Monday, June 25, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: Each From Different Heights, Who Saved Me From Suicide This Week

The "T" Key is broken again. So is my soul. However, I have not jumped out the window or stopped using words with "T"s in them. You know what that's called? Inner strength. Know where I learned that? R&B/Hip-Hop, especially Beyonce.

This's one of the worst Sunday Top Tens ever written. Because I cannot possibly do any less than ten things at the same time right now, which means I can't do any of them well.

UPDATE: This post is a mess. However, I am not.


omg!!!! The "T" Key situation is driving me crazy. What if I wrote this whole post w/o Ts? And was just like "Figure it out, bitches, you know the alphabet, yeah? You know how words work?" But then I remembered I have international (that word really wanted to be "inernaional") readers who have a hard enough time reading my rambling whathaveyous. Seriously. I need o go o he apple sore asap.

There is a little dog on my bed. Oh. He just left. Sad. What a lark!

You know what? MySpace should have a category called "Damaged." I rejoined myspace. I like MySpace, it's cute. Try and find me, grasshopper.

10. My Friends
Y'all are totes hands down awesome. Also, I'd like to thank AIM for making our friendship possible. And thank you for taking that extra minute for yourself every morning to make sure you're pretty, otherwise we wouldn't be friends. Some of you are GAY and that's okay. I love gay people. That's why I'm excited about the cruise, which's so soon I'm getting tan just thinking about it. Wheeee! Love GAYS! I cannot wait for Susan Powter yoga, I need her to tell me how to become a warrior ASAP.

9. Depression Diet=Donuts and McDonalds

I recently lost much of my emotional and digestive capacities, and though I've always been a bit lanky, it's especially pronounced now. I had to purchase an actual belt and wear it every day, which's never been my habit. [People're often surprised that I don't own any: belts, earrings, necklaces, lube.]

"You look completely wrecked, to be honest with you."
-My Therapist

(Obvs I am speaking to her upside down with my legs hanging over the top of the chair which is not a Freudian couch, it's an actual armchair, so this's not how it's meant to be sat in, but I was too wrecked to be upright, obvs.)

It's ridiculously symbolic, the taking back of one's alloted space--"no, it's okay, you can have that air back now, I'll just take up less room"--into a bony shell of your formerly robust self. But the best part of Depression Diet?! When you finally DO acquire an appetite, you can eat whatevs you want because you're just so proud of yourself for eating at all! For example, I haven't had a donut for breakfast since I was like, 12. Until this week, when I had like; 12. Donuts are delicious. Howevs, donuts would be even better if Dunkin' Donuts could just hire one person with an IQ over 40. I don't want sugar in my coffee so cut it out!

They should hire more gay people. GAY people are smarter than other people, because they need to figure out how to have sex, it's not just like get on top, stick it in, bang-bang-bang, it involves either: a) passion and dexterity, b) fitting a large object into a way-too-small hole without causing rectal bleeding. Sorry but someone had to say it.

8. My Mom.

I love my Mom. She's awesome and helpful. Also, she's GAY! Here's my Mom and I at her gay wedding. We're clearly eyeing different cameras. I'm wearing all pink, because it was a gay wedding and pink is the color of The Gays. No one thought this was as funny as I thought it was, unfortunately.

7. Alcohol

I can't say enough about this particular substance. It's reliable and it's always there in a pinch. Some totally flawed studies in the 70s and 80s suggested that GAYS are more likely alcoholics, but if someone did some new less dubious studies with better sample sized populations, I wouldn't be surprised if it was at least a little true. I mean, it's really depressing sometimes to be ostracized by your friends and family and denied the same political rights as strais. I've been very lucky to live in a tolerant little bubble of Gay Pride, though, thanks guys. Personally, I'd find it depressing to be regularly rammed up the ass. But that's just my own personal thing, and I'm not a good sample size, so that's that.

6. Chris Pureka

K-Lilly (GAY!) turned me on to Chris Pureka (GAY!), who sings perfect sad GAY folk music about how we lose each other, feel about it afterwards, and think about it later. but we never explain why we treasure our secrets we're in love with our sadness sometimes. I honestly don't know what I'd do without Chris Pureka. I put my ipod ibuds in my ears and she cries straight into my brain-cage. She validates me.

5. My T-Mobile Dash.

I haven't really figured out how to use it yet, but it looks really neat. It's everything I've ever wanted in a phone: a full keyboard, internet, and larger than a GAY fetus. I don't like small phones, as I've said before, because they remind me of my iPod and I don't wanna be all like "Hello? Prince?"

4. Going Out to NATION: Actually, Not So Bad.

Saturday night: Washington Square Park, an hour past dusk, met up w/Tara-D and her crew of GAYS. Split off from the Under-21s and went to GAY night at Nation. I've mentioned before that I despise Nation, as it is never fun. However: we had fun.

During a breakup, your priorities get shifted quickly. Emotional survival is your only task, really, which's why I spent the entire Summer of '03 playing 'The Sims." You're just trying to stay in the green, you know? Fun skyrockets, and the best way to enable fun is to drink as much as you can without dying. Tara, Vicky and I met up with Carly and we drank, danced [I only "dance" when drunk and/or alone and/or I think no one's watching], talked.

The music wavered somewhere between decent and fantastic, and pure, uncomplicated fun was had. SoCo and lime shots, like kids on vacation. As if we are not adults, as if life is not quite so serious as all this. All action, no head, like a Zen superhero, like your first time flying.

Nation employs these whore-ish girls to dance on the bars. One of 'em's ass cheeks were hanging out and then all this money came out of her shirt, like money was flying in the air, and I took it. That came in handy later when some whore-ish someone stole Tara's bag. I won't talk about that though, because it was depressing.

3. The Best Moment of My Life So Far: Sunday Night Dance Fever

After dinner at Vinyl, we [Carly and her friends Stuart & Matt, and obvs me] venture, full o' Pride, to Posh, a GAY Bar for homosexual men who like to have sex with other homosexual men, often via asshole.

My face still hurts from laughing at Stuart's story of last year's "Himalayan Hunter" Halloween costume (told during dinner) which involved a thong, a lot of feathers and very serious boots but most importantly: actually changing his skin tone via three day fake-baking/spray-tanning regiment. He took three days off of work to develop the proper skin tone for his Himalayan Hunter Halloween costume. I kept thinking: would someone've been like "You know, if you'd been just a tad whiter, I woulda thought Deer Hunter. But that orange glow just gives you away!"

I've been here, I think, as our quartet approaches the throngs of men in tank tops and cargo shorts. The boys at Posh look like frat boys, but with expensive hair gel and shinier muscles, and once inside I remember: I lost my cell phone here, '01: Happy Hour after a lunch shift at the Olive Garden. I remember telling James I'd never talked to the new girl, Karen, because I was intimidated by how pretty she was, and he said, but you're the most beautiful girl at The Olive Garden. This is depressing on many levels:

1. I totally wasn't AT ALL. I mean, total over-compensation complement Thank You James. The Olive Garden was full of hot girls, which's pathetic.
2. He's GAY.

Yes, that afternoon, 'o1: On the black couch I felt Jason's hand on my thigh, thought: You have a girlfriend, seriously, what the F is wrong with you? He tried kissing my neck, disguised as something he needed to say immediately, like via teeth-to-neck transmission. I squirmed. At some point, I put my Nokia on the glass table.

Then I remember vomiting in the Times Square Burger King bathroom, stumbling back to the NYU dorm I lived in that summer, mumbling some nonsense to my BFF, then calling my phone from her phone, affirming I'd left it at Posh, and passing out. I returned later, when it'd transformed into a meat market, and I was like a vegan angel parting the waters of disappointment.

Anyhow, back to present tense: Stuart danced with this woman and it was really funny/amazing, Carly and I were like, this is the best thing to ever happen in the history of mankind. Also, this's one of those things that I should probably just write about in my livejournal, as it's hilarity has no hope of translating onto the page or feeling remotely relevant or interesting to anyone reading this blog besides me. But I don't have a livejournal. Or a t-key, p.s.

2. In the Flesh

On Wednesday, I attended the Special GAY In the Flesh Reading with Tara-D, Vicky, Angelica, and four other girls who's names I forget because I was depressed and wanted to die, therefore I was not paying that close attention. Also, I possibly put too much vodka in my Vitamin Water considering all I'd consumed on Wednesday was four four-packs of cheese-and-peanut-butter crackers and a Lean Pocket. [Note to readers: I need to eat massive amounts of food about every two hours, so this's like, imagine if that's all a Sumo Wrestler ate all day.]

[Also, I'm refusing a return trip to Pathmark: last time, I literally waited THIRTY MINUTES to check out, which made me want to smash my by-then-spoiled Stonyfield Farms yogurt into the retarded eyes of the cashier til all the fruit sunk to the bottom of her retinas and blinded her for life, thus enabling her acquisition of a Seeing Eye Dog who could probs do her job better than she can.]

We saw JD Glass read, and I met her and Radclyffe, who edited that "Lambda *GAY* Award Winning Stolen Moments anthology I was in. Radclyffe's written about 5,000 books. She's even more prolific than my hero RKB.

Speaking of RKB, I talked to her (while drunk) and ... !!! .... I'll be reading at The Best of "In the Flesh" on September 19th. Clearly Haviland's reading with me. I think I'll extend the city-tour begun in last year's story, "Fucking Around." It'll be like: Philadelphia looked like a sweetheart, I thought he was gay, maybe, but then he stole my Sidekick. JK. Go Philly, I love Philly. Good cream cheese, travel/tourism campaign for homos, etc.

1. Y'all
I had an idea for this section: I was gonna get one of those ridic greeting cards with the sunsets and scan it and it was gonna be this weird like poem-y Thank You card or something, 'cause I was gonna be like "how can I talk about how my readers are so sweet and sent me not just comments but emails and stuff and honestly like, opened up to me and all of this and that's just really like, amazing, and unexpected, and heart-warming. Like my heart is officially warmed.

So yeah, I love all of you readers, GAY, straight, bisexual, red, blue, green, Jewish and Muslim, poet and preacher, administrative assistants and girls who spray perfume on you at Bloomingdales, I love all of you. Thanks for being really cool.


kate said...

Don’t want to ruin the challenge for everyone else so I’ll just say your myspace includes an empire records quote. Did you know that your name comes up with over 1300 matches? – Mine turns up 39,000– none of them are me though. Apparently, someone in Van Morrison’s band has the same name.

Maybe I’ll start a myspace so that all of the matches to my name don’t belong to one single stranger…

Also, I appreciate your dedication – I know how frustrating it can be typing with a dodgy keyboard. I spilled a cup of tea on mine once and had to write a whole assignment with the a and s keys switched around. Strength blossoms in the face of adversity.

Hope you’re still doing ok kiddo

Razia said...

Good to read that you're feeling better. That goes to show that there's nothing better than the combination of good booze [read: skky] and great friends, with a dash of e-love from all kinds of readers all over the globe. I am tempted to go on the Myspace hunt but I just think that would be that last line that need not be crossed. That being said, I probably will check the page out if I don't have to do the hunting haha. I don't know if this is for all myspace users but I always wonder who is looking at my profile and what impressions of me they get...totally self centered thoughts of course but hello? we're talking about myspace here. Anyway, back to you, I can't say if you were the most beautiful girl at the Olive Garden but I bet you have the most fans. Oh and I steer clear of obscenely pretty girls too, they scare the shit out of me.

Laura said...

I'm glad you seem to be faring slightly better now. It's strange that I can feel sad for someone I've never met before.

However, I have a plan to put some cheer in your day.

When you go to fix your 'T' at the Apple store, you should be happy that you aren't one of the people lined up for the release of the iPhone on Friday. Imagine how unhappy they are having to wait all that time! Freaks!

I mean it's an Apple phone, so it's gonna be awesome. But lining up for four days! For a phone! Really, Papi Reeeeally!

If you do go to the store can you have a giggle for me at the people lined up? It doesn't have to be a loud giggle, a snicker would do perfectly. (I'm so evil).

I would go and giggle, but I'm in the UK. I can't afford that laughing luxury.

Katie Graham said...

That WAS a great top ten. I'll take Sunday top ten any day of the week. Why are you sad lately? Remember, nothing is worth getting upset over. I really wish I could get skinny when I'm stressed out. I wish I could get stressed out. I don't care that much about anything that happens.

They changed our Apple store in the Fan district to a Starbucks. The shame! All the bars and businesses are mom and pop or run by tattood people. No corporations!

MoonKiller said...

This is the 2nd time I read this. The first was in my ICT lesson earlier, I would have commented but I had to read it through Google Reader as the schools filter filters the 'gspot' in blogspot.

I wanna gay mom. It's gotta be pretty cool. It's like the whole meet the parents - 'This is my mom, and this is my other mom'. (y)

And I'm covered in the blue category of love. Because I'm freezing cause its Wales so its always freezing. Especially my nose.

Anonymous said...

Yay your feeling better! You are too cute and too funny. My crush on your cyber-persona continues.

haviland said...

The therapist quote was my favorite. Seriously, sometimes Lindsay is just perfect. LOL REALLY!


Lozo said...

moderation is enabled, so i feel comfortable leaving this.

first off, i don't like how gay sex is all passionate and whatnot, and straight sex is all ramming stuff in places. maybe this is why you currently don't like dudes. bad experiences with ramming? i'm just saying. stop giving us a bad rap.

second off, i found that myspace page days ago. helllllo? stalker? nice to meet ya.

third off, i can't drink when i'm depressed. i drink when i'm angry, because booze makes me happy. when i'm depressed, it makes me more depressed. i also enjoy looking at girl's asscheeks when down in the dumps, so we've got that going for us.

riese said...

kate: Thanks...I'm holding up a-ok today ... and yeah, I didn't make it hard to do or anything, really. I actually used my real info for the first time ever too, which made it easier, I suppose. 1300? Who are those impostor bitches? I suppose I implied that it'd be a challenge ... I totally fixed the keyboard in a really unique and exciting way. I'll be posting more on this later, right now I am still relishing in my glory.

razia: I heart skky. Did I mention that already? And I love e-love. Pretty girls are scary, usually my strategy is to make them laugh a lot, then they will become my best friend and give me a makeover. It always works, 'cause I always have pretty best friends. And the myspace hunt would be likely unrewarding, as I clearly made it even easier to find me than last time (last time I used one of my many fake email addresses).

laura: I feel sad for people I've never met before all the time, like Old Yeller, and other bloggers. I think bloggers do develop a certain kind of intimacy, fo'sure, with readers. I think this experience has taught me that if nothing else., that blog love is real love too, in it's own way.
I'm actually really worried about the apple store being really crowded due to the iPhone thing, i read in redacted magazine that people will be lining up! Also now my L key is acting up and I lost the actual T key, which means I might have to pay for its replacement, which makes me mad.

BUT what a good idea, I'm gonna go there and laugh at the assholes and blog about it. Really Papi, really.

KG: Re: sadness, see last post. You should try i went to the apple store w/o my computer last week, because I was in this depressive fog, and they gave me a card for the website to sign up to stand in line. I was like Oh, Thank you for this precious piece of information, I did not know there was a website for you people. What is it you do again? Computers? Internet? So neat! I wish I never got stressed out too. Hm. Maybe I need a drink.

moonkiller: Yeah I like saying "my Moms" and "my other Mom," even though she didn't raise me. But it has a nice sound to it, like I'm Heather in Heather has Two Mommies. Still can't believe you have computers in class.

anon: aw...*blush*

Haviland: I love Lindsay.

lozo: Oh Dear Mr. Lozo, all of the ramming references were about man-to-man ass-sex. There was one reference to straight sex being "un-complicated" but there was no ramming involved. One of these days, Mr. Lozo, you will learn how to read a blog post from start to finish. And one of these days, I will learn how to write one under 16,000 words.

I used to feel that way about alcohol too, that I could only drink when happy, but that changed around '03 when I realized it was just the thing. Howevs, it can backfire. One must be careful.

LainyRae said...


Go room 8572!

(yes, i'm a dork.)

Jaime said...

Riese, I would love to hear about your ingenious solution to the missing key thing - my O has been missing for a while, and typing is slow and sucks ass.

(I feel really callous, or feel like all the comments-readers will think I'm callous, leaving a comment that's not about how I love you and wish you happiness and all. So that, too.)

Lozo said...

"GAY people are smarter than other people, because they need to figure out how to have sex, it's not just like get on top, stick it in, bang-bang-bang."

come on. that reads like gay people's sex is smart, straight people's sex is "bang-bang-bang." i'm tired of being accused of not reading!

Jaime said...

Lozo, she was just highlighting the simplicity that straight sex can have, where gay sex is inherently more complicated. "Bang bang" in terms of facility, rather than banginess, methinks.

Crystal said...

I don't get what everyone sees in American donuts. Particularly Dunkin' Donuts. I lived in Florida once, and my grandfather made me eat them every day. I'm not a fan.

But I like Australian donuts - which I figure are likely to have been modified somewhat, like completely unauthentic, altered for us non-Americans? I don't know. There's just something about American donuts I don't like.

[I know, I chose to talk about donuts, right? Everything else has already been commented on. Part of me hopes that you exercise your powers of moderation on this comment.]

Abby said...

Oh my god I would kill for a donut, but if I eat one I will remember how F-ing fantastic they taste and then I will want more... and I can't do that to myself, I envy your metabolism Riese!
Lozo- dude! chill out please. Why not deal with your obvious insecurities on your own page? This blog is Riese's pov, and until you have tried gay sex you will never understand. I have experienced both and her comments make complete sense to me.
Either way, haven't you noticed Riese's blog has a humorous element to it?
"cum grano salis"

Riese- rent "Sugar Rush" and watch all episodes in one sitting!

The Brooklyn Boy said...

As a straight Jewish poet reader, I appreciate the love. And your top tens, even if I'm not consistently commenting. Keep doing you, kid.

caitlinmae said...

The last time I responded to an emotionally fraught blogpost (relationshippy) I was completely ridiculed and humiliated. Unfortunately I only found this out a year later, so I was wont to agree with the random bitch who called me arrogant and superficial. I was! (past tense.)

But basically I, like so many other strangers here on the intarwebz, was taken by your recent postings. I think it takes incredible strength to chronicle even the blisteringly abysmal parts of your life. I tend to delete the profiles of all of my social networking sites when i'm depressed, and, as that original old blogger suggested, I was relatively superficially depressed that time. I prefer the term naive, but by any token, I'm sending healing heartwaves to cheer you up.

But look, marie! look at all of those remarkable tags you have in this entry- people who love you enough to take you out to fun pride things even when you might not be the most absurdly entertaining company, people who say glorious things about your unmistakeable talent, people like Haviland who whisk you away on amazing vacations and are ALSO your greatest fan/bestfriend.

so, lady, from a new yorky stranger who thinks you're pretty much the cat's meow- drink all you want, enjoy those dunkin' donuts (because let's face it, they're amazing. and you'll never have excuses as good as right now) even find other d opportunities to indulge (maybe some D-lite? Dos Equis? Dim sum?) I'm glad to hear you're better-ish and i hope it's onwards and upwards from this point.

carlytron said...

so i was like "hm, i am not sure what to write as a comment," and then someone suggested i say, "I thought your description of Stuart's dance was funny. because I was also there. so that makes two people who thought it was funny." so there you go.

fun weekend though, i will say that. on my own. without someone telling me to. (insert non-emoticon smiley thing here)

lain said...

hey champ.

glad to know you're eating donuts, at least. i was actually just in the neighborhood to note that i have finally tried a churro and to offer my review, so i came in at the tail end of this week/month. (tastes like a cross between a donut and a french fry; made my heart squirm about an inch and a half to the left.) i wasn't actually aware that pride now lasts an entire week. whoop. (!)

the point is that sugar is an excellent salve, comes highly recommended (by me), and will lead to bigger and better things (see review of churros, above).

i recently made a list:

things that are soothing:
book stores (new, used, spanish, whatever)
billie holiday
the smell of new books, pamphlets, raw wood
skip gorman, mandolin in the cow camp

things that are numbing:
hugh laurie

teethbrushing (this is a really good one)

you appear to have already discovered several of my tried-and-true wards against depression, but i'll go ahead and give skip gorman a gold star. the nice thing about all of these is that you never have to faze them out of your life completely: they just slowly start to play a more normal role as your heart releases its death grip on your other organs.

a whole week of pride, huh? there's still time to rock it. brush, spit, repeat. and then go find somewhere like here to drown your sorrows (that's where i'm going anyways, who's excited?), because i hear that thursday is many kinds of iconic.

p.s. i totally just looked up how to use basic html for this comment. the times they have changed.

Razia said...

Yeah I believe our mutual love for skky has been noted somewhere or another, I would say that I live for the stuff but then that can't be good. You made it too easy for me to find you and consequently too hard to resist the urge to search, damn you! Jk. Don't be damned, you're too cool for damnation. Major kudos though for being the force that obliterated those silly online "boundaries" I once had set.

PS. I'd like to add my two cents on the Australian vs American donuts: I agree with crystal, donut king (Aus) kicks dunkin donuts' (US) ass.

riese said...

lainy: I hope all my stalkers read your comment so they can track us down on the love boat.

lozo: I understand the mis-read. It was your usage of "ramming" that enabled me to accuse you if not reading closely, as that particular word was only used to reference gay sex. Which I'm sure is quite pleasant for gay people. Gay men. Whatever.

Why don't I have any gay male readers? No seriously. I love gay men. I need more of those.

I think everyone should just make love, not war. Clearly.

Like "jaime" (who's straight! goooo straight people!) said.

Also jaime you are very sweet thank you! And for that I will tell you: you know the key in the upper left, the 'accent' key? I never use that, obvs. So I removed it. Since it was not broken, like the T key before I lost it, I was able to easily affix it into the T key's spot. TA DA!

However now my power cord is broken and my computer is dying as we speak. Or, type, if you will.

crystal- part of me published your comment anyhow. And Dunkin' Donuts are awful, HOWEVER, their little munchkins are bundles o' joy. The typicla big donuts with the yeasty stuff are gross, and the jelly dontus, but cake donuts, like old fashioned and blueberry cake dontus are good.

abby- Aw, thanks! I heart my metabolism too. I almost forgot about Sugar Rush! That sounds like a plan.

QUICK JUMP IN ORDER to stay on topic...

DJ Carlytron- We are recapping Sugar Rush for auto-straddle. [Hav, Heather, Lainy, Tara, whomevs, listen up!] Also, ingenious comment ...! Go team! (insert very clever emoticon thing here, preferably full body, dancing)

caitlinmae- How could anyone call you arrogant and superficial? You sound very sweet to me. How do you feel about gay sex? Thanks for being a fan!

Your words are kind and lovely (and well written!). I love when readers come out of the woodwork in times of crisis! It makes me really happy.

obvs the best tag I have on this entry i "the olive garden." And yes, my friends have been extraordinary angels and I would not be able to make it through w/o them. Instead, I'd just be sitting at my computer, not talking to them.

I've just been informed that "Dos Equis" is gay beer that is apparently consumed all the time on QAF and The L Word. You speak my language, cm, thank you for that.

lain: thanks, kiddo! That is a MASTERFUL list. I should steal it, add to it, and post it on my blog as my own. JK. I'd never do that to you.

I agree about bookstores, they will always make m happy always! What, praytell, is high laurie? I agree about running and alcohol too, obvs. That "Sims" breakup I mentioned was punctuated with long sweaty runs through my neighborhood, high on any upper worth snorting. It was glorious. I weighed about 118 pounds. It was also gross.

I brush my teeth constantly, but I think will do it again right now.
The graphics on that website just totally blew my mind.

razia: I know! I shoulda made it hard. Someone mail me donuts asap. I like your new icon. I mean, you look sad. But sad is the new happy.

haviland said...

caitlinmae, thank you! you can look fwd to the cruise recap on here (and probs auto-straddle, too, right riese?) that will be up circa july 15 or so.


carlytron said...

Dos Equis is gay beer. Have you ever seen anyone on the L Word drink a beer that was not a Dos Equis? HAVE YOU!? I challenge everyone who reads this to find a scene in any L Word episode where a character is drinking a beer that isn't a Dos Equis. Good effing luck, kids.

I have also seen them drink it on Queer As Folk but I'm not sure if it was as much of a pandemic on there as it is on L Word. Effing lesbians ...

Oh, and I'm down for Sugar Rush, I've heard a lot about it. I hope it's better than the L Word. Although that's not saying much ... (Sidebar: you know what show it won't be better than? The one we're writing! Holla!)

riese said...

Ten days?!! That is so soon! Wow!

But still, plenty of time for the fucking brilliant television show we're about to write. I wish we could write it on this MacBook Pro I'm using here in the apple store.

Carly: re: DE/TLW--TFL. Because for a moment I honestly believed I have a serious enough stock of scenes in my head that I could perhaps rewind and think about it. Perhaps it's related to the DE always stocked in the Chez Shane/Jenny fridge? Effing lesbians indeed.

There are totes people lined up outside for the iphone on folding chairs. I was going to take a photo. But there were already so many photographers out there, and also, I do not have a camera.

typetypetype ilovethewaymyfingersfeelonthiskeyboard.

Guess who's getting an entirely new keyboard? like, whole new um, whatevs it's called, platform front part thingie? And power cord? For free?


caitlinmae said...

high five on being the cool kid that gets to cut in line at the apple store-- apparently there are ALREADY PEOPLE OUT THERE! (and for fixed t keys! wheel of fortune tells me that's a really important one. also, watch out for r,s,l,n and e.)
i love gay sex. Well, half of me loves gay sex. i am a frustrating set of binaries that are also represented by (and forgive me for using the expression) NY blogosphere. bisexual irish jew. eesh. double guilt and twice the sexual frustration =] maybe that's why i like dos equis. But following that logic, i'd only like them half as much as something else... like corona light. hrm.
ps- hugh laurie is the guy on house, i think.
which, coincidentally, is set in an imaginary area in my home town. Princeton and plainsboro (where the hospital is supposed to be) are divided by west windsor. where i live.

Laura said...

A new keyboard & cordy thingy!

Wow, you must have the gift of the gab, Apple never give shizzle away for free.

I bow to your superior blagging power!

Abby said...

Hey Riese, dude, you crack me up. I don't know how you will take Sugar Rush if you haven't experienced much British tv/cinema (eg Hugh Laurie very famous and funny British actor turned to the dark side by starring in House). The people aren't as....hhmm, polished as those LA birds...but there is a lot of swearing and pretty much everyone is totally screwed up so it's gotta be fun right?...
lain- awesome comment. My Mum just sent me a very heavy box with 4 brand new books in it!! Made me cry because they were all ones I have wanted for months but not been able to afford....

kate said...

I passed you onto my gay male a while ago - he's more of a reader than commenter though. The e-mail I got back said:

"She's quite the word smith, I predict she'll end up writing snappy sitcoms alla Arrested Development and Scrubs."

a big compliment coming from him - they're his two favourite shows AND he's a very jaded person.

Atherton Bartelby said...

We love you, too, my dear. I'm thankful that you stayed on this side of the open window, because if you hadn't, I would have had to follow you through it, I love your writing that much.

TB said...

Well babe, thanks for calling my brother to tell him to pick up my watch for me. Related: he's a Satanist. You both can keep it, thieves. Since you worship that. Prepare your ass for raping, you dumb bitch-ass whore monkey.

Mercury said...

Myspace hunt was easy for me. I followed the link in that post on Crystal's blog, but then the post vanished to be replaced by that homage to Sebastian whoever, although I think I remember the url.

I once had t-key issues. T and comma. Last summer, actually. Last summer is a ghost, it feels like, a shadow I cast, via the this-summer sun.

You are so adored, I feel usurped. i.e. the other people who crush on you and say things I would say to you and act sweet when I would act sweet, totes walking all over my territory, but that's cool, coz I suck at it anyway.

and there's a special place in the blogger-love department of your heart for me, yeah?

I agree about the gay sex/not gay sex thing. have to think about it versus Don't have to think about it. I wish you had to think about all kinds of sex, like they were all logistically difficult to the point where they'd be infeasible when drunk or stupid. *Muses* ... or... that I was less. malleable. willing. etc. whatevs. this has nothing to do with anything to do with anything...

Word verification: cmrenwif. c'mere & whiff? smell what? qui saient? who cares?
I wish it had given me something I could interperet as "Ghost sex" because it's the phrase that's stuck in my mind, ever since it sort of randomly appeared there hours ago.

lain said...

Hugh Laurie! The actor from "House" (don't knock it til you've tried it), and many lesser known works. I'm a total sucker for his faux American accent. The OC has been known to knock me clear into next week, too, when taken in large quantities. But don't tell anyone I told you.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

dear Riese, sad didn't look good on you, glad you're feeling better! and have tons of fun on the cruise!...i once cruised to bermuda and it was fab. and i have yet to cruise again, so im jeal.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

ps - "Inner strength. Know where I learned that? R&B/Hip-Hop, especially Beyonce." hahaha, i loved that...alot. maybe you should listen to "survivor" by destinys child, which always gets me extremely excited when it comes on my itunes party shuffle. that & "no scrubs" by TLC

riese said...

caitlinmae: I despise binaries as well. I love also that blogger encourages labels by actually providing "labels" at the bottom of each post. And btw: I'm a bisexual native american/quaker jew. Holla Pochahantas/Grandma Goldstien! I also love Corona Light.

Laura and caitlinmae: I saddled right up and said "My t key is gone and my power cord broke and it's ruining my life." And he was like "OK." Then he looked at my keyboard and got confused because I had a the accent key in where the "t" key was supposed to be. Then he was like "Because it looks like your computer is cracked, we'll just replace this whole front panel here." I was like "mmmmk!" Also it's still under warranty.

kate: That is so perfect/brilliant, I cut/pasted that shizzle directly onto an AIM with carlytron, the co-creator of the greatest lesbianish sitcom the world has ever known. And we clearly mentioned Arrested Development specifically as an example of what our sitcom would be like. but gayer.

Atherton: Thank you! And thank you for increasing my company on this side through the many links I get from you.

Mercury: That hot heavy metal singer that was before your time.

Beautiful: Last summer, actually. Last summer is a ghost, it feels like, a shadow I cast, via the this-summer sun.

Um, obvs there's a special place in the blogger-love department. See "brightest ring of angels around me." And because you say things like that up there. And because you're an amazing writer and my hairstylist. And because you agree with me about the gay sex/not sex thing. And understand it, etc.

AND, dear Rachel/Mercury/Noxious:

Ghost Sex: That's when you have sex with someone who's no longer recognizable, making love to the shell of someone who's mind or soul is elsewhere. That's their body, their form, their heat, but maybe somewhere along the line you lost them, or they lost themselves, or their minds.

Or it's related to ghost stories told at night? Flashlight to face, psssstttt you up?, etc.

Lain: Didn't "House" have a good song in it's previews? Or a bad song? Hm. I used to like The OC until Season Three. Then things started getting lame.

Lynnie: I know the cruise'll be totes fun because of the compannyyyyyy...wheeee....

I know, the lyrics of Survivor are so PERFECT, but I never liked that song so much. I love "Me Myself and I" etc. And "Irreplaceable." I wish I did it would be empowering. I really like TLC though. No Scrubs indeed. !!

blox-tox said...

hey riese,

i know i havent postin comments fow a while and i am very sorry because i do think all those work u put into a single post deserves all the beautiful words from your fans all over the world.

anyway, i hope ur feeling better and that T key is replaced and i want a therapist! i think i need one...

promise from now on gonna post a comment on every single one of ur post.. just been really busy u kno, being a barista can get really exhausting.. lol, if u r here i could make u the most kick ass latte ever! or anything u want...

alright, take it easy...


Mercury said...

agreed: ghost sex is that.

Also: the kind of sex you have when you're trying to do something else by having sex, ie, you're trying to distract yourself/forget something/forgive yourself/prove something to yourself/feel stronger/hotter/more tender/more lost/more found, you're trying to do anything that has something to do with anything but the person you're with.

Annie said...

today i had people at borders AND b&n look up "the bigger the better, the tighter the sweater" for me. both of them immediately stared at my boobs, which fell into none of the above categories (bigger, better, sweater). neither store carried it. so i'll order it online. to make a long comment short, you're welcome for the seven cents.

Abby said...

Hey Riese I know or I think I have read that you don't like cats but PLEASE check this out
When I first saw it my face hurt so bad from laughing... but maybe I'm odd... Please don't judge me.
Agree about The OC but it totally redeems itself in season 4 (my gf makes me watch it) by being quite funny and entertaining.