Sunday, May 13, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: Summer Scattergories

TB and I have played a lot of Scattergories this week. I'm adding that to the short list of "games I could beat TB at," along with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, Hi-Ho Cheerio and Scene It? ['cause though I probably haven't "seen it," if you will--she definitely hasn't seen it, giving me a distinct advantage, like playing Axis and Allies with George W.] One of Scattergories' highlights is the answers you're a little shamed to reveal. The answers you introduce with: "Um, so I put...." like TB's "Echinacea" as a "Flower," my "Japanese Businessmen" for "Things in an Airport" or my "Homosexuals" as 'Things Found in Pairs or Sets." Or the bad answers we BOTH put: e.g. "Drug Problem" as "Reason to Skip School/Work." We gave ourselves both a point. My new roommate Zoey claims to be the Scattergories Master. We'll get to the bottom of this within the next 7-10 days.

Also: It's getting really hot, and we still have bars in our windows, thus preventing the insertion of mammoth cheap air conditioner, which'll keep me frigid as I avoid the world all summer, per usual.


which might be contested were we playing Scattergories, but which I'm quite positive are Correct Answers.

10. R IS FOR Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder:

I talk about this every summer, such is the depth of my loathing for this season. In summary, I despise: temperatures over 70°, sticky melted frozen deserts on fingers, insects, steaming hot subway stations, scantily clad pedestrians, The Puerto Rican Day Parade, The Fourth of July, water-parks, public pools, street fairs involving selling food outdoors and death-trap "rides," unsupervised children that ought to be in school, Arctic-quality air conditioning on airplanes, the smell of rotting meat emanating from the corner deli, flip flops, hot rotting garbage on the street, the beach, tourists, shorts, men who whistle at girls in skirts, sunburns, sunscreen, razor-burn.

9. I IS FOR Interns:

The popular "summer internship" corrals some of our country's most unbearable persons into the city. [e.g. LI Juiceheads prepared to feel subservient for the first time EVER at Goldman Sachs; at night they travel in droves to generic Upper East Side or Union Square-area bars to pick up girls who look like their mothers--crispy-tan, hair shiny and flat as grass--they talk too loudly in restaurants and self-consciously pat their gelled hair, and they will never change, this is who they'll be forever. Only when they get older it'll be more refined, and take up more space.] I've worked three part-time internships during the colder months, but never slugged out The Proper 9-5 Unpaid Summer Kind. Here's the thing about internships: it's a lot of workanyone'd probably resent earning minimum wage for. But, somehow the fact that they refuse to pay you AT ALL WHATSOEVER makes it totally appealing, like it must really be worth it. I mean, there's gotta be a huge payoff if you've gotta COMPETE with other kiddos for the honor of making copies and color-coding binders for free, right? I realistically realized that any full-time internship would be 8 weeks in which to prove to my supervisors that I hate fax machines, which would do little to improve my odds of post-internship employment. Or maybe that's just what I told myself so I didn't have to bother applying to them. I oughtta admit that I was an intern at the lit agency for one day before they put me on payroll as a legit Assistant, which made Krista [3-10pm, M-Fri, Non-Profit Theater Internship, $50 weekly stipend] and Ingrid [10-6, MOMA in Queens, 100% unpaid]'s blood boil. I really loved interning at nerve, and they did provide a little stipend, and "perks." Like being the Hippest Hipster EVER.

Oh and! I interned at US Weekly for about two days, but they grossed me out so I quit. That was during the winter, though.

8. B is for Beach Bum Tanning Salon:
Because there's a sin to cure every ailment [e.g drinking has always done wonders for my allergies!], tanning totes cures eczema. And the bruises I've acquired from running into everyday objects like tables, chairs, and walls. Camouflage. Below I've posted a photo from Cruise '06. Just 'cause.

7. L is for Lightheaded
Allergy season begins mid-August. Claritin, Tylenol Allergy-Sinus, Sudafed: That shit fucks me up. This's odd, considering the following: I've popped six Vicadin and then driven my car, had sex, and driven my car back home. I've downed an entire bottle of anti-anxiety pills and like, woke up the next day [I was just really stressed out/coming down off of something vicious, not trying to kill myself, weirdos, obvs I wasn't always the stunning pillar of mental health that stands before you today]. That's just the tip of the iceberg. But allergy medicine gets me all dizzy-like. Thus, I must choose between illness and feeling like my limbs are actually wings and my brain is just a helium balloon. I usually choose the former because it gets me out of stuff. Not work or anything--no one gives a shit--but like, being pleasant company, etc.

6. G is for Girly
Last year, I wrote: "Girls sometimes wear those silly flowy hippie skirts, and boys sometimes wear cargo shorts. Both of these things make me not want to have sex with anyone ever." Luckily I have a girlfriend now, and I can't imagine her wearing a flowy hippie skirt. Though, if I were to imagine that, it would be a very funny image. Apparently, before an important family event in which she wore a dress, she was told by Father to degangsterize [her] lesbian stride. The original title of this topic was "M is for Men in Shorts" but then I decided that was too mean, and made me sound like a man-hater when I'm totally not AT ALL [Seriously though, what woman prefers men in shorts over men in pants? Aside from like, the girlfriends of basketball players and bicyclists?], so instead I thought I'd talk about how every summer I unleash my inner girl, who wears things like dresses and skirts. With Pumas.

5. D is for Dunkin' Donuts
I hate their coffee but I heart their iced coffee. AND MAN DO I HEART ICED COFFEE. In the summer, the typically unpleasant Starbucks line becomes literally unbearable [like, I could lose my marbles there, even if they're playing some Goodthinkful music and I'm eyeing a memoir detailing a life about 10,000 times worse than this line could ever be], crowded with tourists and interns looking to cram as much sugar and sugar products into their coffee as possible, via gigantoid mintchocachino frozen whipped creamed caramel latte totesbag whatevers. D2 is cheaper and just as good/bad. All iced coffee is the same. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

4. B is for Black:
I know only pasty Ozzfest-attending goth kids are supposed to don all-black in the summer, but I get really sweaty. Like, everywhere. Thus I recommend black camisoles from H+M. They last about three wearings before falling to pieces, but it's worth it. Disposable tank tops, if you will. Below, Lainy and I, outside of Girl-Nation in August '05, right after we were slammed in the head by an ambitious bouncer breaking into the bathroom. Either I'm still reeling from that event, or I'm like Gilbert! Gilbert! Hey, my shoe done fell off, Gilbert! Match in the gas tank boom boom boom!

3. I is for Italian Restaurants, the Dark Empty Kind:

This is called "Twice Baked Lasanga with Meatballs." It's good for people who enjoy cardiac arrest and multiple trips to the company restroom. Originally introduced as a special, guests enjoyed this disgusting dish so much it's now on the regular menu.
I put in three summers at The Macaroni Grill [Ann Arbor, Michigan] and two at The Olive Garden [Times Square, NYC]. These aren't summer hot-spots, exactly: both serve 1,500 calorie bowls of Fettuccine Alfredo as a Lunch Entree when clearly it's not intended for consumption prior to performing any sort of activity, EVER, aside from "sitting on your couch" or "sleeping." While the psuedo-family-bar-culture restaurants in Michigan like TGI Fridays would draw crowds hoping for outdoor seating, a.k.a. a great view of the surrounding shopping malls, The Macaroni Grill's crowds remained sparse-to-non-existent. Aside from the occasional blessing of a soccer tournament or Charity Walk, Lizzie and I'd just sit on the wine-boxes and talk about sex [convos generally falling into two categories: 1. regrets, 2. masturbation]. In '00, the air conditioner broke at the OG, and we couldn't fix it [needed a helicopter, apparently? I dunno, Times Square, whatever] and gross sweaty people would complain on how it was soooooo hot and I'd be like "One of us has to be here. And it's not you. Fuckin' run for your life, gluttonous douchebags! Here's your salad refill, p.s.!"

2. J is for Judaism:

My Mom didn't believe in "normal" summer-camp. There was no point in leaving home if we weren't gonna come back Holy.

Camp Ranana, the local Jewish day camp, totes defeated me; another opportunity to be reminded I wasn't as pretty/cool/"advanced in cup-size" as the other girls, though said girls befriended me always 'cause I told funny jokes.

At Zionist overnight camp, we slept in platform tents and had chores before breakfast, like "No oatmeal 'til you clean the bathrooms, kibbutzim!" I had an affair with the weirdest kid at camp, 'cause he intrigued me; his brother was a transvestite and he'd lost his virginity to his babysitter at 13 [in retrospect: True or False?]. He's probably bi now. Like, legitimately bi. Or else married and on a lot of psychotropics. That was the camp where we re-enacted the holocaust at 3 A.M. ["The Germans are coming! Get dressed and escape!"] and, after traipsing through the woods, playing a series of team-building games before exodus-ing to "The Land of Milk and Honey" at daybreak to cook potatoes over an open fire for breakfast and then I got sent to prison [the tennis courts] for forgetting to carry my passport. L'Chaim!

1. L is for Lilith Fair:

Raise your hand if you went to the Lilith Fair. Raise your hand if you'd go again.

[Okay, back now. I had both hands raised, and could not type.]

Oh ... it still feels like yesterday ... I can almost taste the pita bread n' hummus and hear the Sarah McLachlan and smell the marijuana and the womyn-on-womyn lovin' ... sweet memories of Magali and I crankin' up the Indigo Girls "Shamin' of the Sun'" in her beat-up non-air-conditioned stick-shift Volvo on 1-94 to Suburban Detroit to sit in the grass in our faux-hippie-gear with our faux-hippie friends, having the realest time we could've ever had at 15 ... youth ... innocence ... summertime ... that was alright. Yeah ... that was alright.


ME: Hey--did you ever go to the lilith fair?
HAVILAND: obvs. twice, amazing concerts.
HAVILAND: once with shannon and once with sherri
ME: if there was a lilith fair tomorrow, i'd go
HAVILAND: me too
HAVILAND: it was SO incredible
ME: i'd be like "I LOVE YOU TRACY CHAPMAN!!!:
HAVILAND: did u go?
ME: obvs, both years.
HAVILAND: i can't believe it stopped happening
ME: i know!
ME: totally a tease
ME: i guess that's lilith.

The summer makes me do CRAZY THINGS, 'cause of RSAD:

Actually. Last summer was pretty awesome. Hm.
The Haviland, the Cruise, Williamsburg Wonder Twins, The Reading, Starting This Little Blog, Savannah, Pride, Nyack, Tasti-D, Official Summer Jam "S.O.S"

It's getting chilly now. I f'in love it.


Razia said...

Totally agreed on the flowy hippie skirt thing *barf*. And I share the same sentiment about the general summer as well, except when I'm drunk and I don't have to worry about being cold coz being cold totally kills my buzz. However last summer wasn't that bad coz I got into diving and thats pretty cool coz it's not so hot and overpopulated down there but I don't know what it'd be like if you dove (did i just make up a word?) in NY...eek!

Crystal said...

When I was 19, I interned at Goldman Sachs over christmas (summer) - and by “interned” I mean I was a victim of nepotism; writing all their website copy in return for coffee, disapproving looks and short-lived paternal acceptance.

GS taught me some valuable lessons:
- Complacency can lead to extinction (GS motto, loud and proud)
- I don't fit in at Goldman Sachs

I hate summer because I'm caucasian to the point of transparency = mega sunburn. And, I'm about to live through my 2nd summer of '07. On the brighter side, this year I talked my way out of the obligatory Florida summer with my Grandmother; wearing Ken Done, playing bingo, and fetching sherries.

Mercury said...

I love that line, caucasian to the point of transparency. Me too! So pale!

I like summer. There are tourists all over wearing ALASKA sweaters and hats and we walk around in tee-shirts going "It's sixty degrees, live it up!" All the businesses are busier, downtown gets pretty because they have someone to impress. You can see the lines on the roads. Construction everywhere, of course, which sucks.

Plus, like, two summers ago? last summer? Some recent summer, I was a receptionist, and I was really happy then. Then I got fired when all the tourists left because business declined.

And it's really fun to go like, "ITS SO HOT TODAY" and have it be like 80 degrees - 80 degrees causes us to moan like that. If it ever gets that hot. Good stuff. Plus the sun never setting, etc.

stef said...

i did internships from the summer i was 15 until i graduated college and always hated not being paid for doing EVERYTHING until one day i got a job where i had interns... then i realized that having a kid barely two years younger than me to boss around and send for coffee is a beautiful, beautiful thing. i give them long scary speeches about how when they graduate college with their awesome nyu degrees they will probably have to work at urban outfitters for years before they find a "real" job and they smile at me like that will never happen, but ohh it will. bless them.

also my summer camp took a field trip to hershey park one summer on the same day the lilith fair was there and our camp was in the middle of nowhere and we were desperate for stiumuli whether we liked the music or not and we begged the camp to let us go to lilith fair and they wouldn't let us because they said it would make us gay. for real. so instead of eating chocolate and going on roller coasters we bought t-shirts and stood sort of near the entrance and heard luscious jackson. and it was awesome. we later told everyone we totally went.

times square in the summer... rife with the LOLs. the tourist questions are AMAZING.

riese said...

Yeah, I used to say "I'm so white I glow in the dark," which is sorta true. I should add "my veins pulse some sort of lucid blue, as well."

Crystal, you're an honorary Jew, with the Florida G-ma, Goldman Sachs, tendency to burn. Unless you're an actual Jew? No, right? Hmm....

Yes, when Haviland and I were in Alaska last July, it was totally pleasant outside, perfect weather. In fact, I was looking for telling summer photographs and in all the ones from Alaska, I'm dressed pretty much as I'd like to be year round; jeans and t-shirt.

We went to Hershey park when I was a kid but my parents took us to the museum and refusd to take us on the rides, as it was some sort of mass commercialization of an evil corporation and their unhealthy food. Kinda funny that the camp ppl thought Hershey was better for your minds than homosexuality. Though I'd gotta say, Lilith Fair was a LOT of straight girls. I mean, Sarah McLachlan is a straight-girl singer, I feel?

And yeah, I loved when I finally had someone under me at the lit agency. Because I didn't wanna wait in the line at the post office again EVER EVER.

LN James said...

One of us has to be here. And it's not you. Fuckin' run for your life, gluttonous douchebags! Here's your salad refill, p.s.!"

Win, this is why you are automatic in my book. Man, I needed the laugh, thanks..

ps. Haviland, I say you were robbed weeks ago in that GirlFit contest, btw. My little remaining faith in democracy was snuffed out with the news you didn't totally take the title.

Annie said...

Hilarious. Try the black sweat tanks at Old Navy -- they have a fun rainbow heart just for you, and both of mine are still intact.

I hate summer/looking at other people's feet. I've been wondering for quite some time now... what do you think re: flats? (Shudders.... "flats"... ew.) You say you wear skirts with Pumas, of which I "totes" approve, but I've never tried that. Generally, I hate feet so much that I'd rather wear jeans and converse every day of the summer.


Now there are these "flats." And I can't figure out if I can wear them without feeling like a twerp. I honestly think it's the being-tall thing. Tiny girls can just wear flats (not to mention heels) and you don't really notice. You just assume their feet are little and cute per their uzh. But if I walk onto the subway wearing this new (or is it two-year-old) fad, it's like.... look at that really tall girl in FLATS.

Ugh just disregard. I hate work.

Annie said...

P.S. I am wearing flats.

NY Radical said...

Razia: I just made up a word. Here it is: zdjbb. Now I'm gonna go verify it. It means "chill with the word verif on blogger, weirdo."

Crystal: which Goldman? I work in their building.

Merc: So jealous of your never-setting sun. Jeez.

Stef/Marie: I went to Hershey Park when I was a kid [can't believe your mom, Riese; so unlike her!]. Anyway, there was this really cool indoor roller coaster that rained tiny Krackels, Mr. Goodbars, etc. It was insane. I was like, "Let's ride this again! Yummy!"

Marie: You had another intern under your intership at the agency? So lucky. I used to have to bring my bike messenger bag to John's to lug the zillion queries back to John Jay. That sucked. Coulda used an intern or something to carry my computer: Hewlett Packard Statesman (white), Windows 3.1. Beeyah!

In james: totes robbed. I was like, "What the hell is this I'm leaving like right now--oh wait a minute ... it's over ... Marie? Let's blow this popsicle stand!!! Like right now."

Meanwhile, Sherri and I yelled our asses off too. We were so adamant! And they were like, "Whatevs with this Hav girl, sooooooo not hip or fit at all." Weirdos.

Annie: love flats.

riese said...

p.s. totes wearing converse.

I thought it was awesome when flats got popular, because obviously I tower above the minions in heels, and tall girls=long legs=unwarranted attention (not like, flattering attention, but just general irritating anyone-who's-not-hideous-gets-it attention)

And TB (lest we forego this form of communication in addition to the myriad of other forms that we utilize) Oh, I totes had to carry gigantic manuscripts home to everywhere, including on my bicycle. The intern just carried heavy packages to the post office...which actually didn't happen until a few months into my tenure there. All queries were handled in-house, because we can't make fun of people alone.

Yeah obviously Haviland was robbed. also I got into a fight with some random woman because I spilled something on her I guess, which I didn't even notice doing. They told her not to remove clothing, then all these bitches were like "we're gonna take off all our clothing! yaysers!

and ln, always good to make you laugh, because you also make me laugh. I like egalitarian relationships. Did I spell that right? Hm.

Crystal said...

Riese: Not Jewish. I was the bastard love child of a Buddhist (trendy, not spiritual) and an antagonist. But when in Florida, I do hang out with a large posse of elderly Jewish ladies. We play cards and they try to set me up with their sons, the Doctors. And some even their daughters, the Lawyers.

NY Rad: I did my nepotistic duty when I was growing up in Australia, as a favour to my father, a proud GS man. But now, just for kicks (or good money), I'll occassionally go down to their Broad St offices and write some enthralling financial reports/copy.

NY Radical said...

Rie: egalistiujsbfd is the correct spelling of egalitarian, obviously. I verified it myself.

Crystal: thanks for finally shouting-out #2, i.e., Rie's [Concentration] Day Camp experience. Sorry. That was a horrible joke. I'm not laughing obviously.

Also, Broad? Oh that's the other one. I'm talking about the GS a few blocks away ... cheers.

stef said...

i'm pretty sure tall girls are the ones who are supposed to be wearing flats, in that oh-look-i'm-not-overshadowing-tom-cruise-on-the-red-carpet kind of way. right?

stef said...

red CARPET. whatEVER blogger.

riese said...

Crystal: Did you really mean antagonist? Or agnostic? What's an antagonist? Just someone who's against everything? whatever it is, it sounds hawt. You should ask to be set up with their daughters, the Doctors. Then you can be like "baby, write me a script for something hot and fast' and she'll be like 'ok."

And Stef: on my gmail, the comment came in with "red carpet" in its entirety in both emails, though it didn't come through like that on the blog itself. weird, right?

And yeah, I think we are, but flats also serve to downplay our number one feature, being our legs...I dunno, everything gives me blisters. I guess, if I were to be totally honest here, and let's be honest, am I ever?, I don't own flats, but I do own heels. Because flats make my calves look funny. In my mind/imagination. And if I'm going to wear shoes that give me blisters, I'd rather have them also make my legs look hottttt. hm... but I fully support flats on others, like mischa barton, or annie, or anyone. Maybe even me, some time.

Crystal said...

I really did mean Antagonist - kinda athiest, but more active, hostile and agressive toward religion. At the same time, by calling yourself antagonist, you're in theroy, opposing a work of fiction. Umm... like, being against the protagonist... Not being an antagonist myself, i'm finding it hard to explain. Religeous Antagonism might be an australian thing, I don't know.

Razia said...

Tara: *feeling anxious about referring to people by names* Amen to that. Is it seriously necessary to verify uzerwbc twice to post a comment? Wheres the automatic verification? Hold on I think uzerwbc is Blogger actually trying to tell me something "Yous are W.B.C." where W.B.C. is shorthand for "writing bull crap". Uh oh, it sounds pissed. I better post this before it says something like inowruliv

haviland said...

Thanks, In james. :)