Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Sunday Top 10: Don't Date Me. Wink Wink.

Going outside in this weather requires at least 10 layers of clothing (or one winter jacket, for those of you who choose the "easy way out") and insanity begins it's hold on your brain around Block Five of your trek to the subway station (muttering to yourself, cursing imaginary gods, telling people you love Jesus but you drink a little, etc.). That means that if you want someone to come over and play with your hair and tell you how pretty you are, you will need a girlfriend/boyfriend (The only people who make extended treks through ice and snow to get to Other People are people who are hoping, at some point, that this "Other Person" will have his or her head between the Trekker's thighs. Furthermore, if you live in Sheepshead Bay or Ohio, the Trekker would also hope that the Other Person has Oral Skills)--and this is a tough time to get one, because most people are Gay, Straight AND Taken. Everyone is staying together at least until April, when girls start wearing shorts again.

Around Valentine's Day, people get extra-interested in each other's dating status. If I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend, my single-hood is usually easy to explain:

1. I don't want a relationship right now
2. I've got this good thing going with my ex? He still tells me I'm pretty, we have sleepovers, and he helps me move, but he's agreed not to talk about his "feelings" or "where this is going"?
3. I've got this good thing going with someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend? But I promised not to talk about it.
4. I've made zero effort to obtain one. (Maybe a .5 effort, if myspace browsing counts) I mean, I don't even like, "go out." Like, ever.

This year, we are looking at Number 4. Haviland thought it would be "fun" if I did a Top Ten Reasons why you should be my girlfriend. But I thought that might be too obvious and I don't want to dissuade potential Valentines. It's sneakier to just get them in your ring and then pounce like a tiger. Then Karen suggested REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

So: I went to a private school for "gifted" students for grades 6-8. The Most Bad-Ass Thing the boys ever did was secretly play Magic the Gathering under the table and the Most Bad-Ass Thing the girls ever did was when we stole Ho-Hos from the vending machine. Our health teacher, who I'll call "Barb," wore 50’s-style cat-eye glasses, frumpy polyester skirts and scuffed velcro sneakers with athletic knee socks. Barb’s most noted fashion trademark, however, was the one inevitably un-buttoned button of her antique blouse, revealing her brasserie. Barb gave us condoms and bananas and showed us Mystery Science Theater 2000 versions of Sex Ed videos and raved about how much fun it was to have sex with her husband. That vision haunted us. We didn’t want to have sex anymore.

So I'm thinking if reverse psychology squelched any sexual activity happening in middle school (or else we were all just kinda ugly then, and had a lot of metal in our mouths), then it should probably also work on girlfriends.

Also, I have no time, and since I never write about my dating life or anything, and since I've got a list of "things that are wrong with me" pretty much at the forefront of my paleolithic skull, this should be easy to whip out. Fast. (Side note: I ramble when I go quickly. If you haven't noticed already)


10. I Have a Thing With Penetration. Of Your Ear. With My Wet Finger.
I've had this problem (a compulsive desire to submit my companions to wet willies) for about 6-7 years now. After her 25th subjection to this childlike attack, Haviland suggested: "I think you have a thing with like, penetration." (true) But it's really hard for me to lie in bed next to someone (read: really, ANYONE) in a non-sexual situation (read; not actively HAVING sex, though if we've JUST had sex, it's totally fair game) and not try to stick my finger in their ear. I don't know why. When I dated [redacted], he woke me up with a high-quality sneak-attack wet willie on the first night he slept over and I was like "Holy shit, you've been sent here by G-d to reek vengeance on me for all my sins of the past." That turned out to be true in many ways.

9. I Don't Do: Relationships, Sleepovers, Brunch, "Talking on the Phone," Feelings.

Unless um, I like you a lot. Then I'll do all of those things except brunch. Unless you're cooking it. Or I am.

8. I've Got Some Tight Girl-Friends (Just Friends!) Who I Often Prioritize. And I Might Call Them While You Are in the Bathroom.

Let me quote my spice girls, who once said: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." By "get," they mean "enjoy the company of." If you actually "got" with my friends, like in the biblical sense, I'd probably hack into your myspace account and post comments on the pages of your Top 8 encouraging them to try this great new diet drug that helped you lose a few pounds. Also, because this is the community on which "the chart" was based, I'd be surprised if you haven't already "got"ten with my friends. And I mean that biblically.

7. I'm Bisexual

I'm bisexual. That's pretty much irrelevant. But according to the Big Bi Survey I am currently conducting, only 16.4% of bisexual women (I have almost 400 responses so far) DISAGREE with the statement "Lesbians don't want to date bisexual girls," and 63% agree with that statement. I mean, sure, I'm slutty, flighty, confused, deranged, homicidal, insane, likely to leave you for a man, likely to initiate a threesome, likely to be in transition to gay or straight, totally likely to really want to date a man and a woman both at the same time, because otherwise how on earth could my perverted appetites be satisfied, but like, so what? Rita Mae Brown used a handgun to blow out the rear window of Martina Mavratilova's BMW. So you homos have your own issues, k?

6. Sometimes Dating Me is Sort of Like Becoming a Fictional Character

You will immediately become a part of The Automatic Win World. That means you will be photographed, quoted, described, and flattered, 2-3 times a week, right here on this blog. You will be expected to comment. On the up-side, if we stop seeing each other, I won't bitch about you or mention a breakup. I will continue to speak of you only when appropriate, e.g. a yearly quotes round-up, appropriate photograph, when describing your assault on my ears with your finger (see "[redacted]" in "10").

5. I Like the Stairmaster More than I Like You.

There are not many things that can come between me and my date with The Gym. The best way to avoid this conflict is to book 24-48 hours ahead of time, because then we're good to go. But as soon as I've decided to go to the gym on a particular day, I'm going. A "Day-Of" surprise will not be accepted, unless it involves: 1. Famous People, 2. Copious Amounts of Free Things And/Or Money, 3. Fame, 4. Tickets to an Amazing Event.

This shouldn't be complicated, really. But most people want someone to talk them out of going to the gym (e.g. "Skip the gym, baby, let's go have brunch insteadddd...."), so my partners are often surprised by my resolute and firm insistence (and my firm BOD). The thing is, it's got nothing to do with my body. It just pumps up my endorphins and helps my fibromyalgia, which you probably haven't even heard of, so there.

4. I Really Believe That Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder.

I actually go slightly insane when I get manicures because I can't read at the same time because I can't use my fingers, which means I am doing NOTHING at all besides just having my fingers painted (podcasts have fixed this problem). This is just to say that I like to pack each moment with as much activity as possible.

Because I'm a little obsessed about: 1. Time Management and 2. My Alone-Time. I like being Alone. I always have work to do.

This is kind of irritating to others, and I'm working on it.

Also, if I'm like, "in love," then this rule can be adjusted slightly. Somewhere between "slightly" and "completely."

Bonus: long-distance relationships are totally fine with me.

3. I Can Be a Little Annoying about Restaurants, Though Most of My Friends Are Equally Insane, Though in Different Ways, So I Have No Conception of This Being Strange.

-I will not consume Aspertine, aka "Equal" or "Nutrasweet" in any context.
-I don't like spicy food. I consider excessive amounts of pepper to be a spice.
-I won't eat meat except for: heavily marinated grilled chicken and cheeseburgers.
-I will eat meat that is not grilled chicken or cheeseburgers if it is prepared by a chef at an expensive restaurant or by Ingrid Greenfield.
-I have been known also to eat hot dogs and fat-free bologna.
-I won't eat any kind of meat from Empire Corner or any other restaurant that costs below $10/entree and delivers faster than I could make toast.
-I won't eat anything that is heavy on onions or chives or garlic.
-I won't eat pasta or ice cream before sunset.
-I won't go inside a Chinese restaurant or a fast food restaurant or any place that has a scent I think might linger on my clothing after I leave.
-If you put sugar in my coffee or bring me Diet Coke instead of regular, I will kill you with a 6-liter bottle of Whoop-Ass.
-I won't drink beer. Or gin. Or anything lemon-lime flavored.
-I will not watch you eat wings or ribs.
-I can eat whatever I want and not get fat, which is annoying to some girls. On the up-side of this, if you pick up my eating habits, I will totally support you and your added weight, because I agree with Tyra Banks that she is not fat, and I agree with 89% of OK! Magazine readers that curvy girls are way sexier than skinny girls.
2. I'm Always Late

On the up-side, I'm probably late because I'm making you a card. Or getting you a present. Or trying to pick the outfit that would most please you. Or because I have no concept of how time works, and I often cling to the knowledge that if every train arrives exactly when I need it to, it is POSSIBLE that I will be on time.

Also. I'm working on this. (actually the funny thing is, I am running late AS I WRITE THIS!)

1. I Don't Want a Girlfriend.

Or do I?

Feel free to apply for this position. Or say mean things to me from personal experience. Or nice things! Just click "add comment."


Anonymous said...

if only i lived in new york.... and i don't eat ribs!

lotsa love,
ur fan in canada

Mercury said...

magdalene: she said she does long distance, don't give up. ;)

I get the alone time thing. I'm the same way. "Eew, you're smothering me! Go away already, I need to stare at my wall for a while." That's me.

& you know, the ear thing, could maybe be sweet.

I don't know what I do, because every girl i've been with recently I've blown off ever since then & the ones before that blew me off, so I don't know. sometimes I think I want a relationship and then I think I want to fantasize about the actress who plays Addison Shepherd in Grey's Anatomy.

I guess bisexuals wouldn't get to complain about the bisexuality thing?

& I obvs. dig the blog.

I don't really go to restaurants.

I'm the spaciest person like, ever. I am apt to completely forget that things exist. I'm not good with the time management aspect of life, or whatever. Et cetra.

So anyway, in conclusion, I would totally be your valentine, and am completely bummed that you don't want a girlfriend. Try to figure out if I'm joking.

riese said...

mags: the thing about canada is though that you can't become an american citizen without marrying me, and you can't marry me because we live in america which is actually not a democracy, so that sounds to me like a lot of traveling and stress.

rachel: you can have a relationship AND fantasize about addison shepard at the same time. i'm really spacey too, so it's easier for me to deal with spacey people, because then they don't freak out every time i do something ridiculous (i think i talked about this in a comment about roommates on your blog a s century ago), like put things in the wrong place, or forget stuff. i'm really into time management, but i'm better at the "not wasting time" end of it than i am at the "organizing time," at which I am essentially hopeless.

What's really funny is the amount of people who are like "Who's that girl Rachel on your blog? She's so cute, are you guys dating? You totally should." To which I point out that you live in Alaska, which is really really really far away. Which is a real tragedy for both of us, but shouldn't get in the way of our wedding.

Try to figure out if I'm joking.

Unknown said...

Thanks for the meat-cooking shoutout, Ri! The thing is, I haven't been cooking much of it lately, now that I live alone and the grocery store in my "fringe"/"gentrifying" neighborhood leans toward ham hocks, pigs feet, and brisket. Not that there's anything wrong with those less-expensive cuts of meat, but it's not like I'm cooking that for myself. If I eat pork belly beef tit or whatever, it better be at a trendy and expensive restaurant and it better be from a pig fed on fruit and nuts for last three months of its life.

Also, this Theories of Media class at my school had a screening of an L Word episode last night. And I reverted back to two years ago, and felt a little miffed that so many people were watching a Carmen-Shane sex scene. I mean, it's a private thing between Carmen, Shane, and ME!

Anonymous said...

point by point - lemme tell you, blog fans...you actually DO wanna be riese's gf.

10. the ear thing is annoying (see the pic of my reaction...) but on the upside, you know how much she likes you is directly related to how many times she sticks her finger in your ear. and if it's wet? WOW.

9. she would do a relationship, MAYBE. She does do sleepovers if you bring her tasti d, dr pepper and a twix. and also promise to leave in the morning so she can work. she makes a mean omelette in the morning. she and i have talked on the phone maybe 5 times? so it's possible. feelings? yes, ladies, yes. you just have to be patient with her. (she'll ALWAYS make you laugh)

8. agreed re: spice girls sentiments.

7. who cares? if she's with you, she's with you.

6. this is true, but it's kinda fun. and she never tells secrets on the blog.

5. this is VERY true, but come on, don't you kinda want a girlfriend who treats her body like a temple? (and not, as jimmy buffett says, treats it like a tent?)

4. yes. i mean, obvs.

3. i have never even noticed any of these things. i consider her to be very low maintenence about food, actually. i mean just don't cook her a steak. but like, would you really do that?

2. yes, this is the one thing that annoys me about her, though she IS improving. :)

1. hmmm...get her done, ladies...

riese said...

Ing, you can make me pig's feet any time you want! I can't believe all those people busted in on you and shane and carmen, what kind of media theory is that?

Hav--you totally just squelched the fire of my reverse psychology and cool indifference by writing the initial suggestion for a blog topic in the comments section. And you said you could never do a Sunday Top Ten! See, you just did! I'm going to stick my whole foot in your ear, after dipping it in pig ear juices.

riese said...

Reason 1a: I make a lot of tongue-in-cheek/sarcastic threats that reference bloody animal parts to those I love the most. Or do I?

Anonymous said...

I have the same feeling about beer and gin, though why not anything lemon-lime flavored? I do enjoy my Diet Sprite.

I just wanted to say I love your blog, and if I considered myself "hot," maybe I'd apply for the position. I'm the only gay in the village!

You always make me laugh and I'm sure you'll be happily coupled in no time. But you're too hot for me! I know you say you like curvy girls, but I don't know how flexible (LOL) that is. Anyhow, keep up the good work, and keep on being late. I always am, too.


El N said...

Would you be okay with being my bisexual dish on the side? No commitment but oodles of possible midwestern sexual tension. If I may point out(and you will note in my profile picture), I have a keen sense of style, my shoes always match my hat and pockets, I have my own ride, and I can handle a gun with a cocky smile and a surprising amt of je ne sais quoi. Have your peeps call mine, we'll work out the details on myspace.

riese said...

ln james i am so good at being a side dish, i don't even got a full menu anymore. the shoe-pocket matchup is SO KEY. that almost makes it worth it right there.

Anonymous said...

I am yours and I will devour you sweetly and then ravage you with a fierceness and passion you will never see on season 4 of The L Word. That's a promise.

Reno Valentine

riese said...

dearest reno,

i'm counting on it.


Tara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
riese said...

But why bother with the strai-dates oogling over hot cocoa at max brenner when we could go straight for the bottle, yknow?

once at an airport someone told me I looked like maggie gyllenhal. and i was in an issue of marie claire and she was on the cover and the photo of me was so bad that hav told me to just tell everyone it was me on the cover. i actually don't look like her. we just have the same body and bad posture I think.

wait really you did? that's a total tip. you could be famous in 10 seconds

Tara said...

Uh yeah. Now sober, totally horrified, etc. But so as not to leave your reply hanging, here's my placeholder, as in ... lastnightIgotdrunkandleftadoucheycomment. Er. Bottle sounds good. Bottle, valentine's, no internet access sounds grand.

Laia Balcells said...

mmm, i can identify with at least 2/3 of your self-descriptions. maybe i should call you when i get back to the states!;)