Sunday, December 02, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: All I Want For Channukistis is Magical Powers

Last year, My Two Moms' Channukistis wish lists were glistening fodder for auto-comedy gold and included, among other seemingly innocuous requests; "queen size flannel sheets -- no flowers!", "MacWord," "No-Batteries Flashlight," "Gas Card," 'Beading How-To/Starter Set," the uncharacteristically specific "Sharper Image Digital Dashboard Compass & Weather Station-CE352" and a Lawn Tractor, Snowblower, Reciprocating Saw and canoe. ["We're not getting a canoe, because then they're gonna want me to ride in it." -my brother] This year, perhaps in a reaction to last year's blog o'gift-snark, Mom's really given me nothing to work with besides an electric toothbrush -- in fact, following that item on her list, she added, in brackets: "gotta give you at least one item you can ridicule on your Blog." I'm not sure what she's implying by that. Hm. Also, suddenly my Other Mother wants jewelery instead of power tools, which seems suspicious, perhaps she's just trying to avoid the re-print of this photo, which I found on a stock photo site under the "lesbian" category last year:
So ... this time of year, normally reserved for alienating my family just in time to go visit them and put my fate in their hands, I must turn again to memememememe. What do I want? Nothing, just a shack and a fishing pole, obvs, like Walden Pond. Ho hum. I don't know what I want or who I am. Actually, I do know what I want: for our country to figure out how to re-distribute the obscenely unequal distribution of wealth in order to fix the segregated and fucked-up educational system, stop child hunger, end enabled spousal and child abuse and the penal system that punishes women who fight back, reorient the economic systems that turn our most disenfranchised and least free citizens into the bulk of our military force, and provide health care for everyone. Ta-DA! And a Unniiicorrrrrn.

Also, I'd like magic powers and teleportation. I like to want things I can't have, because they don't exist. Then, when I don't get them, I can be like "Oh well, unicorns aren't real," instead of "What's wrong with you Riese, that you couldn't get a unicorn? Are you trying hard enough? Coal again?" You know what I mean? Also I wish I could respond to some of my holiday e-vites with not just Yes, No, or Maybe, but: "Are You Fucking Kidding?" I mean, have you noticed that even when you have a serious falling out with someone, they continue to eVite you to everything? Like, really Papi? Why?!? I'm not going to your Holiday Party unless I'm allowed to put arsenic in the punch. Secret Santa has SARS, that's the real secret.


10.Time Machine

If you've spent any time with Haviland lately -- I know I sure have -- you're aware she's a fan of the show Heroes and thinks you should be too, she can't stop talking about it. I had nothing to contribute to the 100 Heroes-related convos, aside from the 100% true statement "I love time travel," which Cait found hilarious. I really do though, one of my favorite topics ever, and I'm a long-time fan of its representation in the media: Quantum Leap (TV), Back to the Future, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Choose Your Own Adventure Time Machine Series, Flight of the Navigator, Charlotte Sometimes (the book and The Cure song referencing the book) and I wrote a whole time travel novel called "Silver Eyes" in 1988 which was probs a hit, but is now lost forever to wherever Mac SE-30s go to get old and die.

Where would you go if you had a time machine? I'd go back to the 70's so I could do fun things before we knew fun causes heart attacks, kidney failures, various cancers, premature aging, overdose and death, SARS, brain damage, sudden conversion to evangelicalism, rehab and/or The HIV. It'd be sweet to experience the bonds of a generation relatively united over more than just a common love of facebook, and also wild amounts of kick-ass fun were possible and there was no internet to document and broadcast your missteps/misshapes. Obvs I'm getting most of my ideas about the 70's from movies that may or may not even be about the 70's, like Dazed and Confused, Studio 54, Almost Famous and Boogie Nights.

9. Internet-Time-Tracker:
If Google is really stealing our souls and tracking our movements they may as well help out by sharing what they've discovered with us. I need to know how I spend my time in order to spend it better, 'cause I always feel like I've got 30 more things to do and haven't accomplished anything. I guess that having "write a book," "get a television show produced," "launch and fix all current net-related projects" and "write two longass blogs" on my daily to-do list means that it'll rarely feel finished. But seriously; like how much time do I spend looking for blog photos? How much time writing email? How much time on g-chat or reading blogs or writing blogs or doing my actual job or reading email but not replying or creating my actual wish lists? How much time spent online where I'm actually not actively engaged with the internet, but just have it on?

These, my friends, are the important things I think about because I have chapstick for brains. How much time did I spend thinking about those things? Well, I don't know.

8. A Barista/Personal Serving Wench
Why doesn't Starbucks deliver? I get at least one latte per day, which requires dressing in adult clothing and trudging to the corner despite inclement weather, like in the winter I've gotta basically swaddle myself in linens and fleece just to survive the one block trek. Certainly there's someone out there with better circulation who could help me out with this, then play with my hair afterwards.

7. Auto-Straddle/Win Boyshorts and Really Papi T-Shirts
Oh wait ... those ARE real. I mean ... not right this minute. But within weeks, your dreams and our dreams will become a reality. Vega is all over it with her design skills. Save your pennies, your girlfriend already told me what she wants for Christmas, and I'll give you a hint, it is not an electronic toothbrush, unless your name is "Susan" and you live in Royal Oak with my mother. If you're Jewish, your girlfriend still wants our merch for Christmas, Jesus was a Jew obvs. If you have a boyfriend he wants it too, even if he's Kwanzaain.

6. Neutrogena On-the-Spot Acne Patch
This product no longer exists. I've got no idea why, it was a miracle product, maybe the bunnies didn't think so. Stop Animal Testing.

5. The Latest Short Story Books by the following authors, [publication date of most recent short story anthology published indicated in brackets]:
Mary Gatiskill (
1998 ), Lorrie Moore (1998), Thisbe Nissen (2000), Maggie Estep (1999), A.M Homes (2003) and Miranda July (2006)

I can't get these because they don't exist. Sometimes 'cause the authors just haven't written one or don't want to or are instead writing novels, but I know it's also that they're discouraged to do so in the first place by our weirdo industry. As a former employee of a literary agency and a current member of the publishing universe, I'm well aware that short story books "don't sell." I don't understand this! Everyone I know loves short story books. My people also love free health care for all citizens, providing oral pleasure to members of the same sex on occasion and cute haircuts, so obvs we're not a representative sample of the U.S. population. But here's how it works -- short story books are published reluctantly and almost exclusively as part of a two or three book deal, which also includes a few novels. It's like the publishing company allows the writer to indulge themselves by publishing short fiction but it's really just a reward for the writer's agreement to fashion a novel, not an actual attempt to produce a best-selling book. Writers like Lorrie Moore rebel against this convention by writing novels that are actually just three short stories (like Anagrams). Some just write novels that aren't nearly as compelling as their short fiction. Besides, that's a lot of plots that might appeal to me as opposed to only one narrative that might not sound as immediately interesting when I pick up the book and read the book, 'cause I'm committing to it for so much longer. Also, sidenote, I just found this interview of Lorrie Moore and it's brill.

4. A Hunger-Meter

You'd think if we are able to invent cars that know when they're out of gas regardless of the weather or their feelings or circumstance or driver, we should ourselves have such capabilities towards our own appetites. We've been ruined by psychology, processed foods and an agressive commercial/advertising laden culture which tells us what to want and why -- paradoxical, alarming, unavoidable. That's okay. I wish I could survive on potato products, peanut butter and melted cheese. Maybe I could. ACTUALLY I totes did once, during the bell jar summer of '03, except in that particular situation by "potato product" I don't mean french fries, I mean vodka. Usually I mean french fries. Or any kind of potato product, like latkes or mashed potatoes or tater tots.

3. Holodeck

Oh! The holodeck is from Star Trek. All the cool kids like that show, it's better than The L Word. The Holodeck is far more advanced than anything virtual reality has thus far accomplished, technologically. You use a holodeck to practice fighting aliens, role-play future situations or just hang out, like, "what's up, I'd like to play out this or that fantasy," e.g., two chicks at once, punching annoying people in the face, having sweet love with fictional characters or dead people or both like Dana Fairbanks. I wish they did an L Word-Star Trek crossover episode, I feel like Bette and Deanna Troi could have some hot sex and Jenny could date some enemy alien and be like "I'm a woman who likes to fuck other Klingons, fuck you and your uptight tightness, let's kill dogs, write it on my chest, baruch atah bladibla," etc.

2. The Old Style of Poland Spring Water Bottles

We have in this photograph a perfect specimen of water bottle. Any problems here? No, no problems. It's a traditional, time-tested method of storing bottled H20 -- everyone else is doing it. But Poland Spring ... why? why?!!??? Why did you switch to this new kind of bottle that breaks in one's bag and explodes, dripping everywhere, literally nearly 100% of the time?

I wrote about this in my carousel of progress in May, and at that time Tara claimed that she actually liked the new kind of bottle, and then the next day one of the new bottles obviously broke in her bag -- as it does to me every single day -- and got everything wet, therefore proving my point and making her agree with me. I mention this because perhaps if you read my prior deliberation on the topic and subsequently declared your allegiance to the new style, I imagine you too have witnessed its damp reality by now and are now on my side. If you haven't, it's basically a time bomb, watch out, waterproof your ipod asap. That blue thingie is a peace of crap, it's the water bottle equivalent of a condom made out of tissue paper.

1. TIE: X-Men Powers OR Go-Go-Gadget Umbrella
There are advantages to both of these things. On the one hand, there's a plethora of non-existent superpowers including mind-reading, the ability to move through walls and hands that turn into wolverine spearclaws. On the other had, if you leave the apartment w/o an umbrella and then it starts to rain and you don't want to mess up your cute hair, it'd be hot to go 'Go-Go-Gadget-Brella' and have an umbrella pop out of your hand w/o having to wait in line at Rite-Aid or deal with a street vendor, it also has the added benefit of flying powers. In conclusion, I'd like to be Mystique the shapeshifter. She's lythe and blue and bisexual and beautiful, she can shape shift obvs and become anyone she want to be -- she can take over another person's life with her body, soak up their superpowers, she's immortal, she can heal wounds, she birthed Nightcrawler who then grew up to say wise things, like about what you can and cannot see/believe with your own two eyes. I've never been particularly interested in eternal life, but she doesn't age or anything, so maybe it'd be fun, though less fun if Poland Spring doesn't fix their water bottles, because then I'd spend my whole life cleaning out wet bags. Haha.


Bridget said...

"Secret Santa has SARS, that's the real secret"

srsly awesome

so wait arn't you missing Lozo on your list? with whipped cream wrapping paper and his dick in a christmas box?


t-shirts i'll take about 50 and make everyone wear them to the L word premiere...actually why don't u get Big Exit 2 run a merch table at the l word premiere and sell ur goods?

riese said...

I'm putting you down for 50. Seriously, srsly. srsllyyyyyy ... it's gonna be effin brill, and then it'll be easy for us to all find each other!

And oh you bet Big Exit is all over the merch table, she's coordinating production of the merch obvs. Team-work makes the dream work ...

The thing with Lozo is if I said, "lozo, please come over with whipped cream wrapping paper around your unmentionables etc etc" he would probably do it, so it does exist and therefore is disqualified. Actually, that's not true, he's convinced that Harlem is in Siberia, though he lives in my favorite state, new Jersey, so maybe it is non-existent, but that being said, I like to aim for the stars.

MoonKiller said...

I love Heroes. My BFF has got me a 'Save The Cheerleader, Save The World' tshirt for me, she said she had to tell me in advance as she feared that if she kept it as a surprise I might cry with overwhelment and possibly keel over and die.

I also want to travel back the 70s. And I was also inspired by Almost Famous. My parents wasted the 70s, they were listening to stuff like Slade when The Rolling Stones and Zepplin were around.

Starbucks delivery would be the best thing EVER. I'd be like 'Yo, tall Americano, extra shot, no space for milk on my bedside table when I wake up or I'll report you to the authorities because you are clearly and illegal immigrant.'

And The Justice League is so much better than X-Men. There's a Justice League film coming out in 2010 and I'm counting down the daysss. Adam Brody is playing The Flash apparently. I'm so excited I can't even breathe. ANYWAY. You can ignore my rambling. But seriously who needs Wolverine, Mystique and co when you can have Superman, Wonderwoman AND Batman.

cait said...

what's hereos? i've never heard of it. is it good? should i watch it?

the way you deadpanned 'i love time travel' was what made it so funny, i am actually loling as i am typing this, so clearly something about it is STILL hilarious to me.

maybe if you'd bought more than a travel sized container of the acne patches you wouldn't miss them so much, cause you'd have some stored up.. nevermind

stef said...

when did my name become big exit? is that all i am to you? the living embodiment of all those limbless children in some foreign sweatshop (allegedly in downtown LA) who flail their nubby little arm stumps wildly to bring you your "really papi?" t-shirts for eleven cents a day?!?! what am i talking about? i don't know. if you want that stuff for christmas, we need to get that stuff ready like kinda NOWWWWish. but i will totally man your merch table, obvs, it's apparently my calling in life.

this was helpful, thank you, more helpful than an amazon wishlist. i have your hanukkah present already but you can't have it yet cos it's not hanukkah yet. it's not on this list, which is worrisome.

i only have one mom and she still won't tell me what she wants for hanukkah, although my family have put off celebrating til christmas cos we're all too busy (i am NOT down with this as i feel it defeats the entire purpose of being a jew). i told you i think how they made hanukkah into a facebook event, and it's hosted by god? this year, the holidays are effed.

Lozo said...

i'm going to read this later, because haviland and i are going to get some pie for lunch, but i just want to say that "penal system that punishes women who fight back" sounds like my sexual technique with the ladies.

dagny said...

when i started reading this i was sure that an orgasmatron would be on the list. i'm a little dissapointed

Haviland Stillwell said...

1. heroes is one of the only thing that gives me any excitement right now, so don't hate.

2. pie sucks. try nutritious creations cookies! or perhaps tasti-d-lite!

3. omgggg it's so cold. scene.

carlytron said...

Urrg. I'd much rather be watching Heroes or X2 (seriously best superhero movie EVERRR) or eating Tasti-D or reading Calvin and Hobbes or even watching Star Trek (the Next Generation, obvs) than working, cause I put off all the work I had to do all week and now I have to do it all RIGHT NOW. Booooooooo.

This list is really good though, and I agree, fuck those Poland Spring bottles, they are nothing but trouble.

Jaime said...

I'd like to amen the Holodeck and the bullshittiness that is the new Poland Spring bottles. I've given up and now unscrew my water bottles, even at the gym or in the middle of the night. (PS, I know it's not walking distance, but the 145th St NYSC is so lovely and always empty, so if you ever get too sick of the Harlem gym, I recommend it.)

I feel like I haven't commented it seventeen years. I've totally lost the ability to write multi-paragraph essays here. Shit.

Crystal said...

If I had a time machine I'd travel back a few decades so I could tour with Devo.

I'm a huge fan of Heroes, it's one of the best shows ever made. The cheerleader is releasing an album next year and I'm all giddy with excitement.

a;ex said...

One of my fav aspects of this specific blog entry was that it was right here waiting for me after I had my pancakes this morning...

anyway, the point is: I'm submitting my application for the position of "Barista/Personal Serving Wench."
References upon request.

also, I'm really a fan of Lozo's comments.

Lozo said...

now that i've read this, i'd like to say i would also like to partake in the holodeck and x-men powers and go-go-gadget umbrella. although, my holodeck would be very porny at all times, my x-men power would be to kill people by touching them, and by "go-go-gadget umbrella," i mean, "go-go-gadget penis."

also, when you're done with semicolon, can i borrow her for a t-shirt idea i've had for a while now? i don't want to repeat it on the internets, for people can see into the tubes and steal my ideas.

Lozo said...

oh, and i just noticed semicolon's love of my comments. i would like to say thank you, and that i'm a big fan of her comments. and by "comments" i mean....

dewey said...

A "go-go-gadget umbrella" would be awesome, especially in England as obviously all it does here is rain!! It would also mean I could arrive at college/work/where ever, without looking like I’ve gone for a swim in all my clothes. As I wrote that I realised how much I actually hate the rain, mainly because it’s accompanied by wind, and wind and rain does nothing for the hair. And...OMG....puddles!! I hate puddles! You either get splashed by idiots in cars or get soaking wet feet. And my jeans...always being a bit too long...get wet, and that wetness slowly soaks up to my knee area (haha wetness, made me chuckle)

Anyways......YAY go-go-gadget umbrellas!!

(I totally just freaked out as i scrolled down to find there's no longer an "other" bit, then i noticed the "nickname" bit)

Jo said...

Whoever designed the new Poland Springs bottle deserves to be fired. Not only does it leak, but it is top-heavy, and when placed in a car's cupholder, it falls over and gets the car wet whenever you(I) accelerate or brake.

Also, an early Hanukkah gift for you:

Jo said...

I just talked to my roommates and we all had a convo about how much the new Poland Springs bottle sucks. I didn't even start the convo.

So yeah, I just had to rush back to my computer to tell you that.

Lozo said...

wait a second. i come back to read some comment responses, and i'm just now seeing my winky smothered in cool whip? or do you prefer reddi-whip? riese, if you don't ask for these gifts, they can't be given, you know?

and harlem is not in siberia. it's in harlem. i've heard there's a lot of black people in harlem. but i'm coming over after work now just to make a point.

riese said...

MK: I love the Justice League, and luckily by 2010 I'll be back onto the movie-watching bandwagon (I'm currently still pursuing The Year of No Movies). I have a soft spot in my heart for illegal immigrants so I'd probably tip the Starbucks Delivery Baristo $10 and end up getting stalkers. Not because I'm stalkable, but because they'd want more of my money.

Cait: You should only watch heroes if you like time travel. For example, I like time travel. Are you LOL'ing?

stef: When people start referring to you by your blog name, that's when you know you've really made it. (this is what I repeat to myself every night, 10 times, before bed) You did tell me about G-d's big party but I forgot and am glad you reminded me, because that dude throws a sweet party and I MUST be there.

Lozo: Taking Haviland out for pie, incorporating spousal abuse into your sexual technique ... you'll score in no time!

dagny: What's an Orgasmatron? Does it work better than a real live girl?

Haviland: I'm not hating, as I said, I love Time Travel. Perhaps you'd enjoy a Luna Bar Key Lime Pie flavor?

carlytron: Every time I make pop cultural references from earlier years, or you do, I feel a deep stinging pain deep down inside that we weren't BFFs in middle school. I mean, the Jersey thing would've been a problem, but whatevs.

Jaime: See, it's that NaBloPoMO thing, probs focusing too much on yourself, but I think you can get back into the habit once you re-focus your energies from your own writing to your own writing on my blog and THANK YOU, re: poland spring. See, the 125th one is literally two blocks from my apartment. That's really tough to beat, I should probs cancel my passport membership.

Crystal: If I had a time machine I would travel back in time a few decades so I could see you touring with Devo. Interesting what you say about the cheerleader and her album ...

a;ex: I was gonna say "I live to serve, obvs," in response to your fave aspect of this post being that it was right here waiting for you right after you had your pancakes, but then you turned it around on me by applying to serve me as my personal serving wench/barista, which you could easily auto-win, comment-contest style, though I'm interested in these references you mention, and then I realised, you serve me, I serve you, well, that's much better then what I was originally gonna say, anyhow.

Lozo: You realise that penises already have go-go-gadget powers right? Like, you press something and it pops out, that's how it works, isn't it? It's been a while, but I think that's what I remember.
Top-secret t-shirt idea ... is it related, in any way, to not caring about dead people?

dewey: The worst thing is when you have soaking wet feet and pants and then your Poland Spring water bottle explodes! Umbrellas are useless in the rain, and when it gets really bad in NYC you can't ever get a cab, and then all the streets flood, and people splash you -- that's the real reason New Yorkers always wear black.

Jo: Okay, your comment has convinced me this is a universal consensus, even amongst those who prefer cars to hold things rather than overstuffed messenger bags. I'd be enthusiastic about the power of the little people to change the universe when they are all of similar mind and spirit and perhaps start a petition, but then I remember that I've been whining and moaning about the l word being bad for a long time now, and IC still doesn't care. So instead, I'll just keep moaning about it, maybe Mr. Spring will google himself one day and see how we all feel about him and his little inventions.

Lozo: You're really only able to handle me in small doses today it would seem, this is like a real relationship already. My favorite way to eat cool-whip is out of the can. Low-fat please.

Lozo said...

out of the can? the butt? weirdo.

LMC said...

Once upon a time, I was obsessed with Inspector Gadget. (I'm so tired I almost spelled obsessed with a "u".) While a Go-Go Gadget Umbrella would be awesome, I kinda think I'd just like to be Penny. That girl was awesome!

Also, Mystique is hot.

dagny said...

woah, i guess that comment is kind of creepy if you aren't obsessed with woody allen


Allie said...

I loved Quantum Leap. Both because I, too, love time travel (Hiro is the coolest little man), and also because I love shows about people who go around making things right. Ever seen the show The Pretender? Besides the fact that I am completely infatuated with Andrea Parker (legs, legs, legs), the entire premise of using your skills to help the world one screwed person at a time is my dream job.

Rhee said...

even tho they don't exist, heres one just for you...this is the low maintenance kind lol

rocketdyke said...

yay for the science fiction heavy wish list.

also, i am excited about heroes, too. its a great show.

also, my gf actually did specifically ask me to get her an electric toothbrush for xmas. its the only present she has asked for, so i have to get it, even though i feel like its a lame present to get for your gf. i guess its more important, though, to get her what she wants.

carlytron said...

allie: I was totes into the Pretender and Andrea Parker's legs ... I was really into Profiler too. She was a total lez. Or at least her roommate lady was.

riese said...

Lozo: At least I don't kill football players and then do a little dance on their grave.

LMC: I'd like to be in Penny.

Just kidding. You basically handed that one to me.

dagny: I like um, Annie Hall. That invention sounds good, though not near as good as anything Willy Wonka had in his factory.


Rhee: Aw, she's like the Brian Kinney of unicorns.

Rocketdyke: OMG, are you my other mother?!

Maybe she wants to use it in the bedroom? It makes a suggestive buzzing noise, like an Orgasmatron.

carly: carly: you know, your roommate said the same thing about you.

Bridget said...

lozo: sugar free cool whip is the best - doesn't stick as much (i learned that from samantha)

beteedubs how do i comment on the amazing-ness of todays auto-universe? amy sedaris is my hero and i was obsessed with Dolly Parton as a kid (made my parents name our cat Dolly b/c of it) --> i guess i will just pay homage 2 u at my lametastic blog.

srsly, word.

and oh yeah - hooray for hanukkah!

Lozo said...

riese, you're an idiot.

bridget, we should hit the grocery store and a hotel room.

The Spaz said...

If you Love time travel you should read To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis.

LMC said...

Riese: Ha, I think Penny is like 10. You are a perv.

Also, quick question re: stock photos. Where do you get yours? Do you pay for them? Cuz I have been very hardpressed to find places online to get good stock photos with paying out the wazoo, as my mother would say.

Allie and Carly: I, too, loved the Pretender and Andrea Parker! She was always so gorgeous with the aforementioned legs and the suits, and her delicious bitchiness, with the hurt little girl inside. If I were to write a Riese-esque Top 10 of Fictional Characters Who Made Me Realize I Wasn't 100% Straight, she'd be right up there.

The Spaz: To Say Nothing of the Dog is, like, the best book ever.

Bridget said...

lozo - it is my understanding that u belong 2 riese and her cohorts

spanks 4 the offer though, lozo. (that's kinda hard 2 say out loud - "though lozo" kinda like "sufferin suckatash" - "though lozo" "though lozo" "though lozo" - or not at all)nevermind.