Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Kind of Girl Who Laughs and Says Get Up Off Your Knees

All day long, it's been Monday. Perhaps you know this, perhaps calenders are an important part of your life. Chances are, you have been aware of Monday. Like the song "Manic Monday." Well, now it is 5:37 A.M. on Tuesday, so it's not Monday anymore. The point is that yesterday WAS Monday. But you wouldn't know that by speaking to me --

Me: "You can take 8th avenue, it won't be rush hour 'cause it's the weekend,"
Person on street asking for directions: "It's Monday."

Me: "You have class tonight, right?"
Alex: "No, it's Monday."

Natalie: "Do you wanna work out tomorrow?"
Me: "Oh, I can't do that tomorrow, I have therapy on Wednesdays."
Natalie: "It's Monday."

Alex: "Sooooo ... when do I see you again?"
Me: "Wednesday? Is that tomorrow?"
Alex: "Tomorrow is Tuesday."
Me: "Wednesday?"
Alex: "Okay!'

I was thinking about my book today. Memoirs usually have two parts -- the title intended to carry great import and capture your attention; Wasted, Smashed, A Million Little Pieces, Night, Prozac Nation, Now, More, Again, An Unquiet Mind, the Boy Soldier, The Mistresses' Daughter, Microthrills ... and these are always eye-catching titles used to lead into the SUB title which explains that the book isn't, as I wished it had been, about smashing people with giant pumpkins until their heads got good and wasted into a million little pieces and then we all took Prozac to forget. Rather, they explain what the book's about.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

"An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness"
"Flock: The Autobiography of a Multiple Personality"
"The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness"
"The Day the Voices Stopped: A Schizophrenic's Journey from Madness to Hope"
"Madness: A Bipolar Life"
"Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bullimia"
"Girlbomb: A Halfway-Homeless Memoir"
"Now, More, Again: A Memoir of Addiction"
"Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic Depressive"
"Crazy: A Father's Search Through America's Mental Health Madness "
"Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder"
"Pain in the Arms of Joy: Thoughts of a Borderline Personality"

I don't know my title yet but we've decided my subtitle will for sure be "A Memoir of Other People's Madness." Possible Title-Titles include "The Autobiography of Sancho Panza," among others.

Once they did a typo in this Stephen Dunn review I wrote, where they said "among other homes" instead of "among other awards," and so I always want to write "among other homes," as a joke on everything, but no one would get it besides me, like most of my jokes.

Speaking of, I think that's one of the funniest ideas I had today. I might wake up and think it's actually tacky. I dunno right now. Whatevs.


One time at band camp, I mean, at the Olive Garden, I was eating my stolen Tour of Italy (lasanga, fettucine alfredo, chicken parm, about enough calories to send Lance Armstrong into immediate cardiac arrest and to send me into a stomach ailment I found mysterious rather than consequential) and Layna, this compulsive liar who always talked about going to Harvard even though she didn't, was looking out the window with her little salad and its mediocre Italian dressing and she goes, Marie, have you ever seen that movie, Magnolia?

Yeah, I said. I loved that movie, actually. Magnolia.

Marie, she said. Do you remember the part in the bar, where he's sitting at the end of it -- Quiz Kid Donnie Smith? What he says?

I don't, I said. I don't remember what he said, not exactly.

It's how I feel right now, she said, cigarette in hand, smoke like ghost-hands in greasy air. I ate more lasanga, not 'cause I like lasanga really, but 'cause I was hungry.

Well, she said, this is what he said: "I really do have love to give, I just don't know where to put it."

Promise me you'll never go away
Promise me you'll always stay


Crystal said...

Peak hour sounds nicer. Or so I'm told.

Monday was yesterday for me, too, which is weird yeah. That never happens, you're always a day behind.

eric mathew said...

I'm not sure why I enjoyed your OG story so much, but I obvs did. I can't stand when you know people who lie but don't ever notice it. My friend Jamie has a friend who has a fake bf. Like she sends flowers to herself, kind of like Jan Brady. It is just so redic, like "Hello, we know your a liar."

Also, sometimes Lozo and I go to Olive Garden, but only so he can watch the game in the bar and I sit alone crying with my never-ending soup, salad and breadsticks.

BTWs, I totes get you on the "no one understands my jokes thing." like yesterday I told my roomate if my kids were bad I would leave them at the mall, and he belived me. wah wah

e. said...

Yesterday (Monday) I clicked on a Yahoo! News article, and it came up with the title: "Mind's Limit Found." The subtitle was "Four Things at Once." Which I found funny.

I never know quite how to react when you write like this; do I respond to the "among other homes" or to the "smoke like ghost-hands in greasy air"? Charmingly amusing/profound? (Or vice versa, maybe? Both at once, actually. Hearing that is attainable to everything, speech that cannot be grasped, the name of the sound, the sound of the name, Greek/barbarian, etc.) You always hit that bittersweet spot with such accuracy, and I'm not very good at making up my mind anyway.

Maybe here is the important thing: I heart you and cannot wait to buy your book, regardless of title.

Peach said...

you're too good for this world

supr said...

i see that youve posted and i smile. i finish reading and think.. how did 3 paragraphs put ME into an introspective mood? i just feel what im told to feel, i guess. thats why i cant wait for/dread your book coming out: i wont be able to put it down, and by that i mean i probably wont sleep until ive finished it.

jenn said...

I also am the only person that gets my jokes, but sometimes I miss-inturprit people laughing at me laughing at my own shit jokes that I think they get them when they don't?? then I go on to tell even more bad jokes(that I find funny) till I am yet again the only one laughing so a full embarrasing circle happens...Oh well.

Liers suck they are all about one upmenship just play them at there own game see how far they will go!! you can see the mind doing over time.

If I was in the Olive Garden situation my comment would have been "I feel I have love, I just keep putting it in the wrong places and I don't know how much I have left"

Lozo said...

we really should have less in common.

My Raging Herpes: How to draft a winning fantasy football team

that's my book title. i get everyone to buy it with that title.

Juno said...

What was that about "A Memoir of Other People's Madness"? I think one should never admit to therapy and have such funny ideas.

Also, we have one thing in common; I have therapy on Wednesdays. Every other Wednesday, to be precise.

Subtitle: Get Up Off Your Knees and Down From That Roof

B. said...

Yesterday definitely qualifies as one of the weirdest Mondays ever, and not even in any manic sense.

Seeing your rooftop satellites made me happy. I could write a whole blog about them (or rather, my conversations with them) and label it "Weirdo Friends."

dorothy said...

Your words are lovely. Thank you.

stef said...

i'm in a charitable mood, so here you go:

Manic Monday: A Memoir of Other People's Madness (you may have to pay the bangles royalties for this one)

Weirdo Friends: A Memoir of Other People's Madness

The Olive Garden: A Memoir of Other People's Madness

Planet Harlem: A Memoir of Other People's Madness

i saved my favourite for last:

WTF: A Memoir of Other People's Madness

if you use any of these, i expect a 5% cut from your book sales.

A. said...

Yeah well I keep thinking it's still March. WTF?

Adam said...

I would read "weirdo friends: the blog"

Also, we have an a. a b. and an e. Only 23 letters remain!

Also also, who pretends to go to Harvard? I mean...really? Fail better OG, fer surrious.

Also also also: My Book: It's Not a Fucking Memoir leaving room for the obligatory edgier, more critically acclaimed, prize-winning and ultimately disappointing follow-up I Already Told You: It's Not a Fucking Memoir

riese said...

Hey kids, I'm sorry I've been so bad about commenting back lately. A lot of things are happening. And I know that a lot of you know things about things that have happened before to make me a weirdo and I want to state that it's not that thing again.

crystal: For the record, I love going to work on Sunday nights.

eric mathew: I also hate people who lie. I'd like to lie more often than I do, because honesty's a real bitch.

e.: I feel I can handle five things at once. I've been told this, among other homes. I like your comments, they're so nice.

peach: that is so kind, and hopefully true, because I am officially over this world and interested in seeking new ones.

supr: I see that you've commented and smile. Even when you're sober.

jenn: You're right. I mean, that's how i feel too, actually, I'm not sure, but it's possible I don't have any left.

lozo: How about "My Raging Herpes: A Memoir of Other People's Vaginas." Yeah?

juno: Oh, I must go every Wednesday. Though if really crazy things happen, I get too embarrassed to go. I like that book title. I mean, I do, I really do.

b.: You could, I've always wondered, exactly, what you said to the satellites. Though perhaps I already know.

dorothy: thank you.

stef: I'd give the Bangles all kinds of Royalties. How about OMG WTF What the Fuck Just Happened: A Memoir of Other People's Madness? You win, p.s., you win. All around, you win.

a.: I don't know what month it is, ever.

adam: your auto-fun of the day. And really.

I guess when some people lie, they really aim for the stars. Also she was Rosie Perez's cousin. The problem with this lie was that I actually knew someone who was actually for real Rosie Perez's niece, so that was the beginning of the end there. The little things add up.

Bokolis said...

Might I suggest, Hav No Fear: I Probs Totes Wi;l Get Over This?

No royalties necessary and I'll pay for my copy. If you feel that there aren't enough inside references, feel free to amend as you see fit.

Mercury said...

I totally loved magnolia, its officially on my top ten favorite movies ever ever of all time. Today is bleak for me like a black and white photograph taken long exposure and you can see the sky and clouds and the few fragile leaves on the skeleton trees in perfect detail and you watch it for hours waiting for something to move. And I don't want to be here or breathe I feel trapped restless angry frustrated fed up idk so I'm done

eric mathew said...

Currently reading Augusten's new book. Very dark as opposed to Sicssors and Dry but very dark and good.

Def read it.

Chloe said...

"The Day the Voices Stopped: A Schizophrenic's Journey from Madness to Hope"--Have you seen the video online where it's like a day in the life of a schizophrenic? It's pretty trippy.

riese said...

bokolis: my favorite part of that title is the semicolon. Always with the inside reference.

mercury: don't be. i've had a bleak few days, and some bleak days last week too, but in between there've been some good sunshiney days also. there's been pretty color photos too, but mostly grey runny ones, and in between it all I've lost a sense of obligation to most things, like my life, and so idk idk idk idk my bff kills.

eric mathew - defo though you should read sam anderson's new article abotu augusten burroughs, on ny mag, which I linked to in my last comment to adam. Which I'd link to again, but I'm retarded and can't think right now.

chloe - i haven't, but i think I've already lived a day in the life of a schizophrenic ... er.... two, actually. Not days. Schizos. Or something like it. Maybe I made the video! What am I talking.

jenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jenn said...

hay, im guna hope that for the sake of you and myself that when love comes along it is out of our minds controle and the heart takes over and lets us love that one more time!!!

erm i dont mean me n you as in us, im not being rude but that would be some long distant strange relationship(very odd)plus i carnt spell and you are a writer??! but please dont give up hope im sure you will find the love when it is needed(thats my vain hope)

The Brooklyn Boy said...

You've got NYC VLOGging competition. Never Scurred?