Old School Style Sunday Top Ten: Let me Entertain You

If you're reading this, then you already know: the latest episode of "Flirt! With Haviland Stillwell" is [supposed to] LAUNCH into the WEBOSPHERE at some point on TUESDAY on Broadway World dot com and you should go watch it, 'cause I edited it myself! That's right, all by myself, like Zarathustra. I didn't go outdoors or speak to other humans for like three days. I've also developed a medley in my head which includes 2- second clips of various showy tunes, here's how it goes: "Memorieeeeees look at me look at me oh no now go walk out that door and all that jazz all she cares about is love all he cares about is LOVE! he ran into my knife ten times! take me outttt tonight! yeah! but it ain't last call for you and me! awhoaha whooooaahh and iiiii want my baby back enough is enough is enough"

It's a good thing I actually like musical theater somewhat, otherwise I would've drilled my eyes out with animal-themed vibrators while editing this thing. I just think that'd be a funny way to go blind, like Oedipus but sparkly and with a g-spot.

Anyhow last week I did real meaningful writing type things and now I will compensate by switching over to another primary topic: frivolity.

In honor of FLIRT! and Andrea McArdle in drag; today I'll indulge my lifelong romance with the theater with a Top Ten of Theatrical Experiences.

I'm not doing this to suck the asses of the minions who may travel here hunting for haviland photos, I mean, Hav doesn't even like musical theater as much as I do and I'm not gay so why would I suck on someone's ass, that'd be boring. This Top Ten is part of a thematic series of Simple Top Tens, brought to you by Totally Simple Magazine. Previous issues have included Top Ten Sport, Top Ten Dream Jobs, "Top Ten Worst Holidays, Top Twenty Love Songs, Top Ten People from "Full House" that I'd Sleep With, Top Ten Musical Memories.

Secretly I was once into theater more than I've ever been into anything ever. If it wasn't for the intense pressure and limited financial security of my super grown-up life, I still would be. I'd see anything: musicals at public high schools, operettas in rural Southeastern Michigan, any ol' tour that rambled through Detroit -- hell -- I'd watch dinner theater with rapture. When we traveled, we saw theater, and sometimes its landmarks, or traveled specifically to see theater in Stratford (Canada), Oregon, and Spring Green (Wisconsin). I went to a boarding school that teemed with incredible theater, did the theater "beat" for my college paper (U of M did some good stuff -- even smaller shows like Closer and 4.49 Psychosis), omg!

So I've always had a lot of actor friends or boyfriends or girlfriends. I like to be the person who works on the words, then I match up with someone who can handle the external things, like images and movement.

I wanted to write "My So Called life: The Musical" but Haviland told me that wasn't a good investment plan.

I wanna see Six Degrees of Separation (John Guare) and I'm confused why I've never been able to find anyone doing it anywhere ever in my whole life.

TOP TEN MOMENTS OF THEATRICAL GLORY AND SUCCESS AS MEASURED ON A VARIANT SCALE OF DIVERSE JUDGMENT TECHNIQUES

10. Spring Awakening (Broadway): If you've ever emailed me the day of -- then you know. I never say yes to anything the day of. When I get up, I've got a good idea about how the day's gonna go from there and I change plans for two things: people I want to bang, and theater. So when I said "yes!" to Lainy's query: "I found two front row seats for $50, wanna go tonight?," her reply was was "really?!!" 'cause I'd just made a day-of plan, the first of our friendship.

If the dictionary played music, it'd play the SA soundtrack under "yearning." See: prefect, sexy, full, jumping. Also, it's hot to see the Original Broadway Cast of something that you know'll be around for a while.
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9. Poona the Fuck Dog and Other Stories for Children (Off-Off Broadway): This is the show we saw the night that me and Ingrid and Meg put the white tabs on our tongues and then ate our cookies and then each other's hearts and then went all the way uptown. I don't remember what it was about but it must've been glorious. That title! And it inspired us to do hallucinogenics.
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8. The Laramie Project (Off- Broadway): A masterpiece for real.
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7. The View From Tall (reading, the East Village somewhere): Just a reading of a new play but it was the first time I saw Haviland act. She played a 15-year-old. And I remember thinking; "good, she's really fucking good." 'Cause I can't be besties with an artist who's bad at their art, it gets awkward. So once I knew that every compliment I'd ever give her would be true, we were good to go.
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6. Grease (Broadway Tour) starring Rosie O'Donnell, Detroit: I still have my ticket. I was a wee lass and kept thinking "I am in the same room as my favorite famous person!" and wondering if my life would change after sharing walls and relatively -- oxygen -- with her. It didn't. And by the time I actually spoke to her person-to-person, I was older and saw famous people as real people, not as "famous people." I thought the show was fun, but wondered what happened to "You're the One That I Want."

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5. Collected Stories (Donald Marguiles) starring Uta Hagen, Off-Broadway: One of my first trips to the city, Ryan saw the tkts listing and said OMG, it's Uta Hagen, whatever she's doing we're seeing it. And it was this wonderful thing; this story about writers. And the acting was so perfect.

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4. No Exit, Pioneer High School (Ann Arbor, MI): I was stage managing this play when my Dad passed away. I dropped out as part of my "change everything about my life to make it unrecognizable" plan but my desire to see it overpowered my desire to avoid my former friends. The set was tacky, the acting mediocre, but it was good enough. It's just such an incredible script. Someone surprised me -- the boy with a third nipple, I think -- he played mean so good. We had t-shirts for Midsummer's Night Dream (which I'd been in) that said "Dream" on the front. For No Exit, our t-shirts read; "Hell is Other People."
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3. RENT, Broadway: I saw it in Detroit on tour and was underwhelmed. But I'd love the soundtrack so much and so -- in another unprecedented move inspired by theater -- I made a day-of plan to see it in NYC on Broadway. After an afternoon team meeting at Olive Garden, Ricky pulled me aside and said "we're going to go wait in line to get those last-minute $10 standing-room-only tickets for Rent wanna come Elizabeth has never seen it," and I said, "Okay," and I did and it was beautiful, even though I was sick then and my limbs throbbed when I stood still for long stretches of time. I still stood; captivated and painless, you know? I guess as lame as this sounds, Rent encapsulates a lot of how I feel. Like, about my life.

(sidenote; did you know you can watch the press reels of the original cast on youtube?)

(Got tickets for In the Heights, Passing Strange, August: Osage County, Avenue Q, Chicago, Wicked, Rent, Spring Awakening, Xanadu, or [title of show] any time? I'll make it happen.)

2. Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolff? Broadway (revival w/Kathleen Turner): It was a Wednesday matinee or something. Me and the senior citizens, which's just how I like it, we had a soft food buffet afterwards. I suspect Kathleen Turner was a stunning villain in her prior life, which took place in graphic novels. Now she's just like a superhuman.

1. Familyland by guess who, ok. It's me you guys! memememee! (Interlochen Arts Academy Senior One-Acts): There's nothing that gratifies the soul of a monkey who tries very hard to be funny sometimes (jk, totally effortless, second nature, my fukù is funny fukù) more than an entire room of peoples captivated by a group of peoples reading your words out loud.

Honorable Mentions:
a) The Shane Reading: Lainy and I skipped work to go see this one 'cause Haviland was reading stage directions for Susan Miller's play about writing a lesbian teevee show (Susan wrote for the first season of TLW) and she'd snagged actors like Sarah Paulson and SHANE to do it. It changed my life forever I am now not a monkey but Godot.
b) Our Town (my Middle School, Ann Arbor, Michigan): I played Stage Manager. During the monologue about love, I looked @my boyfriend with deep love of all shapes and sizes. My costume; blazer & a t-shirt. Bad sign. I've said it before; Our Town's one of my favorite plays, though it's popularly disliked by people not smart like me and Thornton.
c) All plays I ever saw that involved children dressed up as objects like trees, sailboats or fruits/vegetables.
d) late add : Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Caitlin likes it a lot. I was in it. In the interest of adolescent fairness, we had a different Joseph in each act. It was better when I saw it in Detroit with Donny Osmond, who I was already curious about in general 'cause I was very into the 70's then (it was my Brady Bunch phase), he had a little spat with Rosie O'Donnell culminating in a musical event on her show and he has a sister named Marie. My name is also Marie, and I wrote this blog. Toodles! Also it's on the short list of "scores I have memorized from start to finish."

Ok you guys I have to get at least four hours of sleep and watch three more hours of Rent videos. There's all this 10 year anniversary original cast recording stuff too. All our lives I've longed to discover something as true as this is ...