"My blog annoys me," Lozo laments, following his blog about the site "I Can Has Cheezeburger," a site which features captioned photos of animals that allegedly delight millions of daily visitors. He continues: "I was hoping to get home and read some dissenting opinions, but it's all 'Lozo, you're right, that site totally sucks.' No one likes that site?"
I'm not like that, obviously. I'm a woman, I need affirmation. Love me with your warm hugs, bring me steamy hot beverages to warm the deep dark endless winter nights, tell me I'm pretty, stroke my hair, write me a poem, draw me a picture, love me, love me, love me. Memememememeeme. No actually, I just mostly don't like putting negative energy out into the world if I don't have to. The thing is; I kinda have to. Like, a lot. Because the world is 95% retarded and it keeps pissing me off and sometimes my stuffed dog gets tired of listening to me.
Lozo: I want a good debate and people kiss my butt.
Me: I remember one particular debate you just totally shyed out of. Anyhow, they just agree with you, that's all. Most people read blogs they agree with.
Lozo: I guess.
Me: Maybe I should write my Sunday Top 10 of things I could say to piss people off and start fights. Hmmm, maybe you've inspired me.
Lozo: "Top 10 Reasons That The Holocaust Was A Lie,"
Me: No! The catch is; they'd have to be true. Things I really do believe. I guess most of my opinions are right in line with my audience, I don't know how to piss off my readers.
Lozo: Hmmmm "Top 10 Reasons Vagina Is Better Than Penis."
Me: Probs "Top 10 Reasons Penis is Better than Vagina" would work better.
Lozo: Then do the opposite, yeah.
Lozo: We're RIGHT HERE.
Lozo: I'm pointing at my head and pointing to the chat box.
Me: Why do you want to piss people off though?
Lozo: I don't WANT to. Like, if i say, "The Yankees suck and A-Rod is gay," I don't expect dissent because I've been saying it forever. But this thing today is out of the blue and super popular, so I expected more negative opinions. Maybe I'll start doing that, though. "Why My Commenters Are Fucking Idiots."
I think that it's possible people don't argue with me because:
i. You want to be gentle to me in the aftermath of this summer's multifaceted autowin-attack.
ii. You agree with me most of the time.
iii. You don't actually read my blog, you just scan for your name. Lozo.
iv. I provide so much room for dissenting opinions (e.g., "I hate ____, but I understand that other people like ____, which is fine.") that it's hard to argue with me.
v. You're scared of my little baby wrath. Understandable. It's fierce, like I could basically be America's Next Top Model if I had a jawline.
vi. You also don't want to send negative vibes into the world.
vii. You couldn't care less.
viii. I don't know how to use roman numerals.
viiiiii. You didn't come here to fight. Just as, unlike Lozo and his raging testosterone, I also did not come here to fight.
And it's not that I carry a great deal of neutral opinions, but the basic tenements of my belief system are pretty much in line with my peer group. Like, I doubt anyone who's reading this is gonna bust out with: "Gay marriage is WRONG, Riese, obvs, didn't you read The Bible?" [sidenote: YES. I DID.] or "The L Word is the best show EVER" or "I love the war in Iraq, I wanna go there right now," or, "Jell-O is sticky and might cause yeast infections."
10. It's Bad, Actually.
I think Love Actually is the worst movie I've seen in my entire life. That's right, it's worse than From Justin to Kelly or Home Alone 2. I couldn't even sit through Meet the Parents. I hated There's Something About Mary and didn't laugh. I almost universally dislike any Adam Sandler, Rob Schnieder, Ben Stiller or Will Ferrell vehicles (except Old School, which is awesome). Also hated: all the Austin Powers movies, Sideways, Braveheart, Go Fish, Patch Adams, Kill Bill, Dogma, and probs like, most movies that exist. Also : I love. La-la-la-love. Jim Carrey. I think he's brilliant.
9. There is Nothing You Could Ever Say About Cats that Would Interest Me Even Remotely, Even "My Cat Just Died."
I've discussed my feelings about cats before, in "The Gayest Shit Ever": "I'm allergic to cats, and also cat-loving is just not in my disposition. I can't be all ooh-ahh about this little furball lazy thing that pees in a box of smelly gravel stuff. I've liked some kittens though. They're cute and sort of innocent, and haven't yet grown up to be lazy fat hairy dumb fucks like their parents. I don't like when cats jump on me, and I don't like it when a person has a cat-haired apartment." Cat hair is like Herpes, once it touches you, you're doomed for life. I just really couldn't care less about your cat, even if it dies, I still don't care. It was a cat, right? Cats die, you knew that when you got it, right? Because like, humans live longer than cats? I recognize objectively that the death of a cat is a very traumatic experience and it makes you very sad, but don't go to me for comfort. It is literally the one and only thing I refuse to comfort anyone on. The One Thing. I "get it" with dogs, though. Dogs have a lot in common with people. Cats represent everything I loathe about humans: they are needy, they paw, they are everywhere.
Cats that I like: fourfour's cat Winston, Dana Fairbanks' cat Mr. Piddles, The Cat in the Hat, the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, Holly GoLightly's cat "Cat," Daniel Striped Tiger from 'Mr. Roger's Neighborhood,' and the cat Lindsay and I had, which I called 'Cat' and she called 'Moo.'
8. I think prostitution and all drugs should be legal and violent movies and video games should be illegal.
7. I Actually Don't Have Any Opinions
There's not much I'll absolutely stand behind, honestly. I respect almost anyone's version of reality, almost anyone's principles. I surround myself with people like Krista and Haviland who're all firm feelings, but I'm such a believer in -- if anything -- the power of subjective realities, so hyper-aware of the specific details and circumstances that prompt people to feel how they feel about anything. I want to change this; I hate being so objective, I hate my inability to judge anyone on my own and more than that I hate that I can be prompted to hate on someone by another person but not alone. I hate that there's so little I can't be convinced of. I understand why you might hate things I love, like Michael Cunningham or Ani DiFranco. I understand why you might love things I hate, like The Hills and The DaVinci Code. There's so little I won't coat in disclaimers, or give you room to disagree.
Some of the only things I'll endorse 100%/stand up for in any circumstance: gay rights, the importance of literature and theater, the loathsomeness of George W. and Ann Coulter and the Bush Administration, the importance of independent media, women's rights, sex workers' rights, misemployment of apostrophes in plurals, America's ridiculously corrupt education and health care system, the importance of being earnest.
6. I Have No Patience For People in the Service Industry Who Can't Speak English
If I moved to China and opened a laundromat there, I'd at LEAST learn some laundry vocabulary, if not the entire language. I'd learn colors, 'cause the "where is my laundry bag" game is farcical nonsense, seriously, you don't know the word for "green" and "big"? WTF?! If I travel to France and plan to EAT FOOD, I'll probs pick up a travel guide w/restaurant vocab. If I'm gonna travel to France and OPEN a restaurant, I'd probably LEARN FRENCH. English is a retarded language, fo' sure, but you probs shoulda thought of that before moving here and opening Happy No Pork Kitchen or whatevs.
5. Some books I've Not Enjoyed, even if I should or you did:
Empire Falls, The Crying of Lot 49, Gulliver's Travels, The Well of Loneliness, The Devil Wears Prada, White Noise, Less Than Zero, Pure, Harry Potter.
UPDATE: I've now located an essay, in this month's Esquire, from a writer that most people hate, but I don't, named Chuck Klosterman, and it summarizes how I feel about Harry Potter and I have transcribed the first two paragraphs for you below because I am kind, and procrastinating.
"Here is what I know about Harry Potter: nothing.*
I haven't read any of the books about him, nor have I seen any of the movies. I know the novels were written by a rich middle-aged British woman named J.K Rowling with semi-lush hair, but I have no idea what the letters J and K represent. I don't know the name of the actor who portrays Harry Potter, although I think he has eyeglasses. I don't know the names of any minor characters and I don't know the narrative arc of the plot. I don't know where the stories take place or if they are set in the past or the future. Somebody at a steakhouse recently told me that Harry Potter doesn't die at the conclusion of the seventh book (and that this detail was important), but I wasn't even aware he was sick. I assume there are dragons and griffins and werewolves and homosexual Frankensteins throughout these novels, but I honestly don't give a shit if my assumption is true or false. In fact, if somebody told me that the final Harry Potter novel was a coded interpretation of the Koran that instructed its readers how to read my thoughts, I could only respond by saying, "Well, maybe so." For whatever reason, this is one phenomenon that I have missed completely (and mostly, I suppose, on purpose).
Now, do not take this to mean that I dislike these books. I do not ... in fact, I suspect they're quite good. Moreover, I find it astounding that the unifying cultural currency for modern teenagers are five-hundred page literary works about a wizard. We are all collectively underestimating how unusual this is ... [but] I have no interest in any of it."
-from "Death by Harry Potter," by Chuck Klosterman, Esquire, November 2007
4. Some books I've loved, no matter what the people say:
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Everything is Illuminated, The Corrections, The Hours, The Year of Magical Thinking, Bright Lights Big City, Bridget Jones' Diary, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, On the Road, The Lovely Bones, The Ice Storm, The Virgin Suicides, Nobody Belongs Here More Than You
3. I Heart Affirmative Action
Howevs, the system is drastically imperfect at this point, but I love the idea and it's def better than not having it. It's unfair in some ways; like I had this ex-boyfriend -- he grew up super-poor, totes crackbaby, lived in the ghetto, his Mom had like 16 kids with different fathers, he's technically a ward of the state after his mega-old and alcoholic aunt and uncle took him in, he's had to work almost full-time since he was 14 ... these are the people that affirmative action is supposed to help. But because of the color of his skin -- nothin'.
But also, I feel like slavery really sucked. Like, that the white people brought all these Africans here to be slaves, and then freed them, like "good luck," or whatevs, and they had nothing. That was kind of a cracked out thing to do to all those people, like seriously, so like, some affirmative action seems almost necessary after all that.
People are like "Wouldn't it piss you off if you knew someone got your Columbia spot because that applicant -- your equal in all other evaluated areas -- came from a certain racial and economic background?" I can't wrap my head around this. No, that wouldn't piss me off at all, seriously. I'd be happy to know that This Mysterious Aspirant had overcome the odds against him or her and thus, they probs do deserve the spot more than I do, they probably did work harder than I did, relative to their options and surroundings. Totes. Congrats, rock on. Loved U of M, awesome.
2. Sarah Silverman: not funny.
1. The Matrix: not tremendously interested.
I don't think men should ever wear sandals, it's really super gross. I have not and will never read the book blink or The Kite Runner, I believe the dead exist among us and speak to us in dreams, I think if you're bored you must be boring, in Robin Hood, that people shouldn't be allowed to eat chicken wings or various fried seafoods or tuna fish in public especially if they own my laundromat or share my kitchen, that generosity makes the world go round, Kelly Clarkson isn't fat, people do need to leave Britney alone as your attention is part of her illness and she needs to get better and for some reason I actually care, that abortion should be legal but I'm not sure I could ever do it myself, that we rationalise everything, that our guts are the most brilliant of all organs, that you're too uptight and should laugh more, that I'm too sad and angry and I should laugh more, that we take everything too seriously, that forgiveness and humility and selflessness altogether compose perfect humans, that we are blessed to have Rosie O'Donnell in our world, that all people have a right to redemption, "I praise how the body heals itself/I praise how it never learns," that you can lie about a fact to get at an emotional truth, that Justin Timberlake is a douchebag probs, that we are all too judgmental, that people almost always chose what's easiest, that we tell ourselves stories in order to live, that you should always put others first, that we are all equally real, that esotericism is boring, that smoking can be sexy, that Gawker is truly evil, that sex is hilarious, that men make me feel like a woman, which I like, and women make me feel like a person, which I also like, but for different reasons. I believe I can fly. That's not true, actually. I totes cannot fly at all whatsoever and I know that, however, if you are a series of hurdles on a running track, I will kick your ass, leap over you, and take your names.