Sunday, December 24, 2006

Sunday Top 10: I Don't Wanna Grow Up, I'm a City-Type Kid

It is a widely believed truth that New York City is a hotbed of crack-whores, crack-dealers, crazy liberals, baristas like Rachel Green and hopeless aspirants. I think this is why Non-New-Yorkers cut their New-York-dwelling relatives (usually the black sheep or the dark horse of the family, depending on their present level of breakout success) a little bit of slack in terms of becoming a grown-up. No one is like "Where is your house?" because they all know that there are no houses in New York, except in Prospect Heights and some parts of Astoria, and I don't know if you can own those houses anyhow, unless you're Heath Ledger. I think the only New Yorkers on TV that have houses are those annoying people in "King of Queens," which I saw for the first time EVER last night at my Mom's house, because there was "nothing else on," which is the number-one selection criteria for television programs, apparently.

While on my vacation in the Midwest, which is far from over which means I have five more days to lose my mind and my quads from city-withdrawal, gym-withdrawal (and Haviland-withdrawal) these are some things I have noticed that people do in other places that I do not do. Many of these things are "grown-up" things. I would like to add that I am clearly not a grown up. I would incorporate this into my New Years Resolution, but I'm pretty sure that my immaturity is in fact charming, some might say seductive.

TOP TEN THINGS THEY ARE BETTER AT OUT HERE IN THE HEARTLAND, OR WHY NEW YORK CITY IS STILL A PLACE FOR THE VERY RICH AND THE VERY YOUNG (AND OBVS, I AM NOT VERY RICH)

10. Making Babies

My cousin is pregnant, which means she will be giving birth to another human person in April. This seems funny to me because I still eat push-pops, string cheese and peanut-butter-crackers almost every day. (Note: I eat the peanut butter crackers that come in 8-packs and are actually orange.) I think if I had a baby, I'd be good at relating to it because we would have a lot in common, like needing a lot of attention but usually crying and being semi-violent when we actually get some.



9. Having a "Pension":

What is a pension? The thing is, it sounds bad because it sounds like "prison" and like "penitentiary" mixed up, and both of those things involve shackles and anal penalties for soap-droppers.

"I was looking at the pension I've earned from my job and I realized if I cashed it in right now, I could probably get myself a pretty decent meal at McDonalds."
-My Cousin

I was looking at my wallet and realized I could probably buy myself and most of my close friends a decent meal at McDonalds, so I'm ahead of the game anyhow. (Note: I don't have very many close friends)


8. Buying a House:
Sometimes I imagine that Haviland will buy an apartment and let me live there in exchange for like, making salads and getting the mail?


7. Owning a Car:
I remember when I used to have a car that actually belonged to me. You know, like, an "asset." (See photo of my old Lexus) What happened? I sold it to move to New York City, and now I have a Metro-Card and feet. Sometimes I kiss ES-300s that I see on the street. Like, on the hood sort of? I know that sounds weird and creepy, and maybe it is, but I think whatever gets you through the night is alright.

My brother owns a car that uses diesel. That's so hard core I can't even like, speak of it.

6. Getting Married

Seriously, I know that many members of the fam think I am a 'Career Girl' (har. har) and therefore statistically unlikely to find a mate, but like I said, I wanna have a baby some day. (And as far as mate-finding goes, I think "fear of emotional intimacy" is a more likely roadblock in this area, but whatevs). And I am not going to be the only one changing that baby's diapers and driving it to all of it's after-school activities in my hypothetical Lexus RX 350. Also I would like to have more back-rubs in my life than I do at present, and I think a husband or wife could do that for me.


5. Earning a "Salary":

I'm pretty sure this is overrated. I like to live on the edge. It keeps me on my toes.


4. Bathroom Backstock:

The bathroom of a twentysomething's NYC apartment is generally stocked with only the absolute necessities, divided by tenant. (Necessities include things like $50.00 face cream, Xanax and overpriced M.A.C foundation, but still ...) Rarely will a roommate have an entire cabinet filled with things they do not need immediately, especially because you can always go to the deli next door if you run out of something. They won't have what you need, but the possibility is there, and obviously you wouldn't be living in NYC in the first place if you believed that success was more important than the possibility of success.

Me:"So it has been suggested that I could save time in my life, like the time I spend going to Duane Reade every day, if I buy bigger sizes of shampoo and stuff. Like the jumbo sized ones. But I never do that, I mean one they are heavy, and two they are expensive."
Nat: "Oh, I never do that. Who can afford all of that at once?"
Me: "Oh good. Me neither! I mean, I know they are cheaper in the long run, but sometimes you've only got five dollars--"
Nat:"Um, I showered at the gym every day for two months because I couldn't even afford my usual travel-sized shampoos. But obviously I justified spending money on the gym membership itself."
Me: "Um, obviously."

When I go to my Mom's and to my other relatives, I find the back-stock of necessities like Tylenol, toilet paper, toothbrushes (like, they buy them in multi-packs!) and other things (that they don't even use!!) like tampons and hair-brushes. They have things in there from like, three years ago. I have lived in three different apartments in the last year, needless to say my hair gel has not made every trip.


3. Fully-Equipped Kitchens:

Likewise, kitchens tend to contain "basics" like spices, flour, knives, pots and pans of various sizes, dishes shaped for specific baked goods and various implements for wrapping and storing leftover food. Most NYC kitchens seem to contain a mishmash of various pots, Woks, Foreman Grills and utensils left behind by previous roommates and the lovely equipment brought for your temporary enjoyment by various subletters, combined with the equipment of present roommates, which is often paltry but usually involves 2-4 wine openers and a peppermill.

Also: a dishwasher. I need one of those.


2. Family Values:

Relative: "So was your friend totally annoyed by you being sick while you were staying at her place?"
Me: "Oh no, he was really sweet about it, actually."
Relative: "Oh, it was a he?"
Me: "Yeah, yeah, a he."
Relative: "Oh, so it was like, your boyfriend?"
Me: "Oh, no, I don't have a boyfriend."
(awkward pause)


1. Um, but Time said I was the Man of the Goddamn Year, Bitches!
There is nothing like the questions: "What is a blog?," "What is a literary agent?," "What is you-tube?" or "What is my-space?" to make my life feel 95% irrelevant. Which I realize that it is, but I need something to fill all the time I'm not spending making babies, meeting husbands/life partners, buying Fiesta Ware, driving my non-existent car, planning my clearly not-happening retirement, or cashing in my pension plan.



I am in Ohio. All my joints hurt from the fibromyalgia that I can't tame by exercising, so I took a Vicodin instead. My joints still hurt, but I feel a little woozy.

Maybe I need another Vicodin. My aunt has so many wireless servers in her 'hood, it's like Christmas.

OMG IT IS CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!!!

14 comments:

Noxious said...

Bathroom backstock. We just bought a year's worth of toilet paper today. We totally shop wholesale. And obviously since I'm 16 I'm not doing any of those other things either.

marie lyn bernard said...

The idea of purchasing anything I might not use until December 2007 is so mind boggling I can hardly begin to grasp the concept. Perhaps this is because I exist in the constant delusion that by December 2007 I will have manservants and a mansion and people who do things like buy toilet paper for me from like, Europe.

haviland said...

Part of why I want to own a nice big house in Nyack or something is so I can shop and buy in bulk. I am that girl who has many things in the bathroom that you might need. I mean, obvs - I have a Riese toothbrush!

However, from my brother this morning, as he was making breakfast (with onions - EW!) in my kitchen:

walter: G-d, Hav, you have NOTHING to cook with. We are so different.

me: Um, obvs. You know I don't make food in this apartment, silly! Thats what the microwave is for!

--
Also, Susan Sontag, you know we'll own apts in the same bldg at some point!

xo
Annie Lebowitz

marie lyn bernard said...

Yes indeed like Annie and Susan...they had apartments in the same building? i didn't know that! omg haviland, it can be like the dorm experience we never had, except that with people we like, and it being a very small exclusive dorm, like on FRIENDS!

and then i can come upstairs and cook for you with all of my lovely utensils and saucepans that will be really expensive, like they can even make salads, or grill chicken just so for salads, or something, or something!

Annie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Annie said...

"obviously you wouldn't be living in NYC in the first place if you believed that success was more important than the possibility of success."

i love you.

Bill From Florida said...

Automatic, I am the very picture of nine of this weeks top ten. (I dont think Time magazine really meant to include me). I am out of the baby making business now,but my two kids represent really super old babies. (10 and 6 years old)they are like grandfather babies if there was such a thing. Not only is there unidentified stuff in my kitchen, I have not one, but TWO bathrooms that are backstocked and my parents now come to see me for christmas and thanksgiving. There are only two of us in the household that drive, yet we have access to three cars. there is a woman that sleeps with me and does know what some of the stuff in the kitchen is for, and I value her, and because she is my wife she is my family, so I clearly have family values. - anyways, just like you are going into the heartland for a week or so, about once a week I leave this life, and hang out with all the trendy people, riding subways, eating weird food, drinking far to much and trying NOT to stick out like a tourist in your fair city. It just reminded me how balanced the universe really is - its Ying and Yang. its dogs and Cats - heartland and city life. Your Christmas Eve Top Ten resonates with me so thanks for that -- signed Bill From Florida

marie lyn bernard said...

annie: and i love the possibility of you.

dearest bill: thank you as always for being a fan. also please send me; your third car, all unused kitchen utensils, any travel-sized or otherwise portable containers of shampoo for: 1. dry/damaged hair, 2. color treated hair, 3. frizzy hair, 4. curly hair, 5. hair that can be quite straight when encouraged properly.

thank you.

Z. Madison said...

This pretty much sums up my out-of-city experiences subbing out for Vicodin for wine.

Although I did learn that one can get practically ANYTHING!!! at CostCo these days...

T'lia said...

I can't say I fit into many of these categories... though I am getting married, and I do fit into the Times person of the year.

I would DIE if I were pregnant, and I have no idea what you mean my pension. One day I will buy a house. One day.

I do own a car- that my parents bought me and pay for all repairs, maintenance, and rego on. I work at a supermarket. There is no salary.

I live with my family, and while we DO have strong family values, I would not even have a CLUE if our bathroom was back-stocked.

Oh, I do like my kitchen though... I am hoping that it will be a little MORE well stocked after the engagement party. :-P

marie lyn bernard said...

z: i totally wanted to go to costo just to check it out, but then my brother told me i needed a membership? what did you get there? one time my friend got a trampoline at sam's club.

t: sometimes i think i should work at the grocery store because then i could get a discount, you know? I spend almost all of my money there, i think, and so i think it would be perfect. when i was a hippie/punk, all my friends worked at whole foods and sometimes they'd give me free smoothies. they wouldn't hire me there cuz i wasn't 16 yet, which was a letdown and i think i might still be 16. do you get a discount?

Bill said...

other then having money when you retire, every one of these things are a double edged sword. Having Babies is WAY more outstanding then you anticipate,( and I did think it was gonna be really cool) and also sucks much more as well (intellectually you understand your partying days are numbered but when you really feel the deprivation it just hits home more) (only people with kids will truly understand that sentiment) being married provides some stability, but also limitations; having a salary is good, except it usually comes with also having a job. Owning a House provides pride and security, but also limits how easy it is for you to get up and go; anyway, I have a point besides just using a lot of typing space on the automatic win comment board. wherever you find yourself, just try to enjoy it cause the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence but no matter where you are in life, it seems like sometimes you think somewhere else will be better, and if you go to the trouble to get to the somewhere else, you may find where you were was actually preferable then where it is you end up.

marie lyn bernard said...

oh yes indeedy, i am semi- satisfied with my quasi-adult-life. but it's awkward around the relatives. sometimes i remind myself that i shouldn't feel bad about not having a salary because after all i don't have to go to work every day! holla!

Bill said...

Automatic - thats why I enjoy reading your stuff -- you are more aware at 24 or 25 then most people are at 40 -- alot of people would focus on the not having the salary part. (myself included) you focused on the not having the job part. Thats just smart.