Thursday, July 31, 2008

And I Wash the Windows Outside in Hopes that the Glare Will Bring You Around

Hello, strangers! It's remarkable how hard it is to be a full-time blogger and carry on three part-time jobs. The third job's a recent invention, it's called "editing FLIRT!" The first is copywriting, the second is babysitting (really it's more like "office-sitting," would you trust me with your children?), and when I can't do 1 & 3 while at 2, then I get very upset.

I'll spare you the intro about all the things I said I'd write that I haven't written yet, or the joke where I say I'm not blogging anymore 'cause gawker told me and all bloggers to stop writing for free, lest we worsen the financial crisis we're already in. Howevs, in the last graf of this gawker piece, I saw that personal blogs don't count, see: I am not the HuffPo, so I must keep writing for free.

Remember when I promised I'd reply to all those comments one-by one? Also, remember when I actually paid to download "Under the Sea" (for FLIRT) only to have Final Cut refuse to upload it? I paid one entire dollar of actual currency today to own "Under the Sea" from "The Little Mermaid: Original Broadway Cast Recording." A dollar. I could've spent that dollar on 1/6th of a pinkberry or a nice gift for my mother.

To avoid an unwieldy column of drawn-out responses, I've chosen to respond to your comments one-by one on the blog ITSELF omg, and I've done so in rhyme. With a maximum output of two lines (rhymed) per person, regardless of comment length. Also, afterwards, we'll have Nilla wafers and chocolate milk, and we can watch Sharmen videos together 'til we fall asleep. I wish I could respond to emails in this form too but maybe that'd be inappropriate. And I am a very mature monkey.
[brian milo]

You can assume that "thank you for saying all of these things" is a standard auto-text applying to every response. But as you know, I'll ramble on forever if I say individually point-by-point what insight you provided to me, so y'know -- thank you. Seriously. Thank you for answering my questions.

I think I'm about to eat pizza in bed, I've become a different person. Leisha Hailey was so purely beautiful when she was in The Murmurs. Now she's still beautiful, but it's like a refined grown-up beautiful, not a "I never thought I'd be, or know I am" beautiful. You know what I mean?

Also my back and neck are fucking killing me, so I'm going to crack open the Tylenol with Coedine purchased during our cruise to Canada and the New Englands. That's right America, try and stop me! And if you do, that's not me you've stopped, it's whomever stole my passport in the airport (shuttle) in NYC when we'd just come back from Austin. That girl's a hipster and a liar, which is the worst kind of person! Even worse than an almost-hipster. So perhaps I should call this poem "ode to codeine," 'cause I'm hoping that's what it'll become.

Oh also I had another revelation while reading these comments; I think part of the problem is that people expect the in-person version to somehow be 'real' or less mediated than the written person -- that in-person is the whole picture, completing the written picture. But really; in-person is just another piece of the puzzle, another element or presentation of sorts, not the all-encompassing presentation. I think I just said the same thing but five different times with different synonyms, I wonder where I picked that up.

[leesa leva]

eric mathew:
I've always thought fondly of the land of milk and honey
As for internet dating, a few drinks always makes me think I'm quite funny

the heat, the stick, the sweat
you're still one of the best people i've ever met

thank g-d we love each other in 2 and 3-D
because what would CGU do without me?

oh! hello, my fellow socially retarded monkey reclusive freak!
agreed; lowering word count would greatly enhance my technique.

i've always been told i come off bad at first, but better when you get to know me
my inner con artist's been given quite a trip as it tries to grasp online intimacy

At first it felt good (weird good), to have it all out there up front,
before the street and the vodka, and lately more like a poorly executed stunt

i think we expect our friends to tell tall tales about their friends
but perhaps expect my blog to provide a more transparent lens?

omg autowin's next top friend! the panel of judges would be thrilling enough
the tag line: "I AM here to make friends!" this is good stuff ...

it's kinda awesomely accurate, that comparison to a cartoon
me and tinkerbell being imaginary, in our little cocoon [or balloon!]

sometimes i have no idea what i'm talking about too
it's the line of seperation i need to learn; tricky ... but true.

i think sometimes the artists's parts can speak for the whole
but yes -- the real life itself can be equally honest -- but rarely will it speak from the soul

i think love is supposed to come when you're not looking for that,
friend-love too, the kind that's got your back and princess hats

your home-life sounds quite brill, like something I'd enjoy
fruit infused vodka, a girl, a game, a home ... and i promise my opening wasn't a ploy.

we're talking 3-4 hours tops, by car, between k-zoo and "up north"
not that distance should stop anyone from venturing forth

i'd like to add that i met you on ourchart, your headline drew me in
JK! recaps! what a long strange love trip it's been ...

hav would've had fun! ... well hav doesn't drink so i would've gotten two, which is cool
we were super cranky in ptown so you probs would've thought i was a tool

i don't want to be a whole person i like it like this in parts
here is my elbow, my earlobe, and then a piece of my heart

don't worry about facebook, to be honest i rarely look at anyone's pages but my "real life" friends and besides i'd never delete
thank you for coming back, and as yourself, here where it's safe, we can cyber-meet

haviland stillwell:
you and rachel alone i think have watched that whole shift
let's watch from the balcony, it will be an amazing circe/gift

brooklyn boy:
as you know i'm a fan of this comment and your net-life integration
remember when alex ran up to you a the b-ball game like a monkey in jubilation?

if there's one thing that'll always make sense to me
it's when people say "what you said, that's also how i see"

it's funny how rare that experience has been lately -- me myself before blog when meeting someone new
but i think you rode our vibe from the start, and now; cheers on the follow-through.

i've had that happen too -- someone i'd never liked before cyber-life was an option, when it hadn't been invented
and now it has been, and now we meet again, but here, and somehow are far better represented


I think we met in a good situation, too, and maybe some of that's owed to an apparently mutual feeling
that regardless of scale, there was a conscious awareness of the proximity (or lack thereof) between what we've said and how we act, and how that's seeming.

thanks for commenting this time though even if it's your one & only
i think it's that for weirdos like us there's a big difference between being alone & being lonely

davey jimmy lozo:
FYI, b-ball game thursday night. I have dykes, you've got the sport
Yet somehow we maintain witty jokes back and forth, like Night Court

I agree, and also that meeting me briefly isn't the same as knowing me as a person too
and the friends I have it feels like you said 'cause something about our persons gravitated even in cyber-room

I feel this comment is legendary for its introduction of a particular term
It's good to come back from the future and reaffirm

everything i've been saying to everyone else on here?
yeah. hands-down totes, i heart blogosphere!

I like Juliette Lewis 'cause she seems intidimating and off-putting and so aggressively beautiful, and tough
That collision you mention, you're right, neither areas alone or together are enough

you can be bold, witty and deep but not outgoing, i think
and you get it already, so you'll be good, and i'll continue to drink

"that woman":
jack and jill went up the hill, e-i-e-i-o, and dug a grave and climbed in it,
and mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, if the glove fits, acquit!

I wish I knew how people find vlogs, it'd give me some insight,
you know -- insight, which you've already got -- rock, island, kite.

the brooklyn boy:
since this is addressed to asher and not me i'm not obligated to respond
but i already am, though i did in person, and i love walden pond

firstly, nice use of twitter-@, secondly, you didn't miss a thing
like that aerosmith song with liv tyler lying in grasses of spring

reading these comments feels like reading a philosophical text
like you just took it to a whole new level, and now we get more complex

what? huh? hmmm? mmm? er-wha? uh huh? her!
there'll be pictionary at my pity party, for sure

as you know i didn't get the email, but your parens warmed my heart
cc debt's a bitch, adam's right, i think i'll "what then" myself 'til i break the whole world apart

"that woman":
violet hours waiting waiting for what
hooley-hay-hidy-ho-ho-slam auto-shut

"that woman":
you keep making more words to illustrate the person you deny being
also! speaking of human decency and public writing one might prefer not seeing ...

what he said, what he said, about the irony and your solution
if i had a government, i'd hire you to write my constitution

FYI, you win for my favorite comment of the year
I LOL'ed, first statement, made me giggle and not fear

OMG I can't wait for the vlog I hope you do something sexy with a banana
or travel-cross country and call it "dee jay marty does montana"

First of all, holler my brave girl for calling out an anonymous while using your real name
you come through in times like these, monkey, and indeed, it was a legit question, sparking many thoughts, not disdain

you heard?

i swear if you keep reading, most of them time i talk about ponies and rainbows
and happy angelic people who're so good they sometimes glow -- no -- Glow

that woman:
you spelled verbatim wrong.
lozo gets global input on his shlong.

That I would've taken for the team, if it was our failure at basketball that turned the brooklyn boy away
also, I love pinkberry, loathe Harlem, will consider your offer because i think your sister is a gay, and I love a bay-bay.

The thing about minnie mouse is that she can't speak, she's quiet as a mouse
tegan & sara = love, it's like they live in my head and my head is a house

el n:
Never explain, never apologize, someone once told me and I try
walking in one world, crawling in another, but with eyes on the sky

o, my eyes dried up long ago, a few days ago, and now i see double
full bleeding stop, jesus H, i am no writer either, just trouble.

and this is why you
win too

i couldn't have said it better myself
this is why i love the internet, soul-shelf

That Andy, I like him. And that Ryals quote, too. I'm a monkey, too, with different tricks
veils, needs, dissapointing, some cute kind of monkey, who refuses to be fixed

omg i'm actually doing it
it's like throwing a long rhyming fit

I think you're rad too, anonymous
I have feelings, we have feelings, no fuss, no fuss.

But we liked you when we met you, I think I did what I worry I always do
which's be too comfortable with the people i already know to come off friendly to someone new
oh, and so, we do what we do
thanks for saying so; thanks for being true
this lola de leon of which you mention, this firecracker
ooof, i like that name, the explosion, the lacquer

When Carlytron steps in at comment #60 to remind you she's got my back
then you know you're defo wrong, i'm defo right, and it's time for a pb-cracker snack.

word up to mentioning rovermom
still if i saw her in the street, 99% chance i'd say "IT'S ON!"

d.j jazzy lozo:
dude, i know what you mean
let's get some beer and play with machines

that woman:
I'm starting to feel like responding to your comments is making me say
silly snarky asshole things i shouldn't say, so i'll stop now,hey hey hey.

Thank you for bringing the conversation back to what i want to talk about
which is mature things like bunnies and lesbains eating each other out

that woman:
is this really you?
doo doo doo.

that woman:
you're a star, don't let anyone tell you otherwise baby
oh hey hey i don't mean booey baba maybe

that's right, seize the day! carpe diem!
i sing the song of myself, so be 'em!'

Sometimes we compare ourselves to Andy and Eadie 'cause he was so shy and self-conscious and but wise & watching too, and she was so social, so out there and pretty and alluring
I think I've never thought so much about one dinner in my life, to me, it was just two strange people meeting, you know? gaps and viels and all that comes before, and after, and during ...

that woman:
actually i don't really think howard stern rules
he can be very misogynistic, sometimes, like a tool

I love that movie, when I saw it I said "everyone must see this."
The NJ Turnpike turns me around and around, the journey is all, a sweet good abyss

Hey! I met you! You still like me! I win! You win! Let's have a kitty party!
I had a job once where I had to meet too many people, out of my shell
but maybe that felt safer, 'cause they were buying, and i was something to sell

flobby bunny 88;
I hope that no one else comments on this post, like I can't, that's why I'm doing it up here instead,
so that your comment can be last, like the perfect epilogue, last chord ... you know ... "what she said."

Also, I think I'd like to meet Sam-Ro and The Lohan
but might faint or scar to touch Mary Gaitskill's hand
or have dinner with Lorrie Moore. I'm not famous or "published" like they are
but they're people who write, I'm a person who reads it, I am earth, they are stars
spark boom blink blink blink blink.

goodnight moon, goodnight tinkerbell.

goodnight "23" by jimmy eats world, goodnight to scarlett and her lovely tom waits covers, goodnight to tristan prettyman's cover of britney's "toxic" and ok i admit it also coldplay viva la vivd and goodnight to the murmurs and to clocks ticking and finch's "ender," and bijork's "99 red balloons" and goodnight to uh huh ... we will become silhouettes. Amanda Palmer, a curtsy for you, my knees grazing the floor, a dramatic expression of gratitude.

I usually go to bed with my makeup on, 'cause I'm lazy and would rather just complain later if I break out. But I washed it off tonight. And there is the mirror, and in it, my bare eyes.

"Wherever you are in me I'm there,
though it's not what you wanted."
(Phillip White, "Infidelity.")
"I'm such a drag wish that I could disappear
I just smoked myself right into this chair ..
I ruin everything it's never enough, got a tired after ego that's always giving up
I used to be the girl that everybody loved
And now I'm just too much ...
I wish that I was dead, temporarily ...
I'm so gone, I need my prescription to relax
Now I'm wasted like the rest."
-The Murmurs, "I'm a Mess"

"Between the book to be written and things that already exist there can only be a kind of complementary relationship: the book should be the written counterpart of the unwritten world; its subject should be what does not exist except when written, but whose absence is obscurely felt by that which exists, in its own incompleteness."
(Italo Calvino, If on a Winter's Night a Traveler)
“We grew still and stared at each other. It seemed incredibly dangerous to look into each other’s eyes, but we were doing it. For how long can you behold another person? Before you have to think of yourself again, like dipping the brush back in for more ink. For a very long time; you didn’t need to get more ink, there was no reason to get anything else, because she was as good as me, she lived on earth like me, she suffered as I did. It was she who looked away and pulled the sheet to her chin.”
(Miranda July, Nobody Belongs Here More than You)


Crystal said...

Part of what I love about living in Australia is that I'm always awake when you post fresh blogs that are written in the late hours of the evening. I feel that this's when you do your best work.

I'd love for you to reply to my emails in rhyme form, ps.

Vashti said...

i'd like to chip in that i am also a fan of being awake to read the late night/early morning blogs.

howevs, i do not live in australia. i just can't fall asleep.

Anonymous said...

I think it's Thursday the 31st of July not Friday the 1st of August.

rod said...

Ok, this isn't a poem, this is a RAP! Next vlog, sorted. With semi colon on the beatbox...

Mercury said...

I freak myself out makeup-less. Like how I look right now? Waiting for my ride outside the airport in the frozen hell.

Not that it's frozen now. Just cool & refreshing.

Dykxgy - ok it's definitely "dyke" something. Dyke orgy? Energy? Hmmm.

Razia said...

I logged back into the net world last night after doing all my catch up reading and although I wanted to say so much I really didn't have much to say - especially with all that had gone on - but it's so awesome to read this after it all. Your sense of humour is so on point.

caitlin said...

the only thing that would have made this better is if it was in note form and in your serial killer late night hand writing. also, i totally agree about tegan and sara, i feel like they live in my brain space, so much so that i don't need to listen to them, cause they're just constantly playing in my head, which is strange i think. this was also amazing cause it was posted in the future and you know how i feel about time travel. if only we could get a teleporter, i feel like life would be complete. also an edible arrangement commercial was just on tv. you're rubbing off on me, i am talking crazy.

caitlin said...

lastly, thank you for replying to all the comments, cause i told kalamazoo that you would and i don't know how much she believed me. so thank you; for the follow through.

Dave Lozo said...

i get global input on my schlong? i do?

and i would've rhymed a different word with front.

a;ex said...

Holy shit I'm SO glad you completely ignored my demand and stayed up til 4am writing this!

JD said...

Yeah, thanks for this. You def delivered on your deliverables...and then some.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

I do remember. It made me smile. Still does. :)

However, considering my level of intoxication at the time, I might have been most glad I did not drop her. That would have been the suck.

green said...

my god i love you.

i love you like the land loves the trees and the birds and recycling and bob dylan. i love you like hippies love almond butter and batiks.

i love you so so very much.

thank you.

GILLY said...

I love that spell check and a shlong reference were in the same limerick.

I constantly wonder what "hipster" really means?! Is it skinny jeans and trucker hats? My excuse is that I'm 32 and stopped being cool in 2002. For Christ sake, it took me a year to figure out what "emo" meant.

Codine is nice. Too much of it might require a nice glass of prune juice. fyi.

Bokolis said...

Tracking down that Andy and Eadie reference took a while, but I was glad to do it.

How loopy/inspired you must have been to drop couplets!

What little pop culture hasn't eluded me reminds me of one...
It started out with a kiss,
How did it end up like this?

It WAS supposed to just be two strange people meeting, wasn't it? Dust ya' shoulder off.

David said...

The Olympics this year are in China
Marie and I both love vagina

dani said...

i think you and lozo (<-- best rhyme ever) should do a rap-song or something...great rhymes, great style, great pussys are guaranteed.

autumn m said...

you either have a wicked case of insomnia, or you just have alot of late night free time. and that was talent, being able to rhyme all your comments. pure talent.

A. said...

Thank you for all that.

Anonymous said...

waaaaaaaaaaa! this was amazing. mooooo! thank youuuuuu.


Anonymous said...


e. said...

Heh. I wondered how you were possibly going to answer each comment individually. I must say, well done!

Enjoy your Tylenol-3. (They like to give that stuff out up here in Canadia, but I don't much care for it, it makes me nauseous.) I think Buffy Sainte-Marie wrote an ode to codeine, or rather, a song.

riese said...

Crystal: From now on we can communicate only in rhyme, hyperbole and using as much alliteration as possible. Also, I love Australian time, and it's perfect for the global input I nequire.

Vashti: Clearly I cater my work towards insomniacs, as they are my people (along with loners, obvs)

anonymous: Good point.

rod: Good idea, because Semicolon is the best beatboxer I've ever had the pleasure to listen to in m room for sure.

Mercury: I guess it could be boiling hot hell. Dyke energy for sure. They make it an "x" instead of an "e" for a reason that I suspect has something to do with damning the man.

razia: Hello stranger! Thanks for LOL'ing in Australia, and catching up.

caitlin: Hi Team Summer Flu. Just wait 'til Alex finally finishes designing my website and my serial killer handwriting is all over the terrific template. Let's time travel to the part of this week where you're not sick anymore and we can go to pinkberry and look for windows with trees outside.

Dave Lozo; Well, if you wanted to I could post an anonymous quote from someone like, "How big is my shlong?" and if you knew it was YOU that asked it, even if no one else knew, you could still freak out about it and tell everyone you weren't ready for global input. Just say the word.

a;ex: Me too obviously I can sleep when I'm dead like Nas.

JD: Just call me Domino's Pizza. Or HR extraordinaire.

The Brookyln Boy: But then she would've had a good excuse for not playing anymore, since apparently basketball is not her favorite sport?

green: Roses are red, violets are blue,
green is a color not a person
but it's also what we call you
i love you so very much too,
like the people from the blue lagoon.

GILLY: I know I'm pretty sure I spelled "shlong" right too, but if I didn't, there's another exciting layer of inside joking going on right there.

Why the Hipster Must Die says something about what hipsters are. I mean part of it is a self-conscious fashion ashetic, apparent idealism of indie media but is criticized for being too homogeneous and also sort of hypocritical -- like trying really hard to look like they aren't trying hard, or a sort of front of cool. I dunno my brain isn't working.

Bokolis: Possibly it was also extra hard 'cause I think it's Edie, not Eadie, even though I said "Eadie." I thought it was two strange people with significant anxiety problems meeting, neither of whom expected the other to be 100% comfortable because that's just how people are. And I thought that was how it went too, but apparently I learned last week that it didn't, and that a question I thought was non-judgmental was actually super judgmental, as clearly that woman is not a fan of me anymore. Oh, the things you learn the morning after.

Last time the Olympics were in Sydney
I like girls with attractive kidneys

dani Me and DJ Lozo will do a rap when he gets hired at deadspin, fo'sho.

autumn m: Insomnia is late night free time -- I'm too tired to do anything I should be doing, but too awake to sleeeeeep. I think the rhyming made it easier, actually.

A. And you're welcome.

Nata: Hello Natalie. This is your friend Marie. MooooooO!!!!!!! xxx

Ashes To Life: Rhymes with duty.

e. I would've done it to music while dancing, but I have no musical talents, alas. Maybe this Buffy Saint-Marie you mention could do it for me? I like outsourcing.

basia said...

last night i had a dream that i was at a wax museum, which had figures of J-Beals & what's her face who plays Tina, with Tina horizontal in the air, held up by J-Beals with her arms out - pretending to fly. and in this dream, i was like, OMG that's where the flying lesbians reference comes from, it makes so much sense!!! i realize this is deeply pathological...

thanks for replying to my comment - i'm glad i got to read it before completely succumbing to insanity.

Vashti said...

as an insomniac/loner, i now know why i read your blog. forget the fact that i find your writing enjoyable. i have no choice. i am destined to read it because you have targeted my demographic.

[the fact that i also read it during the late AM/early PM is irrelevant.]

Dave Lozo said...

When the Olympics were in Lake Placid
I liked girls who did the acid

riese said...

In 1988, they held the Olympics in Seoul
and lots of hot girls vaulted with poles
I hear

Dave Lozo said...

When the Olympics were in Salt Lake City
I only saw one titty.

riese said...

the olympics began in athens, greece
the ladies could race, rub, grease up and release

Dave Lozo said...

Remember the Olympics in Barcelona?
Take off your pants so I can bone ya!

riese said...

fuck i was saving that one for when times got desperate; Barcelona,
i was gonna make a joke about what a girl can do to a Corona

Instead I'll recall the recent Olympic Games in Atlanta,
a stripper did a crazy trick with cool-whip and a banana

Dave Lozo said...

The next Olympic games are in Vancouver
I hope the girls suck like a Hoover