The Ghosts of Christmas Past

I was writing this blog about Christmas Specials, and how I'd like my life to be like one. But now instead I'm sitting here in my Mom's office/my temporary sleeping quarters comparing my fingerprints to my baby fingerprints, photo-boothing and subsequently photo-shopping/poem-ing important documents, making tea and eating Hanukkah cookies like cookie monster.

I arrived at JFK Airport on Saturday afternoon at 3 P.M. for the 4:10 flight they swore was not delayed. Then they started delaying it. Then they delayed it more. And more ... and more ... I reached this room, my final destination, at about 6AM on Sunday morning. You can imagine how excited I was about this, and furthermore, my Mom let me sleep today unitl 5 P.M. It's like I have jet lag. Also it's embarrassing to say I slept 'til 5 P.M. Like I guess the day is over now, I missed it.

This is what happens to me in a house late at night when there's not a drop to drink and my system has lost track of the hours. I look for things I shouldn't look for and try to find things I shouldn't see. I wanted to find my birth certificate since I need to get a new passport, and my copy's gone, but I couldn't find it. But I did find my father's death certificate. An old passport where my brother looks confused & innocent and my mother looks young and ready for Europe. I don't know where she was actually going, I'm just telling you what she looked ready for.

A letter my grandmother wrote to her son. Handwritten four pages and it could break your heart I swear it.I don't know if she wrote it before or after he died, I really can't tell what the occasion was: Once I lay in labor clutching friendly hands, and breathing deeply and yearning for the end; when the fog lifted, a small form lay in my arms and it was my day. A hundred nights I went to your cradle and touched your warm body. You stood in your crib and reached for a sunbeam.

Anyhow it's this stuff that always makes it hard to be here. Not here -- it's not hard to be here here, in Michigan. I know how to be here and be aware of that stuff at the same time. This is where our lives went on, after all, this is where we continued, afterwards, to live. Ohio is still the place we are connected to through him, and we haven't had enough time practicing how to go on when other things keep happening , too, but i guess that's how time works. Time and families.

But Ohio is where we go from here for Christmas, to see my father's family. It was weird at first to go without my mother, then it was weird to go without my father, then it was weird to go without my father's girlfriend because then we were going just me and lewis, two angry annoying orphans fighting about music in a car not suited for the winter weather.

Because Crystal thought Ohio was actually IN Michigan, let me explain before I venture even further into my holiday stories -- I'm from the state of Michigan, this is where I grew up and it's where my Moms live. My Dad's family is the Quaker side, he's from Ohio a different state, located below Michigan. My Dad didn't ever live there as an adult, he lived in Michigan with us. Lately the routine's been that I go to Michigan from NYC to see my Moms, and then my brother and I drive to Ohio, and then I go back to NYC.

When we were kids, we'd all go down to Ohio together as a four-person family and it was a big deal. I couldn't hardly wait! It's not like that anymore. A lot of things are different now obvs and though the holiday season is allegedly about joy & family & togetherness & consumerism, after this weekend's snowpocalypse and my personal Delta Airlnes trauma I've re-determined that it's actually about Family-Focussed Masochism. Why do we insist upon gathering during this specific December week rather than, say, during a nice temperate week in September or May? 'Cause of Jesus? Obvs I think Jesus was awesome and etc but I feel like if he was still alive, he'd probs be in Zimbabwe feeding the hungry, or in Boca with Mary-Mag eating KFC. Next year in Jerusalem kthx.

Anyhow, though I generally avoid excessive nostalgia for youth & childhood -- though I'm actually petrified of it -- it's infected me every Christmas since '95, in different ways. People age and get sick, people have secrets, people have messed up, people don't show up, and all the trying is hard. Flying is hard, trying is hard. I get sort of tense and moody and closed-off and there's lots of slush and we don't go sledding anymore and I snap at people and wish I could go to the gym and I miss New York. What I'm saying is that it's my fault, but it's hard to figure out how to actively contribute to the positive energy of a situation while simultaneously refusing to reveal your actual self to anyone in the room.

I do love these people. I love them, wholly and completely, and they are my family, and they are the only ones who have been around all this time, though less often now. I love them absolutely and love to see them. But the weight of the holiday and the travel arrangements we must make to make it happen and the money that's to be spent when everyone is short ... I just wish we could have a picnic in June and go boat riding and call it a day, a good family gathering. We do well at weddings. Someone needs to get married again. I vote "not it."

I totes yearn for a time, that long-ago time, when making puffy-painted sweatshirts as gifts, playing an insipid game for bad chocolate with a wooden spin-top, eating lots of potato products, making paper dolls with my cousins and relishing my father's attention during the two weeks he was actually off work and not on a business trip was the cat's meow. And I don't even like cats. So you know I'm serious if I'm bringing up kittens in a positive context.

I have a new idea I'm going to instate next year to bring the spirit of Christmas back into our lives but adult-like. Doing things the same way we used to do them but as adults can be slightly humiliating, like wearing pants that don't fit anymore. I guess the number one "new adult way to celebrate' is "drinking excessively and discussing the calorie content of pumpkin pie." Hm. I like giving gifts though.

Anyhow enough of my rambling. Tomorrow I'll do a proper Sunday Top Ten, all about Christmas Specials. What are your favorites? Let me know!

What I'm digging right now:
The West Wing: In Excelsis Dio, Christmas with Jed Bartlet, Christmas Cards
Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special
My So Called Life Episode 15 - Angels
The Office: Secret Santa Christmas Special , Jim Wraps Dwights Desk in Gift-Wrap
Arrested Development's Afternoon Delight
Charlie Brown Christmas and
of course our favorite A Very Brady Christmas

I want to listen to Ave Maria again and lie down on the couch. It's cold here so I need a lot of layers, I sleep like a marshmallow man. I'm safe underneath all the layers and portable too, and when I close my eyes I can be anywhere.

Open Letter to The Future: You've Got Your Whole Life to Lose, Let's Auto-win Some!

I have some ideas about the future. Welcome to a special edition of the Carousel of Progress.

So I get it, I read the news, we're apparently facing some kind of worldwide economic apocalypse. This all seems unreal to me, not 'cause I've been immune to its impact -- because trust me, my consistently near-empty pockets are particularly empty these days -- just 'cause the economy is a structure we set up, like ... as humans? Why'd we invent something so crummy, and why can't we take it back, like a broken toaster? "No thanks, we prefer the fire pit after all, works every time?" I'm down to hunt & gather.

I've been thinking about the future because:

a) I've been reading the answers to What's Your Dangerous Idea? ("The history of science is replete with discoveries that were considered socially, morally, or emotionally dangerous in their time ... What is your dangerous idea? An idea you think about (not necessarily one you originated) that is dangerous not because it is assumed to be false, but because it might be true?") the 2006 question posited by the Edge World Question Center to top scientists around the world.

b) Obama, the economy, the environment ... there's been a lot of talk lately about ... well ... what's gonna happen next.

c) I've been trying to think about the future in a real way lately now that I'm actively increasing rather than decreasing the probability that I'll be around for that much more of it. It's freaky, I don't even know if I love time travel anymore! I guess I only like backwards time travel. I just want to churn butter in my Little House on the Prairie, that's my true destiny in life.

I have some ideas about things I would like The Future to consider for our future.

Okay, dear the future here are some things I would like to see:

1. Factory: The Magazine: So OurChart's over, The L Word's almost over, so many magazines & newspapers are vanishing, and I feel many bloggers are losing steam or simply the time to do so much unpaid writing ... I feel now's the time for someone with a good voice -- hopeful but careful, snarky but tender, ridiculously mind-blowingly intelligent, quick, and clever, queer in sensibility, not gay but also not hetero-normative, not women-targeted but mostly women-staffed -- to emerge and start something really new and spectacular that actually takes prior internet-media lessons learned and applies all of them from the get-go. 'Cause here's what we've been left with: the surviving media is either sarcastic or old-school, the failing media ran the gamut but often was twitching for tradition, the mainstream sources remain as they've always been (dumb).

What about something that actually speaks our language? 'Cause we have one, and it's a little bit newer, but also kinda awesome, and valid. It's diverse and expresses itself in every format we can touch or see or find. We are infinite. I drove home listening to some of the songs we listened to those times when we were infinite.

2. I'd like for New York Sports Club to fix at least three of its machines at the 125th & Broadway location, e.g., the clanking ellipticals. The teevee audio & video is out of sync, the magazine rack's a mess, the seat of the ab machine always slides down, that girl in the yellow shorts needs to see an ED specialist and please for the love of G-d get someone at stall #3 in the ladies room STAT.

3. I'd like to finish writing this novel, or at least 50,000 words of it, by the end of the month of November.

4. It'd be neat to see a smooth transition from Obama's eighth year to Hillary's first, almost like something they'd just talked about the two of them, decided would be best, asked if that was okay with America, and calmly traded chairs.

5. The economic crisis should lead us to question our attachments to material goods and money. Capitalism isn't a religion, and advertising dictates desire dangerously.

We should begin thinking about embracing the DIY movement (thanks to a;ex for this article, @lifehacker: The "Greater Depression" can be a DIY Renissance). We should start making more stuff, and also stop judging one's employment potential by the amount charged to their credit card to buy the suit and the soft makeup for the interview. That's dumb. I really would be totally down with growing my own food, but I live in the city, although I'm getting a lemon tree soon so.

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6. I think books can make it. I think people who write books might have to respond -- as writers always have over the centuries -- to an audience who's taste and attention span has changed. We can produce novels that appeal to new readers without sacrificing intelligence or word count.

I think people are capable of reading a shit-ton of words, now more than ever. Book people need to realize that since paper is the big difference between online writing and books/magazines/newspapers, we should think about how to really sell & market the paper.

Part of our problem? There's too many books to choose from, and due to the mental engagement & silence & time required to read a book, no-one can read every book they want to read in one lifetime and therefore we can't produce infinite books like we do with teevee channels. We're printing too many books. A lot of them suck.

Independent presses are being drowned out by big presses who don't even have the time to focus on quality over quantity, and the reading public is suffering. We have self-publishing for people who can't find a major publisher for their work, so it's not that a shafted writer is left up shit creek without a (albeit not too cool) paddle. If it's that good, your self-published work'll emerge from the muck.

I think literature will survive everything that people are saying against it, but that also means we can't forget about literacy. We need to seriously work on literacy if we want people to read our books!!

So -- we focus on quality, literacy, making the internet work for us and not against us, incorporating new media and targeting different audience styles to our advantage. The independent presses can play that game too, just by promoting the quality-based system on a smaller revenue model.

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7. Pinkberry should bring back the coffee flavor, by popular demand (as you can see in the photo I will wait for ice cream). All grocery stores should carry Sausage & Cheese Breakfast LeanPockets, especially you, FreshDirect. It's not fair that I only know the calorie counts of corporate chain restaurants, you can't convince America that we can only rely on The Man to keep us healthy too and give us the numbers, make everyone do it. No no no. Also, I would like the world to be made of some combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

8. New books by: Lorrie Moore, Miranda July, Maggie Estep and Mary Gaitskill, New music from Uh Huh Her and no more re-runs of Intervention, just new episodes, thanks.

9. I think that Haviland Stillwell should be in "The Farm" which'll reveal itself to be secretly totally awesome. So far it looks kinda weird, like Bad Girls. But whatevs, last time we stole a British queer show concept (Queer as Folk) it turned out a lot better than our own.

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10. I'd like a publisher or magazine to commission me to do a year-long project in which I approach, as a journalist, taking on the jobs of people who I think are bad at their jobs. Like I bitch about Duane Reade but if I worked there, would I be any better? Not like Nickel & Dimed, this'll be more about how we assess service and performance in others than about socioeconomic realities for women.

It would be a 12-month thing and each month I'd have to try to get a job and then work the job at:

1. Time Warner Customer Service
2. 125th & Lennox Starbucks
3. Duane Reade
4. The U.S Postal Service
5. New York Sports Club
6. the editor of an online magazine that will not be named
7. President of the United States George W. Bush
8. Head writer for The L Word
9. The Manicure Lady
10. the pantry chef at The Macaroni Grill I worked at for three years
11. a receptionist at the Ryan Center on 96th street
12. my 10th grade English teacher

And I'd open talking about my ire for said worker of said job and then find out like, well, wtf, could I do any better? You know? I wonder if it'd be harder to be Time Warner Customer Service than it would be to re-design OurChart (that's not the online magazine I refer to, but you know?).

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11. Also I think Prop 8 should be overturned and gay marraige legalized nationwide.

Okay, thanks for listening to my ideas. Let's get going to the Invention Convention! Bring legos and fruit punch please, thanks!

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xoxo
autowin.

And they were all in pointed hats, caught in a rebel birthday shout

Hello! Today is John Coltrane's 27th birthday and today I turn 62, which means I'm officially old enough to get into Cedar Point, roller coaster capital of the world, for only $19.99, and order from the Senior Menu at Bob Evans Restaurant. Clearly a road trip to Ohio is in order.

Last year, for my 26th birthday, I was in a bit of a "state" which inspired me to shun all my friends' offers for traditionally exciting birthday activities in favor of spending the day walking from South Street Seaport to Harlem by myself while listening to a rape memoir on audiobook. It was very cathartic, all my friends thought I was crazy (true) and when I got back home, Haviland brought me soft-serve and we had a platonic sleepover, one of our top ten favorite activities. This year she won't be here, 'cause she's in Los Angeles, did you see her in her cute green dress at the Heroes red carpet thing on NBC tonight? We did!

This year I have nowhere to walk to or from, this year I am what I am and who knows what will happen besides of course the Early Bird special, dinner and drunkathon with my friends and some preventative botox. For the incredibly compelling recap of everything I've ever done on my birthday ever, check out this post from last year.

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I hope to receive some anti-aging products from Oil of Olay to keep my thighs perky and punctual because speaking of the days of the year -- this Sunday I'll be participating in a photo shoot for the Sex Blogger Calendar. That's right, I'm gonna be in not one but TWO calendars next year, like the song "Calendar Girl," June, July, August, September, October, I'm alive!

This is the part where I provide an enticing and sexy blurb on my blog about the Sex Blogger Calendar. Howevs, like most things I'm involved in where I was invited by anyone besides Haviland, I'm not 100% sure why I've been asked to participate (which makes it even more exciting!) probs because of Tinkerbell, who btw is really excited and has lots of outfits picked out. She's a natural. Despite my relative certainty that perhaps they meant to ask someone else, I'm super pumped about doing it FOR REAL! Yay! I just hope all the other girls are nice to me, and no-one asks me if I actually blog about sex. It's being sponsored by Eden Fantasies so I hope to get a free dildo or something. Probs not, but maybe I can just touch one.

Furthermore, apparently all my co-models (inlcuding Waking Vixen who hosted that sex panel I was on for her book Naked on the Internet, RKB who hosts that reading series I did and edited that book I was in, Jayme Waxman who is awesome, Sugarbutch who is a famous lesbian blogger that I demolished in the lesbian blog contest and Lux Alwayshasanewlastname who was also on the sex panel with me) all have burlesque costumes (the required dress code) handy ... I kinda don't, and it'd seem American Apparel boy-briefs are not appropriate for burlesque. I've had three alternative costume ideas so far:

1. Burlesque in Winter (intended to cover as much of my body as possible)
2. Little Edie does Burlesque (an excuse to pull out the American flags and do the flag dance, because I love freedom)
3. Recreating the famous K.D. Lang/Cindy Crawford Vanity Fair photo-shoot with a burlesque twist. I'd get a hot wig and play Cindy Crawford and Sugarbutch could be K.D. Lang.++
++This is what I'm supposed to tell you about the calendar: "Twelve of NYC’s most dynamic literary and sex positive women -writers, sex educators, film makers, and ordinary women - are joining together in order to support Audacia Ray’s Sex Work Awareness Project. We are some of the New York area’s best and brightest, and we want to see the stigma associated with sex work and workers removed.

In our limited edition 2009 calendar we will be “taking if off” at the Slipper Room. All profits from the sale of this calendar will go directly to Sex Work Awareness. The poses will be fun and flirty and burlesque themed, with no graphic nudity. Think costumes, corsets, pasties and g-strings.

Stacie Joy, whose specialty is burlesque and New York nightlife, is our amazing photographer. We also have the cooperation of two wonderful graphic designers, Sinclair and Jack, working together to make this project a smashing success."

Then I'll tell you that you can sponsor this project by purchasing a "day" on the calendar or other advertising opps which are all described here and are very reasonably priced and you should do it, especially you Lozo. Obviously you will be buying the calendar, unless I look fat or chinless in the picture, in which case I will pretend like it never happened.

That being said, I obviously am a huge advocate for Sex Workers Rights and have a lot of things to say on that topic ... and I'll share all of my feelings as the project goes on ... perhaps after I find an outfit that doesn't make me look like a 12-year old boy. It's gonna be hot and fun and I'm really looking forward to Sunday, 'cause I like having other people do my makeup and play with my hair.

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What do I want for my birthday? Well, the right answer is that I don't want anything. Besides Egyptian Cotton sheets, an apartment, world peace, love, Barack Obama for President and for everyone to be nice to everyone forever. I want so many things.

Tinkerbell wants cash money, Obama wants your support, and I want y'all to participate in the book club discussion if you read the book. But you can participate even if you didn't read the book, since not reading the book is a metaphor for how you probably really feel, which's that you read the book.

See you on the Raptor!! Wheeee!! (a Raptor, FYI, is a rollercoaster, which is a metaphor for how I feel about life, because of my Mom, who birthed me 72 years ago in a wagon down by the river, like Moses.)
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Young Haviland & her brother wish Riese a Time Travel Happy Birthday!
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The book club discussion will keep on going in the post below, so hop to it, kiddos, and I will too.

i've seen the worst of you too: auto fun of the day 9.12.2008

[david bicho]

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quote: "the greatest lie of all is the feeling of firmness beneath our feet. we are at our most honest when we are lost." (kierkegaard)

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links: [I think every time I do auto-fun, I will personally implore you to read one of these links regardless of how you think you might feel about it. this time, it's number 7.]
1. mostly i am excited to hear about the heartbreak and hardships: tila tequila don't work right. (@fourfour)
2. "There is no negotiating with insomnia — you are at the mercy of your brain’s whims, like a pregnant vegetarian who finds herself eating slices of bologna slathered in jam": jessica cutler'strouble sleeping? read insomniac. (@the smart set)
3. holler j-beals: top ten sex scenes involving food (@nerve.com)
4. the sixty-day war: with one hastily made decision, john mccain upended the presidential race. an investigation of the bloody new political realities. (@nymag)
5. i knew it! talking is good; too much talking may not be: adolescent girls are totally talking like way too much -- "the term researchers use is “co-rumination” to describe frequently or obsessively discussing the same problem ... it has intensified significantly with e-mail, text messaging, instant messaging and Facebook. And in certain cases it can spin into a potentially contagious and unhealthy emotional angst, experts say." (@nytimes)
6. i didn't actually read this, but adam, maybe you will: over my dead body (@n+1)
7. i will forever remain faithful: how lil wayne helped me survive my first year teaching new orleans (@oxford american)
8. re: dream house ... decorating with books. (a bunch of links @bookslut)
9. fragments from palin! the musical (@mcsweeny's)
10. what makes people vote Republican? (@the edge)
11. the many faces of sarah palin! including the vlog! (@wired)

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insomnia poem #13

remember when i used to sit alone
in my room all night
alone
i mean it i could write and write
riding a spaceship of dark cave and starlight
alone

the first rule of autowin club is
don't talk about bliss or
you'll knock it right over.

the second rule is
alone is the new multiplication
see: it's more, not less.
double the me, double the auto-fun
girl why don't you run

i used to like going to sleep before you
and waking up to hear about what i'd written
the night before
like maybe you'd read it
before i did
like you knew about me
before i knew about me
like time travel, which i love
and also doves
seem like nice birds

speaking of birds when i was a kid
i'd make lewis play pretend with me
we were birds, our nest a trampoline
you know
a place to feed and sleep and care
and by that i mean
a place to bounce
a place to flounce
a place to fly

what i mean is
i think i confused
home
with jumping

alone.

What You See is YES WE CAN: "Vote Autowin in '94" VIDEO! Flannel, Flannel Everywhere!

If there was a ride at Disneyworld called "The 1994 Experience" or "Carousel of Progress to 1994," we could all time travel to 1994 and then I'd totally win the Hot Blogger Contest, 'cause that's the year I wore headgear and a lot of flannel. Also, I LOVE time travel. If you haven't voted for me yet, what are you waiting for?! Don't you believe in freedom? Actually, looking back on the 26 prestigious years of my life, I think I probs looked the worst between '93-'96. When I'm a senior citizen, it's likely I'll look like Dorothy from Golden Girls (on account of my towering amazonian stature), which'll be depressing, so then I'm gonna OD on Vioxx and die beautiful like Kurt Cobain. See, I kinda just brought it back around.

See, I could pack right now, or get my life together or cry violently, but why do that when I could campaign? I love campaigning! So many fleetingly imperative blogging contests to auto-win, so little time! Maybe I should put my actual banner back up. Actually the problem now is that I can't find my actual banner anywhere on my hard drive.

Anyhow! I'm short on time, so I decided that 'cause I'd already begun making a tribute to 1994 video for part two of the "Back in the 90's" Top Ten, I could easily transform that artistic masterpiece into my campaign video! Obvs I was inspired by Obama tonight, YES WE CAN! Also I especially liked Barney Smith. That man is gonna be a star like Haviland.

The picture is smashed or something. Much like life itself, I can't seem to make this work. I'm aiming for the Top 40, like Casey Casum! Click out to the youtube page to see it in high quality. Also when you are in the male section, obvs vote for Atherton.

Sunday Top Ten: Way Back in the 90's, PART ONE

Prior to 2003, my little brother (Year Of Birth: 1984) was the youngest person alive. In '03, my boyfriend (YOB: 1983 -- alarmingly young, and the only youngster I'd ever dated) cheated on me with an '87-born girl who sported the AIM handle "AllyBoo," making HER the youngest person alive. Now, thanks to the internets, I know many young people, and it is a truth universally acknowledged that A;ex/Semicolon (YOB:1985555) is now the youngest person alive. I'd like to cite Stef, who recently addressed a young commenter (who didn't know about 'zines) with this: "Your profile says you were born in 1987, making you even younger than semicolon, so maybe you missed out on the golden age of the 'zine."

It's mind-boggling; all these young people who missed so many important things by only a few years. Change moves quickly these days, and Hav & I (high school class of '99) find even our Class of '01 friends don't know much about Angela Chase. Heartbreaking. Unfortunately, VH1's premature nostalgia ejaculations have covered our exclusive 90's nostalgia territory before we could -- not that I've seen 'em, but you know how I love reading about teevee.

See, I'm [really thinking about] packing [for moving] right now, which makes this week a prime-time for time travel, as I'm [sure I'll be] stumbling upon massive amounts of shit from the 90's that I've still got around. Why do I keep these things? I don't know. I mean! 'Cause I'll need this stuff when I write my book! And 'cause one day this photo of Claire Danes from Seventeen will be worth millions on the 'bay! I'm gonna do this in two parts. The second part is also exciting.

Sunday Top Ten PART ONE of TWO: Things From the 90's You Should Know About

10. Sassy Magazine

Last month I read How Sassy Changed my Life, it was a delightful trip down memory lane to the little teen dream magazine that couldn't. Sassy, designed to emulate the more subversive tone employed by Australian teen magazines, launched in 1989 and was a godsend to alternateen girls all over the nation. Drawing on an audience who felt alienated by the aggressive heterosexuality and blatant appearance-based commercialism exuded by women's magazines like Seventeen, Teen, YM and Mademoiselle, Sassy was ripped mercilessly from our tender teenaged hands in 1996, therefore creating the alienation that lead us all to do drugs, become gay and recycle. There's been nothing quite like it since -- though props to JANE (founded in '97, folded in '07) and ElleGirl (founded in '01, folded in '06) for trying.

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9. The Aerosmith Alicia Silverstone Music Video Trifecta

Ostensibly, these videos were about a very hot heterosexual girl (Alicia Silverstone) driven to desperate measures (usually involving desert landscapes, babydoll dresses, boots and convertibles) by bad bad bad bad boys. Secretly, all these videos were about the intense burning lesbian love affair between Alicia Silverstone (Clueless) and Liv Tyler (Empire Records ... also, she's Steven Tyler's daughter). Alicia's first boyfriend (Cryin') drives her to fake her own suicide attempt, her second (Amazin') prematurely ejaculates and plays too many video games.

Which brings me to "Crazy." Can I call Alicia "Leesh"? Okay, I will. I can best explain the plot of "Crazy" to you IN RHYME/poem form. Or you can watch the video itself.

Crazy:
Leesh & Liv are too cool for school
little bitty plaid skirt shimmy out the window,
baby you can sleep while I ditch the sweater
'cause two girls with the top down is better.

Worldwide seduction tour, the wide world's free
shades at our fingers, pump up the car, look at me
if you can't beat 'em, you'll undress while I take their money.

Aerosmith likes its men perpetually thirteen & on bended knee
all wanting and objectifying every shiny-haired woman they see
I spy a young supple maiden in a short skirt & wisp of tiny tee
public display of patriarchal longing, I got a sinker if you've got a hook
[or a breathy screaming line] but who cares!? I mean, just look
at the way they look
at each other.

Leesh is in drag; suit tie & hat
Liv's stripping in white shiny pants
they win the contest, ditch the boys, hop on the bed,
drive through endless fields, sky kisses heads
sun-streaked skin and sex, money laughs, hair dashes,
baby you can rock while I roll.

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7. 'Zines

'Zines, obvs: I've said enough about 'zines this week (in honour of our first auto-win zine). Howevs, the Auto-Insomnia 'zine is way better than my first attempt at 'zining in 1997. The contents of Lunette included an investigation of the word "fake," a story called "How Drinking Ruined our Clique," a My So-Called Life drinking game, my brother's column about life in middle school, suggestions of "What to Do When You're Bored" (e.g., go putt putt golfing, drive way out of town and find a restaurant you've never been to and eat there, go to the top of the parking structure & spit on people), photos from our trip Mexico, The Boy Hall of Fame (two friends and Gabriel Dameon from Newsies), and my favorite part -- "Our Research Project": "Since Marie has aol (America Online) and can type really fast, we went online and asked a gazillion people what they thought about teenagers. Only a few people were willing to talk to us though. If you want to email any of these people, don't tell them where you got their names from, it's confidential." Questions included, "did you live a childhood of innocence?" and "what do you think of The Spice Girls?"

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6. My So-Called Life

It's really hard to communicate with people who've not seen this show. They cannot understand the depth & importance of statements like: "I just love the way he leans," and "you're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you." Luckily fourfour breaks it all down for you in this video. Howevs, if we're going to be friends in any meaningful way, just rent the DVDs, they only had one season, it's not gonna take forever. The cancellation of MSCL was our generation's Vietnam.

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5. So, Back to UsUsUs

I believe the world can be divided into three kinds of people:
1. People who didn't get braces 'cause they didn't need 'em.
2. People who had braces for 2.5 or more years. (me)
2a. and headgear, rubber bands, etc.
3. People who had braces for less than 2.5 years.

Do kids still get braces? Are they clear? I don't know what's going on in the world anymore.

Anyhow, whether you did or didn't get braces -- if you're a blogger or a reader and you've got a photo of yourself modeling through any of the days between '94 and '97, e-mail it to me, tell me your commenter name (if you have one) or blog name and you just may appear in Segment Two of the Sunday Top Ten: Way Back in the 90's.
For Installment One of "Back in the 90's" I present THE AUTO-CREW!
sans Haviland, who claims she has no photos of herself taken
between her early youth and 2005.
Suspiciously, neither did The Girl on the Milk Carton.
No but really I'd like to bring this back around to why it's a good thing I cart everything with me everywhere, 'cause you never know when your BFF is gonna request an old photo of you from the 90's.

+

Send your 1994, 1995, 1996 or 1997 photos to marielyn176@gmail.com.

autoerotic asphyxifunction negative 9 days from september 1st

Tinkerbell says: "Hi. This is Tinkerbell. This is the best 'zine I've ever read." ++Firstly, I'd like to share something very important with y'all. Someone inquired about our employment of the word "excitant." This word will become very important to you in approximately 1-3 months. I can't tell you why. But! Grasshopper, let me tell you where it comes from. In order to do this, we must "time travel" (if you will) to January 11th. 'Twas a younger time of cold snow-showers, multiple birthday parties, extensive L Word recaps, and many feelings. You remember. You were there, unless you're Bernie Mac or something ... well, I guess he was there, he's just not HERE to remember it. Anyhow, it wasn't that long ago. Okey dokey. ONWARD!

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Jan. 11th, 2008 From: Isabella To: Marielyn176

Hi, Marielyn

first of all compliment for the realization of this wonderful site.

I have discovered only 2 days ago and i have already read all about it.

The L world is amazing, well done, for me it rappresents freedom,love and friendship.

On the other side, the Lworld treats very important and realistic themes like homosexuality and adoption, but

otherwise it became at the same time funny, crazy and excitant.

I want to thank you for all news about the locations, the shooting, and news about Jennifer Beals I already found in.

I love her and the way she acts is fantastic and also all the cast of Lworld.

Thank you for your time...

I hope to receive some yours

Have a good 2008 and good luck for all....

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From: Marielyn176 To: Caitlin, Alex, Carly Fw: Congratulation!!!... I love freedom, love and friendship too!!!!

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From: Carly To: Riese, Caitlin, Alex Re: FW: Congratulation!!!... You seriously get the bessst emailsss. This is so great. Just curious, though ... what news about the locations, the shooting, and the Jennifer Beals are you giving out on your wonderful site, and where can I discover it too? I hope to receive some yours xoxo gossip girl

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From: Caitlin To: Carly, Riese, Alex Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!... excitant? is that a new word or like exciting and excellent morphed. clearly she has a lot of feelings.

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From: Riese To: Caitlin, Carly, Alex Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!... carly - i think i keep this information in the same place where I store my records of kate moening's comings-and-goings. cait- I like "rappresent." It's like a combination of rapping and representing, and I don't think I can do it because I'm white. alex- hi the way you all act is fantastic, xoxo gossip girl

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From: Alex To: Carly, Caitlin, Riese Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!... I can't believe you never told me where Jennifer Beals was. Isabella knows and I don't?!? Why don't you ask one of your other girlfriends!? ...and also the cast of the Lworld. Marielyn... hi

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From: Caitlin To: Carly, Riese, Alex Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!... i think actually the last line is the best. i hope to get some yours? really what does that even mean? clearly i am starting an l world blog immediately i need more emails like this in my life. maybe she's not even watching the same show as us, i mean she calls it the l world and says it's amazing, obvs she's confused on many levels.

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From: Carly To: Caitlin, Riese, Alex Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!... obvs confused, fully. maybe she was watching flashdance?

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From: Riese To: Carly, Caitlin, Alex Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!... Personally, I'm worried about the shooting. Is it going to be like the finale of Season Two of South of Nowhere? Also homosexuality is a lot of things, but it is definitely not realistic. Maybe she's talking about "The Anniversary Party"? Did you see that? Where everyone does acid or E or something and runs around in the bushes by the pool? J-Beals and Alan Cummings are in it. I'd like to bring this back around to next week, where we'll all be high on something and dancing around the pool (sorta) (theoretically) I financed the hell out of this realization of this site!!!?!?!?!?!?! xoxo marielyn

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from: Carly to: Caitln, Alex, Riese Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!... financed the hell = easily one of my favorite things ever. i own the anniversary party and will bring it. i heart that film. - c.

---

So there you have it. Isabella is our national hero. Back to the 'zine. Alex Vega, Number One Critter, has crafted my late-night randomness into an actual work of art. Clearly the poems are jokes and no one "gets" them, but regardless it's a really sweet and well done personal object. We've enjoyed putting it together and we'd like to share that enjoyment with you. The 'zine is offered on a sliding scale in the Auto-Store. I know all about sliding scales from when I used to go to Planned Parenthood all the time before I turned 18. But that's another story for another day. If you're a late borner unaware of the 'zine "thing," I truly do implore you to check out the world of 'zining. I feel the zineiverse, and its involvement with the Riot Grrl movement, is one of the most important, revolutionary and genuinely earnest kickass networks/initiatives ever to come out of this heartless bankrupt world where Cherie Jaffee won't run off and live in a rank love nest with an assistant hairdresser who's barely got her foot in the door. You know?++ tinkerbell loves auto-zine ++ ++ gonzo = also loves auto-zine wonders when lozo is gonna come pick him up because he is a gift for lozo from disneyworld ++ these are GOLDEN. literally. ++ Want a 'zine? They're so hot! ++ Alex wants me to tell you it took her 1.5 hours to make four of these. It's like the bespoke suits I read about in Esquire. Also Big Time Out: You guys. If you want a 'zine and can't afford it, just go the $5 route ("for anyone who's ever purchased auto-gear ever" -- I'm not fact-checking here), which almost covers shipping and paper. If you need to pay by snail mail, that's fine, get in touch. If you can't afford $5, just like - talk to me. Clearly I'm not in the business of blogging, or bad teevee recapping, or really life in general, to make money. If you've been reading this for any length of time, you're aware that I'd rather be in massive debt, barely employed and san-savings account than ever for one moment be stingy, selfish or greedy. I think generosity is the most attractive quality a human being can have. I prefer the first amendment to a 401K and I'm fully aware that I'm first worldian and I could be living in a hut in any number of African countries inhabited by poor people forced to kill each other over t-shirts. Instead, I live in Harlem, where people shoot each other over sneakers and iPods.

Anyway, enough about me. Any writer can tell you that writing is not a capitalist sport. There's no money in this game. That's why I'm going to join the Belarus rhythmic gymnastic team. It's gonna be AWESOME. Also, Alex is moaning at me right now about how much work went into the 'zines and that I'm selling our product short by offering it to anyone on a sliding scale. Also she's probably realizing that I will never have a savings account 'cause as soon as I get money I want to somehow give it away, and this is probably a depressing prospect. Good point. If you can afford full cost, I promise you it's worth it. Really, I just want everyone to be happy. Really, that's all I want. I want peanut butter, the ability to pay my bills, and for everyone to be happy. Except Ann Coulter, I hope she gets hit by a bus. Also, it would be cool if everyone bought a 'zine so that I could have more money in the bank and therefore more time to do this for free. I have weird dreams all the time, my people tell me I am silly and hit me on the head. Then I'm like, "Ouch!"

---

quote: "I think the whole root of the matter lies in the fact that when a writer is young he feels somehow that what he is going to say is rather silly or obvious or commonplace, and then he tries to hide it under baroque ornament, under words taken from the seventeenth century writers; or, if not, and he sets out to be modern, then he does the contrary: he's inventing words all the time, or alluding to airplanes, railway trains, or the telegraph and telephone 'cause he's doing his best to be modern. Then as time goes on, one feels that one's ideas, good or bad, should be plainly expressed, because if you have an idea you must try to get that idea or feeling or that mood into the mind of the reader." (Jorge Luis Borges, Paris Review Interview)

---

links: 1. One of my favorite writers Rachel Shukert asks: Are Jews to Aquatics what African-Americans are to Basketball? (@jewcy) 2. n+1 ventures into new waters with an article acknowleding the existence of the working class: Take It to the Street (@n+1) 3. Um, so. AfterEllen, in their dogged pursuit of hiring brand -new people other than me, have a fashion blogger!: Styled Out: A Boy in Girls' Clothing (@afterellen) 4. Still stoked for the Cho Show! A Comic Seeks Herself and Finds a New Series (@nytimes) AND My favorite blogger fourfour interviewed her for vh1! Yay! (@fourfour). 5. Will the recession suck for artists too? Can the economy possibly suck any more than it already does for artists? YES! YES IT CAN!: The Future of Banks and Art Giving (@portfolio) 6. Two from the guardian book blogs: If 'lesbian author' gets me publicity, than so be it and How Bestsellers chart the state of nations (@the guardian uk) 7. This is the kind of thing I find ridiculously interesting: Skirting the Issues: What do September's fashion magazines tell us about the economy? (@slate) 8. Sex and the Olympic City:I played my first Games in Barcelona in 1992 and got laid more often in those two and a half weeks than in the rest of my life up to that point. (@the guardian uk) 9. Sorry I can't seem to not care about this and reaalllly especailly this!. 10. Look it's me and Caitlin's new apartment (@gizmodo)

Sunday Top Ten: I Used to be a Superhero, No One Could Touch Me, Not Even Myself

Google has many superpowers, like keeping track of everything I do. E.g., Google tells me I've apparently perused the wikipedia entry on superpowers many times, leading me to think, halfway through writing this week's Top Ten, "Omg, have I written on this topic already? Why have I already read this wikipedia page 10 times? Am I that interested in phasing through walls?"

So. A brief Autowin PSA (see what I did there? That's what Lozo does): Does this post feel familiar? If it does, you oughta lay off the pipe and/or you might be thinking about Channukisits Wish List Things I Can't Have Because They Don't Exist. This isn't that. This is SO different. When I wrote that, I'd never even seen Heroes. Though I'd heard plenty about it since Haviland talked about it constantly. Also; December's basically ten years ago, who knows what I wanted back then, probs an innocent youthful frivolity like Tickle Me Elmo. And coal, I always want coal and I never get it. It's kinda like how Claire Bennett is always asking people to shoot her in the head with a nail gun and they won't do it.

My friend asked me last week if I think it's possible for her to find a boyfriend who will be willing to smack her in the face & make her bleed during sex but also hold her hand at crosswalks and cuddle during teevee-time. Obvs I said the latter is part of someone's essential being and the former can be taught. Anyhow, if she had Regenerative powers like Claire Bennett it wouldn't be such a big deal. She could be like "See? my lip isn't busted anymore, time for muffins!"

Um, so guess what i discovered this week? Gawker Media has this i09 blog about Science Fiction and ... it's secretly like; the awesomest thing they've got going on over there. I'm really upset right now that Season Two of Heroes isn't out on DVD for another ten days, so I've only seen Season One.

Oh, also; when writing the Top Ten about Needing an Unpaid Intern, I requested the following in all applicants:

"One or more of the following super-powers: Seeing Through Walls, Precognition, Cross-Dimensional Awareness, Zach Morris Time Freeze, Flying, Spider-Vision, Telekinesis, Ability to Teach Public School in a Low-Income District, Go-Go Gadget 'Brella."

*

[colleen cunnigham ]

Wish List: TOP TEN SUPERPOWERS

The thing about superpowers is that we witness their application in extreme-stakes books/movies/tv shows/comics, so trying to think about how these powers would apply to my actual life isn't easy (though I think that's the point of Heroes, right? Like, let me light your cig with my finger, etc.?) And there's all kinds of powers that, when employed in everyday life, are sort of assclownish things to do; mind control, memory manipulation, etc. That's mean. Hiro wouldn't do that. He also wouldn't be invisible just to steal money.

Do you ever think about what your team's superpowers would really be in real life? I'd probs get telepathy 'cause I tend to know what people are thinking more often than most people. (or psychometry) (or automatic writing, 'cause of auto-win). Caitlin would get Claire Bennett healing powers or Peter Petrelli powers 'cause she can fix everything and make everything okay when we think our guts are bleeding or we've taken a sword to the soul, etc. Powers would be very useful now for her to get over The Plague. Haviland might get power bestowal (bringing out other people's latent powers) or shape-shifting 'cause of her supreme acting skills, A;ex would have her energy manipulation/conversion for bringing happiness & light into a room, thus warming its energy. Also eternal youth = A;ex. Natalie would have persuasion 'cause she charms everyone's pants off.

Questions like "What superpowers would my friends have?" are the questions you can ask yourself if you want to waste your life and squander the best most beautiful days of your maidenhood straight away. I know I do.

[gaston liberto]

10. Telepathy: When I was little/innocent, I wanted more than anything to read minds. I dreamt of a magic ticker w/red words that we'd wear like wristwatches to illustrate our companion's secret thoughts. Now I don't want telepathy. Now when I want to figure out what someone's thinking, I just write stories.

I learned my lesson well & young by doing what many wannabe mind-readers do -- reading journals. It's heartbreaking, actually, 'cause we've all got callousness underscoring expressed affections. I don't wanna know what anyone's thinking anymore. It'd be nice to have telepathy for lie-detecting, I guess, and in work situations to tailor my output. I guess I'd just have to be careful. Generally I feel that ignorance is bliss.

9. Flying: Does anyone know if you can wear a backpack while you're flying? Like if I wanted to go to L.A. to visit Haviland or go to Vegas to see Bette Midler, would I be able to take someone with me, a là Lois & Clark, or could I take a carry-on suitcase or duffel bag or something? Someone get back to me on this, thank you, pronto, Olympics Oshmylics. I can't travel without Caitlin and five v-neck t-shirts so I need to know ASAP thanks.

8.Technopathy: I'd have about 75% less mental breakdowns if, instead of having to call the Apple people & shell out $50 for them to tell me to control-alt-delete and then bring it to the store, I could just be like "Mac! Get your shit together!" Also, I'd like to be able to control ATM machines, it's so Tom Collins. And I could find Rovermom, track her down, and tell her I know that's not really her on her myspace profile, it's Alice.

7. Power Absorption: This works better if your peer group also has powers. But I'd settle for powers that are helpful, if not necessarily "super." Of all powers; infinity. Of all potential dwellings; sky. I'd like to pick up someone's social skills. Swimming is a thing I never mastered. It would've been easier if I had, and my basketball skills could help the Rockford Peaches win a game maybe, eventually. I'd stand next to LeBron James and just wait to dunk. I'd speak like Obama, make applesauce like my Mama, flip like Oksana. I'd also like to be able to speed-read like Caitlin and speak multiple languages.

6. Duplication: My Mom used to respond to many of my childish requests by saying "There's only one of me!", etc., 'cause I wanted her to do a lot of things, I was very into activities. I'd like there to be another me to visit Pathmark , do my laundry, call the dentist, stand in line to return things, and go to the post office. Hm, maybe all I need is an assistant, e.g., Monica Lewinsky or Jessica.

OK! Fine. I'd like the other me to handle unproductive emotions, too. It can sit in the dark, feel sad, watch Sugar Rush youtube videos, eat pizza in her underwear. She can scream at night to see if anyone can hear her. My replicant can face my fears for me. E.g., life.

6a.Temporal Duplication: I would like to see the old me. I mean all people really talk/write about is what we used to be like, what we might be like later on. I'm not certain the present is real. If I saw the old me on a street corner, I'd ask for directions. She'd lead me to an even younger me and then I could look at her and figure things out. Also I could get my 50 year old self back here and make sure all her organs are okay.

5. Enhanced Memory: I spend a lot of time looking things up. Like how superpowers work or what song lyric is running through my head. I also forget what people say and I forget what I read and I'd like to just be so super smart, I'd just remember all of it, every every minute! Even the hard parts. I feel like this could help my friends too, especially on their birthday. And y'all, 'cause I would've remembered Strunk & White.

4. Time Manipulation: See also; Zach Morris Timeout. You could use it when you need another minute. Then I'd never be late for anything. In matters of lateness, it is best to pick me up. If only I could fly or teleport. Superheroes bring themselves back around.

3. Mediumship: I could hang out with my Dad again forever. I could have dinner with Dana Fairbanks, River Phoenix, Oscar Wao, Andy & Edie, Strunk & White, Amelia Earhart, Lassie and Caroline Knapp. Also if someone needed a good band for their party and DJ Carlytron couldn't do it, I could be like "Hang on, I've got Elvis on line one," or whatever. Beethoven, The Four Tops, whatever it is you senior citizens are into these days.

2. Regenerative Power (healing): I'd like to fix people when they are hurt. I could walk with danger but never die, which's surprisingly relevant in Planet Harlem. At night, I could walk to Pathmark in boots and hot pants like a bat out of Sixth Avenue/hell and a bullet to my brain would be like a messy splinter. Then I could get my ice cream and go home, clickity-clack clickity-clap. Basically I could act in the city like I did when I was 18, which's to say = sans fear. Also if anyone else got hurt, I could fix them. Then I'd probs feel guilty that I wasn't always fixing people all the time and then I'd develop the most complex complex EVER! But it would be worth it to make everything better.

1. Teleportation: This is all I've ever wanted, ever, in my whole life. I think the best I'll do is a chauffeur. He'll drug me and throw me into a giant car and on the inside it'd feel like sleeping inside a giant slick shoe. Then he'd wake me up and deposit me. Everyone would be invited to travel with me. There will be champagne.

Also; as a side note, I used to get so jealous of kids in books who figured out how to turn their animals or toys to life, like Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") and the whole premise of Indian in the Cupboard. Actually I still am. I feel like Tinkerbell could hang out with me for the next 20 days or so.

OMG!!! I just had an amazing idea! What if The L Word spinoff was a sci-fi show? Firstly, Max could be whatever gender he/she wants. Secondly, Dana could come back and be the lead character and Shane's sexual prowess would be replaced by complete mind control powers and Jodi could dance even wearing a bed-sham when she can't hear the music.

++

Book Club #2 CONTEST: The Art of Auto-Winning is Not Hard to Master

Hi! Want a free book? Well, that's fine. Much like lunch, my least favorite meal, there is no such thing as free book. Books don't grow on trees.

For Oscar Wao, I made y'all email my brother birthday wishes, then mailed out two free book prizes -- one random, one merit-based. I have no birthdays to force you to participate in at this time, 'cause all my friends are Capricorns or Pisceses (how do you pluralize that word? Pisci?). Also I'm not Uh Huh Her, so I can't really make you run all over town drawing chalk pictures or whatever. Personally, I don't like chalk, it gets all over your hands and makes weird noises. Like men, kind of.

ANYHOW! If you want to nab a free copy of Auto-Win's next Book Club selection; Lying: A Memoir by Lauren Slater (I know I haven't responded to the comments on my last post yet but I will!) here's how to do it:

1. Link Drop FLIRT Street Team Contest
Hey, have you seen FLIRT! With Haviland Stillwell? Well, Hav & I are on a mission to make "FLIRT!'s Ro-Boat Super Special" the most viewed video of all time on Broadway World. That's because we reach for the stars/are insane.

How do you enter? It's easy and fast, like toast or a nymphomaniac.

-Go to a website you think attracts potential FLIRT fans (For example, links have already been dropped by self-motivated randoms on AfterEllen and R-Family message boards) and drop a link to this page -- in a comment, a post, a message board -- and feel free to be clever!

Here's the link:

http://www.broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=30707
OR
BWW TV: Travel and FLIRT with Haviland Stillwell on the 'R Family Cruise'

-To prove you did it, take a screenshot of the link you dropped, and email it to me at automatic_win@yahoo.com. In summary: Drop a link somewhere on the internets and you're automatically entered in a drawing to win a free copy of "LYING" and some auto-straddle stickers.

-If you're actually the operator/employee of a blog or website (e.g., if you are someone fabulous like Ariana Huffington, Lozo, Sloganx, the cast of The Office, Mrs. VH1 or Sarah Warn), you can just drop it there! Even if it's not Gizmodo or Post-Secret you'll still be in the raffle. Easy-peasy, we all auto-win!

-If you do something totally amazing (massive exposure, superb context of link drop) that blows me away I'll give you a free book. (e.g., a comment that accurately imitates the linguistic stylings of commenters who say things like: "omg haviland will u marry me i know im in ghana lol but this video is SOOOO HOTTT!!!" or whatever it is kids are saying these days).

OR

2. Auto-Gear
Anyone who orders auto-gear (Auto-Win Tank Tops, Really Papi t-shirts, Auto-Straddle briefs) over the next week will also get a free copy of "Lying."

This only applies to orders made on August 7th after this blog is posted. So RIGHT NOW. Until August 14th.

Also, re: Auto-Gear -- it has come to our collective attention that the "Really Papi? Really?" t-shirts are sized oddly. For example; I'm a thin lady but I'm most comfortable in a L or XL, though technically I can fit into a small. I just like shirts with some breathing room. So keep that in mind if you're reasonably sized, I'd buy a size larger than you normally get. It's SEXY! Also, Papi's coming back. FYI.

ALSO! Also. Don't pick the paying-for-stickers option, 'cause I'll send you those for free. Because unlike books, stickers DO grow on trees.