Sunday Top Ten: The Unpaid Internship You've Waited All Your Life For

I've decided instead of [or "in addition to"] getting a job, I'm going to GIVE a job. Like reverse Christmas, if Christmas was a day for getting jobs. If you think about it, a job's a lot like a Christmas present. For example: today [Sunday], it's unlikely I'll receive either a job or a present. I'd post an a "Job-Giving" ad on craigslist, but I can't afford that, I have children's mouths to feed and/or gloss.

This job is an unpaid internship but there's hope for advancement into the highest ring of angels around heaven. That's also unpaid, but it's really fun: 'cause angels can fly, they get special missions and never spill marinara sauce on their outfits, like I do when I wear white.

As you can see on this blog, my life's a laugh-a-minute AND a dynamic, fast-paced, detail-oriented, team-playered work environment. I go out all the time, party all night long, drink like a fish, sleep 'til nine a.m. and read a lot. [That's a joke, p.s., for those of you just tuning in. Except I do read a lot and sleep 'til nine a.m.] E.G. right now I'm reading Ovid's The Art of Love, which--speaking of presents--was a present from TB. So far, the narrator's ripped out his married girlfriend's hair [cause she dyed it, as I plan to do within the next 72 hours], impregnated his girlfriend's maid and then delivered a harsh missive regarding his ire over the maid's self-administered abortion. In the introduction, Ovid's described as "romantic to the core."

Here are the top ten requirements of this job.

SUNDAY TOP TEN:
BECAUSE WHEN YOU FIND A JOB YOU LOVE, YOU NEVER WORK A DAY IN YOUR LIFE.

10. GOOD LISTENER

This's the most important part of the job. I've got some people who already do this, including my trusty/patient shrink, but I feel I'll be exhausting their resources soon enough and could use some administrative support, if you will. And, re: my shrink--she's on the Upper East Side and I'm in West Harlem, so I gotta subway downtown before going uptown, which's maddening. I've got a return-trip routine though: purchase latte, crank up sad crazy music [I have a "crazy" playlist on my ipod], muse over all the ways I could improve my life but probably won't, because instead I'm sitting on the Q train going downtown instead of uptown in order to confront Times Square EXACTLY at rush-hour [1 transfer]. I learned two days ago, however, that Grand Central at rush hour's way worse, it's the scariest thing I've seen since Willow.

9. CERTIFIED HAIR COLORIST, STYLIST AND NAIL TECHNICIAN.

This duty's only quarterly. One of those times'll inevitably be a massive hair color fuck-up, self administered by myself at an inane hour of night, likely while intoxicated. (SEE PHOTO, RIGHT, which depicts "STAGE ONE" of "When I dyed my hair black and then red, and then blonde/orange '03") (SEE ALSO post DETAILING last year's hair-dye fiasco ) Following my inevitable success/fortune, this duty'll be taken over by Rachel, via private plane.

8. 2-3 YEARS EXPERIENCE READING NEWSPAPERS/PLAYING PARTY GAMES.

It'd be nice if you could put together a daily skit regarding the day's headlines and perform it for me as I enjoy my morning Kashi. Actually, you could switch it up every day: straight delivery, interpretive dance, musical number or perhaps even Charades! I'd be like: "20 civilians dead! 200 ? Shot civilians praying? --oh! Soldiers! School children?! Innocent bystanders in Idaho? Tornado?!!! Okay--that's close though--okay--hurricane? Apocalyptic mass extinction? There's a new family movie coming soon to a theater near me?"

7. COPY-EDITING AND WORD-COUNT-REDUCING ABILITIES

TB already does this, but she's not an unpaid intern, she's my love-slave. Giddy-up! In any event, I'm looking to redistribute this particular labor in the near future and remove some of the load from TB's proverbial back, so please know MLA/Whatever grammar real good, especially: the difference between "that" and "which," "its" and "it's" and when to say "___ and I" or "me and ____." Ability to transform a 5,000-word essay into an 800-word essay is a bonus and will result in a salary double.

6. REGULATION-READY APPEARANCE, SUPER-HUMAN STRENGTH, SUPER-POWERS

You can't be any geek off the street, gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep! Regulators! Mount up!
-Warren G

Right now, there's 5-6 humans outside on the street yelling like wild hooligans. Now--my Mom kicked me out of my home for blowing bubbles in my milk many-a-time, but that's no excuse to be yelling silly things into the night air when I'm upstairs having important thoughts. I need someone to regulate on their asses. Also, I'd like someone with one or more of the following super-powers: Seeing Through Walls, Precognition, Cross-Dimensional Awareness, Zach Morris Time Freeze, Flying, Spider-Vision, Telekinesis, Ability to Teach Public School in a Low-Income District, Go-Go Gadget 'Brella.

Seriously though for those of you familiar with the Go-Go Gadget 'Brella and the recent onslaught of random-ass NYC rainstorms, you know how kickass that would be. The guy on the corner'd be like: Five dollah! And you'd be like, ziiiippppppiddiiii

5. SEWER AND OR/TAILOR

Most of my clothes are within the $5-$30 price range, which means they fall apart more-or-less instantly. I noticed Krista¹ often got her pants hemmed, though, which's when I realized that people my age get their clothes fixed instead of just stuffing them in the closet for whenever they learn how to fix stuff so it don't split open no more. I don't need hemming though, I need hole-fixing and lengthening, if possible. I've had this pair of Abercrombie jeans since '03 that recently earned a hole in the ass, and I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I think maybe no-one'll notice if I just don't stand up, or something?

4. PERSONABLE, PROFESSIONAL PHONE-CALLER

For starters, call the dentist: I haven't been to the dentist since that blizzard during Winter Break '04, when Mom put Lewis² and I up in a motel right next to a dentist office. There was no Internet. So what did we do instead? Well, I'd tell you, but Mom would probably email me about it, and then call me, and since I haven't filled this position yet, who'd call her back? That's right: no-one. There was a little gym in the motel, which was nice. I'd run on the treadmill like a little bunny and watch movies on the teevee, but if I ran too fast, I couldn't hear the teevee, so I'd have to slow down. It was very frustrating. Sometimes I'd go to the lobby and argue with the guy about how internet works, and Lewis'd get very indignant about the misleading sign claiming "free internet-wireless" or what have you. We tried to get some money back. For Mom, obvs.

So anyhow: Dentist. I brush my teeth approx. 20 times a day, which's why I have toothbrushes all over this city. Actually, I did make a dentist appointment a few months ago, but apparently the free insurance I'm scamming off the government had already picked a dentist for me in East Harlem, where I lived ten gazillion years ago. So you'd have to hunt that down, then call.

My Mom. Natalie, Krista, Direct-TV probs, Aunt, Grandparents, Cousin-who-just-had-baby, Noah, and Visa, because I think they're scamming me on the APR.

3. MULE-ING EXPERIENCE

Mostly, you'll be required to tote groceries [I haven't found a grocery store in this 'hood, which means I've been living on pasta/Ragu and peanut-butter-crackers from CVS], alcohol, and my lap-top. See, not so bad. Not like actual mules, who have to carry ten pounds of bananas through the desert in Mexico or Egypt or whatever.

2. HOME REPAIR AND MAINTENANCE

First order of business is getting rid of the bars on my window and installing the oft-mentioned air conditioner.

Also, I've got this problem with my bed that I've had for a few years now: I keep an additional comforter between my mattress and the fitted sheet for extra comfort, but this also puts strain on the fitted sheet's ability to stay put, especially during "special" activities, e.g. sex. As soon as I note the fitted sheet coming undone, my anxiety level skyrockets and it's all I can think about: must fix sheet, must fix sheet. I've been known to interrupt activities to fix the sheet, and also to demand "off the bed!" immediately following said activities to re-position the sheet as quickly as possible. I've solved this problem by nailing my fitted sheet to the mattress, but now there's multiple holes in fitted-sheet-corners. There must be a better way. Please fix.

Also: cleaning. I like cleaning sometimes, but not all the time. I like things being clean though. I hate my room being dirty. This's one of many things I will be talking to you about, see Job Requirement #10: The Futile Process of Discussing Why Riese Doesn't Fix Things That Drive Her Crazy, e.g. my room being disorganized.

1. CREATIVE THINKER WITH GOOD IDEAS

Like, what should number one be on this Top Ten? That's your job interview question. At The Olive Garden³ they asked me what I would tell the guest if their food was taking forever, and I said I'd tell them that the kitchen staff was fucking up and I was annoyed with them, too, pass the buck, kiddos!, and they still hired me. So, no pressure.

---

¹: Krista. Sisters since we were made suitemates at Interlochen (boarding school) in 1997. Lived together in East Harlem. Currently painfully far away at Yale.
²: Lewis. My younger brother. Lives in New Orleans. OMG!!! Yes. He was also living there during Katrina, but he got out just fine.
³: When I was 18, no-one would hire me w/o waitressing experience, so I got a job at The OG in Times Square, 'cause they have training/brainwashing there, so it doesn't matter how inexperienced you are. I talk about it a lot, so I'm glad I worked there. It's great anecdotal material.