Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Wednesday Top Ten with GUEST BLOGGER Grace the Spot

Helloooooo INTERNET! This is Riese. I did a post exchange with Grace Chu of Grace the Spot, who you really must vote for today when you are voting for me. Between you and me and everyone else reading this, Grace hasn't got a shot in hell for Best Overall or Best Culture/Entertainment, Dorothy 's got that shit in the bag. But! HUMOR! Vote Grace in for humor! As of 2pm on Wednesday she is only 15 votes behind!!! So if y'all vote her in for humor right now, then she could take it. Look, she even made me funny screencaps with Alice in them and worked super-hard to get this to me by Saturday night, only to see my incredible productivity delay publication 'til the very last minute.

VOTE FOR HER RIGHT NOW, then read this, then go to her blog to read my contribution to "Stuff Lesbians Like" -- Bette & Tina.

As I've always done in the days of yore w/r/t Sunday Top Tens -- prior Guest Top 10s include my brother Lewis (Top 10 Life Lessons from the Lew-Man ), Natalie (Why New York is Better Than London ), TB (Why We Hope the Cliche's Sound: Opposites Attract ), Lozo (Top 11 from a Drunken Heterosexual Pinch-Hitter ) and Crystal (So She Comes From the Land Down Under : The Autowin American Experience) -- I completely slaughter and demean their hard work by interjecting what I believe to be my incredibly charming sidenotes.

Anyhow, so Grace has made an illustrated guide to the 10 Stages of Grief starring Alice Pieszecki. I'll amend this with examples from prior blog posts. Think of it as a trip down memory lane, where together we can remember all the fine personal moments we've shared today. My additions will be in red, coincidentally the color of blood.

Here's Grace!: Hello, Auto-winners. This is Auto-loser Grace Chu from Grace The Spot, who is guest-writing the Sunday Top 10 so that Riese may take a one-day break from being a cheese-eating surrender monkey. Instead, I will step into her Converses and
  • prepare Grace The Spot's readers for the probable outcome of our suicide mission against long-shot quest to unseat Dorothy Surrenders from her perch, and
  • trigger AutoWin's readers' PTSD symptoms from their bruising attempt to do the same last year.

So, without further ado, here are the 10 Stages of Grief acted out by Alice Pieszecki
with helpful examples from the Autowin Personal Vaults.


10. Shock

From April '08- "The Kind of Girl Who Laughs and Says Get Up Off Your Knees":

"All day long it's been Monday. Perhaps you know this, perhaps calendars are an important part of your life. Chances are, you have been aware of Monday. Like the song "Manic Monday." Well, now it is 5:37 A.M. on Tuesday, so it's not Monday anymore. The point is that yesterday WAS Monday. But you wouldn't know that by speaking to me."

9. Emotional Releases - Cursing

E.g., June '08 - "I Wanted to Paint Nothing":

"You Chorus of Cuntish Commenters [not my commenters, obvs], your twatiliciousness skyrockets."

8. Physical Manifestations - Loss of Lunch

E.g., from April '08 - "A Silly Time To Learn To Swim":

"I've been a little feverish for a few days now. I might just be talking crazy. Life today isn't all that similar to life a week ago. Things keep happening that don't make sense, that seem wildly inappropriate, inspiring metaphors about being underwater and existing inside giant cottonballs. Yesterday: my head felt like the moment the jets turn off in a hot tub ... a durrrrring pool of disappointed/subdued dumb bare skin ... Yesterday I couldn't think/update (synonyms, maybe) 'cause it was my fourth morning running on no sleep..."

7. Depression

From October '08 : "And I'm Not Proud That Nothing Will Seem Easy About Me":

"I'm fighting competing urges to be productive or do all of the following things at once: lie on my couch, drink sweet wine out of the bottle, read Raymond Carver and watch Tegan & Sara."


From June '07: "Failed Attempt at Gay Pride Post"

"I think I've got Toxic Shock Syndrome in my heart."

6. Guilt

From October '08 - "I Refuse to Believe That It's Only Me Feeling":

"Why aren't we massively fabulous/acheiving our wildest dreams in life/writing and/or starring in The L Word? I feel like this question is probs inappropriate on a number of levels, including: totes biting the hands that [literally] feed and validate and agree with us, there are children starving AND un-fabulous all over the world ..."

5. Anger

From February '09: "The Medium is the Message":

"YouTube, I have one thing to say: fuck you, you carwash cunt. BAM! ROASTED."


From November '08 - "Obvs I Cannot Leave the Apartment Again Until December at the Earliest":

"I mean everyone should marry who they want to, and anyone who disagrees with me --- well, I hate you. If you voted Yes on Prop 8, I'm sorry, I just hate you!"

4. Idealism

From September '08 - "Sacred & On Fire":

"I miss the night-fires, I miss the abandon and the rampant self-destruction. I miss knowing everything wasn't right but not caring because I was so alive, because it was so fun or so vivid or so full or because I hit the streets with all I had. I miss absolving myself of responsibility for myself. I miss the future we used to talk about with such generosity. I miss the stories we believed in and I want to write the ones we never told. I want so many things."


From June '07 -"Top Ten Things Keeping Me On This Side of the Window this Week":

"The "T" Key is broken again. So is my soul. However, I have not jumped out the window or stopped using words with "T"s in them. You know what that's called? Inner strength. Know where I learned that? R&B/Hip-Hop, especially Beyonce."

2. New Patterns - Letting Go

From November '07 - "This Girl Called Automatic Weirdo":

"You guys should totes cry if you need to and laugh too. Life is really funny, seriously, have you ever seen it? It's fucking ridiculous and hilarious and random as hell. It's fucking tragic. So you know, like hang in there. I'm not gonna say it'll get better ... but it'll be an experience for sure."

1.Living with the Loss


From July '07- "Where Do Teleplays Come From? They Just Appear!":

"I would like to stare at some french fries, or possibly a large deep body of water, or possibly an island."

Comrades, brace yourselves for the worst. But hope for the best. Let’s make this dream a reality. First, vote This Girl Called Automatic Win Best Personal Blog in the Lezzys. This blog deserves an award already. Then when you have completed that righteous mission, vote Grace The Spot for Best Humor Blog (and if you don’t think we’re funny, you can make it an “ironic” vote). It would be presumptuous of me to ask you to vote for Grace The Spot as Best Entertainment Blog over Dorothy Surrenders, but if you take a couple of vodka shots before you do it, it won’t hurt as much.

Finally, since I am standing in Riese’s shoes for this post, please avenge her loss last year for Blog of the Year to Dorothy Surrenders by throwing Grace The Spot a vote for Blog of the Year this year. After letting this coveted prize slip out of its hands for a year, New York City shall rise like a phoenix from the ashes of defeat. Make it happen! EAST SIIIIDE!!! (Yes, I know the last time there was an epic East Coast vs. West Coast battle, Tupac and Biggie got shot, but, comrades, we cannot be paralyzed by the ghosts of the past. We must go on. Life must go on.)


Thank you for your time, consideration, and clickety-click-click love.
xoxo, Grace
xxx riese.


Zenmiester said...

Lozo, what's up with the glasses in that 2007 photo? Who are you, Orson Swindle?

Vashti said...

This was wonderful.

The big question is "who will respond to all the comments? The author of the post or the author of the blog? THIS IS KEY."

Another big question: What happened to the weekend crush post? My drunk comment is gone forever. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

Hey thurr-- I skimmed this at first and was super confused, so I had to go back and read the whole thing. The kid I babysit for thanks you both. I hope you both win, seriously I don't know if I can handle another loss. I'm sure you feel the same.

mira said...

I love Alice! And Grace! And Riese! I will vote for all of you 10 times.

i love this trip down memory lane. kinda makes me feel like we're friends in real life. creepy? maybe. but that's just being a weirdo, riggghttt?

DJL said...

I would just like to say I don't know who Orson Swindle is. I Googled, like any responsible person looking for info, and found photos of a 90-year-old dude who isn't wearing glasses in any of them.

Is Orson Swindle a character on The L Word? A gay blogger? Does he have feelings? A small, stuffed dog who unzips at its back? Inquiring minds.

autumn m said...

this was good.

Anonymous said...

congratulations you AUTOWINNER!!!

waa waa you never answer your phone, but regardless, GO TEAM!!

Polly said...

Just read that you made off with Best Lesbian Personal Blog. Mazel tov.

I voted for you each & every time. Not only do you excel at the medium, you hammer at its edges, genre-wise, or even blow holes in it with a cannon, or what have you. All with prose that would delight the most particular logophile. If that's a word.

A hearty congrats.

Vashti said...

Congrats!! It's about damn time you won something. Haha.

Also, let me know if you want the original of the picture I sent you earlier. [You know you do..]

a. said...

That quote you have for "Letting Go" has always been my favourite thing you've ever written. I've had it stowed away in a little selection of various quotes on my desktop.
So you're alongside the likes of Oscar Wilde, John Keats, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan Adams, Barack Obama, Machiavelli, aaand Holden Caulfield.

Duck said...

We need more post like this.

Hang on to the positive, the fact you won a Lezzy. Don't let mama Chaiken blow up your head. Please.

HAHA my verification words says DYKEVINS. This blog rocks hardcore and therefor you rock hardcore asses too, since it is a peronal blog, according to the Lezzys.

Anonymous said...

Your post on Grace the Spot was amazing. I LOLed a lot. The pictures and the quotes were great. It was very funny. Thanks.

Bren said...


Fine ass aside…I postulate that it’s her loss.

a;ex said...


riese said...

Zenmiester: YEAH LOZO. What's up with that?!

Vashti I dunno, sometimes I just delete things. I think it's weird for me to have this much photos and pop culture stuff up at once, and since I sorta threw that one together, I just felt like something had to go to make room for upcoming stuff. I think the author of the post is the responder ... that's always tricky.

Jersey: I made it a little but more clear now what I was doing witht the post. I feel like if you don't know what's going on, I am screwed with all of the really stupid people. Also good news I won!

mira: I love mira! And Shane! And winning! Also I love weirdos. Maybe we are freinds in real life, I just wear a disguise.

DJL: Maybe he was talking about the guy who makes the popcorn. I think also maybe he just means that you look like you've been to Vietnam.

autumn m: thank you very much autumn.

captain; YAY! THANKS!!!

Polly: Yesterday I told my therapist mazel tov 'cause she had a baby. I like what you said there about the hammering and such, I will be quoting you on that. Congratulations to you too! Yay! Last year we lost, and this year we all get to win. That's the real meaning of logophile, which'll probs be my word verification.

vashti: I know riggghtttt? I totally do! I had it on my screen all night during a long conversation about feelings, I liked to glance at it and feel heartwarmed.

a. Aw thanks! It warms my heart to be a part of someone else's quote desktop stowage. I'm sure john steinback, rick moody, rilke, tegan & sara, virginia woolf, alan ball, patrick marber, dar wiliams and G-d feel the same way about me.

Duck: I would not give Ilene the pleasure of blowing up my head. 'Cause you know she'd be like "oh, well, it got a reaction, and that's what successful television does, incite people to blow off their heads. HARDCORE ROCK!

Anonymous: Thankssss! I am really genuinely interested in Tibetters now, I like I want to study them in their natural habitat and figure them out.

Bren: Thanks!!! And ... thanks. :-)

a;ex: VICTORY!