This's particularly funny 'cause we've been really gunning for ourselves that it's okay that we've got an hour-long pilot for our half-hour sitcom. But I don't have to recap my own sitcom. OMG, what if someone recapped our show? I think I'm gonna have to recap it too, just to be sure I'm the first one to make fun of myself. I'm stressed out just thinking about it. Clearly I need a screencap-focused intern. That's duty number two, after "Get me iced coffee. I said no sugar! NO G*&%$^#@* sugar, woman!" Seriously, if anyone's free right now, I'm so tired that I've moved my office to my bed. I read in a magazine never to do work on your bed because then your mind gets confused about what's supposed to happen on your bed and then it's harder to sleep. I think my mind is already plenty confused about what's supposed to happen in my bed. E.g., where is Jackie Warner?
Anyhow, it's always a good idea, when you don't know what to do for your blog because your brain is fried, to ask Lozo for suggestions. His demographic is pretty similar to mine; I'm a dubious bisexual who recaps lesbian television shows and talks about herself, he's a straight male who thinks [incorrectly] Kelly Clarkson is fat. I think we have a good crossover audience.
Really the main things we have in common are: we both like girls, we're often intoxicated, there is no situation too tragic for us to make jokes about it [and we know from tragedy], we know what Rex Manning Day is, and we are both mortal. He explores a variety of topics on his blog like: sex [not necessarily having it, obvs, but like, thinking about it and wanting to have it; who to have it with, how he'd like it, etc.] and baseball. These were his suggestions:
Things In Life You Wish You Had Done By Now
Things In Life You Want To Do Before You Die
Unexpected Things That Have Come As A Result Of Your Blog
Songs/Albums You'd Like To Have Sex To (perhaps again)
Places You'd Like To Live Instead of NYC
Places You'd Like To Bang Guys (kidding)
I'd like to bang guys over the head with a pitchfork. (kidding)
(Really, kidding! )
I think I already did Places I'd Like to Live Instead of NYC, more or less. Although right now I'm pretty focused on West Hollywood. I don't know how this happened, but I think it has something to do with mountains.
"Unexpected Things That Have Come As A Result of Your Blog" is clearly an attempt at getting me to tell stories about making out with girls, as is "Songs/Albums You'd Like to Have Sex To." So that leaves the first two things, which are both great ideas, good work Lozo. They are also sort of similar. That's okay. You have a lot of thoughts happening in your head at once.
[Also side note: I don't actually know Lozo in real life. Wouldn't want anyone to think we're BFFs sitting at the bar, because then you might wonder, why don't I have time to sit at the bar with you and be your BFF? Not that I'm super-fun to be at the bar with, I'm just bad at making time for people when I should. Well, I'm not at the bar with hypothetical friends, just ask Lozo, he's never even met me.]
Oh so, because I'm sort of taxed out from the recap/life, I'm going to be doing this thing that I used to do which is where I just write stuff down. It'll be candid and fun and tangential, like reality television, or talking to me in person, or my last blog, except not serious, and that went over a-ok. Anyhow I could do an Endless Series called "Ten Things I Want to Do Before I Die." I mean, there's so many things! Hm. Anyhow, this is today.
Also, remember in Office Space when he's like, What would you do if you got a million dollars? And he's like "Two chicks at once." That was funny.
10. Develop a Healthy Income That Enables The Production of A Child, Good Food, Travel, and Plenty Left Over to Donate to Those In Need and Everyone I Love and Every School I've Gone To and The Public School System in General, and Get Veneers or Whatever, New Teeth. Shiny White Teeth.
9. Go to Israel, The Land of Milk and Honey.
7. Place my Mother in a Really Fancy Nursing Home or Lesbian Retirement Community (Kidding, Mum! Scratch "Nursing" and "Retirement.")
Then, I'll move the whole family to Australia and then we'll get a nice house with a saucy maid and a gourmet cook for her and Susan. I can work for [redacted HR company, wouldn't want them to google this] whenever Crystal falls asleep at her desk or is too hungover to function, writing ads about enabling swift and effective delivery of deliverables. On the weekends I can travel to West Hollywood to hang out with Jackie Warner in her bed. Except I hate airplanes, they make me want to die/throw up. Which is ironic, considering I avoid them because I'm avoiding death via Al Queda, but yet when I get inside one, I'm like, just kill me now, whatever, Praise Hoo-ha.
6. Fix my G-dforsaken Website, Etc.
I sorta-fixed my template on auto-straddle but it's still messed up in spots [why are the new widgets at the bottom of the right hand sidebar?!! Anyone?!], and I don't have the time to do that here on auto-win and I want a new template here but I want to keep all my widgets. Also, my main webpage makes me want to scream, like Michael Jackson in the video for "Scream," I hate it. Even just a better banner. I keep making new banners and they keep sucking.
I imagine if you're really good at something, you can do it really fast, right? Also, you can win a free date with Haviland (if you're a lesbian), Natalie (if you're a straight man), Cesar (if you're a smokin' hot gay man) or Lozo (if you're a straight girl) AND all of The L Word Season Four DVDs before they come out in stores. JK about that last part. That'll cost ya. (JK Mica at Showtime, seriously I promise I'm not going to sell them on ebay) (Until I finish this pound of crack rock on my desk, and then anything's fair game. How much would you pay me for Haviland? She's got really pretty hair.) (JK Heather I would never do that to you) (Before you leave for San Diego).
(Also Peter don't worry, I would never sell a date with Natalie. Since she lives in Cleveland right now, I figure I won't have to follow through anyhow. It's just that she's very pretty.)
Also you can have our dog, Heart. She's annoying and pees on the floor every time someone comes over. Also you can have my actual heart. That's right, all the love in my heart. (Warning: Most of it's been torn out and run over, but I do alright with what I've got left, I think.)
No but really. JK about all those things you could get. Yup. Nothing parenthetical about this particular instance of JKing. Howevs, seriously. Just thought I'd ... give it a shot? Email me or comment, or whatever.
5. Get a Six-Pack
4. To Read A Whole Bunch More Books And Be A Lot Smarter
3. Have a Nice Healthy Relationship Involving Love, Mutual Support, Intellectual/Creative Stimulation, Fantastic Mind-Blowing Sex, Independence, Personal Growth, Mutual Interests, Happiness and Stability.
1. All These Other Things I Apparently Wanted as of March 24, 2002
And obvs, I found one. When I constructed this list, I should've put "break up with my dumb boyfriend" and "stop drinking Mad Dog 40/40" at the top of the list. Oh well. I could probably make a whole blog just commenting on how I feel about these things now. Maybe I did put "break up with my dumb boyfriend." I guess that's "22." Also, I find "2" hilarious considering that a fear of "2" prevented me from submitting anything anywhere EVER until like, I moved to the city, so it's not like I'd gotten anything.
[ALSO: for "1," I had this obsession with "Stealing Beauty," the film.]
2. accept, with grace, one very solid rejection letter for a solid manuscript
3. solidify musical taste
4. have a relationship where i don't freak out all the time
5. make the most masterful mix tape ever
6. write a book
7. make a movie
8. learn to grill really well
9. watch/help a friend start a business that promotes independent artistic visions, or else do it myself
10. live with ryan again
11. find a nest with krista
12. join something in which i know not-one; ender bold, unfearing, make honest and uncynical efforts to make new friends
13. make my own website
14. have a darkroom in my house, which i use, a lot
15. learn to draw
16. make yoga a regular part of my life
17. learn to meditate
18. climb mount kilamanjaro
19. have a child
20. get a job at a magazine or a newspaper
21. go to sleep early, consistently, for at least a year
22. learn how to get out of destructive relationships, carve myself into the right ones
23. return all phone calls
24. really love my body, even if i will never have a flat stomach
25. help save a chinese baby
26. travel to india
27. learn something concrete and experiential about zen buddhism
28. gain pregnancy weight and not have a mental breakdown about it
29. cross-country road trip
30. live with jake
31. regain/embrace independence once more before i get married
32. listen, focus, pay attention
33. see the indigo girls with my daughter
Also, if there was a "34" it would be: "Have a blog with awesome readers like y'all."
Seriously! Not JK at all. Hands down totes dream come true in life.