Around Valentine's Day, people get extra-interested in each other's dating status. If I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend, my single-hood is usually easy to explain:
1. I don't want a relationship right now
2. I've got this good thing going with my ex? He still tells me I'm pretty, we have sleepovers, and he helps me move, but he's agreed not to talk about his "feelings" or "where this is going"?
3. I've got this good thing going with someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend? But I promised not to talk about it.
4. I've made zero effort to obtain one. (Maybe a .5 effort, if myspace browsing counts) I mean, I don't even like, "go out." Like, ever.
This year, we are looking at Number 4. Haviland thought it would be "fun" if I did a Top Ten Reasons why you should be my girlfriend. But I thought that might be too obvious and I don't want to dissuade potential Valentines. It's sneakier to just get them in your ring and then pounce like a tiger. Then Karen suggested REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.
So: I went to a private school for "gifted" students for grades 6-8. The Most Bad-Ass Thing the boys ever did was secretly play Magic the Gathering under the table and the Most Bad-Ass Thing the girls ever did was when we stole Ho-Hos from the vending machine. Our health teacher, who I'll call "Barb," wore 50’s-style cat-eye glasses, frumpy polyester skirts and scuffed velcro sneakers with athletic knee socks. Barb’s most noted fashion trademark, however, was the one inevitably un-buttoned button of her antique blouse, revealing her brasserie. Barb gave us condoms and bananas and showed us Mystery Science Theater 2000 versions of Sex Ed videos and raved about how much fun it was to have sex with her husband. That vision haunted us. We didn’t want to have sex anymore.
So I'm thinking if reverse psychology squelched any sexual activity happening in middle school (or else we were all just kinda ugly then, and had a lot of metal in our mouths), then it should probably also work on girlfriends.
Also, I have no time, and since I never write about my dating life or anything, and since I've got a list of "things that are wrong with me" pretty much at the forefront of my paleolithic skull, this should be easy to whip out. Fast. (Side note: I ramble when I go quickly. If you haven't noticed already)
SUNDAY TOP TEN: TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD TOTALLY NOT BE MY VALENTINE.
10. I Have a Thing With Penetration. Of Your Ear. With My Wet Finger.
I've had this problem (a compulsive desire to submit my companions to wet willies) for about 6-7 years now. After her 25th subjection to this childlike attack, Haviland suggested: "I think you have a thing with like, penetration." (true) But it's really hard for me to lie in bed next to someone (read: really, ANYONE) in a non-sexual situation (read; not actively HAVING sex, though if we've JUST had sex, it's totally fair game) and not try to stick my finger in their ear. I don't know why. When I dated [redacted], he woke me up with a high-quality sneak-attack wet willie on the first night he slept over and I was like "Holy shit, you've been sent here by G-d to reek vengeance on me for all my sins of the past." That turned out to be true in many ways.
9. I Don't Do: Relationships, Sleepovers, Brunch, "Talking on the Phone," Feelings.
Unless um, I like you a lot. Then I'll do all of those things except brunch. Unless you're cooking it. Or I am.
8. I've Got Some Tight Girl-Friends (Just Friends!) Who I Often Prioritize. And I Might Call Them While You Are in the Bathroom.
Let me quote my spice girls, who once said: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." By "get," they mean "enjoy the company of." If you actually "got" with my friends, like in the biblical sense, I'd probably hack into your myspace account and post comments on the pages of your Top 8 encouraging them to try this great new diet drug that helped you lose a few pounds. Also, because this is the community on which "the chart" was based, I'd be surprised if you haven't already "got"ten with my friends. And I mean that biblically.
7. I'm Bisexual
I'm bisexual. That's pretty much irrelevant. But according to the Big Bi Survey I am currently conducting, only 16.4% of bisexual women (I have almost 400 responses so far) DISAGREE with the statement "Lesbians don't want to date bisexual girls," and 63% agree with that statement. I mean, sure, I'm slutty, flighty, confused, deranged, homicidal, insane, likely to leave you for a man, likely to initiate a threesome, likely to be in transition to gay or straight, totally likely to really want to date a man and a woman both at the same time, because otherwise how on earth could my perverted appetites be satisfied, but like, so what? Rita Mae Brown used a handgun to blow out the rear window of Martina Mavratilova's BMW. So you homos have your own issues, k?
6. Sometimes Dating Me is Sort of Like Becoming a Fictional Character
You will immediately become a part of The Automatic Win World. That means you will be photographed, quoted, described, and flattered, 2-3 times a week, right here on this blog. You will be expected to comment. On the up-side, if we stop seeing each other, I won't bitch about you or mention a breakup. I will continue to speak of you only when appropriate, e.g. a yearly quotes round-up, appropriate photograph, when describing your assault on my ears with your finger (see "[redacted]" in "10").
5. I Like the Stairmaster More than I Like You.
There are not many things that can come between me and my date with The Gym. The best way to avoid this conflict is to book 24-48 hours ahead of time, because then we're good to go. But as soon as I've decided to go to the gym on a particular day, I'm going. A "Day-Of" surprise will not be accepted, unless it involves: 1. Famous People, 2. Copious Amounts of Free Things And/Or Money, 3. Fame, 4. Tickets to an Amazing Event.
This shouldn't be complicated, really. But most people want someone to talk them out of going to the gym (e.g. "Skip the gym, baby, let's go have brunch insteadddd...."), so my partners are often surprised by my resolute and firm insistence (and my firm BOD). The thing is, it's got nothing to do with my body. It just pumps up my endorphins and helps my fibromyalgia, which you probably haven't even heard of, so there.
4. I Really Believe That Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder.
I actually go slightly insane when I get manicures because I can't read at the same time because I can't use my fingers, which means I am doing NOTHING at all besides just having my fingers painted (podcasts have fixed this problem). This is just to say that I like to pack each moment with as much activity as possible.
Because I'm a little obsessed about: 1. Time Management and 2. My Alone-Time. I like being Alone. I always have work to do.
This is kind of irritating to others, and I'm working on it.
Also, if I'm like, "in love," then this rule can be adjusted slightly. Somewhere between "slightly" and "completely."
Bonus: long-distance relationships are totally fine with me.
3. I Can Be a Little Annoying about Restaurants, Though Most of My Friends Are Equally Insane, Though in Different Ways, So I Have No Conception of This Being Strange.
-I will not consume Aspertine, aka "Equal" or "Nutrasweet" in any context.
-I don't like spicy food. I consider excessive amounts of pepper to be a spice.
-I won't eat meat except for: heavily marinated grilled chicken and cheeseburgers.
-I will eat meat that is not grilled chicken or cheeseburgers if it is prepared by a chef at an expensive restaurant or by Ingrid Greenfield.
-I have been known also to eat hot dogs and fat-free bologna.
-I won't eat any kind of meat from Empire Corner or any other restaurant that costs below $10/entree and delivers faster than I could make toast.
-I won't eat anything that is heavy on onions or chives or garlic.
-I won't eat pasta or ice cream before sunset.
-I won't go inside a Chinese restaurant or a fast food restaurant or any place that has a scent I think might linger on my clothing after I leave.
-If you put sugar in my coffee or bring me Diet Coke instead of regular, I will kill you with a 6-liter bottle of Whoop-Ass.
-I won't drink beer. Or gin. Or anything lemon-lime flavored.
-I will not watch you eat wings or ribs.
-I can eat whatever I want and not get fat, which is annoying to some girls. On the up-side of this, if you pick up my eating habits, I will totally support you and your added weight, because I agree with Tyra Banks that she is not fat, and I agree with 89% of OK! Magazine readers that curvy girls are way sexier than skinny girls.
2. I'm Always Late
On the up-side, I'm probably late because I'm making you a card. Or getting you a present. Or trying to pick the outfit that would most please you. Or because I have no concept of how time works, and I often cling to the knowledge that if every train arrives exactly when I need it to, it is POSSIBLE that I will be on time.
Also. I'm working on this. (actually the funny thing is, I am running late AS I WRITE THIS!)
1. I Don't Want a Girlfriend.
Or do I?
Feel free to apply for this position. Or say mean things to me from personal experience. Or nice things! Just click "add comment."