Monday, May 21, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: The Unpaid Internship You've Waited All Your Life For

I've decided instead of [or "in addition to"] getting a job, I'm going to GIVE a job. Like reverse Christmas, if Christmas was a day for getting jobs. If you think about it, a job's a lot like a Christmas present. For example: today [Sunday], it's unlikely I'll receive either a job or a present. I'd post an a "Job-Giving" ad on craigslist, but I can't afford that, I have children's mouths to feed and/or gloss.

This job is an unpaid internship but there's hope for advancement into the highest ring of angels around heaven. That's also unpaid, but it's really fun: 'cause angels can fly, they get special missions and never spill marinara sauce on their outfits, like I do when I wear white.

As you can see on this blog, my life's a laugh-a-minute AND a dynamic, fast-paced, detail-oriented, team-playered work environment. I go out all the time, party all night long, drink like a fish, sleep 'til nine a.m. and read a lot. [That's a joke, p.s., for those of you just tuning in. Except I do read a lot and sleep 'til nine a.m.] E.G. right now I'm reading Ovid's The Art of Love, which--speaking of presents--was a present from TB. So far, the narrator's ripped out his married girlfriend's hair [cause she dyed it, as I plan to do within the next 72 hours], impregnated his girlfriend's maid and then delivered a harsh missive regarding his ire over the maid's self-administered abortion. In the introduction, Ovid's described as "romantic to the core."

Here are the top ten requirements of this job.


This's the most important part of the job. I've got some people who already do this, including my trusty/patient shrink, but I feel I'll be exhausting their resources soon enough and could use some administrative support, if you will. And, re: my shrink--she's on the Upper East Side and I'm in West Harlem, so I gotta subway downtown before going uptown, which's maddening. I've got a return-trip routine though: purchase latte, crank up sad crazy music [I have a "crazy" playlist on my ipod], muse over all the ways I could improve my life but probably won't, because instead I'm sitting on the Q train going downtown instead of uptown in order to confront Times Square EXACTLY at rush-hour [1 transfer]. I learned two days ago, however, that Grand Central at rush hour's way worse, it's the scariest thing I've seen since Willow.

This duty's only quarterly. One of those times'll inevitably be a massive hair color fuck-up, self administered by myself at an inane hour of night, likely while intoxicated. (SEE PHOTO, RIGHT, which depicts "STAGE ONE" of "When I dyed my hair black and then red, and then blonde/orange '03") (SEE ALSO post DETAILING last year's hair-dye fiasco ) Following my inevitable success/fortune, this duty'll be taken over by Rachel, via private plane.

It'd be nice if you could put together a daily skit regarding the day's headlines and perform it for me as I enjoy my morning Kashi. Actually, you could switch it up every day: straight delivery, interpretive dance, musical number or perhaps even Charades! I'd be like: "20 civilians dead! 200 ? Shot civilians praying? --oh! Soldiers! School children?! Innocent bystanders in Idaho? Tornado?!!! Okay--that's close though--okay--hurricane? Apocalyptic mass extinction? There's a new family movie coming soon to a theater near me?"

TB already does this, but she's not an unpaid intern, she's my love-slave. Giddy-up! In any event, I'm looking to redistribute this particular labor in the near future and remove some of the load from TB's proverbial back, so please know MLA/Whatever grammar real good, especially: the difference between "that" and "which," "its" and "it's" and when to say "___ and I" or "me and ____." Ability to transform a 5,000-word essay into an 800-word essay is a bonus and will result in a salary double.


You can't be any geek off the street, gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep! Regulators! Mount up!
-Warren G

Right now, there's 5-6 humans outside on the street yelling like wild hooligans. Now--my Mom kicked me out of my home for blowing bubbles in my milk many-a-time, but that's no excuse to be yelling silly things into the night air when I'm upstairs having important thoughts. I need someone to regulate on their asses. Also, I'd like someone with one or more of the following super-powers: Seeing Through Walls, Precognition, Cross-Dimensional Awareness, Zach Morris Time Freeze, Flying, Spider-Vision, Telekinesis, Ability to Teach Public School in a Low-Income District, Go-Go Gadget 'Brella.

Seriously though for those of you familiar with the Go-Go Gadget 'Brella and the recent onslaught of random-ass NYC rainstorms, you know how kickass that would be. The guy on the corner'd be like: Five dollah! And you'd be like, ziiiippppppiddiiii


Most of my clothes are within the $5-$30 price range, which means they fall apart more-or-less instantly. I noticed Krista1 often got her pants hemmed, though, which's when I realized that people my age get their clothes fixed instead of just stuffing them in the closet for whenever they learn how to fix stuff so it don't split open no more. I don't need hemming though, I need hole-fixing and lengthening, if possible. I've had this pair of Abercrombie jeans since '03 that recently earned a hole in the ass, and I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I think maybe no-one'll notice if I just don't stand up, or something?

For starters, call the dentist: I haven't been to the dentist since that blizzard during Winter Break '04, when Mom put Lewis2 and I up in a motel right next to a dentist office. There was no Internet. So what did we do instead? Well, I'd tell you, but Mom would probably email me about it, and then call me, and since I haven't filled this position yet, who'd call her back? That's right: no-one. There was a little gym in the motel, which was nice. I'd run on the treadmill like a little bunny and watch movies on the teevee, but if I ran too fast, I couldn't hear the teevee, so I'd have to slow down. It was very frustrating. Sometimes I'd go to the lobby and argue with the guy about how internet works, and Lewis'd get very indignant about the misleading sign claiming "free internet-wireless" or what have you. We tried to get some money back. For Mom, obvs.

So anyhow: Dentist. I brush my teeth approx. 20 times a day, which's why I have toothbrushes all over this city. Actually, I did make a dentist appointment a few months ago, but apparently the free insurance I'm scamming off the government had already picked a dentist for me in East Harlem, where I lived ten gazillion years ago. So you'd have to hunt that down, then call.

My Mom. Natalie, Krista, Direct-TV probs, Aunt, Grandparents, Cousin-who-just-had-baby, Noah, and Visa, because I think they're scamming me on the APR.

Mostly, you'll be required to tote groceries [I haven't found a grocery store in this 'hood, which means I've been living on pasta/Ragu and peanut-butter-crackers from CVS], alcohol, and my lap-top. See, not so bad. Not like actual mules, who have to carry ten pounds of bananas through the desert in Mexico or Egypt or whatever.

First order of business is getting rid of the bars on my window and installing the oft-mentioned air conditioner.

Also, I've got this problem with my bed that I've had for a few years now: I keep an additional comforter between my mattress and the fitted sheet for extra comfort, but this also puts strain on the fitted sheet's ability to stay put, especially during "special" activities, e.g. sex. As soon as I note the fitted sheet coming undone, my anxiety level skyrockets and it's all I can think about: must fix sheet, must fix sheet. I've been known to interrupt activities to fix the sheet, and also to demand "off the bed!" immediately following said activities to re-position the sheet as quickly as possible. I've solved this problem by nailing my fitted sheet to the mattress, but now there's multiple holes in fitted-sheet-corners. There must be a better way. Please fix.

Also: cleaning. I like cleaning sometimes, but not all the time. I like things being clean though. I hate my room being dirty. This's one of many things I will be talking to you about, see Job Requirement #10: The Futile Process of Discussing Why Riese Doesn't Fix Things That Drive Her Crazy, e.g. my room being disorganized.

Like, what should number one be on this Top Ten? That's your job interview question. At The Olive Garden3 they asked me what I would tell the guest if their food was taking forever, and I said I'd tell them that the kitchen staff was fucking up and I was annoyed with them, too, pass the buck, kiddos!, and they still hired me. So, no pressure.

1: Krista. Sisters since we were made suitemates at Interlochen (boarding school) in 1997. Lived together in East Harlem. Currently painfully far away at Yale.
2: Lewis. My younger brother. Lives in New Orleans. OMG!!! Yes. He was also living there during Katrina, but he got out just fine.
3: When I was 18, no-one would hire me w/o waitressing experience, so I got a job at The OG in Times Square, 'cause they have training/brainwashing there, so it doesn't matter how inexperienced you are. I talk about it a lot, so I'm glad I worked there. It's great anecdotal material.


Bourbon said...

10. I'm the worst listener on the face of the planet. However, tuning out while looking totally interested is an art I have mastered. I can totally work on extending my input vocabulary from "hmmm", "really?", "omg" and "what a bitch/asshole" to include "for real?", "no way" and my fave "I can so see you saying that".

9. I do my own hair well but once I attempted at fixing my girlfriends coz she was lazy and we were going out [insert lipstick joke here] and lets just say that it ended up with her throwing a brush at me and us going to seperate venues. However, I paint nails better than any asian manucurist on the face of this planet, hands down.

8. Never played party games but always reading the news.

7. Ihvuniqueways2shrtenurSA's

6. Is an abnormally high drinking tolerance underpinned my a desire to always be drinking, underlined by a responsible approach to it all considered a super power?

5. My black work pants had a hole in them, I wore black leggings underneath so it wasn't that obvious. I may not be skilled but I sure am crafty!

4. OH MAN I OWN THIS ONE. Phone Nazi is what they call me, I can stick it to those mofos on the other end like nobody's business. And when I'm busy painting nails I'll have people calling you only to find an automated system like "For condolences press 1, for congratulations press 2, for complaints about my new intern press 3...for unpaid bill notices hang up"

3. Some logistical errors MAY arise when it comes to the alcohol.

2. I dunno about anything beyond screwdriver but my phone skills could come in handy ie. calling someone else to do it

1. Applicants must demonstrate that they possess the foresight needed to assist in TGCAW's inevitable expansion. In actuality, I am already doing this by applying to this job. Spending study time reading blogs will impede my chances in getting a grade that's likely to impress potential employers. HOWEVER, by having the FORESIGHT to apply to this position, if I get the job I can read blogs while scoring a star on my resume.

Who am I kidding? Five stars.

Bourbon said...

PS. A wool (or polycotton in the summer) mattress protector will provide that comfort layer between your fitted sheet and mattress but will work WITH your fitted sheet coz, well, thats what it's made to do.

DH said...

If you ever hit rock bottom with the job-hunt, I'd hire you as a recruitment copywriter. How you managed to make no cash, calling dentists, carrying groceries and installing air-cons sound attractive is beyond me.

#1 - Be CAPS friendly. Because if you're not, reading/proofing your work would be a typographic nightmare.

Anonymous said...

what up riese!!

reading ur blog always challenges my reading skills; which is a good/awesome/fantastic thing! cause english is my second language and when i understand what you're talking about i get all excited... lol!

sad to say riese... i am a bad listener; but always in a conversation and when a friend asked me abt something and i've totally tuned out of it... somehow... i would always manage to say the right thing...

friend: so yeah; he's a complete asshole u know...
me: .....
friend: hello?? what do u think??
me: ....mmm...
friend: i mean, jesus... who would do such a thing...
me: ...*snap out of my daydreaming*... oh yeah, yeah... he's a dick head... u know, u deserve way better... *wait nervously*...
friend: i know right?? i know u would get me...
me: *let out a sigh of relief...*

oh; and i can totally fix things, like seriously. i've been known to be able to fix stuff from relationships to broken chairs. and i can like build a table! if its from ikea...

i can carry stuff for you any day riese; these biceps been working out for nothin anyway...

excellent post; hope to hear from ya soon.

have a good one!

riese said...

Aw, you guys are all such good fake listeners. Maybe you're fake listening to me. What do you do when you get quizzed later though? That drives me crazy, when i find out someone clearly hasn't been listening. Maybe that's why I prefer textual communications, cuz then there's a record of what's been said. I do listen, actually. I can say that for myself, if little else. Unless I'm on my macbook. Then I'm totally not listening, or rather only sorta listening. But i add things like "you're right," or, a good one is; "yeah, you've said something about that before--" which they'll cut off, eager that you remember psat convos.

I think all things that can be done well can also be done well drunk.


Once my black work pants got all these little fuzzballs on them, from being: 1. cheap, 2. washed every day, and so I'd just paint over the fuzzballs with black permanent marker.


blox-tox, i'm gonna quote you in my hypothetical ESL teacher application.

Everyone's number #1s are awesome. yay everyone.

the weather is creeping up. Gonna have to regulate on some window bars today, solo. Rawr.

glofosho said...

ok, first of all, i have to admit that i have been reading your blog for awhile, and i think you're absolutely hilarious, i never comment on them though, cause that's just not what i do, but i just thought you should know that i am a full on fan and thing you're hilarious, and i secretly love you for nailing your sheets. really who does that? have you considered an egg crate thing, or a mattress pad? or bigger sheets? just a suggestion...

Annie said...

holy shit, i've colored on my pants too.

yeah, get a king-size sheet. my mom got me one as a mistake, started freaking and planning to take it back. NO, DEE. this way i don't hafta tug no mo'!

AK said...

As a professional organizer, I listen at least as good as a shrink with the added benefit of manifesting immediate results since your room would be organized and your paper flow flowing by the end of our session. (You didn't mention paper so maybe you're caught up.) I'm cheaper than a shrink too, only $75/hr, plus I'd give you my good buddy rate.

I'm terrible at phone, but looks like you got that handled. And all suggestions for sheet anchoring should solve the problem. As for hole in jeans, those iron on patches aren't too bad if you iron them on from the inside, otherwise I am excellent at pants patching, plus I know a molly bolt from a drywall screw, so can install anything to the wall which is a handy storage solution if you live in a small space.

Those bars over the window are a problem, though. You'd probably be better off hanging a canvas bag full of water from the ceiling which would theoretically cool the air as water seeps through the cloth and evaporates.

MoonKiller said...

10. I'm a rather good listener really apart from when I have something to say and the other person won't shut up so I hit them. = ].

9. My hair is ALWAYS a mess and I think it's greying already. But I have a plan...I'm going to shave 'Blaspheming Jew' into my head for charity...even though I'm buddhist.

8. I always read the's the make up of my sunday. And I've just discovered drinking games as you can probably tell from my comments the other night. lol.

7. I once wrote a paper that was 523 words over the word limit and got it down to the word limit exactly and I can also gain words by adding random words like 'popcorn' and 'shoe' into sentences.

6. I'm wonderwoman. no. really. = ]
And I used to get thrown out back when I didn't eat my food so I got into the habit of wearing a coat while eating dinner and filling my pockets with good old grub and my mums theatening to throw me out currently because my rooms a mess and I've taken up smoking as a method of stress relief.

5. My mum can fix everything. She's like a housewife from Merthyr Tydfil in the 1930's.

4. I'm scared of phones.

3. I can tote anything. I invented the totem pole.

2. I am incredible with a chainsaw so those bars on your windows will be out in no time, my mum stole the comforter stuff from the Marriot in London and it doesn't fit my bed so I'll send it to you (y)Also, I love ironing I find it rather theraputic so if you need anyone for that I'm your girl

1. I consider myself quite creative. Except when I'm depressed. But whenever I'm not I spit words like diamonds.

Also, you can pay be below minimun wage because if I move to NY I'd probably be an illegal immigrant. = ].

Mercury said...

I'll play.

10. I'm totes a good listener, I'm just as good in person/live conversation as I am in these blog comment convos we get going sometimes. Maybe even better.

9. I'm obviously in training to be a certified hair colorist/stylist/etc. And I totally don't suck. So I've got this one down.

8. I'm not, like, good at reading the news. Current events are pretty much beyond me. But ridiculous pantomime games/creative presentation of things, I'm totes there.

7. I've mastered the art of eliminating excess words. Sometimes. It's like a mode. Like maybe if you look under my hair in the back there's a switch. But sometimes I'm just like "this isn't necessary" and just eliminate paragraphs and paragraphs and end up with way too little. HOWEVER, I dunno if htis would apply to YOUR writing, because everything I've read of yours rules, but that's obvs post-revision. & That's for the most part excepting blog posts, which don't/never will have word limits. Plus I'm a grammar freak. (In formal writing.)

6. Regulation-ready appearance, I've been doing the uniform thing for so long & I'm even like, used to it. Once I played a video game called City of Heroes, and those characters could fly & stuff.

5. I've tried my hand at the whole repairing clothes via sewing-by-hand thing, and usually it works, except they turn into like, 'art peices' vs. clothes, because I go overboard. Especially like these pants I happened to get paint on when I had a painting class and then I just sort of was like "Cool" & kept painting them. Then my friend's dog ripped out a large portion of the thigh in front, and for a while I just let it be, like 'breezy', but then I overcame that.

4. I used to be a receptionist. I have the phone thing down. Making phone calls for pretty much no reason, ie, reminder calls, trains you well for phone calls that have a purpose. Except for the being a bitch on the phone thing, go for Crystal when dealing with those guys. I usually end up making jokes with the person on the phone, even if I'm calling to cancel a subscription or something.

3. I have mule-ing experience. I have a long history of walking to school. With a big heavy backpack that I'm sure weighed more than your alcohol, etc.

2. The only home repair/maintnenance I've ever done is hung curtains on rods, and um, installed a chain-lock thing for the front door, but I could probs learn. And if a manual is included, I'm totes there.

1. I'm obvs a creative thinker with good ideas. But that doesn't mean I can think of another item for this top 10. I like your #1.
I've decided that the word verification is going to be our #1. "wicmtw" wears incredibly cute mops to work.

PS I'd work for free as long as free included food, and airfare.

frank said...

i was all set to apply for this "job" you spoke of, but i couldn't find the word "hand" or "blow" anywhere on here.

Anonymous said...

I possess the following skills, which were inexplicably excluded from your list. Your error will be graciously forgiven, as these skills are clearly mandatory for any sort of dignified employment.

10.) Full recitation, from memory, of Run DMC’s It’s Tricky (a cappella by request only)

9.) Mario Kart 64 – beach course specialist

8.) Getting carded at movie theatres (R, not PG-13 – v. important distinction)

7.) Hating on Sudoku

6.) Rocking dope sunglasses

5.) The “Jerry Lewis” dance

4.) Ruining weddings

3.) Trash talking (sub specialty: events that I am almost certainly going to lose)

2.) Pen flipping – black belt

1.) Watching Law and Order enough times to leave the bars on my Harlem window

I’ll just wait for your call.

Bourbon said...

There was a time where the quizzing was a problem but now it's gotten to that point where I'm just expected to not remember, which kind of sucks coz I remember sometimes. On the flip side, I hate it when people don't listen to me, but then again I don't talk much - about anything significant that is.

riese said...

Yeah everyone who finds out about the nails in the sheets thinks I'm a totes weirdo. Unfortunately, that happens to be the truth. Both the nails and me being a weirdo. here's the thing: it's a really obvious solution, I think. People are just afraid of THE TRUTH!! Or something. Or fucking up their sheets. Especially because i had to pick them up from the post office which was another thing my intern could do. It's good exercise, I swear, and I am the expert on exercise.

annie: really?! It was annoying to me I had to do it every time after I washed it. Did it work for a long time?

ak: what's paper flow? i think i have a problem with it, I am so glad you have come into my life! Yay! Less paper flow! Are you really a professional ORGANIZER? Holy shit. I need a job doing whatever the opposite of THAT is.

your air conditioner replacement concept fully was accepted, processed, and LOLed over in my mind. and out loud. I guess that goes along with the LOL.

moonkiller: popcorn popcorn popcorn popcorn. and also, i hit natalie when she picks at her nails. that's kinda like hitting people when they won't shut up. omg, i'll totes take in an unpaid immigrant. that's even better.

mercury: You're totes already hired for the haircutter position, it's in the blog!
and yes, i find your textual communication above par.
I usually end up making jokes with those dudes too, because I'm like "cmon, jcrew let's be real here. you're human, i'm human, let's set aside this item number bullshit and make each other laugh. Although sometimes I go overboard, like once I was denying this offer for magazine subscriptions that went over the course of three years, and I was like "I'm totally a CHILD, you know?" and she was like "YOU ARE?!!" and I was like "omg. I mean that metaphorically. weirdo."
that p.s. is something to reckon.

right now tara (d) and caroline are having a foot war, and angelica and elliot are playing music, and tara is making me a pizza, because i'm hungry. tara's waving her feet in the air.

tara-d Are you gonna join the world?
me, looking at computer: THIS IS MY WORLD.

lozo: there was that "make up a number one" thing. for reals, also literally laughed out loud, thus drawing attention to myself at the mount vernon east train stop this evening, circa too late for a skinny white girl. then my sidekick like broke.

oh my pizza is ready!

M omg, I had to write this article about sudoku, and it was driving me INSANE, because I could just not sit down and write it, the second I started thinking about that stupid game which was too stupid for me to even PLAY, I got so worn out about it and bored, like Calc or something. I think I've seen every episode of Law and Order ever. I used to watch it over and over, on all the stations, all day long, back when I watched TV. I liked SVU the best because Mariska Hargitay is smokin' hot.
thank you for your forgiveness for those truly unspeakable exclusions.

razia: i'm listening.

Bridget said...

MLB: (not 2 be confused with major league baseball)

i'm sorry but i've already promised myself the jersey shore (America's finest - we charge to swim in brown water - hollllaa) or else i would soo take this job.

unfortunately, i will most likely be forced to sit in an Irish imports store during daylight hours (avoiding the burning / wrinkling of my skin) with a woman who smells like diaper cream.

Anonymous said...

my roommates and i have been talking about getting a mail order wife to do most of the things on this list... you might look into it yourself. the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the sheet-fixing... and even if she doesn't speak english i bet she'll be a really great listener. and if not, pfft bitch - no green card for you.

i can't do any of that stuff but i am also guilty of sharpie-ing over clothes.. when i had a great laundry disaster involving bleach and my almost entirely black wardrobe.. it was perfect i considered buying multi-coloured sharpies to remedy the non-black items, and then i stopped myself and thought REALLY? i'm still hanging onto those items in case i ever really do it. i might.

The Spaz said...

Oh my God I want a mail order wife now Stef! Such a good idea ;)

10. I -am- a good listener. Because I like to nitpick and argue so you know I'll pay attention. Mostly.

9. Well the hair colourist thing is iffy. I'm having philosophical issues with my hair atm. I don't know if I'm washing my hair too often or using too shitty a dye or what, but I'm pissed and thinking of letting it grow in au natural, which is French for with grey.

8. I'm not really one for the papers anymore considering they're all owned by the same men. Free press my ass.

7. Sadly I'm a better editor than writer.

6. I don't know if this is a superpower or not but my ass is black man's kryptonite.

5. I can sew back on a mean button. I can mend tears but the seams are always awful.

4. I used to be a receptionist at social services so I'm good for people who have friends and family with alot of crises.

3. Does crossing the border with drugs count? Haha I kid. I didn't realize I had anything on me so it was totes unintentional.

2. Yeah cleaning is a crapshoot. I do what you call light upkeep. Which means I pretty much leave stuff alone until I realize somebody is coming over and I freak out.

1. What is your stance on the Oxford comma?

Anonymous said...

[posting at my own risk here]

10. Best listener ever if there's music involved. So the plan would be to underscore your everyday life with a soundtrack that would leave people rapt -- NICHE BONUS: as a former DJ, I possess some mean music mixing skills.

9. I seem to get co-opted into tandem hair coloring sessions -- so bring a friend. ANOTHER NICHE BONUS: getting that perfect shade of non-bronzy blonde ... many years of practice on my GF = accountability for every faux-sundrenched strand. I classify myself as more of a tooth-to-nail technician.

8. Have like 15 years of experience in this category ... which is like waaaaaaaaaay overqualified, no? Can I also do content in addition to the NY Times?

7. Will edit, reduce AND TRANSLATE ... notice how life is getting quite expansive now that you have both a soundtrack and subtitles?

6. The regulation ready apperance has to involve insanely sleek sunglasses, boots (all seasons), and ditching the all-white angel look for some black -- after all this is NYC and not Miami or Europe. Seeing through walls? Hmmm. Now this is for you right?

5. Funny how i saw sewer and prematurely jumped to images of crawling through underground piping looking for lost buttons, ass-bits, bedsheet nails, etc.

4. Sexy phone voice. Sex sells baby, sex totes sells. PROOF: you wouldn't believe the APR on my Visa -- and we all know that the whole unpaid internship mos-def requires some APR friendly plastic.

3. How about I buy you a really cool laptop bag instead? or an iPhone? can you tell i so totes am not into toting? <------ BLACK MARK ?

2. Home re-design ... just sit/lie back with The Art of Love and out of the corner of your eye watch the environmental transformations unfold -- this includes, first and foremost, striking those nasty bars on your windows.

1. arranging for Mariska Hargitay to act as your personal "police detail" once aforementioned bars are removed -- ENJOY!

Bourbon said...

I am in awe of your "response efficiency", if you will. Are you sure you don't have 5 of those little unpaid interns pitter patttering all over the place already?

Anonymous said...

10. I’m the best listener in the world. Even when it seems like I’m not listening at all, if someone tells me the same story twice and there’s a tiny difference, I can tell. I suppose you could say that I can copy edit and fact check aurally

9. I can’t actually colour hair but I do have more products that the average hairdresser, an expensive hair product slut if you will…and I’m a good sharer. What’s mine is yours. Usually. If I like you – which I do.
My wardrobe is like the public library, only there’s no forms to fill in, My friends breakin through my bathroom window, take what they want from my wardrobe and fill in a sheet that’s stuck to my bedroom door. No late fees or anything. Also customer at work the other day asked me where I got my acrylic nails from…. Not acrylic dear customer, REAL!!! And I did them myself

8. I was a journalism major for about three years so I read a lot of news, so much in fact that it filled my memory so that none of today’s current affairs fit. Just 2001-2004.As for parties, I can’t dance, I funnel all of my time and energy into Pictionary.

7. I can précis anything you throw at me while still maintaining focus on the relevant points AND I can do a word count in my head – usually correct up to 50 words – I know that modern technology can do this but maybe typewriters will return someday…

6. I have a handbag big enough to fit an umbrella and anything else you need. Perhaps a muzzle to quiet those crazy street urchins?

5. Yep, I can sew. And I can turn your holey Jeans into a skirt. My friend wore one once and a drunk girl offered her $100 for it

4. I’m more delightful on the phone than I am in real life, hard to believe, but true. None of the angst that is usually so prevalent in face-to-face conversations.

3. I can walk around for hours on end, traipsed your fair city for 10 hours with only one food stop in fact. Give me a single item though, even a carton of milk to carry and I’m tired, struggling and whinging within half a block. Alas, no good to you here…

2. I’m really good at trying to fix things but no real skills to speak of, though I do have many opinions to offer when others are fixing things. I will donate my dad though, he gets so frustrated watching other people (i.e me) try to fix things that his hands start itching and has to step in, usually in under 2 mins – very efficient. I do know how to fix your sheets, it involves sewing though. If it’s an imminent problem just get rid of the fitted sheet and use a flat one. This also minimises the time needed when putting new sheets on, you know, when you realise that you’ve actually started to put the fitted sheet on the wrong way, so then you turn it around and by the time all the corners are on you realise it’s inside out..

1. I’m hiring “The Wiggles” (kids music group involving 4 grown men in coloured skivvies that are friends with people dressed as animals and pirates) for you. They could cover the areas I fall short in:
They have a dog that could work as you pack mule through the city, a dinosaur friend that I’m sure would totally regulate for you AND they dance at parties. Outsource!
(had a little input from my goddaughter on this one)

riese said...

Bridget [not to be confused with "BS"] what's funny is my BFF Natalie always called me "MLB," which was super confusing because not only baseball, but at college we had the Modern Languages Building, which was called the MLB, so sometimes she'd call be "MLB NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE MODERN LANGUAGES BUILDING OR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL!" I'd comment re: the Jersey Shore, but Tara D.'s instructed me to "stop hating on Jersey."

Stef: A Friend who knows from experience suggested hiring a male slave, as there are plenty o' willing subjects in NYC, hers did laundry, drove her everywhere, cleaned, etc. I want a mail order bride, especially after seeing how quickly Natasha on ANTM sucked up Tyra's dogma and spit it back out at her like a good good slave but the problem is that gay marriage is not legal in U.S, therefore I'd have nothing to offer my hypothetical mail order bride in this redonkulous country.

spaz: good point re:the papers, but how can we fight the power if we don't know the stories they are peddling? you can perform the village voice for me. oh wait just kidding, some asshole just bought them out and fired RKB and all this other bullshit.
It's okay that you [think you] are a better editor than a writer. That's like, all the benefits, but less competition. Like, lighter, tastes great! and re: crossing the border, please do, bring drugs. I prefer uppers to downers.

lk: it woud seem that not only are you qualified in the areas you detailed, but could also do a decent job of ghostwriting, yeah? you've got quite a handle on sorta imitation type stuff?..though I suppose now that you've moved from TB to me, your removal/replacement is up to me. For now, you can stay. And totes Mariska. And um, black angels. Nice.

Razia: Yeah, totally failing on that now. I was really good for a while, cuz of the Emily Dickinson thing.

kate_st: You spell 'color' 'colour,' which's amazing, and makes me forgive you for not being able to do it to hair.
nice wardrobe metaphor, hot. how tall are you? i share my clothes too. i have a lot of clothes. quality not quantity. I like hair products that make hair curly or straight, but nothing in between. i hadn't even thought about making it into a skirt, you are very clever. also I cannot dance either, so that's fine I don't want to be intimidated by my intern.

I totes blogged about The Wiggles a while ago, i think in a meloncholy winter post, maybe, I can't remember, cuz I saw them on TV and it was really weird!

carlytron said...

10. I was just educated on this weird subway phenomenon on Sunday. What about a crosstown bus? See? What I just did right there? Listened. And responded.

9. I cannot cut or color hair. I am a mess with nails. I can only style myself.

8. I prefer entertainment news to actual news (whoops) but I'm all about skits and games. I used to perform "Your Weekly Heidi Moment" at work the morning after season 1 episode of "The Hills" would air, featuring my favorite duh-inducing Heidi moment. My co-workers lived for this because our office. was. that. bad. Also, am I allowed to use sock puppets?

7. I could definitely do this. All about grammar. And punctuation.

6. I am useless here. But I always carry an umbrella.

5. I would like my own wardrobe attended to by a seamstress of some kind, which would obviously take precedence over anyone else's wardrobe.

4. Nope. I can't even do this for myself.

3. Nope.

2. I am extremely crafty and handy with most home repair. Re: sheets ... they make these little strappy things that keep those pesky top sheets on, you know. I have them and they work wonders. And I built a desk! Yeah!

1. All applicants should be able to submit a spec script for a television series/short film based on a children's book series from their youth. Dibs on the Baby-Sitters Club (no, seriously).

Hmm ... 5 out of 10. Pretty bad on paper, but I'm a great interviewee.

Anonymous said...

so i guess in this case "art imitates life" ... a writer/poet turned graphic artist turned ghostwriter -- quite a progression for me, should i say thanks for the career advancement op?

MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: start stacking the hundreds of pages of sorta immitation type stuff i've written next to paper shredder

um, totes kidding about that ... wouldn't want you to live with the guilt of being responsible for a mini-pogrom on my side

re: transition from TB to you -- intuitively i thought that i would go a bit lighter since [obvs.] my directness provoked a form of virtual extinction that did not sit well with my ego

tangent: ghostwriter sounds like Ghost Rider which equals "paranormal superhero" which in turn equals irreplaceable

another tangent: некоторое нот <------ now that's an example of something i could hypothetically translate for you

-- LK/mlb/tb

Anonymous said...

I think that I'm about 178(ish)cm but I don't know what that is in feet and inches. The land down under uses the metric system and adds letters to words that other countries don't -like the u in colour. let me know if you need to borrow anything...shipping times might prove to be a bit of a pain in the ass though

AK said...

(Oops, I was out a couple of days, but I'm going to answer anyway.) Yes, I am really a professional organizer. Much easier to find work organizing people than to try to sell my wordsmithing skills by writing queries to magazine editors, (but don't let that discourage you).

Paper flow is a term we organizers invented to make our clients sound like they have worthy problems and, by same token, makes us sound like skilled consultants. We're really just talking about paperwork, especially the mail that is not opened because people are afraid they'll have to do something with it once opened. Like file it or call somebody because their insurance says they're not covered for something.

Or they loose their electricity bill and forget to pay it because they have "nomadic mail" that hides under piles of magazines at the end of the coffee table, which then gets shoved into a box and put in the closet when company comes over, and later is marked miscelaneous and gets moved from house to house three times, and by then there's 30 boxes all marked miscelaneous, and it's become so overwhelming, they open the phone book and look under organizing services. And ta-da, there I am.

I dig them out—sort through the 30 boxes and install a multi-tiered paperflow system to keep same thing from happening again. It used to be called an "in-box" but is vertical, instead of horizontal and has at least six compartments with category designated labels personalized for each client. There, now you know this insider secret and inspired by this cautionary tale, can just make one yourself and save beaucoup bucks.

riese said...

carlytron: i'm in instant admiration of yr listening skills, particularly because my other interns seem to lack the close attention that you dedicate to every task that crosses your desk. however, the problem with the crosstown bus is that it's 'round rush hour, and the crosstown bus at rush hour is arguably slower than walking and less comfortable than living in a meat locker.

ak, I think I have one of those things and I'm using it to throw stuff on. I can't believe there are professional organizers. I need one like WHOA.

And you can use sock puppets. Use, abuse, explore, etc.

I actually have a section in my book about "Boy-Crazy Stacey," one of the first books in the BSC series. I purchased "Kristy's Great Idea" from a thrift store for like, 10 cents, recently, to jog my memory, as these girls were like, my fake best friends. I even joined their mail-order club, which'd send me books and a newsletter, and probs stickers. Did they have a TV series, ever? I feel like they did, right? Hm...I just read an entire article on Sarah Polley that failed to mention she was the star of the Ramona Series TV show, so maybe I lived in a weird alternate universe.

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