Sunday, October 01, 2006

Yom Kippur Top 10: On Sunday I Made Amends of All of My Mistakes

I had a fairly solid blog-post-plan for tonight until I noticed the Jews everywhere and then I remembered that Yom Kippur starts tonight and then I remembered that I am Jewish and then I thought, well, my friends like being in my blog, so I bet God would like it too! So I decided to kill two birds with one stone (JK! No killing, God, don't worry! I know thou shalt not kill, etc.) and do my Top Ten about Repentance.

TOP TEN THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO REPENT FOR

Conveniently enough, The Ten Commandments has the same amount of items on it as a Top Ten List. So I just figured I'd go through those and, you know, repent or whatever for the commandments that I broke.

10. You Shall Have No Other G-ds Before Me.Um, I know that Susan Powter might come off as being a little bit abrasive, but I really think that you and her could work together, which would make her not necessarily "before" you, but "with" you. You know?

9. You Shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your G-d
Unfortunately, on this blog alone, which really only accounts for about .005% of my discourse, I've used 'Goddamn' in 11 posts, "Oh My God" in 3 posts, "Omigod" in 2 posts, and perhaps the greatest sin of all: "OMG" in six posts. Whoops!

8. Remember the Sabbath, and keep it holy...
Yeah. If by "holy" you mean "drunk," "asleep," or "hanging out with Haviland," or, perhaps "taking a lot of drugs and cleaning the apartment" (as I often did in East Harlem), then I'm Holier than the Holy-Land. But I don't think that's what he meant.

7. Honor your father and your mother.
OK, this is kinda loaded. Obvs I honor my father, he is no longer with us, and so I honor him every single moment of my life, except when I am doing bad things (see "8"), although, actually, my Dad also liked drinking, and probably would have also enjoyed hanging out with Haviland, so go back to "honor him every single moment of my life." As for my Mum...I was a bit cranky in NOLA when I was cold and didn't have shoes (sorry!) ... but I actually remembered her birthday this year HOLLA!!

6. You Shall Not Make For Yourself an Idol
Hey, do you remember Captain Planet? That show was AWESOME.

5. You Shall Not Murder
I'm like, more or less, a total angel.

4. You Shall Not Commit Adultery
Side bonus to "not doing relationships" this year: totally exempt from extra opps to sin.

3. You Shall Not Steal
I take towels from New York Sports Club. And I've been using someone else's conditioner all week. And I've sometimes taken a little buffet from my Mom's medicine cabinet just to see what's going on in the world of medicine. (Lewis does it too!) Actually, I ended up giving the Xanax to someone who needed it (after having it for about a year, I realized there was not a moment EVER when I wished for less stress, because I think stress is what drives the monkeys to SUCCEED!), which is TZEDAKAH!

2. You Shall Not Covet Your Neighbor's Wife
We don't even have neighbors, but I know what he/she means, and therefore I'd like to ask the following people for their forgiveness: Kevin Federline.

1. You Shall Not Covet Your Neighbor's House
I live in New York City. I expect to be coveting my neighbor's house until I:
a) move to a J-or-G-only accessible neighborhood where I'm surrounded by other houses that are just as crap as my own.
b) become one of those crazy spiritual people who don't feel cold and can stand in the same position all day, like the Falun Dafa guy in the Diag at U-Mich, but like, in New York.
c) go blind
d) go crazy one day in Rite-Aid and light the world on fire so that there are no houses anymore
e) find inner peace
f) move into this fabulous building, which just-so-happens to be right 'round the corner at 455 Central Park West (yup, that would be my neighbor, Mr. Rogers):

Okay! Amen, etc.

12 comments:

Z. Madison said...

mazel tov! :)

steph said...

I must confess I used someone's facial products when I stayed over. It was an emergency! And you know about the cookie.

marie lyn bernard said...

I forgive you for all your coveting. Yup. All of it. Mazel Tov, Amen, Baruch Atah Stephanie.

Considering you were there when I got my Chai tattoo, you witnessed my greatest sin yet (defilement of the body), but also no one follows that rule anymore and since it was a hebrew tattoo it's okay.

That statement was totally irrelevent and , I realize, a total tangent.

steph said...

so uh wanna like hang out tomorrow or wednesday? even if it just means i bring over wine or we do whatever leftover drugs are in peoples' cabinets?

Slinky Redfoot said...

how about the sin of looking cold as ice behind dark shades at the 23rd street stop in the subway?

marie lyn bernard said...

that is not a sin. that is pure beauty.

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Book Cannibal said...

This year, I attempted, for the first time ever, to fast for Yom Kippur. And that's how I found out that I have low blood sugar.

marie lyn bernard said...

Yeah, when I was a kid my Mom didn't let me fast cuz i needed food too often just to live. I did it like, twice, but those were both during phases where I was big on fasting anyhow.

Lewis Bernard said...

I never stole moms medicine, you know she counts her pills. Jasons on the other hand... What day is her b-day this year? Nov. 7 8 or 9? I can never remember. Keep checking that mailbox for an awesome non-perishable gift

marie lyn bernard said...

Yeah, but..if she counts them, I bet she thought that Jason took 'em.

See how smart I am?

I think it might be the 8th. Not the 7th. I know it's not the 7th.

Anonymous said...

"3. You Shall Not Steal
I take towels from New York Sports Club. And I've been using someone else's conditioner all week. And I've sometimes taken a little buffet from my Mom's medicine cabinet just to see what's going on in the world of medicine. (Lewis does it too!) Actually, I ended up giving the Xanax to someone who needed it (after having it for about a year, I realized there was not a moment EVER when I wished for less stress, because I think stress is what drives the monkeys to SUCCEED!), which is TZEDAKAH!"


I totally love steling meds from my mom.

I've always said, the best high is a government high!

BTW, I took the day off work to 'reflect' which pretty much amounted to surfing the net in my underwear and eating wraps in bed.