Well, I've had a great week. The best part was when I got fired. The second-best part was when Olive [code name, see prior post for deets]'s father, my ex-boss, cut off Olive's electricity, phone, internet, TV, etc., and forbid her to ever see her 5-year-old brother again. Without lamps or maniacs there would be no light, y'all. [name that ... ]
If you missed the unfolding of this drama, which I obvs will extrapolate further later this week because secrets secrets are no fun, I was terminated following my boss's discovery that I'm a harlot drug addict. Specifically, he's troubled by my compulsion to blog about my "illegal activities, illicit drug use and sexual encounters." I know what you're thinking: but ... that's not true. I'd like to ask you to expand your mind and consider this: what if television characters were real? You know--what if Kit Porter wasn't a fictional character I write about on my "L Word" blog, but was in fact actually my real-life friend? What if when I make "jokes," I was actually "telling the truth, totes serious"? What if I wasn't just thinking about fucking Shane, but actually WAS fucking Shane? I know, that seems crazy, yeah? Well, newsflash -- people are fucking crazy, surprise.
Since I'm already in trouble for a bunch of shit I didn't do, I may as well just do it. As my good friend Paige once told my other good friend Shane, before fucking her on the kitchen table obvs: "Well um, you know what I think. Since we already did the time, we may as well do the crime." So, I'm having Lozo write my Sunday Top Ten, as I'm busy doing drugs and hot chicks, and Lozo writes about way more explicit stuff than I ever do. Lozo's also busy doing drugs and hot chicks, but he took a break from his chick-doing schedule to write this for me. That's the kind of nice guy Lozo is, which is why, unlike Mr. Redacted, he will be spending eternity in the kingdom of heaven with me and all my cool hot friends.
So anyhow. Enough about my half of Team Honest and onto Lozo's. I've outsourced the Top Ten before -- my brother Lewis wrote on things he wished he'd known when he was younger, my BFF Natalie explained why NYC is better than London [I have three BFFs: Hav, Natalie, Krista. FYI.] and TB explicated all the ways in which Opposites Attract.
Also: I still have to edit the last two posts, and I owe like 100 emails right now. Also, y'all are insanely fucking awesome, it's like, ridiculous. Seriously. Hands down totes.
Riese gave me a list of suggestions for her top 10 this week. They were as follows:
She decided to give me 11 suggestions for her top 10. At first, I thought she wanted 11 top 10s, or a top 110 if you will, but it turns out no. It was
I couldn't choose just one. They were all so good and inspirational. So instead of a top 10, I am going to do a top 1 from each category, and that will end up being 11 things, hence a top 11. I will also try to "Riese up" this post, as to keep everyone reading this happy.
11. Top 1 Difference Between Lozo and Autowin.
But the hands down totes obvs diff between Lozo and Autowin is her need to abbreviate words that, in some cases, don't need to be shortened, and her overall mastery of inventing language. I mean, come on, Marie. You save a total of three letters when you shorten totally to totes. [But I cut syllables by 66%.]
For instance, when I first got here, it took me a month to find out what a totesbag is. I thought it was something you carried an umbrella in. I'm not joking. And I can't not think of the Arizona Diamondbacks when I hear the term "d-bags."
We always want to know what is with today today.
I'm just saying that while we may not agree on certain comedies, we both pretty much LOL or LMAO about the same stuff.
9. Top 1 Difference Between Lozo's Comments and Autowin's.
8. Top 1 Moment of Autowin.
Plus, everyone hated me at first because I left comments like, "So, Marie, in case you ever break up with your girlfriend, I'm 6-foot-3. Just throwin' it out there." The tide has turned since. The lesson here? Persistence and being tall pay off.
Why? Well, I don't mean in it in a clinical sense. After all, I'm a gyno, not a psychiatrist. But I do know this -- she bleached her anus a long time ago, and to me that's crazy. Therefore, that's the craziest asshole I know of.
But the reality is I really like Marie. And her blog is an extension of her, so I really like her blog. I think that's a huge part of the bloggingosphere. If you like the person, and that person is blogging about themselves, you will read it. I mean, I am neither female, gay, poor, or constantly in contact with imbalanced people, so it's not like I identify with what goes on. I just care about her, so I care about what's going on in her head. [Awww. Consider my heart warmed.]
5. Top 1 Thing I Wish Autowin wrote about more often.
4. Top 1 Thing Autowin Could Do to Make Her Blog Better.
3. Top 1 Thing Autowin Readers Could Learn from Lozo.
Kidding. Well, it's true, but it's not the one thing you could learn. It's this -- life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.
Kidding again. I don't know. This is hard. Like, first-thing-in-the-morning, waking-up-next-to a-naked-Heidi-Klum hard. OK. I got it. I'm going to give you the key to happiness. It's going to seem simple and weird at the same time. The key to life is this -- being able to see past the immediate present and being able to see the not-too-distant future.
For instance, let's say your life sucks right now. Your girlfriend just left you for some other girl with a short haircut, or you've had a death in the family, or you just got fired for hitting on your female boss. Whatever it is lesbians do. I really don't know.
OK. Focus on that immediate pain in your life. Sucks, right? The pain, the grief, the sorrow. OK. Ready? Good. The key to dealing with all that is to realize that at some point in the not-too-distant future, it's all going to get better. And that's a fact.
Well, if your problem is a missing limb or a terminal disease, well, OK, you got me, it's not going to help. But you will feel better about your gf/bf leaving you, your loved one dying, your loss of a job because you'll get a new one.
You just have to train your brain to realize that all emotions, especially pain, eventually subside, and you must remember that pain eventually goes away or gets to the point where it's much better. It's just something to keep in mind the next time tragedy befalls you. Try it. Do the necessary grieving, but just always remember, as bad as it is at that moment, it will get better.
Told you. Simple but weird. But so few people actually do it.
2. Top 1 Thing That Makes Lozo and Autowin's Marriage Work.
Clearly it's going to be Sunday Menages. Kidding. I think the key is going to be talking and doing stuff besides the sex. Because it's pretty much Earth-shattering. It gets better every time. I'm just afraid if we are just constantly doing it with Vodka bottles and Haviland filming it, shouting, "OMG! Lozo, you probs'll hurt her with that thing!" we are never going to talk.
And that's important. I'm just saying. Not every massage after work needs to lead to a two-hour passion session.
1. Top 1 PSA From Lozo to Autowin's People.
Hi it's Riese again. I just wanted to say:
1. Reading the comments on this May 15th entry ... [the post was about deleting my myspace] ... actually made my stomach hurt, 'cause almost every comment is so ... LOADED, in retrospect. Like: wow. Like: whoa! Also reading Carly being all like "Hi, I've never commented before but I really love your writing," is like one of the most heartwarming adorable things ever.
2. I mention it because I'd like to share Lozo's first comment with everyone:
"i'm not sure who you are, and i'm not sure where exactly you linked to me, but i just wanted to say you really remind me of elliot from scrubs, so i'm going to fall in love with you in about 7 minutes."
She's 5'8. Just throwin' it out there.