Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Night Starts Here: In the Flesh, Hustler Club, Shot of Love, Favor Club

I wrote this blog in pieces, subsequently demanding that y'all refresh 'til I finished 'cause I like to keep you on your toes, you know? Also, occasionally I like to keep you on the heels/balls of your feet, just to switch it up. Sometimes, I like you on your knees. Sometimes, I like you up against a wall, or bent over ... JK. Mostly, I like you right where you are: reading my blog.

So anyhow I've actually finished it now, and organised it in a way which is more aesthetically comfortable. Last night (Tuesday), I didn't finish it on account of being a monkey with Jell-O Pudding for Brains. I also said "I think I just took an Ambien but I'm not sure," and, in case you're wondering, and I know you are: I did.

I feel like "secrets" are the new "sex." Like how last week I said "lame" was the new "badass"? Y'know, the overload of sexual content in the media, which isn't bad for children or anything, it just takes away a lot of the mystery & discovery that makes sex interesting to begin with --- real secrets, naked humans, love, etc. [Pot, meet Kettle, Hi Pot.] I was thinking about that 'cause I was like, wow, this whole post is going to be sort of "sex-themed," I wonder if that'll inspire increased traffic and then I was like, "Nah, I doubt it, not like secrets do!"

Another cool part of secrets being the new sex is that sex used to be a secret. Simmer on that.

Topic: In the Flesh Reading.

Anyhow, speaking of speaking of sex, the video from the "In the Flesh" reading is now on RKB's YouTube channel! I clearly didn't locate the microphone until about 30 seconds in, so if at first you think you can't hear very well, stick with it, it gets better, I promise. Also, I think I get better as the reading goes on. Yup.
So, here's the links, it's in two parts:
Part One: New York I, New Jersey, Westchester, Astoria, the start of Williamsburg
Part Two: end of Williamsburg, East Village, Greenwich Village, Chelsea & The Meatpacking District, New York II

Topic: Our Trip to the Strip Club

Stef's recap is in CARTOONS, and hence far better than anything you'll read here. E.g., here's her picture of Lozo's lap dance. Note my facial expression. Srsly, something this amazing doesn't come along every day.
Also, now Lozo's written his recap, and honestly, I'm not lying, I LOLed like, way harder than I've LOLed at any blog entry I've ever read before.

12:36 P.M. , Monday, October 8th.

Lozo: I need to take a shower.
me: Yeah, so do I.
Lozo: I smell like stripper and subway
me: I feel covered in stripper.
me: JINX

Those are the matchbooks I took from the Hustler Club. Notice I'm wearing hangover shirt. Seriously,
I am ready to light the world on fire. Who's WITH ME?

i. I Can Jump Ship and Swim

So, on a scale of one to ten, my stomach totally hated me on Monday morning. It was like, "Really Riese, really?!!" One of the cute things I like to do in my eternal pursuit of Dying Young is pre-party. Like in college, when it usually involved more than one person, e.g., Natalie and I doing shots of Raspberry Stoli [out of coffee mugs cause no one'd done the dishes in 30 years], employing orange slices as chasers because not one of the 8 girls we lived with consumed liquid calories. Soooo anyway [I love the way Jonathan Ames says "anyway" when he's reading his audiobook. Seriously, it's the cutest thing ever, it makes me wanna be his wife or live-in companion of some sort], when I got home Sunday night @4 A.M., totes ready for dinner, I opened the fridge and found a 35% full wine bottle, implying that I'd consumed 65% of the bottle (more than "one drink") prior to departure. I was like "oh, fuck."

Anyway [anyway!, aw, Jonathan Ames], that's fine. Luckily I'm very smooth/slick, or else I've developed quite a tolerance, as I still felt relatively sober when I arrived at THE HAWAIIAN TROPIC ZONE, where Lozo & Stef were already enjoying some pre-party drinks.

ii. In the Zone

If Lozo'd been standing up, I woulda come up behind him and tried to pull his pants off, just to set it up right away that we're all friends here who can jokingly remove each other's clothing if they want to. Unfortunately, he was sitting.

Sidenote: I'm not lying when I say I've been a little weird/agoraphobic lately ... I've been staying in lately and I felt like a Brave New Girl going out into the world, like Britney. I had a discussion with Shy, one of our strip-club compadres, re: What a Hot Album That Is, especially for working out. Anyway [hmmm ... ], I've gotta say that this place defo made me feel good about re-entering the world. I mean, Times Square, that's the center of New York City and the capital of the world! [Innermost circle of hell] I LOVE people, seriously.

So, I know what you're all wondering. What's Lozo like in 3-D?

That picture isn't from Sunday night, I just found it on Lozo's myspace.

Well, let me tell you this: he has a very nice shoulder. Also, he informed me within ten minutes of my arrival that his latest blog post, when he left home, had amassed 47 comments and would possibly exceed 50 that same evening.

Also, he watches sports both on his blog and in 3-D. Luckily for his sports-fan contingency, television monitors displaying various sporting events graced the walls of all our testosterone-oriented establishments, including the Hawaiian Tropic Zone. If naked ladies aren't enough for you, there is also The Yankees. So he didn't miss a thing, like Aeorosmith.

The uniforms at HTZ: bikini tops and tiny skirts. That made me uncomfortable for them, which was a bit disheartening re: how I'd handle the rest of the night.

Michele, a.k.a. RocketDyke, and her friend Shy, [Sounds like a stripper name kinda, yeah? Well, he's not a stripper, the strippers are later in this story] joined us at HTZ. Anyhow, Shy wasn't shy, he & Michele were both awesome. Before their arrival, I'd said: "No rocket scientist jokes, you guys," 'cause of her commenter-name, rocketdyke. I thought that was pretty clever. See, I was clearly sober.

Then, skies opened up, lights flashed, and girls in bikinis began parading on an above-bar catwalk: AMAZING apparently there's a nighty beauty pagaent at HTZ. We had a plethora of laughs at their expense--the only hot girl was #13. She was dumb though, she said "I'm lucky number 13!" which isn't true, 13 is an UNlucky number. All the girls had tattoos and bellybutton rings. So do I, but less slutty. Not that there's anything wrong with sluts, there totes isn't, I'm just explaining that I have a different "look," so to speak.

I enjoyed an overpriced glass of tonic water, topped off with a small splash of vodka.

iii. Some Conversation Topics I Remember:

1. Someone asked why Lozo used the name Lozo on his blog and I was like, "Because that's his last name," and everyone was like "NOOOO it isn't." It isn't, "LOZO" stands for Legend Of Zelda Online, actually. JK. It's his last name. One of the evening's finest running jokes was that 'Lozo' is short for Lozostien or Lozo'grady or something. Get it? Funny, right? I know. We're funny in 3-D too. I'm bad at recapping actual events in my life, can I make a list or something, or tell you what happened on the teevee? [UPDATE: This is now a list.]

2. I feel like I kept referencing The Office, 'cause I hadn't sat down & watched it 'til Saturday night, when Jim & Pam made me believe in love. It's such a funny show, seriously. Very smart.

3. Lozo wanted to know how to pronounce the word "obvs," and wanted to hear me use "probs'll" in conversation.

4. Someone asked: "Is this weird?" Personally, I didn't feel weird at all. I dunno, maybe I'm not as awkward as I think I am. I rarely feel weird. I AM weird. Feeling weird would just be repetitive.

5. Lozo told me he was 6'3: "I'm just throwin' it out there." And I was like "BACK OFF!" JK. That didn't happen.

Let me tell you a little something, grasshopper, about the internets. In the past four months, I've met two new people with whom I am quite funny. If you've ever had the pleasure of Riese & Carly's company, you know that we're really remarkably funny as a duo. That's one of our selling points, in fact, re: teevee show. Also, now it's been confirmed that Lozo & I are also funny. Not Riese & Carly funny, but funny. Also, I've just met him, things could get more or less funny.

Anyhow, this would be an advantage to meeting people through blogs -- you can usually gather from someone's internets self-presentations if their jokes are gonna jive with something intangible deep inside your snarky soul. So, there. That's one. Also; Stef is the only living soul who's had the pleasure of hanging out with both of the aforementioned match-ups, which makes her the luckiest person on the whole planet.

We hit up another bar to amp up the pre-stripper likkeration via shots of Maker's Mark. It was fierce. Then we headed to the West Side Highway, like a band of wild hooligans.

iv. She Can Pop It, She Can Lock It

Haviland's been to The Hustler Club "a few times" and apparently endorsed it to Stef. Therefore, because Haviland's my BFF and a Rising Star and an expert on half-naked ladies, we went to The Hustler Club which employs, apparently, only skinny perky-breasted girls w/significant quadriceps. They wear dangerously high heels and grind against patrons half-naked, hoping to sell dances, like Yankees game vendors, except they're vending their bodies. Most patrons were male, but there were a lot of lesbians on Sunday night, probs 'cause Sunday's no-cover night and lesbians are cheap. JK, they just don't like paying for naked girls to dance on them. Still though: fun, yay, girls, dancing, gymnastics, etc.

Good choice for "first time," howevs, probs too classy for me. Next time, I wanna go somewhere that doesn't try so hard: deviants doing crazy shit, trashy lunatics galore, chaos, yelling/screaming -- general grit and swarthy underside of life shit. I mean, if I'm gonna step into the Dark Side, I'd like it to be seriously Dark, not some cartoon plastic version of darkness. This red plastic ring on my new shelf [uncovered during furniture moveathon] was an engagement ring stand-in from T[]B[], not from Count Chocula, you know? I don't fuck around.

We enjoyed a variety of activities: arts & crafts, canoeing, lanyards, and hopscotch. In our downtime, we busied ourselves ascertaining which tits were real & which were fake. I kept asking people about Perky & Punctual, but no one knew what I was talking about. That was a little frustrating, but fine.

So: THESE GIRLS CAN DO GYMNASTICS. Dude, this is SERIOUS. Like, I wanna learn to do all of those tricks. In general, it seemed the girls were totes getting a good workout & that's good, very empowering. Seriously, I want very badly to go off into feminist theory, get all Carol Queeny or something right now, but I won't.

vi. Are You a Playa?

I kept thinking about that episode of The L Word[Episode 202, entitled "Lapdance"] in fact, when they take Tina to the strip club and Alice comments that Tina's stripper looks like Bette, which's funny, because obvs she doesn't: she's simply ambiguously ethnic w/long dark hair, like many females do. A cocktail waitress asks Shane if she's a "player," which's awesome. Happens to me all the time.

Anyhow, wouldn't it be awesome if strip clubs had a method of finding dancers who looked just like your ex? I mean, who doesn't want to re-visit getting their heart torn out, but in a safe and fun environment like a strip-club? Yeah?

"I am not getting a lap dance. If you buy me a lap dance, I will get super uncomfortable on 100 different levels/positions and make everyone feel weird. FYI. Don't do it. I beg of you." -Me

A lot of girls tried to sell us dances, though we looked much less monied than many other patrons. One smokin' hot Asian girl Leiliani (that's what Lozo thinks her name was] wouldn't take no for an answer: she sat on Shy for a bit 'til she realised he wasn't gonna go for it, then hopped on Lozo--also uninvited, but he didn't seem to mind. I couldn't look--I just told Stef to relay via facial expressions what exactly was goin' down. I felt like it was a private moment beween Lozo and Leiliquia and I didn't want to, you know, watch. Plus, she looked a little bit like my ex.

So, anyway, Lozo is deaf in one ear. If you add up all his disabilities, it's almost like Boxing Helena. It's okay. I love Twinkies.

Leliwaka sorta talked like a cheerleader, like she was gonna be like "Hey! Ready to strip! LEETSS GO!!" She had a deep-ish voice. I like that in a woman. [Really, I do.] How do I know all this? Because she was forced upon me by my "friend" Lozo. I mean that in all possible permutations of the word "friend."

Leilianahaha shared the following tasty tidbits of information with me:
-"I love dancing for girls. Girls are easy to dance for, I love girls."
-"I love girls."
-"You have a really good body, I can tell."
-"I love girls."
-"Private rooms upstairs are [massive amount of money I don't have, totes tuned out] and [something else I can't afford] is [another massive amount]."

Stef said the look on my face was "priceless." Howevs, there was a price, luckily I wasn't the one paying it. There are def. worse things in the world than a beautiful half-naked girl grinding her ass between your legs with her tits in your face. But I just can't buy into it, and I've got this problem with all salespeople -- I'm always trying to engage the bill collectors in conversations about their lives. I'm like "Let's cut the crap and get real."

Anyhow, Michele told the strippers that we knew each other from blogs. Lozo & I decided it would be much cooler if we were twins who knew each other from the womb, but Raven stopped believing us when we disagreed over who was born first.

We closed the bar down, made out, and walked Lozo to the PATH train. It was all just kinda funny, yeah? It was funny. Maybe it was what I needed.

Topic: A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila

I figured this show was a strong sign of the apocalypse and the eventual destruction and complete moral bankruptcy of the entire country, guaranteed to be chock-full of bikini-clad trashwhores and bisexual stereotypes. I figured clearly I could remedy its evil by recapping it. The first ten minutes were so offensive to bisexuals I had to leave the room, Zoey and I were stunned. It was like watching a bunch of dumb elephants: who cares if the elephant is hot and bisexual, what does that have to do with me?

Made me want to die. I don't mean that, not literally, don't panic. I would never do that. I love life. For example; I love flowers, sunshine, and hugs. Also I like scratch-and-smell stickers. Do they still make those?

So though I missed the first half, I caught the second half of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila at the gym on Wednesday (10-10) morning, because I was filled with multifarious energy of all emotional extremes and needed to run it out. Like walking it out, only faster, and worse for your knees.

Second half: way better than first ten minutes. Though she continued to say ridiculous things about men vs. women, everyone became so intensely ridiculous that the entire show reached farcical proportions possessing measurable entertainment value. Also, Tila's not as retarded as I thought. I could shoot the blonde girl who was like 'I don't get butch women, like, ew,' but I might never get that chance.

At the end, at the "big reveal" of her "big secret" (I'm A bisexual, as in "bisexual"=noun. WTF?), I found her choice of words alarming. "I've never told anyone this before ..." Except the producers of the show? Right?

The clips for the upcoming season -- AMAZING. This's going to be the best reality show of all time, and by that I mean the best/worst. Offensive, but then again, most television is offensive, it's just more innocuous.

Also: as one of the 60 gazillion lesbians/bisexuals who received the casting call for this show -- well. I'll talk about that later. They're tricky bastards, MTV. Also: Steffanie from Irvine, California? I have a feeling you're about to get kicked off the show. I want you to know you have a shot at love with me. JK. No one does, I'm an emotional basketcase obvs. JK. Ugh.

Topic: Natalie Needs a Job, Tara [D] Needs a Roommate.

My friends think that my blog is like craigslist sorta. The thing is, a lot more people read craigslist than my blog. In any event:

1. Natalie needs a job. She's very beautiful and can do gymnastics. Also, she has great breasts. No seriously, she's really smart, has a Masters in Policy and Philosophy or something something from the London School of Economics and a B.A in Psych and Women's Studies from The University of Michigan and a lot of experience in non-profits and also was a paralegal and worked at the gardening store. Her first job was at the Dunkin Donuts in Cleveland, Ohio, when she was 14. There she is! See:

2. Tara [D] needs a roommate. She's very beautiful and can do lots of "gymnastics." Also, she has great breasts. She sent me the ad they posted on craigslist, but it's a little long, and I like to be brief here on this blog, so I've summarized it for you, and also just quoted it:
-Looking for a girl to move in ASAP to a Warlem apartment and split a huge walk-through double w/curtain currently dividing the room, though a temp wall is "def an option." Spacious apartment, beautiful hard-wood floors, white walls, large kitchen, living room, bathroom. Tara's a "down-to-earth, friendly, easy-going girl" and her two "flat-mates" are "independent, intelligent, hard-working and pretty much rock!" They're grad students/young professionals in their twenties who like to "have a good time" but also "take care of business." $700/month with one month's rent security deposit, utilities are extra and split between everyone, they've got wireless and SERIOUSLY EVERY TV CHANNEL THAT EXISTS. The best part is that there's a liquor store that delivers, a good deli with an ATM, right by the 1-9 and Columbia, and you'd get to hang out with memememememe. She'd like to add that they are "LGBT and cat friendly." If it wasn't for the cats and the fact that I've already got an apartment, I'd live there, no joke. Seriously though, you'll meet a lot of hot & fun girls if you live there, it's like, instant social heaven. Also they take care of business.
These are two of your potential roommates, Tara and Vicky:

If this post really was about the Yankees, it would have an opening paragraph much like the one I just read in the NY Times while waiting for my latte at Starbucks: "Everything changes. Things fall apart." [holla, Yeats by way of Achebe!] "For 12 seasons, there was sunshine on his shoulders. But now there is darkness ..."


frank said...

first man in. worst live-blogger ever.

DH said...

I'm disappointed that there are no photos of the night itself, but then I guess they probably don't let you take any huh.

Lucky number 13 sounds awesome, like as awesome as your slut disclaimer... looking forward to the rest of this.

riese said...

lozo: i'm the worst live-blogger ever, or you are?

crystal: luckily, sluts don't need disclaimers.

stef said...

your adsense is currently asking me to buy yankees tank tops. that may be the most relevant it has EVER been. it also recommends damn yankees dvds.

my friend lawrence recommended a different club for outing #2, but it's in tribeca and is probably full of totally creepy businessmen, like creepier than last night, creepier than lozo (kidding, lozo isn't creepy at all.. but i am).. maybe we should just say 'fuck it' and go to the bronx for real.

and the shots were maker's mark, and you only had one.

Adam Tiller said...

"if I'm gonna step into the Dark Side, I'd like it to be seriously Dark, not some cartoon plastic version of darkness. This red plastic ring on my new shelf [uncovered during furniture moveathon] was an engagement ring stand-in from T[]B[], not from Count Chocula, you know? I don't fuck around."

Riese...I say this with love...but you have got to be the weirdest human I know.

And by 'know' I mean 'on the internet'

and by 'know on the internet' I mean 'person whose blog I obsessively refresh in hopes that something awesome, like a coolkids strip-club outing recap, will bridge between now and sometime more fun.'

Also, the Count is way fucking hardcore. Don't play.

emily said...

random: I don't think I ever told you that I thought I saw you with a big group of friends in front of a liquor store in my neighborhood this summer. You and five girls - probably going to Columbia housing or something? You were sitting on the steps in front of the store writing busily in your journal and your friend was yelling at the store owner. I almost stopped to say hello but it seemed like some shit was going down. Also I wasn't totally sure it was you.
Unrelated: "significant quadriceps" is funny.

frank said...

beautiful blondes. just noticed that. thanks.

you need to hit publish after every thought you have. that's the key. it keeps the reader refreshing constantly.

p.s. i have to be awake in 6.5 hours to give blood and urine, and i'm leaving comments on blogs and making french fries.

p.p.s. sorry it took me so long to get off.

riese said...

stef: Dude, once AdSense told me about how to get a new passport in three days, it was amazing, as obvs I was complaining about it in an email. Also, my one-day post recommended that I let Jesus Save Me, or listen to God Prophets.

Ah yes, Maker's Mark. That was it.


adam: Riese...I say this with love...but you have got to be the weirdest human I know.

Made me LOL all the way through to still writing this.

I'll totes play the Count.


emily: I feel like I actually remember sitting outside a liquor store writing in my journal, oddly enough, on 125th, I think near claremont? I was probs w/talainy and everyone.

Or, if my friend was yelling at a store owner, it's possible it was not them but someone else ... like, we always hung out in the Columbia area all summer. You shoulda said haaaayyy

Hmmm ...

riese said...

lozo: you're welcome.

that would be a good blog subtitle: "i hit publish after every thought i have." but good idea, I don't know why I'm messing around with chunks. I should do my blogs one paragraph at a time. always. that would be awesome.

p.s. all of those things are awesome, i just had ramen.

p.p.s. it's okay, you know, it happens sometimes.

carlytron said...

I'm glad you're finally watching the Office. DUH.

I LOLed for reals like at Perky & Punctual. I loved that show.

kate said...

impressive story when you tell people that you beat your agoraphobia by going to a strip club. put that in your book.

i did gymnastics when i was small. the instructors used to push down on our heads until we could do the splits – it was brutal.

also, you should watch the uk version of the office. drier. funnier. that said, pam might be one of my most favourite characters, off anything, ever.

Bourbon said...

Yay for the pre-party! I don't get people who don't pre-party, I mean why be sober? Why be sober at all actually? Jk I know you should be sober to do stuff like drive, work and smoke weed.

If you're ever in Sydney and you stlll have that craving for some gritty, drug-addicted stripper action be sure to stop by the fine establishment known as "Porky's". It doesn't disappoint.

Jet said...

SO impressed with the reading!

Bridget said...

lol - no eggs out of the pussy or green phospho stars on your forehead?

in case u were 2 drunk :


i dunno what it is but Bridget & I do enjoy posting in tandem ...


riese said...

carlytron: I know. It's too bad you weren't there to do Office karaoke. And on the other side of the quality pond; thanks for always getting the references I make to truly terrible television shows.
kate: Oh, it's all going in the book. especially the part where I fall in love with a stripper. i read this book "little girls in pretty boxes" all about little gymnasts and how they get tourtured. It made me feel bad and I couldn't watch the olympics that year.
razia: I could not agree more. Well, I mean, I don't think you need to be sober to drink weed. If Porky's is anything like the movie porky's, well, then it'll be hot hot hot, I think.
bridget 1: thanks!
bridget 2: Oh I TOTES paid attention to that part of the reading, I even LOLed!

Marcia said...

Pre-party is the best part of the party! I totes carry a flask of whiskey in my purse for the ride over (tho obvs not if I'm driving).

I'll be refreshing this baby all day. Because I have nothing better to do! Ha, (un)lucky number 13.

Who do you think is darker? Count Chocula or the Count from Sesame Street? I'd probly say the Count, but that's only cuz muppets are sexy.

Adam Tiller said...

re: Count v. Count.

The Count believes in truth, educates the children (but not in a Michael way), and is obviously queer-friendly (should that be 'is queer-friendly, obvs'? any rate...hello, Bert & Ernie).

Count Chocula encourages children to defy their parents, indulges in sugar-related mischief, and pops his collar.

I stand by my earlier statement...Chocula is way fucking hardcore...the darkest of The Dark. He's so bad he even turns milk brown.

Marcia said...

Alright, the Count from Sesame is not dark, just cool. Re: Count Chocula... is popping your collar "dark"? I think not. I think he's just a chocolately emo vampire poser.

basia said...

a lot of lesbians i know pop their collars... so this kinda makes me think that count chocula is either a total dyke or a wannabe dyke. he also promotes an unhealthy diet and will be responsible for millions of children's type 2 diabetes. all in all, not v. hardcore.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

so i THOUGHT i read this post, and then i come back and theres like...a shitload more shit! ...i am on my toes like woah now, its like anythinggggg could happen! but hmm - im off to watch those youtube videos now!

Oo Lynnie oO said...

ps; go phillies even tho we already lost :(

we beat the mets tho! holla!

frank said...

if having a large penis and being devastatingly handsome are disabilities, then they should make Boxing Lozo. only the box will be something else entirely, if you get my drift. which you do. vagina. i'm talking about vagina.

riese said...

Lmc: the flask is a lovely, lovely thing.
Also, the Count from Sesame Street, because he's not trying to sell anything, he's just like, what's up, this is how to count. And p.s., I am dark.
adam: JK, lmc, I agree with Adam instead. Also, I love chocolate milk, and sugar-related mischief. Also, I pop my collar, and i'm totes dark.
basia: Count Chocula is mos def a dyke, and I love dykes.
ooo lynnie: You're right, anything could happen. I agree about the phillies.
lozo: If only you could box that up and sell it on the road, we'd be in business.

Marcia said...

All right, you guys win! I concede Count Chocula is a dark, collar-popping dyke.

DH said...

That show sounds awesome, you had me at trashwhore.

While you were dreaming of butterflies, I was having nightmares about the moths that have overrun sydney.

I've been writing this comment for about two hours and 39 minutes. Today's not a day for proactive multi-tasking. I need a lie down.

dorothy said...

OMG! Seriously this show! OMG! I can't figure out if I want to thank you for this or forget it ever happened.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. And on topic. Blog hustler. In an innocent sorta way. Obvs.

Anonymous said...

i'm missing my social 'heaven' :( seriously, if i wasn't stuck in frickin' medical school in frickin' philadelphia for the rest of the 'golden age of my young adult life' (introduction to clnical medicine p. 89 [no joke]) then i would def consider moving back in. or at least... the apartment next door. or something. wah. i mean, wee i'm going to be a doctor!!! weeeee. i mean... lol?

basia said...

LainyRae - i'm in med school too! (i read this blog in lectures instead of listening, coz like, whatevs, it's not like lives depend on me paying attention or anything). i wish i was in a place like philadelphia... i'm in a town of barely 100 000 ppl - there is NOTHING to do here, like, right now i am drunk and at the library, how lame is that... this city doesn't even have a gay bar. however, tegan & sara ARE playing here on thursday which is v. exciting...

Marcia said...

Wow. This Tila Tequila thing is probly the most offensive, not to mention most stupid, television show I've ever seen. My brain hurts. Why, why, why

frank said...

i can't believe you're leaving it on me for strip club details. for the record, i haven't written A word about it.

Rebecca Foster said...

Hey, so glad all y'all had a good time meeting up. Awesome. One of my good friends I met online in 1995 (!) when we both loved the X-Files and belonged to a message board. Old school! Ten years on, we're still friends. These are the parts where I think the internet is awesome.

I don't have cable so didn't catch the show. Glad to get the goods from you, I won't be checking it out anywhere.

Hope you have a great week! (And yeah, my 44oz Diet Coke just kicked in or something. I'm so cheery right now! Ahhh...drugs.)

Anonymous said...

"i think i just took an ambien, but i am not sure"

does this mean you took a pill and you didn't know what it was, or you don't remember if you took a pill at all? really, only you could say things like that.

Anonymous said...

SO offensive it travels all the way around to a place I've never seen before.

I did like when the girl said:

"This is like the real world on crack"

But then I realized...I love the real world. Dammit.

These shows don't so much seem offensive to bi-sexuals as much as they seem offensive to the human race.

Who am I kidding? I'll totally still watch it even while cringing.

Anonymous said...

also -- ri did you watch exes and oh's on logo? i thought that was the show you were talking about... about dying.. cause didn't it premiere on monday, too? confused. i don't have logo. cause i don't live in my social heaven (aka downunder) anymore. so i need... you.

Anonymous said...

double also ---

basia, heyy med school buddy!! you're right, sounds like philly wins compared to your... bleakness. :) how's it going? do you hate anatomy as much as i do? oy.

Anonymous said...

Ok, three things...

1) I'm telling you and everyone that reads this just because I want to tell as many people as I can.......I got SPICE GIRLS tickets!!!! And I'm not ashamed to admit I'm excited!

2) The reading was awesome, and a lot better to hear you reading it aloud rather than me just reading it in my head. However...I'm annoyed at where the clip ends, like I know its the end of the reading but I wanted to hear the applause, I don’t know why I just did!

3)I don’t actually remember three, but when I started writing this comment, in between doing coursework, there were three things. I have a short memory If I remember ill leave another comment later

Now back to my geography coursework I fun fun!!!

asher said...

you'd think that as i finally join in the conversation (i've enjoyed reading your stuff for a while) it'd be something earth-shatteringly impressive. but no.

what gets me to finally speak? tila tequila. and the desire to share that i concur - steffanie is the only datable character on that show.

riese said...

lmc: You win some, you auto-loose some.
crystal:I LOLed at this comment the first and second times I read it. Just be sure to focus on career progression during your liedown.
dorothy: Thank me, obvs.
anonymous: There's nothing innocent about JT.
lainyrae: Your LOL made me LOL. There's a lot of gays in Philly ... could be worse. Could be like, Montana.
basia: Being drunk at the library is awesome.
lmc: i don't know, i don't know, i don't know.
lozo: yeah you have.
rebecca: I love that you mentioned The X-Files, and that you consider Diet Coke a drug.
cait: I didn't remember if I took a pill at all. This happens more than you might think. JK. Happens probs exactly as much as you do think.
christine: I loved when she said that about crack too, because I was like "stole the words right outta my mouth, baby." Agreed, re: human race.
lainyrae: I didn't see "Exes and Ohs" yet, but I will probs. There's a lot of double entendre potential with that "downunder," esp. followed by the needing of me.
dewey: If I had Spice Girls tickets, I'd scream about it too. I'd scream like Scary spice on the cover of that album whree she's screaming.
asher: Affirming my opinion, re: steffanie, is a totes valid first comment, obvs.

dorothy said...

FYI- The highlight of Exes and Ohs- "The Beever Cafe" equals their version of "The Planet."

basia said...

i love that line about the yankees at the end - it's completely how i feel at the end of every hockey season when my team gets eliminated. it's like, you feel eviscerated and everything in life that ever meant anything is now bleak and hollow and you're not really sure how you will ever pick up the pieces, and you SWEAR never to get emotionally involved with the team again because it's just TOO painful... but next season comes and there you are, completely vulnerable and so deeply invested once again because you REALLY believe that this time, this time it will happen, this is the season, this is the one... sports are serious shit, y'all.

lainy - i'm on year 2, so far so good... right now we're doing 8 weeks of neuro and it makes me wanna stick sharp things in my eyes (esp the anatomy/neuro pathways parts)... do people ever ask u if you "wanna play doctor"? i get asked that ALL the time....

Jaime said...

I think it says (bad) things about my (abysmal) self-esteem that the stories of the strip club adventure basically leave me with the conclusion that not only would my love-life be more successful if I were gay, but I'd do better with straight guys, too.

Marcia said...

I did watch the rest, and you're right, it does get, not better or less offensive but... more addictive/cracky/deliciously horrible.

Steffanie was hot. I kinda liked the firefighter, too... um, Dani?

If you get a shooting party rounded up to go for that blonde girl, I would def join in.

stef said...

brian eno, eating a quarter pounder with cheese. maybe. my friend has a dog and his name is eno.

i was gonna comment about the path security guard dude busting in on our menage a trois with lozo in the 33rd street path station and telling us to get a room, but it wasn't that funny. maybe i should just draw a stick figure portrait.

re: achebe (this is so random), i went to high school with his granddaughter. she was the first person to ever tell me i was 'off the chain,' i remember this clearly.

why am i even commenting? i don't know. idk my bff rose. whatever.

Anonymous said...

i love all the title changes, reminds me of- twat: the night and stars!