Resolution, but I'm pretty sure that my immaturity is in fact charming, some might say seductive.

TOP TEN THINGS THEY ARE BETTER AT OUT HERE IN THE HEARTLAND, OR WHY NEW YORK CITY IS STILL A PLACE FOR THE VERY RICH AND THE VERY YOUNG (AND OBVS, I AM NOT VERY RICH)

10. Making Babies

My cousin is pregnant, which means she will be giving birth to another human person in April. This seems funny to me because I still eat push-pops, string cheese and peanut-butter-crackers almost every day. (Note: I eat the peanut butter crackers that come in 8-packs and are actually orange.) I think if I had a baby, I'd be good at relating to it because we would have a lot in common, like needing a lot of attention but usually crying and being semi-violent when we actually get some.

9. Having a "Pension":

What is a pension? The thing is, it sounds bad because it sounds like "prison" and like "penitentiary" mixed up, and both of those things involve shackles and anal penalties for soap-droppers.

"I was looking at the pension I've earned from my job and I realized if I cashed it in right now, I could probably get myself a pretty decent meal at McDonalds."
-My Cousin

I was looking at my wallet and realized I could probably buy myself and most of my close friends a decent meal at McDonalds, so I'm ahead of the game anyhow. (Note: I don't have very many close friends)

8. Buying a House:

Sometimes I imagine that Haviland will buy an apartment and let me live there in exchange for like, making salads and getting the mail?

7. Owning a Car:

I remember when I used to have a car that actually belonged to me. You know, like, an "asset." (See photo of my old Lexus) What happened? I sold it to move to New York City, and now I have a Metro-Card and feet. Sometimes I kiss ES-300s that I see on the street. Like, on the hood sort of? I know that sounds weird and creepy, and maybe it is, but I think whatever gets you through the night is alright.

My brother owns a car that uses diesel. That's so hard core I can't even like, speak of it.

6. Getting Married

Seriously, I know that many members of the fam think I am a 'Career Girl' (har. har) and therefore statistically unlikely to find a mate, but like I said, I wanna have a baby some day. (And as far as mate-finding goes, I think "fear of emotional intimacy" is a more likely roadblock in this area, but whatevs). And I am not going to be the only one changing that baby's diapers and driving it to all of it's after-school activities in my hypothetical Lexus RX 350. Also I would like to have more back-rubs in my life than I do at present, and I think a husband or wife could do that for me.

5. Earning a "Salary":

I'm pretty sure this is overrated. I like to live on the edge. It keeps me on my toes.

4. Bathroom Backstock:

The bathroom of a twentysomething's NYC apartment is generally stocked with only the absolute necessities, divided by tenant. (Necessities include things like $50.00 face cream, Xanax and overpriced M.A.C foundation, but still ...) Rarely will a roommate have an entire cabinet filled with things they do not need immediately, especially because you can always go to the deli next door if you run out of something. They won't have what you need, but the possibility is there, and obviously you wouldn't be living in NYC in the first place if you believed that success was more important than the possibility of success.

Me:"So it has been suggested that I could save time in my life, like the time I spend going to Duane Reade every day, if I buy bigger sizes of shampoo and stuff. Like the jumbo sized ones. But I never do that, I mean one they are heavy, and two they are expensive."
Nat: "Oh, I never do that. Who can afford all of that at once?"
Me: "Oh good. Me neither! I mean, I know they are cheaper in the long run, but sometimes you've only got five dollars--"
Nat:"Um, I showered at the gym every day for two months because I couldn't even afford my usual travel-sized shampoos. But obviously I justified spending money on the gym membership itself."
Me: "Um, obviously."

When I go to my Mom's and to my other relatives, I find the back-stock of necessities like Tylenol, toilet paper, toothbrushes (like, they buy them in multi-packs!) and other things (that they don't even use!!) like tampons and hair-brushes. They have things in there from like, three years ago. I have lived in three different apartments in the last year, needless to say my hair gel has not made every trip.

3. Fully-Equipped Kitchens:

Likewise, kitchens tend to contain "basics" like spices, flour, knives, pots and pans of various sizes, dishes shaped for specific baked goods and various implements for wrapping and storing leftover food. Most NYC kitchens seem to contain a mishmash of various pots, Woks, Foreman Grills and utensils left behind by previous roommates and the lovely equipment brought for your temporary enjoyment by various subletters, combined with the equipment of present roommates, which is often paltry but usually involves 2-4 wine openers and a peppermill.

Also: a dishwasher. I need one of those.

2. Family Values:

Relative: "So was your friend totally annoyed by you being sick while you were staying at her place?"
Me: "Oh no, he was really sweet about it, actually."
Relative: "Oh, it was a he?"
Me: "Yeah, yeah, a he."
Relative: "Oh, so it was like, your boyfriend?"
Me: "Oh, no, I don't have a boyfriend."
(awkward pause)

1. Um, but Time said I was the Man of the Goddamn Year, Bitches!

There is nothing like the questions: "What is a blog?," "What is a literary agent?," "What is you-tube?" or "What is my-space?" to make my life feel 95% irrelevant. Which I realize that it is, but I need something to fill all the time I'm not spending making babies, meeting husbands/life partners, buying Fiesta Ware, driving my non-existent car, planning my clearly not-happening retirement, or cashing in my pension plan.



I am in Ohio. All my joints hurt from the fibromyalgia that I can't tame by exercising, so I took a Vicodin instead. My joints still hurt, but I feel a little woozy.

Maybe I need another Vicodin. My aunt has so many wireless servers in her 'hood, it's like Christmas.

OMG IT IS CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!!!