Friday, August 29, 2008

What You See is YES WE CAN: "Vote Autowin in '94" VIDEO! Flannel, Flannel Everywhere!

If there was a ride at Disneyworld called "The 1994 Experience" or "Carousel of Progress to 1994," we could all time travel to 1994 and then I'd totally win the Hot Blogger Contest, 'cause that's the year I wore headgear and a lot of flannel. Also, I LOVE time travel. If you haven't voted for me yet, what are you waiting for?! Don't you believe in freedom? Actually, looking back on the 26 prestigious years of my life, I think I probs looked the worst between '93-'96. When I'm a senior citizen, it's likely I'll look like Dorothy from Golden Girls (on account of my towering amazonian stature), which'll be depressing, so then I'm gonna OD on Vioxx and die beautiful like Kurt Cobain. See, I kinda just brought it back around.

See, I could pack right now, or get my life together or cry violently, but why do that when I could campaign? I love campaigning! So many fleetingly imperative blogging contests to auto-win, so little time! Maybe I should put my actual banner back up. Actually the problem now is that I can't find my actual banner anywhere on my hard drive.

Anyhow! I'm short on time, so I decided that 'cause I'd already begun making a tribute to 1994 video for part two of the "Back in the 90's" Top Ten, I could easily transform that artistic masterpiece into my campaign video! Obvs I was inspired by Obama tonight, YES WE CAN! Also I especially liked Barney Smith. That man is gonna be a star like Haviland.

The picture is smashed or something. Much like life itself, I can't seem to make this work. I'm aiming for the Top 40, like Casey Casum! Click out to the youtube page to see it in high quality. Also when you are in the male section, obvs vote for Atherton.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Dear Auto-Fun of the Day, Why Would I Ever Pick a New Question?

I love Freedom!
[jk, it's paralyzing ...]
On a scale of one to ten, this post was initially a valiant initiative! Now it's just a bunch of random stuff; straight from my brain/room to your screen. I have a lot of things. I've got that sore/achey fibro feeling in my bones and arms from The Sads and also from not leaving my apartment for three days (I'm not being dramatic this time, it's true) but if I don't leave this place to at least work out tomorrow I think my heart might revolt and eat my brain. I've got gratitude to my helpful patient friends. And so much sadness, too. I try not to think about it. I've just discovered Xanax! What a treat.

Hey, vote for me, I'm getting DEMOLISHED.

When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing. The first stop is a storage unit. The next stop is a couch, I guess, and then another couch. It's cool, I like sleeping on couches. I am so sad right now I'm sorry I can't do this. This typing thing, the exclamation points. Waa. I am lucky to have so many good friends though they are such beautiful souls, we all need to meditate together on the balcony by the waves wink wink.

it's vintage.
where did those pink pants come from? holler hard tail!
Look what Vashti drew!
(Look at my blogger profile for the source material)
1. Oh, vote for me! Voting ends on August 31st! I have this strange suspicion, based on what I see in the mirror, that I'm not a shoo-in for the Hot Blogger Calender Contest, but I've been nominated and you know I'm very competitive and don't like to lose. Actually, the art of losing is not hard to master. OMG! I just went to to find the URL to link to this poem, and what was the quote of the g*dforsaken day? FROM THAT POEM. This, my friends, is what we call chickens.

Clearly Julia Alison owns this contest, but I'd like second or fifteenth place. I don't want to earn it -- I know that like Miranda Hobbes you've always liked me for my personality. Haviland is the hot one, I'm the cool one. But I'd like to win second place as a joke. I prefer massive jokes over all other forms of communication except telegrams.

I'm not sure how exactly this contest is related to calendars, but I hope the prize includes a new planner. I always get my planners late 'cause you can usually talk the guy into half price if you're already three months into the year. So the first three months of the year are somewhat up for grabs, so do what you want to do fine.

"From motherhood to mirror gazing to best friends that got away -- if a woman has a feeling, the forest gathers around her, processes, and consequently births an anthology."
-Chicken Soup For the Queer Girls' Soul, by Marie "Riese" Lyn Bernard, on pages 71-72 of INTERLUDE MAGAZINE

quote: "We were stupid for disrespecting the limits places before us. For tearing up the fabric of songs wise enough to acknowledge limits. For making songs of rape and death and then disappearing inside them. For trying to go everywhere and know everything. We were stupid, spoiled, and arrogant. But we were right, too. We were right to do it even so." (Mary Gaitskill, Veronica)

1. Where Did All the Drunk Writers Go? (@the new review)
2. School Wars: Politicians, billionares and mavericks all want to save public schools. They won't. Parents will. (@GOOD)
3. 2 A.M. is my New Midnight (@achtung baby!)
4. P.S., guess who's totally a movie star? (@the chi chi pekor express times-daily-record-eagele)
5. Where the Urban Dream is Going Cheap: What could possibly make someone want to leave New York and move to Buffalo? (@nymag)
6. Rachel Maddow interview: "I don't, this is going to sound crazy, I don't like talking about my personal life. I don't like talking about the media. These aren't my topics. I'm really interested in Afghanistan. That's what I want talk about." (@jezebel)
7. Radar's Semi-Scientific Study of the Worst Colleges in America: categories include "Most Stoned" and "Most Overrated." (@radaronline)
8. Bright Lights, Big Screens : notes on the democractic convention (
9. "The two individuals perhaps most responsible for transforming the West Village from what it was ten years ago into what it is today are Carrie Bradshaw and Marc Jacobs." : Enchanted (@the new yorker)

insomnia poem #11:

here: you be the needle
and I'll be the thread
let's [never] go to bed

and over those sheets
she'll soar, we'll all meet
please take this seat you are so sweet
i mean that so delicious


so the thing is that my back hurts
could you hold this for just a block
this book, my heart, my things, this shock

in the future they will see
digital beautiful glittered gloom
silence here is not shouting fire,
in that crowded room

the thing is i'll be fine i mean it so fine yeah
just fine emphasis on just

but the thing is i got too excited about flying
I'm Icarus so
I'm on fire,
here's the sun;

but we ha/d/ve/


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I've Been Tired for Days and Days

Hi guys! Sorry I've not posted since Sunday. I guess that's not a super long time, but I'm in a time warp as most of my waking activity has taken place within a six foot ratio of my desk. Howevs, my desk will be moved shortly, and then if my desk gets up, we'll all get up! It'll be ANARCHY! I'll do part two of the 90's and all that soon, like maybe tomorrow or something. Also, y'all should order LYING online, [Auto-Win Book Club's Second Book Club Book] it's impossible to find in bookstores. We'll start reading together on September 1st. If you've already started/finished, you are still in the running to be America's Next Top Model.

I invite all people both young and old to email me your terrible photos from the mid-nineties for Part Two of the Top Ten.

Also, thanks to everyone who's been ordering 'zines and auto-gear! My magical girlfriend has been dutifully popping those 'zines into the mail like hot potatoes into a hot potato cooker. Yay! I hope some of y'all will be getting some yours today or later this week.

gossip whirl

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sunday Top Ten: Way Back in the 90's, PART ONE

Prior to 2003, my little brother (Year Of Birth: 1984) was the youngest person alive. In '03, my boyfriend (YOB: 1983 -- alarmingly young, and the only youngster I'd ever dated) cheated on me with an '87-born girl who sported the AIM handle "AllyBoo," making HER the youngest person alive. Now, thanks to the internets, I know many young people, and it is a truth universally acknowledged that A;ex/Semicolon (YOB:1985555) is now the youngest person alive. I'd like to cite Stef, who recently addressed a young commenter (who didn't know about 'zines) with this: "Your profile says you were born in 1987, making you even younger than semicolon, so maybe you missed out on the golden age of the 'zine."

It's mind-boggling; all these young people who missed so many important things by only a few years. Change moves quickly these days, and Hav & I (high school class of '99) find even our Class of '01 friends don't know much about Angela Chase. Heartbreaking. Unfortunately, VH1's premature nostalgia ejaculations have covered our exclusive 90's nostalgia territory before we could -- not that I've seen 'em, but you know how I love reading about teevee.

See, I'm [really thinking about] packing [for moving] right now, which makes this week a prime-time for time travel, as I'm [sure I'll be] stumbling upon massive amounts of shit from the 90's that I've still got around. Why do I keep these things? I don't know. I mean! 'Cause I'll need this stuff when I write my book! And 'cause one day this photo of Claire Danes from Seventeen will be worth millions on the 'bay! I'm gonna do this in two parts. The second part is also exciting.

Sunday Top Ten PART ONE of TWO: Things From the 90's You Should Know About

10. Sassy Magazine
Last month I read How Sassy Changed my Life, it was a delightful trip down memory lane to the little teen dream magazine that couldn't. Sassy, designed to emulate the more subversive tone employed by Australian teen magazines, launched in 1989 and was a godsend to alternateen girls all over the nation. Drawing on an audience who felt alienated by the aggressive heterosexuality and blatant appearance-based commercialism exuded by women's magazines like Seventeen, Teen, YM and Mademoiselle, Sassy was ripped mercilessly from our tender teenaged hands in 1996, therefore creating the alienation that lead us all to do drugs, become gay and recycle. There's been nothing quite like it since -- though props to JANE (founded in '97, folded in '07) and ElleGirl (founded in '01, folded in '06) for trying.

9. The Aerosmith Alicia Silverstone Music Video Trifecta

Ostensibly, these videos were about a very hot heterosexual girl (Alicia Silverstone) driven to desperate measures (usually involving desert landscapes, babydoll dresses, boots and convertibles) by bad bad bad bad boys. Secretly, all these videos were about the intense burning lesbian love affair between Alicia Silverstone (Clueless) and Liv Tyler (Empire Records ... also, she's Steven Tyler's daughter). Alicia's first boyfriend (Cryin') drives her to fake her own suicide attempt, her second (Amazin') prematurely ejaculates and plays too many video games.

Which brings me to "Crazy." Can I call Alicia "Leesh"? Okay, I will. I can best explain the plot of "Crazy" to you IN RHYME/poem form. Or you can watch the video itself.
Leesh & Liv are too cool for school
little bitty plaid skirt shimmy out the window,
baby you can sleep while I ditch the sweater
'cause two girls with the top down is better.

Worldwide seduction tour, the wide world's free
shades at our fingers, pump up the car, look at me
if you can't beat 'em, you'll undress while I take their money.

Aerosmith likes its men perpetually thirteen & on bended knee
all wanting and objectifying every shiny-haired woman they see
I spy a young supple maiden in a short skirt & wisp of tiny tee
public display of patriarchal longing, I got a sinker if you've got a hook
[or a breathy screaming line] but who cares!? I mean, just look
at the way they look
at each other.

Leesh is in drag; suit tie & hat
Liv's stripping in white shiny pants
they win the contest, ditch the boys, hop on the bed,
drive through endless fields, sky kisses heads
sun-streaked skin and sex, money laughs, hair dashes,
baby you can rock while I roll.

7. 'Zines

'Zines, obvs: I've said enough about 'zines this week (in honour of our first auto-win zine). Howevs, the Auto-Insomnia 'zine is way better than my first attempt at 'zining in 1997. The contents of Lunette included an investigation of the word "fake," a story called "How Drinking Ruined our Clique," a My So-Called Life drinking game, my brother's column about life in middle school, suggestions of "What to Do When You're Bored" (e.g., go putt putt golfing, drive way out of town and find a restaurant you've never been to and eat there, go to the top of the parking structure & spit on people), photos from our trip Mexico, The Boy Hall of Fame (two friends and Gabriel Dameon from Newsies), and my favorite part -- "Our Research Project": "Since Marie has aol (America Online) and can type really fast, we went online and asked a gazillion people what they thought about teenagers. Only a few people were willing to talk to us though. If you want to email any of these people, don't tell them where you got their names from, it's confidential." Questions included, "did you live a childhood of innocence?" and "what do you think of The Spice Girls?"


6. My So-Called Life
It's really hard to communicate with people who've not seen this show. They cannot understand the depth & importance of statements like: "I just love the way he leans," and "you're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you." Luckily fourfour breaks it all down for you in this video. Howevs, if we're going to be friends in any meaningful way, just rent the DVDs, they only had one season, it's not gonna take forever. The cancellation of MSCL was our generation's Vietnam.

5. So, Back to UsUsUs

I believe the world can be divided into three kinds of people:
1. People who didn't get braces 'cause they didn't need 'em.
2. People who had braces for 2.5 or more years. (me)
2a. and headgear, rubber bands, etc.
3. People who had braces for less than 2.5 years.

Do kids still get braces? Are they clear? I don't know what's going on in the world anymore.

Anyhow, whether you did or didn't get braces -- if you're a blogger or a reader and you've got a photo of yourself modeling through any of the days between '94 and '97, e-mail it to me, tell me your commenter name (if you have one) or blog name and you just may appear in Segment Two of the Sunday Top Ten: Way Back in the 90's.
For Installment One of "Back in the 90's" I present THE AUTO-CREW!
sans Haviland, who claims she has no photos of herself taken
between her early youth and 2005.
Suspiciously, neither did The Girl on the Milk Carton.
No but really I'd like to bring this back around to why it's a good thing I cart everything with me everywhere, 'cause you never know when your BFF is gonna request an old photo of you from the 90's.

Send your 1994, 1995, 1996 or 1997 photos to

Friday, August 22, 2008

autoerotic asphyxifunction negative 9 days from september 1st

Tinkerbell says: "Hi. This is Tinkerbell. This is the best 'zine I've ever read."
Firstly, I'd like to share something very important with y'all. Someone inquired about our employment of the word "excitant." This word will become very important to you in approximately 1-3 months. I can't tell you why. But! Grasshopper, let me tell you where it comes from. In order to do this, we must "time travel" (if you will) to January 11th. 'Twas a younger time of cold snow-showers, multiple birthday parties, extensive L Word recaps, and many feelings. You remember. You were there, unless you're Bernie Mac or something ... well, I guess he was there, he's just not HERE to remember it. Anyhow, it wasn't that long ago.

Okey dokey. ONWARD!

Jan. 11th, 2008
From: Isabella
To: Marielyn176

Hi, Marielyn
first of all compliment for the realization of this wonderful site.
I have discovered only 2 days ago and i have already read all about it.
The L world is amazing, well done, for me it rappresents freedom,love and friendship.
On the other side, the Lworld treats very important and realistic themes like homosexuality and adoption, but
otherwise it became at the same time funny, crazy and excitant.
I want to thank you for all news about the locations, the shooting, and news about Jennifer Beals I already found in.
I love her and the way she acts is fantastic and also all the cast of Lworld.
Thank you for your time...
I hope to receive some yours
Have a good 2008 and good luck for all....

From: Marielyn176
To: Caitlin, Alex, Carly
Fw: Congratulation!!!...

I love freedom, love and friendship too!!!!

From: Carly
To: Riese, Caitlin, Alex
Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

You seriously get the bessst emailsss. This is so great. Just curious, though ... what news about the locations, the shooting, and the Jennifer Beals are you giving out on your wonderful site, and where can I discover it too?
I hope to receive some yours
gossip girl

From: Caitlin
To: Carly, Riese, Alex
Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

excitant? is that a new word or like exciting and excellent morphed. clearly she has a lot of feelings.

From: Riese
To: Caitlin, Carly, Alex

Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

carly - i think i keep this information in the same place where I store my records of kate moening's comings-and-goings.

cait- I like "rappresent." It's like a combination of rapping and representing, and I don't think I can do it because, although my ass implies otherwise, I'm a white girl. I should probs tell her that.

alex- hi

the way you all act is fantastic,

gossip girl

From: Alex
To: Carly, Caitlin, Riese
Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

I can't believe you never told me where Jennifer Beals was. Isabella knows and I don't?!? Why don't you ask one of your other girlfriends!?
...and also the cast of the Lworld.

Marielyn... hi

From: Caitlin
To: Carly, Riese, Alex

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

i think actually the last line is the best. i hope to get some yours? really what does that even mean? clearly i am starting an l world blog immediately i need more emails like this in my life. maybe she's not even watching the same show as us, i mean she calls it the l world and says it's amazing, obvs she's confused on many levels.

From: Carly
To: Caitlin, Riese, Alex

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

obvs confused, fully. maybe she was watching flashdance?

From: Riese
To: Carly, Caitlin, Alex

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

Personally, I'm worried about the shooting. Is it going to be like the finale of Season Two of South of Nowhere? The black girl, obvs?

Also homosexuality is a lot of things, but it is definitely not realistic.

Maybe she's talking about "The Anniversary Party"? Did you see that? Where everyone does acid or E or something and runs around in the bushes by the pool? J-Beals and Alan Cummings are in it. I'd like to bring this back around to next week, where we'll all be high on something and dancing around the pool (sorta) (theoretically)

I financed the hell out of this realization of this site!!!?!?!?!?!?!


from: Carly
to: Caitln, Alex, Riese

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

financed the hell = easily one of my favorite things ever.

i own the anniversary party and will bring it. i heart that film.
- c.

So there you have it. Isabella is our national hero.

Back to the 'zine. Alex Vega, Number One Critter, has crafted my late-night randomness into an actual work of art. Clearly the poems are jokes and no one "gets" them, but regardless it's a really sweet and well done personal object. We've enjoyed putting it together and we'd like to share that enjoyment with you. The 'zine is offered on a sliding scale in the Auto-Store. I know all about sliding scales from when I used to go to Planned Parenthood all the time before I turned 18. But that's another story for another day.

If you're a late borner unaware of the 'zine "thing," I truly do implore you to check out the world of 'zining. I feel the zineiverse, and its involvement with the Riot Grrl movement, is one of the most important, revolutionary and genuinely earnest kickass networks/initiatives ever to come out of this heartless bankrupt world where Cherie Jaffee won't run off and live in a rank love nest with an assistant hairdresser who's barely got her foot in the door. You know?
tinkerbell loves auto-zine
gonzo = also loves auto-zine
wonders when lozo is gonna come pick him up
because he is a gift for lozo from disneyworld
these are GOLDEN. literally.
Want a 'zine? They're so hot!
Alex wants me to tell you it took her 1.5 hours to make four of these. It's like the bespoke suits I read about in Esquire.

Also Big Time Out: You guys. If you want a 'zine and can't afford it, just go the $5 route ("for anyone who's ever purchased auto-gear ever" -- I'm not fact-checking here), which almost covers shipping and paper. If you need to pay by snail mail, that's fine, get in touch. If you can't afford $5, just like - talk to me.

Clearly I'm not in the business of blogging, or bad teevee recapping, or really life in general, to make money. If you've been reading this for any length of time, you're aware that I'd rather be in massive debt, barely employed and san-savings account than ever for one moment be stingy, selfish or greedy. I think generosity is the most attractive quality a human being can have. I prefer the first amendment to a 401K and I'm fully aware that I'm first worldian and I could be living in a hut in any number of African countries inhabited by poor people forced to kill each other over t-shirts. Instead, I live in Harlem, where people shoot each other over sneakers and iPods.

Anyway, enough about me. Any writer can tell you that writing is not a capitalist sport. There's no money in this game. That's why I'm going to join the Belarus rhythmic gymnastic team. It's gonna be AWESOME.

Also, Alex is moaning at me right now about how much work went into the 'zines and that I'm selling our product short by offering it to anyone on a sliding scale. Also she's probably realizing that I will never have a savings account 'cause as soon as I get money I want to somehow give it away, and this is probably a depressing prospect.

Good point. If you can afford full cost, I promise you it's worth it. Really, I just want everyone to be happy. Really, that's all I want. I want peanut butter, the ability to pay my bills, and for everyone to be happy. Except Ann Coulter, I hope she gets hit by a bus. Also, it would be cool if everyone bought a 'zine so that I could have more money in the bank and therefore more time to do this for free. I have weird dreams all the time, my people tell me I am silly and hit me on the head. Then I'm like, "Ouch!"

quote: "I think the whole root of the matter lies in the fact that when a writer is young he feels somehow that what he is going to say is rather silly or obvious or commonplace, and then he tries to hide it under baroque ornament, under words taken from the seventeenth century writers; or, if not, and he sets out to be modern, then he does the contrary: he's inventing words all the time, or alluding to airplanes, railway trains, or the telegraph and telephone 'cause he's doing his best to be modern. Then as time goes on, one feels that one's ideas, good or bad, should be plainly expressed, because if you have an idea you must try to get that idea or feeling or that mood into the mind of the reader." (Jorge Luis Borges, Paris Review Interview)

1. One of my favorite writers Rachel Shukert asks: Are Jews to Aquatics what African-Americans are to Basketball? (@jewcy)
2. n+1 ventures into new waters with an article acknowleding the existence of the working class: Take It to the Street (@n+1)
3. Um, so. AfterEllen, in their dogged pursuit of hiring brand -new people other than me, have a fashion blogger!: Styled Out: A Boy in Girls' Clothing (@afterellen)
4. Still stoked for the Cho Show! A Comic Seeks Herself and Finds a New Series (@nytimes) AND My favorite blogger fourfour interviewed her for vh1! Yay! (@fourfour).
5. Will the recession suck for artists too? Can the economy possibly suck any more than it already does for artists? YES! YES IT CAN!: The Future of Banks and Art Giving (@portfolio)
6. Two from the guardian book blogs: If 'lesbian author' gets me publicity, than so be it and How Bestsellers chart the state of nations (@the guardian uk)
7. This is the kind of thing I find ridiculously interesting: Skirting the Issues: What do September's fashion magazines tell us about the economy? (@slate)
8. Sex and the Olympic City:I played my first Games in Barcelona in 1992 and got laid more often in those two and a half weeks than in the rest of my life up to that point. (@the guardian uk)
9. Sorry I can't seem to not care about this and reaalllly especailly this!.
10. Look it's me and Caitlin's new apartment (@gizmodo)

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Semi-automatic DIY Mechanics : 'Zine Issue #1 is (almost) more fun than day-dreaming on 8-20-08

Look what all the cool kids are doing when they can't sleep?
Last night The Mighty Rockford Peaches played & lost another basketball game. I wasn't there, I was at home, popping codeine for my aching back and doing arts & crafts 'cause I wanted to have something to show for myself when semicolon returned from the Tough Game. "Look!" I told Twitter: "I made an insomnia poetry book!" And Twitter said it was good.

As y'all know, if a tree falls in a forest and no-one hears it, who cares? Similarly, if I make a 'zine for tinkerbell but not for the blogopshere, then no-one can comment on it, and then it doesn't count. So, semicolon took my hodge-podge slapshot creation away from my feeble hands and transformed it into SLAPSHOT MAGIC. It's packed with 10 insomnia poems, including one you can't find on the internets! Special BOOK EXCLUSIVE. Want one?

Of course you do! It's super cheap, free shipping for everyone, even for the sleeping children of Narnia. You'll also get free Auto-Straddle stickers! Also I did the cover art, just saying. (Babypop did the lettering, I drew a pickshur of myself) I'm very multi-talented. Even if you've not read it, if you think you know how good it's gonna be, please share in the comments. We'll be collecting blurbs for the back cover today.

Check out some sample pages:


BTW, I've had a long love affair with the 'zine, having hit adolescence at the zenith of the riot grrl/zine-ing explosion. I had one, I've got many, and I could talk about 'zines all day. Perhaps theres 2-3 girls in the audience tonight who know what I'm talking about. Can I get a witness? Maybe I'll take a field trip to the Barnard Zine Libraray to get back into the craft. 'Cause that's what I need. Another non-profit hobby. Also, FYI Blogs are not zines..

[croadcore /cristy c.road]
Since I was on a roll with the arts&crafts I applied a similar can-do spirit to figuring out the store HTML & consequently did auto-store inventory. If you visit the store page, you may notice that I'm slashing prices like Wal-Mart. Why? 'Cause I'm moving and I'm trying to get rid of 50% of my stuff ... and 'cause I wanna get crackin' on the next round of auto-gear STAT using colors like grey and black 'cause this time we picked some SERIOUS colors and Crystal only wears black. I think my design team didn't realize that many people (especially men & lesbians) aren't neon sprites of rock 'n roll and pop-pleasure like my lovely friends are, and these darker souls want something subtle. Also I learned a lot about you people doing inventory, like that none of y'all are skinny like Shane 'cause XS boy-briefs are still fully stocked! They don't fit me either, but I have an ethnic ass. Chase the remains of auto-gear stock at the store (we're out of Papi-tees in Medium, FYI, so grab the last Large NOW!) here.

If you ever at any point purchased auto-gear or are purchasing it now, you have the option of clicking the "with auto-gear" button next to the 'zine and you can get a copy UNDER COST -- yes, just $5 sweet bucks. For the former -- you're fully welcome to pay full price if you want, but I totally get it if you want to get a bargain 'cause the auto-gear was full price. Also don't underestimate the power of where your money went: The Super-Important Foundation for Riese's Brill Ideas/Recaps and The Layla Love Angel Fund. Seriously, you're all very special and I love you all as friends. Except for the meanies.
Last year I blogged about Dream-Whip, my favorite 'zine of all time, and the good folks at Microcosm Publishing sent me all this awesome stuff, like Cristy C. Road's zine Indestructible (initially intended to be the final issue of GREENZINE). All the art in this post is Cristy' s. Also, she's in that Live Through This: On Creativity and Self Destruction book I threw out there for Book Club #1 and read anyway.
quote: "Sometimes as I'm drifting towards sleep, in the beginnings of that dissolution, I wonder where I am, when this is, and realize that at these moments I could be anywhere, anytime, for all I know: eight and napping in the trailer, my broken arm in a cast, or thirteen at night clutching a pillow to my neck, or twenty in the arms of my boyfriend, or twenty-seven in the arms of my husband or thirty-three next to my imaginary daughter; at every place in the whole spinning shape that is my life, when I am falling asleep, I am the same person, the identical awareness, the same fuzzball of mind, the same muck of nerves, all along the line. I forage through my life and everywhere -- there, there, and there -- it is only me in it, the very same me, the same harmless lump, the same soggy weirdo, the same sleeping, breathing bun." (Lorrie Moore, "Angarams")

1) Perez Hilton Burned Up the Blogosphere, Cosmetics, Fashion -- and Music (@wired)
2) I wanted to link to this article but it's just for Harper's subscribers so I extended my privileges to y'all and downloaded it for you to download from me: Elegy for a Rubber Stamp by Lewis H. Lapham, on the memorializing of Tim Russert: "I don't doubt that Russert was as good at the game as anybody in Washington, but why the five-star goodybe? ... why a requiem mass for a pet canary? (@harpers)
3) Why Zines Won't Die (@good magazine - 2007)
4) What kind of person Blogs ? (@bps research digest) and Who Blogs? (@science direct). E.g., neurotic females = likely to blog.
5) I Meet the Business End of Citibank's Anti-Adult Business Policy (@waking vixen)
6) It's a Maddow Maddow Maddow World: "Huzzah huzzah and glory be! Today is a day of great jubilation and celebration here at Broadsheet!" (@salon)
7) "What's the Buzz?": the search for the perfect caffeine-infused snack, (
8) 14 Ways to Use Twitter Politely (@the morning news)
9) How "the man" kept Playgirl down: Believe it or not, there was a time when women read Playgirl for the articles. (@maclean's CA)
10) Baring their souls: From Carole King to Tori Amos, confessional artists have sung with searing honesty about everything from divorce to menstruation. As Liz Phair's classic album Exile in Guyville is re-released, Laura Barton celebrates the women who shared their dreams and demons. (@the guardian uk)
11) Awake by Tobias Wolff (@the new yorker)


Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sunday Top Ten: We Didn't Do It

"We think of our lives as a series of events ... of things happening one after another. But it's just as accurate to see our lives as a series of things that don't happen to us."
(Ira Glass, intro to "We Didn't" episode of This American Life)

She did it, she boarded and flew all the way across the country, away from New York's industrial erections and valiantly towards somewhere that made up for its failed promises in baths of well-lit potential and it wasn't just her who did it. People move in body if not in mind, and finish novels and start revolutions and quit jobs and lose weight and get really into yoga and sometimes I do and I will but when you think about it -- and I have, 'cause I have a lot of thoughts happening at once in my head -- there's way way more things that I didn't do.

Sunday Top Ten
We Didn't Do It

exhibit a: things i was gonna do

10. California Here I Come
I didn't move to California or Michigan but I L.A apartment-hunted online. I didn't say goodbye to all that and disappear like heaven on wheels but if I'd had the financial means I would've left this apartment before they asked me to but I didn't so I didn't. I didn't move to Walden Pond but I looked on craigslist for cabins in the woods. I didn't leave for the summer or the winter but I packed for both. I didn't move to Australia but I downloaded the form to get a passport and left it on my desktop where it still stands today, awaiting my attention, having survived the acquisition and subsequent fall of a new passport in the meantime.

9. You Had Time
I didn't write my book. I took a lot of notes. Mom & I voyaged to the Michigan storage space to excavate the artifacts of my little life and Mom said she'd kill me for losing the key to my locker's lock 'cause we had to pay for a chainsaw 'cause I was supposed to hold onto the key but I didn't. I read books for research and I assembled my notes & research & wrote an outline, marketing plan, etc. But I didn't write the actual book 'cause I'm not ready for such substantial truths and so I decided to write a novel instead but I didn't. But I will. "Did you know it took Diaz 11 years to write Wao?" I wrote to my agent. "This segues neatly into my next topic ..."

8. Falling is Like This
I didn't jump out the window but I did forgive you except for the few times later on when I didn't. I didn't overdose on anything though I felt my heart beat so hard inside my chest I thought it might leap right out of my body on legs of its own, bound across the city and get on a plane and leave me all alone, heartless. I didn't ever go heartless but I did get sad and mean. I thought I could make it all better and I tried but I didn't.

7. Out of Range
I didn't apply for an M.F.A. program but I sat at B&N with books and copied down lists of the best schools, sent out for brochures to put into the file folder "Graduate Programs." So I didn't move to a room of my own in Iowa City where it'd get so quiet at night that I'd feel my sober heart beat like a horse. I didn't move to Missoula to forget about reality and embrace my past friends as characters.

6. And Darling
I didn't write back to many emails & I've got 182 e-mails in my draft folder and some of them are for blog-readers. I generally try to discard drafts rather than keep them but sometimes 'cause of auto-save I didn't.

Of the 182 e-mails I never sent: 33% = to exes, 33% = jobs , 20% = angry rants to friends & 10% = emails I thought I DID send but didn't.

These are the titles of some of the emails I didn't send: Sancho is Not Retarded, obvs it's me so it's not good news, STOP., Typist Position, that's fine I'll send you three emails in a row I'm not above that, portfolio samples, copy gig, part-time assistant, your blog makes my firefox crash, fall or silence, UPDATE, room for rent, communication, re: apts and such, Pick Me! So Qualified!, um., guestbian blog, the summer they electrocuted the rosenbergs, this is stuff for my book that i am going to write about myself because i am self-centered, home is where my habits have a habitat, some things i wanted to say to you.

exhibit b: things i was gonna do
5. If I Gave You my Number
I didn't try to track down anyone's phone number when my phone got stolen so I didn't ever keep in touch with anyone I knew before that time though I didn't ever say I would anyway so I didn't.

4. Take me Anywhere
I didn't go to Reno or China or the West Indies but I researched plane fares and packing lists and room rates. I didn't go to Paris and I didn't apply for Yaddo but I did download the application & inserted it into the "writing-work related" folder and I bookmarked some web pages.

3. Walking With A Ghost
I didn't start The Factory but I watched Factory Girl and started to read The Diary of Andy Warhol but I didn't finish it. I looked at warehouses online all over the country but I didn't look at any in 3-D but I still believe in it and I'll make it happen, I didn't yet but I will.

2. Fix You Up
I didn't make my resumè into the kick-ass thing it wants to be but I did look at resume examples and read books about resumès and made ten different copies of my resumè for different kinds of jobs but I don't like any of them. I didn't put together a copywriting portfolio but that's 'cause Brian didn't send me my samples and I asked him twice. I didn't call Natalie's temp agency and I didn't work at the new Starbucks just to make it go faster and I didn't start that Sacred Altar business with Mary or sell that teevee show with Carly and I didn't send that new pitch to New York Magazine and I didn't do the Best Idea EVER yet but I WILL.

1. As Cool as I Am
I didn't stop writing this blog. I didn't do another comment contest or make Autowin totebags or black shirts or continue Great Mysteries of Life or The Year in Review. But I mean I'm still writing this blog. That's something.

I thought the whole world was gonna change in January and it did but it didn't change exactly how we'd expected. But when I say now that I feel like things are falling in place I'm not taking about magic anymore, or blessings or karma, I'm just talking about people and stability and change and calm that's tangible. It's like the year of magical thinking, and if you haven't read it I'm not giving anything away when I quote the last lines: "You had to feel the swell change. You had to go with the change. [John] told me that. No eye is on the sparrow but he did tell me that."

I love ending a blog on an obliquely optimistic note. I think if I sound vague, it's 'cause I feel vague too. Vague ... but good.

I'm trying to think of the biggest thing I didn't do and I'll write about that later but first I'll ask you; what didn't you do this year?

Friday, August 15, 2008

auto-da-fè. fundamentals. the day: august 15. 2008.

[al vertigo]

insomnia poem #10

i'm not in school anymore
but i like to change my whole life
every august; second nature, fluid future
i dreamed last night i pressed the accelerator
when i meant to brake/break.

is there an expiration date
on bad habits. on self-destruction.
at first, you've done something for a few days.
e.g., a drink, a person, a pill
and then before you know it
it's a month
and then suddenly
(gradually, and then suddenly)
it's been years and years.

secretly i'm a lightweight
but good at playing it straight
men used to drive me
and today i listened to fiona apple by accident
because of the alphabet
reminded me of driving my white car to his house and
it will be dark, we will yell at each other
on the driveway. as if things like this
[our words, the vast empty in-state air
full of nothing but what we gave it]
are a matter of life or suicide.

little edie: "there are other ways to kill yourself
i really do think
then swigging down that awful stuff.
it's fire-water."

back to school,
aren't you cool
get ready to rule.

if you're still wondering about the dream
i switched feet before
i saved myself

quote: "... I knew: if I really forgave her, something vast and infinite would open up inside me, some place wide and blue, and I couldn't enter such a place. It would be like some kind of health spa -- where you go in naked, without any things. God, would I ever be lost in a place like that." (stacey richter, "the beauty treatment")

1. I have way too many feelings about this article (No. #1: How does this writer have a job writing about lesbians in pop culture and I don't?): A New Meaning for Lesbian Chic (@afterellen)
2. One of many problems with the one-child policy in China: Plight of the Little Emperors (@psychology today)
3. Only the Lonely - on loneliness, lonerhood, etc. (@the smart set)
4. Balancing Your Books Budget: Reading for the Recession. (@the guardian uk books)
5. Apparently all the other ladies are making serious money from blogging. Dooce, dooce, dooce, my loins, my love, dooce, c'mon, tell me your secrets ... (@the nytimes)
6. The Sexualization of Female Olympians. (@feministing)
7. Inside the Nation's Largest Mental Institution. (@npr)
8. Black Models Take Off. (@the village voice)
9. Adventure on the Moors! A Bronte "Choose Your Own Adventure." You are Mr. Lockwood, a businessman and a plucky intrepid detective from London ... (@yankee pot roast)
10. Five Years Ago Today (yesterday), we were in the dark: When the Lights Went Out. (@the nytimes)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

i'm a VLOG Crash, but i have to get up, and every morning it's a clean-up

Y'all, I'm still waiting for my copies of LYING to come in the mail, so all apologies to anyone waiting on auto-gear or contest updates. In the meantime, I'd suggest deerskin, k-mart, and modge podge. Guess what? I made a vlog. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a "three." We answer two "advice column" questions, though they were more like the kinds of questions you'd ask your girlfriends while enjoying a game of Girl Talk. Still every child deserves his or her day in the sunshine -- or behind the veil of a color filter I can't seem to get rid of.

So! I should be a salesman! Here it is -- Hav & Riese Vlog 467. I mean, 29.

Also: send your questions to We've already gone through all the questions except two, and we can't answer those two until we get two more, which means someone's sitting at home with a girlfriend who's got a massive crush on Susan Powter not knowing what the eff to do with herself. You can make stuff up, we won't know, unless you're one of the 3-4 people we speak to regularly. We just want to tell you what to do! That's all we ever want to do! Help people! The meat of this blog -- the words and the video -- would suggest I might need someone to help me. But before the storm, please welcome the pleasing valleys of its meadow for now.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

automatic writing is fun and no day but today, 8-12-08

[Hello! It's me, the sidenote-in-brackets! I'm still waiting for LYING to come in the mail. When it does, all ye auto-gear buyers & contest enter-ers will have your glorious moment. There's still time to order stylish clothing for the whole family.]

So, Peaches closed up. She was a good writer and had a cute ass. Sigh.

Lozo is gonna become a sports blog for a week in September 'cause he's dissatisfied with the best sports blogs lately so he's gonna try to do it himself. Maybe I'll turn Auto-Straddle into a full-fledged After-Ellen/Queerty/Our Chart BUT BETTER blog for a week. I could solicit donations in exchange for earplugs that Haviland once wore in her actual ears. Basically what I'm offering you is a chance to enter the solar system on the tails of a big bright shining star. Take it or leave it.

Actually; that's not such a bad idea. I could persuade my favorite lesbos to write fun things [pay it forward!], and I could see my friends even less than I already do. Okay I just had like 50 ideas at once, I need to take a nap. Or go to sleep. Ha!

Yeondoo Jung's series "Wonderland"
[it features staged photographs from children's drawings.
It's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, like ... ever.]


insomnia poem #9:

i was playing "swimming pool"
when my computer froze

under the ice, hearts beating still
inspiration's dumb dirt has done its best to
be soil, to rise up. i make my own snacks.
right now it's nuts & dark chocolate in a zip-lock bag,
delicious like sid vicious.
this is the skinny bitch diet.

i don't remember the last time i cried
i used to cry every day.

january '02 i said to jake: "everyone's a couple now.
everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend now."
including me, including jake, including everyone
like i said everyone everyone everyone is coupled now
and i asked "why is that?"
and jake said: "because of 9-11!"

he got married this year it was in the times
same girl, they wed on a big green farm (it was in the times)
everything like pearly fine wine

crystal always says "whinge" not "whine."
she does this
because of australia.

I like the idea
that complaints have wings,
that they can fly
that they can carry everyone along.

quote: "Life can't be sustained under the pressure of so many eyes. Even as we try to reveal the mystery of ourselves, to catch it unawares, expose its pulse and flinch and peristalsis, the truth has slipped away, burrowed further inside a dark, coiled privacy that replenishes itself like blood. It cannot be seen, much as one might wish to show it. It dies the instant it is touched by light." (from Jennifer Egan, Look At Me)
1. The Lesbian Lifestyle, the website that accidentally gave me second place in the Best Lesbian Blog of the Year Contest (clearly I deserved an A+ or a medal, not a second place), got innovative with their bid for a free copy of our next book club book LYING: A MEMOIR and interviewed Haviland "Chi Chi" Pekor and it's super awesome for serious! Also they got a little redesign over there & it looks hot. Read it! My favorite part is the girl that commented "I had no idea who she was" and the one that said "growl!" To that, I imagine HPS would have only one thing to say: "RAWR." (Will this paragraph last 'til tomorrow? We'll see!) (@the lesbian lifestyle)
2. "Race: The Impossible Conversation" includes Why Obama Isn't Doing Better in the Polls and Talking About Not Talking About Race. (@nymag)
3. I have a lot of questions about this article: Pornography: The Oldest Patron? (@the guardian uk books)
4. Sunday Conversation: "Interview with Weeds star Justin Kirk" (@la times)
5. Sam is doing my fashion icon: The Ronsons as The Royal Tennenbaums (@vanity fair)
6. FriendFeed crawls Twitter, Flickr and YouTube so you don't have to. (@slate)
7. I can't, 'cause I haven't seen Season Two yet, but you can: Watch the Heroes Scenes the Strike Rescued You From (@io9)
8. Statistics reveal: "An African American family with the same income, family size, and other demographics as a white family will spend about 25 percent more of its income on jewelry, cars, personal care, and apparel." A New Theory of the Leisure Class: Inconspicuous Consumption (@the atlantic)
9. Watch this, it's so spot-on, I love it: Cosmopolitan Institute Completes Decades-Long Study on How To Please Your Man (@the onion news)
10. The sad part is that all of these people will fail and the factory will succeed.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Sunday Top Ten: I Used to be a Superhero, No One Could Touch Me, Not Even Myself

Google has many superpowers, like keeping track of everything I do. E.g., Google tells me I've apparently perused the wikipedia entry on superpowers many times, leading me to think, halfway through writing this week's Top Ten, "Omg, have I written on this topic already? Why have I already read this wikipedia page 10 times? Am I that interested in phasing through walls?"

So. A brief Autowin PSA (see what I did there? That's what Lozo does): Does this post feel familiar? If it does, you oughta lay off the pipe and/or you might be thinking about Channukisits Wish List Things I Can't Have Because They Don't Exist. This isn't that. This is SO different. When I wrote that, I'd never even seen Heroes. Though I'd heard plenty about it since Haviland talked about it constantly. Also; December's basically ten years ago, who knows what I wanted back then, probs an innocent youthful frivolity like Tickle Me Elmo. And coal, I always want coal and I never get it. It's kinda like how Claire Bennett is always asking people to shoot her in the head with a nail gun and they won't do it.

My friend asked me last week if I think it's possible for her to find a boyfriend who will be willing to smack her in the face & make her bleed during sex but also hold her hand at crosswalks and cuddle during teevee-time. Obvs I said the latter is part of someone's essential being and the former can be taught. Anyhow, if she had Regenerative powers like Claire Bennett it wouldn't be such a big deal. She could be like "See? my lip isn't busted anymore, time for muffins!"

Um, so guess what i discovered this week? Gawker Media has this i09 blog about Science Fiction and ... it's secretly like; the awesomest thing they've got going on over there. I'm really upset right now that Season Two of Heroes isn't out on DVD for another ten days, so I've only seen Season One.

Oh, also; when writing the Top Ten about Needing an Unpaid Intern, I requested the following in all applicants:

"One or more of the following super-powers: Seeing Through Walls, Precognition, Cross-Dimensional Awareness, Zach Morris Time Freeze, Flying, Spider-Vision, Telekinesis, Ability to Teach Public School in a Low-Income District, Go-Go Gadget 'Brella."

The thing about superpowers is that we witness their application in extreme-stakes books/movies/tv shows/comics, so trying to think about how these powers would apply to my actual life isn't easy (though I think that's the point of Heroes, right? Like, let me light your cig with my finger, etc.?) And there's all kinds of powers that, when employed in everyday life, are sort of assclownish things to do; mind control, memory manipulation, etc. That's mean. Hiro wouldn't do that. He also wouldn't be invisible just to steal money.

Do you ever think about what your team's superpowers would really be in real life? I'd probs get telepathy 'cause I tend to know what people are thinking more often than most people. (or psychometry) (or automatic writing, 'cause of auto-win). Caitlin would get Claire Bennett healing powers or Peter Petrelli powers 'cause she can fix everything and make everything okay when we think our guts are bleeding or we've taken a sword to the soul, etc. Powers would be very useful now for her to get over The Plague. Haviland might get power bestowal (bringing out other people's latent powers) or shape-shifting 'cause of her supreme acting skills, A;ex would have her energy manipulation/conversion for bringing happiness & light into a room, thus warming its energy. Also eternal youth = A;ex. Natalie would have persuasion 'cause she charms everyone's pants off.

Questions like "What superpowers would my friends have?" are the questions you can ask yourself if you want to waste your life and squander the best most beautiful days of your maidenhood straight away. I know I do.
10. Telepathy: When I was little/innocent, I wanted more than anything to read minds. I dreamt of a magic ticker w/red words that we'd wear like wristwatches to illustrate our companion's secret thoughts. Now I don't want telepathy. Now when I want to figure out what someone's thinking, I just write stories.

I learned my lesson well & young by doing what many wannabe mind-readers do -- reading journals. It's heartbreaking, actually, 'cause we've all got callousness underscoring expressed affections. I don't wanna know what anyone's thinking anymore. It'd be nice to have telepathy for lie-detecting, I guess, and in work situations to tailor my output. I guess I'd just have to be careful. Generally I feel that ignorance is bliss.

9. Flying: Does anyone know if you can wear a backpack while you're flying? Like if I wanted to go to L.A. to visit Haviland or go to Vegas to see Bette Midler, would I be able to take someone with me, a là Lois & Clark, or could I take a carry-on suitcase or duffel bag or something? Someone get back to me on this, thank you, pronto, Olympics Oshmylics. I can't travel without Caitlin and five v-neck t-shirts so I need to know ASAP thanks.

8.Technopathy: I'd have about 75% less mental breakdowns if, instead of having to call the Apple people & shell out $50 for them to tell me to control-alt-delete and then bring it to the store, I could just be like "Mac! Get your shit together!" Also, I'd like to be able to control ATM machines, it's so Tom Collins. And I could find Rovermom, track her down, and tell her I know that's not really her on her myspace profile, it's Alice.

7. Power Absorption: This works better if your peer group also has powers. But I'd settle for powers that are helpful, if not necessarily "super." Of all powers; infinity. Of all potential dwellings; sky. I'd like to pick up someone's social skills. Swimming is a thing I never mastered. It would've been easier if I had, and my basketball skills could help the Rockford Peaches win a game maybe, eventually. I'd stand next to LeBron James and just wait to dunk. I'd speak like Obama, make applesauce like my Mama, flip like Oksana. I'd also like to be able to speed-read like Caitlin and speak multiple languages.

6. Duplication: My Mom used to respond to many of my childish requests by saying "There's only one of me!", etc., 'cause I wanted her to do a lot of things, I was very into activities. I'd like there to be another me to visit Pathmark , do my laundry, call the dentist, stand in line to return things, and go to the post office. Hm, maybe all I need is an assistant, e.g., Monica Lewinsky or Jessica.

OK! Fine. I'd like the other me to handle unproductive emotions, too. It can sit in the dark, feel sad, watch Sugar Rush youtube videos, eat pizza in her underwear. She can scream at night to see if anyone can hear her. My replicant can face my fears for me. E.g., life.

6a.Temporal Duplication: I would like to see the old me. I mean all people really talk/write about is what we used to be like, what we might be like later on. I'm not certain the present is real. If I saw the old me on a street corner, I'd ask for directions. She'd lead me to an even younger me and then I could look at her and figure things out. Also I could get my 50 year old self back here and make sure all her organs are okay.

5. Enhanced Memory: I spend a lot of time looking things up. Like how superpowers work or what song lyric is running through my head. I also forget what people say and I forget what I read and I'd like to just be so super smart, I'd just remember all of it, every every minute! Even the hard parts. I feel like this could help my friends too, especially on their birthday. And y'all, 'cause I would've remembered Strunk & White.

4. Time Manipulation: See also; Zach Morris Timeout. You could use it when you need another minute. Then I'd never be late for anything. In matters of lateness, it is best to pick me up. If only I could fly or teleport. Superheroes bring themselves back around.

3. Mediumship: I could hang out with my Dad again forever. I could have dinner with Dana Fairbanks, River Phoenix, Oscar Wao, Andy & Edie, Strunk & White, Amelia Earhart, Lassie and Caroline Knapp. Also if someone needed a good band for their party and DJ Carlytron couldn't do it, I could be like "Hang on, I've got Elvis on line one," or whatever. Beethoven, The Four Tops, whatever it is you senior citizens are into these days.

2. Regenerative Power (healing): I'd like to fix people when they are hurt. I could walk with danger but never die, which's surprisingly relevant in Planet Harlem. At night, I could walk to Pathmark in boots and hot pants like a bat out of Sixth Avenue/hell and a bullet to my brain would be like a messy splinter. Then I could get my ice cream and go home, clickity-clack clickity-clap. Basically I could act in the city like I did when I was 18, which's to say = sans fear. Also if anyone else got hurt, I could fix them. Then I'd probs feel guilty that I wasn't always fixing people all the time and then I'd develop the most complex complex EVER! But it would be worth it to make everything better.

1. Teleportation:
This is all I've ever wanted, ever, in my whole life. I think the best I'll do is a chauffeur. He'll drug me and throw me into a giant car and on the inside it'd feel like sleeping inside a giant slick shoe. Then he'd wake me up and deposit me. Everyone would be invited to travel with me. There will be champagne.

Also; as a side note, I used to get so jealous of kids in books who figured out how to turn their animals or toys to life, like Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") and the whole premise of Indian in the Cupboard. Actually I still am. I feel like Tinkerbell could hang out with me for the next 20 days or so.

OMG!!! I just had an amazing idea! What if The L Word spinoff was a sci-fi show? Firstly, Max could be whatever gender he/she wants. Secondly, Dana could come back and be the lead character and Shane's sexual prowess would be replaced by complete mind control powers and Jodi could dance even wearing a bed-sham when she can't hear the music.