Sunday Top Ten: All I Want For Channukistis is Magical Powers

Last year, My Two Moms' Channukistis wish lists were glistening fodder for auto-comedy gold and included, among other seemingly innocuous requests; "queen size flannel sheets -- no flowers!", "MacWord," "No-Batteries Flashlight," "Gas Card," 'Beading How-To/Starter Set," the uncharacteristically specific "Sharper Image Digital Dashboard Compass & Weather Station-CE352" and a Lawn Tractor, Snowblower, Reciprocating Saw and canoe. ["We're not getting a canoe, because then they're gonna want me to ride in it." -my brother] This year, perhaps in a reaction to last year's blog o'gift-snark, Mom's really given me nothing to work with besides an electric toothbrush -- in fact, following that item on her list, she added, in brackets: "gotta give you at least one item you can ridicule on your Blog." I'm not sure what she's implying by that. Hm. Also, suddenly my Other Mother wants jewelery instead of power tools, which seems suspicious, perhaps she's just trying to avoid the re-print of this photo, which I found on a stock photo site under the "lesbian" category last year:

So ... this time of year, normally reserved for alienating my family just in time to go visit them and put my fate in their hands, I must turn again to memememememe. What do I want? Nothing, just a shack and a fishing pole, obvs, like Walden Pond. Ho hum. I don't know what I want or who I am. Actually, I do know what I want: for our country to figure out how to re-distribute the obscenely unequal distribution of wealth in order to fix the segregated and fucked-up educational system, stop child hunger, end enabled spousal and child abuse and the penal system that punishes women who fight back, reorient the economic systems that turn our most disenfranchised and least free citizens into the bulk of our military force, and provide health care for everyone. Ta-DA! And a Unniiicorrrrrn.

Also, I'd like magic powers and teleportation. I like to want things I can't have, because they don't exist. Then, when I don't get them, I can be like "Oh well, unicorns aren't real," instead of "What's wrong with you Riese, that you couldn't get a unicorn? Are you trying hard enough? Coal again?" You know what I mean? Also I wish I could respond to some of my holiday e-vites with not just Yes, No, or Maybe, but: "Are You Fucking Kidding?" I mean, have you noticed that even when you have a serious falling out with someone, they continue to eVite you to everything? Like, really Papi? Why?!? I'm not going to your Holiday Party unless I'm allowed to put arsenic in the punch. Secret Santa has SARS, that's the real secret.

SUNDAY TOP TEN:
MY CHANNUKISITIS WISH-LIST
OF THINGS I WILL NEVER GET
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T REAL

**
10.Time Machine

If you've spent any time with Haviland lately -- I know I sure have -- you're aware she's a fan of the show Heroes and thinks you should be too, she can't stop talking about it. I had nothing to contribute to the 100 Heroes-related convos, aside from the 100% true statement "I love time travel," which Cait found hilarious. I really do though, one of my favorite topics ever, and I'm a long-time fan of its representation in the media: Quantum Leap (TV), Back to the Future, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Choose Your Own Adventure Time Machine Series, Flight of the Navigator, Charlotte Sometimes (the book and The Cure song referencing the book) and I wrote a whole time travel novel called "Silver Eyes" in 1988 which was probs a hit, but is now lost forever to wherever Mac SE-30s go to get old and die.

Where would you go if you had a time machine? I'd go back to the 70's so I could do fun things before we knew fun causes heart attacks, kidney failures, various cancers, premature aging, overdose and death, SARS, brain damage, sudden conversion to evangelicalism, rehab and/or The HIV. It'd be sweet to experience the bonds of a generation relatively united over more than just a common love of facebook, and also wild amounts of kick-ass fun were possible and there was no internet to document and broadcast your missteps/misshapes. Obvs I'm getting most of my ideas about the 70's from movies that may or may not even be about the 70's, like Dazed and Confused, Studio 54, Almost Famous and Boogie Nights.

9. Internet-Time-Tracker:

If Google is really stealing our souls and tracking our movements they may as well help out by sharing what they've discovered with us. I need to know how I spend my time in order to spend it better, 'cause I always feel like I've got 30 more things to do and haven't accomplished anything. I guess that having "write a book," "get a television show produced," "launch and fix all current net-related projects" and "write two longass blogs" on my daily to-do list means that it'll rarely feel finished. But seriously; like how much time do I spend looking for blog photos? How much time writing email? How much time on g-chat or reading blogs or writing blogs or doing my actual job or reading email but not replying or creating my actual wish lists? How much time spent online where I'm actually not actively engaged with the internet, but just have it on?

These, my friends, are the important things I think about because I have chapstick for brains. How much time did I spend thinking about those things? Well, I don't know.

8. A Barista/Personal Serving Wench

Why doesn't Starbucks deliver? I get at least one latte per day, which requires dressing in adult clothing and trudging to the corner despite inclement weather, like in the winter I've gotta basically swaddle myself in linens and fleece just to survive the one block trek. Certainly there's someone out there with better circulation who could help me out with this, then play with my hair afterwards.

7. Auto-Straddle/Win Boyshorts and Really Papi T-Shirts

Oh wait ... those ARE real. I mean ... not right this minute. But within weeks, your dreams and our dreams will become a reality. Vega is all over it with her design skills. Save your pennies, your girlfriend already told me what she wants for Christmas, and I'll give you a hint, it is not an electronic toothbrush, unless your name is "Susan" and you live in Royal Oak with my mother. If you're Jewish, your girlfriend still wants our merch for Christmas, Jesus was a Jew obvs. If you have a boyfriend he wants it too, even if he's Kwanzaain.

6. Neutrogena On-the-Spot Acne Patch

This product no longer exists. I've got no idea why, it was a miracle product, maybe the bunnies didn't think so. Stop Animal Testing.

5. The Latest Short Story Books by the following authors, [publication date of most recent short story anthology published indicated in brackets]:
Mary Gatiskill (1998 ), Lorrie Moore (1998), Thisbe Nissen (2000), Maggie Estep (1999), A.M Homes (2003) and Miranda July (2006)

I can't get these because they don't exist. Sometimes 'cause the authors just haven't written one or don't want to or are instead writing novels, but I know it's also that they're discouraged to do so in the first place by our weirdo industry. As a former employee of a literary agency and a current member of the publishing universe, I'm well aware that short story books "don't sell." I don't understand this! Everyone I know loves short story books. My people also love free health care for all citizens, providing oral pleasure to members of the same sex on occasion and cute haircuts, so obvs we're not a representative sample of the U.S. population. But here's how it works -- short story books are published reluctantly and almost exclusively as part of a two or three book deal, which also includes a few novels. It's like the publishing company allows the writer to indulge themselves by publishing short fiction but it's really just a reward for the writer's agreement to fashion a novel, not an actual attempt to produce a best-selling book. Writers like Lorrie Moore rebel against this convention by writing novels that are actually just three short stories (like Anagrams). Some just write novels that aren't nearly as compelling as their short fiction. Besides, that's a lot of plots that might appeal to me as opposed to only one narrative that might not sound as immediately interesting when I pick up the book and read the book, 'cause I'm committing to it for so much longer. Also, sidenote, I just found this interview of Lorrie Moore and it's brill.

4. A Hunger-Meter

You'd think if we are able to invent cars that know when they're out of gas regardless of the weather or their feelings or circumstance or driver, we should ourselves have such capabilities towards our own appetites. We've been ruined by psychology, processed foods and an agressive commercial/advertising laden culture which tells us what to want and why -- paradoxical, alarming, unavoidable. That's okay. I wish I could survive on potato products, peanut butter and melted cheese. Maybe I could. ACTUALLY I totes did once, during the bell jar summer of '03, except in that particular situation by "potato product" I don't mean french fries, I mean vodka. Usually I mean french fries. Or any kind of potato product, like latkes or mashed potatoes or tater tots.

3. Holodeck

Oh! The holodeck is from Star Trek. All the cool kids like that show, it's better than The L Word. The Holodeck is far more advanced than anything virtual reality has thus far accomplished, technologically. You use a holodeck to practice fighting aliens, role-play future situations or just hang out, like, "what's up, I'd like to play out this or that fantasy," e.g., two chicks at once, punching annoying people in the face, having sweet love with fictional characters or dead people or both like Dana Fairbanks. I wish they did an L Word-Star Trek crossover episode, I feel like Bette and Deanna Troi could have some hot sex and Jenny could date some enemy alien and be like "I'm a woman who likes to fuck other Klingons, fuck you and your uptight tightness, let's kill dogs, write it on my chest, baruch atah bladibla," etc.

2. The Old Style of Poland Spring Water Bottles

We have in this photograph a perfect specimen of water bottle. Any problems here? No, no problems. It's a traditional, time-tested method of storing bottled H20 -- everyone else is doing it. But Poland Spring ... why? why?!!??? Why did you switch to this new kind of bottle that breaks in one's bag and explodes, dripping everywhere, literally nearly 100% of the time?

I wrote about this in my carousel of progress in May, and at that time Tara claimed that she actually liked the new kind of bottle, and then the next day one of the new bottles obviously broke in her bag -- as it does to me every single day -- and got everything wet, therefore proving my point and making her agree with me. I mention this because perhaps if you read my prior deliberation on the topic and subsequently declared your allegiance to the new style, I imagine you too have witnessed its damp reality by now and are now on my side. If you haven't, it's basically a time bomb, watch out, waterproof your ipod asap. That blue thingie is a peace of crap, it's the water bottle equivalent of a condom made out of tissue paper.

1. TIE: X-Men Powers OR Go-Go-Gadget Umbrella

There are advantages to both of these things. On the one hand, there's a plethora of non-existent superpowers including mind-reading, the ability to move through walls and hands that turn into wolverine spearclaws. On the other had, if you leave the apartment w/o an umbrella and then it starts to rain and you don't want to mess up your cute hair, it'd be hot to go 'Go-Go-Gadget-Brella' and have an umbrella pop out of your hand w/o having to wait in line at Rite-Aid or deal with a street vendor, it also has the added benefit of flying powers. In conclusion, I'd like to be Mystique the shapeshifter. She's lythe and blue and bisexual and beautiful, she can shape shift obvs and become anyone she want to be -- she can take over another person's life with her body, soak up their superpowers, she's immortal, she can heal wounds, she birthed Nightcrawler who then grew up to say wise things, like about what you can and cannot see/believe with your own two eyes. I've never been particularly interested in eternal life, but she doesn't age or anything, so maybe it'd be fun, though less fun if Poland Spring doesn't fix their water bottles, because then I'd spend my whole life cleaning out wet bags. Haha.