Monday, October 22, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: Temporary Battles Can Take Up Half Your Life

Just so y'all know, I'm leaving this blog to become a Slam Poet, like in that movie SLAM!. I've never seen it, but I saw a poetry "slam" once at Sarah Lawrence, it was retarded, Sarah Lawrence students shouldn't try to slam anything besides each other. The poems were the lovechild of Ani DiFranco lyrics and the sound of fake mall waterfalls, and they were read out loud with lackluster slam-spirit by cherub girls in camisoles smelling like Tom's of Maine. I'm gonna replace Auto-Win with an auto-play flash-player that'll cycle "Umbrella" by Rhianna and the Tegan & Sara "Umbrella" cover over & over for all of time. That'd make y'all way happier than I ever can. Seriously, listen to that song and tell me if you are still sad? I doubt it.

This week's Sunday Top Ten might sound kinda like, glum? But it's not. Also, I'm gonna do "Things That Are Easier Than I Thought They'd Be" later this week, to like, even it out, or something. Feel free to tell me what to think, I'll believe anything.

Also, Lozo put up our vlog. You should check it out, 'cause there's a really productive world-changing conversation on the comment thread w/r/t "Haviland & Riese: Hot or Not?"


10. Building This Dresser
So I've been building this dresser, the construction manual lists approximately 260 steps. It's taken about 100 hours to construct, thus inspiring this post. I'm totes thrilled to've even received it, and obvs putting it together is a small price to pay, and besides, it's good for my arms which don't get a workout now that I'm no longer toting heavy plates of food or working on the railroad all the live-long day. Speaking of hand jobs, I was in such a state with the state of the dresser that I offered Lozo a massage with a happy ending in exchange for dresser construction, but then I thought that'd be kinda awkward probs for our friendship, and wouldn't necessarily entail less upper body strength than the building so I took it back. Not officially, but I never arranged for the exchange. Also, I can do it myself, I'm Bob Vila. UPDATE: Totes DID IT. holla. HOLLA!
9. Recapping The L Word

[original screenshot from a Season Three Recap]
I guess that if you look at it logically [something I willfully select NOT to do in most circumstances cause looking realistically at one's bank account or one's schedule is often a short-cut to depression and overwhelming sensations of futility. 'Cause if you don't think about it, it's still possible you could finish it in an hour, why not?] this show is an hour long --
-Pausing at least once a scene for screencaps, about 35 scenes per show: three hours
-Transcribing dialogue from the show and from friends: two hours
-Photo-shopping photos of my friends from the viewing party and inserting them: one hour
-Making graphics: one hour
-Actually writing about the show: endless/priceless.
All in all about 20 hours of nonstop fun. Then I added time to it by acquiring a well-needed but obsessive proper grammar & spelling habit [some of the S3 recaps that no one read but me were plagued with grammatical and spelling errors, and rarely cohesive.] Obvs I didn't anticipate this time commitment when I decided to do it. This is why next season I'm getting a screencaps intern. I'll give you college credit and a back rub if you're hot.

Anyhow, Carly and I re-watched the pilot the other day, and I'm excited to currently be hard at work at recapping it for AutoStraddle! I know -- why Riese? Why? The answer is: because I obviously love it.
8. SAT Math, Five Years Later
I "auditioned" to be a Kaplan teacher and succeeded, I just had to re-take the SATs to prove I could maintain the same high score I'd had in high school. Easy, yeah? No. I brushed up on my math pre-re-test, but I hadn't realised how much longer it'd take to do math now that it wasn't second nature. I only finished half the math section when the time ran out. Then I added "Kaplan tutor" to the list of "jobs Marie thought she had between July '04 and January of '05 that Totes Fell Through, Therefore Ruining Her Life Forever. JK Not Forevs, Things're Better Now."
7. Getting Our TeeVee Show on the Air Immediately
Sometimes I talk about something constantly then suddenly stop talking about it. I kinda did this with the teevee show but don't be alarmed -- nothing's gone wrong, we're just in a waiting period. Also we've got real clear and direct ways to improve the pilot when the time comes: things that seem obvious now that we've stepped back in order to see it fully.

I imagined the writing-the-teevee-show process to be like Field of Dreams, which is probs responsible for many similarly executed projects, like, there've been all these crap shows that make it all the way to air, surely someone'd see ours and greenlight it immediately. We shall write it, the development deal shall come, like it happens in the success stories you read about. I guess no one publishes non-success stories. Oh wait, yeah they do; it's called "blogs" and "World's Wildest Police Chases." JK. That'd be cool, if we got into a police chase and then, when captured, we'd be like "marie lyn bernard dot blogspot dot com!" that'd be the best viral marketing ever. Reality show marketing. We could get Carly on COPS getting arrested for crack whoring and she could plug the show in between "motherfuckers!" Would that be meta? I'm not sure. I think "meta" is the new "irony" -- "irony" being a grossly misused word these days, especially by me. Maybe Alanis should write a song about "Meta." JK. She'd really fuck it up.
6. Doing my Hair
Short hair is totes harder than long hair. For example, first thing in the A.M; I look like Season Three Pilot Shane. It magically deflates within about 2 hours [I wash my hair post-gym, unless I'm going somewhere in the morning, which um, I haven't done in a while], but its post-shower behavior is highly unpredictable. Just when I think I've discovered the ideal combo of drying, ironing, product and styling, four days later my hair will rebel and say it's not down with that routine anymore, then I'm back to the drawing board.

Haviland thinks it's grown out to bordering-on-bowlcut and she'd like to trim it but I responded: "No, it's like the Beatles, I like it!"

John Lennon & Friends for Wax
5. Writing my Book
Obvs this has been a bit of a challenge.
4. Moving On
I searched my gmail for "harder." Aside from stumbling upon some suggestive "harder! faster! wetter!"s, almost half the results were from a few weeks ago, when I kept saying that I'm waiting for things to get easier, but instead they keep getting harder and harder. Things've been lightening a bit, though, lately. Not the weight of these untangled things aforementioned as "getting harder " [these untethered wrongs with no space to right themselves now in the clear where "real" means the same thing to everyone involved, where perception looses it's fog and becomes fair game] -- those things remain the same level of hard, like other striking losses I've experienced. But the coping part's become lighter lately and there are other areas in which things have been relatively bright, promising, brilliant, huge, everything, enough. I've been blessed, really, in so many ways, by so many things, and, not to sound freaky, or hark back to a time of apocalyptic predictions and various second-coming related verse, but the way things came together to furiously and gloriously distract me immediately and thrust me fully back into living with functional social normality before I had a chance to absorb the possibilities regarding what I might eventually face in the future as well as what I was truly experiencing emotionally at the time -- and then the way things started turning around just as I'd hit all-time incapacitation and agoraphobia levels a few weeks ago -- I was always honest that I believed in G-d, I really truly do, and I think there's gotta be something divine or spiritual and trying really, really hard out there, there's gotta be something like that who's aiming for everything, a strange, tempting, dangerous ideal ...
3. Writing This Blog Post
Seriously, I feel like every day's mitigated by hardness, so this would be easy -- things that're heavier than I expected, lines longer, processes more complicated, people more unpredictable. But perhaps not, but I don't think that's because life is particularly easy or I'm good at it, I'm totes not, but that I manage expectation really carefully -- that's why when I give someone my heart, it's generally someone who's swept me away before I had time to weigh it out and determine likely I couldn't handle the suspense. This is pretty easy to analyze psychologically -- I've got this little girl in my gut who wanted a warning before she heard he was already dead, this like, fourteen year old who'd just gone to McDonald's with her friends from Theatre Club and had a two-cheeseburger meal with no toppings, who wished there'd been some kind of illness instead, some hours, days, years, to prepare for this premature death, to readjust her mind slowly to the way things really are -- it's not that I avoid unwise choices. I just try to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised if it turns out better than that, lest it be taken from me suddenly and without warning. I can't prevent sudden tragedy, so all I can do is prevent anyone's loss being truly tragic. I'm careful of people. If I let them in, put something at stake [something=risking substantially life-changing loss], it means I've either been given no choice in the matter or, I guess, I've got no choice in the matter. Love's like that. When choosing -- I choose to not put it all on the line.

And also: I am, like Crystal said today too, afraid that as soon as I let someone in, they might see ME, and then be like, omg, this is not what I signed up for, and then I'm doomed. I know this moment will come eventually with people ... and I guess that's my guarantee that no matter how good and serious anything is, it'll eventually end when they see me, I mean, really see me, and so, therefore, it's best to not get into it to begin with, or to make the revelation matter.

Also: a lot of things falling under this category -- "Things That Were Harder Than I Expected" -- are Private Things or Obvious Things [e.g., "getting my life together," "reducing word count," "staying in touch with friends," getting a six pack" or other topics I often mull over], like I keep thinking of things and disqualifying them for one of those reasons. That's the main problem with writing this.
2. Walking in High Heels

[This photo shoot was the first time I wore heels, seriously.]
I didn't realise there was really anything to it, aside from just being a bit more on top of things. But it's like, balance. That's fine -- the walking part is fine. It's the noise! I kinda walk like an elephant. I don't look like an elephant. I look like a human girl named Marie, sometimes called Riese. But when I walk, you might be like, "Is that an elephant lumbering by my room for a 3 A.M. drinkie?" and it's actually me, just regulating, just walking. I'm not saying I lumber because it's true, but 'cause people've told me so. And I trust them. In heels though, I just feel like I'm making my presence so unavoidably present, and I hate that. Click, clack, look, at, me, lumber, click/clack.
1. Getting freshdirect to deliver Sausage, Egg & Cheese Lean Pockets.

I've put in a product request for this several times over the last few years, to the point where they probs're like "her again, really? Tell her to have some toast." Do any of you order from Fresh Direct? Because if so, please go to the product request area which's in the "New Products" area. There's an asshatty looking guy and an aesthetically pleasing graphic and you just click that there thing and tell them that you'd like them to carry Lean Pockets, Sausage, Egg & Cheese. Thank you, I appreciate it.


basia said...

in the spirit of owning up to anonimity, i will hereby admit that i am Anonymous #3 on that WDWGDAB post u linked to (the comment that starts with 'omg' and ends with 'ugly'). i wanted to be anonymous coz like, i didn't wanna be a creepy weirdo who defends the hotness of strangers on a blog i don't even read... whatevs. i guess i am a creepy weirdo. or maybe i just can't stand by when someone recklessly rags on something/someone i believe in.... i think this is why i get into so many sports-related bar fights, coz i'm all like, DUDE, u did NOT just say that about mah team, i'ma KILL you. etc. no i don't have an anger problem.

(i do)

ps. although 'obvs' and 'totes' have not entered the realm of my face to face conversations, because of you, 'twatwaffle' is now the star of my verbal repertoire.

Crystal said...

I'm with you re: walking in heels. Because I walk with the grace of a new-born giraffe, the click-clack is totally off-beat, like you can hear that I can't walk in heels before you even witness it.

Re: #3 and 4, nice one.

If I was your therapist, I'd be like "good work, Riese, bravo."

But here's to managing expectations.

Jo said...

The other day I had "Umbrella" stuck in my head, and realized I had the Tegan and Sara version stuck in my head. It's so much better than the original, in that they took an already catchy song and made it all emo. things are always better emo.

schrk-fyn said...

Re. walking like an elephant. Reading this reminded me of when I was accused of elephantesque qualities. I was seeing this girl, the walls in her flat were paper thin & I was really paranoid when I went to the bathroom that either she or her flatmates would hear me so I always ran the taps on full(repressed but logical yeah?). So couple of months later we had a big fight & I was totally winning the battle of the insults until

Her - well at least I don't pee like an elephant
Me - eh?
Her - we've ALL heard you. you're a freak
Me - that's not me! I run the taps! you've heard the taps!
Her - yeah. right. taps. whateva.

So genius tap plan backfired. My body spasms into the foetal position anytime I think of it. Maybe sharing my shame will help.

Anonymous said...

This's my favorite.

harder! faster! wetter!

Kinda like drag racing a car in the rain. Drive on.

The Spaz said...

I can relate on 8, 6, 5, 4 and 2.

Howev, only 5 and 4 really distress me, the rest are just sort of my trademarks. Bad at math, clumsy in heels, rebellious-haired. Not much I can do about that, the other two, well I have a feeling they're linked somehow...

P.S. As to that Hot or Not thing, well you'd not get a proper answer here, we're all biased. Obvs everybody is fascinated by you or we'd not keep ending up here to read your stuff week after week... I was going to say maybe that's just me but that'd sound a bit creepy stalkerish wouldn't it?

Rest assured I'm too lazy to stalk anybody. Except maybe some of the workers in Best Buy. Nobody pays attention to you until you've badgered one into helping you, that in turn acts as a signal and six more guys pop out of nowhere to ask if you need help. Damn their lack of commission.

Lozo said...

wait. i've read this like six times. is this your roundabout way of saying i'm not hot?

The Spaz said...

In that case... Totes Fucking Hot.

Also I'm getting tired of pretty people who can't think. Beauty is no longer an acceptable excuse for being retarded.


schrk-fyn, I do that with bathrooms at people's houses too. Or fans, never underestimate the importance of fan noises.

Also I must have read it fast but I thought your name was Shark Fan. Which excited me for some reason, like you'd be a fan of Great Whites or Hammerheads or something. I was all like, woohoo she likes shawks!

Then I remembered there's a hockey team called that and I deflated a little. I was like, why doesn't she like them, nature's oldest killing machines? They're totes awesome. Then I actually read your name and went, hmm, I'm not pretty enough to be this retarded! Maybe sleep would be in order...

dewey said...

Short hair is so much harder to deal with!! I had my hair cut a whole lot shorter, in like August thinking it would just make life easier not having to do stuff with it every morning, but no! I always had short hair when i was little so thought i was well informed on the fact that i wouldn't have to do anything but it serously takes me ages to do my hair.

And walking in heels, I think i made a decision when i was about 12 years older after trying on a pair of my sisters, that i was just never going to wear them. As i have asked many a time, "Can't i just wear my converse??"

dewey said...

OMG! I just read my comment and Im annoyed at my own mistakes! Like I proof read it twice and previewed it before i posted it and still didn't notice that seriously was spelt wrong and that infact i was 12 years old, not 12 years older because that would just be stupid!

Crystal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Razia said...

I love that you used the word 'glum'. "Why so glum, chum?" is like my all time fave saying, sometimes I just wish ppl were glum more often so I could use it. Not a bad kind of glum, like maybe a superficial kind of glum.

Is that TLW screen cap an original or a gag? Either way it seriously makes me el-oh-el. I think I'm going to print it out and stick it on my dash next to my talking bobble head Stewie.

#6 highlights the whole reason why I'm too scared to change the way my hair is now, totes.

carlytron said...

I would gladly whore myself out on COPS if it got our show on the air faster, um, in case anyone was wondering ...

I can't walk in heels either. But, that was pretty obvs, no?

stef said...

things that are easier than most people think they'd be: me after a couple of drinks. OHHH.

i think your hair looks even BETTER as it's growing out. it's very karen o, the ohh-i'm-so-hip-i-can't-see-out-from-under-my-bangs look. i'm a fan.

i can walk in heels, but roughly an hour into whatever occasion i'm wearing them for i become that whiny girl insisting we go home immediately because i am in unbelievable PAIN. it's nice though, being a little taller. i like that part.

and congratulations, bob vila.

Anonymous said...

decent post. please don't let haviland do your hair anymore. just let it grow out fer pete's sake.

anonymous rieseophant said...

totes relate to 5 and 3. I'll make you feel better about 5: I only have six pages. You must have more than that.

And 3 ... My dad died right in front of me with his eyes open, shocking blue. Came outta nowhere. I think that kind of thing changes a person forever. You kow?

Lozo said...

wha? defend you how? by saying you guys are hot, like, i do on every mention of you guys? or did you want me to break a bottle on the bar and slice some throat? you're nutty.

haviland said...

basia, i like your style.

remember in college when everyone really went on ? aparently that traffic has been diverted to lozo's blog...

riese's hair is going to look very cute, don't worry...remember, guys, i don't actually DO was for fun! :)

Lozo said...

hmmmm. i feel like this is lose-lose for me. so, i shall take the post down.

riese said...

basia: Ha, I figured they were my readers -- thanks for sticking up for us, HOLLA!!! I don't really care if random internet strangers think i'm hot or not, i'm sure most don't, i just think the reckless ragging is retarded, like really papi? can't he just say we're boring or annoying? so yeah, thanks, go team auto-anon! -- . like, really? you know?

twatwaffle is a good word to have. and especially useful in situations requiring anger.

crystal: That's the title of the google doc, actually. "managing expectations." We should be on couches throwing up our hands, obvs. I always imagine "you look like k.d. lang." One of us will have to go w/o at the wedding, to minimize potential ear damage for the audience.
jo: I couldn't agree more. With everything. You have said.
schrk-fyn: OMG, haha. I never do that, because i feel like people always do that, and so then it's obvious, and they think I'm like, I dont know, doing something super noisy. I had a BF once who's bathroom was flush against his room -- like door directly between them, and god, it was awful, i'd get like, urination anxiety. but what's really retarded is that none of them realised you were doing the tap trick, they all have brains like elephants.
anon: I can say this much:
Rhianna's rain,
and thighs, mean to be listened to. over and over again.
the spaz: The other two are often linked, I think.

I tend to believe that bias is of paramount importance and not to be dismissed -- at least it is in the people i find compelling. What else do we have, you know?

Very little sounds creepy stalkerish to me. Ha.

I find the worst thing about Best Buy's employees is that even when you do corner them, they don't know anything. I used to know a lot of guys who worked there. They knew stuff, but were always drunk and calling off work. I knew some real good guys OBVS. Once I knew a guy who worked at Old Country Buffet. Wow, I wanna go there really bad right now.
Lozo: You're hot.
Spaz: I just love how you brought that back around.
Dewey: Yeah totally. I had short hair when I was little, but I guess I had a kid-friendly no-style cut that made it easy for me to navigate. I used to wear my Converse One-Stars with dresses all the time.
Crystal: Thanks, I guess of the two of us, I've got a bit more of a knack for heel-walking know-how, so to speak. I'm just assuming, but I think I'm assuming right. I'm a confident assumer.
razia: Oh that's an original! It's from the ridiculous Laughing Crowd Scene coordianted for the Ridiculous Bachelorette party given to Shane before the Wedding That Wasn't.
carlytron: I like the possibilities made available by considering that the two statements in your comment are related to each other.
stef: People thought you-after-a-few-drinks would be harder than it is in reality? That's funny because I often compared myself to Karen O when I cut my own bangs. But I didn't think of it as a good thing. But maybe it its!
Anonymous #2: I was going to let it grow out anyway but since you suggested it, I might not.

rieseophant: Yeah. I've got probs like, hundreds, scattered all over the place, waiting to be assembled. I've been writing it sorta for so long, just not knowing I was writing it. That's part of what makes it so ridic that I haven't done it yet really.

I think what you described ... would've pushed me over the edge. Wow.

lozo: I don't care if people don't think I'm/we're hot.
Haviland: I love you and you're hot.
Lozo: Your shoulder is hot, even though deleting that post is not hot. Can you put it back up? I liked it. I like my Tatum O'Neal hair. I like all attention even bad attention, that's why I have a blog. Also I think my retorts were witty.

Atherton Bartelby said...

All right, the next time I am in New York, I am taking you to Pat Field's to buy us both a pair of six inch platform stilettos (I had a pair from my New York Days, but lost them at a gay bar during last Halloween when I went as Gwen Stefani after a bad break-up), then back to your place to drink vodka lemonades and teach you the art of walking in Really High Heels.

I promise you, I am the master of the act.

rocketdyke said...

i dont walk in high heels, it just doesnt work out. its like asking strangers on the street to victimize you, because you cant run away. totally bad idea.

maybe you guys can start a new feature in the comments on lozo's blog called "smart or not" and rate the commenters. or "twatwaffle or not" or something. "still lives at home or not". you know, along those lines. just to elevate the discourse.

riese said...

First of all -- How amazing are you commenter peoples that you are mostly girls, yet none of you can walk in high heels -- and the one person who says they actually can walk in high heels on the entire comment thread is a gay man. this is why I love blogging.

atherton: That is possibly the best invitation I have ever received, and also a Vlog (or ANTM episode) waiting to happen. You are so ON. Also, you're offering "I went as Gwen Stefani to a gay bar after a bad breakup" as an explanation for losing your high heels, that's brilliant. Spelled-all-the-way-out-brilliant.

rocketdyke: If someone tried to victimize me, I'd take off my heels and stab them in the eye like wonderwoman. That's an awesome idea for Lozo's blog and would be a good way for me to meet girls because "still lives at home" is totally my type. seriously. I'm not lying. For guys, too, actually. It would be a good way to weed out people I wouldn't be compatible with. Heeehaw.

rocketdyke said...

i was thinking about this and forgot to mention it before now. you should read the tao te ching, the one translated by steven mitchell. you can buy that one anywhere, barnes&noble or amazon or where-ever. and you can read the whole thing online:

i feel like anything i have to say about will sound cheezy and like woo-hoo spiritual craziness, but ill risk it. its a really good book to read when you are having deep thoughts and feeling overwhelmed by your small place in the vast universe. this translation is very simple and straightforward, but even so, reading it at first its like, wtf does this mean? it seems so silly and simple. but then you think about it and read it again, and you realize its not simple at all and eventually it starts helping you make sense of lots of things. what i end up taking from it usually (and i still read it now and then after about 15 years since i first picked it up) is that even though you might feel like youre always supposed to be searching for the good things, searching for the light things and filling your life with good clear thoughts and feelings -- the true, beautiful world is actually a balance, which means the dark things are necessary. the dark things have a place, theyre required. a life full of lightness and clearness, even if its possible, isnt real. so its really ok that things are dark and hard and hard to keep dealing with. somehow that comforts me. its maybe not the most comforting thing for most people though. but you might like it, because it sounds like youre up at night thinking a lot, and its a good book for that.

basia said...

whoa, it's kinda like become this blog jihad (bloghad?) between lozo's readers and riese's readers. amazing. amazing like my proper use of apostrophes in that sentence. i am a big fan of rocketdyke's idea. you can be like: anonymous - i'm gonna have to say yes to has a small penis or not. also, on a scale of 1 to twatwaffle, your mom is a douche.

ps. i am a girl and i can walk in heels, but it never feels comfortable.
pps. i hope you don't stop making vlogs - i'm still waiting to hear probs'll

riese said...

rocketdyke That's hilarious ... TB endorsed that book to me quite strongly, so it's totes on my reading list. I even know who Stephen Mitchell is!

But what you're saying sounds totes right on and beautiful. It's like your comment is the cliff notes to enlightenment.

basia: That's funny about the jihad. Lozo and I are developing strategies to increase traffic, therefore paving the way for some sort of yet-undefined plan that will result in advertising revenue so neither of us have to work anymore, and we can spend more time on the children. I bet "jihad" is a good strategy.

"Scale of 1 to twatwaffle" = brill.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, your penis is smaller than my strap-on."


I'm listening to 'Umbrella' and I have located a Midol in a random desk drawer which is like all I've ever wanted out of life or the world. Besides to feel like I'm retaining less than three major bodies of water in my gut.

That's really all I can say.

anonymous riesophant said...

wait! i wear heels. and i love 'em. i get excited about them in a very girly girl kind of way.

does that mean i don't fit in?

i second (or third?) the tao te ching ... also, had to read the tao of pooh in college, and that was a good, light version (like diet taoism?)

Anonymous said...

On Tao & PMS:

He who can lie still while the mud settles,
And remain still until the water flows
Does not seek fulfillment
And transcends Nature.

LMC said...

This is pretty easy to analyze psychologically -- I've got this little girl in my gut who wanted a warning before she heard he was already dead, this like, fourteen year old who'd just gone to McDonald's with her friends from Theatre Club and had a two-cheeseburger meal with no toppings, who wished there'd been some kind of illness instead, some hours, days, years, to prepare for this premature death, to readjust her mind slowly to the way things really are -- it's not that I avoid unwise choices. I just try to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised if it turns out better than that.

Word. That made me cry.

Lozo said...

this post was so hot, it made me hard. see what i did there?

i like that lean pockets were no. 1. you clearly have your priorities straight.

your "umbrella" reference made me like you a little less. i'm shallow and judgemental.

i don't know what tom's of maine is.

this post made me a little sad, even though that wasn't the intention. i am cheered up, however, by the thought of someone googling "Lozo, Marie Lyn Bernard, handjob" and finding this post. and by "someone" i mean "me."

riese said...

anonymous riesophant: No, it means you're awesome. I love the way heels look -- I wear them now, if I'm wearing a dress, and um, if my photo is being taken. Haviland can walk in heels too.

I like heels when I'm traveling by car. I just can't handle walking to the subway and then riding on the subway in heels.
anonymous: gracias. The Saints, appropriately enough.
lmc: word.
lozo: I do see what you did there.

I tried to think of a good hard-on related joke for this post, but I'm not that funny. It's a good thing I'm so smokin' hot, that kinda makes up for it. Like Sarah Silverman. JK. I don't think she's funny.

I love that you've got time to google Lozo, handjob, and my name, but no time to google tom's of maine.

Tom's of Maine: they manufacture eco-friendly all-natural products that don't work. Vegan boyfriends from Williamsburg usually use TOM toothpaste, and therefore always have rank breath.

I get this funny feeling that we don't have the same taste in music.

I just remembered commenting on your post about Hot Pockets and then freaking out that I might get caught commenting on your blog and be executed. Haha.

OMG someone in my hood is blaring TOXIC. HOLLA!

schrk-fyn said...

Reise – Thanks! You’re right they are handitards. I wish embarrassing things people thought about you were less embarrassing when it was stupid people who thought them – or something like that.

the spaz - Soz for putting you through that emotional rollercoaster re my name. It’s a bit to do with sharks and absolutely zero to do with hockey. I fell in love with Cruella De Ville when I was seven & decided I needed a more glamorous moniker so I made everyone call me Scharketta Fynn (and they did!). This went on for far too long, got abbreviated, and now gets used for the squillions of things that I get drawn into which require an alter ego.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

I am no fun today, my brain is empty...but i feel like i need to leave you a comment out of loyalty. NEED TO. Really, riese, really.

so let me think...

-I like that picture of you in the high heels.
-I appreciate the blood, sweat, and tears you put into the L word re-caps. I can't wait to be spending even more time on the computer you-tubing the episodes and then reading your ever so lovely posts.

did you guys figs out the sitch for the spice girls tix yet?! Never give up (on the good times)

haviland said...

stef sorted out the tkts, and i think we have no choice in the matter...she was pretty much like, "we're going. period."

also, i wear heels about 50% of the time. i wish they had never been invented, because I hate walking in them...BUT, I know I generally look better in them, know.

Beauty is pain?

The Spaz said...

Beauty is pain. I've been known to wear heels if I have to, but its a precarious state for me, its like I'm sure people notice how unsteady I am. Also I feel like I'm looming over people in them, even though I'm only 5'6".

Plus I always manage to break my heels. I used to go to this one cobbler for repairs so often he asked me if I had a problem.

So now I just throw them out, because I do have a problem, (its called being a klutz, hello?) but I don't need smugness from a fucking cobbler.

Although that reminds me that I have a zipper that needs fixing...

Razia said...

I carry large bags so the painful thing isn't too much of a problem, I just make sure that for every outfit I wear heels with I have a cute pair of comortable flats that I can wear once I've debuted my killer heels. Then, change back into them before I leave the dimly lit venue into the reasonably better lit world - if I'm not too drunk by then, obvs.

alex vega said...

contrary to popular belief, I can walk in heels and there's proof. it contributes to my superiority complex in allowing me to be taller than everyone around me.

hah totally JK

(p.s. no I'm not.)

Riese, I will be your Xerxes (or King Leonidas, whatevs you prefer) in the battle of the blogs.

jk (for reals) - I never saw 300.

Needing your L Word blog like I need air,

dewey said...

I have no reason for commenting but am starting to get angry writing my personal statement so thought I'd check back here. I feel the need for a moan, can I moan on here....? No I won't moan......

But seriously personal statements, how do I make myself sound good without sounding like a twat? Anything positive I write about myself just makes me sound big headed. I also don’t seem to be able to stop writing it in a really sarcastic way, and I know trying to be funny in a personal statement really isn’t good.

Then it gets to the part about outside interests! Ermmmm shoes...? Watching Sport.....? Girls....? YEAH!!! That’s really going to get me a place! Seriously though outside interests, well most university professors probably wont agree with my political views, so don’t want to write about them.... my interests in photography, well I but that in and was then told to take it out by my tutor because, "it has no relevance"....I’m sorry but are my outside interests suppose to be linked to the course?....I thought that was the whole point of them being "outside interests"!!!

Ok...breathe....and out....

Rant over, I don’t care if no one reads this but needed to get it out and no ones around so I'm afraid this place had to do, as did my friends email boxes.

riese said...

I'm going backwards. Starting with the most recent, and then up ...

Dewey: When I am trying to write positive things about myself without sounding big-headed, I try to embody the spirit of haviland stillwell. I'm not even lying. She'd good at promoting herself without sounding like an asshole, but still sounding confident, and I try to like, embody that, or like if I want to say something totes self-promotional, I imagine Haviland saying it without any scruples whatsoever, cause she totes would. I guess it's hard to explain if you don't know Haviland. Just imagine you are Chuck Bass. I think also it helps to read other people's personal statements. Just remove yourself and pretend it's in third person. You can't really sound like a twat if you aren't one, seriously.

I don't think your outside interests have to be linked to the course, but then i don't know what you're doing exactly. I remember when I was trying to convince my friends that I should list "biking" as an interest 'cause I liked to bike from my dorm to my boyfriends' theater in high school. They were like "that doesn't count, retard."

av: I haven't seen that movie either (no movies in 2007! I'm cut off!) but there is an 'X' in it, which's hot. I should remember that for the next time I play the alphabet game.

Are you taller than me in heels is the question. And where's the proof?

Giving you the L Word blog like I give life to small children and girls in heels,


Razia: I think I walk BEST in heels while drunk. Or at least I don't remember looking like an asshole afterwards.


The Spaz: "I have a zipper that needs fixing ..." sounds like there might be a good story there.

I feel like I'm looming over people on heels because I'm 5'10. I can't handle it in the midwest, in NYC it's cool, cause power is power here.


Haviland: Nothing feels as good as looking good feels.

[except like, the tao of actual fulfillment.]


ooooolynnieooo: And likewise, I appreciate the blood, sweat and tears you put into commenting even when your brain is empty. I'm already blood sweat and tearing now. TOTES, really ooolynnieooo really.

schrk-fyn: I think they are. I mean, that's retarded, them maybe actually thinking you just had like, elephant urination habits. I bet they Do, that's why they even thought of it.

dewey said...

UPDATE-PERSONAL STATEMENT (Do you really need an update….well have one anyway! Feel free not to read.)

I’m a lot more relaxed now, calmer. I gave up writing it for the day after leaving the earlier comment, so have actually written no more than I had done before....BUT!!! After speaking to one of the people that knows me best in the world I have so much more to say....They were like "Avril there is sooooooo much you can write" and proceeded to list all these things I've done/do that I had totally not even thought about! How I’m going to write it down without it sounding stupid I don’t know, but this perhaps is where your ideas come in! However I thought about being Haviland and with my little knowledge of her, all it made me want to write down is how much I love musicals!

And.. talking of musicals I was listening to some Avenue Q songs earlier (anyone who has not seen Avenue Q should go, its amazing and so so funny) and it made me think of"I wish I could go back to college"...and..."What do you do with a B.A in English?"

dewey said...

....Ever feel like you killed the conversation.....

riese said...

No, it's the progression of time.

Is what I think.

See, here I am, the last comment.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Ha! You lose the last comment contest. I am glad to have you join the ranks of slam poets, and offer my services re: any questions you might have. Holla atcha (Brooklyn) Boy.

cait said...

congrats on #10, def thought it was impossible, also very heavy.

the 3 am drinkie comment made me lol

i totally just requested lean pockets for you, just doing what i can.

k bye