Old School Style Sunday Top Ten: Let me Entertain You

If you're reading this, then you already know: the latest episode of "Flirt! With Haviland Stillwell" is [supposed to] LAUNCH into the WEBOSPHERE at some point on TUESDAY on Broadway World dot com and you should go watch it, 'cause I edited it myself! That's right, all by myself, like Zarathustra. I didn't go outdoors or speak to other humans for like three days. I've also developed a medley in my head which includes 2- second clips of various showy tunes, here's how it goes: "Memorieeeeees look at me look at me oh no now go walk out that door and all that jazz all she cares about is love all he cares about is LOVE! he ran into my knife ten times! take me outttt tonight! yeah! but it ain't last call for you and me! awhoaha whooooaahh and iiiii want my baby back enough is enough is enough"

It's a good thing I actually like musical theater somewhat, otherwise I would've drilled my eyes out with animal-themed vibrators while editing this thing. I just think that'd be a funny way to go blind, like Oedipus but sparkly and with a g-spot.

Anyhow last week I did real meaningful writing type things and now I will compensate by switching over to another primary topic: frivolity.

In honor of FLIRT! and Andrea McArdle in drag; today I'll indulge my lifelong romance with the theater with a Top Ten of Theatrical Experiences.

I'm not doing this to suck the asses of the minions who may travel here hunting for haviland photos, I mean, Hav doesn't even like musical theater as much as I do and I'm not gay so why would I suck on someone's ass, that'd be boring. This Top Ten is part of a thematic series of Simple Top Tens, brought to you by Totally Simple Magazine. Previous issues have included Top Ten Sport, Top Ten Dream Jobs, "Top Ten Worst Holidays, Top Twenty Love Songs, Top Ten People from "Full House" that I'd Sleep With, Top Ten Musical Memories.

Secretly I was once into theater more than I've ever been into anything ever. If it wasn't for the intense pressure and limited financial security of my super grown-up life, I still would be. I'd see anything: musicals at public high schools, operettas in rural Southeastern Michigan, any ol' tour that rambled through Detroit -- hell -- I'd watch dinner theater with rapture. When we traveled, we saw theater, and sometimes its landmarks, or traveled specifically to see theater in Stratford (Canada), Oregon, and Spring Green (Wisconsin). I went to a boarding school that teemed with incredible theater, did the theater "beat" for my college paper (U of M did some good stuff -- even smaller shows like Closer and 4.49 Psychosis), omg!

So I've always had a lot of actor friends or boyfriends or girlfriends. I like to be the person who works on the words, then I match up with someone who can handle the external things, like images and movement.

I wanted to write "My So Called life: The Musical" but Haviland told me that wasn't a good investment plan.

I wanna see Six Degrees of Separation (John Guare) and I'm confused why I've never been able to find anyone doing it anywhere ever in my whole life.

TOP TEN MOMENTS OF THEATRICAL GLORY AND SUCCESS AS MEASURED ON A VARIANT SCALE OF DIVERSE JUDGMENT TECHNIQUES

10. Spring Awakening (Broadway): If you've ever emailed me the day of -- then you know. I never say yes to anything the day of. When I get up, I've got a good idea about how the day's gonna go from there and I change plans for two things: people I want to bang, and theater. So when I said "yes!" to Lainy's query: "I found two front row seats for $50, wanna go tonight?," her reply was was "really?!!" 'cause I'd just made a day-of plan, the first of our friendship.

If the dictionary played music, it'd play the SA soundtrack under "yearning." See: prefect, sexy, full, jumping. Also, it's hot to see the Original Broadway Cast of something that you know'll be around for a while.
*

9. Poona the Fuck Dog and Other Stories for Children (Off-Off Broadway): This is the show we saw the night that me and Ingrid and Meg put the white tabs on our tongues and then ate our cookies and then each other's hearts and then went all the way uptown. I don't remember what it was about but it must've been glorious. That title! And it inspired us to do hallucinogenics.
*

8. The Laramie Project (Off- Broadway): A masterpiece for real.
*
7. The View From Tall (reading, the East Village somewhere): Just a reading of a new play but it was the first time I saw Haviland act. She played a 15-year-old. And I remember thinking; "good, she's really fucking good." 'Cause I can't be besties with an artist who's bad at their art, it gets awkward. So once I knew that every compliment I'd ever give her would be true, we were good to go.
*
6. Grease (Broadway Tour) starring Rosie O'Donnell, Detroit: I still have my ticket. I was a wee lass and kept thinking "I am in the same room as my favorite famous person!" and wondering if my life would change after sharing walls and relatively -- oxygen -- with her. It didn't. And by the time I actually spoke to her person-to-person, I was older and saw famous people as real people, not as "famous people." I thought the show was fun, but wondered what happened to "You're the One That I Want."

*

5. Collected Stories (Donald Marguiles) starring Uta Hagen, Off-Broadway: One of my first trips to the city, Ryan saw the tkts listing and said OMG, it's Uta Hagen, whatever she's doing we're seeing it. And it was this wonderful thing; this story about writers. And the acting was so perfect.

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4. No Exit, Pioneer High School (Ann Arbor, MI): I was stage managing this play when my Dad passed away. I dropped out as part of my "change everything about my life to make it unrecognizable" plan but my desire to see it overpowered my desire to avoid my former friends. The set was tacky, the acting mediocre, but it was good enough. It's just such an incredible script. Someone surprised me -- the boy with a third nipple, I think -- he played mean so good. We had t-shirts for Midsummer's Night Dream (which I'd been in) that said "Dream" on the front. For No Exit, our t-shirts read; "Hell is Other People."
*
3. RENT, Broadway: I saw it in Detroit on tour and was underwhelmed. But I'd love the soundtrack so much and so -- in another unprecedented move inspired by theater -- I made a day-of plan to see it in NYC on Broadway. After an afternoon team meeting at Olive Garden, Ricky pulled me aside and said "we're going to go wait in line to get those last-minute $10 standing-room-only tickets for Rent wanna come Elizabeth has never seen it," and I said, "Okay," and I did and it was beautiful, even though I was sick then and my limbs throbbed when I stood still for long stretches of time. I still stood; captivated and painless, you know? I guess as lame as this sounds, Rent encapsulates a lot of how I feel. Like, about my life.

(sidenote; did you know you can watch the press reels of the original cast on youtube?)

(Got tickets for In the Heights, Passing Strange, August: Osage County, Avenue Q, Chicago, Wicked, Rent, Spring Awakening, Xanadu, or [title of show] any time? I'll make it happen.)

2. Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolff? Broadway (revival w/Kathleen Turner): It was a Wednesday matinee or something. Me and the senior citizens, which's just how I like it, we had a soft food buffet afterwards. I suspect Kathleen Turner was a stunning villain in her prior life, which took place in graphic novels. Now she's just like a superhuman.

1. Familyland by guess who, ok. It's me you guys! memememee! (Interlochen Arts Academy Senior One-Acts): There's nothing that gratifies the soul of a monkey who tries very hard to be funny sometimes (jk, totally effortless, second nature, my fukù is funny fukù) more than an entire room of peoples captivated by a group of peoples reading your words out loud.

Honorable Mentions:
a) The Shane Reading: Lainy and I skipped work to go see this one 'cause Haviland was reading stage directions for Susan Miller's play about writing a lesbian teevee show (Susan wrote for the first season of TLW) and she'd snagged actors like Sarah Paulson and SHANE to do it. It changed my life forever I am now not a monkey but Godot.
b) Our Town (my Middle School, Ann Arbor, Michigan): I played Stage Manager. During the monologue about love, I looked @my boyfriend with deep love of all shapes and sizes. My costume; blazer & a t-shirt. Bad sign. I've said it before; Our Town's one of my favorite plays, though it's popularly disliked by people not smart like me and Thornton.
c) All plays I ever saw that involved children dressed up as objects like trees, sailboats or fruits/vegetables.
d) late add : Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Caitlin likes it a lot. I was in it. In the interest of adolescent fairness, we had a different Joseph in each act. It was better when I saw it in Detroit with Donny Osmond, who I was already curious about in general 'cause I was very into the 70's then (it was my Brady Bunch phase), he had a little spat with Rosie O'Donnell culminating in a musical event on her show and he has a sister named Marie. My name is also Marie, and I wrote this blog. Toodles! Also it's on the short list of "scores I have memorized from start to finish."

Ok you guys I have to get at least four hours of sleep and watch three more hours of Rent videos. There's all this 10 year anniversary original cast recording stuff too. All our lives I've longed to discover something as true as this is ...

I Pull Up to the Front of Your Driveway With Magic Soaking My Spine (and Auto-Fun)

A night out: widespread potential for things to go wrong. For me, the moment I leave the safety of a designated shelter, I'm already on edge, thinking of the myriad missteps possible between the door of aforementioned shelter and the engagement in the promised fun. ("Fun" = the commonly agreed upon purpose of a night out).

These areas of potential failure include:
a) Entertainments (Good movie? Party full o' douchebags?)
b) Company (Friends, humor, value, tension, fights, lovers, diversity, desire, deflection, admiration, the whole spectrum of human emotion really.)
c) Food (Hunger, cravings, availability, economy.)
d) Intoxication (Level, type & sensation, result, how your stomach/head feels about it.)
e) Transportation (Form, comfort, cost, pleasure experienced en route, cabbie smelled/ruled.)
f) Economics (Cost more/less than expected, you saved twenty percent on car insurance, something inspiring a "priceless" away message on AIM happened, you were robbed at gunpoint.)
g) Special (Having your phone stolen would be an especially bad thing, getting hugged by Cam and Leisha at their initiative would be an especially good thing. Meeting the ex-love of your life in an unexpected but terrible place = bad. Meeting the love of your life = good)
h) Health (Are you tired? Are you allergic to the punch/cats? Did you get too drunk, or take up yoga? Or ... like, the proverbial yoga?)
i) Intellect (Did this event make you smarter somehow? Probs not, but you never know, I do enjoy a good poetry reading, I felt spiritually moved by Uh Huh Her the first time I saw them for real.)
j) Fashion (How did you look? Did you do the costume of the day? Did Haviland compliment your attire? Is your name "Tinkerbell," and were you wearing a pullover made out of Uh Huh Her briefs?)

Sometimes the stars align however, and all in one night -- you make it to your far-away location without pulling any U-Turns, despite Miss GPS's stern desire to re-calculate the route, run into a friend you haven't seen in forevs, enjoy the friends you're with, reach the perfect level of intoxication (giggly, but not about to crack one's skull on a glass table), drinks seem basically free compared to NYC, your cabbie actually waits outside of Wendy's -- for y'all to fulfill your specific 5-piece and fries craving (easily satisfied within blocks of final shelter!) -- just like you asked him to, Leisha and Cam say awesome mega-kind unexpected things about your video/your yous and are super-sweet all around, Tinkerbell gets her Uh-Huh-Her outfit signed, etc. I'm just saying ... such a thing is possible. Did we see Eric Mathew? No. But otherwise, Philadelphia, we're cool now. I call truce. Also, UHH, we still need to have a chat about tardiness.

Also "Special" is that North Star Bar in Philly had a gigantic fan upstairs, providing many opportunities for memory-making via photograph. Unfortunately we didn't see Rovermom, so I didn't have a chance to punch her in the face.

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I have this idea that I take too long to write things. And I don't know if that makes me write better things, or just write things that are equally good (if not polished/refined) but in different ways.

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Someone explain twitter to me. Why would I want people to keep tabs on me all the time, isn't that what stalking laws prevent? I just don't understand it.

I saw this on post secret and thought I'd put it here.
I like it.

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I have notes, everywhere. I go through them to put things together and my mind boggles itself. What was I talking about? Here's a sample of a notebook page of material from yours truly, circa I'm not really sure, but I think at least two years ago?:

Under "heroes," I wrote "Mrs. Dalloway." Aspeth wrote "Captain Kangaroo." That's when I knew I loved her.

I didn't like him in the morning. Sometimes men reminded me of giant animal trees. Sad ones. This primal lust -- beast -- cut through way too quickly with its apology. It was in the moment between animal and apology where he lost me.

"She's not very bright, Marie. She's just beautiful and not bright and so totally ordinary."
"But she's got a really extraordinary ass."

face of faith - nellie mckay
melt your heart - jenny lewis
go your own way - snow and voices

Her friends were all angles, it turned out. She'd thought they were gelatinous, gooey things -- shifting & blending into each other ... forming better, stronger things. But no, it turned out, looking around the table - all points, points wanting to be made. and now.

"you are so lovely it makes me sad" -text message from a---.

-Veronica is from Florida.
-2BR apt w/a vegan drug dealer.
-Alice runs everywhere she's crazy like that

In middle school, the songs were our ideas. "Our song" -- an initiative, carried forth w/o support or input from our partners. We chose sweet pop ballads like "Hero" or "Groovy Kind of Love." First song we danced to, lyrical relevance. Our boyfriends were scrawny kids with awkward teeth, swallowed in skater pants; they listened to Nine Inch Nails.

"I got a lot of problems. I am very sick. I have a lot of problems, Miriam. I used to have a Camaro." (-Man in metropolitan hospital.)

All I had then, was a faint suspicion that I was more than this.

Me = "Long, lanky Olive Oyl type. Perverted in a good way." - Daphne

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And in this spirit, I go on to the automatic "fun" of the day. This's been difficult to assemble, 'cause my internet has been completely spastic for about four days now, making life so insufferable that I actually subjected myself to making an outgoing phone call to fix the problem. I thought just now it was fixed via that magic trick that verizon people do when you call them that makes you look like a total idiot for even calling, but it turns out; totally not. I keep starting thoughts I can't finish, it's disorienting.

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[Someone quoted this in the comments recently ... i couldn't find it ... then i was reading this blog just now and came across it, subsequently, the poem its from in poetry, and thought, this is something to say again ...]

**
quote: "What are you thinking?" She asks.
Light shutters across us. Wherever you are
in me I'm there, though it's not what you wanted."
(Phillip White, "Infidelity.")

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links:
1) Speaking of the stars aligning; last week I randomly felt inspired to speak of Chris Farley. This week, Sam Anderson reviews a book about Chris Farley, (@nymag)
2) I just finished "Have You No Shame: And Other Regreattable Stories," but I'm not gonna talk about it 'til July, which's when I estimate I'll finish "Stuff I'm Reading: May" considering we're well into May and I've yet to do April ... anyhow, recommended. (@mediabistro)
3) A poem for Michigan, the Midwest : "A Primer," by Bob Hicok. "February/ is thirteen months long in Michigan. / We are people who by February / want to kill the sky for being so gray / and angry at us. 'What did we do?' is the state motto." (@the new yorker)
4) "Dear Writing, a love/hate letter" (@lusty lady)
5) Audacia's got a video clip now of her standing up for sex worker rights during the spitzer hoo-ha on CNN (@waking vixen)
6) Janice Erlbaum: "Remember when I used to talk about myself all the time. I kind of don't feel like it any more." (@girlbomb)
7) The Top 12 Jews in Cinema (@nerve.com)
8) "Another person chimed in: 'Do you like fag porn? All my queer female friends do.'": Girls Love Gay Porn (@the village voice)
9) It's possible, apparently, that instant messaging is not harming teenager's language skills but rather represents "a linguistic renaissance." Includes LOL statistics. (@the new scientist)
10) Anyhow, yay! Gays can marry in California! (@nytimes)
11) Also, I updated autostraddle! Kinda ...

Sunday Top Ten: Gay Rosie Cruise Blog, Part Two, with VIDEO

7/14/07: The weirdest part of returning from the cruise is remembering that everyone's not gay anymore. You re-adjust your mindset to auto-gay while aboard, and I today on the subway I thought: "Wow, there're so many hot gay girls in the city these days!" and then remembered: "Oh yeah. Those girls look straight because they ARE straight."

Also weird: I got about 1.5 hours of sleep last night and I'm still awake. I don't know why. It's either stimulants or insanity or both. When I first woke up, I wasn't sure if my dreams were reality or not, and I had to double-check with Hav that no one had a foursome last night. Also, Lainy somehow packed one of my Chuck Taylors and both of my flip-flops (I hate flip flops in non-cruise context, so this's not a big deal, but man do I miss that Chuck Taylor) in her suitcase, and I'm supposed to go to her place to obtain it, which seems unfair. I cannot do this. Instead I will just wear my cowboy boots.

Somehow I managed to get off the boat without my passport or filling out a customs form and possibly still fucked up from the night before. I'm like Johnny Depp but without a stunning jawline. Where is my passport? Good question. I haven't seen it since I boarded on the first day. I've been feeling like Natalie Rabey lately [she likes to live on the verge]: though I frequently lose things like hats and sunglasses and umbrellas, it's rare for me to misplace a key item like a passport and I've never lost a phone or a wallet (howevs: the Philly phone theft was not my fault whatsoever, and I mean that: I'm really good about accepting blame for things, even things that aren't my fault, so when I say "not my fault," I'm serious). I'm really on a roll these days, though.

The most brill event of the cruise, as featured on broadway.com, was the reading Heather and I put together for "Living it Out"/"Live it Out" (I like the former, Carly prefers the latter). Everyone seemed concerned we weren't enjoying our vacation. However, relaxing gives me anxiety attacks, so I may as well be anxious, you know? It's more productive. Heather, who stage manages Altar Boyz and pretty much whatever else you throw at her, assured me it was "fun." It was fun! So yeah, we did a reading starring Andrea McArdle and Haviland Stillwell ... omg I have so many bug bites I am going to scream or itch all my skin off. Probs the latter.

[P.S. I stopped taking photos. Layla has a bunch, which I'll post as I get them.]

ALSO UPDATE: Speaking of the cruise ... I wrote an essay about the R-Family Cruise I went on last year (Alaska 2006) and my dear friend Haviland, and it just went up on OurChart! Check it out and write me something nice.

Sunday Top Ten:
Really Just "Cruise Blog, Part Two" but Told in the Format of a Top Ten, Highlighting the Highlights of the Last Four Days of the R-Family Cruise.

10. Night Watch: 7/13-14

Jenn, Riese [me, obvs], Heather, Megan, Haviland, Mary Mitchell

On the last night, backstage, following Annie: champagne for everyone and their mothers. Andrea threw Megan against the wall: "This is for the DVD extra deleted scenes, when Sydney pushes Parker against the wall and shows her who's boss." [Seriously though, that's only the beginning of the amazingness Carly and I have planned for the DVD extras.] Anyhow, the champagne: entire bottles. Of Moet. So Heather slipped one in her bag, later we uncorked it in the hallway with surprisingly minimal poppage.

We all needed to sleep, to pack, to get up early ... instead, we drank in the piano bar while campaigning for Megan to sing, for Hav & Megan to do "Take me or Leave Me," for more champagne, poured into flutes, filling empty air with sugary bubbles. Later in the night--though I don't know when, because I wouldn't let anyone tell me what time it was, Megan noted: "I have no recollection of any time before this conversation." It feels that way sometimes. We spent the last two waking hours -- Heather, Haviland, Megan, Layla, Maddie and I -- laughing in the smoky darkness of H+H's stateroom. The sunrise, I hear, was perfect.

9. Boogie Nights: 7/13

We're admiring A.McArdle's Juicy separates -- in particular, her bedazzled ass -- and telling her how smokin' hot she is, and she says: "But I'm like: the 70's!" This was much funnier in person. I don't know how to tell you that.

8.Wild Things: 7/10

Drinking Party, Courtesy of Room Service and the Pirate Liquor Store

Since I'm the Queen of Smuggle, I picked up some Smirnoff at the local liquor store in Key West and then poured said Smirnoff into water bottle and then re-boarded the boat. They don't let you bring liquor on board : I guess it's mostly so they can make more money, but perhaps there's more to it than that. International Outer Space Laws or something.

It just occurred to me: maybe I am invisible? I feel like I've opted out of everything required and all the rules all week, and no one seems to notice or care or I guess just dare to challenge me, which makes me worry perhaps I have no more skin and everyone can see through me?

I mean ... wow. OK:

I smuggled some prohibited things onto the ship.
Boarded without a ticket, also not on the room list.
Skipped the lifejacket drill.
Drank vodka from the mini-bar and replaced it with water, avoiding cost.
Smuggled Smirnoff onto the ship in a Dasani bottle.
Made about 400 copies without paying until the last 15 or so, when they got a new desk clerk.
Stole an inner tube that's supposed to cost $20 to rent.
Scheduled an event which conflicted with a already scheduled activity and got that activity canceled. for our event.
Enjoyed free drinks at private events simply for being best friends with Haviland .
Ordered room service simply to obtain mixers (juices are not free usually) for our smuggled alcohol.
De-boarded without a passport.
Walked right by customs, since I hadn't filled out a form yet, because I'm stupid and didn't know we had to.

I think that's only the tip of the iceberg.

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7. Incredibly True Adventures: 7/11

I'm not big into the beach, swim suits, sand all over my skin, etc. But this private island at Grand Stirrup Cay was too beautiful for me to be cynical, even when I got my hands sticky from watermelon. The Island was my only shot at getting tan but Haviland made me put on suntan lotion. Boooo . By this point, I'd totally stopped taking photos because Heather and I were so busy putting together the reading that I couldn't really think about much else, like pictures. But other people took pictures. Like Jenn and Nick, photographed on your left.

We stole a big raft/inner tube thing and laid on it--Heather, Lainy and I--talked about Susan Powter and stared at the clean blue sky and big sun. Then we heard a little voice yell "Heather Joy!" and turned to see a cute Havi-head bobbing in the water, nearing us. "Heather Joy I'm swimming all the way out here I better get a kiss!" And it was so funny. Almost as funny as my bathing suit which did not match. Layla's got a photo or two of that situation.

That's Jenn and Nick on the left.
Jenn, Ross and Nick after that, and then a lovely photo I took of Heather and Haviland on our way out to the island.

Heather and I had to go back to the ship to make fliers and stuff for the reading, confirm space and actors, etc., then we came back out for the island dance party and drank a lot of tequila really fast, then spent the night chillin' with Caroline, who works at Cattyshack and is Heather Matarazzo's girlfriend. Later she called Heather-M and I talked to her on the phone and was like "What's up? Why aren't you here?" because I've been her fan for like, for-ever, since Welcome to the Dollhouse, obvs.

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6. Boys on the Side

'
This is a photo of the one time I did not either eat at
The Garden Cafe
or skip a meal altogether.

I keep walking into the kitchen with my plate but there is no food to put on it. Where is my food? Do I have to make it myself? I'm gonna walk into another room with my plate and see if I can find some food. Perhaps some hummus or salad? The worst part of the cafeteria (it's called the "Garden Cafe" but we all know what that means: dining hall!) was that the fries were in the kiddie section, which is blocked off with little fences, a la McDonalds Playland, so I had to fully bend over to access the knee-high serving area to get fries. I'd eat adult food, but it looked un-tasty.

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5. High Art: 7/10

"I am WAY BUMMED to not be on the boat and the reading sounds like the most
exciting thing to ever happen to me - slash - not happen to me, as I
am not there."
-Carlytron

I wake up on Tuesday morning with my mind a-buzz, thinking: "We should put together a reading of this teleplay." I go to Heather and Haviland's room, relay this idea. Then Heather morphs overnight into Super-Producer. Seriously: Heather Weiss, you are abso-fucking-lutely amazing.

There was so much talent on the ship. Casting was fun. Most important of all was getting someone amazing to play Sydney and Andrea McArdle said she'd love to do it. And she effin' nailed it, it was brill.

So Wednesday, we're making invitations, securing space, inviting actors, she's calling Michael The Event Coordinator drunk after our night at the beach luau dance: "The thing is, Michael, that there are a lot of important people coming to this reading, Andrea McArdle is reading the lead ..."

Then he gave us permission (which he tried to redact the next day) and then we started handing out fliers. By that I mean we collapsed laughing in the hallway and handed out fliers with relative abandon. I think my flip-flop fell off. I don't know what happened, all I remember is sitting on the carpet while Heather was laughing.

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4. If These Walls Could Talk 7/10-7/12

Our girl ... Shaana? I forget her name. Anyhow, she rocked. We filled out a recommendation form for the desk clerk ... "Dude, she's gonna be promoted to ship captain." She even crossed her fingers for us when Heather was talking to Michael.

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3. All Over Me 7/12/07

"9:30 movie has been canceled for an event in the cinema. We apologize for the inconvenience."
-sign outside the CINEMA

Me: "This is the best thing I have ever seen in my life."
Heather: "We need to photograph this sign and then save it for our hypothetical scrapbooks. This is amazing."

(We totally forgot to do that, but it's true: the joy that swelled in our ambitious hearts when we saw it ... it felt real. So many of my projects exist only in theory--this one included, of course--but the fact that this reading was coming together, was official, had displaced The Pursuit of Happyness ... made me feel pretty excited about pursuing my own happiness. And Carly's, obvs.)

Because circa 24 hours ago, we'd reserved the space (or so we thought), confirmed it's availability ... and then seen The Pursuit of Happyness on the schedule. Obvs Heather took care of that immediately by opening the display case and removing that information, lest anyone get excited. I suggested we post a sign indicating "the movie's been relocated to your room, where it happens to be showing on your in-room movie channel at this exact moment,which's brill planning on behalf of the Norwegian Dawn."

I refused to accept that our reading could be displaced by a crap Will Smith movie (confession: I kinda love Will Smith sometimes, I mean, "Fresh Prince"? Holla! Also I.C. used to write for that show).

Back Row, L to R: Esera, Janet, Andrea, Craig, Anne, Jen
Front Row, L to R: Tara, Megan, Haviland, Riese, Nick, Lainy

So, that night, if anything could be more exciting than that sign, the men in black showed up with fruit and water and chairs and music stands and then our cast:

Andrea McArdle (Broadway's original Annie, obvs) as Sydney, Meeeeeee as Morgan, Haviland Pekor Stillwell as Samantha, Craig Ramsay as Caleb, Janet Caroll reading stage directions/etc, Megan Jacoby as Parker, Nick Nerio as Joe, Anne Steele as Courtney, Esera Tualo as Aiden, Tara Michelle as Kyra, Chelain Goodman as Hannah, and Jen Namoff as Deb/Lizzie Marriot/"Angry Dyke."

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2. Saving Face

"What're you gonna say before the reading starts?" Everyone assumes that because I don't like talking to humans one-on-one, I'm similarly frightened of crowds. So not true. I was an actress once upon a time in my youth, and though that was eons ago, I'm not afraid of stages, talking on them, or speaking to audiences. I love readings! Hello, sex and dating panel, anyone, obviously not. Howevs, I didn't know what I was going to say to introduce the reading, and I actually don't remember what I did say.

But I had this really fabulous idea to say: "HELLO! I'm Ilene Chaiken, creator and executive producer of Showtime's hit series The L Word. Today we have a special new project to share with you, starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers..."

Here's the thing about that: it's really effin' addictive. Once you start saying "HELLO! I'm Ilene Chaiken !" in an Ilene Chaiken voice, you can't stop. I kept saying it over and over. I wish I could've introduced it like that, but what if no-one laughed? What if they thought I really WAS Ilene Chaiken, you know? [Then I could probably get this show made tomorrow, even before Carly and I go back to do more revisions. I could be like: "This show isn't the greatest, but it's about lesbians!" and then, BOOM, made.]

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1. Imagine Me and You

There's so many good things in the air right now. It's hard to know which one to face and run at full-speed, and it's hard to know what full speed even is. I think I/we've done our best to go for it, though, re-channeling negative energy into progress and direction and dream-making.

Our cruise, in fact, was re-routed: apparently we were owed another day at the private island, but the boat was unable to run at it's optimum speed and we had to cut out the extra morning to make it home in time. I didn't care because honestly I had no clue where we were going in the first place.

That's probably a good metaphor for life. I could use a lot of boat and water related metaphors right now, like stuff about going with the flow and seeing where the wind takes you or something, but those are all pretty passive. I wanna be a little Jet-Ski like zzzzzzzz.

Really though: one of the best things about coming home was checking my voice mail to hear one from my grandmother: "We saw your article in the magazine," she says, Ohio accent in full force. "Well, sweetie. We didn't realize you were in such a state!" Yes: Marie Claire magazine, this time featuring an article written by me and no terrible picture of me, is in stores now and buy it!

Below I've tried to construct a graphic like the kind they have in restaurant windows with the mag-cover and a little snippet of the article they're referencing. See, it's my first byline in a major magazine!! By Marie Lyn Bernard! It's like, 4 pages long, 'cause I tend to go on for a bit, but ay! Go buy Marie Claire. Anne Hathaway is on the cover, and she is smokin' hot.

I wish I'd written "Discover your Inner Fembot!" I mean. Wow. Who knew, you know?

Gay Cruise Blog: Part One

7.10.07: I am currently in Key West, the hottest place on the entire planet. I mean that literally, I could fry an egg on my head right now. Three drag queens just dragged [get it? drag queens? DRAGGED?] Haviland into a karaoke bar [circa 4 P.M., mind you] and made her sing "Like a Prayer" because she's FROM BROADWAY: Haviland LOVES karaoke. Almost as much as she loves chocolate ice cream and naked men, and almost as much as I love heat.

The best part of the karaoke experience, as described by Heather immediately as "the best moment of [her] life so far," was this woman who asked me all these random questions about myself and then told me I was in "Charlotte's seat," and I needed to move [I was videotaping Hav's performance, so this effed up my continuity]. Who is Charlotte, you may be wondering? Charlotte is a dog. That being said, it was a very talented and obedient dog. It hopped right up onto that barstool. I wish I had a girlfriend like that. Just kidding. Girlfriends are for suckers with feelings. I'm Miss Independent, like Kelly Clarkson.

My photographic record of the gay-cruise so far's admittedly a bit spotty: the first evening, for example, is on Jenn's camera. I don't have those photos. Also, my camera is bunk so I don't take pics that often, and Layla's been taking so many good photos that I haven't bothered? So what I've got below is totes randomized photography, via the cameras of myself, Lainy and Heather.

[Once upon a time, we had slide shows: the presenter inevitably finds his/her travels captivating (each and every time, really) while everyone else's like, please pass the Cheese Nips and a shotgun, thanks. Now, we have the blog-vaycay-recap. Is this an evolutionary advancement? You decide.]

---

Pre-Day One. (Like preschool, but for days of the week instead of education.)
0. Live it Out.

Carly and Riese complete Live it Out, the best gay teleplay ever written. Have I mentioned that already? I have. Just sayin'.

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7-7-07: Saturday

1. Riese Obvs Forgot to Bring the Tickets.

Though I miraculously arrived at the Pier circa my intended arrival time, I arrived sans ticket. This was a pretty cool situation, especially since my ticket is also my friend and traveling companion Lainy's ticket. We weren't on the ship's register either (clerical error, also cool).

Lainy: Seriously? You seriously forgot the tickets?
Me: I'm thirsty. Ooo! There's a Coca-Cola Classic in that vending machine calling my name.
Lainy: [on the phone with Haviland] Haviland wants to talk to you.
Me: No, I can't talk to her. I already know what she's going to say and I can't hear it right now. ["Really Riese, really?"]

I literally had to boot up Sparky McMacBook and hunt down an old blog entry comment in the archives where Lainy'd cited our room number. About an hour later they found our reservation.

On our boarding picture, which I could probably scan onto this computer for $5.00/minute and a $10.00 service charge, Lainy's all like: 'Go Gay People!" and I'm in my Aviator Sunglasses talking to Haviland on the mobile. Go Gay People.

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2. If I Cannot Figure Out How to Put on a Lifejacket, I Deserve to Drown.

This is Jenn's photo of Nick, displaying how he feels about the lifejacket drill.
I am so glad we did not go.

Cruise Employee: Where is your room?
Us: Eighth floor.
CE: You must go to your deck captain for the life jacket drill.
Me: Oh, actually, we're meeting our friends on the pool deck right now.
CE: It is very important.
Lainy: Yeah, but we have to meet our friends right now--
Me: On Deck 12.
CE: It is required and important.
Me: We did it last year. I remember everything.
CE: Are you sure?
Me: We can just sink, it's okay.
Lainy: We did it last year.
CE: Well--

(we dash)

(Sidenote: Lainy was not on the cruise last year.)
(Sidenote 2: Heather and Hav were not on the pool deck actually. They were doing the life jacket drill, for some reason.)

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3. Drinking on Holiday, Starring Riese and Heather.

Around five in the afternoon (I think), Janet (an actress-friend of Haviland's) purchased me something large and mostly vodka. Somewhere between then and the next three hours, Heather and I did a shot or more, which for some sadistic reason beyond our control, were served to us in plastic cups and probs were more like 10 shots. We stole a picture of Ariel to color in and some chocolates and a shuffle-puck and some crayons.

I think I took this picture of H & H.

In Heather and Haviland's room, the sunset was more or less perfect, the water like in a commercial where a woman steps out of a waterfall and gushes about her body lotion, and while Haviland rehearsed for the night show, Heather and I made a video we found totally hilarious. What was in this video? Um, me talking, and Heather talking. Kinda like this blog, except with moving pictures. I'll post it later, when I have access to things like cords and the internet. I'm sure you are on the edge of your seat.

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4. Broadway Belters.

Rosie said "Don't put this on YouTube," a lot. There was talk of Hassleback. Andrea McArdle looks good in white pants. Haviland sang "Mama Who Bore Me," it was awesome, and Rosie said: "That girl is 100% gay. These are the new lesbians, you guys. They're totally hot, and they walk around holding hands."

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5. Everyone Goes Dancing, but only Riese, Jenn and Nick Stay Out 'Til Five A.M.

In 1992, I purchased my first cassette single, Rick Astley's "Togteher Forever." I love Rick Astley more than anyone else on this boat could possibly love Rick Astley, except Rick Astley's mother or girlfriend. Yet even I was not interested in hearing "Together Forever" remixed 300 times. Jenn and her breasts asked the D.J. for "Irreplacable." Apparetly, it is really hard for the D.J. to ever play that song and all I've gotta say Re: that is where is D.J. Carlytron?

The deck of the ship was wet from the rain that'd been at us all evening, and I said there's no way we're making it across here unscathed, to the Blue Lagoon where we'd eat/drink and of course Jenn totally fell on her ass. It was really funny.

There are some great photos of this night. I don't have them. But I do have this photo, of Jenn and I getting our first of 5,000 new magnetic strip cards at the front desk, because they stop working all the time. Just ours.

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7.8.07

6. 24 Hours Later: Still Not Playing "Irreplaceable."

This time, we sent Esera to the D.J. He almost won the Super Bowl, wrote a book, can sing like whoa, and is super hot (and super gay). Haviland was like "AW, this's your song right now!" to Esera and I 'cause we're both all post-breakup-ish. Clearly they told him they would play "Irreplaceable." However, by the time we left to go play shuffleboard, no "Irreplaceable" had been played. In the photo strip to your left, you can view myself, Haviland (gay), Heather (gay), Layla (gay), Esera (gay) and Craig (gay), dancing with other gays.

This is what the cool kids wear. Motion sickness bracelets and black nail polish.

This is what the cool kids do. I like this photo. Haviland took it. She's so multi talented.


I stole Craig's hat. I wish I still had it, I'd wear it right now.

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7. Anyone Wanna Play "War"?

I don't get gambling. If I'm gonna give my money away, I'd like something in return, like vodka or a pony or to feed a starving child or something, you know? Howevs, most people enjoy playing games with money and then losing their money.

The casino screamed at us via lights and unbearable noise. Let's go gambling, do you know how? No.

Howevs: the casino had a lot of cheese cubes and crackers, which was good because I keep forgetting mealtimes.

Blackjack Dealer: You don't play blackjack?
Me: The only card game I know is "Go Fish."

Me: "Lainy, this machine is like a bad relationship: you put more and more in, waiting for that coin on the precipice to drop, 'cause it's so close, but you're convinced--one more coin--it'll drop, it's so close, put in more and more .. that coin wants to fall and explode with "winning" ... you're totally convinced that the coin is like, one minute away from dropping ... just a little more ..."
Lainy: "Yeah we'll never win this."
Me: "Seriously though look how close they are to falling!"
Lainy: [re the people next to us] "Look, their coins are a second from falling too, and they've not fallen." [to the people next to us] "Have you ever seen anyone win this game?"

...

"Not yet," they say, intently hurling more quarters into the slot.

We totes cashed out with $3.25 after breaking even on the slots and profiting slightly on the blackjack game that the dealer kinda helped Lainy win.

The girl who took our picture didn't like the one up there, so she made us do it again.

---

7-9-07

8. How Did I Get Here?

We don't have a statue like that in our room.

In the man-in-the-mirror 13th floor O'Donnell vista: about 15 of us (including obvs me, Haviland, Heather, and Layla), a first look of a new film about Rosie. She showed it to us for our feedback. I was literally riveted. I laughed, I cried, I didn't want it to slow down or speed up or ever end. I think it'll have a big impact when it's released this September. Also having a big impact: vodka-tonics mixed by myself for Heather and I. A tad strong. I want to talk about the movie, and how awesome it was to participate in a conversation about said movie with Sharon Gless (Debbie Navatni holla!) and Meg Tilly, but I don't think I'm allowed to. (OMG!!!) (They are amazing women and actresses and I respect/admire their work/opinions, etc.) Anyhow you can see us looking like total weirdos in Rosie's latest video blog (which she made with Ross the Intern, of Ross-Blog ) for about ten seconds. You can hear us whoop-whoop. Ross talks about the film a bit on his blog. He's the sweetest thing ever.

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9. Are you Happy? Then It Could Possibly be Happy Hour.

Heather: [to Haviland] "Wanna know what we did wrong? We took you at your word when you said the bar was that way. We ended up with like, three minutes before happy hour—"
Me: "Dashing across the pool deck, like we are getting our two drinks for the price of one—yeah we are!--"
Heather: "It was like the Amazing Race down there,"
Me: "We were weaving in and out of deck chairs, leaping over newborn babies ...

---

OK, that's all for now. More later. The events on this blog and relative words alloted to each event are not reflective of the actual importance of the events themselves. For example: Item 8. Susan Powter. Everything that's happened since Happy Hour yesterday, which ended at like, 6 or something. But I've gotta save some things for later.

Recap: Naked on the Internet Panel

Just talked to T-Mobile: the thief downloaded games onto my phone. Apparently this's a gift in disguise as the games'll be mine when I retrieve my "SIM card" or whatevs? I hope it's Trivial Pursuit or "a game called reading great works of literature." Games on phones? Seriously? How bored is this guy? I mean, doesn't he have other stuff to steal?


[L to R: Waking Vixen/Audacia Ray, Marie Lyn Bernard/Muppet Monkey Face, Lux Nightmare, Madeline in the Mirror, Ellen Fredrichs.]

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i. The Red Carpet, 5:45 P.M.:

TB: Do you get nervous about public speaking?
Me: No. That's the problem. I don't get nervous enough. I just say whatever comes into my head, like whatever crazy shit I think'd be funny or cool, I've been told I have weird public speaking tics ... hand gestures, etc ... And that I play with my hair a lot. I'm generally impossible to watch, is what I think.

[Things I didn't do that I was scared I might do: mention anyone specifically, talk about my personal sex life, be totally snarky/annoying, talk too much, employ off-color humor, drink beforehand, play with my hair a lot, laugh inappropriately, talk about crazy exes/crazy self.]

[Something else I didn't do: mention the name of my blog or anything else that woulda given me self-promotional benefits. Whoops. That's okay. I did it for fun! Actually, it was fun. I love talking about this kind of stuff. Seriously. Besides! FIVE present peoples already link to me: Waking Vixen, Jayme Waxman, RKB, my girlfriend and Steph, so I auto-won like, 5% of the room already!]

[I didn't do anything annoying, my friends said I was clever and funny and said good things/made good points, and ... and ... I actually agree with them ... I think.]

[Is this what it's like to go to class having done the reading? I mean, I read the book! I read the whole thing!]

I wore a cute outfit. My lucky cowboy boots, lucky black dress, etc.

---

"My most solitary endeavor--blogging--was responsible for bringing me to the darkest places in my Internet travails, because it brought me deeper into my own head. Ironically, it also brought me the most comfort and community with other women. Perhaps this is because many women come to blogging--especially sex and relationship blogging--with a sense of restlessness, aloneness, and the general frustration of being misunderstood--plus a serious compulsion to write."
-Audacia Ray, Naked on the Internet

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ii. my first

6:45 P.M.:

We take the W train to Union Square, because we're retarded. Waking Vixen'd asked me to arrive @MoSex by 6:30. Obvs it was 6:45. This was karmic timing, 'cause we ultimately emerged via R-train at 28th street, just as Stephanie was walking by, en route to the reading.

[Summer 2004: "When people ask how I met you [Stephanie], I tell them we met in Union Square. Because we did. I just leave out the part beforehand--you know. The craigslist part." Old-School Auto-Win fans may remember Stephanie from September /October /November. In her East Village apartment that '04 summer, though, before I knew anyone--before I knew myself: a futon, Thai take-out, whirring air conditioner, space thick with smoke, Radiohead. I thought, there's people out there like me who are also afraid of people, afraid to leave their cave, but also beautiful and interesting and cool and fun. We had a few incarnations in each other's lives, and I was super-happy when she told me she'd be coming, as I haven't seen her since December.]

stephanie. met on internet, july '04.

Stephanie: What're you gonna talk about?
Me: No clue.

---

This's me making Waking Vixen laugh.
She's like "Ha! I'm so glad I invited this totes weirdo to my panel!"
Probs everyone was laughing, that's how funny I am.
JK. Probs the panel and my friends were laughing.

---

iii. Represent.

My posse of young 'uns on the far left of the room are the coolest kids in school. First off ...

7 p.m.: Panel begins.

7:05 p.m.: TB arrives, after enjoying a cigarette outside.

tb, met on internet, february '07.


7:15 p.m.: Krista arrives, looking earnest/clutching sleeves.

krista. met at interlochen arts academy, september 1997.
krista is my sister. not by blood or anything. but she is.

7:20 p.m.: Lainy, Tara, Vicky and Tara's 18-year-old male cousin arrive.
Tara's wearing a denim mini and a tank top reading "Dirty Kitty." Lainy's donned hot pink, obvs.
Later during panel, I will say: "I write about my friends on my blog," they will laugh, I will point: "I write about all those kids on my blog."

tara. met on internet, march '05.


lainy. met via tara, summer '05.

Later, Re: Who's on these internet dating sites?, I'll reflect that it's the same ten people on every site, the same people you already know. [Though I haven't been on 'em in about two years, so I'm sure the climate's changed since then.] I'll be referring specifically to the fact that, while interning at nerve, I'd do frequent searches and Lainy always came up as my number one "match." I was like: NERVE! I already know Lainy, duh, I'm talking to her on AIM right now!

7:30 p.m.: Matty arrives.

matty. met at CAKE party, summer '05.
lived across the street from me and krista.
krista informed me immediately: NOW HE'S MARRIED. WHAT?!!!

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iv. The Fringes

Re: Advantages to online dating.

Me: "You don't have to leave your apartment, is the main thing."

*

1998, The New Yorker.
from "On the Fringes of the Physical World," by Meghan Daum:

"All the tangible stuff--the trees outside, my friends, the weather--fell away. I could physically feel my brain. My body did not exist. I had no skin, no hair, no bones; all desire had converted itself into a cerebral current that reached nothing but my frontal lobe. Lust was something not felt but thought. My brain was devouring all of my other organs and gaining speed with each swallow. There was no outdoors, the sky and wind were irrelevant. There was only the computer screen and the phone, my chair, and maybe a glass of water."

*

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v. Naked on Waking Vixen's Arm

Circa 8 P.M., I notice AR's tat. Her tattoo is not kidding around. I've tracked down a photo for you, from her blog:

Speaking of tattoos, from a convo a month or so ago:

"You're so precious, you're like the cutest girl in the world, and I'm so dark ... like Satan over here ... like ... RAWR. I'm such more of a robot than you. Look at your stuff..all your little stuff...your little iBook and your pink iPod, you're like, I'm gonna get a tattoo of a chai on my thigh, and I'm like. I wanna get tattoos on my wrists like the CRUCIFIXION, you know?"
-TB

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vi. Lusting for the Lusty Lady

For a while, I was considering a regular Auto-Win feature called "My Secret Obsessions." Then I realized this'd be a short feature, as my only secret obsession is Rachel Kramer Bussel. I read at her In the Flesh reading series last year, and she wrote really nice things about me. But I'm obsessed with her because I think she's the most productive person on earth. Does she know of some secret Time-Management Super-Powers?

Me: Do you think RKB will be there?
TB: Obviously. Totally.

Why am I obsessed with RKB? And why didn't she say hi to me--though I also didn't say hi to her? Is it because like me, she's also kind of shy in this weird selective way? Is it because I seem hostile or annoying or obsessed?

I could think about this all day. Instead, I blog, because that's what bloggers do, when not having cybersex on the internet. JK, I never have cybersex.

Which's why I mainly spoke on topics like blogging/life, relationships, internet dating, etc., and hushed up during discussions of porn/sex work/etc. OK: actually, I said stuff on those topics too, because I'm a big fan of inserting my uneducated P.O.V on everything.

Anyhow back to RKB.

It's my secret desire to sit inside her brain and watch the neurons fire. Instead, I read all of her blog entries, though not the cupcake blog, because I don't like lusting for things I can't have. [There're no nearby cupcake factories, I think.] RKB goes to everything and reads every book ever and blogs everything. She's like a one-woman Fleshbot.

AND she blogs about her relationships and her feelings--which's a topic we discussed at the panel, actually--how to handle getting personal on one's blog, what to show and what to reveal, how to handle this with your partners and friends--It's a compelling and persistent issue, and the choice to do so [to choose to blog about one's "personal life"] is increasingly rare--

Personally [ha! get it? Personally?!] I think there's been a mass blogger exodus over the past year or so, as blogs' ubiquity has increased, away from discussing the intimate/personal. It's frowned upon, often, as "dirty laundry," etc. There's arguments to be made on both sides. I said: "I do it sometimes but generally try to avoid it, try balance, I used to be more personal than I am now that my audience's bigger. Sometimes I wish I could block my ten closest friends but let 4,000 strangers read it. You know? Also, when I do blog about personal things, it's usually because I'm hoping to you know--touch on larger issues, or something someone else might relate to, you know--[Miss America voice]--help people."

Waking Vixen shouted out my Sunday Top Tens. My friends laughed. That was awesome.

So, RKB!

She posts at least six blogs a day, hosts reading series, interviews people for mediabistro/gothamist/everyone and publishes like, 100 articles a week for HuffPo/Village Voice/NY Post/everyone, edits or appears in 10,000 erotica anthologies, and often blogs about how she's really just a nerd who's sometimes lonely and up w/insomnia Amazon-searching new books to read. How's that possible? She's the busiest person on earth! She's making cupcakes! She's getting spanked! She's having relationships! She's RKB!

I considered devising a mathematical formula to determine exactly how she does what she does, but then I thought: Riese, this's why you don't get anything done, weirdo.

Excerpts from E-Mail exchange, August 2006:

To: RKB
From: Me

... I know this sounds like an odd question, but how do you manage your time so well? When I read your blog, it seems like the amount of creative output and the amount of reading of other people's creative output that you do is really impressive! How does she do it, one might ask? And so I am. Share your wisdom, as I'm attempting to craft a similar rate of productivity myself.

To: Me
From: RKB

... briefly, um, I don't know how I get so much done but in large part I use one thing to procrastinate on another. Really. And do a lot at my day job, and, just, am crazy really.

When I received that email, I was mostly stunned that she also has a DAY JOB?!! She must never sleep! I'm crazy too, but I feel like I haven't done anything.

Side note about a book I did finish reading, which's a miracle these days: Naked on the Internet, the book.

I suspect I was in the minority of people present who'd actually read the whole thing cover-to-cover. Read, losers. Buy it!

RKB arrived at 7:30. I know this because TB wrote it down immediately, and we gave each other a look. A "RKB is here, obvs," look.

---

vii. From "The Comments" to my Sunday Top Ten

TB dropped her Blackberry on the floor within about 15 minutes of the panel's commencement. I wanted to pee in my pants, but instead I was like; Whats up, that's my girlfriend reading Gawker on her Blackberry. She was like "Sorry, got it," and held it up to reassure everyone she could return to whatever she was doing, let's all move on as planned.

So first Waking Vixen read from her book, then we discuss topics, then people from the audience asked questions.

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viii. Some things I remember

Q: What motivates women to get involved in pornography?
A: "Money."

[Lux Nightmare had a much longer and more complicated answer that did not involve money. She actually has information and experience from which to speak. I've got none. Also, a lot of alt-porn stars don't get paid! I learned that in Naked on the Internet.]

Q: Do y'all feel weird about the world knowing your business?
A: I mostly just feel weird about my grandparents.

Q: How do you blog about sex and still retain dignity and a sense of self?
A: I only blog about 90210. Dignity what?

Q: Are there any websites like ManHunt for women?
A: Dude, if you're a woman that wants to have sex like, right now? You could have sex with anyone in the whole world that you wanted to. You could post an ad on craigslist and get like, 150 responses. LIFE IS MANHUNT FOR WOMEN.

Q: Are there axe murderers on the internet?
A: "Yes." JK! Just me. Actually I feel that axes are very old school. I prefer lasers like from Star Wars.

Lux: Some of the Suicide Girls were allegedly only paid in underwear.
Me: It was really cute underwear.

[note: I'm not a Suicide Girl. But I did write a story for an erotica anthology they were putting together once upon a time that never came to fruition. That's fine. Like I said, my favorite thing on earth is to write things for free. In fact, that's how I make a living, and slowly deteriorate into insanity. Not the productive kind of insanity, like RKB's, but the other kind. Whatever the other kind is.]

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*

Krista: So Matty's MARRIED.
Me: You're married?
Matty: Yup.
Me: Wow! Congratulations.
Matty: [monotone, unenthused.] Thanks.
Me: When'd you get married?
Matty: Tuesday.
Me: Wow! How's married life so far?
Matty: Sucks.
Me: Oh! Okay. Um.
Matty: Yeah.
Me: Already?
Matty: Yup.
Me: OK! Um.

*

"I love how those guys had to qualify their questions with I heard you on The Brian Lehrer Show today like I heard about this on legitimate media I was listening to NPR, this isn't normally my thing."

-Krista

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Afterwards, we dined at Dragonfly. It was fabulous to see everyone, especially now that I think I'm getting sick. My throat, nose and body hurts real bad. I'm drinking tea. I think I need some apples or something. Someone sign me up for the Fruit of the Month club, thanks.

I've got a postcard super-glued to my desk of William Burroughs trying to stab Jack Kerouac with a dagger.