Sunday, October 28, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: I Just Want To Be Bad

Generally, I wouldn't endorse any rumbles that don't take place in large tubs of Jell-O. Also, I'm gonna start running a "top two comments of the week," there'll be medals and naked girls involved, and the final two comment-composers can duke it out in a vat of the flavor of their choice, except not cherry. Also, I have trouble with the weighted impact of the first paragraph now that I only partially syndicate my blog. Anyhow:

"My blog annoys me," Lozo laments, following his blog about the site "I Can Has Cheezeburger," a site which features captioned photos of animals that allegedly delight millions of daily visitors. He continues: "I was hoping to get home and read some dissenting opinions, but it's all 'Lozo, you're right, that site totally sucks.' No one likes that site?"

I'm not like that, obviously. I'm a woman, I need affirmation. Love me with your warm hugs, bring me steamy hot beverages to warm the deep dark endless winter nights, tell me I'm pretty, stroke my hair, write me a poem, draw me a picture, love me, love me, love me. Memememememeeme. No actually, I just mostly don't like putting negative energy out into the world if I don't have to. The thing is; I kinda have to. Like, a lot. Because the world is 95% retarded and it keeps pissing me off and sometimes my stuffed dog gets tired of listening to me.
Lozo: I want a good debate and people kiss my butt.
Me: I remember one particular debate you just totally shyed out of. Anyhow, they just agree with you, that's all. Most people read blogs they agree with.
Lozo: I guess.
Me: Maybe I should write my Sunday Top 10 of things I could say to piss people off and start fights. Hmmm, maybe you've inspired me.
Lozo: "Top 10 Reasons That The Holocaust Was A Lie,"
Me: No! The catch is; they'd have to be true. Things I really do believe. I guess most of my opinions are right in line with my audience, I don't know how to piss off my readers.
Lozo: Hmmmm "Top 10 Reasons Vagina Is Better Than Penis."
Me: Probs "Top 10 Reasons Penis is Better than Vagina" would work better.
Lozo: Then do the opposite, yeah.
Lozo: We're RIGHT HERE.
Me: Haha
Lozo: I'm pointing at my head and pointing to the chat box.
Me: Why do you want to piss people off though?
Lozo: I don't WANT to. Like, if i say, "The Yankees suck and A-Rod is gay," I don't expect dissent because I've been saying it forever. But this thing today is out of the blue and super popular, so I expected more negative opinions. Maybe I'll start doing that, though. "Why My Commenters Are Fucking Idiots."

I think that it's possible people don't argue with me because:
i. You want to be gentle to me in the aftermath of this summer's multifaceted autowin-attack.
ii. You agree with me most of the time.
iii. You don't actually read my blog, you just scan for your name. Lozo.
iv. I provide so much room for dissenting opinions (e.g., "I hate ____, but I understand that other people like ____, which is fine.") that it's hard to argue with me.
v. You're scared of my little baby wrath. Understandable. It's fierce, like I could basically be America's Next Top Model if I had a jawline.
vi. You also don't want to send negative vibes into the world.
vii. You couldn't care less.
viii. I don't know how to use roman numerals.
viiiiii. You didn't come here to fight. Just as, unlike Lozo and his raging testosterone, I also did not come here to fight.

And it's not that I carry a great deal of neutral opinions, but the basic tenements of my belief system are pretty much in line with my peer group. Like, I doubt anyone who's reading this is gonna bust out with: "Gay marriage is WRONG, Riese, obvs, didn't you read The Bible?" [sidenote: YES. I DID.] or "The L Word is the best show EVER" or "I love the war in Iraq, I wanna go there right now," or, "Jell-O is sticky and might cause yeast infections."

Sunday Top Ten: Things You Might Not Agree With [notice I ended that sentence with a preposition]

10. It's Bad, Actually.
I think Love Actually is the worst movie I've seen in my entire life. That's right, it's worse than From Justin to Kelly or Home Alone 2. I couldn't even sit through Meet the Parents. I hated There's Something About Mary and didn't laugh. I almost universally dislike any Adam Sandler, Rob Schnieder, Ben Stiller or Will Ferrell vehicles (except Old School, which is awesome). Also hated: all the Austin Powers movies, Sideways, Braveheart, Go Fish, Patch Adams, Kill Bill, Dogma, and probs like, most movies that exist. Also : I love. La-la-la-love. Jim Carrey. I think he's brilliant.
9. There is Nothing You Could Ever Say About Cats that Would Interest Me Even Remotely, Even "My Cat Just Died."

I've discussed my feelings about cats before, in "The Gayest Shit Ever": "I'm allergic to cats, and also cat-loving is just not in my disposition. I can't be all ooh-ahh about this little furball lazy thing that pees in a box of smelly gravel stuff. I've liked some kittens though. They're cute and sort of innocent, and haven't yet grown up to be lazy fat hairy dumb fucks like their parents. I don't like when cats jump on me, and I don't like it when a person has a cat-haired apartment." Cat hair is like Herpes, once it touches you, you're doomed for life. I just really couldn't care less about your cat, even if it dies, I still don't care. It was a cat, right? Cats die, you knew that when you got it, right? Because like, humans live longer than cats? I recognize objectively that the death of a cat is a very traumatic experience and it makes you very sad, but don't go to me for comfort. It is literally the one and only thing I refuse to comfort anyone on. The One Thing. I "get it" with dogs, though. Dogs have a lot in common with people. Cats represent everything I loathe about humans: they are needy, they paw, they are everywhere.

Cats that I like: fourfour's cat Winston, Dana Fairbanks' cat Mr. Piddles, The Cat in the Hat, the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, Holly GoLightly's cat "Cat," Daniel Striped Tiger from 'Mr. Roger's Neighborhood,' and the cat Lindsay and I had, which I called 'Cat' and she called 'Moo.'
8. I think prostitution and all drugs should be legal and violent movies and video games should be illegal.
7. I Actually Don't Have Any Opinions
There's not much I'll absolutely stand behind, honestly. I respect almost anyone's version of reality, almost anyone's principles. I surround myself with people like Krista and Haviland who're all firm feelings, but I'm such a believer in -- if anything -- the power of subjective realities, so hyper-aware of the specific details and circumstances that prompt people to feel how they feel about anything. I want to change this; I hate being so objective, I hate my inability to judge anyone on my own and more than that I hate that I can be prompted to hate on someone by another person but not alone. I hate that there's so little I can't be convinced of. I understand why you might hate things I love, like Michael Cunningham or Ani DiFranco. I understand why you might love things I hate, like The Hills and The DaVinci Code. There's so little I won't coat in disclaimers, or give you room to disagree.

Some of the only things I'll endorse 100%/stand up for in any circumstance: gay rights, the importance of literature and theater, the loathsomeness of George W. and Ann Coulter and the Bush Administration, the importance of independent media, women's rights, sex workers' rights, misemployment of apostrophes in plurals, America's ridiculously corrupt education and health care system, the importance of being earnest.
6. I Have No Patience For People in the Service Industry Who Can't Speak English

If I moved to China and opened a laundromat there, I'd at LEAST learn some laundry vocabulary, if not the entire language. I'd learn colors, 'cause the "where is my laundry bag" game is farcical nonsense, seriously, you don't know the word for "green" and "big"? WTF?! If I travel to France and plan to EAT FOOD, I'll probs pick up a travel guide w/restaurant vocab. If I'm gonna travel to France and OPEN a restaurant, I'd probably LEARN FRENCH. English is a retarded language, fo' sure, but you probs shoulda thought of that before moving here and opening Happy No Pork Kitchen or whatevs.
5. Some books I've Not Enjoyed, even if I should or you did:
Empire Falls, The Crying of Lot 49, Gulliver's Travels, The Well of Loneliness, The Devil Wears Prada, White Noise, Less Than Zero, Pure, Harry Potter.

UPDATE: I've now located an essay, in this month's Esquire, from a writer that most people hate, but I don't, named Chuck Klosterman, and it summarizes how I feel about Harry Potter and I have transcribed the first two paragraphs for you below because I am kind, and procrastinating.
"Here is what I know about Harry Potter: nothing.

I haven't read any of the books about him, nor have I seen any of the movies. I know the novels were written by a rich middle-aged British woman named J.K Rowling with semi-lush hair, but I have no idea what the letters J and K represent. I don't know the name of the actor who portrays Harry Potter, although I think he has eyeglasses. I don't know the names of any minor characters and I don't know the narrative arc of the plot. I don't know where the stories take place or if they are set in the past or the future. Somebody at a steakhouse recently told me that Harry Potter doesn't die at the conclusion of the seventh book (and that this detail was important), but I wasn't even aware he was sick. I assume there are dragons and griffins and werewolves and homosexual Frankensteins throughout these novels, but I honestly don't give a shit if my assumption is true or false. In fact, if somebody told me that the final Harry Potter novel was a coded interpretation of the Koran that instructed its readers how to read my thoughts, I could only respond by saying, "Well, maybe so." For whatever reason, this is one phenomenon that I have missed completely (and mostly, I suppose, on purpose).

Now, do not take this to mean that I dislike these books. I do not ... in fact, I suspect they're quite good. Moreover, I find it astounding that the unifying cultural currency for modern teenagers are five-hundred page literary works about a wizard. We are all collectively underestimating how unusual this is ... [but] I have no interest in any of it."

-from "Death by Harry Potter," by Chuck Klosterman, Esquire, November 2007
4. Some books I've loved, no matter what the people say:

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Everything is Illuminated, The Corrections, The Hours, The Year of Magical Thinking, Bright Lights Big City, Bridget Jones' Diary, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, On the Road, The Lovely Bones, The Ice Storm, The Virgin Suicides, Nobody Belongs Here More Than You
3. I Heart Affirmative Action
Howevs, the system is drastically imperfect at this point, but I love the idea and it's def better than not having it. It's unfair in some ways; like I had this ex-boyfriend -- he grew up super-poor, totes crackbaby, lived in the ghetto, his Mom had like 16 kids with different fathers, he's technically a ward of the state after his mega-old and alcoholic aunt and uncle took him in, he's had to work almost full-time since he was 14 ... these are the people that affirmative action is supposed to help. But because of the color of his skin -- nothin'.

But also, I feel like slavery really sucked. Like, that the white people brought all these Africans here to be slaves, and then freed them, like "good luck," or whatevs, and they had nothing. That was kind of a cracked out thing to do to all those people, like seriously, so like, some affirmative action seems almost necessary after all that.

People are like "Wouldn't it piss you off if you knew someone got your Columbia spot because that applicant -- your equal in all other evaluated areas -- came from a certain racial and economic background?" I can't wrap my head around this. No, that wouldn't piss me off at all, seriously. I'd be happy to know that This Mysterious Aspirant had overcome the odds against him or her and thus, they probs do deserve the spot more than I do, they probably did work harder than I did, relative to their options and surroundings. Totes. Congrats, rock on. Loved U of M, awesome.
2. Sarah Silverman: not funny.
1. The Matrix: not tremendously interested.
I don't think men should ever wear sandals, it's really super gross. I have not and will never read the book blink or The Kite Runner, I believe the dead exist among us and speak to us in dreams, I think if you're bored you must be boring, in Robin Hood, that people shouldn't be allowed to eat chicken wings or various fried seafoods or tuna fish in public especially if they own my laundromat or share my kitchen, that generosity makes the world go round, Kelly Clarkson isn't fat, people do need to leave Britney alone as your attention is part of her illness and she needs to get better and for some reason I actually care, that abortion should be legal but I'm not sure I could ever do it myself, that we rationalise everything, that our guts are the most brilliant of all organs, that you're too uptight and should laugh more, that I'm too sad and angry and I should laugh more, that we take everything too seriously, that forgiveness and humility and selflessness altogether compose perfect humans, that we are blessed to have Rosie O'Donnell in our world, that all people have a right to redemption, "I praise how the body heals itself/I praise how it never learns," that you can lie about a fact to get at an emotional truth, that Justin Timberlake is a douchebag probs, that we are all too judgmental, that people almost always chose what's easiest, that we tell ourselves stories in order to live, that you should always put others first, that we are all equally real, that esotericism is boring, that smoking can be sexy, that Gawker is truly evil, that sex is hilarious, that men make me feel like a woman, which I like, and women make me feel like a person, which I also like, but for different reasons. I believe I can fly. That's not true, actually. I totes cannot fly at all whatsoever and I know that, however, if you are a series of hurdles on a running track, I will kick your ass, leap over you, and take your names.


frank said...

first off, you're hot.

second off, just like jon cusack in high fidelity, my guts have shit for brains.

your stance on love, actually, made me very, very sad. do you hate the british, love, or both?

i stand by my belief that it's ok to hate stuff, because it's healthy. it's not good to hate everything, to be a miserable bastard. but it's terrible to pretend you like everything and everything makes you happy. that's my point. i'm done.

riese said...

first off, well played. secondly, nice ... high fidelity quote.

I hate poorly told stories that combine a mishmash of randomized characters, with only one good plotline that actually was relevant and even slightly believable (the rock star and his assistant guy that was funny) and just got increasingly ridiculous, culminating with that girl who couldn't speak english and tom everett scott in some village, I thought I was going to scream, then I talked to my ex boyfriend who also hated it and felt better.

I like everything and everything makes me happy.

I love love
and I love the British.

Anonymous said...

First of all, I'm really impressed that when I woke up (in Germany) this morning your Sunday Top Ten was already posted - amazing!

Also, I hate to potentially ruin the idea of posting opinions contrary to those of your readers, but...

- I do not like Adam Sandler, or Will Ferrell.
- I hate cats. HATE.
- I sometimes find it hard to control my rage when people in the service industry cannot speak sufficent English.
- I too, despite what the first three point may suggest, find it difficult to truly stand behind anything. Once someone told me I'd make a really good lawyer because I see everything from every point of view. I don't really know that that hos to do with being a lawyer, but I do know that it makes it extremely hard to ever make a decision on anything.

Oh also, I'm glad to read you love the British, because I am British and it makes my heart happy when people like us!

Anyway, I love the blog :) x x x

Anonymous said...

P.S. I hate that I missed the 's' from the end of 'points'. Bahh!

Bourbon said...

I think why I don't fight is reasons ii, vi and maybe even a little of vii (in the kindest, most caring way possible). I think it'd be pretty douchey to come read your blog and then argue with you on your opinions, I can't explain why I feel this way but I just do. That being said:

- I don't think that all drugs should be legal
- I find Sarah Silverman friggin hilarious (this could be because I am actually very vulgar myself, so to see someone else be so vulgar is refreshing)
- I really really really don't like the idea of putting people before myself or people putting me before themselves. I kind of think that people need to stop expecting things from other people. [I just deleted two paragraphs explaining why, it's probs too random and heavy - let's just leave it at the fact that I dig Ayn Rand but I don't dig most the people that dig her. Dichotomic tendencies prevail etc.]

riese said...

lozo: Also, I recognise that it is Mr. Darcy, not Tom Everett Scott.
Sarah: See, people always tell me I should be a therapist because i can see everything from every point of view. One thing I shouldn't be, I think, is a writer, because I am supposed to have a POV. I think the relation to lawyering is that they think you might be more able to sympathize with a client who's like, a killer or whathaveyou. I don't know, the idea of law school makes my head hurt.
Razia: I like vulgar humor. Good vulgar humor.

I defo think people need to stop expecting things from other people, most of all me. I just can't seem to change the way I think, so it'd be helpful to me if everyone else adapted to my way of doing things. I was about to talk about selfishness vs. selflessness in the work of Ayn Rand, but then I would've had to confess that I've never actually read any of her books, just talked about them.

Anonymous said...

well, you probably dont have fights with your commenters because most of the things we all disagree about are not worth fighting over. i mean, i have 3 cats, i love them as much as i expect i could love my own children (which is one reason why im pretty sure im note going to have children) and the fact that anyone who doesnt know anything about them and doesnt have to live with them could *hate* them boggles my mind, but whatever. your loss. so whats to fight about?

i do agree that reading the well of lonliness is NOT an enjoyable experience, especially when one is in high school and still thinks things in the world should be fair.

i do strongly disagree that violent video games and movies should be illegal though. prostitution and drugs, they should be legal and regulated, though introduces some new problems, in that there will still always be a black market, but legalization brings regulation, which may or may not bring some safety to the people who are truly victimized by the current state of things. however, what does making violence in media illegal achieve, other than opening the door to true censorship. i mean, "obscenity" (in other words, sex - especially anything by/for/positive about women or gays/lesbians) is already censored all the time. what about the children?! could you imagine if violence was censored? then sex and health and science would be OUT, i mean, we'd never see it again. we'd all be a bunch of completely ignorant morons wandering around aimlessly, even more aimlessly than the current batch of morons already wanders around.

no, ultimately you cant advocate censorship of only one little group of things without running into problems when you end up saying or writing or advocating for something that someone else finds offensive. everyone should be able to say everything all the time, no matter how terrible it is. id fight you for that one.

also, i do like "i can has cheezburger" (see above re: cats)

Anonymous said...

i apologize for my terrible spelling this morning.

riese said...

rocketdyke: Oh yeah, I think sex in movies should be okay. Like, there should be no censorship of sexual content, just no violence. I mean, sex is legal, yeah? Killing people is illegal? That feels like a place we could draw the line for what we want to see in movies, too. Although I guess in some places gay sex is illegal, but that's retarded, we should change that. Hm. I mean; you're right. See, this is what happens to me.

But I think we could probs do without video games altogether. Hm. Yeah though I believe in freedom of speech. Here's the thing though: we don't have it, at ALL! I mean, they censor a scene of Natasha Lyonne masturbating while thinking about a girl in But I'm a Cheerleader but some dude can stick his dick in five girls in one scene and it gets a PG-13. Gay content so often earns an NC-17 -- and not just gay content, but any woman having an orgasm in any situation risks being slapped with a high rating and therefore doomed to die at the box office. I just think violence should do the same. If people get blasted in some gory mass murder scene, it should be an NC-17.

Anonymous said...

yeah, but now you're talking about ratings instead of actual illegality. i think the rating system sucks and is unfair, but in theory i see nothing wrong with warning people - this is waht youre about to see! - so they can decide if they want to or not. i just dont think people should get to decide that other people cannot see/read/talk about things.

i think i also have this basic acceptance that humans are violent creatures, and we live in a violent world, and that that is the natural state of things. so thats never going to be censored as immoral, because we're not really wired that way.

Anonymous said...

i admire your opinion on affirmative action, seriously, most people wouldn't be able to look at it like that, i for one being one of those people.

i cannot believe you said we could do without video games all together. i might be mad about that.

also lozo i think the demographic for the random captioned cats is like 40 year old shut-ins living in the midwest, prolly not the same people who read your blog right?

Anonymous said...

also, now that im thinking about this, did you know that "sodomy" as defined as basically *consensual* gay sex was illegal in NEW YORK until 2001? that was the year they repealed that law. 2001.

you have to think, when you talk about making something a illegal (including legalizing prostitution, etc) who is going to have the privilege of interpreting this law? and the answer is usually: white men (probably the ones with money). and they are going to interpret EVERYTHING in the way that suits them best.

in our society, men see violence as something that makes one a man. an athlete, a soldier, a Man. you have to get your hands dirty, know how to win a fistfight. being gay - so NOT what it means to be a man. so, violence, no matter how extreme, is just probably never going to cause that feeling in the gut of society that says "this is wrong." even though violence is wrong. but gay sex, women's independence, totally causes that gut feeling for lots of people - that uh oh, we have to stop this.

why is it like that? its irrational. but its powerful, and you have to REALLY be careful about thinking that giving people more laws to control behavior is going to help YOU, me, or anyone like us, especially as a woman and as someone concerned with the fate of the greater queer community, because you will always be getting the short end of that stick. it sucks.

riese said...

rocketdyke: Hmmm, yes, have you seen This Film is Not Yet Rated? Because that's where I get a lot of my opinions from. "opinions." I guess I just used the word "illegal" because then I could fit it in with that part of the top ten, like "this should be legal, this should be illegal." But yeah I knew that about consensual gay sex. I think people are concerned that watching gay sex will make their children gay. Which is bad, you know, gay children, totes threatening to the fabric of life, especially if they have guns too. (kidding)

I mean, if things worked properly. I believe in the death penalty too, except I don't, because the poor, racial minorities and women will always get the short end of that stick, and innocent people will get offed all the time. If there was a better system, where we could ensure that everyone who is executed really did commit the crime and is not mentally ill, then, well, that would be good (cuz I think if you kill someone in cold blood, you kinda sacrifice your own right to live), but that never happens, like, we imprison women for life just for finally striking back after being beat by their husband forevs, so like, whatevs. It's all a mess, the legal system obvs.

Oh, and I don't think we're inherently violent. Maybe we're aggressive, but I don't think that the kind of killing and aggression that is currently shown in the movies without any care whatsoever is natural. I certainly don't think that killing or hurting large numbers of people without feeling repercussions or remorse-- as it so often happens in movies -- is not the way humans are hard-wired to act. It's not so much about the violence as it is the reaction to the violence -- like video games, you just kill people, and then just keep playing, like, totes, the end, no funeral, no guilt, no crying family members, no arrest, no nothing. Kill kill kill.

Also, I don't watch violent movies or tv shows, so I really have no clue what I'm talking about. I also have never played any video games besides MarioKart and Jeopardy for Nintendo 64. Oh! Super Mario Brothers, on the first nintendo, I played that game.

cait: See! See! I'm totally redacting any judgment on video games. Totes redacted. To each his own, I say! That's the thing. I think everyone should just do what they want to do as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. That's my perspective on life.

And yeah, toes agree about the whatevs, the um, lolcats. Probs. I dunno. I prefer adding captions to screenshots from bad lesbian television shows.

Anonymous said...

ok, i agree with you there, violence with no remorse is not natural, and we do somehow teach that with the constant presentation of violence with no consequences.

and if you ever want to play a video game, i recommend any version of tomb raider, even though its old news, because lara croft is hot, and you get to solve puzzles.

riese said...

See, I think all arguments should end with a line like that one: "[whomever] is hot, and you get to solve puzzles." Ta-da!

stef said...

i happen to appreciate lolcats, and i am hardly a 40-year-old shut-in in the midwest - but i thought arguing with lozo on his blog would be pointless and would lose me a couple of friends. see this? you're never gonna talk to me again. and if we'd known each other when my cat died and you acted like i imagine you'd act after reading that paragraph about cats dying, we would no longer be friends anyway. my cat and i were bff. his name was zero von doom. i still miss him. we were buddies.

moving on, into my world where the only cats i regularly interact with want cheezburgers...

i want to give you a hug for not liking adam sandler or sandals.

razia - i think you are one of the first people i've ever seen who shares my feelings re: ayn rand. love those books. love 'em. love the ideas behind 'em. love 'em. objectivists? fuckin creepy. and i can never be as 100% selfish as ayn wants me to be. it's not in my nature - but at least it reminds me to remember myself, if that makes any sense. otherwise i'd probably forget.

i agreed with most of the other things, but man. animals. i think you've seen me talk to random dogs being walked on the street. i can't help it. i like animals lots more than i like people. they are way less emotionally exhausting.

oh and riese -'re pretty.

Anonymous said...

i don't want to be like [someone] else and start replying to everyone's comments, but i just wanna sayy..

rocketdyke- did you know they tried to make her less hot in the tomb raider: legend? srsly, to make her more appealing to female gamers, tragic really

stef- obvs ur not a shut-in, and i like that you like them, seriously i think you actually told me about them on hair day, sorry if i offended, you're hot, let's solve puzzles

riese said...

stef: You know what I just thought of that would be even grosser? Adam Sandler WEARING sandals.

What if I took a picture of your dead cat and then put a caption on it like "I Ez Dead Kat, I Meeezzz Stefffanieeee"? Would that make you feel better?

Also, your cat's name is so awesome, maybe I'll add it to the list of cats that I like.

Here's the problem, really, is that liking cats for me is like someone who's lactose intolerant liking ice cream. Like, say that your dead cat is on my lap, but it's still alive, and I'm like stroking it, I'm also still thinking, the whole time, "OMG, my eyes are gonna start itching, I'm going to start sneezing, I have to shower and get this cat hair off me, this cat hair is on my clothes, now I have to wash this shirt 10 times before I can wear it again, I cannot touch my eyes after touching this cat," etc etc etc, like when Lindsay and I had a cat, I thought it was the cutest thing ever, but I also got so sick all the time and had to wash my hands every 20 seconds and then I got OCD-style dry cracked red hands. God, I was so sick that August. seriously I had to carry Kleenex with me everywhere and take Claritin constantly, and it still didn't help, my eyes were like waa waa waa all the time. all because of Cat.

But also it's true about humans living longer than cats. Obvs I am under the deluison that it's possible to handle death if one is forewarned. I guess I'd feel bad if someone's cat got hit by a car or something. BUt if you still had cat hair all over your apartment, probably not.

Also, I'm listening to "Knowing the Things That I know" and it is awesome.

stef said...

cait - i love puzzles!

riese - i have a short list of things boys do that qualify as deal-breakers. wearing sandals is one of them. the first item on that list is SPITTING ON THE STREET WTF WHO DOES THAT.

zero was six years old. he died of a heart defect nobody knew about, the night after i started the worst relationship of my life, possibly as a warning, like 'you're doing what in the WHAT NOW? peace the fuck OUT.' he was half paralyzed, he was terrified and crying, he was six years old. it was horrible. i was looking forwards to having him grow up to be one of those gross old cats that nobody wants anything to do with, really.

of course humans live longer than cats, dogs too. my dog was put down in february. she was sixteen. that was actually fine, like 'cool, that was a long life, she was well-loved and loved us and she was old and sick and in pain.' big difference.

sometimes i am convinced i'll be one of those lonely old cat ladies. i love dogs too, but i don't like walking them when it's raining or snowing or i'm drunk. so.. all the time.

i mean i get it, you're allergic. i loved ice cream once upon a time. five years ago i guess. wow.

ohhhhhh the blow. there's two more records i didn't buy, older stuff, the weird acoustic stuff. need to get on that.

Anonymous said...

they tried to make lara croft less hot to appeal to female gamers?!? i never knew that. are they retarded? arent female gamers probably gay anyway, at least deep down? are these people completely uninformed?

Bourbon said...

I think we're gonna have to agree to disagree on how funny Sarah Silverman is, one thing we may agree on however is how some people think shes "hot". I don't see it. Next!

It's funny that you bring this selfishness vs. selflessness stuff up because just the other day I had a half hour conversation with some old dude in a book store on the same topic. Anyhow, you should read the books. Wow. Recommending a book to you is like giving blow drying tips to Jonathon Antin...or Haviland obvs.

Stef - I can't believe other people like this exist. Wow. Have you read both her fiction and non-fiction? I haven't read any of her non-fiction yet but I'm kind of curious to see why people go a bit cray-cray when they really get into it. Objectivism is a bit nutty, it's the individualism that I love.

Ms. Jackson said...

Ya know what's even worse than going to an establishment where they don't understand much English? Having people come up to you and start blabberig in a different language. And when I say that I don't speak spanish, they look at me like I'm some sorta of weirdo. One lady called me dumb in spanish. (I understand a little.)

Oh, and I also loathe ann coulter. every time I see or hear her I get the urge to throw something.

Anonymous said...

thank god! thank stef/razia! i thought i was all alone. i've been having to defend ayn rand from my friends forever. i loved atlas shrugged (not so much for the plot or characters, i think ayn is kind of crazy/sexist) but for the way it really made me think about my life. it really is ridiculous to ask anyone to live for anyone else. in the end, all you have is yourself and your own life, right? anyway, you can see i kind of had to read them because of my name.

Anonymous said...

I was going to comment on number eight but I feel enough has been said on this already.

I also have a problem with people not being able to speak English, not just in the service industry but in England in general. If people chose to move here then I see that as a choice to also learn English, so why do so many of them not bother. And I also have a problem with the fact that if I were to say that in public, people would call me racist. “Ethnic jokes might be uncouth, but you laugh because they're based on truth”

I don’t believe that we should look out for others before ourselves, “people must look after themselves first. It is our duty to look after ourselves and then, also, to look after our neighbours." There’s not a lot Maggie Thatcher said I agree with, but this is one thing I do.

Marcia said...

I'm generally of the avoid conflict comments mold. (Does that sentence make any sense?) But usually I either agree with you, or the disagreement is trivial enough that I don't feel the need to bring it up.

I don't think Sarah Silverman is funny at all.

I'm a dog person, but I try to be sympathetic when somebody's cat dies at least, because people do get attached to those sneezy little critters. I do remember one of the few times when I ABSOLUTELY flew off the handle, tho, was when my dad had just died and this girl who I worked with came up to me and said she understood how I felt because her cat had just died. Um, seriously, wow. I should've smacked her.

I don't think violence should be censored in media, I think people should have better parenting skills when it comes to letting their kids watch violent movies and play violent video games, and the ratings system should recognize that violence is much more offensive than sex. Sometimes the best art comes from the darkest corners of the human psyche, and if we censor violence altogether, it's no better than censoring sex... we may miss out on some great work of art.

The Spaz said...

I am a cat person. I like dogs but in general I can't get behind that kind of slavish devotion, I like an animal who's independent for the most part. Also totes feel Stef on the not having to walk 'em in the rain thing.

I think people are inherently violent. I'm a violent person. Not that I intentionally go out and hurt people or anything, but I've been in fights before and you do what you gotta do and you get on with it.

Its not to say you don't regret your actions afterwards, but I think its unrealistic to be a complete pacifist. I was raised not to start fights, but if we got into them and didn't win when we got home we'd get our asses kicked. My mother was a harsh woman but she did not want her kids to be stepped on.

DH said...

I was going to suggest a Matrix theme for our big day, but now I'm glad I never got around to it. I feel like we've already discussed our differences regarding Less Than Zero, which is probably the only thing on here I can disagree with. I'm too agreeable. I'm all for the power of subjective realities, and most of #1.

frank said...

just like every other comment thread here, it breaks down into a discussion about sodomy. it's why i come back.

and mlb, i am the exact same way around cats. exact. i have to shower the second i get home from a cat home/apartment for fear of spreading the cat hair throughout my apartment.

and i think people of all ages love lolcats. never underestimate how many stupid people are walking the planet.

riese said...

stef: Your cat is an oracle. Also, how brill of me to accidentally mention lactose intolerance when that in fact applies specifically to your situation! I forgot about that. I am also an oracle.

Um, I'm sorry about your cat, that's really sad.
rocketdyke: Yes, they are retarded. I always thought female gamers were straight girls who's boyfriends got them hooked. But then again, I don't know anything about anything, really, when it all comes down to it.
Razia: Actually, I do find her somewhat attractive, and given the choice to make out with her or not to make out with her, I might chose "make out with her." Except wait, no. Jimmy Kimmel, ew. Ew.

Also, I have some economics advice. Um. Invest wisely.
Ms. Jackson: I'd like to break Ann Coulter's bones one at a time, like crack crack crack crack like that. That'd be awesome.
dagny: See, I hate 99% of people, and prefer to stay indoors alone. But somehow I still believe that in the end, it's possible to have more than just yourself. I don't think people should live for other people, I just think selective selflessness is ultimately more rewarding, as long as it's not at your own expense, if that makes sense. Stephen Dunn- "Here, let me help you, then you me,/otherwise we'll die."
LMC: See you know what I mean. About cats and Dads. And I'm usually totally sympathetic -- to the surprise of most people-- to the death of just about anything, except cats, because I know it's all relative. I just have this problem with cats. Actually, both my parents didn't like cats either. Hm.

My Mom didn't let me watch anything violent, but most people don't have such supervision, and then they grow up and kill people. This has been statistically proven. [No it hasn't, I'm just pulling it out of my ass]

Agree 100% about the ratings system, re: violence and sex.
The Spaz: Yes, cats are independent. Cats: 1, Dogs: 0. This is the truth abotu cats and dogs. The independence is nice, because I can't take care of things, when we had a dog, it was really high maintenance. I can barely take care of myself, I think I've mentioned this before, let alone another living creature.

Most of my feelings about violence are wrapped and endorsed by a deep and comfortable coat of denial in regards to what life has shown me about violence thus far. I would have to say, more than anything, that I love denial, and my ideals and ideas about what human beings are ... are hopeful, against all odds and examples to the contrary.

Also, I don't really think violence should be illegal. I'd change that in the post, but since the point was to start arguments, I should probably just embrace it. Peacefully, like Mother Teresa.

riese said...

crystal: We have discussed Less than Zero, though your affection for it has made me like it more. Lets have a Less than Zero theme. Cocaine and overpriced handbags for everyone, a shimmery swimming pool, a lot of white.
lozo: Thank you for putting the "bad" back into "I wanna be bad" by calling everyone stupid. See, I'll just be your "YEAH! what HE SAID!" girl. And look, here you are, RIGHT HERE, agreeing with me about cats when no one else is. What a charming world we live in.

asher said...

who doesn't like a heartbreaking work of staggering genius?

i am also of the sort to have trouble firmly disagreeing with someone on most topics. i think i just am aware of my ignorance more than most. so i defer to their assumed self-righteousness unwilling to argue.

oh. but the reason i came here to comment was to tell you that there's a small fashion feature on annie hall inspired looks in this month's nylon, and i'm crazy and remember you writing a while ago that she's one of your fashion icons. you should at least go give it a flip.

(and if you hadn't seen it i left a small stars concert recap from last night in the comments from the previous thread).

riese said...

Ooohhh it is so post-hip to hate on A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, like everyone in publishing is nuts with hate over it, it's insane. I read it before the hype, so I had a different perspective, I also related to a lot of his feelings.

I totally saw that fashion spread. As I buy Nylon usually the day it comes out, it's one of my favorite magazines. I love the way it looks.

And I saw that comment about the Stars concert, that is awesome, and I am jealous. I'm listening to them right now! Surprise.

Anonymous said...

I feel left out, like i wouldnt feel so bad if i wasnt the only one left out, but where was my reply? Maybe im just being silly but i've never liked being left out.

riese said...

Haha, whoops! I do that a lot actually at random to random people, and then I go back and delete the comment and re-write it before anyone notices. Probs Crystal notices. I do it probably once a week, because I'm scanning up and down and back and forth on my computer window and I accidentally skip people all the time. Actually, I think it was the dagney/dewey thing that messed me up in scanning back and forth. You know, up and down. On the menu. Up ... and down, up and down ... mmmm.... waaa

dewey: In the classic musical RENT, which most people hate, they said "You'll never share real love until you love yourself I should know." Which is sort of like that Thatcher quote. Or maybe it's not at all whatsoever.

Also, if you want to be able to say things like that and not be called racist, you should hang out with Lozo.

riese said...

Or me.

Anonymous said...

See now I feel much better, now I’ve had my riese fix for they day, even though there's only 38 minutes of the day remaining, but it will roll into tomorrow I'm sure.

Up and down, up and down- made me lol

Anonymous said...

i was a little unspecific, i don't believe at all that we're 100% alone, i just think that we need to put ourselves first because its our own reality we're going to have to deal with in the end. but a lot of the time helping other people makes you feel better, improves your life, so there you go.
also, check this out:
number 6 is sara from tegan and sara and its freeee

DH said...

Probs Crystal notices? I can't tell if you think I have a keen eye for detail, or that I spend my day lurking on these pages. I realise that in leaving this comment, I'm probably giving evidence to the latter. I may or may not notice.

I'm thrilled that I've opened your heart a little to Less Than Zero. And the suggested theme is brilliant, although I'll have to push back on the white, it's just not my colour.

riese said...

dewey: And here I am, on the other end of the daytime, still rolling.
dagny: Agreed. This is amazing ... this song "Sweetness Follows"? The R.E.M. version, I used it a few times in films I made in high school when I wanted to be a filmmaker. I loved the hell out of this song. This is almost as orgasmic as listening to them cover Umbrella. OOo also I think I just found my link of the day. How efficient.
crystal: It'd really be ashamed if you'd abstained all your life and didn't celebrate with the proper white wedding you deserve. hahaha. ha. Um, superior eye for detail, I think. High-level eye detailing skills.

MeL said...

Umm. How about I can totally relate to the Seinfeld Episode where Elaine hates "The English Patient"? Because I thought it was total crap.

Also? I enjoy the penis quite thoroughly, but I would still lick your face if I happened to be next to you on the subway. (If I happened to be in New York.) I bet you taste like tapioca pudding.

Also, also? Actually, there is none. But I suddenly have this uncontrollable craving for a strawberry pop-tart. Stop using your telepathic-brain-ray on me!

Wait, was that weird? :)

Anonymous said...

Riese, I'd like to turn you on... the one and only Rob Schneider movie I've ever liked. It was actually very funny...
for reasons that may start with "Anna" and end with "Faris". Or more importantly, because it also starred Rachel McLoveofmylife.
I'd like you to consider my argument. Or at least the first sentence of this comment.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

bringing the convo back to cats. and death. (side note: i've only been commenting here for less than a week, and already i'm onto death again. just call me the grim reaper.)

anyways, i totes relate to the whole lack of empathy for dead cats thing -- but in another, more cold-hearted way. i feel it very difficult to muster up sympathy for people who have just lost their grandparents. esp. if they are full fledged grown ups. i just can't handle it. i actually get a bit angry with them.

i know, i'm a cold hearted bitch. i know that wanting people to feel grateful that they had these people in their lives so long is totally just me projecting my own losses on to them, but still. still.

so i practice nicey nice comments like the ones i say to my kids when they're bawling hystericall over a bumped knee. "wow, that's terrible. you must feel awful. (pat pat pat) want some ice cream?"

hopefully they aren't lactose intolerant ...

frank said...

i'm not positive, but i think you called me racist. what gives, pretty girl? oh, i heard a funny black joke today.

Anonymous said...

alex vega - if you like anna faris, you should consider this movie called "may" if you can find it. its a horror-type movie, but theres a bit more to it than that. may is this girl who doesnt have any friends, and ends up trying to make one for herself. the characters are interesting, and anna faris is one of the main character's friends. shes totally funny in it.

stef said...

dagny - i am so jealous of your name. dagny taggart is my hero. also i have a literary crush on andrei taganov from we the living. i love the idea of original thinkers declining to be taken advantage of, of refusing to compromise one's ideals, living for no one's sake but your own, etc etc, but it's tough to live that way in the real world with people you care about and who care about you. it's hard to follow ayn rand completely if you have like.. a soul. unless you're a cat. cats are objectivists. LOLobjectivists.

see, by sticking up for lolcats, i lost my friendship with lozo. i am weeping. shoulda kept my mouth shut.

ooh you know what's surprisingly SUPER racist that i just found out about? zombie movies from the 1940s. srsly. they're all set in like haiti and black people are only in them to be scared of things and to say things like 'no, suh! i ain't goin' in there!' or 'bein' a zombie sho' do have downsides!' it was a different kind of horror movie.

and riese - i don't care if you care, i was just sayin'.

and ps - OMFG MAY. HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE THAT MOVIE. it's up there with ginger snaps in so-bad-it's-fucking-amazing horror movie-ology.

riese said...

Mel: There's this great line in Dawson's Creek, when Joey wants to rent TEP and Pacey's like "Um, may I suggest something that doesn't totally suck?"

Guess what. True story: I was denied admission to the Enlglish Patient. I remember this distinctly, because it was like, rated R or something, and my friends and I, who'd gone to see it like the big group of total dorks we were, and we had to buy tickets to an Adam Sandler movie, like maybe that one where he goes to school? I don't remember, and then sneak in to The English Patient. Anyhow, I thought it was really fantastic/so boring I almost died in my chair/seriously though, good movie, just um, boring.

Also, also, also. I hope you got that pop tart. Speaking of pop tarts, I hope I taste like tapioca pudding. I probs do. Vanilla lotion and etc.


alex vega: See, in the half-second of space between your first line [scrolling ... down ... down ... there? there] the deck of clever-cards was racing, really, I had some quality lines prepared -- "You had me at Riese," "Ok!", "Alex Vega, I'd like to be turned on,", really good stuff, you can imagine ... and then. And then. The Hot Chick. But you know what? Maybe it's because you called her Anna McLoveofmylife, or maybe it's because you brought it back around, but I'm just gonna let that be. That movie. You can um, LMAO all over it.

[also, I fixed your double-comment, because I like to put others before myself, obvs.]


anonymous rieseophant: [I kinda know exactly what you mean.] If the kids with the bumped knees are lactose intolerant, then that'll give them something to really cry about, you know?


Lozo: Look, pretty boy ... everyone, Lozo is not racist. In fact, he's so not-racist that he feels super-comfortable making funny racially based jokes. Seriously, it's like how i feel comfortable making fun of lesbians.


alex vega, c/o rocketdyke: Since we're on the topic of the Anna Faris cannon, I'd like to recommend, Alex, that you consider Deception: A Mother's Secret, also known as Tell me No Lies.


stef: Really, about the cat. I'm really sorry. Cats are people too.

stef said...

razia - i tried to read philosophy: who needs it? but at a certain point i was just like 'ugh shut UP.' it was really not as interesting without all the back story and architecture and kinda hot power-play sex. ayn rand hated women in such an awesome way. she really hated everyone in such an awesome way.

and riese - it's cool.

i like how my comments to you have become like, the ps of my comments.

caitlinmae said...

i. now that you're offering a prize, the commenting spree has taken off!
ii. I do know roman numerals, and I want to see if I can make this a long enough comment to use all of the ones I know.
iii. i like lolcats. there, i said it, and you can feel free to unfriend me on any one of the numerous internet social networking sites we're both on.
iv. I like cute things and really stupid things and I like looking at animals doing dumb stuff. I like having this twee distraction in contrast to all of the VERY SERIOUS THINGS i am thinking about/doing ALL OF THE TIME.
v. If lolcats did not exist, we couldn't have loldedcatz or lolhan.
vi. Now that I've humiliated myself- a few thoughts on the actual meat of this stuff. I think I said in my first comment to you that I had a really negative experience with someone I only knew in 2D- his wife basically called me an arrogant, pretentious teenybopper because I disagreed with them.
vii. he and his wife are now divorced. i am still awesome.
viii. I think you bring up a good point about not disagreeing with bloggers you read because you probably wouldn't be interested in reading a blog with which you disagree. However, I am also of the opinion that reading a blog of something with which you entirely disagree, fervently and animatedly, and trying to "know the enemy" can also be interesting.
ix. I am going to go ahead and disagree with you on the violent video games and movies front. Maybe this is because I'm writing a mini-thesis on it, or because I'm taking a seminar on violence, sex and censorship in film, but i'm inundated with this material all week and when that happens, you tend to form opinions.
x. this reminds me of that scene in clueless, you know when cher is like- "omg even if you take the violence out of cartoons and stuff, you could still see the news. So there's no point in removing it from shows that need it for entertainment value." then she like, does a line with wallace shawn. I don't think that violence should be entertaining. because death is in no way humourous (unless it's loldedcatz.)
xi. But where do we go, when violent video games and movies/tv shows seem so "popular?" Our bloodlust culture will not be sated with lighter fare? I think the first step to take (and actually, my reading for this week thinks) is to present more conscious, realistic violence WITH CONSEQUENCES. that is the success of shows like Law and Order: SVU- it's a post-rape narrative, so it does not eroticize sexual violence against women. you see how the violence has affected the community, you see all the bad stuff, and you can't fetishize that because you're too busy feeling everyone's pain.
xii. Once action movies move away from easily hateable, alienating villains and sexy, inviting heroes who never get hurt, and instead show actions with consequences, violence can be realistically portrayed- not glamourized.
xiii. I'm totes with you on the prostitution and drugs- because I think (as I think rocketdyke said before) that legalization leads to regulation. But in terms of "regulation of the arts"... no way, jose. keep the government out of the arts.
xiv. I have now written you a book.
xv. i was zombie dolly parton for halloween, and now there are pictures of my breasts on facebook.

Anonymous said...

Riese and rocketdyke: Thanks for the recommendations - I'll be checking those out. Mostly because I heart Anna Faris, but also because I need to keep up with you people and your pop-culturalism.
Thanks in advance ;)

and Riese, I was totally LOLZing over your reply/reaction... and I'm gonna leave it at that.

I think I've used all my cleverness for this week on you (I know, it wasnt much... whatevs) gotta recharge...

Anonymous said...

i'm behind...i read it, i promise. just running behind with everything!

Rahul said...

Lozo- Is there anything such as a nonfunny black joke?

It's ok, I'm allowed to say that because I'm brown.

Riese, I agree with your top ten. All of them. You have failed to stimulate any feelings of debate. On the other hand, I don't like debate, so maybe its my fault.

Rebecca Foster said...

Voice of dissent: I am against affirmative action because I think it is a bandaid for larger social problems, and people focus so much on whether or not we should have affirmative action that the underlying problems go unfixed.

That said, Love Actually blows. I didn't understand why I was supposed to care about any of those people. This big bad macho guy told me he likes that movie, but seriously dude, if you're going to pick a chick flick to try to impress a girl, pick one that doesn't blow. (Yeah, I know this is hard because most of them do. But I had another friend, a big bad fighter pilot, who loves Bring It On. That guy I could respect.)

riese said...

stef: p.s. sdasfjkagkj
i. What's the prize? Jell-O?
iii. I would never unfriend you for liking lolcats, that would be like unfriending someone because I find out they have scabies or SARS, you know, I don't want to add insult to injury.
vi. Ah yes, yes you did.
vii. You are.
viii.Yes, that's why we subscribed to Time magazine in my family. my Mom said it was important to understand "the other side."
ix-xii : I agree. I think it's all about context. context is everything.
xv. maybe your breasts and stef's breasts should duke it out in facebook jello. there must be an app for that.
alex vega: I think if you want to see my recc, you might have to take a time machine to 1990 and watch Lifetime for an entire week, and then it might come on. But I cant be certain.
haviland: So! many! thoughts! happening in your head at once!
rs27: It is funny you should mention that because Lozo told me a really unfunny black joke last night, except he thought it was funny.
Rebecca: Thank you, thank you, thank you, re: Love Actually. I mean, seriously, no, I couldn't have cared less about any of those characters because, BECAUSE, they each had what like, 2 minutes of screen time? The connections between people seemed so forced, the wit so stale, the intersecting family and people didn't make me go "ohh!" like in a Robert Altman movie, but rather "wtf?" like in a craptacular movie. I agree.

But, ok, until we have a cure for the common flesh wound, aren't band-aids better than nothing?

frank said...

i'm fuckin' disgusted! come on! it's so funny.

jenna lynn. said...

aw, marie. i really enjoyed this entry.

Bourbon said...

Phew. Never thought I'd say this but thank god for Jimmy Kimmel. Or else I'd be looking like a totes douche for assuming that we'd actually have something in common in regards to Sarah Silverman.

Dagny - You know, when I first saw your name I was like 'Hmmm, could it be?'. This thrust me into deep thought as to whether you were the Atlas fan or your parents.

Stef - Its crazy how the same person who brain-birthed Dagny Taggart can be so anti-women. I think I'm gonna get stuck into Intro To Objective Epistemology but I'm having trouble finding the earlier editions that haven't been tampered with by Peikoff.

Riese - Wazap.

Anonymous said...

razia- do you really think dagny taggart is a strong woman? i did at first, but then, getting farther into the book i started to think the exact opposite. she accepts being talked condescendingly to by the men, is always being taken care of, and to tell the truth she is pretty slutty (not that slutty is bad of course). i think ayn rand's kind of sexism is worse than outright sexism because she creates this woman that we see as strong, then subtly undermines her and corrupts her. This then makes women subconsciously think that even the strongest of us aren't as strong as men.
whew, sorry i have a lot of ranting pent up about this particular subject. i'd be interested to hear what you think...

Bourbon said...

Dagny - Omg have you been reading my mind? I was going to go on about how I only like dagny taggart of part one but I thought it'd be too in depth. Anyway this could go on forever so hit me up at because there's just so much more.

riese said...

Lozo: Not funny.
jenna: Aw. Hiiii!
razia: Wazzzupppp?!?!?
Also, my heart warms every time a conversation erupts that is between people other than me here on the comment boards. It's like watching love blossom from the editing room of Tila Tequila, but without the bikinis or the making out.

Anonymous said...

I've just got to say that I've been reading (not commenting upon, but reading) your blog for almost a year now, and this post was so awesome that I can't help but break the silence and comment.