[Disclaimer: This thing needs to be proofread like WHOA, will do in the morning/afternoon.]
Unfortunately for me and my dark dark soul: no, it was packed tight with douchetards, the music was way more Hootie than Ozzie. We went somewhere else, it was awesome, life is awesome, I could never live in this city, there's a lot of pearls and Republicans. I've been here many times, and on recent trips I just feel like I'm in enemy territory. Apparently, according to Hav and Cait, it's unwise for me to keep yelling "Praise Allah!" in public. Whatevs, Shalom, Republicassholes.
I can't imagine a job in D.C anyone'd hire me to do [cash register at the HRC shop? They've got cute Marc Jacobs and Heatherette tees, seriously, buy one!], but regardless: absolutely could not live here right now. I'd considered Georgetown once, but when I visited, my friend advised against it. She said all the guys were ugly and wanted to be politicians or news anchors, and all the girls just wanted to marry them. She said it was grey all the time.
So Cait, Haviland and I started talking about where else in America I could never live. Then I had to write a Top Ten, so here we are.
MAJOR AMERICAN CITIES I'VE BEEN TO THAT I COULD TOTALLY NEVER LIVE IN FOR THE PURPOSES OF LIVING MY ACTUAL LIFE
FOR A PERIOD OF AT LEAST ONE YEAR
First of all, if you live in any of these cities, I'm sure you're very nice and your city is secretly awesome, because you're reading this, and people who read this are the best kind of people. In fact, many of you do live in these cities. I know this 'cause I've got a sitemeter, though it thinks I live in Virginia, so who knows, maybe by "Cincinnati" they mean "Bangladesh."
Second of all, I'd live just about anywhere if I was building houses or helping people, even in D.C. I'd live in D.C to teach kids to read or make birdhouses. OK, mostly I'm talking about New Orleans -- obvs I'd live there if I was building houses or feeding people or performing juggling for people w/o houses, but I couldn't live my normal life there.
Cait suggested a major city in Alaska for a spot on this no-go list, because it's always dark, but I love the dark. As I've mentioned, I'm a vampire and I find dark days verify my negative attitude. Also, everyone's cuter in the dark, dark come soon. I can't stand the rain. This Merlot is supposed to taste like ripe plum, maybe they mean "ripe bum." I don't like intense heat or locales where people are always wearing bikinis. I hate New York, it's unbearable, but I love it too, it's beautiful, so what can you do?
Also, I love Disneyworld, seriously, I love visiting Florida and surfing on the sandy beaches. Just wouldn't want to live there.
8. Oklahoma City
on Wikipedia to verify my facts and learned that apparently people do live in Detroit and it's on the up-and-up, which's awesome because in addition to losing sleep thinking about the state of the publishing industry and what'll happen if musicians run out of melodies, I spend a lot of time worrying about Detroit. I just can't believe how empty so much of it is, and how badly the automotive industry's outsourcing has affected what was apparently a once extremely prosperous city. Anyhow, before I learned that somehow I've managed to miss every populated area of Detroit proper on my 10,000 trips there (Also: I'm not counting suburban Detroit, which is super-duper populated, obvs, my Moms live there, clearly, and also Somerset Mall, also a lot of annoying Jewish girls, I can say that, I'm Jewish. Also: if you think you've been there you probs haven't, the suburbs are where the Pistons play, and the aiport.) I'd written the following: it'd be hard to live here 'cause there's not much housing anymore, it's like ghost-city, all depressing dirty streets and blown-out buildings, remnants of the '67 race riots and the GM factory shut-downs. Honestly to geek out for a minute; I'm utterly completely OBSESSED WITH DETROIT. I'm intrigued by its downfall, its rapid ruin, the fact that white flight's enabled suburbs to thrive while the urban fabric crumbles and crumbles and then; crumbles. One of many interesting things about Detroit is [still here? still listening?] is Woodward Ave, where I've been many-a-time for concerts or shows at the Fox, it's nice and busy, about five solid blocks of bustling commerce. But literally one block further east or west and you are in a completely dark scary ghost town where most of the buildings are literally abandoned, just giant empty buildings.
This website's got a really through visual archive of Detroit's ruin, I find it endlessly interesting.
There's a pretty hot music scene in Detroit (seriously, like punk, techno, indie rock stuff), and one sumer night we came in for a Saturday Looks Good to Me show at this hot bowling alley venue, then went to Mexicantown for dinner and on the way home it was raining so bad the streets were flooding, but we sped through in Jake's bright red mini-van and the puddles splashed up against our windows like a car wash. It was like driving through Haunted House/Splash Mountain.
But seriously, there's not a lot of places to live there anymore, so I'd either be living on the streets drinking Mad Dog from a paper bag or with Eminem in his trailer. That's fine, trailers are hard-core and portable, probs bigger than most NYC apartments, but Eminem has serious issues.
6. Salt Lake City
5. Houston and/or Dallas
3. Las Vegas
2. New Orleans
Anyhow, see disclaimer above, I'd live in NOLA if it was in a helping-people situation, just not to like, live normal life.
1. Washington, D.C.
In any event, it's been a fabulous weekend, we walked a million miles today. The city's essentially deserted on account of the holiday, it wasn't that cold, and I like just being away, from my little emo cave, and everything. Love this hotel. We'd all like to live here and be little Eloises, just bathe and wear white bathrobes and drink coffee and eat fruits and things. So good to chill w/Cait and Haviland, who're both tucked neatly into bed and sleeping while I type away like a lunatic.
It's been such a strange fucking year. It's funny; my animosity towards D.C isn't so violent as it was a few months ago, it's like, everything is a mess, what do we do? Pick up pieces, move on. Look forward. I've got hope there'll be space in the clear on the other side for a reconciliation of some kind for this effin country and I'm praying that that isn't all there'll be room for ... we do small things, here and there, press on, wait for the next joke and laugh at it, we crescendo, we dance. We wait for the next joke, even when it's on us. I feel like laughter's pretty pure. There's lots of pure pretty lovely awesome things actually, and friends. I look at New York and I wonder how she does it.