"We were sickened by the old lemon."
Sometimes, life gives you lemons, and sometimes those lemons are disguised as user-friendly web applications like "Zoho Writer." [You can find this app, and then reject it, at Zoho.com]. I can't make lemonade 'cause I'm allergic to citric acid, but, as Jack Spicer wrote: The lemon tree/Could branch off into real magic. Each flower in place. We/Were sickened by the old lemon. Get it? Out with the old lemon, in with the magic, baby.
Magic=getting comments from readers who've never commented before. It makes me feel warm inside, like sticky date pudding, which I ate every day the last time I was in Australia [holla, 3.1% of Auto-Win readers!]. Your comments totally compensated for my pain. Thank you. All of you. The giddiness I experienced upon receiving each new comment is far higher than you'd expect from someone as Cool as me. You can still comment, too. I mean, whatevs. Even you, Haviland.
But first.....a CRAZY LONG TANGENT.
TANGENT BEGINS HERE:
As I buckle down to bust out this masterpiece, I realize that the ratio of Sunshine to Near-Mental-Breakdown on this blog has been skewed lately ... I'm like Billy Corgan, like I'll tear my heart out before I get out, and I don't wanna be just another whiny New York Hipster. I wanna be the BEST WHINER EVER. No, actually though: why is this? Obvs I love self-deprecation more than any other reflexive activities, but I think it's the combination of these two circumstances:
1. A number of stressful events, e.g., moving, being unemployed. And some other things. Buy The Book, all will be revealed.
2. Overcompensation for That Love Thing. To explain this in the most roundabout way possible, many Gawker-Sycophants may be familiar with This is What We Do Now, a seminal voice of the NYC-blogger movement [which means he's already made all the jokes you want to make about the subway, and he did it in like, '04] and a consistent source for Out-Loud Laughter. TIWWDN's post-frequency began declining last autumn, however, and it's author explained it like this:
"No, I'm not dead. Yes, I've been shitty about posting consistently. I know I've been making excuse after excuse, but the fact of the matter is, I simply haven't had the time. Blogging is great when you have (a) time, (b) a lot of time, and (c) a fairly jaded and self-centered world view, which enables relatively minor events to explode into 1,000-word diatribes about how much everyone else besides you sucks. I hate using cliches like "I've changed" or "I've grown up," but the fact of the matter is, I have grown up a lot over the last few months. I haven't lost my sense of humor, but much of my 20-something bitterness has certainly receded to the point where I simply haven't found myself all that irritated about a lot of the minutiae I tended to write about. Even the subway's been (mostly) keeping up its end of the bargain.......TIWDDN may be undergoing some changes, but what can I say? It's pretty fucking hard being jaded and bitter when after 25 years you finally fall absolutely head over heels in love with the most beautiful girl in the entire world."
I remember reading that and thinking: "Wow, what happens if, after 25 years, I fall head over heels in love with the most beautiful girl in the world? Will I still be jaded and bitter and witty? I mean, most of the bloggers I read are single and when I'm single, I don't wanna hear about other's happy-love nests. I'd get jealous/wistful listening to K.C and Elka laugh together on The Planet Cast, you know? Hmmm...I think Carrie Bradshaw once grappled with similar issues...."
And so, perhaps in an edge-keeping effort, I've over-compensated my love-drops by becoming Uber-Bitter/Jaded: musing over apartments I'll never live in, employment I don't deserve, places I've considered escaping to and Sunday Top Tens lost to technology or privacy.
Why? 'Cause it's not cool to be in love anymore, is it? We've gotta rationalize dedication, carefully balance love/life to make it appear effortless, ensure no-one suspects we've "changed"... all results of an actual relationship must be hidden/downplayed ... and I've been on both sides of this coin ... but the truth is: we fall. We love, change, move, evolve, attach, love, love, love.
[Side note: I'm 100% guilty of hypocrisy right now, as my single-behavior towards coupled-friends was consistently less-than-stellar/"decent."]
Okay, I'm gonna stop before I gross people out, myself included. After the OurChart blog, TB and I mutually decided to stop writing happy-love-crap, lest we gross ourselves out. Then she deleted her entire blog, re-started it, and deleted it again. That's un-related to us being in love, but that's a good segue to the Top-Ten topic, as it was one of my instincts when this recent post disappeared. I was like "I'm gonna fake-delete my blog," but that wouldn't really be punishing the people at fault, would it? If I knew for a fact that Ahmad from Zoho.com read my blog, I might've really done it.
So, anyhow, before I start the trek down the Trail of Tears, I'd like to acknowledge that I have: a lovely new apartment, fantastic friends, a girlfriend I'm in love with, X-ray vision, all of my limbs, and about thirty-six dollars. UPDATE: Totes just found a crisp $20 in my jeans pocket! Make that FIFTY-six dollars.
TANGENT OVER. Back to how bitter and pissed I am.
"Waaaaa x 1,0000."
TUESDAY TOP TEN: POTENTIAL REACTIONS TO THE LOSS OF ONE'S SUNDAY TOP TEN, DUE TO THE RELENTLESS FALLIBILITY OF "TECHNOLOGY."
9. Call Significant Other, Moan:
Side note: TB's got the best memory ever. As in; she remembers everything I've ever said or written, and can recite poems she memorized years ago. She's memorized entire books. She could probably re-write her blog word-for-word from memory. Which is why I love her, envy her, and must always be careful with my words, as I'm certain I'll be reading them again one day, and cringing in pain.
8. Pick Up a Destructive and All-Consuming Habit:
7. Re-Write...BUT BETTER THIS TIME
6. Get A Little Perspective
Also, as Ingrid points out: "I would guess that being an African woman forced to strip down naked for photographs to be published in 19th century Anthro-porno-gynecological medical books, books that would be perused (and probably jerked off to) by Picasso as source material for paintings that have come to symbolize modernity would have been worse than software breakdowns." She also notes: "This isn't meant to take away from your pain; it's all relative! Love you!" Aw, love you too!!
5. Call the Zoho Writer People...
4. Then Attack their "Bug" Forums and All Other Possible Avenues For Help...
3. Comfort Oneself With The Electronic Tragedies of Others:
-Crystal was tour-managing a band about to start a big USA Stadium tour when her computer, holding "every single lighting/sound FX" for 28 concerts, "itinerary, budget" and "everything else [she needs] in life," fell down five flights of stairs at the concert venue in L.A.. Just thinking about that makes me want to cry and do cocaine.
[Speaking of dropping computers, once I gave my old Mac Powerbook to my then-boyfriend for free, 'cause I loved him, and then a few months later I took it to install more memory for him, which I obvs was gonna pay for, and when I turned it on there was this folder labeled with a girl's name, and it turned out he'd let his Secret Other-Girlfriend use the computer to write him declarations of love. So then, instead of getting it upgraded, I drove to his house and threw it at him. It landed on the sidewalk. And survived. Just like we did, for some time. Hmm. MACS CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING, EVEN LYING AND CHEATING!! Dear MacBook, I love you and don't think this is your fault. It's not.]
-Natalie, in a story unrelated to the one related in "7," lost her master's thesis via faulty USB drive. The moral of this story is don't go to graduate school.
-Laura went out for a drink and when she got back her dissertation was gone. That happened to me once with my wife.
-Katie's senior design paper was on the school network when it crashed, and once she spent all afternoon watching free fetish porn and forgot to erase her internet history. I made up that last part, but it's based on implied truth.
-Razia took a class called "Accounting, Reports and Decisions," though, as I immediately thought and she immediately noted: "I should've killed myself when I read the unit title," and she screwed up this huge assignment because dates were switched up 'cause it was an American computer program and she lives in Australia. Which goes to show that America has ruined everything, e.g., Iraq, Accounting, computers. [side note: not that Iraq was exactly boomin' with joy before, but whatevs...what is "before," you know? I mean...]
-Moonkiller's PC got burnt in a fire. I can't really make any jokes about that, since it's my greatest fear. Seriously, I've written really bad poetry about it, that's how much I'm scared of my laptop catching on fire.
-AK's "laptop is so hot right now that [she's] propping it up on an ice pack, so it doesn't burn a hole in my desk. And [she's] going to have to take it in because if [she] presses too hard on the left side of the keyboard it will go into sleep mode." That comment made me LOL . And also, worry! Make sure that ice doesn't leak!!! Water will ruin everything, I did that once, spilled water over my brand-new laptop [the old one'd just crashed], and it cost $600 to fix. At least it got fixed. That's one of 10,000 reasons that Visa loves me.
-Laia, who was lonely and sad in a new city, dropped a latte on the keyboard of her laptop. She totally summoned 1984 by noting that this happened on "a cold morning of December." She then vowed never to have a liquid near her computer again. I did that too. Obvs I've got three liquids within arm's reach right now.
-Peter's laptop is a piece of shit and he misses Natalie's MacBook. I hate it when you've grown dependent on someone else's computer. Happened to me, obvs.
-Lynn's printer only communicates with her in Spanish. Mine only prints three pages at a time, then I have to turn it off and back on again and re-start the printing process. It's really weird, and somehow embarrassing if other people witness our routine. By "our" I mean myself and the printer.
2. Comfort Oneself with The General Tragedies of Others:
-Jessica is involved in some scholarly activities related to "patent prosecution" and "constitutional law." All I have to say is, I wish Site-Meter tracked not only location of readers, but grad school enrollment. Seriously, y'all students are totes bored. You should drop out and work at Duane Reade, today they only had one register open and I was trying to buy cigarettes for my girlfriend. And Junior Mints. Yummy.
-The Spaz's girlfriend dumped her yesterday to re-unite with her ex-boyfriend. That blows. I mean: A LOT. I'm sorry. You should throw a laptop at her. That's what I'd do. Keep the toaster. Toast your ex's heart.
-A lot of y'all have papers to write and you're reading this instead. You should stop writing your paper because it'll probably get erased anyhow. Just read my blog, then give me the money you woulda spent on school.
-Viennagirl doesn't think she's ever gonna be a rockstar, which's a hard realization....but to that I say: Don't stop believin', little wing! Don't give up the dream! Not now, not ever! Once Ingrid sent me a birthday card that said "Hello, my favorite next top model!" and I bet she'd send you one just like that if she knew you, and then you'd be Our Top Model.
-Most amazing story EVER, from "Anon": "i've actually had several proper mental breakdowns in the past year. more fun than sars and aids combined. like you wouldn't believe. i was having a pretty damn good sleep this morning too and the jerk-off neighbours always fuck that up for me. it's always something, because they're renovating. today it's dragging their one million tonne shipping container (i know, wtf) onto the back of a fucking truck, and yelling about it the whole time. not just 'yeah, good mate' but 'YEAH THAT SHOULD BE RIGHT MATE YEAH ORRIGHT GOOD ON YA YEAH SWEET'. I'm from Australia, obviously. It's 7 in the morning. I WANT AT LEAST ONE MORE FUCKING HOUR. I'm drinking decaf coffee because I'm such a neurotic that I can't drink proper stuff."
-And another amazing story, from pike-a-dilly, who claims he's never had computer problems with his PC...: "When i was a lil kid learnin to ride a ike, i didt have a bike to be learnin' on. So i was-a-learnin' how to ride on some other kids bike i knew. His bike was pretty beat up and the handle bar was pushing out through the handle-grip. The handle bars are basicaly fucking steel pipes with sharp round edges. while learning, the handle bars turned on me, and i fell onto the exposed one and basically was impaled. It went into my side making a nice round gaping cut."
-Cameron, who I've always credited with consuming more food than any other woman I've known, just learned she's got a thyroid disease and "the doctors say I will steadily gain weight until September, when I have to wear a tight white dress and get married."
-Rachel reports that someone's been stealing her hair products, and someone stole Angelo's $260 cutting shears. So whoever stole 'em, please return them to Rachel in Alaska at Trend Setters.
P.S. This made me laugh...
"Like right now, the word verification thing won't let me upload the comment...i better copy it." -::S
...because I do that, too. I open the "text-edit" app just to retain the pasted comments that I feel have run on long enough that they could be erased at any moment.
I started reading the dead-dog story to TB over the phone, but she said she'd heard this story before. Then, Laurrita noted in the comments that she intended to relay the same hilarious saga but saw it'd already been told. I find this very mysterious. Someone get to the bottom of this. Is it a popular story? And if so, are you, M, friends with the source material, and therefore practically a famous person? Anyone? Bueller?