Hard Core Superstar by far You're the Ultimate VLOG

Hi! I made a video. It's got outtakes from Alexi's Closet Episode 14 and more footage from my big trip to Hollywood to visit Rising Star Haviland Stillwell AND a special vlog retrospective. Though leaving YouTube is impractical considering all I've already got on there, I'm still on the edges of my seatpants waiting to see if they'll continue muting my videos or not and I thought now would be a good time to explore vimeo.

Actually our internet is terrible right now, so if I wanted to upload a video to YouTube it probs wouldn't finish loading 'til St.Patrick's Day.

Also Vimeo is really shiny!! I'll probs only get like 100 views, but that's cool. So watch it, LOL, and tell your friends. We discuss lots of important issues, like Tinkerbell's eating disorder, Lezberado, diabetes and per ush flying lesbains & your Mom.


Riese & Haviland (and Alexi!) Vlog #33: Super Duper Model from Riese on Vimeo.

H&R Advice Column - A Twisted Elbow Crush VLOG

Sooooo ... so much footage, so little time! Last week while in California for important reasons, Haviland and I hunkered down with iSight and answered a large stack of your pressing questions on video. So now I can add this footage to the stuff I still haven't edited from November and before long we will probs fix not only your problems, but also the economy, The L Word, and our allegedly "high speed" internet connection.



If you're interested in getting drunk tonight/today, then I'd suggest a H&R Vlog Drinking Game that includes one shot for every time I say the word "vagina." Seriously it rolls right off the tongue. No seriously, um, I like words that sound gross. Not sexy-gross like the "p***y" word, but sterilized-gross like "vagina" and "lesbian."

That paragraph (above) will be a good one for everyone who's landed here from the Village Voice article about Mary "REISE" Lyn Bernard, a "sex blogger" with a "valley girl tone" often spotted at "sex savvy events about town" when she's not "goofing around" with her "live-in partner Natalie." The last one is clearly the funniest part, I'm sure Natalie's boyfriend agrees. I'm also very curious about these sex-savvy events, are they talking about Tegan & Sara concerts? Probs. I hope there's a special place in heaven for "sex bloggers" who never blog about sex, 'cause that's where I'm going. It's gonna be hawt, everyone's gonna say VADGE a lot like Julie Goldman. I think they met "Sexy Blogger" and clearly were talking about Haviland, she's the hot one, I'm the cool one.

We answer three pressing questions. Upcoming vlogs will include answers to additional questions and a lot of nonsense and Alexi's Closet outtakes.

H&R Advice Column #7/Haviland & Riese Vlog #34 (I know it's supposed to be 33, but I'm retarded. Maybe the next one will be #33 to make up for it?) STARTS NOW!

All Your Cleverly Planned [Pre] Vlogs

I'm writing to you from my 20th consecutive hour of "being awake." But that's fine! 'Cause we're gonna dig everything man and we're gonna find IT. You know, IT! IT! IT! Also, it's warmer here in California (I left the East Coast in the early AM, and compounded with my insomnia and the three-hour time change ... well, here we are) and I'm here with Haviland and therefore this particular post comes with VIDEO!

I've uploaded this super-special video VLOG PREVIEW to blogger rather than YouTube because YouTube is trashy and I'm not that kind of girl. I mean because I'm sleepy and YouTube is cranky. I mean it's because I'm in California, and it's sunny (except not now, 'cause it's night), and because I'm punk, and so is your Mom. Because YouTube takes too long and this is just a preview anyhow it's not professional I did it in iMovie.

I'm accumulating footage -- I've still got stuff from November, I've got outtakes from my most recent journey to Alexi's Closet, The Hot One (Haviland) and I filmed some advice vlog today (also I cut off all my hair again last week, these things happen) ... and we're gonna film a little more while I'm out here (coming back Sunday) so feel free to posit any advice questions to us in the comments or at askautowin@yahoo.com. ENJOY!

I Know, I Know, I Know, You're Still my VLOG: Hav & Riese Vlog #33 with bonus "Alexi's Closet" outtakes.

As I said last year, December is for Top-Ten Writers as winter is for Polar Bears and other mammals of the Ice Ages or whatever. So even though there wasn't a Top Ten yesterday, there'll be many Top Tens this month, never fear. It's Best Of time! I'm still pondering Top Ten Weirdest Weirdos of 2008, which's my most important list. I'm thinking about having a catergory on there for the weirdest commenter of 2008. In the meantime - NEW vlog featuring exclusive Alexi's Closet outtakes from our guest spot that you won't see on AfterEllen and more footage from our recent Vlog shoot.

Wanna hear a funny story? Okay so on Thanksgiving we made a vlog so that we'd have lots of footage heading into the winter season, but somehow we managed to record the whole thing without sound. They don't teach you this stuff in college. I put up a curtain though. Then I sneezed and broke my back. I'm hungry. Let's watch a video!

The next vlog will include our additional advice column Q&As. I think from now on, if you write us for advice, it should probs be a problem you imagine you may have in the future. Like if you're itchy right now, you might have sexually transmitted cholera in two months, you never know, so it's best to think ahead. I don't like thinking ahead, obviously. Sometimes. Whatevs.

Apparently also as of two weeks ago YouTube has now changed all its players to widescreen, which means everyone who's ever made a 4:3 video before (all of mine, for example, except the logo awards and the cruise) are gonna have videos that look like crap with black bars on the sides for now and forever more. I changed the size of the embedded video here, but it'll look different on the youtube page. If anyone knows if there's a way to override that on Youtube, let me know.

Where did the Good VLOG Go? Look it in the eyes ... Haviland & Riese Vlog #31 with advice!

[UPDATE: Vlog is actually working now. Sorry, I drifted off at 4:30 A.M. and forgotten I'd set it to private just in case it messed itself up. It's working! Watch it!] Sorry I've not written anything real in a while -- I think I've been trying to focus most of my writing-related energies to the novel this month. Howevs this week I've been bonding hard core with videos of Haviland Stillwell for all kinds of projects. Also, eating cookie dough out of a roll o'cookie dough we've got in our refrigerator. At night I lie in bed and worry that I face an insurmountable pointless day up ahead, it's part hopelessness and part ambitious anxiety. Part energy and part empty. You know what I mean?

Anyhow, we made a vlog. In it, you can see the signs of aging. It's uploading right now. It's been uploading for such a long time!!! omg. It's 3 AM, I wanna go to bed. We paid Time Warner a bajillion dollars to mess up three times and now that they've gone, we have full cable in the living room that we're paying for, but no more free cable in our rooms -- just four channels or something -- and the internet is now hella slow. Srsly, I want to support Prop No More Time Warner.

So in this vlog, featuring me -- Riese -- as well as Rising Star Haviland Stillwell and rising punctuation mark Semi-chi Rodriguez We're doing the advice column -- and may I say our advice is particularly piss-poor this time around -- in pieces, and on video. If you have any follow-up questions, such as "can I have actual advice?" please do drop us a line at askautowin@yahoo.com.

This week we delve into exciting territories such as: ourselves and my feelings about aging, punctuation, gay moms, straight girl crushes (breaking new ground on this one obvs/jk) and the taste of your cherry chapstick.

So Yeah, WE DID. (See our Planet Harlem Obama Party in VIDEO). You Lose Some, You Oughta Win Some!

Last night = obvs a historic occasion. Not only did I slice my leg open (re: your questions in the comments -- that's defo not the blood dripping down, I literally did get sliced from knee to ankle) but Barack Obama WON the election AND -- inspired by these events and vodka, I willingly traveled TOWARDS, rather than away from, a large mass of human beings congregated in one small space. Not only this, but said human congregation was at the intersection of 125th & Adam Clayton Powell, in New York, NY, one block from my old apartment. We made you a video about it! [below] And it was beautiful, so fucking amazing, there's no place on earth I would've rather been. A jubilant & incredibly diverse crowd -- our collective joy broke into blossom, turned into amber waves of grain, and will now fed our hearts and souls forevs and evs. We did it!

I've really enjoyed, deep in the little embers of my ever-loving heart, reading your comments last night and today. You're all so special and warm my heart, seriously, you've all said such amazing things.

You know when you can't help but SMILE? I hear this happens to other people all the time, but I am a tin-man/vampire, so.

OMG! How many "omgkfasjdaklj" texts did you send last night? OMG, i KNOW! Me too!!!

As for Prop 8 -- the fight isn't over. That's all I can talk about right now, as I don't think I can handle any bittersweet in my sweet today. I'll deal with it, I'm not gonna block it out like I did with other childhood traumas, a psychological coping mechanism that made me into the batshit crazy person I am today. I'm gonna deal with it like later on tonight or this week. Tegan & Sara, btw, are leading a prop 8 protest rally in WeHo tonight. That's amazing. I love America!

Also, nice job Palin. You are so over, we need a new word for over.

Every now and then, there comes an event so magical, and so huge, that I don't feel I can do it justice in any way except to run around the streets and scream with people. Mostly, I feel you've probs read enough of my words and the words of others today. C'mon, you know how I feel my feelings today, obvs.

So I've made you a video. We took the camera last night but weren't that good at filming important stuff, but you know how I like to turn straw into gold. And by gold I mean "goldplated" but it's the thought that counts.

It's a little corny, I have some of Obama's speech in Grant Park there as well as footage from our jaunt, which you witnessed in writing last night as I live-blogged. A;ex and I went next door (our friends are my neighbors!), got Chase & Ang, and went right to Planet. Obvs. Among other amazing things I overheard was "Who's house is it?" "THE BLACK HOUSE!"

Also, this guy walked past me and said "You need some change, right?" in a burst of enthusiasm and I was confused, as was Alex, I was like "is he saying that I'm gonna be the poor one now? If he is, that's kind of amazing and awesome, but why is he offering me change? Is it my outfit?" and then I realized he was talking about the other kind of change. You know, THE CHANGE WE NEED.

[Great article about Rachel Maddow in New York Magazine, P.S.]

You can see some of last night's brill insanity. Wheeee!!!!!


Also, an update on my leg -- it still looks pretty much the same, perhaps slightly worse, but is beginning to scab. Stay tuned for more updates!!!

This post is now in VIDEO!!! No on 8 PSA by Hav & Riese, Semi-Automatic Fun of Day 4 of 8 Against 8 and the first day of the rest of your life!

[Quick question: know any good websites to find cheap & interesting furniture? comment, let me know.] WE MADE A VIDEO PSA FOR 8 AGAINST 8 watch it now thanks.


Once the election is over, I'm gonna have to figure out what the F I'm doing with my life, but 'til then -- there's some good news! We've already surpassed the $8,000 goal for 8 Against 8 (!!!!), but the fight is far from over. We're continuing to fundraise through October 27th, which means you've still got plenty of time to donate money and/or give me your g-dforsaken photograph and therefore possibly win a copy of The L Word Season Five on DVD, an invigorating television series about what happens when people stop getting married and start getting "real." You can also win a DVD of Good Dyke Porn. Don't say I don't treat you right.

Check out this new video Vote No on 8 from the Feminist Majority Foundation -- Caroline & Heather are in it, and so is Rickie Vasquez/Wilson Cruz (you may remember all these kids from our NewNowNext awards videos) and the girl from Grey's Anatomy and Haviland's No.1 feeling Amy Brenneman.

These efforts and many like them are the reason why at least one "new statewide survey released by the Public Policy Institute of California (PPIC) with funding from The James Irvine Foundation (PDF) has found that Prop 8 is now losing among likely voters, 52 percent to 44 percent." (@pam's house blend). As we learned through the AP's "Obama-McCain race is tightening" post yesterday, though, polls can be totally off base. We've also gotten press from SheWired, feministing, Nerve.com, The L Word Online, Pandagon, Gay Wired, Lavender Newswire, afterellen (obvs), Bilerco Project, Good as You, etc. I've also noticed a lot of y'all linking to us and it warms my heart every time. If you haven't already, do it now!

So please donate, please fight, and please indulge in a little vanity for me. (most recent 8 on 8 photo is always visible in the most recent 8 on 8 post)

So, remember -- if you donate, or if you send me a photo for the No-on-8 Quilt, you'll be entered in a drawing to win any of the following prizes:

1. A copy of The L Word Season Five on DVD (2 sets to give out)
2. A copy of The Best of Good Dyke Porn DVD (1 set)
3. Auto-Insomnia 'Zine #1 (2)
4. Auto-Gear of your choice (check the store page to see if your size is in stock)

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Auto-Fun time!.

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Quote: "I remember thinking; 'This is the beginning of happiness.' That's what I thought. 'So this is the feeling. This is where it starts. And of course there'll always be more.' It never occurred to me: it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment, right then." (The Hours: the screenplay, by David Hare)

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Links:
1. The best thing I've read this week: Why I Blog by Andrew Sullivan (@the atlantic monthly)
2. Dating advice from Sarah Palin impersonators (includes Sara Benicasa!!) (@nerve.com)
3. Hip Young People Hating Gay Marriage (@radar online)
4. My agent represents Brian Slattery -- I remember reading the proof of Spaceman Blues and literally being blown away by the first few pages (it's so rare that such excellent work will arrive on an agent's desk from a new writer). Here's an exclusive interview about his new book Liberation, a link to a free electronic version of SB. (@mediabistro)
5. Apparently the glut of crap free online writing will lessen in the new economy. Maybe someone will pay me someday for something. (@internet evolution)
6. The Insiders: How John McCain came to pick Sarah Palin. [it wasn't such a surprise after all] (@the new yorker)
7. The Future of Words, by Dave Eggers -- it's from September, but I just read it, and I like it. (@esquire)
8. itube: Why 23, 201 people care that Justine Exarik just ate a cookie, by emily gould. (@technology review)
9. The Look is the Same, the Labels Have Changed: on Sarah Palin's makeover. (@nytimes)
10. The American Dream is a Biological Impossiblity. (@wired)
11. Seven Biggest Blunders of the 2008 election. (@salon)

are you human, or are you VLOG-star?

The news goes so fast these days we can hardly keep up with our Sarah Palin jokes. I used the last of our footage for this vlog. I've also included footage shot w/A;ex while I was living w/her and her parents on Long Island & footage shot w/Natalie while I was living w/her and someone else's parents in Harlem. I've got parental issues.

So the is about America, Natalie, and how Alex still has Angelina Jolie posters all over her walls. Caitlin and I had a lot of feelings about Alex's room and most importantly its Gwen Stefani wallpaper when we first saw it. In fact we instantly dashed to Barnes & Noble to buy every mag featuring an Angelina spread.

When Alex got our present she yelled at us for supporting the tabloid journalism industry but our laughter drowned out her protests. We were very amused over what we perceived to be our incredible funiness, cleverhood, talentship and invention, and we were and saying things like "Alex, we wouldn't want you to miss this shot of Angie and Shiloh for over your bed!" "Alex, this is an important photograph!"

I have the teevee on mute and Janice Dickinson just pushed a greasy muscled boy into a swimming pool. All the other boys, also in Speedos, are standing at the side of the pool trying to look like the Marlboro Man, I think. I'm glad I have it on mute. i bet the noise would be annoying.

Did you know Lozo stopped writing his blog? I'll probs get all his traffic now. Football. Basketball. This stupid girl on the bus. Baseball. Hi Lozo fans! Anyhow, when I used to think to myself; "Riese, why do you spend so much time on your blogs when it's not really financially lucrative and you really should be focusing on other things, like your career, or long-term plans for life, or writing a book or freelancing or making a living, or that baby you had in Montana that one summer with that ranchboy who smelled like haystacks, where is that baby now?" -- I would then answer myself like this: "Well, Lozo does it."

That's my policy in life. If I can think of one other person who does what I'm doing and seems okay with it then I am in the clear. But now that Lozo isn't doing it, I don't know how to answer myself when I question myself like that. I have a lot more thoughts on this topic, specific thoughts and lists, etc. But this post is going to be about the vlog. It's 3 A.M., I should be asleep, especially since I broke all my fingers from typing too much.

Also now on the teevee they have Janice dressed up like a trannie hooker princess, and all the other kids are dressed like goblins. I have a lot of questions about America. Maybe this vlog will answer them. Actually this vlog is about nothing more than any vlog has ever been about nothing before. the only "greater meaning" I can gleam from the wreckage is that we have a lot of things happening in our head a the same time.:

PART TWO! Alice Pieszecki Interviews Sarah Palin ... like O like BAMA in your VLOG

Enough about mememememe, let's get to part two of the magical video of "Alice Pieszecki in Lesboland"'s exclusive interview with Sarah Palin. Part One is here. Then I'm going straight to bed, I promise. Goodnight moon, goodnight mouse, Vote or Die, What's the Deal Denbo?. That was just me free-associating. I do that sometimes.

Here's a video by Riese starring Haviland Stillwell and it's actually an interview that was filmed live in the famous Planet cafe in West Hollywood, California, the little town of big bad choices.

I'm excited for the debate tonight, I hope John McCain's arms fall off and Cindy divorces him for Sarah Palin and then they become like an older T.A.T.U, but for Jesus, so I can not buy their songs on itunes. Like ever.

Autowin Exclusive! Alice Pieszecki Interviews Sarah Palin ... like O like BAMA in your VLOG

Hey there! Remember tonight when Joe Biden opened up a can of whoop-ass on Sarah Palin? That was cool. Not mooseburger-cool, but cool. No, cooler than that. I bet you're wondering about Haviland Stillwell, remember her, my best friend, she moved to Los Angeles, leaving me here in the dark and heartless city of non-angels. Well, I have a video. Maybe it's related to both Haviland and Sarah Palin, and maybe it's not. Maybe it's not stellar quality, but I know who we can blame for that. Um, well, I'm not going to blame all of man made actions on the quality of youtube videos, but I don't really think that's the point. The point is there's a problem, and I'm not fixing it. I wouldn't run this country if you paid me. JK. I'd do anything if you paid me. Hand job anyone?

Also, if you've got a youtube account, please rank it five stars. Some asshole voted 1 star, probs it was Piper, and we're trying to do some damage control. You know how I am about winning.

What You See is YES WE CAN: "Vote Autowin in '94" VIDEO! Flannel, Flannel Everywhere!

If there was a ride at Disneyworld called "The 1994 Experience" or "Carousel of Progress to 1994," we could all time travel to 1994 and then I'd totally win the Hot Blogger Contest, 'cause that's the year I wore headgear and a lot of flannel. Also, I LOVE time travel. If you haven't voted for me yet, what are you waiting for?! Don't you believe in freedom? Actually, looking back on the 26 prestigious years of my life, I think I probs looked the worst between '93-'96. When I'm a senior citizen, it's likely I'll look like Dorothy from Golden Girls (on account of my towering amazonian stature), which'll be depressing, so then I'm gonna OD on Vioxx and die beautiful like Kurt Cobain. See, I kinda just brought it back around.

See, I could pack right now, or get my life together or cry violently, but why do that when I could campaign? I love campaigning! So many fleetingly imperative blogging contests to auto-win, so little time! Maybe I should put my actual banner back up. Actually the problem now is that I can't find my actual banner anywhere on my hard drive.

Anyhow! I'm short on time, so I decided that 'cause I'd already begun making a tribute to 1994 video for part two of the "Back in the 90's" Top Ten, I could easily transform that artistic masterpiece into my campaign video! Obvs I was inspired by Obama tonight, YES WE CAN! Also I especially liked Barney Smith. That man is gonna be a star like Haviland.

The picture is smashed or something. Much like life itself, I can't seem to make this work. I'm aiming for the Top 40, like Casey Casum! Click out to the youtube page to see it in high quality. Also when you are in the male section, obvs vote for Atherton.

i'm a VLOG Crash, but i have to get up, and every morning it's a clean-up

Y'all, I'm still waiting for my copies of LYING to come in the mail, so all apologies to anyone waiting on auto-gear or contest updates. In the meantime, I'd suggest deerskin, k-mart, and modge podge. Guess what? I made a vlog. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a "three." We answer two "advice column" questions, though they were more like the kinds of questions you'd ask your girlfriends while enjoying a game of Girl Talk. Still every child deserves his or her day in the sunshine -- or behind the veil of a color filter I can't seem to get rid of.

So! I should be a salesman! Here it is -- Hav & Riese Vlog 467. I mean, 29.

Also: send your questions to askautowin@yahoo.com. We've already gone through all the questions except two, and we can't answer those two until we get two more, which means someone's sitting at home with a girlfriend who's got a massive crush on Susan Powter not knowing what the eff to do with herself. You can make stuff up, we won't know, unless you're one of the 3-4 people we speak to regularly. We just want to tell you what to do! That's all we ever want to do! Help people! The meat of this blog -- the words and the video -- would suggest I might need someone to help me. But before the storm, please welcome the pleasing valleys of its meadow for now.

We MUST!: Rosie Cruise '08 Part #1 With Vlog, Words, Photos, and a Snack

So, I'm on the Rosie Cruise right now and when it's over I’m moving to Halifax, Nova Scotia. Halifax is packed with bookstores (including a feminist/queer store called "Venus Envy") and therefore reminds me of Ann Arbor before The Man/A-E-Phi took over. Coincidentally, Halifax is Ellen Page’s hometown (“I LOVE Ellen Page. I want to EAT HER FACE!” – Riese, Jan. '08), though we didn’t spot her during our Self-Guided Shore Excursion on Wednesday -- I think Ellen’s career is peaking right now so she’s probs making an edgy film in L.A or New York or one of those other big show-bizzy cities filled with annoying people who’ve got bogus body parts and drink sugar-free syrup/eat babies for breakfast. I live in New York City, but trust me if my neighbors had fake body parts, they’d look a lot better than they do, I’ve seen better waist-to-hip ratios on a fried chicken. JK, I love all people and actually loathe fried chicken, so there you go.

Also my keyboard feels like it’s on fire, it must be all the gay magic. Or it could be the boat, which is presently rocking back and forth, making me feel crazy/nauseous. Maybe it’s my hands. Maybe I have magic hands! I have magic hands! I like chips!

Hello o-pirates! Look, I've got a multimedia Friday for ya. I'll go into details -- e.g., extremely compelling details about Our Grand Vaycay -- when I return to the asphalted treachery of my regular life. I'm sure I'll have a lot of feelings and consequentially a book club, poetry, auto-fun, advice column vlog installments, late-night confessionals, streams of consciousness, top tens and totes random weirdohood.

For now ... firstly, a VIDEO of Haviland & I & Layla Love and a vlog in our room and all kinds of things well okay I made this movie for y'all this afternoon. Caitlin is becoming quite the cameraperson, p.s..:

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"Leaving New York -- never easy -- I saw the light fading out."
-R.E.M.
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“I wish we were on the boat right now,” Haviland is liable to moan on any of the 358 days of the year she’s not on it. After the boat, there is only “boat” and “not boat.”
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Boat: At 6 A.M. we’re on yoga mats at the fitness center waiting for Susan Powter to yell at us, to tell Caitlin “If I was that tall, I’d be illegal!” and to tell the fitness center employee “I like you, but I don’t like your penis” and to tell all of us that we’re sexy/beautiful/the future. How long will we wait?

Me: “We will wait until she comes. We must be patient, like the Jews at Mt. Sianai. They waited, and then Moses came down with the Ten Commandments."
Fellow Disciple: "Not everyone waited. There was the golden calf--"
Me: "Exactly. Thou shalt not worship false idols, and we will wait for Susan."

And we did. And it was worth it. And I can barely walk today, neither can Alex, we feel like our hamstrings have been through a tractor pull.

I'm listening to Tegan & Sara, I started jonesing. This is strange: here, now. Relatively alone at the computer in the internet cafe, paying for it, and so on, alone with my music and the words. It's the writing that makes me crazy, though I couldn't have it any other way. I'm not just saying this 'cause I'm reading Orlando.

Tuesday night I dreamt that the ninth plague was miniature cats dropping from our ceiling.

Susan's commandments are strict/sexy/beautiful/the future. She gets crazier every year. More on this later. Caitlin's written down some of her commandments and we will be gathering these, grasshoppers, and then we will bless you with them.

Modeling Through it in Halifax - 1
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Album Cover (Title: "Modeling Through It")
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Boat: I never return to anything. It’s a minor miracle I’ve spent over a year in my present apartment, and summer camp’s cliques and obsessive heterosexuality and insider-y gossip never worked for me so I never returned. Next year, a new camp, and then another, and another. But this’s my third fucking cruise. MY THIRD “CRUISE.” Aren’t I too cynical for all this? No, of course not. There’s water underneath and around us. No-one cares what you’re wearing or who you’re kissing and we’re too cut off to feasibly work while on board. So that's a few reasons why it's magic.

Boat: The entertainment’s appeal is never what I’d anticipated – in ’06, Cyndi Lauper and Kathi Griffin were – just as I expected – amazing. But I didn’t know Broadway Belters would be like a highlight reel of the last twenty years of Tony-award winning performances or that Hav & Brandi Massey doing Defying Gravity would almost bring me to tears, or that Elvira Kurt would be so fucking funny. Last year Sandra Bernhard wasn’t spectacular and we left Erasure early, but we made our own entertainment (“Living it Out” reading) and under certain circumstances, I found beaches and sunshine not only tolerable but lovely.

This year it's Julie Goldman. Literally the best/funniest stand-up I've seen all my life.

Boat:We decided to have a rolling race down a hill in Halifax (a.k.a. my future home), but halfway down I started feeling itchy and everyone thought I was kidding when I said I think I've developed an allergy to grass (I tend to exaggerate a lot) but whatevs. Anyhow, we made a lot of memories. And because we're all here, and I'd like to foster a spirit of togetherness and sisterhood under the light of the moon of the glow of all my sisters and brothers all over the world, I'm going to share them with you.

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Caitlin keeps on rolling.
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This is when I gave up and ran down the hill.
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Caitlin and Alex - still rolling after all these years
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Sooooo ... 'cause I want book club to be really good, and 'cause I owe y'all a "Stuff I've Been Reading" like WHOA, I'm gonna hold off on that discussion 'til I reach the shore. I'd tell you when that is, except I've got no idea what day it is and I'm in denial about any semblance of a life outside of here.

I've gotta get back to the room before Alex falls asleep, therefore lessening the chances I'll talk her into a grilled cheese.

H & R Advice Column #3/VLOG #27: You've Got Feelings, We've Got Video

Hello friends & family, welcome to your audio-visual entertainment one-stop megashop of the world wide webbernets. This week, in honor of Haviland's East Coast presence and a busy few weeks, we bring you our Third Very Famous Advice Column as a VLOG. This is Part One, containing only 50% of your feelings/our answers. I've also transcribed the questions below -- though slightly paraphrased and condensed -- in a fuller form than what we read on video. We thought it'd be best to read/answer live on camera, and as I'm presently cutting & pasting said questions, I'm realizing ... um. Well, we skimmed. We did what we could do!

Anyhow, definitely watch the movie first, it's funnier that way and it's kinda okay. You know I'm telling the truth, because that? What just happened? See what I did there? That's not what I do.

Right ... that was actually be the first time in my entire life I've recommended visual entertainment over reading. I never, ever, ever do that. Obvs the secret about flying lesbians and the video Papi sent us from her cave are in the video.

Tune in to find out how to be a bisexual, have a climax, and overcome your addiction to sex with pineapples.

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Dear H&R,

If you'd told me four years ago I'd ever fall for a girl, I'd have laughed in your face -- all my relationships were with boys. My senior year of high school I had a drunken makeout with my best friend -- a girl -- and while hammered we made out a few more times that summer, but it was always innocent. Now we remember it as wild, reeling with our impending independence, fundamentally ridiculous, etc. I went to college and dated boys, did bad things, and eventually met a boy I thought was the one. When we broke up two years later, we didn't stay friends 'cause we'd been such assholes during the breakup.

Senior year of college I was heartbroken & alcoholic, trying to have fun. Then I met a girl. We were both straight but we started having weird feelings we'd never had for a girl before and eventually (drunk of course) we finally made out. We freaked out, decided it was a mistake ... and we failed future attempts to not talk or just be platonic when we did. We didn't know what we were doing, so we drank a lot and said "fuck it, let's give it a shot." We tried to keep it casual, "Papi Doesn't Do Breakfast," etc., but when we were sober (an increasingly frequent state) it got really relationship-y. We'd freak out. WTF OMG. Why am I in love with a girl. Dated on and off for about a year but ultimately she was uncomfortable about being with a girl forevs, due to her traditional family. It's been mostly a surprisingly amicable/healthy break-up. We love each other but know it's not right.

We both date boys now. When my gaymo friends take me to the bar, I don't look at anyone. Am I just attracted to straight girls? Are there any other weirdos out there like me? Is it possible to just go gay for one person? I've always considered myself a Kinsey 5, but then there's that year-long aberration ... am I not being open-minded enough?

Also ... since I've never had an ex-girlfriend before ... we're both affectionate still. Haven't entirely adjusted to the "just friends" thing. I don't think we want anything to happen, but we do non-sexy cuddling that I don't do w/my other female friends. Is that weird? How do you stay "just friends" w/an ex w/o ever acting inappropriate? (i.e.. If they come to visit you from out of town are you supposed to make them sleep on the couch or floor to prevent non-sexy cuddling from happening while you're sleeping?) How do you and Haviland do it??

-Unable to Solve For Ex

[I'd like to add to the plethora of coverage in the vlog ... that anecdotally -- I feel stories like yours usually end up in one or the other or both going back to girls at some point, even if not permanently. Y'know, like in Brokeback Mountain and many popular lesbian romantic comedies. JK, no such thing, but in many books, movies and teevee shows, as well as amongst my friends. In fact, my personal story's not so different from yours, I guess. Ultimately my advice is ... it sounds to me like you're curious about what could happen if you let it ... and if you feel this lingering curiosity is preventing you from getting serious with a boy right now, then look at that and figure out what to do with it. If not, then just keep on living/loving/laughing and see what happens. It took me about six years to acclimate to the possibility myself -- and I come from a liberal town with a gay mom, went to art school, live in New York City, and have befriended a significant number of attractive gay female friends. I'd recommend you read Tipping the Velvet & A Woman Like That & Surface Tension and take The L Word 'What Character are You?" quiz on facebook.

So my friend, the world is your bisexual oyster. Eat it up/out.]

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[I realized we just assumed this was written by a woman, though I don't know why made that assumption. Hm. Unless I left something behind while paraphrasing.]

Dear H & R,

My girlfriend and I have the beginnings of a problem. Its a sex thing so if you consider that an inappropriate topic please stop reading and hit delete. I promise not to be offended.

For about two weeks it's been difficult for her to reach climax during sex. She wants sex, but it happens even when she's the initiator. It's not that she's physically unable, 'cause she eventually does, and it's less intense. It doesn't actually bother me, but it bothers her, like I'm waiting on her or something, and I don't wanna do that. She says there's nothing different she'd like to try and our relationship hasn't suffered yet.

But I feel a little inadquete even though she says it's not me and don't know what to do/say.

We've been together for almost 10 years, there's been no other recent changes in our lives, she's not cheating ..

Thanks,
Story of O

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Dear Riese and Haviland,

For many years, I have lived in fear. I have many, many demons that I am afraid to even speak of, for fear that once let loose upon the Internet, they will haunt me forever. But you two ladies seem very worldly and wise (and have great asses, too), so I think you can help me with my problems.

First and foremost, I have a problem with fruit. And it's not allergies, phobias or anything that simple. You see, I am uncontrollably attracted to fruit products, and I am unable to make it through a day without having sex with a piece of fruit.

You name it, I've boinked it . Watermelon, regular melon, grapes (sadly) and coconuts. Those were always the toughest, but hey, you don't go to Hawaii on vacation to not fuck a coconut, you know? Ha! LOL OMG!

But my addiction is out of control. I have to order Fresh Direct these days because grocery stores won't let me in anymore. If I walk past all that fruit, it's too much. Do you know what it's like to have security toss you outside with your pants down and you erection impaled on an apple? Of course you don't.

I've tried getting off fruit on my own, but it's just too hard. There's no patch for my addiction, so I tried to ween myself off fruit sex by wrapping my johnson in fruit roll-ups. Alas, it just heightens the excitement. I am at a complete loss.

Are there support groups? Clubs? I'm desperate here. If you can solve this problem for me, I'll let you know of my other deep, dark secrets.

OMG, LOL, LMAO, ROTFLMAO, OMFG, Whatevs,
Fruit Salad Jones

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You guys, the cruise leaves So soon! Yay!

Happy Independence Day!

Hey Kids! Guess what, it's the Fourth of July! Light a cracker on fire! I'm in the Dirty Jerz this weekend and won't be blogging 'til Monday, BUT -- I will definitely be commenting on July 3rd's "Auto-Win Book Club #1a: The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (page 165)" and I am really loving hearing what everyone thinks about it too, it's really awesome.

FYI, here in the United States, The Land of Freedom, we commemorate the anniversary of the day the Brits decided to leave us to deal with our own drama.

Last night I couldn't sleep, insomnia stronger than sleep aids! Too many thoughts, too many ideas, and my brain far too tired from aforementioned thoughts/ideas to accomplish anything of substance, e.g., packing.

So I read Orlando for a little while and read The Warhol Diaries for a little while and then Tinkerbell made a movie. It's silly and not good, but Haviland & Carly & Alex & Tinkerbell & Matthew are in it, and they'd like you to see it. Also there's flying lesbians, like celebrity circus!



happy fourth and keep talking about Wao, I know I will!
xoxo

We Will We Will VLOG You

So much footage and so little time! Speaking of time: time has a way of ticking on, 'cause of clocks, and before long it'll be Thursday night and The Rockford Peaches (a prestigious team including all-stars like me, Carly, Caitlin and Alex) will be playing their second basketball game in reportedly ugly shirts. I missed the first game, which was probs best for everyone. In this vlog, we discuss our impending athletic doom (facilitated by Carly, who roped us into a NYC Professionals Basketball League even though I'm defo not a professional. I actually thought it was a lesbian league, which'd mean all the players are bonded by sexuality and therefore not implying particular athletic prowess by participating. This is not the case. Mostly, we're hoping it'll provide fodder to make fun of each other afterwards).

Also, Haviland's here, we snatched her up at the airport on Monday night at about two hours past my [aimed-for, but never achieved] bedtime. The whole place smelled like B.O., but we waited, which is true love/friendship, clearly.

Riese: "I'm gonna sweat so much at the basketball game, it's gonna look like I just took a shower in all my clothes within 20 seconds of the first quarter. I'm gonna be like the Swamp Thing."
Caitlin: "Everyone will be sweating."
Riese: "No one will be sweating as much as me."
Haviland: "Riese, you published an article in MARIE CLAIRE about how much you sweat. You won a sweating award. I think everyone's fully aware that you have hyperhidrosis and will be sweating."
Riese: "They'll probs just think I'm a cokehead."
Caitlin: [does the groan she does that means the same thing as Haviland's "Really Riese? Really?"]

As I've mentioned probs 500 times this week, I haven't played basketball since my 5th-8th grade tenure on The Emerson Eagles, which concluded just before puberty (I was a late bloomer). We played spring ball in a Rec league & fall ball in a special private school league, and managed to lose every single game except one. Emerson performed a lot better in Mathletes, Quiz Bowl and Magic the Gathering than it did in girls' b-ball.

So. Today I have this pebble for you. A vlog of some quality featuring Carlytron & Matthew as well as never-before-seen footage starring Haviland and Alex. This is what's in it:

1. Discussion about Incest.
2. Haviland's reading of Supr's supreme drunken comment from autowin.
3. Our basketball team.
4. A preview of our basketball game.

And also, so much more.

Pardon Me, But Wasn't that your VLOG? That I Felt On the Bed In Between the Sheets?

The thing is; I have an air conditioner in my room. But what happens when I leave my room? How long can I survive on only crackers? It's totally "Do the Right Thing" around here, and "around here" extends to both my kitchen and my neighborhood. Anyhow, some of you live in other countries and aren't experiencing what we're experiencing. Want an experience we can all experience together, like a family? Well, I've got one. It's called "a vlog," and if you've got broadband internet access, we can share this moment together, 'cause caring is sharing.

Haviland's coming to visit super-soon, I can't wait! But in the meantime in between time, Carlytron has valiantly stepped up and vlogged her little ass off with her roommate Matthew and her lesbian dog Saffron. Topics include: flying lesbians. Also, Cesar was there but he wouldn't participate and therefore he was punished.

A;ex just told me it's hard to hear in some parts and that she'd probs have to listen to it 7-8 times. Which's fine, that ups the views. I-movie won't let me make the music quieter than 7%, which is actually apparently a lot. What you're going to have to do is listen up. Like in gym class, when the teacher was like: "listen up."

I got nostalgic for Final Cut (which I didn't use, 'cause I film vlogs on imovie, so that seemed counterproductive) while editing this today. I feel like that's a good sign. It's a sign that one day, I'll learn how to use Final Cut. As Adele would say: "cut, print ..."

Auto-Fun of the Day :: 5-30-2008

I still don't know how to use Final Cut, but I gave it my all -- the Logo NewNowNext Awards Red Carpet Video is up on youtube: (1) Part One & Part Two. It's also up on The L Word Online's video page.

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quote: "Sometimes I think the people to feel the saddest for are the people who are unable to connect with the profound -- people such as my boring brother-in-law, a hearty type so concerned with normality and fitting in that he eliminiates any possibility of uniqueness for himself and his own personality. I wonder if some day, when he is older, he will wake up and the deeper part of him will realize that he has never allowed himself to truly exist, and he will cry with regret and shame and grief." (Douglass Coupland, "Life After God.")

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links:
2) Jenny Allen is The Sleepless Woman -- "I fall asleep, boom, and then, four or five hours later, I wake up—like it’s my turn on watch, like I’ve just had a full night’s sleep. But if I act as if I’ve had a full night’s sleep, if I get up and do things, I will be pitiful tomorrow. I will confuse the TV remote with the cordless phone and try to answer it. I will not notice any of my typos—I will type “pubic school” this and “pubic school” that in e-mails to people whose public schools I am looking at for my daughter.": I'm Awake. Are You Awake? (@the new yorker)
3) This article reminded me of what happened with me & [redacted] magazine ... except my story never ran. [blessing in disguise, in so many ways.]: "The Times Magazine dapples Sunlight On Its Memoirist." (@the ny observer)
4) Jeanette Winterson interviewed for the Sydney Writer's Festival (@sydney morning herald)
5) "What is it about designers? Who are we and why are we the way we are?" Because they're cute, obvs! : "Defining the Designer" (@viget inspire)
6) RKB interviews Kerry Cohen on publishing and her "memoir of promiscuity" (@lusty lady)
7) Video games might not be that bad for you, but I still don't want to watch you play them. (@the prospect)
8) We'll find out tonight! "If SATC the series was promotions heavy, SATC the movie is positively heaving.": "Why retail hopes for Sex and the City won't pay off." (@slate.com).
8a) Classical Allusions in SATC: "Urban Mythology" (@radar)
9) "12 out writers share insights into the genres in which they tell their stories" -- this segment includes Sarah Waters and Rebecca Walker: In Their Own Words (@afterellen)
10) Hope! Hope! Now gays can get married in the sunshine, return to the trash and traffic, remain married: Paterson Sneaks Gay Marriage in Through the Back Door (@nymag)

Auto-Fun & NEWNOWNEXT VIDEO of the Day :: 5-23-2008

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, fairies, ponies, unicorns, uh huh her groupies, tinkerbell and littlefoot, etc.: I'd like to share with you, before the auto-fun and the snack (graham crackers and peanut butter w/apple juice obvs), a short film. This film was created by me because last week we attended the Logo NewNowNext awards and now I'm supposed to have a video for The L Word Online documenting our efforts. That video will come. Just like rain, snow and me to Carly's office to teach me this g-dforsaken program (Final Cut Express). Using the four or five skills I mastered on FC today, I've assembled a little preview/teaser. I like the word "teaser," it's like oh! Is that a feather on your nose or are you just happy to tease me? Etc. I encourage you to visit the youtube page to view this, you can select "high quality" and it's way better. This video includes superstars like Me, Alex Vega, Caitlin's voice behind the camera, our friend Carly, Michelle Williams, Heather Matarazzo (and her GF Caroline who we know from Cruise '07), Wilson Cruz (RICKIE VASQUEZ!), Candis Cayne, Cyndi Lauper, Billy Eichner, The Dazzle Dancers, Heloise Williams and the Savior Fair, Michelle Paradise, Maeve Quinlan and Jack Mackenroth.

Also our super talented friend Robin does photography for them and so she made lots of memories for us:

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quote: "We can so easily slip back from which we have struggled to attain, abruptly, into a life we never wanted; can find that we are trapped, as in a dream, and die there, without ever waking up. This can occur. Anyone who has lifted his blood into a years-long work may find that he can't sustain it, the force of gravity is irresistable, and it falls back, worthless. For somewhere there is an ancient enmity between our daily life and the great work. Help me, in saying it, to understand it." (Rainer Maria Rilke)

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links:
1) How to Judge a Book by Its Cover:"what makes a good blub?" (@the guardian uk books)
2) Possibly not just in it for the drama: La-Lohan & Sam I Am (@jezebel) Although I don't link to the blogs of people I know (in some way) in the auto-fun (see: shared items), I occasionally break that rule when Lozo turns three, or when Stef writes basically a Pulitzer-Prize worthy poetry series about the iconic lesbian couple, LOLohan and Sam-Ro. It's not to be missed, that's why it's linked here AND in the shared items. Forevs and evs. (@big-exit)
3) This year at Thanksgiving I can't forget to be grateful for the cutting-edge New York Times Thursday Styles Trends Pieces, like this one! "I Love What You Didn't Do To Your Chip Nails" : "Like untied high-tops, thread-worn jeans and bedhead, [chipped nail polish is] now part of a deliberate look." (@nytimes)
4) Cameron Mackintosh is trying to "rediscover the heart of Lez Miz." I hope it's in the first hour or so 'cause after that I drifted off. (@The Philadelpia Inquirier)
5) It's the guy they wouldn't let into the country! Sebastian Horsely interviewed: "The Dandy Man Can: Sebastian Horsely, lover of rock and Francis Bacon, gets deported for 'moral turpitude." (@nerve.com)
6) Ellen DeGeneres asks McCain to walk her down the aisle. (@salon.com) and the video is up at jezebel.
7) Thirteen Ways of Looking at Super Mario Bros (@yankee pot roast)
8) I LOVED THIS: "Exposed" by Emily Gould (@the ny times magazine)
9) Poem: "Neck" by Sarah Arvio : "I love you with all my soul / and all my I don't know what else to say / my friendishness and my girlishness." (@the new yorker)
10) I am not the only person on earth who reads while in traffic, in line, on the exercise bike, at the dinner table. This girl does too. She's also got tips on a site that offers books as disguised workish documents: "Wherever you may find the moment". (@reasons you will hate me.)

Under Feet Like Ours, Under Vlogs Like Ours, Uh Huh ... Her.

On Monday night we went to see a music show featuring the band Tegan & Sara, it was quite delightful. I adore Tegan & Sara all over: music, witty banter, stage presence. Natalie remarked, "This is the best rock 'n roll concert I've ever been to!" I'm not gonna divulge how many concerts she claimed to have attended (en total) in her entire life, I'm hoping she may've been exaggerating for dramatic effect on that, like I often do. We've been besties since college, therefore we share some key personality traits, e.g., a tendency to spark up a story with a little glimmer of fiction. On a scale of 1 to 10, this particular post is written at a USA Today reading level. There will be a powerpoint presentation and short video after class, in the meeting room, with danishes. xoxo gossip girl.

I've got a lot of shallow vapidity to cover today, so on with it, yes.

Okay so; Tinkerbell didn't go to T&S, which was valuable foresight, 'cause we all accidentally wore brightly colored hoodies from the same store -- therefore, we already looked like the M&M's Street Team (or the Tellitubbies) and would've looked ridic w/the added element of comedy/childhood/dymensia implied by the tote-age of a stuffed de-strapped dog sporting American Airlines wings.

Luckily, Tink makes plenty of appearances in our latest vlog, which covers the following topics: durrrrr.

Honestly; I think I used all our best footage on the first one, recklessly, w/o any consideration for the future. Perhaps 'cause at that time I had bleak overall feelings about the future. Then, yesterday, I decided instead of hating everyone per always, I'd just love everyone! Really, I mean, it's just as fair/unfair.

Then, only hours after making that new life choice, I was forced to reconsider: some people enjoy, it seems, screaming along to Tegan & Sara's already quite harmonic melodies, therefore reminding me both why I hate everyone and of sing-a-longs in Kindergarten and on Sesame Street. I get the desire -- I do it sometimes too. But you don't need to SCREAM sing along, this isn't System of a Down or heavy metal rockers, they're quite lovely w/o your harmonies. I've seen the Indigo Girls live a bazillion times, so I know from sing-a-longs.

I think it's possible we're getting too old for this -- my companions agreed. Therefore, we'll have to pack the next couple years as full to the brim with this kind of activity as possible.

But really: the concert was awesome, there was loads of witty banter, and I enjoyed spending quality time with Cait, Alex, Stef, Natalie, Chase & Ang and Ms. Jackson. I'd talk about the concert, but how do you talk about concerts, I think that's like dancing about architecture, right? I think I said that last time, but then tried to write about it anyhow, and I imagine whatever I said last time goes for this time too -- I love them, they played this and that song, omg, are you jealous do you wish you'd been there omg. They told lots of cute stories, unfortunately Carly was not there and therefore I had no one to tackle when they played "Living Room," so we all left relatively unscathed. There was heaps of witty banter, like a story for every song, like Raffi! Super-cute.

Maybe Stef will do a cartoon recap?

Afterwards, someone tried to pass off a flier about some other place we could party at (unfortunately, I'd surpassed my daily allotment of "other people time" about four hours prior, also: sleepy sloos time) and Alex whooped and gave them a high-five. We inquired re: whooping, she looked dejectedly at the flier and said: "I thought it said MADONNA, not MONDAY."


So anyhow, we made this vlog. Believe it or not -- 'cause we do enjoy talking about the same things over and over again, and you might think I'm recycling old footage -- this vlog contains 100% all-new never-before-seen footage. Topics include: global warming, the health care system, Encyclopedia Brittanica, Fellini films, your Mom, truth in memoir, flying lesbians, how to get a date with Haviland, dancing lessons from Alex, the United Nations, world peace, and the proper position of second-wave feminist discourse within the modern fourth wave pro-sex feminist movement. JK, it's about nothing at all whatsoever.


Speaking of videos! Leisha & Cam have debuted their video for us (part of the Uh Huh Her SXSW Video Contest Winning Prize Package), and you can watch it here ! Obviously, they were held up in post-production -- special effects, animation, etc. Anyhow, clearly we'll be collaborating in the near future, 'cause I am really good at following people around and talking to strangers. No but honestly, wouldn't that be awesome! I'd be like "Alice, what the frickin' frack?" JK, totally professional, obvs.