Autowin Will Never Surrender, No She'll Never Surrender - It's Fiiiiine Friday

Hellooooo! You look smashing today. As you know, I'm currently involved in a very serious do-or-die election. I know I promised to stop getting involved in voting-related situations, BUT I had to do "The Lezzies" 'cause last year Dorothy Surrenders demolished me by just a hair, and the year before that, Ham & Cheese On Wry crushed Dorothy's dreams by just an inch, so clearly history suggests that this year I will take home the crown. Look people, I'm not messing around here.

Howevs, my personal Herstory suggests that I will NOT ever take home any kind of crown (the Uh Huh Her video contest only partially counts, as our stiffest competition was an enthusiastic Welsh girl singing along to the teevee in her pajamas claiming that even though she hadn't attended the video-contest-required concert that she still deserved to win ... and were it up to the fans rather than Leisha & Cam, we would've lost. Luckily Rovermom did not have her day in the sun. Anyhow where was I, ah yes. I am still in the parentheticals, let's go) (oh also I did win the Hot Blogger Calendar thing, along with 11 other girls, and I'm pretty sure at least 200 of my votes were from Vashti & Autumn) (Thanks guys!) (400).

So, as I was saying, history shows that this year, I should be the one punching people in the face rather than, per ushe [again, questionable, but bear with me here, I'm trying to give you an ultimatium, which is something I have issues with] , an auto-loser. So, this'll be the last one. Probs. So please go vote for me (best personal blog) and Grace the Spot (best humor blog) and Sugarbutch (best gender-bender & erotica blog).

Also remember 8-Against-8, when we banded together to raise $13,759 to fight Proposition 8? I did that. Well Grace was in charge of that and other 8against8-ers include Sugarbutch, Pam's House Blend and Dorothy Surrenders, all nominees this year. Vote for them. NOW. Or die.

Anyhow during past elections, I've continued to be my typical self, bloggity blogging away all about memememe and the things I like. This year I will not let that happen.

This year, I'm going to spend the voting period doing EXACTLY what Dorothy Snarker does on her blog, because she beat me last year, therefore logic dictates I should emulate her as much as I can. 'Cause I'm not competing directly against her, it's totes ethical. Some might even call it "charming." [Bet You Can't Wait for my "Pre-L," otherwise known as "K." K what? You'll see. Special? Maybe. How good? K-good.]

I've already brought you Whoodie Wednesdays (a rip-off of Tank Top Tuesdays) and today I will bring you another series of photographs of ladies wearing fuckable things because today is Fiiinnneee Fuckable Friday obvs.

Howevs, I have no effin' clue where to find random pictures of hot girls. I'm familiar with a Kate Moennig fan site or two, but where do these other hot photos come from? Google Image Search is bunk, and I don't read any celebrity or fashion or pop culture sites besides the one I write for . Tips?

Today I will please you with photographs of girls who are looking & dressing boyishly. Why? Because, like hoodies, I think it's cute. I like boyish girls. I also don't believe in gender, but we'll talk about that another day. A day when I'm allowed to talk about Gender Trouble and Pomosexuals. That day will come.

Also, unlike Dorothy I don't have anything witty to say, let alone something concise & witty to say. But vote for me anyhow or I'll never blog again.

Actual Queer Girls Lookin' A Little Boyish Friday

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Kate Moennig
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Tegan & Sara, Amanda Palmer, Sara Cook, Invisible Ponyboy
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Patricia Melone = Rising Star Gay Model
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Ellen Page in drag > Ellen Page in preggo suit
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Jackie Warner makes people work out
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Rachel Maddow: Best Dork Ever
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This is what Max is supposed to look like, dammit.
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Who wants a double shot of love with FUTCH?
Probs not me but still.
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Who cares if this fits 100% with the theme?
Aren't you just glad I brought it to your attention? Yeah you are.
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Every night Jenny Shimizu can go to bed, close her eyes and think:
"It is me. I am the woman who made love to Angelina Jolie."
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This is what I want is something like what these ladies have.
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The thing is about famous people though that once you meet them, they become people and not images. And then it becomes harder to deal with their images as images, instead of as pictures of people. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess I try to think of it as though these are all works of art. Like the photographer, the subject, they just come together to make art of some kind. Whether it's a commentary on culture or just nice to look at. If you are reading this blog for the first time, you will be really confused about why anyone reads it. Ho-ho-hum. Let's bang on the drums. HAY!

GRAND OPENING: Pins/Buttons, Baby!

It doesn't get any better than this. Hot & Fast & Cheap & Cool! We're talking 3-D here -- real, live, pin-to-your-peter-pan-collar buttons/pins, wear them here there and everywhere. It's Buttons, Baby! Just in time for the holiday season we bring you your best idea yet -- tiny & shiny buttons that everyone can enjoy together -- male or female, dog or cat, reader or illiterate, homo or strai or bisexual, emo or sunshiney, short or tall, multi-limbed or amputee, rich or poor, dentist or dairy farmer, mother or cousin, these buttons will please & satisfy and they're now on sale in the Autowin Store.

Whether a stocking stuffer or a smokin' hot accessory for your messenger bag, butt, bikini, stuffed animal or fedora, buttons are better than ice cream [not better than Pinkberry, though they are, in fact, less expensive than Pinkberry] and sweeter than Splenda.

These buttons are tokens of affection, apparel of perfection, and the bestest hottest people in the world will be sporting them now & forevermore. Shouldn't you be one of them?

The store is up & running -- it doesn't look that good right now but we're working on it. We wanted to be sure you could get these by Christmas so we had to do a rush job on the website but the buttons, however, are perfect specimens, conceptualized by me & Team Awesome and translated into design magic by Semicolon.

I'll probs offer a few more fun things this week, but I can tell you this for certain: anyone who makes an order on today, DECEMBER 16TH or 17TH, will get ONE FREE BUTTON of your choice! It's actually $0.01, 'cause PayPal is a bitch. But that's practically free, buy it now before the Dow crashes.

Meet The Buttons

TINK!, inspired by Tinkerbell, Queen Chief Dog of Princess Worldwide Honor Society. May she bring you 30% of the joy and male dog attention she brings to me. That's actually quite a lot. For all dog lovers and/or haters everywhere.

Or I TOTES HEART ROCK BOTTOM, inspired by, I believe, mememememe, because this one time I said "I Totes Heart Rock Bottom" in a comment 'cause the blog post kinda went on into comments, and then someone said it back, and then we kept on saying it. Now you can say it ... in silver! The letters tumble, just like your soul and your feelings. Obvs every silver lining has a touch of grey, but this one is actually mostly silver.


Or OBVS, inspired by how you feel when she says that thing you totes agree with. Just point. Works for all people in all seasons.

Or UH HUH ... HER? In middle school, I had "best" and she had "friends." In post-post college ennui, it's "UH HUH" "HER?" You can wear them both. Then everyone will know ... how cool you are. Just prepare to be asked about PJ Harvey.

Or AUTOMATIC WINNER, inspired by semi-automatic weapons, love, feelings, and all things good and holy. It's your golden ticket to the winner's circle. Tell the world you've got it on lockdown.

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Yup. You want some ... uh huh ... and you'll get autostraddle stickers too, which fit perfectly over the "composition" square on your composition book, or on haviland's bumper, or on your butt.

Even if you have no idea what this blog is, these buttons are still super cute. That's one of the best parts. You can also load up your cart with other delightful Auto-Store items while you're shopping.

We'll have more photos of the buttons soon, but we haven't had time yet. We've been gearing up to ship out all orders within 24 hours of being ordered so if you order on the 16th it will be in the mail on the 17th and so forth. In case you want to surprise your girlfriend/boyfriend/boifriend with something special besides your vadge/whatevs.

Also we just like to make things for y'all. In my next life, I will devote myself wholly to arts & crafts.

GO TO THE AUTOWIN STORE RIGHT NOW!

Open Letter to The Future: You've Got Your Whole Life to Lose, Let's Auto-win Some!

I have some ideas about the future. Welcome to a special edition of the Carousel of Progress.

So I get it, I read the news, we're apparently facing some kind of worldwide economic apocalypse. This all seems unreal to me, not 'cause I've been immune to its impact -- because trust me, my consistently near-empty pockets are particularly empty these days -- just 'cause the economy is a structure we set up, like ... as humans? Why'd we invent something so crummy, and why can't we take it back, like a broken toaster? "No thanks, we prefer the fire pit after all, works every time?" I'm down to hunt & gather.

I've been thinking about the future because:

a) I've been reading the answers to What's Your Dangerous Idea? ("The history of science is replete with discoveries that were considered socially, morally, or emotionally dangerous in their time ... What is your dangerous idea? An idea you think about (not necessarily one you originated) that is dangerous not because it is assumed to be false, but because it might be true?") the 2006 question posited by the Edge World Question Center to top scientists around the world.

b) Obama, the economy, the environment ... there's been a lot of talk lately about ... well ... what's gonna happen next.

c) I've been trying to think about the future in a real way lately now that I'm actively increasing rather than decreasing the probability that I'll be around for that much more of it. It's freaky, I don't even know if I love time travel anymore! I guess I only like backwards time travel. I just want to churn butter in my Little House on the Prairie, that's my true destiny in life.

I have some ideas about things I would like The Future to consider for our future.

Okay, dear the future here are some things I would like to see:

1. Factory: The Magazine: So OurChart's over, The L Word's almost over, so many magazines & newspapers are vanishing, and I feel many bloggers are losing steam or simply the time to do so much unpaid writing ... I feel now's the time for someone with a good voice -- hopeful but careful, snarky but tender, ridiculously mind-blowingly intelligent, quick, and clever, queer in sensibility, not gay but also not hetero-normative, not women-targeted but mostly women-staffed -- to emerge and start something really new and spectacular that actually takes prior internet-media lessons learned and applies all of them from the get-go. 'Cause here's what we've been left with: the surviving media is either sarcastic or old-school, the failing media ran the gamut but often was twitching for tradition, the mainstream sources remain as they've always been (dumb).

What about something that actually speaks our language? 'Cause we have one, and it's a little bit newer, but also kinda awesome, and valid. It's diverse and expresses itself in every format we can touch or see or find. We are infinite. I drove home listening to some of the songs we listened to those times when we were infinite.

2. I'd like for New York Sports Club to fix at least three of its machines at the 125th & Broadway location, e.g., the clanking ellipticals. The teevee audio & video is out of sync, the magazine rack's a mess, the seat of the ab machine always slides down, that girl in the yellow shorts needs to see an ED specialist and please for the love of G-d get someone at stall #3 in the ladies room STAT.

3. I'd like to finish writing this novel, or at least 50,000 words of it, by the end of the month of November.

4. It'd be neat to see a smooth transition from Obama's eighth year to Hillary's first, almost like something they'd just talked about the two of them, decided would be best, asked if that was okay with America, and calmly traded chairs.

5. The economic crisis should lead us to question our attachments to material goods and money. Capitalism isn't a religion, and advertising dictates desire dangerously.

We should begin thinking about embracing the DIY movement (thanks to a;ex for this article, @lifehacker: The "Greater Depression" can be a DIY Renissance). We should start making more stuff, and also stop judging one's employment potential by the amount charged to their credit card to buy the suit and the soft makeup for the interview. That's dumb. I really would be totally down with growing my own food, but I live in the city, although I'm getting a lemon tree soon so.

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6. I think books can make it. I think people who write books might have to respond -- as writers always have over the centuries -- to an audience who's taste and attention span has changed. We can produce novels that appeal to new readers without sacrificing intelligence or word count.

I think people are capable of reading a shit-ton of words, now more than ever. Book people need to realize that since paper is the big difference between online writing and books/magazines/newspapers, we should think about how to really sell & market the paper.

Part of our problem? There's too many books to choose from, and due to the mental engagement & silence & time required to read a book, no-one can read every book they want to read in one lifetime and therefore we can't produce infinite books like we do with teevee channels. We're printing too many books. A lot of them suck.

Independent presses are being drowned out by big presses who don't even have the time to focus on quality over quantity, and the reading public is suffering. We have self-publishing for people who can't find a major publisher for their work, so it's not that a shafted writer is left up shit creek without a (albeit not too cool) paddle. If it's that good, your self-published work'll emerge from the muck.

I think literature will survive everything that people are saying against it, but that also means we can't forget about literacy. We need to seriously work on literacy if we want people to read our books!!

So -- we focus on quality, literacy, making the internet work for us and not against us, incorporating new media and targeting different audience styles to our advantage. The independent presses can play that game too, just by promoting the quality-based system on a smaller revenue model.

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7. Pinkberry should bring back the coffee flavor, by popular demand (as you can see in the photo I will wait for ice cream). All grocery stores should carry Sausage & Cheese Breakfast LeanPockets, especially you, FreshDirect. It's not fair that I only know the calorie counts of corporate chain restaurants, you can't convince America that we can only rely on The Man to keep us healthy too and give us the numbers, make everyone do it. No no no. Also, I would like the world to be made of some combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

8. New books by: Lorrie Moore, Miranda July, Maggie Estep and Mary Gaitskill, New music from Uh Huh Her and no more re-runs of Intervention, just new episodes, thanks.

9. I think that Haviland Stillwell should be in "The Farm" which'll reveal itself to be secretly totally awesome. So far it looks kinda weird, like Bad Girls. But whatevs, last time we stole a British queer show concept (Queer as Folk) it turned out a lot better than our own.

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10. I'd like a publisher or magazine to commission me to do a year-long project in which I approach, as a journalist, taking on the jobs of people who I think are bad at their jobs. Like I bitch about Duane Reade but if I worked there, would I be any better? Not like Nickel & Dimed, this'll be more about how we assess service and performance in others than about socioeconomic realities for women.

It would be a 12-month thing and each month I'd have to try to get a job and then work the job at:

1. Time Warner Customer Service
2. 125th & Lennox Starbucks
3. Duane Reade
4. The U.S Postal Service
5. New York Sports Club
6. the editor of an online magazine that will not be named
7. President of the United States George W. Bush
8. Head writer for The L Word
9. The Manicure Lady
10. the pantry chef at The Macaroni Grill I worked at for three years
11. a receptionist at the Ryan Center on 96th street
12. my 10th grade English teacher

And I'd open talking about my ire for said worker of said job and then find out like, well, wtf, could I do any better? You know? I wonder if it'd be harder to be Time Warner Customer Service than it would be to re-design OurChart (that's not the online magazine I refer to, but you know?).

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11. Also I think Prop 8 should be overturned and gay marraige legalized nationwide.

Okay, thanks for listening to my ideas. Let's get going to the Invention Convention! Bring legos and fruit punch please, thanks!

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xoxo
autowin.

Obvs I Cannot Leave the Apartment Again Until December at the earliest

So many things happening! Firstly, Carly's interview with Tinkerbell's favorite band Uh Huh Her is on Logo's NewNowNextMusic, watch it! Secondly, anyone who read Autowin back in the day may remember Rambo, my go-to het before [I stopped working at the lit agency and became an underperforming client of the agency instead and] Lozo came into my life. Rambo -- "Stephen" if you're nasty -- does Publishers Weekly's Soapbox this week and he mentions the Query Letter Drinking Game that Cameron and I wrote, and that makes me happy. Read it!

Thirdly, BIG weekend for me w/r/t leaving the apartment.

1) The Sex Blogger Calendar Release Party ! [photo of A;ex and I at the party, left, from calendar photographer Stacie Joy ]

I hear a lot of fun things happened at this party. Photographs suggest strippers, snacks, signings, and general revelry. I remember having a conversation with the good ppl from njoy.com -- they sponsored our calendar and sell a variety of delightful sexual toys on their superhot website -- and that they very gamely entertained my attempts at self-deprecation when I told them that although I hadn't yet plugged them and their fabulousness yet, I totally would, but that they shouldn't stress 'cause all my readers are poor and don't like sex. See, I thought that was funny at the time.

As I've mentioned about 500 times, I'm not exactly "outgoing," so when you combine my personality with "very very drunk" and "my BFF from Los Angeles just flew in yesterday and is here!" and even a guest appearance by LOZO and one of the random Jewish boys he carts around with him -- I apparently managed to ensconse myself into my own little world so thoroughly that the only person who asked me to sign their calendar is also in the calendar.

Maybe I was not recognized sans wig. Maybe I radiate hostility. You never know! When she asked me, I think I said something retarded about myself, like "that's not me," or 'I'm a virgin," or ... really it's all a big blur in my head 'til the part when we were at a diner w/Haviland, A;ex and A;ex's friend Colleen eating grilled cheese and french fries, a meal I probs should've consumed about five hours earlier.

I also recall chatting with my friends Morgan and Diane, seeing Caitlin Mae in a stewardess outfit, calling my Mom (deathiversary day), listening to a voice mail from my Grandma that made me cry and I had to step outside (thank G-d for Haviland obvs), and some woman telling us we couldn't sit at the Raffle table and the eternally kick-ass Jayme Waxman being like "whatevs, I am Wonder Woman, they can sit wherevs they want."

ANYHOW! The party was awesome, ladies got nekkid, the calendar is hot, Buy one! 100% of the proceeds go to Sex Work Awareness.

2) No on Prop 8 Rally!

Over 10,000 people came to this giant gathering of homosexual love at City Hall on november 15th, 2008, to protest the passing of Prop 8, and obvs A;ex, Haviland and I were among them. There's lots of reasons that a person might wish they were a bird. One of those is when you wanna know how big a protest is or where those voices are coming from. We discovered the latter when we chose to leave the masses to get a latte and find Carly, which's also when we realized how HUGE it was. An amazing inspirational mass of people who've come together for this cause and believe in it. We believe in it enough to come together all over the country for California.

This is serious, y'all, the times they are a'changin'. The intolerant people are gonna have to move to deserted islands, apparently there are lots of deserted islands all over the world, according to A;ex, this came up in a conversation about how I think I know everything but I don't. Allegedly.

Although I would've preferred the Dazzle Dancers performing for us as well as some Mormons to yell at directly, I tried to summon all the revolutionary spirit of my ancestors and yell at the choir just the same. Kim Stolz actually rocked the mike and I'm not just saying that 'cause I fancy her, and the signs obvs were amazing as I'm sure you've read. We didn't have a sign because we overslept (see: Sex Bloggers Party) and arrived fully prepared for a rainshower.

I just hope that we can make something happen, obvs, I heart the cause.

I mean everyone should marry who they want to, and anyone who disagrees with me --- well, I hate you. If you voted Yes on Prop 8, I'm sorry, I just hate you!

Tuesday Top Eight: Time, You've Got Me Running

Clearly I'll believe almost anything for at least a minute if you yell at me loud enough, but it's never been difficult to win me over re: the possibility that we're spiraling slowly/quickly into mass apocalyptic extinction -- especially after George W. took office. Then, last year; getting my nails manicured black, listening to Lavar Burton (from Reading Rainbow and Star Trek: TNG, two of my fave shows!) and James Earl Jones perform The Book of Revelation for "The Bible Experience" audiobook (I like to educate myself via i-pod during mani-pedi time) (I'm a weirdo), I looked outside at April's snow and thought "yup, we're totally in for it."

Luckily, I'm Jewish and don't believe in Revelation, and 'cause the Jews are Chosen I'll probs survive the apocalypse anyhow ... um ... I actually have 'the apocalypse' as a tag, which is telling ... Where was I? I'm sick. I used Carly's chapstick last night before confessing my sickness, so I've been trying to downplay my sickness since then to relieve the guilts I've got over that. Coincidentally, I'm also getting way better.

Sidenote, not related to apocalyptic anything -- in fact quite the opposite! -- we went to the NewNowNext Awards last night and Alex and I pretended to be real reporters (and Cait pretended to be a real cameraperson) for "The L Word Online," the video's gonna be kickass!! I just need to learn Final Cut. Erum today maybe? Look at Michelle Paradise and Tinkerbell! They're so cute and clearly in love!

"What's that, Tinkerbell? You wanna go to the awards with me?"
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Seriously, this video is going to be amazing! More about that later. Back to Top Ten Signs of the Apocalypse! I feel like this post is old-school autowin.
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... Right! Yesterday at the gym I was watching The View (cue endgame music) and all these ladies -- there's four of them, they're all shiny with serious hair and they are all Not Rosie -- agreed that the end is nigh. They were so casual about it. "Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised," etc.

Then I flipped the channel to MTV during a commercial and confirmed immediately that the world'll probs end in 2010 for sure.

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Tuesday Top Eight: Signs of the Apocalypse

8) My Super Sweet 16

The birthday girl hopes it'll be Usher, or someone like that, someone with a name like Skee-Lo or Lil' Romeo, and meanwhile in a gigantic clear wind tank labeled 'Daddy's Money,' other sixteen-year-olds have 20 seconds each to grab for dollar bills. Some kiss the money, some stuff it in their shiny white suits (they're all wearing white, it's a white party), omg, it's the musical guest -- but it's not Usher, it's two ballerinas. They're not wearing white, but they're graceful and talented and for the first time since the 45 seconds prior that I flipped to this channel to begin with, I'm actually interested. Something beautiful is actually happening.

The birthday girl disagrees -- she's horrified, "Oh my GOD this is so embarrassing, what was he thinking?!" she says. She's losing the crowd, her friends are giggling/whispering/aghast. She has failed to provide K-Fed or Kriss Kross. Her father slips into the background, avoiding the camera's reproach, as the birthday girl asks the DJ to stop the music right now, everyone hates it. "I'm here to party, not to see the like, ballet," one dude, the scent of money still fresh on his skin, laments. Anyhow, all is forgiven, her present pulls up outside: "Oh my God," a friend drops jaw for the camera. "She got a new Lexus. I'm so jealous."

All is forgiven. Let us rejoice!

I actually didn't know anyone who had a Sweet 16, is it normal to have one? I guess I went to a lot of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, though.

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7) Another Shot at Love With Tila Tequila

Ok so let's say hypothetically that you're in a swimming pool with a girl you fancy. There's approx. 50 others in the pool, one's named Glitter, the dudes are named Bo, Jay, etc. -- one-syllable words they'll later hurl at each other with the fury of a thousand tattoos of suns. Then, your fancied girl starts making out w/three other girls, and then she makes out with two other dudes, and then makes out with about 100 other people right there.

Would you:
a) Think "OMG, I love this girl, she's the one for me."
b) Try to start a fight with whomever's kissing her.
c) Boil over with jealousy because she is your one true love, you guys hung out for three minutes yesterday, it was awesome, you're in love, wtf.
d) Get out of the pool and be like, "this show isn't about bisexuality, it's about polyamory, which is totes fine, but also not my thing clearly as I've been brainwashed into believing she's my one and only soulmate, and also, Tila is dumb, I'm gonna go nap on that big-ass bed while all these losers duke it out in the pool."
e) Make like Ophelia and drown.

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6) Our Stummies Hurt

As a wee lassie, I'd call my stomach my "stummy." Get it? Stomach + tummy = stummy. It often hurt. Everyone's stomach often hurts. In fact, I don't know any woman who doesn't have some kind of serious stomach issue. I think this's 'cause the food industry's semi-evil. We eat crap, everything, unless we're just eating organic, which's expensive, and sometimes not organic. I love string cheese, sidenote. Maybe I'll have one right now. I try not to eat lunch-related foods before 11:15. That's when Fourth Hour starts at Interlochen, a.k.a first lunch period.

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"The world is ending out there and people are just getting cosmetic surgery and watching debutantes get screwed up the ass."
(Claire, Six Feet Under)

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5) OMG WTF LMAO ROFL

I read this article and my first thought was, OMG, if the Sex and the City movie is already sold out, I'm gonna be so pissed. THEN! I saw this, which is a timeline of when things'll go extinct in the future, and thought OMG, it's fate. Then I realized "I just thought 'OMG' twice and it's only 9:30. I've been awake since 7, when I awoke to cough. It was so much fun I figured I'd just stay up, and write nonsense all morning long. OMG. Blogging is supposed to go out in 2020, which is good, I'll probs run out of ideas by then. Or perhaps I already have!

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4) Save the Cheerleader, Save the World

I started watching Heroes last year 'cause Haviland wouldn't stop yapping about it. After Episode One I told her I couldn't go on, it was making me feel crazy -- believe in magical powers, especially w/r/t apocalypse prevention -- but I started watching again. I'm about six eps in. It's making me feel crazy again, but I'm at peace with that, 'cause it's just so good.

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3) My Requisite Angela Chase Moment

Things are one way, here's the evidence, things are another way, here's more. Write someone off, then back in, love them then hate them. It's easy, then, to make a case for just about anything ... for or against almost anyone. I'm gullible, sure, but I don't know many people strong enough in their convictions to never change their mind, or flip-flop. I used to think it was me -- I'm the one changing from one kind of person to another kind of person -- but now I think no; the facts can often line up neatly and eagerly on both sides no matter how still I stand, almost everyone's got a case, and no-one really knows what happened. The world is ending, it'll go on forever, it's ending in 2010, if we lived in Burma or Iraq, it's possible we'd feel it's already ended.

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2) Check this out:
Monday 12th - Tegan & Sara concert
Thursday 15th - Uh Huh Her in Philadelphia
Saturday 17th - Carly's housewarming (gay!), Alex's friend's rooftop b-day party (kinda gay!)
Monday 19th - Logo NewNowNext Awards
Tuesday 20th - Uh Huh Her in NYC

That's what I've been doing. Seriously, gayest.week.ever. After tonight I'm not leaving my apartment again until Ellen & Portia's wedding. This has nothing to do with the apocalypse, I just wanted to chat.

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1) Doesn't this feel like a countdown? Like now I'll be like, kazaam! Where's Will Smith?

But there's lots of reasons why the world might not be ending: like the gay marriage ban being lifted in California, or that right now most of my friends seem to be recovering from things rather than going through them. There's forgiveness still, and hope. There's misunderstanding, too, but also hoodies and lip gloss and kissing and Uh Huh HER.

You know how when you're sick, you hear everything like you're stuck inside a giant plastic bag? That's how I feel now, but it'll pass. It's like jittery and hollow and rainy, and made me write all this nonsense. Which is incoherent, but in my mind, has a thesis, maybe even five paragraph, and fireworks at the end.

For now, the world spins madly on. I'm hungry.

I Pull Up to the Front of Your Driveway With Magic Soaking My Spine (and Auto-Fun)

A night out: widespread potential for things to go wrong. For me, the moment I leave the safety of a designated shelter, I'm already on edge, thinking of the myriad missteps possible between the door of aforementioned shelter and the engagement in the promised fun. ("Fun" = the commonly agreed upon purpose of a night out).

These areas of potential failure include:
a) Entertainments (Good movie? Party full o' douchebags?)
b) Company (Friends, humor, value, tension, fights, lovers, diversity, desire, deflection, admiration, the whole spectrum of human emotion really.)
c) Food (Hunger, cravings, availability, economy.)
d) Intoxication (Level, type & sensation, result, how your stomach/head feels about it.)
e) Transportation (Form, comfort, cost, pleasure experienced en route, cabbie smelled/ruled.)
f) Economics (Cost more/less than expected, you saved twenty percent on car insurance, something inspiring a "priceless" away message on AIM happened, you were robbed at gunpoint.)
g) Special (Having your phone stolen would be an especially bad thing, getting hugged by Cam and Leisha at their initiative would be an especially good thing. Meeting the ex-love of your life in an unexpected but terrible place = bad. Meeting the love of your life = good)
h) Health (Are you tired? Are you allergic to the punch/cats? Did you get too drunk, or take up yoga? Or ... like, the proverbial yoga?)
i) Intellect (Did this event make you smarter somehow? Probs not, but you never know, I do enjoy a good poetry reading, I felt spiritually moved by Uh Huh Her the first time I saw them for real.)
j) Fashion (How did you look? Did you do the costume of the day? Did Haviland compliment your attire? Is your name "Tinkerbell," and were you wearing a pullover made out of Uh Huh Her briefs?)

Sometimes the stars align however, and all in one night -- you make it to your far-away location without pulling any U-Turns, despite Miss GPS's stern desire to re-calculate the route, run into a friend you haven't seen in forevs, enjoy the friends you're with, reach the perfect level of intoxication (giggly, but not about to crack one's skull on a glass table), drinks seem basically free compared to NYC, your cabbie actually waits outside of Wendy's -- for y'all to fulfill your specific 5-piece and fries craving (easily satisfied within blocks of final shelter!) -- just like you asked him to, Leisha and Cam say awesome mega-kind unexpected things about your video/your yous and are super-sweet all around, Tinkerbell gets her Uh-Huh-Her outfit signed, etc. I'm just saying ... such a thing is possible. Did we see Eric Mathew? No. But otherwise, Philadelphia, we're cool now. I call truce. Also, UHH, we still need to have a chat about tardiness.

Also "Special" is that North Star Bar in Philly had a gigantic fan upstairs, providing many opportunities for memory-making via photograph. Unfortunately we didn't see Rovermom, so I didn't have a chance to punch her in the face.

---

I have this idea that I take too long to write things. And I don't know if that makes me write better things, or just write things that are equally good (if not polished/refined) but in different ways.

---

Someone explain twitter to me. Why would I want people to keep tabs on me all the time, isn't that what stalking laws prevent? I just don't understand it.

I saw this on post secret and thought I'd put it here.
I like it.

---

I have notes, everywhere. I go through them to put things together and my mind boggles itself. What was I talking about? Here's a sample of a notebook page of material from yours truly, circa I'm not really sure, but I think at least two years ago?:

Under "heroes," I wrote "Mrs. Dalloway." Aspeth wrote "Captain Kangaroo." That's when I knew I loved her.

I didn't like him in the morning. Sometimes men reminded me of giant animal trees. Sad ones. This primal lust -- beast -- cut through way too quickly with its apology. It was in the moment between animal and apology where he lost me.

"She's not very bright, Marie. She's just beautiful and not bright and so totally ordinary."
"But she's got a really extraordinary ass."

face of faith - nellie mckay
melt your heart - jenny lewis
go your own way - snow and voices

Her friends were all angles, it turned out. She'd thought they were gelatinous, gooey things -- shifting & blending into each other ... forming better, stronger things. But no, it turned out, looking around the table - all points, points wanting to be made. and now.

"you are so lovely it makes me sad" -text message from a---.

-Veronica is from Florida.
-2BR apt w/a vegan drug dealer.
-Alice runs everywhere she's crazy like that

In middle school, the songs were our ideas. "Our song" -- an initiative, carried forth w/o support or input from our partners. We chose sweet pop ballads like "Hero" or "Groovy Kind of Love." First song we danced to, lyrical relevance. Our boyfriends were scrawny kids with awkward teeth, swallowed in skater pants; they listened to Nine Inch Nails.

"I got a lot of problems. I am very sick. I have a lot of problems, Miriam. I used to have a Camaro." (-Man in metropolitan hospital.)

All I had then, was a faint suspicion that I was more than this.

Me = "Long, lanky Olive Oyl type. Perverted in a good way." - Daphne

---

And in this spirit, I go on to the automatic "fun" of the day. This's been difficult to assemble, 'cause my internet has been completely spastic for about four days now, making life so insufferable that I actually subjected myself to making an outgoing phone call to fix the problem. I thought just now it was fixed via that magic trick that verizon people do when you call them that makes you look like a total idiot for even calling, but it turns out; totally not. I keep starting thoughts I can't finish, it's disorienting.

---

[Someone quoted this in the comments recently ... i couldn't find it ... then i was reading this blog just now and came across it, subsequently, the poem its from in poetry, and thought, this is something to say again ...]

**
quote: "What are you thinking?" She asks.
Light shutters across us. Wherever you are
in me I'm there, though it's not what you wanted."
(Phillip White, "Infidelity.")

---

links:
1) Speaking of the stars aligning; last week I randomly felt inspired to speak of Chris Farley. This week, Sam Anderson reviews a book about Chris Farley, (@nymag)
2) I just finished "Have You No Shame: And Other Regreattable Stories," but I'm not gonna talk about it 'til July, which's when I estimate I'll finish "Stuff I'm Reading: May" considering we're well into May and I've yet to do April ... anyhow, recommended. (@mediabistro)
3) A poem for Michigan, the Midwest : "A Primer," by Bob Hicok. "February/ is thirteen months long in Michigan. / We are people who by February / want to kill the sky for being so gray / and angry at us. 'What did we do?' is the state motto." (@the new yorker)
4) "Dear Writing, a love/hate letter" (@lusty lady)
5) Audacia's got a video clip now of her standing up for sex worker rights during the spitzer hoo-ha on CNN (@waking vixen)
6) Janice Erlbaum: "Remember when I used to talk about myself all the time. I kind of don't feel like it any more." (@girlbomb)
7) The Top 12 Jews in Cinema (@nerve.com)
8) "Another person chimed in: 'Do you like fag porn? All my queer female friends do.'": Girls Love Gay Porn (@the village voice)
9) It's possible, apparently, that instant messaging is not harming teenager's language skills but rather represents "a linguistic renaissance." Includes LOL statistics. (@the new scientist)
10) Anyhow, yay! Gays can marry in California! (@nytimes)
11) Also, I updated autostraddle! Kinda ...

Auto-Fun, Etc., for a Great Bright Beautiful Tomorrow :: 5-15-2008

A'ight ... first off a brief Autowin PSA. This'll be like a Lozo PSA, except without the big-girl bashing ... or like a TV PSA ... except I'm certainly not about to tell you "don't do drugs," that'd be boring. Do drugs, come on, you only live once, and you defo only overdose like 2-3 times, max. No seriously. Also, I won't tell you who to vote for (*cough* Obama), or if you should choose recycled or unrecycled paper. I'm gonna talk about myself. That's right. Mememeememe. For a change.

I don't talk about this stuff, because I think it's on my Top Ten list of lame things to talk about ... but, although my friends enjoy mocking me (as per their writings [(1) OMG Stef's cartoon recap is up! LOLZ!] and recent comments), the truth is ... I'm a big huge rockstar, and whomevs wants to yell at me on the street (please use only my rockstar name, Van Halen) (Haha! I'm so funny! I mean, Automatic Win!) should go for it. It fuels my big rockstar ego and I'm totes used to it. Later, me and Penny Lane and the other girls, we go down to the river, and we see our friends at the record store.

No fo'reals reals, as at least 4-5 people can attest but really only I can say for sure ('cause only I receive my ingoing and outgoing correspondences with excellent verbal and oral communication skills), I do from time to time receive emails/comments, or hear people know about me from friends, or witness real live-conversations regarding recognizing me ... and sometimes also people talk to me! In public!

It's more likely, however, that I'll get an email the next day, probs 'cause I talk about my social awkwardness often, therefore I: a) have socially awkward readers, b) have non-socially awkward readers who don't know how to talk to someone who's already explained 100 times that they don't know how to talk, period. Therefore, they don't wanna talk to me 'cause they don't wanna risk a panic attack or, really, anything involving me responding in "not the cowboy way" or in a way not evident of the aforementioned rock stardom. c) I'm not a very exciting person to meet, 'cause I'm weird/not actually a rockstar.

I remember I the first blogger I really read was waking vixen, and I'd see her places but never say anything, because I'm a weirdo. Then she posted a post saying, "Hey, if you see me, say hello," or something to that effect. I'm certainly not going to go that far -- if you see me, feel free to say hello, but also, feel free to say nothing, or to write later, though I'm bad at writing back (I'm better at passive forms of procrastination, like "reading emails") ...

Anyhow, this was leading to some sort of point ... oh! I'm sure about 25% of you are socially less awkward than me, and actually might consider yelling at me on the street, and I just want to be sure that no one is deterred form doing so in the future by thinking it's a revolutionary act based on all the recent chatter. 'Cause it's funny, and awesome, and rocks like a rockstar.

Oh also, from my top ten favorite second-hand stories ... someone asked my roommate, upon her reveal that auto-win was her roommate, if I was "that crazy in real life." (Yes!) (No!)

Anyhow, I have the whole "omg, it's so awkward," routine down pat, I do the same thing every time, it's actually a whole new kind of lame. It's much easier w/Haviland, 'cause she's good at conversational arts. Also, you can just throw money at me, or yourself/your body. The latter option has offered thus far a 100% success rate.

If I'm out in public, chances are, I'm already drunk, and therefore vulnerable to your wanton affections. This is how I always end up in an alley somewhere, up to my elbows in won-tons. Like the soup!

OK, that's all. Really, only 20 people read this blog, the rest of the commenters are just me jerking around. That doesn't fly for The L Word Online, I'm not taking responsibility for 75% of those commenters, but also, I'm not certain they read my recaps, I think they just have a lot of Bettina related feelings they want to share ASAP.

--

On youtube, "Videos being watched right now ..." is like 'everything that is wrong with the world. Terrible pop star, bloody sports, emo tree, something involving glitter, girl with her red thong panties around her ankles. Ta-da, this is America!

--

I've been thinking lately about increasing leisure -- remembering a time before I was determined to exist with 150% productivity at all times and never be at rest. As long as I haven't finished (or started) the proverbial book (which really exists on a symbolic level at this point), haven't paid off my debt, or had seven babies and eaten pickles with cream cheese in my bunny slippers, I haven't earned leisure (the latter doesn't count as "leisure," 'cause even though there's slippers, I'm preparing for birthing ritual). Howevs, I've decided that I'm going to take unearned leisure from now on, to prevent losing my mind.

Sidenote: Hanging out w/a friend counts as "doing something" 'cause "hang out with ____" is one of the things you can put on your to-do list and then cross off right away, I like to have as many of those things as possible. E.g., "email Mom," and then I'm like, omg, just did!

Speaking of Leisure ... tonight, Philadelphia here we come! A;ex and Cait and I are heading to Uh Huh Her. We're a bit worried that Rovermom might be there, and if so, I'd like to let her know especially that emailing the next day is fine, let's not throw punches.

---

Auto-Fun!With your host, me, the girl that writes this little blog.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
*
quote: "When I was 28, four or five years after I quit playing music, I married a postmistress. Because she was pretty. Because she was sweet and she loved me. So that we could have two sons who could both be drummers like their dad. For those reasons. But also so I wouldn't have to wait for my mail. Because there's a letter coming, a letter from the actor James Dean. And here's what it will say: If the life you lead is not the one you dreamed about, then flee." (Rick Moody, "The James Dean Garage Band.")

---

links:

@ Granta: (2) Web Habits of Highly Effective People. A.L. Kennedy, who I mentioned before 'cause he wrote my least favorite story in The Book of Other People says, "I don't blog or Facebook. If I want to write, I'd rather do it to some kind of definable end."

He's got a point. But it's funny that it's him, specifically, making this point -- the author responsible for that story I hated -- howevs, I did preface my dislike with my recognition of the fact that A.L Kennedy is more successful than I'll ever be.

Now I'm blogging about blogging about hating Kennedy's story 'cause Kennedy himself said --in an article I'm blogging about right now -- that not-blogging is the secret to his success, and if that's not meta, then, well, I QUIT. Also, someone make up a abrev for "meta," STAT, I've got monkeys to save. The tornado isn't going to stop on its own accord.

Also, via the same Granta piece ... Maud Newton's (3) detailing of her ADD-writing habits, which reminded me of my own, almost exactly. I relate to Amanda Gersh's habits. Oh, Granta, how perfect this piece is for me today! A success! Unlike me, much like A.L Kennedy.

'Cause I have this theory? [cue Angela Chase theme music] That my time managment issues relate to me being my own boss. My own motivator. It's hard to come up with daily self-motivation. Probs all the world feels this way, which's why other people work at the dairy queen & are closely supervised at all times. Clearly I'm too hard on myself, and deserve a pat/rub on the back.

More on reading habits & styles at (4) Light Reading.

Obvs I like to limit my perusal of book criticism to one author and one author only, Uh Huh Her, I mean, Sam Anderson, but (5) I love any reviewer who opens with: ""Bright Shiny Morning" is a terrible book." Usually I think all book sales are good for publishing and therefore won't bash authors, but James Frey is not good for publishing, bash away.

My internet's been in and out all day -- I'd rather just have it or not, this way's such a tease. The articles are taking full hours to load, it's pretend dial-up. I write an email, and 40 minutes later, it sends! It reminds me of downloading songs overnight many moons ago ... sticking in a CD to burn, leaving home for a semester, then returning to find it: Ree's Hot Mix, Happy Hannukah to ME!

OMG, the plus-sized girl won on (6) America's Next Top Model! Oh, it's a hoax, obvs, everyone knows plus-sized models aren't real, like unicorns and fraggles.

Critical Mass has an (7) interview with Jeff Gordiner on his book "How Generation X is Saving the World." And he includes this Borges quote, which I love:

quote #2: "A man who cultivates his garden, as Voltaire wished/He who is grateful for the existence of music./He who takes pleasure in tracing an etymology./Two workmen playing, in a cafe in the South, a silent game of chess./The potter, contemplating a color and a form./The typographer who sets this page well though it may not please him./A woman and a man, who read the last tercets of a certain canto./He who strokes a sleeping animal./He who justifies, or wishes to, a wrong done him./He who is grateful for the existence of Stevenson./He who prefers others to be right./These people, unaware, are saving the world." (Borges, "The Just")

Let's finish up:
(8) The Chicago Tribune insists that "no man" should be forced to sit through the Sex and the City movie. Stef, Cait and I had a serious team meeting last week regarding the fact that we've already put May 30th in our calenders and have been looking into getting tickets online. Errr/Durrr. (@the chicago tribune)
(9) I'm still not entirely certain why people la-la-la-love these Nintendo Wii machines, but apparently they can now also work out?: "Wii Fit" (@ny times)
(10) Science has confirmed that all the neurotic people live in New York City and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call "bringing it back around." Thank you and goodnight. (@the boston globe)

Under Feet Like Ours, Under Vlogs Like Ours, Uh Huh ... Her.

On Monday night we went to see a music show featuring the band Tegan & Sara, it was quite delightful. I adore Tegan & Sara all over: music, witty banter, stage presence. Natalie remarked, "This is the best rock 'n roll concert I've ever been to!" I'm not gonna divulge how many concerts she claimed to have attended (en total) in her entire life, I'm hoping she may've been exaggerating for dramatic effect on that, like I often do. We've been besties since college, therefore we share some key personality traits, e.g., a tendency to spark up a story with a little glimmer of fiction. On a scale of 1 to 10, this particular post is written at a USA Today reading level. There will be a powerpoint presentation and short video after class, in the meeting room, with danishes. xoxo gossip girl.

I've got a lot of shallow vapidity to cover today, so on with it, yes.

Okay so; Tinkerbell didn't go to T&S, which was valuable foresight, 'cause we all accidentally wore brightly colored hoodies from the same store -- therefore, we already looked like the M&M's Street Team (or the Tellitubbies) and would've looked ridic w/the added element of comedy/childhood/dymensia implied by the tote-age of a stuffed de-strapped dog sporting American Airlines wings.

Luckily, Tink makes plenty of appearances in our latest vlog, which covers the following topics: durrrrr.

Honestly; I think I used all our best footage on the first one, recklessly, w/o any consideration for the future. Perhaps 'cause at that time I had bleak overall feelings about the future. Then, yesterday, I decided instead of hating everyone per always, I'd just love everyone! Really, I mean, it's just as fair/unfair.

Then, only hours after making that new life choice, I was forced to reconsider: some people enjoy, it seems, screaming along to Tegan & Sara's already quite harmonic melodies, therefore reminding me both why I hate everyone and of sing-a-longs in Kindergarten and on Sesame Street. I get the desire -- I do it sometimes too. But you don't need to SCREAM sing along, this isn't System of a Down or heavy metal rockers, they're quite lovely w/o your harmonies. I've seen the Indigo Girls live a bazillion times, so I know from sing-a-longs.

I think it's possible we're getting too old for this -- my companions agreed. Therefore, we'll have to pack the next couple years as full to the brim with this kind of activity as possible.

But really: the concert was awesome, there was loads of witty banter, and I enjoyed spending quality time with Cait, Alex, Stef, Natalie, Chase & Ang and Ms. Jackson. I'd talk about the concert, but how do you talk about concerts, I think that's like dancing about architecture, right? I think I said that last time, but then tried to write about it anyhow, and I imagine whatever I said last time goes for this time too -- I love them, they played this and that song, omg, are you jealous do you wish you'd been there omg. They told lots of cute stories, unfortunately Carly was not there and therefore I had no one to tackle when they played "Living Room," so we all left relatively unscathed. There was heaps of witty banter, like a story for every song, like Raffi! Super-cute.

Maybe Stef will do a cartoon recap?

Afterwards, someone tried to pass off a flier about some other place we could party at (unfortunately, I'd surpassed my daily allotment of "other people time" about four hours prior, also: sleepy sloos time) and Alex whooped and gave them a high-five. We inquired re: whooping, she looked dejectedly at the flier and said: "I thought it said MADONNA, not MONDAY."


So anyhow, we made this vlog. Believe it or not -- 'cause we do enjoy talking about the same things over and over again, and you might think I'm recycling old footage -- this vlog contains 100% all-new never-before-seen footage. Topics include: global warming, the health care system, Encyclopedia Brittanica, Fellini films, your Mom, truth in memoir, flying lesbians, how to get a date with Haviland, dancing lessons from Alex, the United Nations, world peace, and the proper position of second-wave feminist discourse within the modern fourth wave pro-sex feminist movement. JK, it's about nothing at all whatsoever.


Speaking of videos! Leisha & Cam have debuted their video for us (part of the Uh Huh Her SXSW Video Contest Winning Prize Package), and you can watch it here ! Obviously, they were held up in post-production -- special effects, animation, etc. Anyhow, clearly we'll be collaborating in the near future, 'cause I am really good at following people around and talking to strangers. No but honestly, wouldn't that be awesome! I'd be like "Alice, what the frickin' frack?" JK, totally professional, obvs.

Mark All As Auto-Read

I have 454 unread items on my Google Reader, it's probs like how the pioneers felt in 1752 returning from their Oregon Trail vaycay to a huge stack of unanswered telegrams. I can attribute 41 of these unread posts to Stef's shared items and 48 to mediabistro, but still.

It's kinda funny 'cause, like I said, two weeks ago I'd been writing a post about taking a break from blogging but I never finished/posted it, and then the real world kept shifting, like going through stages, 1. mean & tragic & unpredictable, 2. lonely, unhinging, unstable, 3. sunshiney & safe & sad/optimistic, 4. unreal, 5. the yet to be defined but hopeful present. So before I knew it, I'd taken a break from blogging by accident, like sometimes I'd forget I had a blog at all, though strangely I never forgot facebook. Probs 'cause facebook is HOW I REALLY FEEL.

Beautiful things have happened too, and I feel I've gained back some people I didn't have a few weeks ago, and, well, oh, the internets ... is a lot ... this has been known to happen.

Hey, remember when I didn't win "Lesbian Blogger of the Year"? Well, luckily Crystal thinks I'm Lesbian Blogger of the Year anyhow, 'cause she sent me a Dyke Duck. Also, the Uh Huh Her Prize Pack has arrived, although the video hasn't yet materialized. Probs 'cause Leisha has a lot of feelings about/for me:

*
i. Now I Will Pay Attention to My Google Reader: Live-Blogging Auto-Fun

My hero for life: Four Four's Recap of America's Next Top Model. I'd begun free-falling off planet secretly before the Dirty Girls reading, fo'real afterwards, and now let's catch up: AVN write-up, book release party in San Francisco. This photo from my reading; Stephanie looks beautiful, I look insane. I'm not being self deprecating, I really do look insane.

Oh! Wanna watch our vlog again, but on Haviland's page? Elsewhere amongst "VIP" label; Stef also finds that she'd like to lie more often than she does, 'cause honesty is a real bitch. Lozo's posted 16 times, and I'd give him Most Reliable Unpaid Blogger of the Year Award if it wasn't 75% videos (two girls kissing!) I wouldn't say this if he hadn't bitched about me not blogging. I just used the word "blogging" like ten times in a row so now I've gotta punish myself by spraying Glade in my eyeballs.

She always reminds me of me but younger and closer to mountains and in some ways braver. I don't know what to do about that, at all, so I do what I do which is wrong. I like this: "I feel like we're married, like I need a really really really good reason to ask for divorce, better than I'm tired of you, better than you make me scream without even doing anything necessarily wrong." Speaking of girl-children in faraway places who're wise beyond their years, Moonkiller's blog is one year old! She already knows everything there is to know.

"Mark all as read" is satisfying. I don't need all this Elegant Variation, NewPages, Critical Mass, Mediabistro. I need this Bookslut ... later. Is it May? Does anyone still trust me to relay a perspective on reality? Do I live your nightmares for you? Sometimes we all feel like this at once. Sometimes we don't read about it 'til it's over. Oh ... and. Scene. Eric Mathew to himself: what can I do today to win the hearts & minds of the lesbian community.

Oh ... and wow, and oh, and: this: Now this, the / dreaming breathing body / lying right beside / my own, just think -- ("The World of the Senses," by Franz Wright). The New Yorker's unofficial theme, this week, seems to be "Poems to Break Your Heart." "The God of Loneliness," "Grief." Fuck. I love poetry. I know that's like saying I love food. So I'll clarify; I love good poetry. More than almost anything, except kissing, laughter, and string cheese.

OMG, my agent, who probs wonders why she's still my agent considering I've yet to produce any material worth selling (but man, I sure do talk about it!) wrote a new post.

Sometimes there's people who've known me since I got here, and I get too embarassed to talk to them again and admit I keep making the same mistakes over and over. And then; how I don't think they're actually mistakes. I say: "I'll never trust anyone again," but then I laugh, "Yeah I will. I will. Over and over, I will."

Haviland was just talking to me about The Sound and The Fury and now she is, and also, this Phillip Glass opera; I must see it.

While sans-internet in Malibu, we were forced to settle arguments the old-fashioned way, like cavemen, with buffalo-killing competitions. Like; Cait said Polaroids were going extinct. I called nonsense; slogreenx says Cait auto-wins.

Note to all ye 12-year-olds: back in the day, when I walked ten miles to & from school, uphill both ways, we had cameras called Polaroids. Magic photos shot out right away, you wrote on them. Once we had a Polaroid Gallery Opening in our apartment, apparently I made a graphic about it once, don't know why:

Note to all ye newborns: you're really missing out, growing up in a world w/o Polaroids. Also good job on already knowing how to read.

Also speaking of lesbians I love them. Via Alex's shared items, and its respective cute user icon: more on feelings.

OK, I have like 184 items left, but I can't, I'm tired.

Some other things I'd like to bring to your attention:
1. Sam Anderson's feature on Augusten Burroughs, memory, life, everything: 'The Memory Addict"
2. The Anorexic's Cookbook, by Rachel Shukert, at nerve.com.

*

ii. Promise I'll Be Perfect From Now On

"You say that you're broken,
I just wanna fix you.
Tell me what to do, and baby I will listen."
-Uh Huh Her

Sometimes I wish life didn't have rules. I mean, because it does, you know? History's proven certain ideas good, others bad. Sometimes, it's fun to break the rules, but also, if you keep breaking things (e.g., rules) you'll end up alone w/o things. Or, rather, you'll just have many broken things, what do you do with broken things? Fix them. Leave them. Hold all their broken pieces. A combination of all three.

There's 10,000 children in Ethiopia who'd beg to have problems so ridiculous as mine.

There are so many people that I love and late at night all my mixed feelings fade away and I wish they were all here, even the ones that hurt me so badly I thought I'd never breathe again -- no -- especially them. Sometimes I want everyone so bad I could fuck or hit them all. It's like my heart turns honest at 1 A.M. Sometimes, in the winter, B. and I would get off the phone by one of us declaring; "I'm over this day. I think I wanna go to sleep, just so it'll be over," and the other responding "Totally. Over this day."

Below this sentence are a million other sentences. Perhaps later, like tomorrow or the next day, I'll publish them. But right now ... gtg, kiddos, mermaids await. There is fun to be had, and trees we've yet to live in ... for real. Wheeeeeee!!!!

I've Been Doing Circles I'm Taken I Am Yours I am Doing VLOGS I Collapse

Last week, I wrote an opus-y piece regarding my super-important feelings on blogging, identity crises, true sentences, feeling unhinged, instant gratification vs. real literature, returning to the deep yearnings of my soul (books, print, tangible words, small silent private lives), feeling slightly insane w/o my anti-anxiety meds, wanting to call a team meeting with my head, and other very world-shatteringly important milestones of the twentysomething apspirant's Search for Self. I read this and this and this and this. Then, instead of finishing this navel-gazing epic [or anything] I pulled a MeMeMeMe and, per Haviland's request -- busted this pop stand for sunnier skies. I was lucky enough to be able to escape: clean blue sky, those lappy waves, long roads through mountains and along ocean, sandy feet, and an internet-free home. I hacked at my ars poetica while in the air on my way .. then I realized; why I am I spending so much time writing about how I need to spend more time writing/reading, when clearly I should just be writing/reading? So that's what I did.

I still don't know the answers to most of the questions I've been asking myself, and every day there seem to be more questions. I don't know.

One thing is pressing, then something else presses harder. Our brains only have room for one thing at a time. Also I'm still chillin' in this self-consciousness fog, trying to shake irrational insults/judgments that wound deeper than they oughta, but this is me, this is me, this is me, calm down, I'm calling you to say I'm capsized erring on the edge of safe, calm down I'm calling back to say I'm home now and coming around .. since returning, I see that maybe life is simply limbo, from now on, let's only speak in invisible ink. You go first.

In times like this, only one person and one thing can make you post again during a self-imposed hiatus ... and that's my dearest BFF Haviland Stilwell and her love of and natural talent for The Vlog. So ladies and gentleman, I present to you the longest vlog ever, starring Haviland Herself.

This blog features Haviland P. Stillwell herself, along with Cait's laughter in the backgorund, and some clips from a vlog that Alex and I tried to do but then gave up after about two minutes. There's also a few flashbacks. It's an epic, like Gone with the Wind. Topics discussed include drama, comedy, tragedy, the meaning of life, very important arguments of modern literary theory, and gymnastics. Oh right and flying lesbians. And; briefly .. the riese & haviland true hollywood story, Cait & I's phone call from Leisha Hailey, Los Angeles, etc.




Soundtrack:
0. Intro: Tupac /California Love
1. "Haviland & Riese: The True Hollywood Story" : Melissa Ferrick / The Breakup Song
2 "Oh Fans oh Fans" : Once on this Island / Waiting for Life
3. "Mini-Feed Me" : The Cure / Pictures of You
4. "Fiction vs. Reality" : Uh Huh Her / Explode
5. "I Do Not Know Who I Am" : The Who/ Who Are You