Sunday Top Ten: Everywhere You Look

This week was really heavy and emo 'cause of all the secrets, so this week's Sunday Top Ten will focus on lighter things. Like Bob Saget. See, the stagehands' strike has made a huge impact on my smokin' hot life, 'cause now Haviland's got all her nights off to play! We've been going to lots of fun things, e.g., power-lesbian dance parties, "potlucks"/antioxidant company pitches, hot underground dive bars that play "Gin 'n Juice" and "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" for us and improv comedy shows featuring a cast AND an audience of actors who've been sitting on facebook all day, adding applications and waiting for something to do.

So Thursday night, Haviland, Cait and I went to this improv show called "Don't Quit Your Night Job," there were lots of famous people in it like the girl from "The Sopranos," which I've never seen because I don't like guns or New Jersey. It started way past my bedtime, like 11:30. Alicia Witt was slated to appear but apparently SVU filming ran late, which's fine, I can just look at her photos online whenevs I want to, it's a free country. I think my brain is frozen or something, I can't seem to put words into sentences, I've got like forty ads to write tomorrow and I haven't started, I'm doing this though, why? I don't know, this seems to be a common problem. I'm sure I'll write an ad tomorrow for work (that's what I do, write job ads) looking for someone who can prioritise tasks efficiently, and I'll think to myself, "It's a good thing I don't have that job." I think writing this Top Ten takes less brain power than doing my actual work, I don't need a college degree to tell you that, but I have one anyway, because I love to learn.

Sooo ... unlike Busy-Busy-Alicia-Witt, Bob Saget was in it, and as he joked around and made us LOL, Hav leaned over, put her hand on my thigh tenderly, and whispered sweetly: "Is it weird that I kinda wanna sleep with Danny Tanner right now? He's just so cute! He's such a nerd!" and I was like "No, it's not at all, I'd totally go for it with Bob Saget." Which got us onto the topic of what other cast members of the television program Full House we'd like to sleep with, thus bringing us to this week's Sunday Top Ten.

SUNDAY TOP TEN: WHO, OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN ON THE TEEVEE SHOW FULL HOUSE, WOULD I LIKE TO SHARE AN INTIMATE MOMENT WITH IN ORDER OF PREFERENCE (I think that's a grammatical nightmare, all that up there)

First off, I know some of you live in foreign countries and though you're probs aware of Mary Kate & Ashley, you may not be familiar with their launching pad, the teevee show Full House, which aired from 1985-1997 and is currently in syndication for all of time constantly. Therefore, I'm gonna provide this brief intro for you, which I've copied and pasted from Wikipedia: "Full House is set in San Francisco, California, where Danny Tanner is left to raise his three young daughters D.J., Stephanie and Michelle following the death of his wife, Pam." Pam. I didn't know her name was Pam. Here I am, learning learning learning. Also, this weirdo put like, every episode of this show on her youtube channel, if you're interested in watching. It's bad, p.s. The show? It's a really, really, really bad show. There are no lesbians in it whatsoever.

Also, to be honest, I didn't watch this show that often intentionally, but I feel like it was always on and my friends always watched it. Everywhere you look, everywhere you look, someone was watching this show. I wasn't allowed to watch it at home, obvs, because I'm Amish.

10-8: By default, I'm forced to include some people I'd probably not want to buy chicken nuggets for, let alone sit around and stroke the hair of. But that's the rules [that I made for myself, wtf?]! Gotta pick TEN. So, OK; Kimmy (You'd have to be really drunk to bone Kimmy, and -- believe it or not, I've never actually kissed someone drunk I wouldn't want to kiss sober -- never had "beer goggles" or whateves. For Kimmy, you'd also need beer earplugs, are beer goggles just for boys? Oh I don't drink beer, got it.), D.J's boyfriend Steve, and Michelle's black girl friend. The black girl's grown-up now, so it's not gross or anything, don't worry, she's actually legitimately hot, but I'm putting her up here in the netherlands of hotness just 'cause 1. She was a baby then, therefore it still feels gross, 2. I actually don't even remember her being on the show, I'm just getting her link from the Wikipedia article.

*
7. UNCLE JESSE/JOHN STAMOS

Really, you should've seen the look on Hav's face when I told her I wouldn't've been opposed, at one point, to watching a DVD and popping some popcorn with Uncle Jesse. I know his career's taken a bit of a nosedive since then -- but he wore a white t-shirt, a black leather jacket, played in a band, and got to curl up next to Aunt Becky every night. I like how he did his hair, he was totally my type. I was like, hey take me for a ride on your motorcycle, lets go! Write me a rock and roll song!

*
6. MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSON/MICHELLE

I like more my IDEA of what they'd look like as adults, rather than how they actually did turn out to look, which is "about to die from starvation." I read all about their gazillion-dollar empire in New York Times Magazine probably 8-10 years ago, and was like "Whoa!" and then, lickity split, they were grown-up and famous with a million videos I'll never see. I like their style though, the hobo thing? Layering? I'm a fan of layering. Keeps you warm in the winter, it's hard out here on the streets. Regulators, mount up.

Not gonna lie: I loved Michelle and thought her character was non-stop hilarious. Watching these clips on youtube, I'm inclined to agree with myself. The twins that Aunt Becky birthed were funny too, we have similar haircuts.

*
5. STEPHANIE/JODI SWEETIN

Okay, tell me she's not a little hot right now? She wasn't the cutest or least annoying, but certainly given the choice between Stephanie and, say, Dave Coulier, I'd pick Stephanie. Jodi Sweetin. Plus you could make jokes, like "I'd like a little Sweet ... in." What am I talking about?

*
4. DANNY TANNER/BOB SAGET

I think many know this now, esp. if you've seen the Full House E! True Hollywood Story (I can't remember when the fuck I had time to watch all this teevee. I honestly don't think I've watched anything for about a month now, whenever it was that they introduced Vanessa to Gossip Girl and her character was so ridiculously unlike her character in the book that I had to turn it off, I was so pissed) or the ET Full House "expose," you know that Bob Saget's comedy is totally "adult" and this show was a bit out-of-left-field for Saget. As was the Funniest Home Videos gig. He's a genuinely talented, sexy, nerdy, adorable, hilarious, charismatic, awkward-sorta guy. You just wanna lie around with him, eat potato chips and listen to him say funny jokes. Possibly forever.

*
3. AUNT BECKY/LORI LOUGHLIN

She's just foxy, try to fight me on this one, I'll poke your eyes out 'cause you don't know how to use 'em anyhow. if you did, you wouldn't be fighting me, you'd be like "yes, clearly, Aunt Becky, love her.'

*
2. GIA/MARLA SOKOLOFF

Confession: you know when you look back on your life and think "that's when I shoulda known I might be gay," that's how I feel about my lifelong imaginary affair with Malra Sokoloff. I've wanted to bone her since before I knew how babies were made. She played the badass best friend on every show ever, like "Boy Meets World" and "Party of Five" and "Seventh Heaven." Her characters always came from troubled families with "problems" at home, e.g., "Oh, this bruise is nothing, I just fell down the stairs!" or "Mom's just sleeping, she's just so tired from working so much." The parents of the protagonist would be like "Don't hang out with her, she's bad news." I think Gia got Stephanie into drugs and then ran her car off a cliff or into a tree or something, which made me super depressed, I didn't want her to leave the show/my life, wtf? Whatever, she was totally badass. She could be my best friend/best whatevs.

****
1. D.J

Me: "OMG you know who number one's gonna be right?"
Haviland: "Um, obviously."
Cait: "Who?"
Me & Hav [simultaneously]: "D.J."

I really need Haviland to write this one, only she can truly do justice to this. However, Haviland isn't here, though her bag is, and I want you to know I haven't gone through it. OK, let me go see if there's anything funny in it, BRB. No, just shoes and a computer and sunglasses, what a rockstar.

D.J's almost kinda chubby for a few years, but in a totally cute way, like you'd like to grab her ass, possibly all night long, forever. You could just eat her bangs right up. Wow. I actually wrote this entire Top Ten just now in record time. Can you tell? I've got a feeling you can. Also, Mr. Redacted, FYI, these aren't real people. Or are they?

UPDATE. Haviland's written her piece about D.J., which is clearly the cherry on top of this Top Ten. She just asked me "Did you really go through my bag?" 'cause she was worried I would've found all the heroin and antioxidants she's got stashed in her secret pocket, obviously I didn't, if I had, we would've had to have a Very Special Episode of the Vlog.

Haviland:

"I always had an affinity for DJ, because I felt like we would've been friends. She was so cute, so patient with Kimmy's ridiculosity, so stern with her annoying little sisters. I blew out my very curly/frizzy hair to look as much like DJ's as possible, complete with that flip at the front of her hair, side part, etc ... It mostly just looked really frizzy, but I did it, like we all did, nonetheless.

I also dressed a lot like DJ, especially around '91-'92. This also, coincidentally, followed the fashion stylings of Brenda Walsh, and also, Kelly Kapowski - but I looked more like Valerie than like Kelly.
You know what I mean, and you know the look - oversized t-shirts, neon spandex shorts, slouch socks (2-3 pairs if you were really hip) and white Keds with copious amounts of puff paint.

For those of you who didn't know me when I was a 'tween, I was, well, "a little chubby." Yep, I was a chub. Riese and I often talk about those troubling times, and how, though she was in Michigan and I was in Georgia, we would have wanted to have the other's problems ... I would have looked at her natural emaciation and longed, prayed, pined for it.

Also, I wore glasses, braces, and that damn frizzy hair. (I did have really good skin, though. Thank God for that.) Also, my mom was really cool, drove a convertible, and let me skip school to be in movies all the time, so there was that."

[SIDENOTE: This is Riese again. I didn't have glasses, but I did have braces and frizzy hair. I wanted to gain about 40 pounds so that my leggings wouldn't be baggy, because it was hard to rock denim shorts over leggings when the leggings weren't actually skin-tight, and once I tried to leave the house in tights and a t-shirt and my Mom was like "no way." Also we were only allowed to wear hand-me-downs from my cousins in Ohio, gender-neutral seperates from K-Mart, or used clothes from the used clothing store 'Old Woman in the Shoe', so we were a bit behind the times.]

Haviland: "Anyway, back to DJ. She was so cute, and the fact that she was kind of chubby and also a star of a very successful sitcom, playing the "kinda hot older sister" who had the hot boyfriend ... it gave me a lot of hope.

And look where I am today, beautiful babies! (LOL? Really? What am I talking about?) I don't know.

At this moment, I would love to be on a show like that, playing, obvs, the Aunt Becky role."

You guys, this was the best Sunday Top Ten Ever. Thanks Hav! Thanks DJ! Thanks Bob Saget! Hav just goes "I love grapes so much." Write that down. Oh, I just did.