Sunday Top Ten: Way Back in the 90's, PART ONE

Prior to 2003, my little brother (Year Of Birth: 1984) was the youngest person alive. In '03, my boyfriend (YOB: 1983 -- alarmingly young, and the only youngster I'd ever dated) cheated on me with an '87-born girl who sported the AIM handle "AllyBoo," making HER the youngest person alive. Now, thanks to the internets, I know many young people, and it is a truth universally acknowledged that A;ex/Semicolon (YOB:1985555) is now the youngest person alive. I'd like to cite Stef, who recently addressed a young commenter (who didn't know about 'zines) with this: "Your profile says you were born in 1987, making you even younger than semicolon, so maybe you missed out on the golden age of the 'zine."

It's mind-boggling; all these young people who missed so many important things by only a few years. Change moves quickly these days, and Hav & I (high school class of '99) find even our Class of '01 friends don't know much about Angela Chase. Heartbreaking. Unfortunately, VH1's premature nostalgia ejaculations have covered our exclusive 90's nostalgia territory before we could -- not that I've seen 'em, but you know how I love reading about teevee.

See, I'm [really thinking about] packing [for moving] right now, which makes this week a prime-time for time travel, as I'm [sure I'll be] stumbling upon massive amounts of shit from the 90's that I've still got around. Why do I keep these things? I don't know. I mean! 'Cause I'll need this stuff when I write my book! And 'cause one day this photo of Claire Danes from Seventeen will be worth millions on the 'bay! I'm gonna do this in two parts. The second part is also exciting.

Sunday Top Ten PART ONE of TWO: Things From the 90's You Should Know About

10. Sassy Magazine

Last month I read How Sassy Changed my Life, it was a delightful trip down memory lane to the little teen dream magazine that couldn't. Sassy, designed to emulate the more subversive tone employed by Australian teen magazines, launched in 1989 and was a godsend to alternateen girls all over the nation. Drawing on an audience who felt alienated by the aggressive heterosexuality and blatant appearance-based commercialism exuded by women's magazines like Seventeen, Teen, YM and Mademoiselle, Sassy was ripped mercilessly from our tender teenaged hands in 1996, therefore creating the alienation that lead us all to do drugs, become gay and recycle. There's been nothing quite like it since -- though props to JANE (founded in '97, folded in '07) and ElleGirl (founded in '01, folded in '06) for trying.

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9. The Aerosmith Alicia Silverstone Music Video Trifecta

Ostensibly, these videos were about a very hot heterosexual girl (Alicia Silverstone) driven to desperate measures (usually involving desert landscapes, babydoll dresses, boots and convertibles) by bad bad bad bad boys. Secretly, all these videos were about the intense burning lesbian love affair between Alicia Silverstone (Clueless) and Liv Tyler (Empire Records ... also, she's Steven Tyler's daughter). Alicia's first boyfriend (Cryin') drives her to fake her own suicide attempt, her second (Amazin') prematurely ejaculates and plays too many video games.

Which brings me to "Crazy." Can I call Alicia "Leesh"? Okay, I will. I can best explain the plot of "Crazy" to you IN RHYME/poem form. Or you can watch the video itself.

Crazy:
Leesh & Liv are too cool for school
little bitty plaid skirt shimmy out the window,
baby you can sleep while I ditch the sweater
'cause two girls with the top down is better.

Worldwide seduction tour, the wide world's free
shades at our fingers, pump up the car, look at me
if you can't beat 'em, you'll undress while I take their money.

Aerosmith likes its men perpetually thirteen & on bended knee
all wanting and objectifying every shiny-haired woman they see
I spy a young supple maiden in a short skirt & wisp of tiny tee
public display of patriarchal longing, I got a sinker if you've got a hook
[or a breathy screaming line] but who cares!? I mean, just look
at the way they look
at each other.

Leesh is in drag; suit tie & hat
Liv's stripping in white shiny pants
they win the contest, ditch the boys, hop on the bed,
drive through endless fields, sky kisses heads
sun-streaked skin and sex, money laughs, hair dashes,
baby you can rock while I roll.

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7. 'Zines

'Zines, obvs: I've said enough about 'zines this week (in honour of our first auto-win zine). Howevs, the Auto-Insomnia 'zine is way better than my first attempt at 'zining in 1997. The contents of Lunette included an investigation of the word "fake," a story called "How Drinking Ruined our Clique," a My So-Called Life drinking game, my brother's column about life in middle school, suggestions of "What to Do When You're Bored" (e.g., go putt putt golfing, drive way out of town and find a restaurant you've never been to and eat there, go to the top of the parking structure & spit on people), photos from our trip Mexico, The Boy Hall of Fame (two friends and Gabriel Dameon from Newsies), and my favorite part -- "Our Research Project": "Since Marie has aol (America Online) and can type really fast, we went online and asked a gazillion people what they thought about teenagers. Only a few people were willing to talk to us though. If you want to email any of these people, don't tell them where you got their names from, it's confidential." Questions included, "did you live a childhood of innocence?" and "what do you think of The Spice Girls?"

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6. My So-Called Life

It's really hard to communicate with people who've not seen this show. They cannot understand the depth & importance of statements like: "I just love the way he leans," and "you're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you." Luckily fourfour breaks it all down for you in this video. Howevs, if we're going to be friends in any meaningful way, just rent the DVDs, they only had one season, it's not gonna take forever. The cancellation of MSCL was our generation's Vietnam.

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5. So, Back to UsUsUs

I believe the world can be divided into three kinds of people:
1. People who didn't get braces 'cause they didn't need 'em.
2. People who had braces for 2.5 or more years. (me)
2a. and headgear, rubber bands, etc.
3. People who had braces for less than 2.5 years.

Do kids still get braces? Are they clear? I don't know what's going on in the world anymore.

Anyhow, whether you did or didn't get braces -- if you're a blogger or a reader and you've got a photo of yourself modeling through any of the days between '94 and '97, e-mail it to me, tell me your commenter name (if you have one) or blog name and you just may appear in Segment Two of the Sunday Top Ten: Way Back in the 90's.
For Installment One of "Back in the 90's" I present THE AUTO-CREW!
sans Haviland, who claims she has no photos of herself taken
between her early youth and 2005.
Suspiciously, neither did The Girl on the Milk Carton.
No but really I'd like to bring this back around to why it's a good thing I cart everything with me everywhere, 'cause you never know when your BFF is gonna request an old photo of you from the 90's.

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Send your 1994, 1995, 1996 or 1997 photos to marielyn176@gmail.com.