Thursday, August 16, 2007

I Want to Draw You a Floorplan of My Head and Heart

[I like beginning posts in parentheticals, clearly. It's sorta the cyber-equivalent of encountering another human and instead of saying "What's up?" just yanking 'em real close and whispering in their ear. I bet that's what strippers do. "Go to a strip club," btw, is something I should put on my list. I've never been to one, though I've seen it on the teevee and obvs I saw Showgirls. Oh! And! Natalie Portman in Closer. About nine months ago when I started running out of ideas for the blog, I wanted to go to a strip club and document it, but then I learned you can't take photos in strip clubs, which decreased my interest by about 99%. Instead I kept writing without new ideas, which's brill and's clearly worked out well. This post would be a good example of that.

Oh but anyhow, the reason we're here in these parens to begin with is that Carly and I are looking for a space to hold auditions on Sunday August the 26th, and if any of you New Yorkers know of a proper space you could donate to the cause of gay television achievements, give a holla.]

In my most recent Sunday Top Ten, inspired by Lozo's inspirational suggestions, I detailed things I would like to do before I die. Item One included a COMPLETELY UN-EDITED list I'd drafted in 2002 which expressed my (somewhat mislead and strangely Eastern-Religion-Centric) pre-death intentions.

In what may seem like a repetitive or unambitious move, but is in fact an AWESOME move ...


1. go to italy, frolic in vineyards like liv tyler: So, in 'Stealing Beauty,' Liv Tyler treks to Italy to lose her V-Card. It's like 'A Sure Thing,' but with really lush yellowy vineyards and Mazzy Star and Art. I don't wanna give away the ending, but let's just say it's not just grapes that got popped on that vineyard. I actually took Italian for a semester, but our teacher sucked and so I kept accidentally skipping class to go frolic on The Diag. I took it Pass/Fail.

2. accept, with grace, one very solid rejection letter for a solid manuscript: My body, while walking down the street, cannot "accept with grace" the prescence of a tree, pole, newspaper-box or other human body. I don't do anything "with grace." Also, what is a "solid" rejection letter? As opposed to a "flimsy" rejection letter?

Perhaps I was referring to the phenomenon of receiving rejection letters from people who haven't actually read the manuscript.

I used to do that all the time when I worked at the lit agency.

Here's an excerpt from my favorite one that I wrote to an aspiring author, which for some reason never got sent, which's why I've still got it :

"Dear Lorna,

Thank you for sending me your manuscript. I appreciate your patience while I've considered your project.

I hope you appreciate my patience in trudging through the first five godawful pages of your manuscript, only to discover that the vomit-inducing opening was actually a dream. I felt, more or less, that you are, perhaps, a bit of a cunt.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for representation.

All Best,

3. solidify musical taste: Obviously I was obsessed with turning liquids into solids, or perhaps turning gas into solids, or something, I don't know. I think I was torn between my boyfriend's Newfound Glory/Good Charlotte and my Melissa Ferrick/Ida. Somewhere between those two poles, I was vacaliting, alarmingly, needing solidification.

4. have a relationship where i don't freak out all the time

There's a few ways to accomplish this. I've done all three:
a) Be a mature grown-up.
b) Date someone you don't really like. Then you can be like "Sure, whatevs, make me watch the Yankees all afternoon, or go out with your ex-wife, I don't care," and sort of secretly hope he falls back in love with his ex-wife, who, hypothetically, he calls "J-Ro," (like J-Lo? But her last name was not "Lopez"? But she was Latina and grew up in the Bronx?), so that then you can go make out with girls.
c) Date someone who freaks out so often that you don't have any time to freak out yourself, because you are constantly mediating their freak-outs. This is also a good way to lose your mind very quickly. If you're into that kind of thing, which apparently I am.

5. make the most masterful mix tape ever: When I do, I will name it "Most Masterful Mix Tape," and the first track will be "Nineteen" by Tegan & Sara.

6. write a book
: So I says to Mabel I says ...

7. make a movie: I'm making a television show. It'll probs be really popular and they'll wanna turn it into a movie, like what happened with "Beavis and Butthead." What did you like better, the movie or the book? I liked the show better, honestly.

8. learn to grill: I can grill. How hard is grilling? I grill shit all the time. I'm the grillmaster. I don't have a grill I live in New York I want to move to Hollywood. a friend start a business that promotes independent artistic visions, or else do it myself: Carly, Haviland and I are putting something together right now to do this exact thing. Seriously you guys ... amazing things are going to happen. I mean not to sound like a H.P.Stillwell text message but AMZING THINGS R HAPPENING!!!! ILY!!!

10. live with ryan again

Ryan and I lived together in Manhattan in 2000, on bunk beds, so super earnest about New York City: eating our Grey's Papaya hot dogs, dating older men with apartments bigger than ours, hosting parties for our cool pre-hipster Hipster friends, like the Poloroid Gallery Opening, when we hung my friend Jake's poloroids on our exposed brick and Sarah got her friend from the Dallas BBQ (where she worked, obvs) to bartend for free. We had a bottle of Triple Sec left over for our entire term of residence. I'd like to live with him again. Once we thought we'd live together forever.

11. find a nest with krista: We did. The East Harlem Nest; our 10,000 books and her nest-like fluffly white bed, which we shared platonically for many months. Seriously. My therapist told me yesterday that I "fold into people." I cannot get that out of my head. All day. "You fold into people." "You fold into people." It's strange to be so independent and simultaneously so reliant on a select few, sometimes dangerously so, sometimes beautifully.

12. join something in which i know not-one; ender bold, unfearing, make honest and uncynical efforts to make new friends: I used to be so scared of people! I mean, really, just petrified! Then I discovered alcohol, the internet, and also, probs, confidence. Urghm.

13. make my own website: To put this in proper context; we still had to wire computers to a wall outlet in order to connect to the internet back then. So like, websites, whoa! Now everyone's got "their own website." Who saw Newsweek this week? I did, Haviland subscribes.

14. have a darkroom in my house, which i use, a lot: "My house." Would be Step One. My parents lived in LA before I was born and Mom always told me how Dad'd turned one of the bathrooms into a darkroom. That'd be hot, another thing to feel guilty about not doing enough of.

15. learn to draw: TB and I drew together a lot; she has great angles, I could draw her forever. "Chase" and I like to [get stoned] and draw with colored pencils and crayons and stuff. Sometimes this has embarassing results, like my illustration of Sean and Emma from Degrassi. Chase is good, though. So is TB. I do okay with cartoons. I think it's too late to learn anything about drawing now. Especially w/o MacDraw.

16. make yoga a regular part of my life

This really approaches some larger issues; like becoming a person who can go to the gym for overall wellness rather than the adreneline shot that is rapid-fire cardio or the slack that is reading magazines on an elliptical trainer.

Howevs, I've made yoga pants a regular part of my life. I think I lived all of 2004 in yoga pants. There're no photographs to contradict this recollection.

Yoga requires patience and calm, and I've got none of that. The idea of yoga stresses me out. I used to go to yoga every week because it helped with my Fibro, and went irregularly before getting real and stopping. My favorite position, if anyone cares, is Downward-Facing Dog, followed closely by "the tree pose." Do with that what you will.

18. learn to meditate: Durrrrrr.

19. climb mount kilamanjaro
I don't think this photo is from KJ, but who cares, my Dad's totes drinking a Budwiser and wearing a Michigan hat on top of this randomized mountain.

20. have a child: This is sort of a gimme.

21. get a job at a magazine or a newspaper: I feel like intern-ing at counts. Freelancing? People ask me often why I'm not working at a magazine.

When I was writing that killed article for [redacted] magazine, my editor was telling me to change the weather reference in my article from snow to spring because: "You can't say that it's like snowing? Because people will be reading this in the spring, it'll be like 70 degrees out, spring, lovely, and they'll be like, ohhhh, snow, yuk," and I was like, "OK, but do you remember the day I was talking about? When there was that awful snowstorm out of the blue? In March, randomly?" And he was like "I don't experience the weather. This is the exciting life of a [redacted] magazine editor: I get up, I go underground, I come up, walk into work, sit in my office, and then, later, when the sun has set, get in a car, go straight home, go to sleep, and wake up again, go back to work." However, when I asked him what would happen if I devoted all this time to the article and it got killed, he said "well, that's the life of a freelancer!" So the grass is always greener, etc.

But really; I don't know if I want this anymore. I don't want it to be like on that annoying MTV show with the blonde girls who are all bitches. Unlike other workplaces, which're filled with kind interesting people. I don't know what I want. Argh. The primary reason I don't work for a magazine is that I have not applied to do so, the secondary reason is that everyone I know who does is overworked, underpaid, and cranky. You have to really believe in the power of finding the right jeans for your body type and the best hair gel of the year.

Wait. I already am overworked, underpaid, and cranky. So maybe I should try to do this. I dunno. Probably this blog would drill 10,000 nails into the coffin of my application.

22. go to sleep early, consistantly, for at least a year: I think that goes hand in hand with having a child/family. At least I hope so, because I don't want to have to be on cocaine in order to have a family, because cocaine is really expensive. Also drugs kill. Also, sometimes if you do a lot of drugs then you have to become a stripper. I learned this on the teevee.

23. learn how to get out of destructive relationships, carve myself into the right ones: Right now, Tegan & Sara are singing in my ears: How do you know when to let go? Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

24. return all phone calls: OR train all your friends to never call you. Yeah? Then you don't have to return phone calls from anyone except for professional things (still a problem) and DirectTV (also, not my problem, as I no longer live in the apartment DirectTV, but somehow, still is).

25. really love my body, even if i will never have a flat stomach: Is this possible, here, today, in Western culture? I can't talk about this one. It makes me feel like a Dove ad or something.

26. help save a chinese baby: "Help"? But not like, do it all the way? I did a project on China's One-Child policy as a senior in high school and was struck with a deep sense of responsibility. It's like going to see some political documentary or something, you leave like "God, I'd be such an asshole to not do something about Global Warming after seeing that." Unless it bored the fuck out of you, and then you'd just be like "Whew, glad that Power Point presentation is over."

27. travel to india: This is probably where I could get more in tune with the meditation mentioned above and the Zen Buddhism described below.

28. learn something concrete and experiential about Zen Buddhism: What does "experiential" mean? Is it possible that my vocabulary has actually gotten worse than it was when I wrote this list? I read Zen Flesh, Zen Bones. Also, I use the word 'Zen' a lot. Like, "I'm trying to be Zen about this," I say a lot. I also refer to this behavior as "passive-passive," which's my general strategy in cohabitation and anything work-related. I don't know anything about Zen Buddhism except what I picked up from The Dharma Bums.

29. gain pregnancy weight and not have a mental breakdown about it: Obvs I hadn't yet seen "The L Word." If I had, I'd've learned that wealthy smokin' hot British women with six-packs enjoy making sweet underwater love to pregnant ladies. I dunno, it could be fun to be fat for a while. I've never really taken up that much space, horizontally, which's clearly why I've always been sort of fascinated by it in more ways than I could describe here w/o sounding like a totes weirdo. Though I also suspect I'll get into that aforementioned yoga thing real fast. Like Christy Turlington. Or Nicole Richie. She's preggers and hasn't gained one ounce.

29. cross-country road trip: Everyone wants to do this. And we all will. The first thing I need is a car, and a really good mix tape-- a masterful mix tape, if you will. It'd be nice if this went hand in hand with moving to West Hollywood. Oh BUT! Speaking of romanticised road trips, we're driving from NYC to Austin, TX next March for SXSW. If you are cool, you should come. Or just stay home and read about it on my blog. Your choice.

30. live with jake: It's amazing how someone can be more or less the center of your intellectual universe and then it can be like, 2007, hypothetically, and you can not even know where they are in the world. I think he's in California.

31. regain/embrace independence once more before I get married: I was so lost then! I was so just a part of my boyfriend's universe! He said jump I said how high, he said let's go to PacSun I said okay, he said let's get a condo, I said, let's do that then. When I broke up with him it was violent running; it was cold, I think, for him. We worked together and at first that was too much for him to bear, our manager offered him the night off and Pistons tickets because he'd fainted upon my arrival for my shift. He kept literally poking me. Like, poking me every time he wanted to talk to me. When the wrong person pokes you, it can feel like they're literally sticking their finger through your skin and mushing everything up like pudding, it's so gross.

32. listen, focus, pay attention: I'm content to just strive towards this for all of time. It's the most important thing of all, to pay attention; and it keeps getting harder and harder.

33. see the indigo girls with my daughter: "aww, indigo girls with little rieselette!" (Haviland, on previous post comments). "Big fan of "Rieselette." A cross between a chocolate-covered caramel nugget candy and a wristlet? Oh, and a child." (Annie, re: comment, re:post). I wonder if Amy Ray will still be hot when she's like, 100, which is approximately how long it'll be before I'm mature enough to have a child and then actually take it somewhere where it'll have to stand up on it's own. Literally, like stand up? This one is really just embarrassing, no matter how I spin it.


MLissa said...

ahhh! Tree Pose. I'm forced to do yoga at work on occasion and tree pose is my nemesis. In fact, I've now sworn off yoga because of said tree pose and the frustration associated with my tree pose short comings. I'm jealous of all with perfect balance and live to fear...tree pose.

frank said...

i wish you were like a regular blogger sometimes, where your posts would only inspire me to say three or four words.

alas, i don't have the energy for a real comment now. so i will just say that technically i have inspired two posts, and my next goal is to become a label. in life.

riese said...

mlissa: There're also a lot of poses I can't do to save my life. Like actually before yoga I couldn't even touch my toes, so I had to grow a lot from there. But yeah, it's all 'bout pressing your heel into your thigh, then balance appears.



I wish I was like a regular blogger sometimes too, what's a regular blogger? I want to be one. Do they make money?

I almost just made you a label right now but then I thought, well then what will you aim for? in life? you know?


DH said...

I worked for a few magazines back when I was into that music thing, and I was definitely overworked, underpaid and cranky. Unlike now, obvs. I don't recommend it. But then I didn't recommend my current job, either. Like, 0.5 stars.

Is there some sort of drivers' aptitude test that one needs to sit to be included in the SxSW roadshow? 'Cos I can only drive on long straight highways. If there is any turning involved, chances are I will turn into on-coming traffic.

riese said...

crystal: I LOL'ed at .5 stars. It's better on my end. Obvs. I don't have to interview anyone or deal with anyone's randomized B.S.

We'll all take turns driving! Get it, take turns? Also, Carly loves road trips. Or, um, road trip videos, at least.

I'm a great driver, I've only got three moving violations.

stef said...

i need to comment because the word veri is opitmsta, which is some kind of dyslexic master of optimism. not me.
i can probably do that drive to austin in 12 hours with my eyes closed. i did the cross country drive a couple of times.. it's only fun with other people. i've been looking at flights. jet blue sale ending tomorrow! i think! i hope. i might be in texas in november maybe! yayy texas.

i think lozo owes me some blog topics. crystal and i both need blog topics.

kate said...

Q: has the diag been on an episode of ncis?

I enjoy that you trust your readers to decide whether or not they’re cool –
like when your parents asked what time you thought it would be appropriate to come home….such faith - especially since there are uncool people reading like me who didn’t even know what sxsw was until a few weeks ago

Also, I think you’re doing really well coming up with T10’s for the last 9 months – I’d probably be photocopying my face by now or something, And nice outsourcing, love the banner, so a gold star to stef, and one for lozo too, for coming up with an idea that inspired two posts.

The Spaz said...

Love the rejection letter. Seriously. Its the sort of honest, straight to the point business correspondence I wish I were allowed to write at work.

In completely unrelated but possibly musical taste solidifying news, if you haven't already you should listen to my latest gay girl who plays guitar crush: Brandi Carlile.

Guls said...

things we dream about when we were younger :)))

seems like you accomplished most of them, cool...

if i had accomplished my ideas when i was 22 of what i should do before i die, i probably would have been married and have at least a kid. Good that i couldn't since i probably would have been also divorced by now.


elec-tri-city said...

4c. I jhave done a wicked good job at mastering this, but I still manage to do my own freaking out. It is seriously disappointing

I keep aiming for 4a but I tend to think that every relationship allows for freaking leeway. And that is the suck, pretty much, but maybe just reality? Or am I just a supreme pessimist?

Anonymous said...

Let’s play a game called I HAVE THE




Step 1: You guys decide to do a road trip to SXSW. (completed)
Step 2: You guys decide for real to do a road trip to SXSW. (pending)
Step 3: Plot course. Post online.
Step 4: Others/we/me specifically climb aboard the SXSW train as it moves through our respective areas.
Step 5: Rampant fun ensues.

Did my attempt to disguise a totally self-serving idea fall short? Do you trust us to be as hot/not quite as weird as was avidly asserted on the prolific ‘how long do you sleep’ comments?

This idea stems from a 3000+ word e-mail chain that ended with my friends bailing on SXSW, citing such unforgivable excuses as “work” and “being hookers.”

Anyway, I’m getting there by some means. Hitchhiking is still on the table.

riese said...

stef: Fun+other people=SXSW Roadshow '08. The eyes closed element is a whole new level of danger and excitement.

I've got Lozo on the case, obvs. Just start thinking about places you'd like to bang guys. (JK!)


kate: I've never seen NCIS actually, but it's certainly possible. I trust my readers to determine if they are cool or not, but I secretly hope for "not" because I am really not cool, and i like us all to have something in common. Wherever cool is, I'm the opposite of that. That's why I get so excited every time I do something that could be remotely considered "cool," like going to SXSW, which I wouldn't even know about if my boss two years ago hadn't gone to it and left us to run her business during her departure. Haviland didn't know what it was either.


the spaz: Ooo I think I have some of her stuff but I will check out more.

And yeah, I wish I had been allowed to send that rejection letter. Though I think I enjoy eqaully, if not moreso, having it on company stationary in my file for my reference whenever I need a good chuckle. It did make one of our agents pee in her pants.


guls: Yeah I liked how I didn't even put "get married" on that list, I just implied or assumed it in a few of the items. I think that's 'cause I honestly didn't know, really, what that might entail for me. Obviously I should just marry a Chinese baby, that'd help me with a few of those problems. Is that too gross to make a joke about? Hm, I guess I'll see.


Anonymous said...

it's never too late to learn how to draw. it would help you with other aims like: 7. make a movie (visual skills), 12. join suggestion: art club where you don't have to hide your obvious intelligence. you might become arrogant but it's no problem because your new art friends are arrogant too, 13. website (visual skills), 14. darkroom... (visual skills), 18. meditating, 25. loving your body (self portraits will help you to see yourself and beyond. also you can hypnotize yourself staring at the mirror long enough, which might help you with sleeping issues), 32. attention and 34. drawing floorplans of your head and heart;

100 years ago you asked me something and here is the answer: the word "ris" doesn't have any specific meaning in german. in french and other roman languages "ris" normally has something to do with "laughter". my profound research also taught me, that "ris de veau" means "sweetbread".

riese said...

elec-tri-city: I'm def. at that supreme pessimism stage right now, but somehow that's lent itself lately to occasionally bursts of unreasonable optimism. In that; I do think it's possible, but it requires a sort of remarkable and genuine-yet-selective honesty. When I find a relationship that does not involve either partner freaking out all the time, then, that's the one!. But sure, we'll all freak out a little bit. It's just ... how do we deal with that? In a way that betters our ability to function as humans, or worsens it? See, these are the questions that run through my tiny little head.



Let's play a game called:



And hold up: I thought part of the perk of being a hooker was flexible vacation days? Making your own hours, etc.?

Howevs, I'm not sure that we would possibly pass through LA on our way from NYC to Texas, unless there is something about the geography of the United States that I don't know about yet. But who knows, maybe I'll be bicoastal by then ! ha ha. ha.

That being said, obvs, and this has actually been discussed at greater length than anyone might imagine. I think we've even semi-convinced Merc to come in from Alaska and there's been a fake band created.

We've already fully tossed about the concept of turning the whole trip into a internet-designed reality-TV-esque (but better) documentary relating blogging, SXSW, webisodes, and the ever-endearing qualities of our remarkable senses of humor. Clearly this project is right up your alley, whether you know it or not, and (seriously) we should (seriously) hook it up.

Also I'm figuring out how to get into everything for free. Like, I need to work at a magazine or something.

Also when I say "we" I could mean me and any number of other people who claim to be going. We is a transient noun, we is a road trip.

riese said...

rk: sweetbread! I'm sweetbread!

Your plan is so genius I have nothing to say in response to it besides: genius. Really though you might reconsider encouraging me to take an art class if you saw my Emma and Sean drawing.

Anonymous said...

Get ready for the best part: Other M lives in L.A. (I think), this M lives directly between NYC and Austin to an almost nauseating exactness. That’s what’s up.

Also, this M (me) is like the best car dancer EVER. Like, Days Go By good. If that doesn’t sell you, then something’s wrong... really wrong.

kate said...

you should totally do the cross country internet-designed reality-TV-esque (but better) documentary - as if you couldn't get ourchart to sponsor it - i think we already know that they'll jump right on the webisode bandwagon.

you can collect me in canada on the's not that far out of your way right? 2000 miles or so...

frank said...

it's blog topic time. it's also too early for me to comment on this post. tylenol PM hangover/fog and all. but i will say this, and i don't think i can bestow a bigger compliment on someone -- if you ever wrote a book, i would buy it AND read it. honestly. in life or otherwise. and make me earn the label.

stef, i looked at your blog, your most recent post anyway, and i have come up with a good one, methinks. crystal, seeing as how your blog is more empty than a Nickelback concert hall, i'm going generic for you.

stef -- your topic is The Last Five Things You Want A Guy You Want To Date To Find Out About You. criminal convictions, diseases, your fear of public toilet seats, whatever. get on that.

crystal -- if you wish, your topic will be five writers/bloggers you wish you could trade lives with for a week and why. i didn't capitalize your topic like stef's because i'm tired.

riese said...


Obviously, when we proposed that idea, (we=me, proposed to=carly), it was pitched as "OMG I BET OURCHART WOULD DO IT: FIVE HOT QUEERISH GIRLS (stef is straight, but queer in spirit), MEET ON THE INTERNET, ONE GOAL, DRIVE TO SXSW, ETC ETC!" I believe her response was a less enthusiastic "haha, awesome." That's okay, I still am holding that hope and running all over it. It's gonna be faaantastic.

Where in Canada exactly? Maybe Merc can get you on her way down here from Alaska.



And if you're Days Go By good, then obvs you're in. AND you're on the way!

I don't understand blogger. on the comments page, it registers the earlier comment as a lower-case "m"," but on the main one-entry-only page, an upper-case "M." It is the capitalizaiton or lack thereof that enables me to tell which M it is that is commenting. So confusing!

All these "m"s. It's a good thing that I've volunteered to go by "riese." Cuz I am also an "M." M for Magnificent.



Aw. When I do your label, can it be "lozo lozo lozo"? Oh that's so good, I almost ruined it by telling you.

Crystal likes to delete her entire blog every few days. But not in you know, that troubling way we are familiar with. I LOLed at your metaphor.

Those are good topics, nice. I suppose that's why you post every day and I post twice a week. I really need to figure out how to change this habit.

I feel so full of collaborative spirit right now on this little comment board, I'd like to buy you all a Coke and give you all a label. And that label would be GAY. JK! That label would be "JK."

Anonymous said...

I am loving all the Tegan and Sara around here, I can't stop listening to their music, I feel like it's the soundtrack of my life lately.

Also August 26th is a big gay day in NYC, Uh Huh Her is apparently playing, I'm not a fan, but some chick I work with is, and she has told me about 100 times in the last 2 days about this concert. Apparently it's a big deal. How big of a space do you need for these auditions?

Best part of the whole thing for me was 'I don't want to have to be on cocaine in order to have a family, because cocaine is really expensive' seriously I LOLed, which is kind of embarassing, but I am fine with it.

riese said...


This girl I'm producing a sitcom with has mentioned the Uh Huh Her concert 100 times in the last 2 days as well!!

And we've already declared it THE GAYEST DAY EVER, and obvs will be there. Will you?

We don't need a large space, we're just auditioning Morgans. Just something that won't look tacky because we're working with an actual casting director who's bringing in actual Real Talent (Broadway and television actresses) and we need them to take us super-seriously even though we can't pay. But just any sort of theater, rehearsal room, anything professional.

And, per always, yay for LOLing!

stef said...

lozo, that is such a daunting blog topic. i like it. sitemeter says you live in wayne and you don't. but if you did, i would take you to the willowbrook mall and buy you some taco bell in lieu of thanks. or maybe pizza. i don't think taco bell is thanking anyone.

wait, am i on this road trip? really? fine, screw you jet blue. but i am really serious, i can do that whole drive. I NEED TO BOOK THAT HOTEL. AHHHH.

oh. and - the haunted mansion ride at disneyland. there, i said it. judge me all you want.

word veri: enqgmu, which is a hybrid of an enigma, an egg, and an emu. did you know they make oil out of emus when they slaughter them for meat, and that oil is supposed to be really good for healing keloids and other piercing infections? now you do.

Anonymous said...

There, problem solved.

Oh, and see if OurChart will cough up an RV. I drove Pittsburgh to Key West in a Miata once and that lipgloss was NOT poppin'.

Wow. I'm already having so much fun on this theoretical trip that I invited myself on.

frank said...

stef -- make it California Pizza Kitchen, and you got a deal, yo. Willowbrook is my mall.

riese -- hey! i'm sorta taking over your blog, only not in a Jesus-y way. my thoughts on this lozo-inspired post:

strippers -- let's go. me and you. i'm always looking for an excuse.

auditions -- let me know when you get a locale. i'm so trying out.

newspaper jobs -- take it from me, you don't want one of those. magazine, sure. newspaper, not so much. i know from experience, dude.

chinese babies -- help is funny. like, the baby will be all, "hey, is there a duane reade around here?" and you can be all, "yeah, two blocks down on the corner." so helpful.

road trips -- i don't know what SXSW is, but if it's Sexy Xylophones and Sexy Women, i'm down.

and believe you me, kiddo, you don't want to post every day. it's like a compulsion. just keep up what you're doing here. right up.

Anonymous said...

I love that you just say that so casually, we're just audtioning morgans, no big deal.. I was picturing you guys like sitting at a big table in a gym auditioning people, something out of bring it on..

As much as I hate to admit it, I will be there for Uh Huh Her, even though I am not so into them, I can't pass up seeing Leisha Hailey in person, also I am secretly hoping that Kate Moennig will be there and that's worth the price of admission.

All this Jersey mall talk is a little crazy, and I have to say, Lozo I would have pegged you for a Cheesecake Factory fan, CPK is so light and fluffy. Also I love your Michael Kay must go blogs, can we get some more of those?

riese said...


Yeah, screw jet blue! This is a road trip! The completion of my life list depends on it! The Haunted Mansion. That would be so intense. I would probably freak out on a number of levels. I didn't know that about the emus, but thank you.



Thank you for solving the problem, I seriously feel much better now. The more people the better obvs, because then it's OurChart in action. [Seriously, I have little to no pull at OurChart whatsoever, but we'll see, who knows? Hi OurChart! I heart you!]



I thought we weren't going to meet, do they have long lasting beers at strip clubs?

Ok honestly though, I just LOLed at the thought of a blog post about Riese and Lozo meeting for the first time and going to a strip club. Gawker would have to re-start bloggerhea just to link to us, and I know that's your favorite thing, Bloggirieea. It might be the best blog post in the history of blog posts, like even Jesus couldn't compete. Maybe we could cast some down-and-out girls from the strip club. Where are strip clubs? Like, in Times Square?

It's not Sexy Xylophones and Sexy Women.



In the interest of not seeming like THAT GUY and commenting too much, I've been called upon to impart the information that Lozo promises to bring back the Michael Kay feature next week and he is a cheesecake factory guy, but Stef was ordering only pizza, and it might be too much for a blog topic.

If it was anything like Bring it On, it would be amazing.

Are they filming in Vancouver right now? I feel like KM might not be in the area. Although if Leisha's here ... hm.


Also I am amazed that Lozo and I have this many crossover readers. Maybe it's our take-no-prisoners attitude and crass sense of humor. His is worse though, I would never call Kelly Clarkson fat. Luckily Lozo already has a job at a newspaper, so he can rip on whomever he wants. I still need OurChart to fund and report our road trip to SXSW.

DH said...

I don't know what moving violations are. Like, traffic fines? I'm a great driver also - in Australia, left-hand style.

I had no idea this was potentially going to be a webisode thing, and now, I can't believe that this wasn't obvious to me. I'd hope that the 'That's Hots' are booked in to do the theme music.

Love the topic, almost as much as I love what you said about Nickelback. Thanks!

MoonKiller said...

I heart Mazzy Star.
I heart 'Nineteen'.
I have plans with my friend Leah to drive to Brighton as soon as she learns to drive and I'm incharge of Mix Tapes. We are also going to go for a drive in the middle of the night and listen to Grace whilst reflecting on life. Coinindence? Or fate?
Also on the topic of music think you'd find this interesting...

DavieThePirateCopy says:
Rhi, have you ever watched porn on mute and played Ave Maria at the same time? Was well good.

I kid you not!

Is there a part for a cute little Welsh girl in your soon to be most watched tv series of all time? lol Cause I'd get the part right? Write me in? = ]

Re: Buddhism. My friend has been turning me buddhist for the past two years. I've been being a goo buddhist lately even making it the theme of a play I'm writing which is about Nivarna (your soul being set free etc not the band) only to find that her type of Buddhism doesn't believe in Nirvana. I think they're the Jehovah's Witnesses of Buddhism.

I'm going to work for NME or Rolling Stone Magazine when I'm older and they'll pay me millions and let me work from home. They WILL. They need me those people. [laughs for about an hour].

Re: listen, focus, pay attention. 'when people think you're dying, they listen to you instead of waiting for their turn to speak.' I think people will only ever take everything you say in when you don't have much time left.

kate said...

isn't everything on the way from alaska? i'll be just up from vancouver, in whistler.

but i think you should all go to winter pride in whistler first in mid-feb - just like rosies' cruise without rosie or the cruise. plus snow, right?

or you could just go with your original plan, the semi-sensible one...

frank said...

riese -- we're so meeting. maybe outside a strip club? small steps.

crystal -- i am happy to help. and riese gave me solid rationale about replying to comments of others, so take that, crazy person who used to reply to all the comments back in the day!

stef said...

lozo, you are so on. and that's MY mall. there IS a cheesecake factory there..

i'm writing the that's hots theme song right now. it sounds a lot like the golden girls theme song in instrumentation, tempo and overall spirit.

it's like:

it's a bunch of dykes in a car
except some of them aren't dykes
some of them like dick
and are just in the car cos it's CHEEEAPER

they're going to texas to rock
and network with douchebags and jerks,
drink margaritas,
and hook up with hot strangers in HYYYYPE BANDS

it's just

at which point it will transfer into a synthpoppy version of the golden girls' intro-transition music and a wide shot of the new jersey turnpike.

Anonymous said...

ok, i think i might have a place for you to audition morgans, or whatever. is there like a way i can communicate with you without commenting? lemme know, i have 3 options...

riese said...


DPC:I have not but what you describe sounds to me a lot like a scene out of Queer as Folk or something. I think I've probably listened to Ave Maria on repeat 10,000 times, and maybe seen porn like 10-15 times? OK, that's a lie. I've listened to porn way more than that. I mean, watched porn. What am I talking about.

MK: Also, when Carly forwarded me an article about how hiring British actors is all the rage right now, with the note 'We should hire a British girl,' I wrote back "Let's just hire Moonkiller, she's Welsh?" Presently, our shooting budget is $0, otherwise we'd fly you in right now.

I had that same idea bout Rolling Stone. Like in "Almost Famous," yeah?


That is a good point about Alaska. there must be something that isn't on the way. Things that are below us are not on the way. You are in Vancouver, have you seen the cast of TLW anywhere? Just curious.



Yeah let's meet in an alley outside the strip club. Also, we're only going if I can go in drag. I'm thinking this will be best for our friendship and to decrease the likelihood of a stripper thinking we're together and trying to give us some sort of complicated gymnastic lapdance like in the movies.



That theme song is so hot it's like, absolutely bound to go viral. Although it should stay "are just in a car cos it's WAY COOOOOLER" All I can really say about that song is: That's Hot!



Am I on glue? Email us, silly! You know our emails. You need to stop doing drugs before g-chatting with me, I can't continue to be held accountable for these lapses in memory.

Anonymous said...

Wait I feel crazy. I've never g chatted anyone in my life. Do u have me confused with someone else? I don't really know what's going on here, but I just started commenting like 2 blogs ago, for sure have never emailed you, but def might have a place for you to audition ur people. I don't know what's going on at all.

riese said...

I AM on glue. This is hilarious. Dude, email me and I'll put you in touch with Caitlin ... who's one of our producers, currently on the task of finding us a location. This is amazing! Ha. Seriously, what are the chances. i mean... seriously.

frank said...

if you're in drag, should i be in drag? solidarity and all that? or would that just result in you staring at me like a piece of meat all night? or whatever it is vegetarians would stare at and want. a piece of tofu? quit staring at me like a grilled cheese sandwich!

MoonKiller said...

Davie just IMed me saying..
Davie says: Oh Em Gee. I told you in confindence and you tell everyone. Just kidding everyone should know about my porn habits. I also listen to the Matrix them tune while jacking off.

I'll put that one my list.

I'm really tiny so I could just jump in someone baggage. Or I could do it with one of those green screen things and talk to a tennis ball.

Totally like in 'Almost Famous'. That's where I got the idea from.

kate said...

no there yet, but i will definately keep an eye small talk though...obvs just launch straight into discussing their viability re: your sitcom.

goneundercover said...

let me know if you get a spot!

Anonymous said...

If this is the only way to keep in touch with you, then I will comment to you in this little square box. It just seems silly, you know? But, I'm not good with the phone either, especially not when five people are living with me. I always seem distracted and stuff. So, if you wanna come live with me too, we wouldn't have to talk on the phone, and you wouldn't really need a job either. Hmm.. Anyway, guess I just miss you, little one. I'm gonna go watch gymnastics..the nationals are on. xoxo

Mercury said...

I think I made a blog post about a list of wants once before, but they weren't like, accomplishments, or goals, they were like, "I want a list of wants that isn't self-contradictory or constantly changing", and that's something I'll never have.

squidlet said...

Mmm, yes to Natalie Portman in Closer, and yes to Where Does the Good Go? And the other stuff, too, yes.

riese said...


Yes, if I am in drag, you should be in drag. I'm actually not a vegetarian, I just don't eat a lot of meat. I love grilled cheese though.



That is a really good idea about jumping in the baggage. I used to fantasise about that. Davie should know that anything promoting Ave Maria and/or jerking off is a good thing. That song is like, the classic song. I bet they wrote it in like, 1000 B.C. or something.



You rock.



We will.



You rock, I will. I seem to get that a lot lately ("if this is the only way to keep in touch with you.."). You and your gymnastics, it's adorable.

I miss you too. And I will contact you properly, as well. Fo' rizzle.




That's something I'll never have either. Well said. I mean, you know: well put. Well everything.



Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

GIsen said...

hey Reise,

I enjoyed reading your list of things to do before you die. We all have them, but none of us have the guts to confess we do(lol)

The question that popped in my mind about the freaking out in relationships is why. Why? do either of you freak? Fear? Fear of what.

I'm a calm person and can't imagine freaking out in relationship unless I wasn't into her as much as she was into me. If that's the case then why not tell her I need time to catch up. If the other way around and she's open to the idea of commitment I'd wait for her.

I think the freaking comes from fear of commitment maybe? What does your therapist think?

Having a child. Right there with you as in right right there, but no partner to fill in the other item on the list. I don't feel the child is in danger of being screwed up by me I just want to make sure there is someone around to stop me from doing so (lmbo).

Will we actually get everything done on that list? Is it just not in the cards for ANY of us to do it all, have it all.

riese said...


Hey, I know you ... from OurChart!

I mean "freaking out" to encompass a wide variety of behaviors.

Ages ago, I used to freak out because I didn't trust my BF -- that was my fault, though. It was fear. We were wrong for each other, everyone else seemed right, and so I'd imagine myself in his shoes and think if I were him, I'd rather be with someone else. So it was projected fear. He didn't want to be with anyone else, after all. One of many differences between us! Being so different=not okay with me. Okay with him though. So I left.

My next BF, I didn't freak out at all because I didn't want to be with anyone else in the whole world. But then he totally lied to me about everything and fucked me over. Wheee! Then I started freaking out. That was all justified fear, because I was always right--usually I underestimated his capacity for falsehoods, too.

I stopped freaking out after that mostly because I grew up and tried not to date people that would make me feel like that. Now I can't imagine freaking out at someone. It's just not who I am anymore, or not who I'd choose to be with.

Most recently, my GF freaked out all the time because she was clinically insane. (That's not a joke.) Not with jealousy usually. just like, other stuff, that wasn't real.

So yeah. I don't know if I'll finish anything on that list but obvs the frolicking is a top priority.