Also, I'd like magic powers and teleportation. I like to want things I can't have, because they don't exist. Then, when I don't get them, I can be like "Oh well, unicorns aren't real," instead of "What's wrong with you Riese, that you couldn't get a unicorn? Are you trying hard enough? Coal again?" You know what I mean? Also I wish I could respond to some of my holiday e-vites with not just Yes, No, or Maybe, but: "Are You Fucking Kidding?" I mean, have you noticed that even when you have a serious falling out with someone, they continue to eVite you to everything? Like, really Papi? Why?!? I'm not going to your Holiday Party unless I'm allowed to put arsenic in the punch. Secret Santa has SARS, that's the real secret.
MY CHANNUKISITIS WISH-LIST
OF THINGS I WILL NEVER GET
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T REAL
If you've spent any time with Haviland lately -- I know I sure have -- you're aware she's a fan of the show Heroes and thinks you should be too, she can't stop talking about it. I had nothing to contribute to the 100 Heroes-related convos, aside from the 100% true statement "I love time travel," which Cait found hilarious. I really do though, one of my favorite topics ever, and I'm a long-time fan of its representation in the media: Quantum Leap (TV), Back to the Future, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Choose Your Own Adventure Time Machine Series, Flight of the Navigator, Charlotte Sometimes (the book and The Cure song referencing the book) and I wrote a whole time travel novel called "Silver Eyes" in 1988 which was probs a hit, but is now lost forever to wherever Mac SE-30s go to get old and die.
Where would you go if you had a time machine? I'd go back to the 70's so I could do fun things before we knew fun causes heart attacks, kidney failures, various cancers, premature aging, overdose and death, SARS, brain damage, sudden conversion to evangelicalism, rehab and/or The HIV. It'd be sweet to experience the bonds of a generation relatively united over more than just a common love of facebook, and also wild amounts of kick-ass fun were possible and there was no internet to document and broadcast your missteps/misshapes. Obvs I'm getting most of my ideas about the 70's from movies that may or may not even be about the 70's, like Dazed and Confused, Studio 54, Almost Famous and Boogie Nights.
These, my friends, are the important things I think about because I have chapstick for brains. How much time did I spend thinking about those things? Well, I don't know.
Mary Gatiskill (1998 ), Lorrie Moore (1998), Thisbe Nissen (2000), Maggie Estep (1999), A.M Homes (2003) and Miranda July (2006)
4. A Hunger-Meter
I wrote about this in my carousel of progress in May, and at that time Tara claimed that she actually liked the new kind of bottle, and then the next day one of the new bottles obviously broke in her bag -- as it does to me every single day -- and got everything wet, therefore proving my point and making her agree with me. I mention this because perhaps if you read my prior deliberation on the topic and subsequently declared your allegiance to the new style, I imagine you too have witnessed its damp reality by now and are now on my side. If you haven't, it's basically a time bomb, watch out, waterproof your ipod asap. That blue thingie is a peace of crap, it's the water bottle equivalent of a condom made out of tissue paper.