Friday, August 22, 2008

autoerotic asphyxifunction negative 9 days from september 1st

Tinkerbell says: "Hi. This is Tinkerbell. This is the best 'zine I've ever read."
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Firstly, I'd like to share something very important with y'all. Someone inquired about our employment of the word "excitant." This word will become very important to you in approximately 1-3 months. I can't tell you why. But! Grasshopper, let me tell you where it comes from. In order to do this, we must "time travel" (if you will) to January 11th. 'Twas a younger time of cold snow-showers, multiple birthday parties, extensive L Word recaps, and many feelings. You remember. You were there, unless you're Bernie Mac or something ... well, I guess he was there, he's just not HERE to remember it. Anyhow, it wasn't that long ago.

Okey dokey. ONWARD!

Jan. 11th, 2008
From: Isabella
To: Marielyn176

Hi, Marielyn
first of all compliment for the realization of this wonderful site.
I have discovered only 2 days ago and i have already read all about it.
The L world is amazing, well done, for me it rappresents freedom,love and friendship.
On the other side, the Lworld treats very important and realistic themes like homosexuality and adoption, but
otherwise it became at the same time funny, crazy and excitant.
I want to thank you for all news about the locations, the shooting, and news about Jennifer Beals I already found in.
I love her and the way she acts is fantastic and also all the cast of Lworld.
Thank you for your time...
I hope to receive some yours
Have a good 2008 and good luck for all....

From: Marielyn176
To: Caitlin, Alex, Carly
Fw: Congratulation!!!...

I love freedom, love and friendship too!!!!

From: Carly
To: Riese, Caitlin, Alex
Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...


You seriously get the bessst emailsss. This is so great. Just curious, though ... what news about the locations, the shooting, and the Jennifer Beals are you giving out on your wonderful site, and where can I discover it too?
I hope to receive some yours
xoxo
gossip girl

From: Caitlin
To: Carly, Riese, Alex
Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

excitant? is that a new word or like exciting and excellent morphed. clearly she has a lot of feelings.

From: Riese
To: Caitlin, Carly, Alex

Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...


carly - i think i keep this information in the same place where I store my records of kate moening's comings-and-goings.

cait- I like "rappresent." It's like a combination of rapping and representing, and I don't think I can do it because, although my ass implies otherwise, I'm a white girl. I should probs tell her that.

alex- hi

the way you all act is fantastic,

xoxo
gossip girl

From: Alex
To: Carly, Caitlin, Riese
Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

I can't believe you never told me where Jennifer Beals was. Isabella knows and I don't?!? Why don't you ask one of your other girlfriends!?
...and also the cast of the Lworld.

Marielyn... hi

From: Caitlin
To: Carly, Riese, Alex

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

i think actually the last line is the best. i hope to get some yours? really what does that even mean? clearly i am starting an l world blog immediately i need more emails like this in my life. maybe she's not even watching the same show as us, i mean she calls it the l world and says it's amazing, obvs she's confused on many levels.

From: Carly
To: Caitlin, Riese, Alex

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

obvs confused, fully. maybe she was watching flashdance?

From: Riese
To: Carly, Caitlin, Alex

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

Personally, I'm worried about the shooting. Is it going to be like the finale of Season Two of South of Nowhere? The black girl, obvs?

Also homosexuality is a lot of things, but it is definitely not realistic.

Maybe she's talking about "The Anniversary Party"? Did you see that? Where everyone does acid or E or something and runs around in the bushes by the pool? J-Beals and Alan Cummings are in it. I'd like to bring this back around to next week, where we'll all be high on something and dancing around the pool (sorta) (theoretically)

I financed the hell out of this realization of this site!!!?!?!?!?!?!

xoxo
marielyn

from: Carly
to: Caitln, Alex, Riese

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Congratulation!!!...

financed the hell = easily one of my favorite things ever.

i own the anniversary party and will bring it. i heart that film.
- c.


So there you have it. Isabella is our national hero.

Back to the 'zine. Alex Vega, Number One Critter, has crafted my late-night randomness into an actual work of art. Clearly the poems are jokes and no one "gets" them, but regardless it's a really sweet and well done personal object. We've enjoyed putting it together and we'd like to share that enjoyment with you. The 'zine is offered on a sliding scale in the Auto-Store. I know all about sliding scales from when I used to go to Planned Parenthood all the time before I turned 18. But that's another story for another day.

If you're a late borner unaware of the 'zine "thing," I truly do implore you to check out the world of 'zining. I feel the zineiverse, and its involvement with the Riot Grrl movement, is one of the most important, revolutionary and genuinely earnest kickass networks/initiatives ever to come out of this heartless bankrupt world where Cherie Jaffee won't run off and live in a rank love nest with an assistant hairdresser who's barely got her foot in the door. You know?
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tinkerbell loves auto-zine
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gonzo = also loves auto-zine
wonders when lozo is gonna come pick him up
because he is a gift for lozo from disneyworld
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these are GOLDEN. literally.
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Want a 'zine? They're so hot!
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Alex wants me to tell you it took her 1.5 hours to make four of these. It's like the bespoke suits I read about in Esquire.

Also Big Time Out: You guys. If you want a 'zine and can't afford it, just go the $5 route ("for anyone who's ever purchased auto-gear ever" -- I'm not fact-checking here), which almost covers shipping and paper. If you need to pay by snail mail, that's fine, get in touch. If you can't afford $5, just like - talk to me.

Clearly I'm not in the business of blogging, or bad teevee recapping, or really life in general, to make money. If you've been reading this for any length of time, you're aware that I'd rather be in massive debt, barely employed and san-savings account than ever for one moment be stingy, selfish or greedy. I think generosity is the most attractive quality a human being can have. I prefer the first amendment to a 401K and I'm fully aware that I'm first worldian and I could be living in a hut in any number of African countries inhabited by poor people forced to kill each other over t-shirts. Instead, I live in Harlem, where people shoot each other over sneakers and iPods.

Anyway, enough about me. Any writer can tell you that writing is not a capitalist sport. There's no money in this game. That's why I'm going to join the Belarus rhythmic gymnastic team. It's gonna be AWESOME.

Also, Alex is moaning at me right now about how much work went into the 'zines and that I'm selling our product short by offering it to anyone on a sliding scale. Also she's probably realizing that I will never have a savings account 'cause as soon as I get money I want to somehow give it away, and this is probably a depressing prospect.

Good point. If you can afford full cost, I promise you it's worth it. Really, I just want everyone to be happy. Really, that's all I want. I want peanut butter, the ability to pay my bills, and for everyone to be happy. Except Ann Coulter, I hope she gets hit by a bus. Also, it would be cool if everyone bought a 'zine so that I could have more money in the bank and therefore more time to do this for free. I have weird dreams all the time, my people tell me I am silly and hit me on the head. Then I'm like, "Ouch!"

quote: "I think the whole root of the matter lies in the fact that when a writer is young he feels somehow that what he is going to say is rather silly or obvious or commonplace, and then he tries to hide it under baroque ornament, under words taken from the seventeenth century writers; or, if not, and he sets out to be modern, then he does the contrary: he's inventing words all the time, or alluding to airplanes, railway trains, or the telegraph and telephone 'cause he's doing his best to be modern. Then as time goes on, one feels that one's ideas, good or bad, should be plainly expressed, because if you have an idea you must try to get that idea or feeling or that mood into the mind of the reader." (Jorge Luis Borges, Paris Review Interview)

links:
1. One of my favorite writers Rachel Shukert asks: Are Jews to Aquatics what African-Americans are to Basketball? (@jewcy)
2. n+1 ventures into new waters with an article acknowleding the existence of the working class: Take It to the Street (@n+1)
3. Um, so. AfterEllen, in their dogged pursuit of hiring brand -new people other than me, have a fashion blogger!: Styled Out: A Boy in Girls' Clothing (@afterellen)
4. Still stoked for the Cho Show! A Comic Seeks Herself and Finds a New Series (@nytimes) AND My favorite blogger fourfour interviewed her for vh1! Yay! (@fourfour).
5. Will the recession suck for artists too? Can the economy possibly suck any more than it already does for artists? YES! YES IT CAN!: The Future of Banks and Art Giving (@portfolio)
6. Two from the guardian book blogs: If 'lesbian author' gets me publicity, than so be it and How Bestsellers chart the state of nations (@the guardian uk)
7. This is the kind of thing I find ridiculously interesting: Skirting the Issues: What do September's fashion magazines tell us about the economy? (@slate)
8. Sex and the Olympic City:I played my first Games in Barcelona in 1992 and got laid more often in those two and a half weeks than in the rest of my life up to that point. (@the guardian uk)
9. Sorry I can't seem to not care about this and reaalllly especailly this!.
10. Look it's me and Caitlin's new apartment (@gizmodo)

28 comments:

Mercury said...

You made me want to spend like $50 on your zine,

but I already bought one for $5,

along with a pink tank top, because I don't cheat the rules.

e. said...

I wasn't gonna get a 'zine 'cause, y'know, issues with the moneys and all, but you're very cutely convincing, and also I think I'm getting "Lying" at the library instead of buying it (I know...I know...), which means that my Autowin budget is suddenly free to be spent on things like 'zines and/or underpants. (Which is excitant, no?)

Also, I really liked the quote today, it kinda gives me a tickle of hope.

Here's some pointless oversharing: When I was small, one summer I built a treehouse with my dad (I handed him the tools--a very important job, I'll have you know), which was cool. Except an owl started hanging out in there, and barfing its nasty pellets all over and leaving dead mice in the corners, and also a patch of giant stinging nettles grew up all around the tree. As a six-year-old, I found this to be a slightly intimidating combination, and I feel very strongly that a treehouse bedroom would have remedied approximately 88% of my childhood difficulties.

(In fact, a treehouse bedroom might actually help with a significant percentage of my challenges as a pseudo-adult, too.)

Anonymous said...

excitant
noun BIOLOGY
a substance that elicits and active physiological or behavioral response

ORIGIN early 17th century: perhaps suggested by French excitant

excitant in french means exciting. i know this because i live in france.

Anonymous said...

an active*

Dave Lozo said...

F After Ellen. You should start your own site called Before Ellen, and just pretend to guess who is a lesbian. You can write stories like, "Portia DeRossi -- does she munch the box that dare not speak its name?" Oh, start a rival site called After Portia. I miss Arrested Development.

And why is Ellen the beacon of light in the lesbian community? Her "coming out" wasn't even necessary. Who didn't see her and automatically assume she was a lesbo? That's like me holding a press conference to announce I'm bald. "I know, I know. This probably comes as a shock to all of you, but I haven't owned a comb since 2004."

What's the point of all this? Oh yeah. You're totally into the writing for capital gain. Don't lie to me. Except when it comes to penis size. Then the lying is OK.

caitlin said...

i cannot believe that you posted my intimate thoughts and feelings on the internets like that. without my permission. without asking. without telling me. what the hell kind of fun house are you running anyway? just kidding, i enjoyed the trip down memory lane, oh hoarder of emails.

also, after hearing a;ex talk about how she was hand stapling each 'zine together i started to think that maybe you should be charing more. i mean, flaunt is like $8 and this is way better and hand stapled from babypop herself.

carlytron said...

oh my god that email was amazing.

MoonKiller said...

I am totes excitant atm aha.

I got my gcse results yesterday and guess who got an a* in english, go on guess aha.

On a five day drink fest now woooo. aha.

Vashti said...

So *that's* why you guys started using "excitant"..

I always just assumed you were tossin' about un peu de francais, you know, for kicks.

I like to think a lot of people do that though cuz then I don't feel so weird when I say things like "bon ben!" or.. Actually, that's pretty much the only thing I took from 5 years of French..

ALSO, I want that room. Treehouses became illegal to build here by the time I was old enough to want to make one. I was a pissy little kid every time I saw one in the town over.

anonymous: This, this right here: "excitant in french means exciting. i know this because i live in france." I don't know why but it made me lol.

basia said...

that was more amazing than i'd ever imagined it would be. compliment for the realization of this wonderful site. you rappresent freedom, love and LOLs.

Victoria said...

I too hope Ann Coulter gets hit by a bus.

That woman has no soul.

Anonymous said...

I prefer the first amendment to a 401K

that's the best things i've read in a while.

also, let me make it clear that you were the first thing i turned i turned to once papi finally let me out of her limo/vortexmobile.

i want some yours, also.

jordan/itsthejeans

autumn m said...

i can honestly say that i had to look up the word zine to understand the complete concept. interesting. and i dont understand why Ann Coulter is still alive. i thought somebody would have killed her by now.

Leah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leah said...

I look shady, yes, with the two deleted comments.

I tried to share some LaLohan and Samantha love with you, but Im no good at these here 'puters...

:( Sad feelings abound

eric mathew said...

hi riese.

i miss you.

i'm tired... and i kissed a girl and i liked it.

okay... nvm. anyway... i am confused with this post but I still think it is funny...

I feel like I have been out of the blog world loop lately... I will be in NYC this week taping, but obvs not near you... which blows...

anyway... sometimes when i'm sad i go on tinkerbell's myspace because it reminds me of a small child who is a good writer and i chuckle to myself.

the other day in class ronnie was sad and negative and bored and said she was getting up to leave and going to meet tink in the city for v.t.'s.

so you bes' keep an eye on her.

anyway... i;m reading oscar wao now... i'm totes late, but when the AW BClub was reading it I was caught up in Sedaris and Burroughs new books.

gah. i'm so tired. i hate naps. i also hate facebook status'...

okay... until we meet again... hi haviland.

riese said...

mercury: First! Also as my first reader, I couldn't possibly ask you to spend $50.

e. "cutely convincing," I like that, I mean; I'll take it, and if I didn't need to underline everything, i'd library it too.

my dad build a serious play structure in the backyard. that's what it was called "play structure," 'cause it was built around a tree but not inside it, and it had a ladder to the ground, and so forth. I wanted to call it "treehouse" and sometimes I'd climb in the crap-apple tree and just hang out in there, wishing i was julia butterfly.

anonymous: your comment rappresents the breaking of my heart, I wanted that to be a fake word we invented and now i know it is real. I am sad, but also, I am happy for you to share this with me and thank you.

dave lozo; Actually there is a site called After Portia. Just a girl with a blog, it's funny, I think she's on my blogroll, we met her at an Uh HUh Her concert.

I didn't think Ellen was a lesbo, actually. I could explan to you why it was such a beacon of light, but I only have a limited time here, and I don't think you want to know for real. But however your comment about the baldness made me LOL this morning when I woke up kind of cranky. What I really want to know is how you fit your enormous penis into those XS boyshorts you ordered today!

caitlin:
I am a parody of myself
I cannot put your thoughts up on a shelf
but must parade them here for all to see
because this blog is about memememe
Let's go to vinyl, I hear they have great food
We can have some beer to get in the mood

As you know I used to work down the hallway from the flaunt boys and i can say without a doubt that they definitely did not work as hard as alex did to make this 'zine. She just tried to sell one to the clerk at Kim's Video who said she read autowin.

carlytron: oh my god i miss you. Speaking of emails, I'm writing you one!

moonkiller: It's easy to see from the content of this comment that you are absolutely the person you mention who definitely got an a* in English. I give this comment an a** in drunken english, and I salute you.

vashti: Yes grasshopper we reveal everything in time. I can't beleive none of us knew French to catch that. In my defense I took Hebrew and Spanish. I don't remember what exciting means in those things either though.

Treehouses are ILLEGAL where you live? Really!!! Do you live in communist Romania?

basia: Thank you for your realization of the inquiry for the realization of this exposition of the words for the use of site. lolsss.

victoria:I know they never assasinate the people who deserve it.

itsthejeans: We wondered where you'd gone to. If I ever was in the vortexmobile, I'd turn to me too. Or Christina Alguilera. No, definitely me.

autumn m: Now that you understand the concept I'm sure you are very excitant that Caitlin bought you a 'zine!

leah: It's okay, I apprecaite the effort. I'm sure I'll run across something ... :-)


eric mathew: I thought maybe you were serious about kissing a girl and liking it but then I realized you're just pulling a katy perry on me. Tinkerbell says thank you for the compliments as she is just now learning to read and write. She would like to meet any people for vodka tonic but would like to register the complaint that riese never wants to take her anywhere. also haviland is a movie star now. i'm glad that you're reading oscar wao! you'll get lying next.

eric mathew said...

i actually have been kissing my friend allison a lot in public lately.

it's fun... but people get weirdly freaked out like wtf... why would you kiss her.

or like aren't you gay?

and it's like yeah... and i can't kiss girls? all i'm saying is i wanna be bff with selene from cho's show.

oakwird emily said...

whoa, those emails are extremely funny. made me laugh to tears, for real. so, thanks for sharing. like always, duh. i often want to give my money away, too. you should offer a fill-in-the-blank price option or something if that's possible. i'd totally pay, like, a lot, b/c irresponsible spending and helping people are two of my main interests. also b/c i feel like i should be paying you for saving me the money i don't have to spend on therapy. lol. seriously, you give really good free advice & provide entertainment that is comforting, thought provoking and fun all at once. oh, and i'm looking forward to the subtle-colored merch you mentioned before. i'm buying a pink tank, anyway, and a zine. whoa, i hadn't intended this to be such a long comment. have a nice day.
p.s. my word verification thingy says oakwird. that's funny, right?

autumn m said...

ok she didnt really buy me one right? i thought she was joking! autumn is so confused.
dont you just hate people who talk in third person

caitlin said...

ya autumn i really did. feel the love generation.

MoonKiller said...

w/r/t excitant meaning exciting in French, don't be downhearted because it means exciting in the sexual sense, I know this because my sister lives in France.

Also, I'm proud of my drunken English and one shall be speaking it again shortly.

autumn m said...

love generation? whats that mean? and i still dont understand why you bought me one. whats the catch? people arent nice. they have there own motives

Anonymous said...

moonkiller is correct. in french je suis excite (with an accent on the e) means i am excited in a sexual sense meaning as an adjective excitant has a sexual connotation. this is, in fact, correct. i know this because i live in france (as previously stated and now i am drunk and writing this ridiculousness) lzdkhelfshsldfjlsdfjldsfj_ _ _

i also enjoy the fact that ON accident is incorrect and it is, in fact, BY accident.

Vashti said...

My town is run by crotchety old coots determined to keep the youth at bay by not allowing them to ride bikes/rollerblades/skateboards/scooters/etc on the sidewalks, enforcing the 20 mph speed limit in downtown, closing every store at 8 or 9, and banning treehouse construction.

It may not be communist Romania but it certainly is no fun.

cookies said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cookies said...

I'm diggin' Tinkerbell's new outfit.
Is it new? Maybe it isn't. Maybe the awesomeness of the zine is blinding my eyes and making me hallucinate.

-edit-
What I forgot to say was, I tried to remember if Tinkerbell ever wore clothes but I get a vision of UHH panties.

And now I've spent 10 minutes thinking about Tinkerbell.

eem said...

i'll tumble for you

muah


come to the franklin palace