And Her Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day

As you may or may not know, I'm not into holidays, as they almost always require seeing other humans or being in crowded spaces with other humans. Until recently, most holidays required me serving food to massive amounts of other humans for measly holiday tips (everyone eats out on holidays, not just typical eater-outers (do with that what you will), so the tips are generally lower than usual). I think I made a joke that "celebrating every National Holiday to its fullest" is my New Year's Resolution, but I've changed that resolution to "eat more ice cream," and I just did, so that's that. Also, when I said that, I wasn't referring to things like the 4th of July or Halloween, but rather to obscure less-celebrated holidays, like Arbor Day. Because who doesn't like trees? That's right, no-one. Everyone likes trees, 'cause of shade, and paper.

Anyhow, much like what I imagined your initial reaction would be to the political endorsement I made a few days ago, I feel you might think "I wouldn't necessarily go to Riese for advice on any holiday-related topics." But look how good I did on the Obama thing. I read so much that I even convinced myself. That "ho-hum, la-di-da" I added to the end of my up-'til-then impassioned endorsement was meant to be said in a voice of self-loathing, not in an actual "la-di-da" voice. P.S.

However! Now that I understand how primaries work, I feel like less of an asshat for not registering to vote in the New York primaries -- I always (always=the last two elections for which I've been old enough to vote) vote absentee in Michigan, 'cause it's a swing state, and I can't do primaries here and the general election there, and apparently Michigan had no primaries this year, or something, which makes me feel slightly less guilty than I did on Monday when I realized I'd fallen full-tilt in love with Obama and could do nothing about it besides spout off opinions, as I so often do with political causes of all shapes, sizes, colors and genders.

So ... for those of you who aren't old enough to be irresponsible citizens yet, I speak to you from a place of experience and knowledge: being an irresponsible citizen feels like crap. Don't make the same mistakes I did. I rarely say that, so I must be serious. Usually I endorse my own mistakes, obvs, I'd like you to probs participate in them with me ideally. Register.

So speaking of ... I was speaking of something, right? OMG it's almost Valentine's Day! What are you going to get for your beloved? I'm getting Lozo socks and a tie and a super bowl. I have this theory (cue Juliana Hatfield, Jordan Catalano-style) that the less I feel I know what's going on in my own life (in general, this is totally un V-Day-related), the more I feel comfortable telling other people what to do with theirs. Thus this three-peat streak of blog entries in which I tell y'all what to do.

Obvs the best thing to do for any holiday is to show your special someone that you pay attention to them when they talk and that you care about their likes and dislikes. For example, back in the 90's, we used to make mix tapes. You can't do that anymore, because now they've become iconic as a hipster-memento, over-nostalgia-ized/fetishized and can no longer be given without irony. Also no one has tape players anymore. Well, I do. But I don't know about you kids who were born on the internet, you've got all kinds of things going on, a lot of feelings.

You can make a mix CD though, that's still cool. It helps also to name the tracks on the CD so they don't get lost in Track-13-Ville down at the bottom of your itunes post-import. Also really, you should just make collages with poems on them for everyone you love, everyone! Collages, poems and CDs for everyone, I say! Everyone you love!

So if your girlfriend (or boyfriend, if he's feminine enough to enjoy this list) reads Auto-Win (which's statistically unlikely, as I seem to regularly hear from readers who say their girlfriend doesn't read my blog but they do), they'd probs like a gift that would reflect their deep love for this particular corner of the WWW, which's why I feel I can give you advice.

Thursday Top Eight What to Get For Your Auto-Win/Auto-Straddle Fan For V-Day

8. Vodka

This is an easy one. Even if your girlfriend doesn't want to engage in penetrative activities with the bottle, she'll probs drink it, and drunk girls are easy. JK. I mean, they are -- but the point is -- if you mix vodka with cranberry juice, you can barely taste it. If you mix vodka with tonic, you're one of us. Also if you need to get her drunk in order to inspire loooovee, you should probs break up.

7. A Nice Smell

Nothing can ruin a friendship or budding romance like someone who smells bad. Has anyone ever complemented you on your smell? If the answer is no, then you probs smell bad. I'd like to suggest Burberry Brit and/or Victoria's Secret Very Sexy. Also Tommy Girl is always a classic, though now I'm too old I think to wear it. As for boys, I like Hugo Boss and Burberry, but that's just me. Obviously I'm no longer a boy expert.

6. Peanut Butter Crackers

This is just for those of you who'd like to seduce Carly. As it was explained in this vlog, the way to Carly's heart is via peanut butter crackers. There's a lot of ins and outs to PB crackers. The hands-down tastiest variety are the cheese-and-pb crackers, which I have in bulk. Howevs, the cheese often gets stuck in your teeth, and it's orange, and that's not hot. The Ritz-and-PB crackers, then, are a close second.

5. The L Word Season One on DVD

Some of you may be lucky enough to be lesbians/bisexuals with straight girlfriends. You know, that straight girl that you hang out with all the time -- maybe she's even your roommate -- and you act like she's your girlfriend 'cause you're in denial that she's straight and she kinda wants you to act like that (around certain company), and she enables your denial by making sweet love to you on occasion and flirting with you in public. If you get her Season One of 'The L Word,' she'll probs relate to Jenny, think lesbians are cool and want to be one ... and you can probably do it a few more times before never speaking to each other again. But now's the time, because February can be very cold/lonely, people do crazy things in February. Also some of you are straight men with straight girlfriends who want your girlfriend to consider the pleasures of a threesome, this is also for you, gents.

4. Books

As we're all aware now, I love books. Perhaps you could get your wife a book. I think Valentine's Day is a hot time for books that are somehow sexy. I'd recommend randomized erotica books I've been in, but this post is about procrastinating my actual work by writing a blog post, it's not about selling things. Why would I want to sell things, I'm not a traveling salesman or anything, like Jenny's assistant Adele's father is allegedly.

So, moreso than any explicit erotica, I think there's a lot of contemporary authors who do a good sex scene. They do more than just that, obvs, but when sex comes up, they do it right. Some examples include Maggie Estep's Soft Maniacs or anything by Mary Gaitskill -- if you liked "The Secretary," you oughta know it was based on a short story from Bad Behavior. Also, there's always poetry. You should write a poem, or you can go to poets.org, find a poem, and then copy it and say you wrote it. If you do like straight-up erotica though and you're a homo, bi OR hetero lady, you should check out Cleis, they sell good stuff. Also my hero RKB has edited about 500 erotica anthologies, and Susie Bright is basically the godmother of the whole thing, and therefore, her a-store is a good place to go.

3. Auto-Apparel

Clearly this is what we're coming back around to. We'd really wanted to get the merch out by Christmas, because obvs Auto-Apparel makes a great gift. But we didn't. However, there's been a noticeable increase in orders over the past week and I think it's 'cause of V-Day. So ... since I'm gonna be going to the post office anyhow, why not make it really worth my while --

If you order any auto-apparel or stickers before Valentine's Day, you'll receive a Very Special V-Day Auto-Win CD FREE with your order. You can kinda imagine this is like one of those ads they had on the teevee for loooveee songs, maybe they still sell CDs like that? I dunno, it's probs an imix now. This is sort of like mix tapes, that I talked about earlier. This CD will feature much of the music I talk about here on Auto-Win, with a special emphasis on lurrrveee in all it's many forms.

Anyhow, why should you buy Auto-Apparel right now? Here's why:
a). MUSIC: Because you'll get a new CD. If you don't like songs about good relationships, then email me after placing your order and I can send you a copy of "the fuck you breakup playlist,'" which I made in 2003. Actually, no, I wouldn't do that to you, a girl can only handle so much Fiona Apple. I'd make an updated version, with all new songs on it, but the same title.
b) TZEDAKAH: As you may or may not know, the logo that the ridiculously talented Alex 'Semicolon' Vega used for the Auto-Win/Straddle logo comes from a photograph by Layla Love. In fact, most of the photos I do come from Layla. Right now she's trying to raise money for the treatment of her mother's MS (multiple sclerosis) through the Jenny Love Angel Fund she's created (you can read more about the fund and her fundraising efforts on her blog, here). Anyhow, if you buy auto-gear now, 50% of the proceeds will go to her fund ... and that's the kind of holiday spirit I actually do believe in, regardless of my other Grinch-esque qualities.
c) SEX: Auto-straddle boy briefs are very sexy. They say 'straddle' on the back. You know what I like about other languages, e.g., Spanish & Hebrew (the only languges aside from English I've ever known)? Commands. We don't have "commands" as a tense of verbs like other languages do. If we did, we might have a straddle command.
d) TIMING: Okey-dokey so if you order by Monday or Tuesday, you'll get it before Valentine's Day, unless you live in Europe or Australia, in which case, there's still a chance. Also I don't think you have Valentine's Day over there in Guatemala, do you? I don't know.

1. Ella-Ella-Ella-Ella

Every once in a million years, something really spectacular happens in the world -- stars and galaxies collide, universes burst forth with the fruit of their loins, and children dance in the street in color-coordinated outfits, singing sweet & clever songs towards the clean cloudless sky. OMG speaking of clouds ...

The beautiful song that got me through so many months that would've otherwise been spent in raincloud-esque heartache ... ella ... ella ... ella ....

UMBRELLA. Rhianna. Is peddling UMBRELLAS. Guess where? TOTES. This could quickly become a "who's on first" situation, so let me be perfectly clear: TOTES the company is selling UMBRELLAS by Rhianna who sang the song that I love UMBRELLA. I don't actually think you should buy one -- although they aren't that expensive, probs no better or worse than a normal umbrella (which let's be honest, I'm sure you left someplace the last time it rained) -- I just wanted to tell you about it, because I think it's funny. Because ... well ... I love you! Not like that, but you know what I mean.

Some of Them Want To Use You, Some of Them Want To Get Used By You

The graphic on the left is a timeline of Boys who Have Helped Me Move. As you can see, I've usually had a boy around--be he a boyfriend or a "close friend with a large Jeep who happens to be unemployed and lives across the street" or a "Whatever"--to help me when I move, which happens about every two minutes. Cuz I'm a Ramblin' Man, I'm a Desperado, etc. Also yes I am aware that Tolliver (cited as 'Mover: Ypsitucky 02') only weighs 135 pounds, but the thing about it is that even 135-pound boys (he was 6'4, p.s., so just kinda simmer on that ratio for a while) have something to prove which is that their souls weigh a lot more than 135 pounds and that they are not Wusses. The past few months have been unusually--but intentionally--free of what the grownups call a "steady gentleman caller," and I admit that I have enjoyed a respite from such things as the irrational fear of pregnancy and the magical sensation a woman feels in the morning when the remains of her A.M romp tumble from her cervix as she walks to work. But uh, right now, I could kinda use even an "un-married ex who lives in the tri-state area" or a "good male friend who happens to be unemployed and drives a large Jeep" or really, I mean, probably I would settle for any good male friend who will not be working from 9-5 on the 31st of august. We're not talking like a Melrose Place move or something, this is serious, it's from Williamsburg to Warlem (that's my new word for West Harlem), so like, obviously this situation is problematic. And don't tell me to look on CL for movers. I know. I know all about craigslist and I know all about tree trunks with posters on them too. But they aren't FREE. Or at least, like "just buy me dinner" free. I know that um, as a feminist or whatever, I'm supposed to think that I need men like fish need bicycles, which is funny because I did actually sell my bicycle today which I obviously need less than a man, but I have heavy stuff and men are just stronger than women. That's just how it is. Also I think if I had a really hard core butch lesbian friend, that might be good. I was thinking about that girl at the Lesbo White Party during Pride who told us we were pretty and most lesbians looked like John Goodman. That's what I need. A John Goodman kinda lesbian. This graphical collage of fun contains the biceps of myself, Hav and Lainy. I think the photograph speaks for itself. And also, one time I did move by myself, without any boys or butch ladies. That was when I ended up with a flat tire at 3am on the side of the road with a dead cellphone somewhere in New Jersey and was rescued by a man in a white van (which everyone knows is the vehicle that serial killers use) who said he was an ambassador of Allah, which was awesome because he changed my tire and didn't kill me. But then he called my cell phone about 20 times to see if he could become my gentleman caller once I moved into my NYC apartment. (I tried giving him a fake number but he tested it while I was there so I had to pretend it was a mistake) It's possible that much of this post could be considered un-P.C., but that's fine because I saw this thing on VH1 about how P.C. is over. I am still a feminist and I believe in human rights, religious freedom, and um, equality. Yup. Also "being a spoiled co-dependent asshole" is also Over, and is now considered "being cool." Update: I've hired movers. Which means that these guys are going to move all my shit while Hav and I eat Tasti-D-Lite and watch DirectTV. Any other friends without office jobs are welcome to join the party. We'll be listening to 'S.O.S' and Dolly Parton.

Sunday Top 10: Appearances by Flannel Shirts in Marie's Videos From Middle School

I've been watching so many videos from middle school (book research...seriously!) that it feels like 1993 in here. Except if it was 1993 I'd be paying $2.95 an hour to access the internet via AOL and there would be no blogs, but whatever.

Since I get less and less clever with every passing moment in the sweltering subway station, I'm gonna totally change the whole Sunday Top Ten thing. It's just gonna be like--Top Ten anything. Like this week, in honor of 1992-1995, I've taken some screen shots to compile:

THE TOP TEN APPEARANCES BY FLANNEL SHIRTS IN MARIE'S VIDEOS FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL!

(This wasn't hard, because the flannel-per-capita ratio at Emerson was out of control. we wanted to be Kurt Cobain/Jordan Catalano--even the girls (we all look like Michigan Womyn's Festival toolbelt tent-happy hippies with skater pants)

10. Somehow, flannel shirts were the chosen costume for our lip sync performance to Madonna's fashion-forward anthem "Material Girl." Here Alina (My Best Friend 2) and I perform my choreography, but obviously she's a better voguer than me.


9. Like stripes and patterns but better and with more edge.


8. Best Friend Number One, Becky, being assaulted by me from behind.

7. My Boyfriend, Jordan Catalano, looked really good in flannel.

6. Alina, My Best Friend 2, was the hottest girl in school. Which is why boys sometimes let her wear their flannels. I chose this look because I like how she is mixing her pink outfit with this hideous brown flannel, but it's almost like a style all it's own, right?


5. This is some kind of hippie shit where I must have been learning something.

4. This is what happens to pre-adolescent boys who's parents send them to a 100-student middle school for "gifted and talented" students. It's called overcompensating. The other boys are playing Magic the Gathering.

3. We were wearing togas for some sort of hippie unit on the Greeks. But that doesn't mean that you can't also wear FLANNEL!!!

2. This is Erika and I doing some hippie presentation about some science gravity whatever thing I probably failed anyway. Check out the flannel-overall combo though.

1. This is how I feel when I see Jordan Catalano:*


*Actually, this look immediatly followed my crush object saying "Here's Marie, the other sex machine"!!! LOL REALLY!
** Awwww ... sigh.
**** omg someone come and rescue me e.g., Rhianna ahhhhh
****** Don't you love the way he LEANS?**IN FLANNEL?!

First Sunday Top Ten: It Would Surely Be that Sunday, The Day I Met You

My number-one prophet Angela Chase once said: "There's something about Sunday nights that makes you want to kill yourself." True 'dat.

So...since all my suicide-angst was used up on Kurt Cobain and the hot blonde girls in The Virgin Suicides, I'm gonna like, save some serious lives here with the weekly top ten on Sunday nights! Like Casey Caseum, but I'm cuter than him (usually). Normally I'd watch HBO on Sunday nights, but our Renter, who's clearly a Player-Hater, won't tell us how to find the previous tenants, wherever they're hiding (probably in a jungle, cave, rathole, India, Olive Garden, Duane Reade, etc.) to make them pay Time Warner whatever they owe so we can get some goddamn cable hooked up and never have to work again!

For more tips on what the social elite (e.g., me, my friends, Lindsay Lohan) are doing, please check out Haviland's Pluggin' myspace blog.


TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANNA SHOOP THIS WEEK

10.TASTI-D SEASON
It's totally Tasti-D season, y'all! If you wanna get skinny really fast for swimming-suit-season, start shoving your holes with Tasti-D ASAP. Combined with ciggs and lots of Diet Coke, you can lose 10 pounds in 10 days! If you feel like you're about to die, close your eyes and think about Ally McBeal.

(Sub topic: When I see a dude eating Tasti-d out of a little blue cup with a little pink plastic spoon, I do not wanna be his lover. Um, ew. Get a protein shake or a sugar cone or somethin, Jesus.)
(Sub-sub-topic: Both men and women should get Tasti-d on cones and then lick it. It's HOT.)

9. CHELAINISM
Lainy: I'm like, the next Buddha.
Me: I'm in. I'm totally a Chelainist.

8. JANE DOES RIGHT FOR THE NEW POMOSEXUAL TEEN
I was feelin' dubious about Jane's sex issue, but after suffering through the retro-patriarchal-grossness of Cosmo at the mani-pedi place, I gotta totally give props to Jane. On an entire page of sex tips, they bust out with "your partner" and "your lover" and even a "he or she" (which is the only time they use gender-specific pronouns at all)! I feel your finger on the pulse of our politically progressive generation, Ms. Holley!

7. TASTI GUM
Trident Splash Gum, Strawberry-Kiwi Flavor.

6. JAW PROBLEMS
TMJ. That's what you get for chewing too much gum. But it's HOT. click, click.

5. PRIDE IS IN THE AIR
It's PRIDE MONTH!! It's not PRIDE WEEK yet, but it almost is!

4. OFFICIAL SUMMER JAM: S.O.S.
The official jam of the summer of 06 is S.O.S BY RHIANNA. I can't get enough!

3. THE MOVIE IS BETTER THAN THE BOOK: MERYL STREEP WEARS PRADA
I despised the book The Devil Wears Prada. I'm not even linking to it because I think it's total bunk (mostly because by the end the narrator, who has no character development whatsoever and is supposed to be real but is actually vacant and full of these actually quite machocistic behaviors that are never actually explained, throws away everything--including everyone who loves and cares about her--for an internship without any specific rewards for a magazine she doesn't even like. She's a totally unsympathetic narrator and ... ok fuck, I could rant about Lauren Weisberger all night, let me just say that this book ranks right up there with my Bunkiest Books of All Time with Pure by Rebecca Ray).

But the movie looks totally awesome! I mean, when does that happen? Like, never. I wanna see it real bad!

2. CUSTARD PIE AND FRIED SHRIMP
I was reading my diary from 1998 (I'm writing a book, so I get to research myself a lot) and I saw that I made a list of all my favorite foods--cause that's when I was like, Somalian looking, and always trying to eat all the time to put on weight hopefully in the chestage area. Some of these foods I haven't eaten in a while, so I'd like to mention them:
-Kraft Cheesy Alfredo
-#36 at Zingerman's Deli in Ann Arbor, no swiss, sub mozzarella
-Billy the Kidd Burger at Bennigans
-Mom's Meatloaf at Bill Knapps
-Fried Shrimp
-Mozzarella breadsticks from Ciceros
-Custard pie (what the fuck?!?!!)


1. STEPHEN DUNN, DUH!
So, in honor of the fact that I totally noticed that Lauren is reading Stephen Dunn, and that Natalie's boy got her a Stephen Dunn book, I want to write this Stephen Dunn poem here. Ok, hold up, I'm gonna be serious for like, a paragraph.

A lot of people keep fighting! (Not me though, Baruch Hashem!) Sometimes though you gotta fight, and sometimes you can't make up. But whatevs, just link to More Potato Products, the Blog Behind the Music to read a Stephen Dunn poem called "After the Argument."

Then go buy all his poetry books, and then You, just like Chelain, can start your own religion!