Are You There Blog? It's Me, Autowin!

+ We had a team meeting tonight. Like a real one where real things happened!

+ For most of last year I'd wake up and for the first hour of every morning it'd be this game of detective trying to figure out what I'd done the last hour of the night before. What I'd written (the typos! what a laugh! how silly I was!) and to whom. Glasses and ashes and lots of open tabs.

It was like the opposite of laying your clothes out the night before school. I talked a lot about purpose but I felt powerless as a concubine; still but swimming furiously. I think those were all things I needed to go through but I'm still not sure exactly what I was doing. You start doing something and then you just keep doing it. Suddenly; then constantly. It kept me safe in a way because I had secrets I had to keep, there was no question.

+ Sometimes I caught myself mattering

+ Sometimes it comes back. One thing will feel wrong and the darkness unfurls enthusiastically from my chest and stomach, like an airy familiar evil pressing out against my skin and brain. It's a fear of losing things that I truly like and love and things that I feel are good for me, which is a different kind of fear than the fear of losing something you love desperately and absolutely despite how clearly rotten it is most of the time.

+ That happens less and less now but when it happens it's not just the fear, but the fear of more fear.

+ I don't want to be the girl who cried let's change the world but I feel whole right now, and solid. No one is crying here, no lies, just love, I mean it, I love it. I love life so much that I want you all to love it too, for all your right reasons.

+ Besides that fear I mentioned before, the crippling panic demanding attention like a child crying in public. Then it passes, like everything does. Sometimes I have fear about money and that's a new panic, like an itchy panic. I try to push it out of my brain.

+ We have this little temporary castle in the sky for another week or so where we can have meetings for Team Autostraddle. It was sweet tonight to talk to Laneia on the speakerphone and talk in real human voices. We talked to our programmer Tess on the phone a few weeks ago which was also awesome. It's been sweet to do things like eat pizza and talk about our dreams. We have like twelve interns which is awesome, and two came over tonight, so it was me, A;ex, Stef, Brooke, Robin, Carlytron, Tinkerbell who I put in the washing machine so now she is really clean and fresh-smelling, and Haviland!! and Intern X and Intern Jessica. If Crystal had been there/in our time zone that would've been perfect obvs.


+ A few weeks ago we had an interview rescheduled but Robin was already in the city and wanted to shoot something and so she was like, let's go to Brooke's, and so I was like, okay, and then A;ex and Carly came too, and it was fun! I look super serious! See:

+

+ Anyhow then we got to interview Julie Goldman last Sunday which was awesome awesome -- Robin took photos and Alex video'ed and I asked questions. Also two weeks ago Laneia and I started a feature we're doing about lesbian YA novels which I really love a lot. Also we did a Hot 100 and it was funny.

+ That's all. Just checking in! Hi guys! I just wrote "High guys!" I'm not high. If I was high I'd have a lot more metaphors.

Friday Autofunday 2-27-2009

Autoportrait 2.0 is in the works. Meanwhile, let's have some cheap sharp fun. What kind of fun? Auto-fun. Everyone likes fun, if you don't like fun then next time we wanna have massive amounts of kickass fun, we won't invite you. This isn't fun so far? Well I'm listening to the Classical Masterpieces Channel on Time Warner Cable. These channels are TW's hidden gift. What if I was like, bought out by someone you knew I hated and I had to promote them all the time. If one day I woke up and was like "Top Ten Ideas for Max's Baby Shower (so excitant for Season Six)!!!"

Firstly some bizness. I've decided to change the book club book because I realize I'll never read our current selection because it is too heavy to carry in my bag and I can't afford to give one away and I like to give one away and have a contest. So I picked another book. Because I want to read it and hopefully you will want to read it too? Susan Sontag's journals, Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963. Okays. I'll give you lots of time 'cause I just started The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. I'll talk more about Reborn in the next "Stuff I've Been Reading." Don't be mad promise.

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Quote: "My eyes are vague blue, like the sky, and change all the time; they are indiscriminate but fleeting, entirely specific and disloyal, so that no one trusts me. I am always looking away. Or again at something after it has given me up. It makes me restless and that makes me unhappy, but I cannot keep them still." (from Frank O'Hara's "Meditations on an Emergency" from poetry magazine via achtung baby !)

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Links:
[let me just say these are real gems.]
- I am so excited to bring you the auto-fun today, I'm doing it so I can make you read this article in The New York Times about living with monkeys !
- Tao Lin, my financial idol, shares his secrets at UrbanElitist . E.g., "I have had part-time jobs almost continuously since college (I am 25), I think, except for maybe one year when I shoplifted batteries and Moleskine journals to sell on eBay ... since [selling my next novel's royalties] my money has come from selling pre-orders and lifetime subscriptions to books ... Christmas and Chinese New Year’s money from my parents and brother; and selling drawings, drafts of things, and various “piles of shit” from my room on eBay."
- AM Homes has a new short story at The New Yorker: "Brother on Sunday. "
- Emily Gould has a dysfunctional relationship with her old laptop. MIT's Sherry Turkle has "spent several decades studying and writing about the way mechanical objects construct and complete the self." This is really interesting stuff, you must read it. It even quotes a Meghan Daum essay I once used to teach middle school kids in rural Northern Michigan to write personal essays. The Technology Review.
- Firstly - there is a magazine called Obit. Secondly, read this: Laughing Past the Grave .
- The Unrecognizable Internet of 1996 at Slate: "People still refer to the new medium by its full name—the World Wide Web—and although you sometimes find interesting stuff here, you're constantly struck by how little there is to do. You rarely linger on the Web; your computer takes about 30 seconds to load each page, and, hey, you're paying for the Internet by the hour. Plus, you're tying up the phone line. Ten minutes after you log in, you shut down your modem. You've got other things to do—after all, a new episode of Seinfeld is on."
- Leonardo da Vinci was a serious procrastinator too .
- NPR's intriguing essay on "the art of language, Obama style ."
- This is the part where it officially becomes cool. I think it's the counter-backlash. Yoko Ono's 25 Things .

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Last week I became briefly addicted to hunting for celebrity photographs. I have no idea why, this has never been a thing that interested me before, nor could I refer to this compulsion as anything resembling "interesting." I was not being intellectually or creatively stimulated, I was not interacting with other people, I was not learning anything, or accomplishing any of my daily or life goals. Yet. One more page. One more ELLEN PAGE! Anyhow way too late in the game I discovered fanpop which incited a whole new round of gazing at celebrity photos when I had other things to do.

I've been off the sauce for four days now, I'm going to go back to Trivia Machine as my insomnia obsession. Like if I was advertising an insomnia obsession I'd say: "You know those things you do when your brain's too quick for sleep and too slow to be awake?" So. I have some holdovers from Autowin Surrenders week obsession that I will share with you, and therefore I'll feel accomplished and therefore not feel guilty anymore. See how we help each other?

"Here, let me help you, then you me, otherwise we'll die." (Stephen Dunn)

Shanyn Sossamon Good Tie Thursday
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Shanyn Sossamon -Whoodie Wednesday
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Nelly Furtado - Good Tie Thursday
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Liv Tyler - Boyshorts Tuesday
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Drew Barrymore - Finnneeee Friday
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Ellen Page - Whoodie Wednesday
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Angelina Jolie Saturday & Sunday
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My favorite hoodie of all time - Shane for Whoodie Wednesday Wax
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DJ Carlytron for Good Tie Tuesday
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TTYS!

Tuesday Top 25 MeMeMeMeMe

I've got this blog where I've been talking pretty consistently about myself since April of 2006. There's very little I haven't said. So when everyone and their mother and a bag of chips tags me with this "25 Random Facts About Mememememe" meme on Facebook [which, at this point, has already gone from new to neat! to "played out" to publicly despised/spat at to RETRO ... and I dig retro] I think to myself, wtf has Mary Marie Reise Riese Lyn Bernard not already said?

This is IMPOSSIBLE. It took me 25 hours to come up with this stuff. Sorry I've been such a bad blogger, I've seriously been kinda out of my mind trying to do a million web-things at once, do the L Word stuff, and still attempt to pay rent every month somehow, sleep, and yell at my friends. The L Word Recap Episode 603 is HERE though!

I've written so many g-dforsaken words here! It's insane! I should just print it out, collate a coursepack ("Introduction to Generation IDK/WTF 101") and run away to the hinterlands to live off the fruit of the land & sea.

So, as I ponder these 25 unsaid things, Newsflash! Nominations for The Lezzies open today (Feb 2nd --> Feb 9th) and this year they've expanded into 8 categories and adopted a new voting system. Last year you may remember I came in second place for Best Lesbian Blog of 2007 and Dorothy Snarker beat my ass for first.

I promised you I wouldn't yell at you to vote for me for anything ever again, I'm just giving you this information and you can do with it whatever you like ... To nominate and vote please visit http://thelesbianlifestyle.com.

Best Lesbian Blogs in the Following Categories: Culture/Entertainment (autostraddle?), Humor, Parenting/Wedding, Feminism/Political, Personal (cough*me*), 50 and Over, Gender Bender, Sex/Erotica Blog, Overall Lesbian Blog of the Year.

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Things I leave out are usually: 1. secrets, 2.mundane, boring details, 3. things I haven't figured out/thought yet, or 4.arbitrarily private. So. This leaves a lot of room for detail -- like picking random days and figuring out what I did that day.

25 Fun Little Random Things I Haven't Already Mentioned on this Blog

update 2:02 AM.
25. my roommate/BFF/"live-in partner" Natalie says: "Bernie [that's what she calls me] has the softest skin of anyone in the world. I've never felt anything like it on human flesh. I mean I think some fabrics might be that soft, but not on human flesh."

24. On my bed right now: Tinkerbell, Ryan (he's a stuffed dog), a gray scarf, TV remote control, my Blackberry, a Pilot very fine point clickie pen, Caitlin's book, BUST magazine, a water bottle, a paper towel, an envelope of stickers and construction paper, a pair of scissors, double-sided tape, a photocopy of a Stephen Dunn essay, my computer and a Pinkberry lid.

23. When a friend or significant other gets me coffee and puts sugar in it, I completely freak out and turn into a raving lunatic. The logic behind this is that if they don't know by now not to put sugar in my coffee then THEY! WILL! NEVER! KNOW ME! And it actually happens all the time, so you can easily deduce that I hate almost everyone.

update 10:39 A.M.
22. Back in '02, I'd beg all my MacGrill coworkers to give me their Friday night shift (I didn't have the seniority yet to get scheduled Friday nights) week after week -- sometimes even calling everyone to ask if they'd like the night off -- saying that I desperately needed the money. I did, but not desperately. But I knew, desperately, that if I was on campus on Friday night, everyone would see what a loser I was with no-place to go & no friends. But! If I was WORKING then I wouldn't feel totally socially awkward & self-loathing.

21. It was April, I think, 2006, when two cops were at the door with badges. After a lot of back-and-forth, I told them I'd seen a lot of Law & Order and they couldn't search the place without a warrant and that is how I did not lose any part of my life that day.

20. The John Mayer song "Comfortable" still makes me cry.

19. A year ago on February 1st I (according to my gmail archives): was writing my first "Stuff I've Been Reading," Tara spent the night, Krista was emailing me lots of stuff about Obama, Haviland sent me an email saying any time I wanted to talk she would talk and I didn't write her back, Stef emailed us the SXSW lineup, Crystal was returning to Sydney from vaycay, Caitlin & I were making plans for brunch w/Tara and computer-purchasing and Caitlin/Haviland/Alex and I were all reply-alling about watching the next episode of The L Word, which turned out, surprisingly enough, to suck.

update: 11:05 am

18. All shoes give me blisters. Yup, all of 'em. Even after wearing the same Doc marten boots for three years, I must wrap my feet in moleskin first.

17. I get really offended when I gift someone a Stephen Dunn book and they don't read it straight away/ever. It's poems, how hard is it to just read the poems?

16. I wear eyeliner because when I'm not wearing eyeliner I look in the mirror and see my Dad.

15. I love America's Most Wanted (the teevee show).

update - 3:21 pm

14. If I could do only one thing for the rest of my life, it would be "play trivia games."

update- 4:38 pm

13. Inspired by the teevee show Friends (this is 1995 I'm talking about) my friend Kristyna and I started frequenting a short-lived coffee shop called "Not Another Cafe" (on South U in Ann Arbor), declaring it our "official hangout," and went there after school 3-4 days a week determined to train ourselves to like the taste of coffee. I started with mochas, then vanilla lattes, and by high school I was a full-fledged coffee addict. I started also taking Vivran (caffiene pills) in '98, overdosed and freaked out that December, and swore off caffeine for the next eight months.

Since going back to coffee in September of '99, I have not gone even one day without it.

update. 4:45 pm
12. My longest iChat of all time was about twelve consecutive hours with Carlytron in June '07, before we started really even writing Living it Out. Obvs Team Rebound was also Team Super-Cool and Super-Unemployed.

11. Never before and never since have I been as happy as I was during my senior year of high school. Those were the best days of my life. Except! On the Rosie Cruise. I'm generally that happy on the Rosie Cruise. Clearly I need to be ostracized from society to be happy.

10. Though I tend to think of myself as categorically too insecure to ever go for it, evidence would suggest that when it all comes down to it -- physically, I do make the first move. I think this is more reflective of impulsive curiosity & impatience than it is of bravery. It's that moment when I think "why not?" and "let's just see what happens."

5:11 pm

9. This is the first thing I ever published online and there's a grammatical error in the TITLE! ach! "Goin' to Work: Why Detroit Loves it's championship Pistons and still won't take Jimmy Kimmel's 'joke.'" I think that site is defunct now.

5:57 pm

8. Unless you're actually legitimately poor/broke [like literally & actually, not just in your head or "considering the big picture], I find stinginess to be a big turn-off, no matter how practical it may be. I realize this is a bad attitude but it's just how I feel ... furthermore I could never fall in love with a bad tipper, furthermore I always overtip, furthermore I am poor.

7. In vlogs, the reason I'm always looking at myself/the screen and avoid turning towards Haviland or whomevs even when they're talking to me is because I hate the way my face looks in profile. I prefer the way my face looks with sunglasses!

6. My Mom promised me $800 upon high school graduation if I managed to make it through without ever drinking or doing drugs. So I didn't, even though all my friends started abandoning DARE principles in 8th grade ... then one night mid-sophomore year I was sleeping over at my friend Lorn's house I had a really bad allergic reaction to her cats, therefore came home the next morning a total mess & passed out on the couch, and my Mom was convinced I had a hangover, was lying about the cats, and I'd broken the pact. But I didn't! So the next week when Lorn was like, "Marie, it's just money, is money more important than having a good high school experience?" I was like, "you are right. Give me some gin rightnow." And so it goes.

update 9:15 pm

5. Natalie suggested I mention that I won't talk about anything involving p**p and freak out when other people want to talk about it. I can't put in the letters there 'cause I don't like to talk about that stuff. I think Lozo has mentioned this about me before though. Right?

4. When I make lists like the "best of" sidebar on autowin I also have a list in my head of my favorite posts I wrote sober [no on 8, dear dad, this girl called automatic weirdo ] my favorite posts I wrote entirely or mostly drunk [tuesday top nothing, if i gave you my number] , and my favorite posts I wrote entirely or mostly on drugs of some kind [we don't want to sleep tonight, live through this, i can't forget what you've forgotten, I Get So City Girl on You] and my favorite post that I wrote drunk and celebrate not for its goodness but for how seriously drunk I was when I wrote it - I Could NEVER Live Here.

3. I'm not telling you "4" to share a random fact about myself for the 25 facts about me meme. I am writing it to disappoint you.

2. Multiple intimate sources have suggested that for someone who allegedly hates to talk on the phone, I'm pretty good at talking on the phone.

1. Spiral-bound, Strathmore Drawing pads, size medium.

Monday Sunday Top Ten: The Butterflies & B-Side Weirdos of 2008

I know a lot of weirdos. It was hard to pick just ten. But I had to, and I did, and now I'm left with the remainders bouncing around in my head. As mentioned a few days ago, my head is already at maximum capacity and I must clear it out to make room for the 200 books on my Amazon Wishlist that I'm sure my Mom'll be getting me for Hannukah. Therefore today I will present you with peoples 20 through 11 on the Top 10 Weirdos List.

Also just speaking of holiday gifts, etc., if you ever wanna know what day it is, you should get a Hot Blogger Calendar . Honestly, I'm just throwing it out there. If you don't catch it, no whining. Also. No pudding. Speaking of whining, I've been doing just that on the couch for about ten hours due to massive headache, which I suspect was inspired by: a) Riddex, b) a wrath/hex of some sort, c) aforementioned full-capacity headspace, d) the internet, which is changing how our brains and eyes work. Anyhow Natalie rubbed my head and made me dinner, so I'm a happy[er] camper now. Just in time for my 3 AM bed-time!

Weirdos 10 --> 20 ... Top Ten ALMOST Top Ten Weirdos of 2008

20. Tegan & Sara

Sara: The biggest bra just got thrown on stage and you didn't notice!
Tegan: Bras are super expensive! Who threw this? Is this actually one of your bras? You're wearing a bra? You brought this one with you? I love the line of thinking -- I am going to the Tegan & Sara concert and I am going to bring an old bra with me.
Sara: You know there's a recession, right? You might need that. You might need to turn that bra into a bed.
That's the only house you'll have, you'll have 2 sticks and bra and you'll be fastening that shit together to make a house.
(video)

Most musicians express some kind of weirdo-ness in their music, but Tegan & Sara are 24-7 art/life weirdos. It's this legendary banter that makes their live shows so unforgettable and endears homos & allies worldwide to feel T&S truly understands their self-deprecating, eager-to-please and wittily wry souls. Also, at a November '07 T&S show, I got so excited that they were playing "Living Room" just like Carly wanted that I jumped off a table and tackled Carly to the ground, football-style. Everyone says I almost killed her, but I didn't, I'm not a killer.

Anyhow, T&S master the random pre-song asides and, in the mean-time in-between time, enjoy making sing-a-long videos with a puppet named Rufus and hosting "Lost Forest Fones," a video series (available on their incredible You Tube Channel) where they pretend to be lost in the woods, making phone calls. Yup.
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19. Tinkerbell

"I Want a Vodka-Tonic."
(Tinkerbell)

This was a big year for Tink. She got born in MIAMI FLORIDA BABY, fell in love, became a superstar, started a myspace page, had many vodka-tonics, was lovingly manhandled by Leisha & Cam, switched outfits several times, removed her strap, starred in several vlogs and lost about 50% of her body weight. Tinkerbell got "wings" from a flight attendant on American Airlines, traveled to Los Angeles, Austin, Philadelphia, Canada, Washington DC and New Jersey, took her photo with a [wax sculpture of] Barack Obama, attended the NewNowNext awards (where she was mandhandled by Michelle Paradise, Ari Gold, Maeve Quindlan, The Dazzle Dancers, Heloise & The Savior Faire, etc.) and even debuted on AfterEllen. It's only fitting that Tinkerbell should have a button in her honour. Hopefully by the end of business day on Monday, we'll have more info on this exciting prospect.

Tinkerbell Pretty Party!




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18. Crystal

"I think her heart's into me, but her brain is telling her to move right along. I think that right there is my 'type.'"
(Crystal)

Over the course of 2008, Crystal has started and consequently deleted her entire blog approximately 50 times. She's much better at letting go of old things than I'll ever be, as evidenced by her shrug-it-off reaction to her house being broken into earlier this year. I bring this up only 'cause you have to be a serious weirdo to be robbed by total weirdos: "They took all my Gibsons, but not my crappy fender guitar ... my Wii, but not my Playstation ... my Palahniuk, but not my Ellis ... my PC-laptops, but not my Macbook ... they've either got a die-hard brand loyalty and don't make exceptions for looting, or they just couldn't carry everything ... thankfully, they didn't take my Newfound Glory t-shirts."
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17. Carlytron

"I came out to my grandma on her death bed. Literally I came out to her and she died eight minutes later."
(Carlytron)

Carly is Tina Fey weird, Cool Weird, Wes Anderson (pre-backlash) Weird. You know those American Express ads where Wes Anderson's expenses are itemized? Carly will be in an ad like that one day. Items will include large plastic sunglasses and tiny toy robots. Also she'll do a "weirdo-chic" magazine layout in Teen Vogue. I don't know where to begin or what to mention w/r/t Carly.

I think I overlooked Carly on the initial list because, much like memememe, Carly doesn't try to hide her weirdo-ness, aside from using the word "AWESOME" for "weird," which made it almost too obvious. You'd notice within 10 minutes, if you met her, that she's a weirdo.

As I may've mentioned last year, Carly & I have a lot in common (but it's also one of those things where although we're the same exact person in 500 bizarre ways, our base personalities are actually radically different, though this was less obvious when we first met, 'cause at that time our Base Personalities were both similarly overpowered by "Totes Numb Brick Wall/Team Hot Mess," which is sort of the Personality Trump Card).

What's really weird about Carly is that although she: wears impeccably organized outfits with matching socks, has a very detail-oriented nature, is fond of/often counting things and keeps her room also perfectly decorated and clean, but still also totally cool ... her handwriting is even worse than mine. People say I have serial killer handwriting but compared to Carly I think the worst crime my handwriting could commit would be possession of marijuana.

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16. The Pinkberry People

"Hi! WELCOME TO PINKBERRY!"
(everyone at Pinkberry)

The employees at frozen yogurt fantasy emporium Pinkberry are alarmingly cheery. I mean, I know they train the kids at McDonald's to be smiling constantly and somehow that trickles down from the higher-ups to the workers on the floor as a kind of customer service that verges on abusive/"hostile."

So you'd think there'd be at least a slight detraction from the Pinkberry Happiness Ethos -- maybe someone has a bad day, maybe someone's not that kind of cheesy person, maybe someone questions the logic behind requiring names on everyone's yogurt on a slow afternoon -- but no. There isn't. Everyone is in tip-top shape, everyone, all of them, every day, constantly, like Stepford Cashiers.

I always say my name is 'Alex' or 'Kate.' There's no hard syllables in any of my actual names, and then they'll yell Mary or a Grace or Alice and there'll be some big misunderstanding so I just use an easier name.

For some reason it really gets my goat when it's empty and they still ask. I do this thing where I look around the whole room first, just to see if we can share a moment of confusion together, and, having failed, relent and give them someone else's name, so that I'll know it's mine.

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15. Lozo


"The correct answer is spooning, with me as the little spoon."
(Lozo)

In March or something like that, we're at a hotel party on Central Park South. Lesbians in mini-skirts abounded as well as Caitlin and I not in mini-skirts. Natalie was there. Alcohol and more. I told Lozo to stop by and he did many hours later, drunkity drunk drunk. 'Cause Lozo says he's gonna come but never does, I didn't think he would, but he did, he walked into the room silently and upon surveying the scene, triumphantly thrust both arms in the air like a rock star arriving on stage for his groupies. Lozo has arrived. Later he passed out on the bed I was supposed to sleep on, so I had to beat him up to make him wake up. He said I broke his shoulder and I said it looked nice to me. In the morning he was gone like Santa Claus.

The next day he emailed me to ask why lesbians date women who look like men. Who knows where these thoughts come from. They Just Appear.

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14. KC & Elka

Elka: You're dead to me. Okay, you're back alive to me.
KC: Gross. You resuscitated me emotionally.
Elka: You're a zombie to me now.
KC: I wanna be a vampire.

KC & Elka host The Planet Podcast, a podcast for people who barely tolerate The L Word but watch it because there are no other lesbians on TV. I work in the same genre, so. They even hosted a weirdo convention in Albuquerque this summer, where weirdos from all around the world came to march with a Unicorn float and flash their boobs. That's serious dedication, also evidence of superior humors w/r/t Kelka themselves. Because I'm so cool, it's pretty hard to make a joke that'll really knock my socks off, but these girls make like ten jokes an hour that knock my socks and shoes off. If you don't listen to the podcast I really don't know what to tell you.

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13. David Foster Wallace.

"You'll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do."
(David Foster Wallace)

I was talking the other day. About how I think too much. And how DFW thought too much too. Obvs he's 5 billion times smarter and better than I'll ever be, but I related to the trains of his thoughts. I find this, most of the time, somewhat frightening. It made me genuinely devastated to hear he'd killed himself this year, and I'm not one to generally be affected by deaths of people I didn't know personally face-to-face. But it's different with a writer, it means they'll write no more books or articles. I don't know, it just wasn't something I thought I could write about without sounding trite, but I care, and it's really fucking depressing, the death of this weirdo.

But he was footnote kickass weirdo.
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12. Eric Mathew

"seriously had 6 martimis plus 2 cosomos ...
i am totes a socialite; ... why am I commenting? anyway ms. thang you hang tight.
as we say over at wicked... tell them how i am defyongz ravity... omg idina is nuts...
of ocurse gay and drunk would talk about idina."
(eric mathew)

Eric Mathew takes the non-sequitor comment to a whole new level, beyond anything Haviland '07 ever came close to pulling off. E.g., the above comment, on 'Stuff I've Been Reading: June/July" Also, watch his vlogs, he's a total weirdo.

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11. A Moment For All Of the People Who Could Not Be With Us Today

I'd like to give a brief shout-out to everyone I'd like to include on this list but, for one reason or another, cannot: LK (don't wanna start a riot), Devon the drug dealer (drug dealer? how would I even know a drug dealer?), B. (forbidden), my Mother (wouldn't be amused), my ex-roommate Ryan (obvs), Caitlin's sister (policy of observing but not particpating in the interwebs), Julia Allison (doesn't need more attention), Britney Spears (cannot write less than 500 words on this issue), several subjects from Intervention (seemed cruel), Nick Denton (it's important that I kiss his ass, if I ever get the chance to), katlitter (she wouldn't read it anyhow), Tao Lin (if he googled himself and found it, might make fun of me), the other girls on Julia Allison's website (shouldn't feed the animals), the girl who did that Uh Huh Her video in Wales (I might sound condescending), etc.

Anyhow it's tricky to write about other people. One ought to ask permission but one does not. It's like a barely cold body of water, you sort of have to just throw people into it and trust they'll discover it's not so bad, but if you ask them ahead of time, they'll probs play it safe and say no, I mean what does it matter one way or another to them. That being said, it took me several hours to find a quote from Crystal that didn't either include or reference private information of mine or hers.

Chances are, if you're still reading this, you're a weirdo. It's okay. I used to date Jesus, s/he told me the weirdos shall inherit the earth. Or maybe I just made that up.

In any event I have it on lockdown.

Obvs I Cannot Leave the Apartment Again Until December at the earliest

So many things happening! Firstly, Carly's interview with Tinkerbell's favorite band Uh Huh Her is on Logo's NewNowNextMusic, watch it! Secondly, anyone who read Autowin back in the day may remember Rambo, my go-to het before [I stopped working at the lit agency and became an underperforming client of the agency instead and] Lozo came into my life. Rambo -- "Stephen" if you're nasty -- does Publishers Weekly's Soapbox this week and he mentions the Query Letter Drinking Game that Cameron and I wrote, and that makes me happy. Read it!

Thirdly, BIG weekend for me w/r/t leaving the apartment.

1) The Sex Blogger Calendar Release Party ! [photo of A;ex and I at the party, left, from calendar photographer Stacie Joy ]

I hear a lot of fun things happened at this party. Photographs suggest strippers, snacks, signings, and general revelry. I remember having a conversation with the good ppl from njoy.com -- they sponsored our calendar and sell a variety of delightful sexual toys on their superhot website -- and that they very gamely entertained my attempts at self-deprecation when I told them that although I hadn't yet plugged them and their fabulousness yet, I totally would, but that they shouldn't stress 'cause all my readers are poor and don't like sex. See, I thought that was funny at the time.

As I've mentioned about 500 times, I'm not exactly "outgoing," so when you combine my personality with "very very drunk" and "my BFF from Los Angeles just flew in yesterday and is here!" and even a guest appearance by LOZO and one of the random Jewish boys he carts around with him -- I apparently managed to ensconse myself into my own little world so thoroughly that the only person who asked me to sign their calendar is also in the calendar.

Maybe I was not recognized sans wig. Maybe I radiate hostility. You never know! When she asked me, I think I said something retarded about myself, like "that's not me," or 'I'm a virgin," or ... really it's all a big blur in my head 'til the part when we were at a diner w/Haviland, A;ex and A;ex's friend Colleen eating grilled cheese and french fries, a meal I probs should've consumed about five hours earlier.

I also recall chatting with my friends Morgan and Diane, seeing Caitlin Mae in a stewardess outfit, calling my Mom (deathiversary day), listening to a voice mail from my Grandma that made me cry and I had to step outside (thank G-d for Haviland obvs), and some woman telling us we couldn't sit at the Raffle table and the eternally kick-ass Jayme Waxman being like "whatevs, I am Wonder Woman, they can sit wherevs they want."

ANYHOW! The party was awesome, ladies got nekkid, the calendar is hot, Buy one! 100% of the proceeds go to Sex Work Awareness.

2) No on Prop 8 Rally!

Over 10,000 people came to this giant gathering of homosexual love at City Hall on november 15th, 2008, to protest the passing of Prop 8, and obvs A;ex, Haviland and I were among them. There's lots of reasons that a person might wish they were a bird. One of those is when you wanna know how big a protest is or where those voices are coming from. We discovered the latter when we chose to leave the masses to get a latte and find Carly, which's also when we realized how HUGE it was. An amazing inspirational mass of people who've come together for this cause and believe in it. We believe in it enough to come together all over the country for California.

This is serious, y'all, the times they are a'changin'. The intolerant people are gonna have to move to deserted islands, apparently there are lots of deserted islands all over the world, according to A;ex, this came up in a conversation about how I think I know everything but I don't. Allegedly.

Although I would've preferred the Dazzle Dancers performing for us as well as some Mormons to yell at directly, I tried to summon all the revolutionary spirit of my ancestors and yell at the choir just the same. Kim Stolz actually rocked the mike and I'm not just saying that 'cause I fancy her, and the signs obvs were amazing as I'm sure you've read. We didn't have a sign because we overslept (see: Sex Bloggers Party) and arrived fully prepared for a rainshower.

I just hope that we can make something happen, obvs, I heart the cause.

I mean everyone should marry who they want to, and anyone who disagrees with me --- well, I hate you. If you voted Yes on Prop 8, I'm sorry, I just hate you!

8 Against 8

As y'all may or may not know, there's an initiative on the California ballot this year called "Proposition 8," which aims to change the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry. The gays have had this right since June, and obvs all hell's broken loose. Gay marriage has killed 500 polar bears, inspired ten million men to cheat on their wives, unleashed a SARS epidemic amongst babies in Oakland and directly caused the entire adolescent population of La Jolla to marry their pet rabbits. Howevs, it's also resulted in some very lovely photos of Ellen & Portia, which's why I've joined the 8 Against 8 Campaign.

8 Lesbian Bloggers, 8 Days, 8,000 Dollars. The bloggers include Pam Spaulding of Pam's House Blend, Dorothy Snarker of Dorothy Surrenders, Grace Chu and Grace Rosen of Grace the Spot and Afterellen, Lori Hahn of Hahn at Home, Kelly Leszczynski of The Lesbian Lifestyle, Sugarbutch, and Renee Gannon of Lesbitopia.

Prop 8 would add a new section to the California constitution stating "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." Current polls predict that this ammendment will pass , thanks to crazies like these guys -- which's why we've come together against Proposition 8, begging you for money. I beg you guys for money a lot, but this time's different, 'cause I'm not selling t-shirts or 'zines. I'M SELLING FREEDOM, BITCHES!

Over the next 8 days I'll be rolling out My Top 8 Reasons why this cause deserves at least five of your hard earned dollars. I mean face it we're all broke now anyway, what's another $5-$500 bucks? That's what I tell myself every night when I order takeout. If 8 Against 8 reaches its $8,000 target, I'll stop talking about it and talk about other things. But 'til then you'll just have to hear about it, or read my South of Nowhere recap whenever I finish it, or read Lozo or Sloganx or call your mother, she misses you. Better yet, call my Mother, she misses me. Or my other mother. They're not married. It's totes illegal in Michigan. They had a commitment ceremony, I wore my Puma sandals, maybe we've discussed this before.

ANYHOW! for now, I'd like to invite you to send me a photo of yourself for my No on 8 Quilt (pictured in the current post of the day, which right now is Reason #8). It's like an AIDS quilt but less depressing. Just take a photo of yourself with a sign that says "No on 8" and send it to me at marielyn176@gmail.com. Photobooth is the best way to do it. Or you can do what Haviland did -- pick up a random dog from the street and then galavant around Los Angeles photographing yourself with No on 8 Lawn Signs. She's so clever and spry, that Haviland.

Anyone who sends me a photo for the No on 8 Quilt and/or donates to 8 Against 8 and forwards me their confirmation email will be entered in a drawing to win fun prizes. I won't actually ship these prizes 'til after November 4th, 'cause honestly I've got a shit-ton of stuff to do before then, like move into a new apartment, find a subletter for our third bedroom and furnish the place ... while continuing to blog, recap, work three jobs, exercise and occasionally catch some shut-eye.

But I'm 99.9% sure the grand prize will be a copy of THE L WORD SEASON FIVE ON DVD -- it comes out on DVD October 28th and I'll be running some promotional contests for it here and on AutoStraddle and on TLW Online when I actually get the DVDs (it might not be 'til November, I'm really not sure), but I'm prematurely ejaculating one copy for this cause. 'Cause that's the kind of girl I am. Another prize will be a copy of Auto-Insomnia #1, our fabulous 'zine -- if you've already got it, then you can win Auto-Gear instead or a date with Haviland (pre-requisites include: smokin' hot, have your shit together, no crazies, live in L.A).

If you don't want any gay prizes, you should donate anyway, otherwise you will probs not get into Heaven. Highest level of tzedakah is giving w/o recognition. Just saying.

What are you waiting for??!!! Send me your photo, weirdo! I'll put it up w/in 24 hours of when you send it to me. Give me your name, a link if ya want it ... and you can cover your face if you want.

Also, please spread the word to any major media outlets or minor media outlets you know of. Download the press release here and check out the website. That badge up there -- feel free to repost it anywhere with a link to www.8against8.com.

On the Night I Die I Swear I'll Sleep Outside Your Window OR "My Life as a House"

Me? I'd keep my library on the wall's built-in-bookshelves. Hardwood floors. Exposed brick. Exposed book. We don't need mirrors if we have each other, we need windows to see what's out there but not too much everything, 'cause then we won't be able to see each other anymore. I want us to really look at each other is what I'm saying.

I had a house once. I mean -- I lived in a house, and it was mine as much as anything can be yours when you're a child and don't really have anything but still believe that you will, one day, have everything.

I nested there, as surely and solidly as anything in the world could've been my nest when I was a child and didn't really have anything but still believed I would, one day, nest somewhere else, somewhere spectacular like in Troop Beverly Hills or The Little Princess.

I never liked adventure stories of swashbuckling, journeys, warriors, quests -- I liked novels where precarious girls in frocks and bare feet discovered secret worlds in the wardrobe or in a box in the attic, stories where adventure was as local as wallpaper.

Natalie, my bestie from college who I lived with at two separate addresses there and crashed with last week, saw her Fiji dream house in Architectural Digest. Simple, clean lines, beautiful, next to the sea, surrounded by mountains and green, endless green. Open & floor length windows, glass walls and the bamboo bedroom walls open up to the spectacular sea. Hardwood floors, lots of ceiling fans, crisp linen, a beautiful kitchen where she can see all the people she loves sitting at once with wine and laughing. Stainless steel everything. Huge bathtub. Colors, and light, and dreamity dream dreams.

And when, at thirteen, my parents got divorced and we were made to leave that house I owned [or thought I owned] I left kicking and screaming, literally, staging a sit-in on the blue carpet in the style of the Vietnam protests my parents had told me about. I said I could not go. I demonstrated this by burying my head in the carpet. To my left -- the closet I'd turned into Samantha (a doll)'s bedroom. To my right, the futon and my loft bed and my desk where I wrote stories on my loud clanking electric typewriter.

To my all around -- my walls; posters of places I wanted to visit (like New York City) and hulking portraits of my hero Nolan Ryan who kept on pitching 'til he won.

Haviland wants a place like this hotel in L.A. called the Visceroy, like 60's stuff like in Bewitched [her typo was "betwitched," which's better, yeah?], the decor from I Dream of Jeanie, and lots of mirrors and of course the beach, always the beach and the waves, and the wind in her fairy-tale hair.

In the fifteen years since leaving that place on 431 Crest Avenue [like the toothpaste], I've switched addresses 23 times. As unhinged as that's made me feel, I've established certain precautions -- I always know where I'll be at least two weeks before I go there. I've never, for example, had to crash, or put my everyday things and furniture in storage, or couch-hop. A luxury, sure, but for me it's hardwired as hardwood and the only thing that keeps me grounded in a life of freelancing and freewheelin' and now, no legitimate roots anywhere, noplace I've ever lived that'd have me back or even knows my name.

Carly: "my dream house is whatever house Robin is living in. What, too gay?" Carly's dream house is not too big and it's modern but not cold, and there's a pool and room for dogs, and she can entertain or just sit around and watch tv in her pajamas. She says, "I can't figure out if that means I want a house on the beach in CA or a penthouse in Manhattan. Guess I'll have to get one of each!"

At boarding school near the end of my junior year, my writing teacher invited his workshop over for dinner. I rode my bike there, it was on campus. I had lots of coffee which was still a drug to me then because I was 16 and full of hope and spirit. I didn't say much 'cause I was shy, but I remember the books in his room, and the warmth they created with their words and possibility. I remember the brook in the backyard, like a cheesy watercolor rendered beautiful.

I remember, remember tangibly, the feeling of whipping through air on my bicycle from his house afterwards and thinking, "Marie Lyn Bernard the world is at your fingertips/handlebars!"

That was when energy, not oblivion, was my drug of choice. And I decided that night that when I got home for the summer I'd build myself a cave -- I'd always loved that shit, the treehouses and secret clubhouses -- a cave no-one else could squeeze into -- a place where I'd read poetry and write brilliant brilliant heartbreaking things. I'd write a novel, I said. All I needed was the right space, the right cave.

Adam's number one awesome houseboat is MacGuyver's. Distant second; Duncan during the relevant season of Highlander. In his elementary school sketchbook he drew his dream house -- he sketched it. It was a castle. With a moat. And a wing for his mommy because he was/is that kid. And he went on to form his romantic archetypes from the relationships in fantasy novels which wasn't healthy but the women were plucky (he chose the angsty young sorceress nobody understood, not the ditzy princess in distress). And then there was a real-life man with a real-life wife who had spines; spines of books, candlelight. That, after all, is his dream house: "I would probs want more light than he got, but it was night when I was there, so just about anything would have more natural light than nighttime."

And so, here I am. Basically what happened was I was all set with the apartment and then five days before I found out it wasn't going to happen ... I don't, and won't, go into detail, because it's my life as a house too, and it's complicated and I hate myself already for typing this sentence already.

Alex wants something she can build with her own two hands, with materials from her stranded desert island, but she realizes that fantasy sounds a lot like nightmare. So then there's this: a margarita shack on the beach in Mexico, where she'd sleep in a hammock and make margaritas all day. But then there's this too: the tree-house. That Swiss Family Robinson house in Disneyworld, anything where she could be inside and around a tree, the warmer the better.

But the whole situation leaves me unhinged, lost, and that's why I'm couch-hopping. I feel dislocated, like Houdini could pop off both of his nice shoulders you know? My Dad used to talk to me about Houdini a lot. I liked how Houdini was stuck in this tiny space and could dislocate his body from himself and that was how he made magic.

I realize, oh I realize, that there are children in Darfur who'd love to be sans-address but have a bed to share with a friend or a couch to hop to, close one's eyes on. Perhaps if I didn't realize this, it would be easier to figure out how I feel. But every thought I have is overrridden by the other thought; the thought of people who are sleeping on the streets, who need more than my change/change.

My short list includes the loft from Igby Goes Down, The Factory, that house in the Hitchcock movie with the cliff chase and the hanging, Walden Pond, the house my writing teacher lived in, and more and more and more that I will think about tomorrow and then add 'cause this post is totes incomplete, like you and me and everyone we'll ever know.

Caitlin. Wants a house on the beach with a pool and a backyard and she imagines her dream house to be like in Life as House, the movie that said: "I've always thought of myself as a house, I was always what I lived in. It didn't need to be big, it didn't need to be beautiful, it just needed to be mine. I became what I was meant to be, I built myself a life, I built myself a house, with every crash of every wave I hear something now. I never listened before. I'm on the edge of a cliff, listening. I'm almost finished. If you were a house, this is where you'd want to be built" and "What? Do I still love you? Absolutely. There's not a doubt in my mind. Through all my anger, my ego, I was always faithful in my love for you."

And so, nowhere I am. And so I do not know who I am. And so I want more than anything to be proud of myself. Which won't set us free but Who I Am is the great mistake in a life full of mistakes.

And so tonight I will go to sleep, ideally, though I've struggled with sleep the past few days 'cause I'm not good with strange spaces, and so I panic, and so tomorrow I will wake up, and I will go to work, and I will, if I have the time, attack this post and try to make it into something as glorious as four walls, as something I could dig into, as something I could keep. Something I can own, as much as any child can own anything.

Sunday Top Ten: Way Back in the 90's, PART ONE

Prior to 2003, my little brother (Year Of Birth: 1984) was the youngest person alive. In '03, my boyfriend (YOB: 1983 -- alarmingly young, and the only youngster I'd ever dated) cheated on me with an '87-born girl who sported the AIM handle "AllyBoo," making HER the youngest person alive. Now, thanks to the internets, I know many young people, and it is a truth universally acknowledged that A;ex/Semicolon (YOB:1985555) is now the youngest person alive. I'd like to cite Stef, who recently addressed a young commenter (who didn't know about 'zines) with this: "Your profile says you were born in 1987, making you even younger than semicolon, so maybe you missed out on the golden age of the 'zine."

It's mind-boggling; all these young people who missed so many important things by only a few years. Change moves quickly these days, and Hav & I (high school class of '99) find even our Class of '01 friends don't know much about Angela Chase. Heartbreaking. Unfortunately, VH1's premature nostalgia ejaculations have covered our exclusive 90's nostalgia territory before we could -- not that I've seen 'em, but you know how I love reading about teevee.

See, I'm [really thinking about] packing [for moving] right now, which makes this week a prime-time for time travel, as I'm [sure I'll be] stumbling upon massive amounts of shit from the 90's that I've still got around. Why do I keep these things? I don't know. I mean! 'Cause I'll need this stuff when I write my book! And 'cause one day this photo of Claire Danes from Seventeen will be worth millions on the 'bay! I'm gonna do this in two parts. The second part is also exciting.

Sunday Top Ten PART ONE of TWO: Things From the 90's You Should Know About

10. Sassy Magazine

Last month I read How Sassy Changed my Life, it was a delightful trip down memory lane to the little teen dream magazine that couldn't. Sassy, designed to emulate the more subversive tone employed by Australian teen magazines, launched in 1989 and was a godsend to alternateen girls all over the nation. Drawing on an audience who felt alienated by the aggressive heterosexuality and blatant appearance-based commercialism exuded by women's magazines like Seventeen, Teen, YM and Mademoiselle, Sassy was ripped mercilessly from our tender teenaged hands in 1996, therefore creating the alienation that lead us all to do drugs, become gay and recycle. There's been nothing quite like it since -- though props to JANE (founded in '97, folded in '07) and ElleGirl (founded in '01, folded in '06) for trying.

---

9. The Aerosmith Alicia Silverstone Music Video Trifecta

Ostensibly, these videos were about a very hot heterosexual girl (Alicia Silverstone) driven to desperate measures (usually involving desert landscapes, babydoll dresses, boots and convertibles) by bad bad bad bad boys. Secretly, all these videos were about the intense burning lesbian love affair between Alicia Silverstone (Clueless) and Liv Tyler (Empire Records ... also, she's Steven Tyler's daughter). Alicia's first boyfriend (Cryin') drives her to fake her own suicide attempt, her second (Amazin') prematurely ejaculates and plays too many video games.

Which brings me to "Crazy." Can I call Alicia "Leesh"? Okay, I will. I can best explain the plot of "Crazy" to you IN RHYME/poem form. Or you can watch the video itself.

Crazy:
Leesh & Liv are too cool for school
little bitty plaid skirt shimmy out the window,
baby you can sleep while I ditch the sweater
'cause two girls with the top down is better.

Worldwide seduction tour, the wide world's free
shades at our fingers, pump up the car, look at me
if you can't beat 'em, you'll undress while I take their money.

Aerosmith likes its men perpetually thirteen & on bended knee
all wanting and objectifying every shiny-haired woman they see
I spy a young supple maiden in a short skirt & wisp of tiny tee
public display of patriarchal longing, I got a sinker if you've got a hook
[or a breathy screaming line] but who cares!? I mean, just look
at the way they look
at each other.

Leesh is in drag; suit tie & hat
Liv's stripping in white shiny pants
they win the contest, ditch the boys, hop on the bed,
drive through endless fields, sky kisses heads
sun-streaked skin and sex, money laughs, hair dashes,
baby you can rock while I roll.

---

7. 'Zines

'Zines, obvs: I've said enough about 'zines this week (in honour of our first auto-win zine). Howevs, the Auto-Insomnia 'zine is way better than my first attempt at 'zining in 1997. The contents of Lunette included an investigation of the word "fake," a story called "How Drinking Ruined our Clique," a My So-Called Life drinking game, my brother's column about life in middle school, suggestions of "What to Do When You're Bored" (e.g., go putt putt golfing, drive way out of town and find a restaurant you've never been to and eat there, go to the top of the parking structure & spit on people), photos from our trip Mexico, The Boy Hall of Fame (two friends and Gabriel Dameon from Newsies), and my favorite part -- "Our Research Project": "Since Marie has aol (America Online) and can type really fast, we went online and asked a gazillion people what they thought about teenagers. Only a few people were willing to talk to us though. If you want to email any of these people, don't tell them where you got their names from, it's confidential." Questions included, "did you live a childhood of innocence?" and "what do you think of The Spice Girls?"

**

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6. My So-Called Life

It's really hard to communicate with people who've not seen this show. They cannot understand the depth & importance of statements like: "I just love the way he leans," and "you're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you." Luckily fourfour breaks it all down for you in this video. Howevs, if we're going to be friends in any meaningful way, just rent the DVDs, they only had one season, it's not gonna take forever. The cancellation of MSCL was our generation's Vietnam.

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5. So, Back to UsUsUs

I believe the world can be divided into three kinds of people:
1. People who didn't get braces 'cause they didn't need 'em.
2. People who had braces for 2.5 or more years. (me)
2a. and headgear, rubber bands, etc.
3. People who had braces for less than 2.5 years.

Do kids still get braces? Are they clear? I don't know what's going on in the world anymore.

Anyhow, whether you did or didn't get braces -- if you're a blogger or a reader and you've got a photo of yourself modeling through any of the days between '94 and '97, e-mail it to me, tell me your commenter name (if you have one) or blog name and you just may appear in Segment Two of the Sunday Top Ten: Way Back in the 90's.
For Installment One of "Back in the 90's" I present THE AUTO-CREW!
sans Haviland, who claims she has no photos of herself taken
between her early youth and 2005.
Suspiciously, neither did The Girl on the Milk Carton.
No but really I'd like to bring this back around to why it's a good thing I cart everything with me everywhere, 'cause you never know when your BFF is gonna request an old photo of you from the 90's.

+

Send your 1994, 1995, 1996 or 1997 photos to marielyn176@gmail.com.

Happy Independence Day!

Hey Kids! Guess what, it's the Fourth of July! Light a cracker on fire! I'm in the Dirty Jerz this weekend and won't be blogging 'til Monday, BUT -- I will definitely be commenting on July 3rd's "Auto-Win Book Club #1a: The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (page 165)" and I am really loving hearing what everyone thinks about it too, it's really awesome.

FYI, here in the United States, The Land of Freedom, we commemorate the anniversary of the day the Brits decided to leave us to deal with our own drama.

Last night I couldn't sleep, insomnia stronger than sleep aids! Too many thoughts, too many ideas, and my brain far too tired from aforementioned thoughts/ideas to accomplish anything of substance, e.g., packing.

So I read Orlando for a little while and read The Warhol Diaries for a little while and then Tinkerbell made a movie. It's silly and not good, but Haviland & Carly & Alex & Tinkerbell & Matthew are in it, and they'd like you to see it. Also there's flying lesbians, like celebrity circus!



happy fourth and keep talking about Wao, I know I will!
xoxo

We Will We Will VLOG You

So much footage and so little time! Speaking of time: time has a way of ticking on, 'cause of clocks, and before long it'll be Thursday night and The Rockford Peaches (a prestigious team including all-stars like me, Carly, Caitlin and Alex) will be playing their second basketball game in reportedly ugly shirts. I missed the first game, which was probs best for everyone. In this vlog, we discuss our impending athletic doom (facilitated by Carly, who roped us into a NYC Professionals Basketball League even though I'm defo not a professional. I actually thought it was a lesbian league, which'd mean all the players are bonded by sexuality and therefore not implying particular athletic prowess by participating. This is not the case. Mostly, we're hoping it'll provide fodder to make fun of each other afterwards).

Also, Haviland's here, we snatched her up at the airport on Monday night at about two hours past my [aimed-for, but never achieved] bedtime. The whole place smelled like B.O., but we waited, which is true love/friendship, clearly.

Riese: "I'm gonna sweat so much at the basketball game, it's gonna look like I just took a shower in all my clothes within 20 seconds of the first quarter. I'm gonna be like the Swamp Thing."
Caitlin: "Everyone will be sweating."
Riese: "No one will be sweating as much as me."
Haviland: "Riese, you published an article in MARIE CLAIRE about how much you sweat. You won a sweating award. I think everyone's fully aware that you have hyperhidrosis and will be sweating."
Riese: "They'll probs just think I'm a cokehead."
Caitlin: [does the groan she does that means the same thing as Haviland's "Really Riese? Really?"]

As I've mentioned probs 500 times this week, I haven't played basketball since my 5th-8th grade tenure on The Emerson Eagles, which concluded just before puberty (I was a late bloomer). We played spring ball in a Rec league & fall ball in a special private school league, and managed to lose every single game except one. Emerson performed a lot better in Mathletes, Quiz Bowl and Magic the Gathering than it did in girls' b-ball.

So. Today I have this pebble for you. A vlog of some quality featuring Carlytron & Matthew as well as never-before-seen footage starring Haviland and Alex. This is what's in it:

1. Discussion about Incest.
2. Haviland's reading of Supr's supreme drunken comment from autowin.
3. Our basketball team.
4. A preview of our basketball game.

And also, so much more.

Pardon Me, But Wasn't that your VLOG? That I Felt On the Bed In Between the Sheets?

The thing is; I have an air conditioner in my room. But what happens when I leave my room? How long can I survive on only crackers? It's totally "Do the Right Thing" around here, and "around here" extends to both my kitchen and my neighborhood. Anyhow, some of you live in other countries and aren't experiencing what we're experiencing. Want an experience we can all experience together, like a family? Well, I've got one. It's called "a vlog," and if you've got broadband internet access, we can share this moment together, 'cause caring is sharing.

Haviland's coming to visit super-soon, I can't wait! But in the meantime in between time, Carlytron has valiantly stepped up and vlogged her little ass off with her roommate Matthew and her lesbian dog Saffron. Topics include: flying lesbians. Also, Cesar was there but he wouldn't participate and therefore he was punished.

A;ex just told me it's hard to hear in some parts and that she'd probs have to listen to it 7-8 times. Which's fine, that ups the views. I-movie won't let me make the music quieter than 7%, which is actually apparently a lot. What you're going to have to do is listen up. Like in gym class, when the teacher was like: "listen up."

I got nostalgic for Final Cut (which I didn't use, 'cause I film vlogs on imovie, so that seemed counterproductive) while editing this today. I feel like that's a good sign. It's a sign that one day, I'll learn how to use Final Cut. As Adele would say: "cut, print ..."