Sunday, July 22, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: We've Got Trees We've Yet To Live In

My favorite part of doing things is the part before you start doing the thing, where you can just think about how great the thing'll be. This takes many forms: a manic anti-inertia writing-spree with my little notebook on the subway, light bulbs turning on and then exploding in my head like stubborn shooting stars, or sitting with stacks of books or magazines at Barnes & Noble, pouring over a promising title like The Well-Fed Writer or a magazine I want to write for, convinced I've unlocked The Secret: then I'll get home and sit down at my MacBook and um ... check my email. Then I'm like, "Hm, maybe I should have dinner ..."

Last week: THREE projects which could've remained strictly in conceptual stages made advancements. It helps that they involved other people, because I bet there's a mathematical formula about that. Like if you combine two people generally with big dreams and little time/follow-through, it equals one very motivated human. You've gotta convince your Other that you're reliable, in order to look like a worthy partner/employee/manager/whatever. And it's just someone else to keep you on task, edit your "Yee-haws!," etc.

Also, we've got this post-cruise energy thing. Every text Haviland's sent me this week has included at least sixteen exclamation points and/or one motivational statement and/or a word in all caps, like "AMAZ" or "HOT"! (!!!!!)

Life feels strange, almost like school, where we'd get assignments, and then we'd have to do them. Especially group projects. JK, I always did those myself. I didn't trust those randoms with my multi-media projects. Plus, all the popular girls'd wanna work with me because I made such hot videos and got good grades for everyone, which worked out well for me, 'cause then I could be around them.

Today I will look at some of the things I lost along the way: those uncompleted projects. There're so many of these, really, that my mind almost exploded just thinking about it. I'll probably revisit this topic at a later date, because I'm sure it's really super-compelling: I mean, if it's not fun enough to read me ramble about things I HAVE done, just imagine how interesting it is to read me talk about all the things I HAVEN'T! (Not at all). All the things I wanted to go to school for (media studies, web design, Reiki)! All the bizarre things I attempted to organize as a child (charities, eco -action groups, street fair, magazine, 'zine, film festival, radio show, theatrical productions, etc.)! All the career paths/temporary jobs I suddenly lost interest in/abandoned (camp counselor, model, waitress, Jell-O shot girl, grant writer)! Oh, the Places You Will Never Ever Go!

(limited to recent history, lest this list spiral out of control, like life itself is wont to do)

10. "I'm Gonna be A Book Packager/Ghostwriter Thing!" : The Gossip Girl Phase

I pick up voice fast, almost too fast. I start reading someone I admire and I start writing like them, it's like taking a shot of Raymond Carver instead of vodka, then right after reading I've got this buzz. I can get drunk off a writer, a good one, if I've got a lot of long train rides. I'll start thinking like them, a little, their voice invades my brainspace and refuses to leave 'til the book ends. Maggie Estep shoots me up with poetic perverted instinct, her and Mary Gaitskill both ignore dirt by speaking explicitly no matter what the vocabulary, by being hard and gross but sort of honest about the deepest most deviant but really earnestly beautiful pit of us. Lorrie Moore sucks me inside of me, sarcastically but plainly and naked too, builds stronger and funnier walls around my self-preservation and/or vulnerability. She makes me desperately unique, alone, unable to communicate with men at all whatsoever, filled with private thoughts and bitingly witty/astute judgments. Marya Hornbacher made me stop eating, John Marsden lifted me out of high school and into another universe where I floated through hallways and meditated apocalypse or something to get me out of my own life, anything, Pam Houston makes me miss wide open spaces, mountains and men with skills, Tama Janowitz glazes my eyes over with sharp stupidity, she makes me tilt my head and say strange things to make normal plain people uncomfortable, wear costumes as assault ... the dozens of lesbian essay collections I've digested this past year rewrite my history in my head, they transform my memories into memories of always wanting women, which is true, too.

So I had this idea, upon reading a New York Magazine/[redacted] article about Gossip Girl, that I would become a ghostwriter for Gossip Girl. Like many YA series once they get big, the author just writes outlines, and then book packagers write the content itself. All I had to do was get the voice into my head and then write a sample chapter and send it off, I read all about it, and I was pretty certain that book packaging was my real destiny, due to my talent w/picking up voices. Then Don [owns my agency] told me it was a really bad deal because you only get like $4,000 a book, and the authors at our agency who did book packaging deals weren't always pleased with it [they've done a lot of TV tie-in books, like Star Trek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc.] I was like, Dude, I will totally take that!" I see now what he meant, about ratio of time/money/recognition. But seriously, $4,000 is a lot of money! How long could it possibly take? Also! It could be fun.

So I read like, seven Gossip Girl books. My mind was all like "Welcome to New York City's Upper East Side, where my friends and I all live in huge, fabulous apartments and go to exclusive single-sex private schools. We aren't always the nicest people in the world, but we make up for it in looks and taste."

Then I sort of told myself I needed to wait for the next one to come out to really get moving on it. That was August of 2005.

Number 9 Interlude:

I la-la-la-love the planing stage. Like reading Get a Freelance Life or studying for the SATs to become a Kaplan Tutor. In preparation for a never-executed lit-mag blitzrkrieg, I created a ridic database of literary journals listed by prestige, payment, submission periods, and formats accepted, and supported the lit-journal industry by buying like, hundreds of them.

8. The Next Play

My senior year of high school, Krista directed "Familyland," a one-act I'd written. That was the best night of my life: incredible cast, a roomful of people laughing at my jokes ... I was all gung-ho about playwriting . Unfortunately, theatrical genius hasn't really struck since then. In '04, Krista started badgering me to come up with something new; she was starting a new job where she'd be in a position to get my work produced, if it was worthy. So, fast-forward to the night before Krista leaves for the summer of '05 [my play-completion deadline]: I had nothin'. So, as she packed and Pete made jokes, I wrote a 96-page play in about ten hours.

Two weeks later, when Krista and I were traveling cross-country together (long story), sitting in Denver in the Amtrak station, having completed every question on Trivia Machine and needing new entertainment: Krista pulled it out, and set it on her lap, and began:"'Well ... I really loved the character descriptions! I was so hopeful for the rest of the play!" That's totes not a good sign at all. These are those character descriptions:
CRYSTAL JONES, 18: Looks as though her clothes no longer fit properly. Awkward, plays with her chin-length blonde hair a lot. Blue eyeshadow. Medium height, mostly plain looking with a hint of cherub beauty. Wants to be a stage makeup artist.

DR. JEB JONES, 48: Gynecologist, specializing in giving birth and fertility treatments. Pro-Life. Tall, white beard, Donald Sutherland-type. Polite but angry. Liable to burst. Stoic exterior, creepy interior.

BARBARA JONES, 40: Stunned into persistent silence. Painfully nice. Enjoys crafts, always makes too much for dinner. Hopelessly codependent.

MIKE JONES, 17: Shoulder-length hair. Self-conscious. A bit tall for his age. Plays a lot of pool in the basement, drinks a lot of flavored cola. Wants some ass.

RICKY, 17: Crystal’s best friend. Gay. Thin, good-looking, puts a lot of gel in his hair. Hasn’t yet figured out how to make it through. Wants to be a model.

DEVON, 19: Swedish exchange student. Kind, the airs of someone who is well-traveled and well-read but never makes a point of it. Non-judgmental. Wears glasses.
It was all downhill from there. We discussed revisions. Which I never did. Because I am retarded.

7. On the subject of theater ... My So-Called Life, The Play

I was pretty convinced that this was the most brilliant idea I'd ever had. So I wrote 46 pages of "My So-Called Grown Up Life" in the car as we drove to Vermont for New Years Eve and was like: "Haviland Stillwell: this is the best play ever written." It was the cast all grown up. Brill.

Then we all read through it and everyone who knew the show thought it was really fun and funny, but Hav was like Riese, really? Because of like, copyright, and plays don't make money, I shouldn't put all my energy into something so futile, and this and that. I was like, silly, that sounds like the perfect project for me then! JK, I was like. Oh.

Here are those character descriptions:

ANGELA CHASE, 27 – Author of the New York Times bestselling book "Getting Out Alive: How To Save Our Adolescent Girls," psychologist and public speaker. Despite this, she still tugs at her sleeves and often avoids networking parties. Has resolved to practice what she preaches for the past two New Years. Married to Brian.

BRIAN KRAKOW, 27 – Began as a development intern at after his third year at Brown and now serves as Chief Design Director. Most of his friends are still in coffee shops, plotting The Revolution. Secretly wishes Angela was more of the barefoot-and-pregnant type.

RAYANNE RAYMOND, 28 – Completely out of control, possibly on a downward spiral. Recently divorced, recently disheveled, often drunk/drugged but surprisingly functional nonetheless. If she knew what a Peter Pan complex was, she might know that she was developing one.

JORDAN CATALANO, 29 – Blue-eyed and beautiful, still makes 15-year-old girls melt when he mops the floors of their private college prep high school. Veteran of "Operation Enduring Freedom," honorably discharged after two months of service when he lost two fingers in his left hand.

Then, we decided to dress up in the O'Donnell children's snowsuits, pull out their props, and take photographs of ourselves. So that was that project.

Number 6 Interlude

Most've my memories of great ambitious projects which I eventually abandoned are from the Spanish Harlem apartment. I had a lot of misdirected ambition then. I didn't even start this blog 'til I moved to Williamsburg (which continued when I moved to West Harlem, obvs). While living in Spanish Harlem, Matty [my friend I met at a CAKE party who lived across the street] decided we were going to:
1. Start a business collecting cans in a truck that doubled as a can-deposit-center. Use this money to "teach kids to build birdhouses."
2. Buy old buildings [with non-existent start up] and fix them.
3. Start selling pot brownies from his kitchen.

I honestly fully embraced, researched and considered all of those options. There are diagrams.

This was our temporary can collection vehicle. Here, he's putting the doors and roof back on, since it was night and we were done stopping every ten seconds to leap out and get cans he's spotted.

What lesson did I learn from that? Kiddos, don't do drugs. If you do, someone might try to talk you into selling pot brownies from their kitchen and driving out to the beach stopping every five seconds to pick up cans.

5. Gimme an M! Gimme an F! Gimme an AAAA!!

On my last day of class at the University of Michigan, I remember telling everyone: "This's my last day of class, ever." And everyone was like, well, what if you go to graduate school? And I somehow just knew I wouldn't. I don't know why. Maybe it's 'cause I'd spent all my money already on going to school, and didn't think I could handle the stress of finances and school at the same time,which'd mean I'd need a career first, which'd mean I'd probably lose interest 'cause I'd be so ridiculously successful already. (HA!!!!)

But my writing teacher'd told me: "Don't pay for an M.F.A. program. They should give you a full scholarship." I sent out for pamphlets. I was thinking of myself in Iowa City, looking serious but wearing a hoodie. I was imagining living in a sort of faux -bohemian apartment studio with some sort of dark hot androgynous girl in a white v-neck t-shirt who was a Fantastic Creator of Art of Some Format and had all kinds of secret skills. It'd be Iowa City, but it'd be cozy and perfect and I'd become a Great Writer who maybe lost a little voice but gained an ability to choose words properly when I'd re-find it, back in a more hard-core city, a few years later. But then what if the other kids were really annoying or something? It's like, a twelve person workshop.

Anyhow: I've got lists. Rankings. Books. Pamphlets. Really obviously I just like reading material about things I COULD do with my life, rather than the actual act of doing these things.

Number 4 Interlude: Website

Areas of my website I keep thinking I'm going to update any minute now: The L Word Season Four Quotes, add some fiction to the "Fiction" area of the website (All I've done so far is change it from saying: "This page, like life itself, is a work in progress" to "Though this entire site is 'in progress,' this page is especially so"), creating an overall design that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out every time I see it (w/o using HTML editor or a web designer), add recent stuff/links, add new movie quotes, add book quotes because the book quote page was so aesthetically irritating to me that I had to take it down, create a "cast of characters" page for my blog, update my links, write that Season Four Auto-Straddle Round-Up I said I was going to write, and wow. So many things. I could go on, but this I think is mostly for my own reference.

Number 3 Interlude: Sign Up Now!

I wish the Internet had existed back when my insomnia was really bad, like in the 90s. Then, instead of watching Undressed marathons on Volume Level "4" [a.k.a.: requiring closed captioning, but preventing my Mother from getting pissed at me], I coulda spent all night joining various web-communities, beginning my profile/database/creative content/great moneymaking idea, and then never signing on again. I've got half-assed membership all over the goddamn Internet. The best are the ones that make you register every single book you've read in your life, which I love doing, 'cause I get to think about all my books, but it takes forever and you keep thinking of more. It's like that scene in The Phantom Tollbooth where they want the kids to fill a lake with an eyedropper. I've also started and never regularly updated profiles at a million photo-sharing sites and various writerly places.

Sites I've joined, half-assedly, and set up a profile/presence/registration of some sort, never to truly follow up again: flickr, library thing, all consuming, onemodelplace, goodreads,, technorati, youtube,, etsy, shutterfly, cafe-press, and so on. And so on. Could go on forever. Won't.

2. Novel Ideas

I've started about 10,000 novels I never finished. I even have a folder called "Big Ideas," which is code for "Things You'll Probs Not Finish." A doc labeled "Great American Novel" (HA!) (81 pages). "Memoir" (written in 2001, 219 pages). The best was the YA novel, "For a Girl" (118 pages). I was totally into the YA Novel when I decided to write "my book." You know, that book I keep talking about? The one I'm allegedly writing? Right! That [the moment I gave up YA novel to pursue My Book] was an embarrassingly long time ago. Like, wow. Hang on BRB I'm going to go clamp a mousetrap on my ear and stick my finger in the toaster.

1. The Cruise Video

I stopped myself this time. I was like "Are you really seriously Riese going to spend hours and hours editing a video of you, Heather and Haviland talking to yourselves? Could anyone possibly find this entertaining?" Then I thought to myself: "Obvs/No way." So it's totally uncompleted, unimpressive, and I'll never make it snazzy. But that's okay, I'm learning all about time management.

Some notes about this video:
1. I copied some clips really quickly from Haviland's camera yesterday. She wasn't at home or anything, but I have keys, because we're weirdos. Anyhow I had to jet back uptown, so it's pretty random what I uploaded, and I couldn't go back and get different clips when I was doing the editing, per ush, so this's just what it is.
2. Because Carly and I are obsessed with the confidentiality of our concept, I've only included three super-brief snippets from the reading, so as to not really give anything away or really show anything besides that we did it. The people with music stands in front of a red wall: that's the reading.
3. That muppet is me.
4. Heather and I are, sometimes, intoxicated. We're really good at keeping our cool though, obvs. She's the one talking when I'm on their balcony.
5. UPDATE: I just watched it and decided it's totes entertaining. Seriously!

RFamily Cruise 2007

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Okay also: I'm doing this reading on Tuesday [see sidebar] at the KGB Bar. 7pm. Be there.

Also my roommate Ryan is gonna be on Guiding Light on Tuesday! He's a waiter, and he's never even waited tables in real life, that's how awesome he is at acting! He's in a few episodes, so this's only the beginning of the glory.


Crystal said...

It's a shame that some of those projects were never saw the light, they sound great. Loved the cruise video. It made you look awesomely tall. And Haviland sings beautifully.

Yay re: John Marsden, who lifted me out of school also. I'm looking at his back catalogue right now, it's sitting in my office, waiting for some lazy ass to go to the post office.

riese said...

You know you have a problem with multi-format communication when ...

You go to your gmail to write an email to someone and see that the someone you're about to email has just commented on your blog. What do you do first?

I am awesomely tall! 5'10. I mean, that's tall, for a girl. I had to leave out this really funny part because I'd just eaten cheese and peanut butter crackers right before Haviland started filming me, and I'm clearly convinced there's crackers in my teeth, and I keep tonguing my teeth like a cokehead, and I couldn't handle that image. Is that TMI? it could be.

The YA novel will see the light. Fo'sure. As for the rest of 'em ... who knows? The teleplay was once an abandoned concept (smart gay sitcom, mother/daughter, nyc, etc) I started and worked on intensely with an LA-based agent for months and months, then we both just dropped away due to other commitments of our oh-so-busy lives, and then, he got super busy and "gifted" it to me. There's only like, two lines from that teleplay that made it into the Carlytron/Autowin teleplay, but still, it gave me faith that abandoned concepts do, eventually, see the light, even if they're not recognizable anymore.

Yay John Marsden, obvs.

Crystal said...

Multi format comms, a bit chicken or the egg, etc. Today I heard an awesome analogy re: chickens, eggs and pigs. I'll share that another day, because I'm trying out this thing where I leave relevant comments.

I thought I was 5'10 - but after seeing that video, maybe I'm not after all. Like one deckchair would do me, I think, whereas you looked like you needed 1.5, maybe.

carlytron said...

Um, I'm starting this comment w/ word verification FIRST instead of last, cause it's making me LOL for reals (also I'm drinking a martini that my MOM made me and that might be why this is so funny): "kokmuu" ... I don't know what that means but it's hilarious.

Also, I am still super proud of us for actually like, following through on the TV show. I am notorious (like you, like all of my bestest friends) for saying I'm going to do something, and having great ideas ... and then starting that thing ... and then never finishing it. So kudos ... to us. I think we motivated each other and now we have to motivate each other to continue working cause this shit ain't gonna write itself.

Also, to Havi-what? Havi-who? (that's your new ubernickname, you might not've gotten that memo yet): my gayboys and I sing selections from The Little Mermaid drunk on the 6 train around 3am, and it sounds way better than you do in the video.

HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING! In all seriousness, we sound like a bunch of tone-deaf drunk men (me included, as my voice drops an octave for every hour I'm out drinking), and you sound rather lovely. That will be helpful for the musical episode of "Living It Out," featured in season 2.

stef said...

it is weird to see these people from your cruise photos moving and talking. agree re: haviland's singing.

i sort of liked the idea that rayanne would go on to be a d.a.r.e. officer.

i am bummed about the loss of jordan catalano's fingers... i had big plans for them. speaking of tmi.

and i would also like to know what tino is up to.. everybody loves that guy.

riese said...

Crystal: Maybe it's just that I'm so lanky. Long limbs. Etc. (??? I have no idea what I'm talking about. Probs a small lawn chair.) Re: relevant comments, I have no clue what you're talking about, I just like to go on people's blogs and ramble on about myself, based on what they said about themselves. That's okay, right? Hm.

Carlytron: Your Mom. Is awesome. I LOVE YOUR MOM!

I'm super proud of us too. I actually wanted, obviously, to mention how proud I am of us, specifically, but then thought "Wow, I need to stop opening every single post with a reference to our pilot." Seriously this was one of many super important debates raging in my head this morning [read: afternoon] as I conceptualized this here post. The brill things that happen in my head.

I LOLed at the "hahaha" just kidding. Haviland is in Buffalo. She's got no idea I've posted this beautiful video on this website, but I can't wait for her to get back in two days and see it!



Yeah, I feel like it is weird, right? Sort of like the big reveal. Since not everyone had the pleasure of attending the sex and dating panel, clearly. Although Haviland and Heather were not there. Hm. As they always have shows at night and can't come to my events.

Re: Tino.

ANGELA: How did you find me?

RAYANNE: Two words: TI. NO.

ANGELA: (shocked) Really?

RAYANNE: I stayed with Ricky—I'm sorry, Enrique—last week. He gave me your address.

ANGELA:He did?

RAYANNE: Well, more or less. I mean, I saw your return address on his birthday card. Which I found. After digging through several closets, drawers, back issues of XY, et cetera.

ANGELA:I didn't know you and Enrique were in touch.

RAYANNE: He was in the phone book.

ANGELA: People still use phone books?

RAYANNE:I still use phone booths..


That would be amazing, Rayanne as a D.A.R.E. officer. Who knows what the future holds for such a bright bright star?

stef said...

the panel was weird too. there was a moment before it started where i was hangin' in the gift shop and you and tb came rushing in and i was like HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS TOTALLY WEIRD. THEY'RE IN 3D. i think this is directly related to why i didn't say hi.

and umm, ricky/was it rickie?/enrique obvs grew up to be angel in party monster, who i somehow see as an extension of the same character. it was a tragic end for enrique. if only he had a d.a.r.e. officer in his life.

funny unrelated story re: jordan catalano... two years ago my friend and i went to see jared leto's band do an acoustic in-store at the virgin megastore in union square. i don't like his band but i thought oh awesome, jordan catalano!.. then i got there and it was nothing but girls. 30stm played earnestly enough (no songs about his car as far as i could tell) but after every song the girls would squeal stuff like he's so goodlooking! and it became obvious that not one girl there knew that his name was not really jordan catalano. i kinda felt bad for him. but not that bad, because as i said his band kinda blows.

Razia said...

You know when people speak highly of their friends and you just nod and smile and think "thats sweet, there's so much love" bc, well, you don't really know if they're just great friends or really talented? Well it's clear that Haviland is truly talented, when is she going to be A-list already???? Seeing that this is actually YOUR blog, I'd like to reiterate how succesful I think [read: know] you're going to be.

Also, I could be the "real" Mike Jones. Except that I am 21, my hair is a little past my shoulders, I'm a bit tall for my gender not my age and I find flavoured cola gross but bourbon and coke is pretty damn good.

Also, Also. I always end up writing 5 different essays from different perspectives for the same question and picking the best one out of them to hand in - I'll mix and match certain paragraphs or sentences to perfect the essay being handed in and then save the rest. This always comes in handy because there have been times where parts of a saved unfinished essay actually applies to a completely different essay questions. Consequently, making my life a whole lot easier.

Also, Also, Also. "Also" is the new PS.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

it's funny bc the whole reason i signed up for a blogger was bc i starting reading yours and was all inspired to write my own...and i was really excited about it for like a week...but that idea (so far) has not really come to life...but who knows, i have alot of thoughts that will need to escape my brain eventually.

not to make you feel bad about not being enough of an inspiration for me to write my own least i still read yours! my love affair with this blog seems to be more than just a passing fancy :)

cool video, be tee dub. speaking of disney songs...the 1st time i ever got drunk me & my best friend sang "a whole new world" over & over & over again...

kate said...

generally my projects don't even begin to take shape in any type of physical form so i appreciate that yours actaully make it to the drawing board

re: john marsden, one of the girls i work with used to go to the school he started - she loved it so much that she asked if she could stay. alas, if you pass you must leave.

Also, I have decided that you should do a reading in december when i will actually be in NY. I would also like haviland should sing at that reading...maybe you could do a musical version of your pilot?

Lozo said...

"...I la-la-la-love the planing..."

for some reason, Dr. Jeb Jones really made me laugh. i think that's my new alias when i meet people i don't want to meet again.

btw, here's a dumb question. you like girls. haviland likes girls. you're both hot. you both seem to like each other. why not, you know, make it like a serious thing?

coming back from the airport, i realized that after months of looking forward to our milwaukee trip, it was over. no more excitement. i love the excitement of going away. now, it's gone. so i get you.

good luck tomorrow. watch out for the Lord, if you know what i mean, dude.

Annie said...

Excellent Phantom Tollbooth ref.

Fave line of the video: "Hey have you seen Hey Paula?"

Totally made a coworker buy me your MarieClaire from "the magazine store" on the corp. card. Have you been? 57th-ish and 8th ave. Heaven.

Fave line of that: "I watched them slather on deoderant as if it were a product that did things."

Yay you!

Annie said...

P.S. You're only 5'10"? WEAK.


M said...

It is 12:40. I am at work. Everything is normal. Well, almost everything. The following conversation took place earlier this morning:

Coworker: Do you have little brothers or sisters?
Me: Yeah, a little brother. Why?
Coworker: You were humming the song from The Little Mermaid.
Me: Really?
Coworker: Yes. I do the same thing because of my kids. How old is your brother?
Me: 22.

Naturally, I thought this woman was simply mistaken or maybe just insane (a feeling that was undoubtedly reciprocated). If I were going to expend the effort to hum a song, obviously it would be a wicked sweet one and not the one of which I was being accused. However, it’s nearly an hour later and I’ve just caught myself humming that fucking Little Mermaid song again. And unlike the last time that it “allegedly” happened, this particular spell prompted some casual wondering as to why the hell I was humming a Disney song. I couldn’t place it. It made me worried. Mass speculation ensued. Like, exhausting speculation.

Well guess what? I just figured it out.

We’re through.

And by “through” I mean until next Sunday, or maybe sooner if I get bored.

riese said...

stef: That's really funny. I don't even wanna know what we were talking about. But it's awesome how you refer to it as "3-D" as the difference between computer and real life. It makes me feel like a Sim who comes to life, like if you had 3-D glasses, the same effect could be had using a computer, too. Which would be awesome, obvs.

I totally do that, too. Actors become, eternally, the characters I first associated with them. Both in the actor's real life and in their on-screen choices. I'm always like "When did Joey Potter marry Tom Cruise?!". I was surprised to see Ricky had taken such a turn ... but by that I mean, not surprised at all. If only that gay professor dude had been like "Don't do drugs." I think Ricky was the first bisexual character I ever knew about .. actually ...

And Jordan Catalano ... is totally Jordan Catalano for life. I think the sooner Jared Leto embraces that, the better. Also, he looks like Shane.


razia: The "why aren't we all A-list whathaveyous already?" conversation is one of our favorites. Seriously, we have it far more often then we could admit here. But yeah, every time I see her perform, I'm like, this is totes ridic that she is not famous. That's sort of part of the idea of the pilot--that it will make all the talented people who are for some reason not superstars yet into superstars. I mean, hell, if Susan Powter believes in us, we've got all we need HOLLA! And thank you for the reiteration ...

Mike Jones is based on a real person ... in fact, the first boy I ever french kissed. This comment is turning out to be full of personal revelations. It's like, a goldmine of information I should keep to myself.

I cut and paste things from essay to story to essay to blog all the time, too much.

Re: "Also is the new PS," TOTES.


oo lynnie oo

No sweat. I don't care as long as you keep posting comments to me, that's really my No. 1 concern. I mean, it would probably be really fun for you to have a blog, but my primary care is: "What does this mean for ME?" and what it means for me is "Is lynnie ooo still commenting?" yes, yes she is. Game on.

That being said (sarcastically, obvs,), let me know when you do start your own blog, and I will comment the hell out of it, and be excited for you and your thoughts.

I think people sing "A Whole New World" when drunk all the time. I wonder what it is. The audience participation element? The uncanny ability all women have to recite the lyrics by heart? Something about that song just lends itself to impromptu singalongs.



Crystal went to that school too! Maybe they know each other. It's a small, small world.

We will do a reading in December. [I say that as if this is something I can control. Maybe it is! Who knows what could happen by then!] Haviland's reading with me at the best of the best "in the flesh" on september 19th, too. I'll put something incredible to music. I'll write "part of your world" for lesbians. Look at that muff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think being gay was my feat? Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who's done, every girl? I got Robins and Laurens a-plenty, I got Jessies and Katherines galore. You want Jennifers? I've done twenty! But who cares, no big deal, I want moreeeeee!"


Lozo, Lozo, LOZO, Jeb JEB JEB

That time, the "lozo lozo lozo" was fully intended. Really, you are so fearless with your sense of humor, you should be on a reality show where people voluntarily jump into packs of lions or something.

Re: Maviland, the ever-popular question ... (often asked within a few days by any girls I date in any context, too, sort of like "Just to be sure there's no lingering possibility of you running away with Haviland ... um ... have you two ever considered dating?")

Life is not The Baby Sitters Club/Girls Gone Wild, straight boy. There's more to a partnership/relationship than being hot and liking each other. And how could I possibly love Haviland any more than I already do? I couldn't. BFFs 4-EVA.

Anyhow, how do you think lesbians become friends to begin with? They date each other, obvs!

Also, in the video Heather (Haviland's girlfriend) and I (Haviland' s best friend) discuss that Haviland will break up with both of us when she sees the video and knows that we listen to techno remixes of showtunes at the gym, which'll make this all a moot point.

Yeah, post-vaycay depression is like postpartum. Thanks for the good luck!


Annie: OMG, how tall are you? Are you taller than me? (Did I know this already?) Thanks for making people buy Marie Claire, holla! I'm still just excited that you have the same "condition," like we could be bonding in a support group right now. Maybe it's a condition afflicting tall girls from the midwest primarily, like there was something in the water? Or in the 7-11 Frozen Cokes?

Also, re: "Hey Paula." Awesome when Rosie asked a group of us to watch a cut of her upcoming film and give her feedback on whether or not she, at any point, seemed "like Hey Paula." Also, how come when I asked that question, everyone's answer was "no"? I think it's probs cuz they don't work out mid-day at NYSC, where Hey Paula is often on. What's really sad is that the only shows I've seen all year are Hey Paula, My Life on the D-List, and The L Word. Oh, and some ANTM here and there.


M: My goal in life is to make you do embarrassing things at work. Also, you keep playing games with my heart, breaking up with me left and right. First it was for making you watch The L Word, and now, it's for making you hum The Little Mermaid. I'd like to say that though these things may seem cringeworthy at the time, I promise you, there's a message beneath it all, and that message is: Girls are hot.

Lozo said...

here's you: "life isn't all Girls Gone Wild where we are hot and make out and stuff."

here's me: "LA LA LA LA LA! LA LA LA LA! i can't hear you! LA LA LA LA LA!"

TMB said...

This is the funniest thing I've ever read. I'm literally dying.

Cheers and good luck tonight,


TMB said...

P.S. I love Lozo. Seriously. Yay!

Laura said...

This list reminds me of things I have to do which I haven't even started. Which is depressingly long.

And of how absolutely average I am. I'm average height, weight, shoe size, hair colour, eye colour and anything else you can think of. (I wish i was a little bit taller, I wish i was a baller.) 5'10 sounds like a good non-average height to be.

I wrote a horror film when I was 13 with a bunch of friends. It was called 'virtual insanity'. Looking back it was a pile of crap, but we were really proud of those 45 pages at the time.

I think I should start and finish more projects.

Razia said...

Uhhhh re: Mike Jones. That was a little awkward. I've gotta say I'm gonna think twice before I draw parallels between any of your characters again.

Oh and about the A-list conversations you have with your friends, we have similar ones except it's more like "When I'm CEO of an MNC..." as opposed to entertainment based goals.

Annie said...

I'm 5'11" but always look taller due to shoes. It's definitely something in the Midwestern Slurpees -- by the way I think it's hysterical that you've now referred to Slurpees as "slushees" (on my site) and "Frozen Coke" (here) but not their actual name, because you were never down like that. Which is fine! I will start a support group here in NYC if you want to -- that could be hilar. BUT, my plight is greater than yours, I think, because I was too chicken (fingers) to ever get the botox.

Sorry, that chicken fingers thing is something I've been doing since 6th grade. Leaving it.

Anonymous said...

I like that I'm not the only person in the world with good intentions but bad follow up.

Sidenote: Slurpies, Slush puppies, slushes are called Jubblees in the UK. In Summers gone by (when Britain wasn't putting on a summer long production of Noah's Ark minus the Ark), you could buy like plastic cartons of drinks frozen in shops (granted mostly shitty little shops where they had little sweets you could buy for a penny). Also Ice Pops - which were probably just full of shit like anti-freeze. Oh the good old days!

riese said...

Lozo: I read your comment on my phone machine on the crosstown bus and LOLed and all the sad rainy people were jealous. Especially all the hot girls who were not making out with other hot girls.


tmb: Tomorrow night, but thanks! And, per ush, I'm always glad about making you laugh. [Or else you're being sarcastic and it went over my head, which is totes possible.]


Lara: I always wanted to be 5'8. I made some fucking amazing incredible films as a child/YA, both written and filmed. The best was the homosexy music video for "The Crying Game."


Razia: Yeah, it was a little awkward. But who knew? Not me, not you, not anyone, not Mike himself, or his inspiration (I have no clue what I'm talking about anymore).

Really though: you shoulda been there at the time! Talk about awkward! There was a lot of Jolt involved. It used to be like cocaine for me, or something. Jolt. Do they have Jolt over there? Hmm. Oh, the old days of my youth (actually pathetically not that long ago).

Also, what is an MNC?

Also, I just realized I forgot to give you book recs. I'd suggest the John Marsden mentioned up there, and um, yeah, email/comment and tell me what you like to read usually and I will craft a custom made list.



Re: Slurpees/Slushees/Frozen Coke

I've been doing that since 6th grade. I don't like the word "slurp."

Also, it could be worse ... sometimes I call them "slushes." Like SLUSH, but plural. I love Frozen Cokes, specifically. Man. Speaking of frozen treats, I want these things right now:
1. Orange Cream Cooler, from Olga's.
2. Blizzard, from DQ.

We can invite z-madison to our support group too. It's gonna be slammin'!

I always look shorter due to slouch. Or taller, when i wear my cowboy boots, but now I got my chucks back. Holla!



Jubblees! That's like a word verification itchin' to happen! Ice Pops come in plastic tubes and go in the freezer and sometimes stay there forever, right? I think I liked those, cuz I liked making my mouth change color.

Haviland said...

First of all, you are amazing...

The video is HIGH-larious...and thanks, all y'all, for the props! Many, many more 3D videos to come - just you wait.

Susan Powter made me a business model, and I intend to follow it.

Riese, I put up your video on's going to be hilarious as you suddenly begin to have massive bway musical fans flocking to your blog...

And Lozo...honestly, the question is a constant...obvs you'll have to help us pitch this show, and then you'll see all your fantasies played out in nighttime drama on the TV set.

mmmmkay? :)

Lozo said...

wow. i'm conversing with haviland now. how far i've come in the comments.

first off, you should like, sing or something. cut a record. but, we should never do karaoke together unless i get to go before you.

second off, i'd be more than happy to help pitch the show. but under two conditions.

1) there's a part in it for me where i play dr. jeb jones, dream gynocologist.

2) at the pitch meeting, we're going to need some lesbian love scenes to show them. i think i need to film them beforehand. i know what you're thinking, and yes, i'm that dedicated to your guys' success.

haviland said...

uh-huh. right.

you know, i do, like, sing and stuff. a lot.

you can come to see me do it, live, on stage, every night on 44th street in NYC on the bway.

and, yes, i am cutting a record.

lain said...

OK, so

1) Riese, your voice is awesomely deeper than I expected. Props (though I know you had nothing to do with it).

2) Adderall is supposed to help with this. The brilliant-beginnings petering out into vast warehouses of half-finished manuscripts and half-repaired pairs of favorite jeans.

It doesn't. Case you were wondering.

3) My vote is for the jean skirt, obvs.

4) Re: conversing with Haviland via comments.

Haviland, while reading your comment to last installment/episode, where you're like "Nobody gets to talk to my friend that way!" and so on and so forth being the sweet best friend/white knight like friends are supposed to be, I totally had a Grinch moment ("Well... in Who-Ville they say that the Grinch's small heart heart grew three sizes that day!")

and I got a little insight into why (warning: L-word/automatic straddle reference) riese (heather, really) calls that little girl in Jared's class who raises her hand and explains why you should respect all people "little Haviland."

So props to you too. Hells yes.

riese said...

Haviland: First of all, YOU are amazing! And absolutely, re: our new lives in 3D. I can't wait for the Broadway musical fans, if they come. Aren't they busy, like on Posting on allthatchat?

They'll obviously be coming for the Idina Menzel remix.

And Carly and I just mapped out like five more episodes and totes got some Tasti-D and other ripped from the bloglines stuff squeezed in there ... wheee!

Oh ... the eternal question ....


Lozo: Really, you never cease to amaze me. Both in your remarkable ability to read selectively and your incredible bravery in specifically targeting your humor at the exact sort of jokes that boil the blood of lesbians everywhere ... howevs ... you've made me LOL today like, 10 times, including this most recent comment. Literally, laughing out loud so much that I thought (that's like an L Word episode title) "OMG, I'm LOLing." Maybe you should watch Dr. T and the Women, if you haven't already. Except there aren't lesbians in it. Or maybe they are. I found it semi-boring.


Haviland 2: I laughed out loud again at the idea of Lozo going to see Les Mis. Also I mentioned your Kelly Clarkson audition to Carly during our discussion of Samantha's audition, and she laughed a whole lot.


lain: Hmm ... 'awesomely deep.' I'm gonna hope that's a good thing, and then like it. Although actually I do this weird little girl voice I'm told a lot of the time, to the annoyance of some and the appeal of others. Often on the phone, I do this. That was my sarcastic dry-humor voice on the video. (Obvs I hate my voice, but so does everyone, I think.)

Re: Adderall .... funny you should mention it. Obvs I have an RX for it. Why do you think I write such long blog entries? But yeah, it helps you until you step away from the project that seemed so world-consuming at the time. Then you're like "What project? I'm totally focused on THIS thing right now." Why do you think I'm so crazy? (Don't actually think about that for too long)

Holla for the auto-straddle shout out!!

And yay/props for little and big Haviland. She be little but she be fierce, etc.

Yay for everyone! Oh! And! Haviland's intro to that little bit with the shorts was actually something like "see, this is the dichotomy of my personality," or something.

Obvs I am in a good mood since we just plotted out more episodes. And clearly, the planning stage, as I mentioned, is one of my favorite parts.

Razia said...

We don't have jolt here but google tells me it's an energy drink of some sort. Energy drinks are the devil, I never used to touch the stuff until this last exam session when I started to live off it to keep me awake. It wasn't pretty. Now exams are over but the Red Bull has stuck around in the form of Jager bombs. Yay.

Also, first kisses are always awkward. The first guy I ever kissed was a lot older than me. I was 13 and he was uh *clears throat* 19. What a harlot. TMI? I think so.

Also, Also. An MNC = Multi National Corporation aka Capitalist Bloodsucker. My MNC, however, will be different - totally revolutionary. Get this, Capitalism with heart. Wow. Blows your mind, doesn't it? Then you and your A-list clique can invest your riches and become shareholders, yay. That is if your not spending all your money on drugs and liquor of course. Kidding. You'll be so rich that you can have all that and invest!

carlytron said...

Re: me cracking up at the Kelly Clarkson thing, this is for 2 reasons:

1) I love Kelly Clarkson, I am totes serious about that.
2) I don't even know, it was just the most hilarious/brill thing I had heard in days, it seemed like.
2a) I also cracked up at something retarded, and was like, crying, so perhaps I was just silly tonight? ("It's like this group of people ... meets this group of people.")
2b) Can you sing whatever you want? Like, if I had talent (I mean, I was in a band but I really can't sing), and therefore had something to audition for, I'd like to think I'd do something completely retarded, like "Shoop."

kate said...

Re: We will do a reading in December. [I say that as if this is something I can control. Maybe it is! Who knows what could happen by then!]
that is the kind of positive can-do attitude thats gets pilot's made, I believe.

also the kind of positive attitude that makes it sound like i have actually purchased tickets to get to th U.S/Canada.

i love the little mermaid - and girls are good too, so obviously that song should be rehearsed for my impending arrival

Ollie said...

5'11 is TINY where I come from. I'm 5'11 and my two best friends are respectfully 6' and 6'3. They call me Naine de Jardin (garden gnome). We also wear really high heels and walk down avenues clompity clompity and scare everyone. Ok, that could be our wigs. I was surprised by your voice too Riese. In fact I realized that you and the Talent Posse had -wait for it-AMERICAN ACCENTS! Wazoo! Shocking! But to this Euro, American accents still come as a shock, because you expect everyone to sound like they just came out of a Eurostar. Good entry and thanks!

rk said...

when reading your blog, i imagined your voice would be higher too. i saw a video once in your blog with you and some dog (??) and was pretty surprised about your voice in a positive sense. a friend of mine thinks her laugh sounds like a tractor but it doesn't. the good old difference between self-perception and how others perceive you.

how tall is 5'10"? I'm too lazy doing research.

i went to a magazine shop in a railway station in the middle of nowhere (alps) to buy the american marie claire but they only had the june issue. so i have to wait. but i'll buy it. swear.

Lozo said...

as long as everyone knows i'm not to be taken seriously, and that i'm just a Satanist who enjoys being apart of this land of lesbians, no one will get upset.

riese said...

Razia: I love the ability Red Bull has to morph it's effects to a variety of beneficial situations. Jolt tastes like normal Coke, if I remember, but with like, Mountain Dew-esque caffeine. Since we're on the topic of TMI, I'll add that the incident in question was like, about a week before my 16th birthday, which made me really happy, because then I didn't have to say I was sweet sixteen and never been kissed.

I am really pumped about your MNC. I have a big tupperware container of loose change and I think we can spin that into gold. No but really ... really. It'll all come together one day. Right Susan Powter/Haviland Stillwell/Heather J. Weiss? Right.


1) Don't we all? Except Lozo?
2) It was.
2a) That was really, really, really really funny. I mean, wasn't it? (Also, I have this idea for a show: it's like The Golden GIrls meets The Mickey Mouse Club?)
2b) Obviously all of these numerical tidbits of information are directed at Haviland, but since I've already responded to 1-->2a, I may as well keep going and say, I think they can, depending on the audition, and I would do "Waterfalls." Also nice link to "Shoop," which I clearly found Brill enough to actually show to Haviland before she met you. Like; that video, specifically. Before anything else. Ever.


Hell yeah positive can do attitude! We're like, pumping up the PCDA for our pilot to an extreme that we are perhaps becoming qualified to be motivational speakers for ourselves. Next time we're all drunk, we'll start rehearsals. Though I am the worst singer of all time, we did "Under the Sea" for 4th grade Art/Music night, and I believe I still recall my part.


OMG where do you live? Brobdingnag?

No but really, France, right? I should move there. It's funny we're discussing height so much, 'cause Carly and I have determined that so far, the (hypothetical) cast and crew for our show is exceedingly tall. Like Hav'll be the shortest one. At Sarah Lawrence, somehow all my friends were between 5'8 and 5'10, and we all wore those Steve Madden chunk heels that were cool then, and would take the Metro-North into the city and clomp around like big hot giants.

It is funny, how we expect everyone to have the same accent as us.

Wigs? Fun!



Hmmm .... I imagine my voice higher than it is too. Ha! Also I've posted videos from when I was younger and my voice is higher. Really .... dark sarcastic dry humor voice in video. Or maybe it's just as I get closer to the lesbionic side of myself. Also, I have this bizarre girlish yelpy laugh. Most people who know me do a really fabulous imitation, which I love. It involves like, body spasms.

This is the dog video you mention, which was in my post about some animals that don't drive me crazy. Filmed in '02. The best part is my weird accent, like I'm from New Jersey or something, even though that's just from going to U of M with a bunch of weirdos from Long Island.

In November, I think? I posted this video: a tiny preview of steph's nerve-blogger audition video, which she ended up not doing, but hm. We go ice skating, drunk. And then Stephanie poses in a bikini in my bathtub. Run Lozo, run. (JK!)

Hm, yeah, so, that's me.

178 cm.

That is awesome that you went to a railway station in the middle of nowhere to get the article. I trust you'll read it, because you swear it.


Lozo: Well put. You could've been on the cruise!

And also ....

carlytron said...

I imagine that conversation went like this:
"Hey, so I'm gonna write a tv show, and I want you to be in it!"
"I'm writing it with this girl who has a blog but never updates it, but I'm sure she's reliable enough to write a tv show with."
"Totally!!! Is she awesome?"
"Yeah here's a video of her singing Shoop."
"Isn't that great? She is totally someone to put your career in the hands of, right?"
"You are handing that to me, Riese, and I am not taking it."

Razia said...

Isn't it strange how having your first kiss is such an accomplishment? I remember my first thought was something along the lines of cha-ching.

I'm a firm believer of it all working out one day, y'know, with my past and all. My biggest question in life isn't whether I'll succeed but rather how I'm going to succeed (I don't know if I've heard/read that somewhere before or if it's an actual original thought - it feels original).

lain said...

Where did all this first kiss discussion stuff come from? And ON THE VERY DAY I happpen to have a long and exceedingly strange conversation with First Serious Boyfriend about the circumstances surrounding our first kiss?

I have no recollection of the event; he can recall it in detail.

Awkward? Yes.

I mean, I know I smoked a lot of pot then, but you would think it would have made more of an impression. I tried to mollify him with other crystal-clear memories (there are many! he was great!) but things are still a little strained. I think I should probs wait a while before asking him for more computer advice. TMI is only TMI if it's not funny, I think.

And yes, the low voice is def a good thing in my book. Think Nina Simone, Jennifer Tilly, Edith Piaf, etc.

Laura said...

The first time I kissed a boy I got a love bite (a hickey). This wasn't a problem. But I was nine.

My mum was NOT happy when the next door neighbour saw this reddish purple bruise on my neck and after being thoroughly embarrassed, my mum encouraged me to wear turtle necks for a week.

This came out in conversation with my housemate the other day. She was both SHOCKED and dismayed.

The only bad thing about being nine when it happened is that I can't remember my first kiss. But I don't suppose a lot of people can.

rocketdyke said...

sometimes though, you should consider that not having consistent follow through with projects is nature's way of preventing you from doing every crazy thing that occurs to you. im actually a person who has very good follow through with projects, which i'll admit has been very beneficial with things like my education, my job, and saving money. but then, i also end up doing things like studying kung fu until i get to the point where i could break a concrete patio slab with my head (which i did twice - even though i kind of wonder why exactly i thought this sounded like a good idea). to top that, i then decided to try to do a triathlon, and ended up swimming in the hudson river (more than once, i might add, and i can promise you that that really isnt a very good idea). last month, i did a triathlon where i swam from alcatraz to san francisco. not that things like arent interesting and fun, i suppose, but i do realize that they are also kind of crazy. people dont need to actually commit themselves to every crazy idea that occurs to them. and given my history, i know that whatever new crazy thing i end up thinking of that will top swimming from alcatraz will probably, eventually, be the next crazy thing i end up actually doing. i just hope whatever it is, its not too scary. thankfully, my gf is very supportive of my condition.

Lozo said...

1) kelly clarkson is tubby and angry in all her songs. i don't consider that a coincidence. this will come up in my milwaukee tale at some point.

2) and also what? i'm in suspense over here.

Abby said...

Weird, the connections keep coming. I was just watching the first episode of Girl Trash and Melanie Lynsky's husband is the guy in it! (Jimmi Simpson).

riese said...



Scene: Haviland and Riese have just processed the last dramatic week of their lives in Hav's living room, now are working on respective laptops.

me: look at this video of carly singing "shoop"! Isn't she funny?
haviland [half looking, half reading her email, placating]: haha.. yeah, she's so cute! [goes back to email]
me: [laughing at video]
haviland: [reading her email, totes not paying attention]
me: Our TV show's gonna be really awesome!
haviland [not looking still, staring at her computer screen]: Yeah it is!
me: she knows all the words to shoop!
haviland: [not looking still] I can't wait to meet her! You should put yourself in her hands!

[jk about that last part]



God, I remember feeling so miserable that I hadn't had mine yet! I was just like yeah ... toes cha-ching. And i agree with your thought, original or not.


It started because Razia said she was like Mike Jones in my play, and I said that Mike Jones was based on a boy I actually knew, and that boy was my first real french kiss. His name, in real life, was Bill. I cut his hair and then we made out and then the next day I didn't talk to him, because that was my instinct: you make out and then the next day make it clear you're totes uninterested by ignoring the other person. Urm, sometimes I still do that.

Obvs it's because this world is a big series of cosmic coincidences.

It's always good to have someone around to remember things for you. My memory of my first kiss is pretty vivid. He has no clue it was my first kiss. He'd already slept with like, 5 women (at the age of ... 15), cause he lived in Grayling, and there's not much to do in Grayling besides get drunk and fuck.

Agreed, re: TMI. Although really, it's hard for me to ever truly feel someone is giving me TMI. I usually am so happy that someone feels comfortable opening up to me ... or that they are opening up at all, because I think that's important (clearly I should've gone into social work or psychology or something), and I know it takes a lot of bravery for me to ever say how I really feel about anything so I try to respect others' bravery too .... yeah, I never really mean TMI, if I say it, it's a joke to appease other people or something. Don't know what I'm talking about.

And re: low voice. awesome/yay!



Nine! Hot damn, tiger! Still, you aren't alone. It all just depends on who happens to be around your life, it's all such circumstance. I knew nothing then. Actually Heather and I discuss that in the video. When I'm saying how I thought people just rubbed up against each other.

But when I got a hickey once, my Mom made it into this gigantic deal and I thought I was gonna kill myself.



That is a really good point. I have a similar theory -- like that i need to do all of these things that I don't complete to get to the mental point where I'm able to do the things that I do end up completing.

Um these are the amazing things you've done that I am jealous of:
1. a triathalon
2. swimming from alcatraz to san francisco
3. saving money



1) I like Kelly Clarkson's anger. It reminds me of my own. I'm interested in how tubby-hood comes through in the music.

2) Um, mortal?



I heart coincidence.

carlytron said...

riese: that's hilarious. mine wasn't that far off, I feel.

abby: that guy was in d.e.b.s. too, and I think he's awesome. I had no idea he was married to melanie lynskey!

stef said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Razia said...

You know this may have come to everyone else already but I just realised that two of the most common themes in these comments are first kisses and the little mermaid - isnt it ironic that the little mermaids plot is basically revolved around her getting her first kiss? It all comes full circle. Wow.

riese said...

carly: Also, obviously, Shoop was on at the gym yesterday when I walked in, directly after reading your comment. It was so obvious that I just spelled out the word "obvious." I forgot to mention that.


stef: waaaa!! I was about to respond to your comment, only to see that it's been deleted. In any event, I enjoyed your cha-ching moment, or your FUCKING FINALLY moment, as you put it, and I think it is interesting, re: the unawareness of the other party. And; we all have intimacy problems, we all hate our voices, and Haviland is like, 5'5 too. Probs most of my friends are short actually. Also I have some younger readers who maybe haven't had a growth spurt yet.

And was sorry you weren't there for me to accost you and force you to speak with me. I'm really good at speaking to strangers. My superior interpersonal relationship skills were at their peak when I said "I thought you were going to read!" to the editor of the anthology and she was like "I did!" and I was like "whoops," because from where I was sitting, I couldn't see a single thing. So although I did hear her essay, I didn't know it was her reading, even though I'd read the book. then I said: "i read the book, I swear!" because like: I DID. Anyhow, what's the point of that? There is no point. I can't say that now without thinking "moonkiller is a moo point." And then thinking, I think she is also not tall maybe.


Razia: I had not thought of that, and you are superior wisdom. This'd be a good spot to make this little hand-churning gesture and go "see that? see how we brought that back around? yeah, that was good."

stef said...

yeah i actually read it over and thought 'that actually IS tmi.' this is the hazard of commenting at 4 am as i often do.
i have thought of telling the guy but i can't figure out HOW to work that into conversation. HEYY REMEMBER THAT TIME... i am not sure how he'd take it so many years later. i'm clearly THAT GOOD that he never noticed. of course.
i'd have gone... everybody in my office was kidnapped and forced to go to the beach to see poison at jones beach.. it was tragic (and um, AMAZING). next time obv... attending a relative stranger's erotic reading is in no way awkward.

Abby said...

Carly, the youtube clip is way too short! My gf knows ALL the words to Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby. It's on Playstation2 Singstar so she always wins on that one, hilarious! I'll have to get in on video.

caitlinmae said...

Wow people love loave lurve luff this entry, clearly. I mean, cruise video was pretty banging, but TOO SHORT! do we get to see the deleted scenes as part of the special features of the first season of Live it out?
I was somehow trapped in the vortex of NJ yesterday and got back too late to see your reading- but I did walk around target reading your fantastic marie claire article (which is heads and tails above the quality they usually print- you're so absurdly talented.) And after I finished it I actually took out my cell phone to text you and be like oh hey! that was awesome! and then I remembered things like, oh yeah, we only cyberknow each other. So I totes don't have your number.

But anyway, I would have texted you a high five yesterday.

carlytron said...

you know what this? ENTRY #51 ONCE AGAIN!


also, abby: there are lots more road trip videos here. no more shoop though, sadly. i'll make it to karaoke one of these days.

word verification: "lytgrga" ... le tigre?

riese said...

stef: I was sort of predicting you were going to do that, so it's okay. I have the hazard of doing anything at all whatosever at 4 am.

That's a primo secret to be holding to yourself. If I were you, I'd want to say it all the time. It's such gold. I'd also want to use it as a Party Trick, because it's just awfully tempting. I'd say: you will know when the timing is right. Then it will be an Amazing Conversation.

I need an office like your office. My office is just me, and I never kidnap myself.


I know, right? The unedited cut'll go on the DVD extras.


I know, right? The unedited cut'll go on the DVD extras.

All I've got left on my computer is me listing "Haviland's Favorite Things" at the Karaoke bar in Key West [read: least favorite things] but I look so terrible in it, I think I'd have to apply a bevy of special effects to make it presentable. Like Max Hedroom style. I know that seems remarkable, probs, considering the multiple unflattering visual representations I've already put on this blog, but that one is really bad. Hm. I think I have more balcony footage too.

That is so sad that you got stuck in NJ when you coulda been at the KGB bar with the cool kids, e.g., me. But I'm glad you liked the article! Thank you for all those nice things you said. I'm glad you said "text" instead of "phone call," clearly you've been paying attention. And I know what you mean, it's really weird when you think like, Oh i need to text this person, and then you realise you don't actually know their number even though you interact in many formats. Although right now, I have no one's number, following the phone-stealing incident.


You've just got superior timing. Lets try to make this happen every time. That might mean I'll be texting you at 3am while you're at Splash, dancing to Umbrella with a bunch of gay men who wanna fuck each other, telling you to get home and comment.