VOTE FOR HER RIGHT NOW, then read this, then go to her blog to read my contribution to "Stuff Lesbians Like" -- Bette & Tina.
As I've always done in the days of yore w/r/t Sunday Top Tens -- prior Guest Top 10s include my brother Lewis (Top 10 Life Lessons from the Lew-Man ), Natalie (Why New York is Better Than London ), TB (Why We Hope the Cliche's Sound: Opposites Attract ), Lozo (Top 11 from a Drunken Heterosexual Pinch-Hitter ) and Crystal (So She Comes From the Land Down Under : The Autowin American Experience) -- I completely slaughter and demean their hard work by interjecting what I believe to be my incredibly charming sidenotes.
Anyhow, so Grace has made an illustrated guide to the 10 Stages of Grief starring Alice Pieszecki. I'll amend this with examples from prior blog posts. Think of it as a trip down memory lane, where together we can remember all the fine personal moments we've shared today. My additions will be in red, coincidentally the color of blood.
Here's Grace!: Hello, Auto-winners. This is Auto-loser Grace Chu from Grace The Spot, who is guest-writing the Sunday Top 10 so that Riese may take a one-day break from being a cheese-eating surrender monkey. Instead, I will step into her Converses and
- prepare Grace The Spot's readers for the probable outcome of our
suicide mission againstlong-shot quest to unseat Dorothy Surrenders from her perch, and
- trigger AutoWin's readers' PTSD symptoms from their bruising attempt to do the same last year.
with helpful examples from the Autowin Personal Vaults.
"All day long it's been Monday. Perhaps you know this, perhaps calendars are an important part of your life. Chances are, you have been aware of Monday. Like the song "Manic Monday." Well, now it is 5:37 A.M. on Tuesday, so it's not Monday anymore. The point is that yesterday WAS Monday. But you wouldn't know that by speaking to me."
9. Emotional Releases - Cursing
"You Chorus of Cuntish Commenters [not my commenters, obvs], your twatiliciousness skyrockets."
8. Physical Manifestations - Loss of Lunch
"I've been a little feverish for a few days now. I might just be talking crazy. Life today isn't all that similar to life a week ago. Things keep happening that don't make sense, that seem wildly inappropriate, inspiring metaphors about being underwater and existing inside giant cottonballs. Yesterday: my head felt like the moment the jets turn off in a hot tub ... a durrrrring pool of disappointed/subdued dumb bare skin ... Yesterday I couldn't think/update (synonyms, maybe) 'cause it was my fourth morning running on no sleep..."
From October '08 : "And I'm Not Proud That Nothing Will Seem Easy About Me":
"I'm fighting competing urges to be productive or do all of the following things at once: lie on my couch, drink sweet wine out of the bottle, read Raymond Carver and watch Tegan & Sara."
"I think I've got Toxic Shock Syndrome in my heart."
"Why aren't we massively fabulous/acheiving our wildest dreams in life/writing and/or starring in The L Word? I feel like this question is probs inappropriate on a number of levels, including: totes biting the hands that [literally] feed and validate and agree with us, there are children starving AND un-fabulous all over the world ..."
From February '09: "The Medium is the Message":
"YouTube, I have one thing to say: fuck you, you carwash cunt. BAM! ROASTED."
From November '08 - "Obvs I Cannot Leave the Apartment Again Until December at the Earliest":
"I mean everyone should marry who they want to, and anyone who disagrees with me --- well, I hate you. If you voted Yes on Prop 8, I'm sorry, I just hate you!"
"I miss the night-fires, I miss the abandon and the rampant self-destruction. I miss knowing everything wasn't right but not caring because I was so alive, because it was so fun or so vivid or so full or because I hit the streets with all I had. I miss absolving myself of responsibility for myself. I miss the future we used to talk about with such generosity. I miss the stories we believed in and I want to write the ones we never told. I want so many things."
"The "T" Key is broken again. So is my soul. However, I have not jumped out the window or stopped using words with "T"s in them. You know what that's called? Inner strength. Know where I learned that? R&B/Hip-Hop, especially Beyonce."
2. New Patterns - Letting Go
From November '07 - "This Girl Called Automatic Weirdo":
"You guys should totes cry if you need to and laugh too. Life is really funny, seriously, have you ever seen it? It's fucking ridiculous and hilarious and random as hell. It's fucking tragic. So you know, like hang in there. I'm not gonna say it'll get better ... but it'll be an experience for sure."
1.Living with the Loss
"I would like to stare at some french fries, or possibly a large deep body of water, or possibly an island."
Comrades, brace yourselves for the worst. But hope for the best. Let’s make this dream a reality. First, vote This Girl Called Automatic Win Best Personal Blog in the Lezzys. This blog deserves an award already. Then when you have completed that righteous mission, vote Grace The Spot for Best Humor Blog (and if you don’t think we’re funny, you can make it an “ironic” vote). It would be presumptuous of me to ask you to vote for Grace The Spot as Best Entertainment Blog over Dorothy Surrenders, but if you take a couple of vodka shots before you do it, it won’t hurt as much.
Finally, since I am standing in Riese’s shoes for this post, please avenge her loss last year for Blog of the Year to Dorothy Surrenders by throwing Grace The Spot a vote for Blog of the Year this year. After letting this coveted prize slip out of its hands for a year, New York City shall rise like a phoenix from the ashes of defeat. Make it happen! EAST SIIIIDE!!! (Yes, I know the last time there was an epic East Coast vs. West Coast battle, Tupac and Biggie got shot, but, comrades, we cannot be paralyzed by the ghosts of the past. We must go on. Life must go on.)