Monday, August 13, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: I Want a House on the Beach and You in My Dreams

This week was the Season Three premiere of South of Nowhere, which, much to Carly and I's discontent, was an hour long. This effed up both my comforting-assertion-to-myself that SON recaps would take less time than L Word recaps and our drinking schedule. [Recap Here ]

This's particularly funny 'cause we've been really gunning for ourselves that it's okay that we've got an hour-long pilot for our half-hour sitcom. But I don't have to recap my own sitcom. OMG, what if someone recapped our show? I think I'm gonna have to recap it too, just to be sure I'm the first one to make fun of myself. I'm stressed out just thinking about it. Clearly I need a screencap-focused intern. That's duty number two, after "Get me iced coffee. I said no sugar! NO G*&%$^#@* sugar, woman!" Seriously, if anyone's free right now, I'm so tired that I've moved my office to my bed. I read in a magazine never to do work on your bed because then your mind gets confused about what's supposed to happen on your bed and then it's harder to sleep. I think my mind is already plenty confused about what's supposed to happen in my bed. E.g., where is Jackie Warner?

Anyhow, it's always a good idea, when you don't know what to do for your blog because your brain is fried, to ask Lozo for suggestions. His demographic is pretty similar to mine; I'm a dubious bisexual who recaps lesbian television shows and talks about herself, he's a straight male who thinks [incorrectly] Kelly Clarkson is fat. I think we have a good crossover audience.

Really the main things we have in common are: we both like girls, we're often intoxicated, there is no situation too tragic for us to make jokes about it [and we know from tragedy], we know what Rex Manning Day is, and we are both mortal. He explores a variety of topics on his blog like: sex [not necessarily having it, obvs, but like, thinking about it and wanting to have it; who to have it with, how he'd like it, etc.] and baseball. These were his suggestions:

Lozo's Top 10 Suggestions:
Things In Life You Wish You Had Done By Now
Things In Life You Want To Do Before You Die
Unexpected Things That Have Come As A Result Of Your Blog
Songs/Albums You'd Like To Have Sex To (perhaps again)
Places You'd Like To Live Instead of NYC
Places You'd Like To Bang Guys (kidding)

I'd like to bang guys over the head with a pitchfork. (kidding)
(Really, kidding! )

I think I already did Places I'd Like to Live Instead of NYC, more or less. Although right now I'm pretty focused on West Hollywood. I don't know how this happened, but I think it has something to do with mountains.

"Unexpected Things That Have Come As A Result of Your Blog" is clearly an attempt at getting me to tell stories about making out with girls, as is "Songs/Albums You'd Like to Have Sex To." So that leaves the first two things, which are both great ideas, good work Lozo. They are also sort of similar. That's okay. You have a lot of thoughts happening in your head at once.

[Also side note: I don't actually know Lozo in real life. Wouldn't want anyone to think we're BFFs sitting at the bar, because then you might wonder, why don't I have time to sit at the bar with you and be your BFF? Not that I'm super-fun to be at the bar with, I'm just bad at making time for people when I should. Well, I'm not at the bar with hypothetical friends, just ask Lozo, he's never even met me.]

Oh so, because I'm sort of taxed out from the recap/life, I'm going to be doing this thing that I used to do which is where I just write stuff down. It'll be candid and fun and tangential, like reality television, or talking to me in person, or my last blog, except not serious, and that went over a-ok. Anyhow I could do an Endless Series called "Ten Things I Want to Do Before I Die." I mean, there's so many things! Hm. Anyhow, this is today.

Also, remember in Office Space when he's like, What would you do if you got a million dollars? And he's like "Two chicks at once." That was funny.

Sunday Top Ten: Things In Life I Want To Do Before I Die
(Also sidenote Lozo, totes repetitive. Things "in life" I want to do before I die? As opposed to what, exactly? Things I'd like to do "in dreams"? )

10. Develop a Healthy Income That Enables The Production of A Child, Good Food, Travel, and Plenty Left Over to Donate to Those In Need and Everyone I Love and Every School I've Gone To and The Public School System in General, and Get Veneers or Whatever, New Teeth. Shiny White Teeth.

I think everyone wants this, clearly, except people who already got new teeth and people who're already rich. It would suck if that didn't happen until after I died, you know? (Lozo specified "in life," so I'm trying to stay faithful to the concept.) Like Van Gogh or whatever. Not that I'm comparing myself to Van Gogh. He'd probably call me and want me to never fucking compare myself to him, like Monet did to Jenny on "The L Word."

9. Go to Israel, The Land of Milk and Honey.

I want to cement my Hebrew language skills and see the Holy Lands of my people. I was gonna go when I finished studying Hebrew, but I got really scared of Al Queda. I am aware this is an irrational fear. But then: I started taking trains everywhere, like cross country and stuff, and having dreams about 9-11ish situations all the time.

8. Get "Living it Out" on the TeeVee
Obviously. Can I talk about this enough? [No.]

7. Place my Mother in a Really Fancy Nursing Home or Lesbian Retirement Community (Kidding, Mum! Scratch "Nursing" and "Retirement.")

When I get rich, the first thing I need to do is buy my Mom high-speed internet and a nice totesbag, because she uses really weird bags, like she was using a fanny pack as a purse for about two years, and usually'd just take my bags when I was done with them. It's cute when she shows up at the airport to pick me up with a backpack, but I'd like to treat her to somethin' special. I'm sure gmail adsense has some suggestions for totesbags on the right hand column of every email I've ever written.

Then, I'll move the whole family to Australia and then we'll get a nice house with a saucy maid and a gourmet cook for her and Susan. I can work for [redacted HR company, wouldn't want them to google this] whenever Crystal falls asleep at her desk or is too hungover to function, writing ads about enabling swift and effective delivery of deliverables. On the weekends I can travel to West Hollywood to hang out with Jackie Warner in her bed. Except I hate airplanes, they make me want to die/throw up. Which is ironic, considering I avoid them because I'm avoiding death via Al Queda, but yet when I get inside one, I'm like, just kill me now, whatever, Praise Hoo-ha.

6. Fix my G-dforsaken Website, Etc.

Does anyone have some free time and web design skills? [And a steady income not requiring any supplementation whatsoever?] If you've spent any time on OurChart today, I bet you could re-orient that time towards something else, for example, memememeeme. There are no rewards besides that I will link to you [if you want] which'll probs result in about 4-5 additional hits a week on your whatevs [only 2 of those will be from me], and I can make up stuff about you on the blog like "[your name here] gives great head" or "[your name here] said [this funny thing that actually I said]." So basically: no rewards. But I'll like you soooo much. SOOOOOO much. I don't like a lot of people. [Being liked by me=Not really a reward either.] Sigh.

I sorta-fixed my template on auto-straddle but it's still messed up in spots [why are the new widgets at the bottom of the right hand sidebar?!! Anyone?!], and I don't have the time to do that here on auto-win and I want a new template here but I want to keep all my widgets. Also, my main webpage makes me want to scream, like Michael Jackson in the video for "Scream," I hate it. Even just a better banner. I keep making new banners and they keep sucking.

I imagine if you're really good at something, you can do it really fast, right? Also, you can win a free date with Haviland (if you're a lesbian), Natalie (if you're a straight man), Cesar (if you're a smokin' hot gay man) or Lozo (if you're a straight girl) AND all of The L Word Season Four DVDs before they come out in stores. JK about that last part. That'll cost ya. (JK Mica at Showtime, seriously I promise I'm not going to sell them on ebay) (Until I finish this pound of crack rock on my desk, and then anything's fair game. How much would you pay me for Haviland? She's got really pretty hair.) (JK Heather I would never do that to you) (Before you leave for San Diego).

(Also Peter don't worry, I would never sell a date with Natalie. Since she lives in Cleveland right now, I figure I won't have to follow through anyhow. It's just that she's very pretty.)

Also you can have our dog, Heart. She's annoying and pees on the floor every time someone comes over. Also you can have my actual heart. That's right, all the love in my heart. (Warning: Most of it's been torn out and run over, but I do alright with what I've got left, I think.)

No but really. JK about all those things you could get. Yup. Nothing parenthetical about this particular instance of JKing. Howevs, seriously. Just thought I'd ... give it a shot? Email me or comment, or whatever.

5. Get a Six-Pack

I know, I know. I'm skinny. But why don't I [think I] have a six pack? I mean, aside from the fact that I [feel like I've] gained ten pounds in the last three weeks. That's not so much a result of excessive consumption as it is that I got super-emaciated due to the Depression Diet, and now I'm getting back to normal, which is still skinny, but STILL sans-six-pack. I referenced the Depression Diet (McDonalds and candy, mostly, because you need to motivate yourself to eat anything at all because heartache kills the appetite. A way OUT of a woman's stomach is through her heart, y'all!) in the post-breakup blog, if you're interested in trying it. This is what I'm going for:

4. To Read A Whole Bunch More Books And Be A Lot Smarter

There are about 10,000 smart-people books I haven't read yet that I really need to read. E.g., Written on the Body, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Howevermany Years of Solitude, Catch-22, To The Lighthouse, The Grapes of Wrath, The Fountainhead, A Room With a View, The Sun Also Rises, Midnight's Children, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man ... ugh, I could go on and on. I'm pretty up on contemporary lit, but I fall short in the backlist. I'm glad I read Jane Eyre already.
3. Have a Nice Healthy Relationship Involving Love, Mutual Support, Intellectual/Creative Stimulation, Fantastic Mind-Blowing Sex, Independence, Personal Growth, Mutual Interests, Happiness and Stability.
I know, it's a long shot. But look at Portia and Ellen! They're happy. It's possible.

2. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro
See, my Dad wanted to climb all Seven Summits (the highest peak on every continent) before he died, but clearly that didn't work out. I used to want to do that, but that might be sort of impractical. In any event, one of the ones he did get to is Kilimanjaro, and I'd like to go to the top of that mountain, and be like, "What's up? Here I am."

1. All These Other Things I Apparently Wanted as of March 24, 2002
In an effort to cut back on time [I think I'm talking about time management so much I can't possibly be doing it. Like "stop talking about time management" should be on my list of "ways to manage time more effectively."], I thought I'd search my hard drive to see if I'd possibly made a similar list at some earlier point in time, which wouldn't surprise me, because I have a lot of random lists on my computer.

And obvs, I found one. When I constructed this list, I should've put "break up with my dumb boyfriend" and "stop drinking Mad Dog 40/40" at the top of the list. Oh well. I could probably make a whole blog just commenting on how I feel about these things now. Maybe I did put "break up with my dumb boyfriend." I guess that's "22." Also, I find "2" hilarious considering that a fear of "2" prevented me from submitting anything anywhere EVER until like, I moved to the city, so it's not like I'd gotten anything.

ALSO: Things I've Totes Done: 2, 4, 11, 12, 13, 31 ... erum 22? Yeah. 22! I think!
[ALSO: for "1," I had this obsession with "Stealing Beauty," the film.]

The List of Things I Wanted on March 24 2002, Completely Un-Edited Despite It's COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING CONTENTS, especially number 33, which I really considered deleting, but thought, no, it's kinda funny, right?
1. go to italy, frolic in vineyards like liv tyler
2. accept, with grace, one very solid rejection letter for a solid manuscript
3. solidify musical taste
4. have a relationship where i don't freak out all the time
5. make the most masterful mix tape ever
6. write a book
7. make a movie
8. learn to grill really well
9. watch/help a friend start a business that promotes independent artistic visions, or else do it myself
10. live with ryan again
11. find a nest with krista
12. join something in which i know not-one; ender bold, unfearing, make honest and uncynical efforts to make new friends
13. make my own website
14. have a darkroom in my house, which i use, a lot
15. learn to draw
16. make yoga a regular part of my life
17. learn to meditate
18. climb mount kilamanjaro
19. have a child
20. get a job at a magazine or a newspaper
21. go to sleep early, consistently, for at least a year
22. learn how to get out of destructive relationships, carve myself into the right ones
23. return all phone calls
24. really love my body, even if i will never have a flat stomach
25. help save a chinese baby
26. travel to india
27. learn something concrete and experiential about zen buddhism
28. gain pregnancy weight and not have a mental breakdown about it
29. cross-country road trip
30. live with jake
31. regain/embrace independence once more before i get married
32. listen, focus, pay attention
33. see the indigo girls with my daughter

Also, if there was a "34" it would be: "Have a blog with awesome readers like y'all."
Seriously! Not JK at all. Hands down totes dream come true in life.


stef said...

okay so i didn't finish reading this yet but i'm gonna comment anyway cos i'm in a commenty kinda mood! it's gonna be long, because i actually have productive things i should be doing.

i think i need lozo to give me some suggestions for my blog... my blog is lacking in humor right now.
west hollywood is awesome; it is full of gays and russians and russian gays. maybe you can room with tatu!

monet argument: arguably the best moment on that show ever.
i do not want to go to israel ever ever ever ever ever. i have friends who LIVE there and say it's fine and i do not believe them. i have the kinda face that will end up in the jewish news: LOCAL GIRL ONLY CASUALTY IN BUS BOMBING.

i do web and graphic design and i'm actually usually pretty quick. i might be able to figure that stuff out, at least some of it. let me know what you need and i'll let you know if it's something i can do. i don't really want hits or any of that other stuff though.

i also lost a lot of weight post-breakup and feel like i gained like fifty times that back even though i am still down five or six pounds from what used to be the normal me. every time i see relatives they're like ZOMG YOU LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT and like every other girl ever i take it to mean "YOU WERE SO TOTALLY FAT BEFORE!" OH, my post-breakup diet was mostly whiskey and lime. mcdonalds isn't vegan.

don't read the fountainhead. it's just like atlas shrugged and atlas shrugged is way better. really. ayn rand really liked tough, rebellious, grey-eyed heroines who got roughed up in the sack by tall, angular redheads with sexy, sexy PRINCIPLES. we the living - that one is good too.


Crystal said...

If you come to Australia then you can have my job, I've been waiting to palm it off to someone for a while now.

I've been wanting to do a cross-USA road trip since I was a kid. This's a bit random, but every day I would practice left-side/stick driving in a ute, doing circles in the carpark of this Walmart in Sarasota, Florida. Who knows what I was doing in Florida with a Ute, but I was. This was my preparation for the big trip. Eventually I wore out the clutch and gave up.

The closest I've come to living out this dream was driving from manhattan to jersey. That was an accomplishment, for me.

Rhee said...

jackie warner....mmm. Love the rambling blog, seriously I get so caught up in this its intense and not , all at the same time!

Oo Lynnie oO said...

so i was in b&n today and saw "the bigger the better the tighter the sweater" and thought of you (for obvious reaons) yay!

you should def. go to italy and frolic, ive always wanted to do that (but in the english countryside) italy is good tho, i got my palms read down the shore and the lady told me i was going to go to venice! sa-weet.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

ps; i think im going to actually start writing in my blog, i mean..i did like twice...but yea. nobody i know in "real life" is going to read you can read it! if you want, and if you have nothing better to do. cause it'll probably suck, ha.

laurrrrita said...

isn't it 'fun' to find things you wrote a while ago? when i was a freshman in high school, my health teacher made us write out 100 goals and we got them back when we graduated. this ended up being hilarious, especially since my #78 is 'be abstinent until i'm married,' because at that point, i still believed that people did not have sex until they were married. this is because i went to a catholic, all girls school. also, i didn't know i was gay yet, and clearly all girly sex is premarital sex here in the usa.

Mercury said...

I love how it says "choose an identity". I wish life was that easy. wish when I woke up in the morning, I could log on as someone else, and live someone else's day. I wish I could change the data in some feilds and actually change MYSELF, actually affect REALITY. I wish being someone else was as easy as a new screen name, a new display pic.

That was random.

I like your list. You should do them. You will.

Maybe I'll jack that blog idea. hmmm.

word veri is bqdue. BQ due. I wonder what the BQ is. I wonder how much trouble I'll be in when I don't submit it in time. I wonder WHEN it's due, what completing it consists of, if there's anyone I can plead to that I didn't understand what was asked of me...

riese said...


I love that you say it's gonna be long because you have productive things you should be doing. That is hands down totes THE SPIRIT! I'm sure Lozo would be happy to give you some suggestions. Probably one of them is "Places you'd like to bang guys."

I know, I always feel like that'll be me in those Israel stories which you mention. I also have friends who live there who act like there's nothing wrong and I'm being ridic. I don't know who to believe!

That's cool, I won't give you any hits or any of my stuff or let you sleep with any of my friends, you can just help me yay! OK, um, email me

I once had a post-breakup diet that was mostly vodka.

Mary Gaitskill's book "Two Girls Fat and Thin" (MG is my fave author) was basically about the whole Ann Raynd thing, but she obvs called it something else. That was a good book.

i think my fingers get tired at the end of the day.

These people sound like people I would like to make out with: "liked tough, rebellious, grey-eyed heroines who got roughed up in the sack by tall, angular redheads with sexy, sexy PRINCIPLES. we the living - that one is good too."



Dude, I am getting a Visa and I will be there in [x] days. Oh fuck. I lost my passport on the cruise. I should get on that or whatever.

What were you doing in Sarasota with a Ute? I can't drive stick for shit. I think the farthest I've driven is wisconsin to new york. though i've traveled by land from medford, oregon to chicago, illinois. just not driving myself. just uh, avoiding al queda on ground transport, per ushe.



"its intense and not, all at the same time" = perfect! ha.



You need to work on your blog selling skills. Don't say "It'll probably suck." Say "There are naked girls making out on my blog, like Jackie Warner." Every time I've had my palms read they've been super vague and not helped me at all whatsoever, as I'm still roaming randomly, not in ITaly. hm.



It is 'fun.' What I like the most really though are the few things that do ring true .. like I am proud of myself in retrospect. I also note my fixations on things like becoming zen. Ha.

I'm not sure what All-Girls Catholic School has to do with not having sex. That sounds like a great place for sex. Oh, i see. Yes, I suppose it is premaritial, but it's super-sinny. Right? I dunno. Actually no there's nothing against lezzies in the bibile, just gay guys, right?

I think the spirit of Lozo is with me in this post as I write and comment. What am I talking about schoolgirls? Hm, Britney Spears had a great song about thisssss.



I love that language too. They're like "do you want to comment as RIESE or pick another identity?" like, yeah, exactly, I'm still deciding who I want to be today.

A BQ is a Big Question I think. Or It's also a kind of burger at Burger King I I think, the BQ deluxe or something. It's due ASAP.

I'll do them all I think. Actually. BUt I don't know about yoga or drawing. I get close to 32. Glimmers of it shimmer at me and offer up. I slow down sometimes, more than before. Listen.

Crystal said...

Being in Sarasota with a Ute - I can't explain it, these things just happen to me. Like being in Orlando with a golfing team. I don't play golf, but I believe there was a lot of Ken Done involved. Hot.

I know this isn't much of a story, but the Word Verification is slttyfem and this was too good to pass up. It's just like Gmail AdSense.

lawlaws said...

I came out of my last relationship last November, looked in the mirror and realised I was a fat ugly blob. So I lost 4.5 stone.

Now I look fabulous (I know I'm not suppose to say that about myself, but I don't have a girlfriend and sometimes i need to hear nice things said about me).

Three days ago, I decided I wasn't going to get a six-pack by doing nothing. So I've started running. I pretty much haven't done any exercise in three years. Now I'm in pain, but at least my house mate likes giving massages, whoop whoop!

My parents just bought a farmhouse in Italy, and they are going to have a mini vineyard, so if you ever feel the need to fulfill number 1 on your list, I'm sure I can sort out free accommodation in one of the studio apartments.

Right, got to start doing work. I'm seeing Tegan and Sara tonight and my boss is letting me go early, so I should get on with it.

.elida. said...

I laughed so hard when I read your number one thing to do before you die circa 2002. It had a little to do with the fact that I was obsessed with that movie for a while too, but because of Rachel Weisz and not Liv Tyler. Nothing against Liv Tyler, but I have a sudo obsession with Rachel Weisz. And then…I got to number 33 on your list. Thank you so much for not deleting it. The Indigo Girls with your daughter: priceless. Seriously, I threw my head back and everything. So, so very hysterical. Well done.

kate said...

one of my friends went on a school holiday camp to israel to practice her hebrew - she got caught 'fraternising' with several israeli soldiers in the ocean. this upset some of the local kids so she got sent home.

also, i'm not creative at all so i can't make you an amazing looking webpage or banner but i can do html pretty well, so if you need help keeping all your widgets and stuff after you get an amazing design i can probably can help with that.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

I would totally offer Web help, but Natalie's in Cleveland and I'm overextended at the moment, sooo ... yeah.

Being literary is hard! So many friggin books. I'm completely all over the place. Last three books read: Lolita, Threshold (by Caitlin R. Kiernan, who I'm demanding you read; start with "Silk") and The Big Bam (Babe Ruth biography, because I work at the Hall of Fame, and feel obligated. Or something like that.)

Oh PS check if you're still Birthright eligible. Free trips are great, and I can vouch for those being awesome.

ABeos said...

so if you're super super rich you could probably pay for jackie's to come to you instead of you going to her. although, jackie's never in my bed when i want her to be either, so maybe this wouldn't work.

re: #6, we should talk. here's my folio (i'm pretending i'm as cool as shakespeare right now, only with html instead of actual english) and let me know what you think.

my post break-up diet consisted mostly of gin. lots and lots of gin with tonic and fake lime - because i was obvi too depressed to cut and squeeze the actual real life fruit myself. it was straight out of the 20s, only without flappers, which is sad because that would have been hot.

also, you should really read written on the body. it's sort of awesome. although not so much when you're on your way out of a relationship and you can identify more with jacqueline than the protagonist. dammit.

haviland said...

aww, indigo girls with little rieselette!

i love that you wanted to live with EVERYONE in 2002. My list from that time would have involved living alone in a massive central park south apartment. ha.

oh, wait... haha.

i love it when you do these reminds me of the emails you and i send back and forth, to and fro.

p.s...your i-pod is next to my bed, woman.

jersey said...

I love that you want to go to Israel, but are scared to fly. Like, I think flying to Israel would be way scarier than flying to Orlando, just saying, for someone who's scared of flying, Israel is a serious trip...

I wish I could help with the website, but I can barely comment here without it telling me I typed the word verification thing wrong

Also do you really think Ellen and Portia are happy? I think Portia might wake up one morning and be like wtf have I been doing, I am dating a 50 year old.. but they are cute together, and I am cynical, so I hope they really are happy...

My favorite thing about your list from 2002 is the order. 23-25 is amazing, return my phone calls, love my body, save a chinese baby.. amazing

Jaime said...

I just got to work from an ass-early drive back from Massachusetts, so all I have is an actual concrete link, re: the six-pack thing - here.

And yes, I am aware of how silly it is for me to be giving out workout advice, as I am, shall we say, not Jackie Warner, or even within miles, but that website up there is good smart advice, and especially with you already being thin, you can totes make it happen.

Lozo said...

this was scarier than i imagined. everytime i saw my name coming in a future sentence i cringed. first off, i need to defend myself re: banging guys.

this was how the conversation went.

riese: "lozo, you are so awesome and funny and i wish you were a girl. please give me top 10 suggestions, for yours will be awesome and super, but please, nothing about banging guys."

me: "riese, i know i am awesome and funny, but i am also very giving, so i shall help you."

which is where the "banging guys" suggestion comes from. it wasn't out of the blue or anything. but yeah, i probably would've suggested it anyway.

i laughed really hard at your "in life" joke. you slipped it in really nicely. i probably would have done the same thing to me.

i also laughed really hard that you, on your lesbian-wing blog, offered a date with me as a prize. that's barely a prize in hetero world. i don't think your readership would like drinking beer in a Hooters as a first date.

oh, about us having a beer -- you called beer "long-lasting" a while ago, and i meant to say you need some beer tips so you can talk about it like a cool person. no one has ever said, "mmmmm, this beer sure is long-lasting."

but this post was really funny, "in life" jokes aside. i lol'd at the time management train of thought. Work Out would probably be the only show we could ever watch together because Jackie IS hot. oh, and i had no clue michael bluth's sister was gay.

the only bone to pick i have is with the asian baby. why are you so pro-asian? what about african babies? why not save them? are you racist? oh my god! you are!

caitlinmae said...

I always read the sunday top ten or tuesday top eight drunk at four o clock in the morning on a school night, and then think it best not to comment.

It's weird to think of you and Lozo and Carly and Haviland as like real, non-simulated people going to work and getting iced coffee and getting sprayed by dirty taxi water or doing laundry. But I know that all of these things are true (except maybe the laundry part, I'm sure you have interns to do that for you.) because if they weren't, you wouldn't have anything to contrast your fabulous insights against? Or maybe you exist solely for my internet entertainment. I am Jack's solipcistic tendencies.

10. Van gogh would probably mind less than I did when I found out Jenny's book was called "Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster." As a philosonerd/Nietzsche aficionado, a part of me wanted to van gouge my eyes out (HA! I am one with the puns today!)

5. Six packs are delicious. I used to watch marathons of Workout during the one week my apartment had Bravo last summer every night. Because I am in love with that woman, and her six pack. She's like a butch, scary Scarlett Johansson. Just don't go crazy with the muscles- There's a health food/supplement store on the main drag by school and they have all these posters of Poughkeepsie Champion Body Builders- they all look like rotisserie chickens in American Apparel thongs. totes not sexy.

Sidenote- did you see that Posh is trying to make "major" the new "that's hot?" as in- that's major? Meh. I'm not feeling it as much as, for like ten minutes in 2001, I wanted people to sincerely say "that's fetch" or "that's rufus."

4. did you get goodreads? seriously! It might not get you to actually READ all those books, but you can have a really impressive "to-read" section.

I like your 2002 list. Because it seems like things there can be checked off.
Alright- I have delayed my "not packing up my apartment and moving back to nj for 3 days before i move back to poughkeepsie" enough with one comment. Time to go to the bodega, get like sixteen diet cokes, and commence.

See how much more coherent this was than if I had written it last night when it would have just been-- OMGZZZ RIESE YOUR (I know my correct your/you're, but apparently not whilst drunk) brillllllllll hahaa i liek lurve this list ok yr totes portia and ellen SIXPACK! kthxbai

Rebecca said...

I read your blog and I read Lozo's blog. I read them both before you started commenting on each other's blogs or talking about each other on your respective blogs. I sorta feel like I'm at a wedding and a cousin on my mom's side and a cousin on my dad's side have started hanging out and decided they like each other better than they like me. Worlds collide.

m said...

Wait a minute. I thought that all Jews got to go to Israel for free. Have my friends just been fucking with me this whole time? I’ve been jealous for years since the only place that I get to go for free is hell.

They also said that the ground in Israel is made of kugel. That’s still true, right?

MoonKiller said...

I read through this quickly before my battery went so I have to be quick...

Personally I don't think 6 packs are a good look on a girl I like toned-ness but like female bodybuilders freak me out.

I'v had the new Harry Potter book sitting on my desk for two weeks but don't feel the urge to read it. I hate it when I buy a book but can't be bothered to read it when I know should.

I've accomplished numero 5 on your 2002 list to the max. I rule at making mix tapes. And they're actual tapes. I make them for my sister all the time and I bought my exboyfriend a tape walkman and made him mixtapes like every other day.

Adam said...

So...ah...what does it say about me that there's significantly more overlap between my list and the 2002 list than with the current one...

and I'm talking percentages here, the 2002 list isn't just shotgunning it.

Also... #33 makes me happy in the same way that the last scene of I am Sam makes me happy...I have officially added it to my own list.

riese said...

None of my response comments make sense. I feel like there's something on my keyboard.



It is like Gmail AdSense. Which for some reason today thinks that the readers of this blog would like to date married people. Though slutty femmes are much more fun. Orlando with a golfing team is seriously intense. Were they also an emo rock band?



I don't know how much 4.5 stone is. Is that a lot? Everyone in the US wants to lose ten pounds I feel. Like, just cause.

You are supposed to say you look fabulous! And you do!

See, the problem is: i already do work out, and I don't have a six pack. I mean, I've been working out for years. My brother and I used to do Abs of Steel together. So I figured: start working out, get six pack. Hm. That was eight years ago.

I will be at your parent's vineyard in about a year, book me. Also, jealous, re: Tegan & Sara.



Rachel Weisz is some kind of something. Ha! I'm glad I left it too. The funny thing is I kinda still want to do it!



That sounds like the kind of thing that would happen to me ... re: the ocean, kicked out of holy land, eetc. I think I've got stef all over my web-case, but Ill let you know if she fucks up.


brooklyn boy:

I heart Lolita. And yeah, actually, I was supposed to go on the Birthright trip that year, but I backed out because I was scared, because I am weird. It is hard out here for a literary hoo-ha.



Your stuff is awesome (and I love the name!)! When Stef gets tired of my demands or sees this and thinks "I'd like to redact my offer and pass it off," I'll hit you up fo'sho. That might be less time than one might imagine. Thank you! Amazing.

I can't handle gin, I wish I could because it seems hardcore, and because of VICTORY GIN in 1984. Maybe I should wait til my wounds have healed (probs not til like, 2014), and then I will pick up Written on the Body? I

Isn't it funny how people always cite alcohol as a cause of weight gain, but when you're depressed and drinking all the time, you just loose weight? You know?



OMG I am totes naming my kid "rieselette."

I think I thought living with people was the only way I'd ever see them regularly ... I was not far off. But hadn't yet learned the hard way that it can be a strain.


Forth, to, fro.

p.s. IKNOW DAKSDJASKFHGJH I put like, five songs on my dash. There's no way I coulda gone w/o music altogether.



Oh yeah, flying to Israel is a key part of my fear. Ellen is totes hot! I'd marry her in a second. Or Portia. They always seem to be laughing? I like funny people. I can't believe I said save a Chinese baby. I can hear my ex in my head calling me a first worldian douchebag for putting it that way. but yeah, the juxtoposition made me laugh at my silly young self. I wish all those things could be combined into one.


OMG I just accidentally ate some wasabi for the first time in my life. Have to go kill myself. Seriously the things that are happening in my ears and face right now are remarkable. OK, better now.



Oh man! That is a lot of stuff. I think I've been doing the same ab exercises for years. My body doesn't want to build muscle. I have to be like "BODY!!" and it doesn't even work.


Lozo, Lozo, Lozo:

You'd imagined it? Like, in life?

I try to only do things to you that I think you would do to you.

I don't know if it could be considered out of the blue, in any event.

Haha, MY beers are long lasting because I don't like to drink beer so I let it hang out for a while. Also, I'm LOLing so much about the idea of someone saying: ""mmmmm, this beer sure is long-lasting" that I can't type.

You didn't know Michael Bluth's sister is gay? That's all I can think about when I watch the funny attempts-at-sex scenes w/her gay husband.

Or, that's all I can think about. Period. Hm.



You SHOULD comment drunk, I love drunk commenters. Stef and Moonkiller really take the cake, but the crown is never fixed.

This paragraph made my day:
It's weird to think of you and Lozo and Carly and Haviland as like real, non-simulated people going to work and getting iced coffee and getting sprayed by dirty taxi water or doing laundry. But I know that all of these things are true (except maybe the laundry part, I'm sure you have interns to do that for you.) because if they weren't, you wouldn't have anything to contrast your fabulous insights against? Or maybe you exist solely for my internet entertainment. I am Jack's solipcistic tendencies.

I think "stop trying to make fetch happen" is one of the most brill lines to ever come out of a film, however.

Yeah I took serious issue with that Nieztsche thing too, see : the paragraph under the sesame street picture.

I did go on goodreads but it took me like, ten years to load everything, and then I think my girlfriend came home and yelled at me about Jesus and it all just seemed very overwhelming. It annoyed me that I couldn't load more things at one time, you know? Someone needs to fix their website, dammit!



I could not have said it better myself. I've felt similarly about other bloggers when I've seen them connect. It is so weird/awesome.



Ha, I LOLed at "the only place I get to go for free is hell." We can go for free, that's true.

Also, have some more kugel.



Yeah, female bodybuilders are weirdos, I saw this weirdo documentary about them. But Jackie Warner looks good. I would have a subtle six pack, you know?

In all honestly, I guess I've never seen a real hot six pack on a real live girl. I must have. Hm. OH! Yeah. Yeah, I have. She pulled it off well. I just want a subtle six pack like that.

The fact that you still make mix tapes gives me all kinds of hopes for the future.



It means that at heart, you are still um, 20. Which is not a bad age, really. I mean, especially percentage wise.

And: awwww.

Diana said...

I ordered coffee this morning, skim milk, NO sugar, as per always. Got to my desk, sat down, took a sip...and for fuck's sake, it had sugar in it. WHY WHY?!

Re: #4
Are you a member of the NY Public Library? It's totes awesome. It's all automated on the web-you can keep lists of all the books you want to read and request stuff and then they conveniently send the book to a branch near you! And it's FREE! (Aside from late charges.) It's really quite brilliant. Perhaps this is common knowledge but none of the NYers I know take advantage of it. Maybe you already do, in which case, rock on. If not, you should check it out. (Ha!)

Anonymous said...

Im not smart enough to write something halfway intelligent...

But how bout we just make out and see what happens?

P.S. Jackie never eats sugar!!! Do you want a splenda filled existence???

MoonKiller said...

Subtlety is good. Is that even a word? And if it is how would one spell it?

Obviously I make a CD first and then put it onto tape but the listening through it when you're making it is still there. I have to make you one with all the songs you use in your titles. (y)

The Spaz said...

Funny story, I was being bored out of my mind in a seminar at work today about some bullshit like treating your employees well.

Naturally I sat at the back of the class so I could discretely fool around on my phone and drink an ice cap in peace.

So I'm checking what came out on my feeds and started reading your entry. I laughed at the part where you pimped out all your friends to get your website fixed.

Only this was while I was swallowing, so I started choking and everybody looked at me like I was some sort of 'tard. Good times.

k-time said...

Aw. Rex Manning Day. You've so reminded me that it's been way too long since I last saw Empire Records. Which reminds me that I have that movie on tape and am not in possesion of a vcr.. Whoa, who owns tapes anymore?

You could def have my job if you come to Oz. You'd have to be in the Navy though... but it'd be gravy, you could just work on your six-pack!

That's pretty sweet how you knew what you wanted, enough to make a list. I'd never think of anything like that. Mostly because of my lack of knowing what I want. Hmm I have no idea if any of this makes sense, but I'm way too buggered to change it. Good luck with achieving the things you want!

lawlaws said...

According to a web weight converter i lost 63 lbs!!!! fuck, that is a lot when you put it like that. Can that be right? Of course it is. The internet never lies.

Also, Tegan & Sara were AWESOME last night. Can't wait to see them again on Friday. I bet you are so jealous, you can't even work!

rocketdyke said...

wow, 63 pounds.
lawlaws, you look totally fabulous.

lawlaws said...

Rocketdyke how do you know what I look like!

Are you the person I think is living in my roof space? I can hear you walking around at night.

Annie said...

I love goal #32. They're kind of all the same thing, so it's like you're telling yourself to do all three WHILE you're typing them.

Can't believe you just name-checked VICTORY GIN from 1984

Big fan of "Rieselette." A cross between a chocolate-covered caramel nugget candy and a wristlet? Oh, and a child.

Abby said...

Wow commenting is out of control at the moment, can't keep up. You could like start a cult or something now you have so many fans Riese.
Lists are great, I am relying on them a lot lately to keep me motivated and positive about all the great things to come. When things are all up in the air having sincere goals helps me get through the day.
Moonkiller! I am a far cry from the hard core Harry fan but I just read it and it was perfect, it took me away from everything else. I cried several times during it, near the end I was sobbing, big fat tears that sprang from my eyes. My gf put her arms around me it was that bad. But wow closure is a grand thing and JK really is clever.

ANI said...

re: mix tapes - this is someone's version of mix tapes for the MP3 crowd -

re: what Diana said about the NY Public Library - I use the same service in Boston, and it totes rocks - it's Netflix for books, and it's FREE!!! except that I now owe them $3 because I forget to renew things...

re: lists of things to do before I die - i am just going to shamelessly appropriate every idea you blog about for mine own, ok?

re: travel - I desperately want to go to Japan and Cuba, both things outside my ability for a while - although as a Russian citizen, I can actually travel to Cuba without getting in trouble with the US government, but I am not going to test these rights of mine for a while.

re: Jackie Warner...yum...Sunny California and girls with 6-pack abs...yum

riese said...


If I got a dollar for every time that happened to me, I would be probably ... wearing cuter clothes right now. I AM a member of the NY public library and that system sounds absolutely positively SMASHINGly fabulous.



If I had a dollar for every time I went with "lets just make out and see what happens," I'd .... have a few bucks. Rock!

I never eat Splenda, so I'd probs die. I don't eat any artificial sugar. Just real stuff.



I think I asked myself that same question not too long ago, about how to spell that word. I asked Carly "When do you think someone'll point out the T+S (and now Stars too sometimes) lyrics being used in every title"? And the answer is I now see TODAY.



That is not just good times. That is good/AWESOME times. So far, no one's complained.



There is totes a VCR on my TV. Videos are so funny. Something about them still feels very organic and special to me.

There was actually a time, when I was clearly insane, when I wanted to join the Army Reserves to get in really good shape. I was like, it'd be like permanent workout class. Good thing i didn't join, 'cause Bush got "elected" about 6 months later, so I woulda been totes fucked.

And it does make sense.



THAT IS A LOT! seriously. That's like, half of me. Wow! That musta been some breakup. I mean, I'm talking 5-10 pounds from the Depression Diet max, and clearly it was all water weight. I think.

I am SO JEALOUS of your Tegan & Sara concertgoing that I can't even work, there i am in the morning I don't like what i see....






Oh, roofspace ...


I LOLed at "Oh, and a child." I wish children not only were humans, but also chocolate covered caramels. That would make them much easier to deal with I think in general.



I just opened my writing book on the train to write stuff and saw it was pages and pages of [uncompleted] to-do lists. It makes me want to bash someone over the head, but here I am, not bashing anyone over any heads.

Do you think the author of Harry Potter knows her parents named her "just Kidding"?



It could be worse, you coulda checked out a buncha books as a favor for your [now ex] girlfriend who couldn't get there and then had to pay the library $30 for the overdue fines 'cause you had to also return them yourself ... [yay passive agressive semi drunk at 1:30 AM riese!]

But anyhow, the first time I went to the NY library since moving here I was like OMG I FORGOT ABOUT THE LIBRARY. But then I forgot about how I usually return things late and end up owing huge finds or things like [see above] happen. But anyhow, I was like a kid in a candy store, like omg, I forgot you can still get things for free! Wheeeee!! I wanted to check out 10 million books, so obvs I did. Then I think I lost one. It was bad.

Shamelessly appropriate away. Besides, it was Lozo's idea, not mine?

And totes yum re: sunny ca girls w/6-pack abs. Yayyyy Workout!

Lozo said...

that JK joke made me laugh for like a minute. probably 45 seconds total. 30 seconds of laughing, then i stopped for 15 seconds, and then i thought about it some more and laughed some more. i wish i thought of it.

and i just want to say i can't believe i was either well-received or not mentioned in the comments. so happy about that. stef, i will be your new blog assignment editor if you want.

k-time said...

Tapes rock. When I was younger I used to pull them apart and play with them, then set them on fire... Such good times.

And you're right that is a tad insane. You're pretty damn lucky, woman. I mean I haven't been to war or anything (..yet), but I know shitloads who have. Not cool...

AK said...

I stopped writing lists of goals when I was 29 because I was really busy trying to accomplish some of them and it was becoming clear that I just didn't have the ambitious type A personality that would render me a success in those terms. Given time I did eventually accomplish some of those goals (and some of yours) so will take this opportunity to reflect on them (this being one of the advantages of being so old—my Goddess Ellen is 50?).

1) I have more or less mastered time management which is why I am always late commenting on your blog if I do at all because just thinking of commenting in such a demanding context as your complex narrations present takes up brain space.

2) I'm checking in the mirror to see if I can make six pack abs and find myself asking why is it called a six pack when it used to be called a washboard? Anyway if you'd like to pummel it with your fists it would feel like a nice massage. I can't say enough for fitness later in life. We could party all we wanted when young and not even have a hangover; it's not till later that whatever you did with your body starts to have serious chronic consequences.

3) I wrote a book, but it took me 10 years and then another 10 to rewrite it and get a publisher interested in it. (During which time I accepted a number of rejection letters with grace.) And now that I might actually be strutting said book out in public I'm filled with anxiety whereas before I dreamed of being on Oprah and what all.

4) I did learn to meditate only to realize that most of the conversations going on in my head were about justifying my Buddhist informed zenlike upbringing to an imaginary Western shrink (acually my mother whose a therapist).

5) I will fortunately not have to make enough money to put my mother in a nice retirement home because she herself put enough money aside for that purpose and is enjoying an incredibly nice retirement as a watercolor artist in her lovely paid off house. I can count this as a personal accomplishment because I didn't get into any trouble that would have caused either of my parents financial stress.

6) I have read about 72 books over the past two years and they have made me a whole lot smarter, but I gotta tell ya, to do that you have to read non-fiction.

7) I am involved in a healthy relationship (13 years), but it took a lot of work and some time spent in couple's counseling which is to say that I would always pick those challenging ambitious sorts and then have to figure out how to live with her. What really helped though, was that my partner took up meditation and became a serious Buddhist thus taking the focus off my flaws.

8) I saved a Chinese baby by not having one. Seriously though I am glad I didn't have a child (though I have learned to use that look, that you described with your dog, on other people's children). Children change everything by taking over your life and making you an old person way before your time.

9) I have remarkable freedom while still making enough money to travel, donate etc. largely because of #8.

10) Never wanted to climb Mount Kilmanjaro but have spent several vacation times at a zen monastery where I learned something concrete and experientlial about zen buddhism.

haviland said...


riese said...


I know, right? The tides are a-turnin' here for you on Auto-Win. We've come a long way, baby. That JK thing was a good joke, huh? I should have saved that for an actual blog post. About um, hm. NM.



I love the rampant pyromania of my readers, it's awesome. Yeah, I don't think i would do well in war. I'd probably die of an anxiety attack.



Hey! I saw you in a book! (I think!) At the used bookstore! I picked up this book and i was like, looking through the table of contents, like why does this name look soooooo familiar in a way that is different than the feeling of just seeing the name of a writer I've seen before? and then I realised it was you. Do you know what book I'm talking about? I don't anymore. If I'm wrong, I'll feel like a moron, but I feel like a moron a lot, so that's totes okay.

I suspect that commenting on blogs is a big problem with my time management concepts. That's why i think I need an office job where I don't have to do anything but I get paid to sit at a computer and jerk around ... as opposed to now, where I sit at a computer for free.

Anyhow it is worth the wait for your detailed comments, obvs!

You do have a six pack ! I remember the photos on your blog! and you're a real person. Hm. I need to figure this out. On an unrelated note I have not been to the gym today. But I go like, 4-5 times a week! And still! No abs!

I think the key to everything is clearly Zen Buddhism. I will expound upon this in my next post, as well as other items mentioned in my little life list.

You have read a lot of important books about important things. I like non-fiction a lot, I'm actually making a concerted effort to read more fiction. Some of those are on my list, actually ... hmmm .... I actually picked up Tales of the Lavender Menace last year at a used bookstore but haven't gotten around to reading it yet because I'm retarded/busy/anxietyattackready.

You should join goodreads!



The amazing Stef! Blogger is her bitch, we've just learned.

M said...

That new banner is dope. Not too headache-inducing, not too elitist-hipster.

Props Stef.

Adam said...

also on team "banner is full of win"

I'm a huge fan of anything that looks organic...most banners (like mine >.< ) just come off as pasted over top of the rest of the page.

stef said...

i just want to throw in that i think it's amazing that i asked you NOT to give me a link AND when linking me you linked my blog incorrectly, without the hyphen between big and exit. i'm not actually picking on you, i just think it's really funny.
and i am stoked people like the banner. TAKE THAT BLOGGER.

riese said...

Maybe I did it on purpose?

(totally thought "I should double check this," then, "eh, she didn't want me to link her anyhow.")

AK said...

You saw me in a book? That is so cool. I have been published in five books mostly in the mid '90s. The book you picked up may have been Dyke Life for which I wrote Confessions of a Lesbian Vampire plus another article. The Dyke Life anthology had the most exposure. Karla Jones who edited it wrote The Lavender Menace and she's a good writer so worth reading since she was one of the important feminist leaders of the LGBT movement and she gives you all the dish and details.

Yeah, I remember you are a gym rat so need to worry unless you want to get into body sculpting which may be just another fashion trend. My body was sculpted by the horse stance and lots of crunchies that they make us do in karate class.

I highly recommend an office job for the opportunities it offers for time stealing. The last time I had one was before the internet so they fired me for reading magazines on the sly, but I suspect it was really because I wore a red dildo to accessorize a devil costume I wore at the Halloween staff party. Totes worth it for the looks of astonishment followed by spontaneous laughter. I was really tired of that job anyway.

Sorry to get on your case about reading non-iction. It was The Fountainhead that got me all fired up. I cannot abide Ann Rand or rather the crede of individualism that she espouses, while at the same time I totally enjoyed her books. Ah, the conflicts of art and life.