Thursday, August 14, 2008

i'm a VLOG Crash, but i have to get up, and every morning it's a clean-up

Y'all, I'm still waiting for my copies of LYING to come in the mail, so all apologies to anyone waiting on auto-gear or contest updates. In the meantime, I'd suggest deerskin, k-mart, and modge podge. Guess what? I made a vlog. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a "three." We answer two "advice column" questions, though they were more like the kinds of questions you'd ask your girlfriends while enjoying a game of Girl Talk. Still every child deserves his or her day in the sunshine -- or behind the veil of a color filter I can't seem to get rid of.

So! I should be a salesman! Here it is -- Hav & Riese Vlog 467. I mean, 29.

Also: send your questions to We've already gone through all the questions except two, and we can't answer those two until we get two more, which means someone's sitting at home with a girlfriend who's got a massive crush on Susan Powter not knowing what the eff to do with herself. You can make stuff up, we won't know, unless you're one of the 3-4 people we speak to regularly. We just want to tell you what to do! That's all we ever want to do! Help people! The meat of this blog -- the words and the video -- would suggest I might need someone to help me. But before the storm, please welcome the pleasing valleys of its meadow for now.


Crystal said...

On a scale of one and ten, I give it a nice one. I like things shot in B&W.

I have a question about the vlog but I don't know how to articulate what I saw. It was red and it waved. I'll get back to you.

Vashti said...

Hmmm. I have this strange feeling that I've seen parts of this footage before. What are you trying to pull here?!

On a more serious note, it was not as bad as you made it out to be. It was entertaining. I think someone's being a little too hard on herself.

Mercury said...

I liked it.

Maybe I'll send in a problem. Maybe it'll even be real.

Razia said...

Tick tock. Tick tock.

I liked this one. Thought: what is the difference between a long distance relationship and lying to yourself? Hm.

caitlin said...

stop selling yourself short weirdo. i liked this for reals. also haviland sounded just like ms spears in that one voiceover spot. also i have no memory of saying she was drunk from the sunlight, which scares me a little, but i think we were all a little high on life at that moment anyway. i am rambling for sure. good job grasshopper.

D-Lo said...

Susan Powter likes saying vagina. If she gets on Inside the Actors Studio, that's going to be her favorite word.

And Haviland and I will never work, because my two favorite things in this world are drinking heavily and touching people's faces.

erin said...

I miss Susan Powter and her crazy talk. I def liked the b&w shots and loved the narration. Maybe I'll send you some questions seeing as I seem to always have life-problems. Okay! See you soon!

a;ex said...

The clips you usually throw in at the end of the vlogs are like little happy endings - this one being one of faves by far.

riese said...

Crystal: Excellent usage of the scale of 1 to 10, I commend you. "it was red and it waved" -- I'm guessing it was me in a dress?

Vashti: Oh if I'd used footage you'd seen before it'd probs be way more entertaining, I love working with the b-roll. Although I've been known to use an old clip here and there to make a point ....

I am hard on myself. Mostly, I'm hard on myself for fucking around with color filters to the point of no return and not knowing how to get back to where I started from? Oh yes! Black and white!

Mercury: OOO I can't wait, I'm excitant! Although historically the advice I give you has a 50% success rate (e.g., "Stay in Interlochen!"), this could be our golden moment.

Razia: The difference between a long distance relationship and lying to yourself is that in the long distance relationship, both people wish they could be in the same location and they call each other equally. In lying to yourself, one of both of the people is living a life as though they weren't in any kind of relationship and would probs die if their significant other was geographically local. Also in a relationship the people miss each other equally.

Would be my advice.

caitlin: I don't know how to sell myself short. Just wait, before long you'll be subjected to multiple first cuts to help me feel better about myself. I don't remember saying most of the things I see myself saying, its' a good thing we record everything. love you!

D-Lo: Yeah she does! I'd love to see her on Inside the Actor's Studio. She'd be like; "what's your least favorite word?" "MAN."

erin: I miss Susan Powter's crazy talk too. I'm glad you liked the b&w shots, I was a little worried I might look like a kid who'd gone crazy with photoshop. Okay! See you sooooon!!!

a;ex: And then the hospital security guard said, 'I'm sure you would sir, but not here.' bedang - bow!

eric mathew said...

i mean what can i say? you are learning final cut better than me.... i had an incident with it last night... and i was angry.

those pics were madames were intense... she kind of made her wax museum sound like a brothel.. ya know? or she sounds like a cut Les Miz character... Cosette, Eponine and Madame Tussauds... nah scratch the last one.

crap I had a major thing to say and now I forget. OH!

at lunch in like senior year we would read those 17 columns because they were so good. How I miss the days of Atoosa. She was seriously the best because she would be like...

Hey Chicas!
Atoosa here. Listen, the other day I found a HIDEOUS picture of my from 8th grade. I remember because my crush was standing RIGHT BEHIND ME! AH! Needless to say we didn't date, but what does this teach you ladies? Never give up on the good times, never give up, no never give up! Catch ya later.


basia said...

when i was 14 i spent a summer in poland, where i became obsessed with this european teen magazine called Bravo. they had a regular section titled "my first time" where girls wrote in about losing their virginity in various ways, which usually involved strangers in parks. there was also an advice column that was invariably full of questions about sex. i remember one of my favourite letters was from a 17 year old who had never had an orgasm and couldn't get off no matter how hard her boyfriend tried to make her come. the advice she was given: you are too young to have an orgasm, try again in a few years... i feel like they should have told her to try girls.

emily kate said...

Riese! You could TOTALLY sell yourself short! You're a salesperson, remember?

I kinda liked the color filter, myself...

Mary Kate said...

Definitely liked the vlog.

About the no face touching--my family/most of CT had an unspoken "no touching/hugging" rule growing up. (sounds sadder than it was) I got to college and my Midwestern roommates had to have an intervention because I gave such awkward hugs. They followed it up by feeing me lots of casserole. I've improved, but I can only give good hugs when I hear/see their cues, like pavlov's dogs.

Daveycakes said...

You have to explain Twitter to me. You just post feelings all day? Is it like the next step after the AIM away message? Can I leave annoying comments about menages there?

autumn m said...

so i had no idea it was a color filter, until someone said it was. i just thought it was some funky light. mmmm.... i love the end!!! I would kill for my mother... HA!

riese said...

ooo i'll respond one-by-one in a little bit but real quick to autumn m: it was super-funky light, but i tried to fix it with various color filters ... so a little bit of both.

Karen said...

Hello! I read your blog from time to time, and with this addition of the vlog I thought I would pass this along. I was trying to find some work by a feminist performance artist on youtube, and came across this movie that is so hilarious, bad, irrational, and misogynist and uninformed that I thought I would pass it along!
So you know, if you're having one of those days where you feel like you're just not happy with life because you're not smart enough--watch this and you'll be calling MENSA in no time!

dewey said...

OK, so mmy laptop is broken and sony have taken it away to be fixed by their monkeys. Good points- they're fixing my laptop. Bad points- i have no laptop for at least a week, i have limited internet access for a week, i have no laptop, i have no internet....!!!!!!

At the moment I am using my brothers but the wireless range must be about 2 metres, making watching this vlog difficult as signal is intermitent.

So yeah basicaly my point, i cant watch the vlog because i have no internet because i have no laptop because sony have taken it away! However Im sure its goods and give it thumbs up anyways!

p.s i have lost signal three times whilst trying to post this comment!

riese said...

eric mathew: Oh me and FInal Cut had lots of incidents last night, like the one where it crashed three times in a row when I tried to get Tink's photo of her and Obama onto the video screen. I love your love of all things that I previously thought were bad, like Atoosa Rubenstien. Didja know she was trying to immitate Sassy's trademark style with her conversational asides? That's just a little something I picked up when reading "How Sassy Saved my Life" or whatever it was called.

Basia: I like any story that starts with a young nubile teenage girl in Poland. Okay. I also love the random things we remember. I think it's advice like that which lead many lesbians into heterosexual marraiges; believing that they weren't expected to have orgasms or experience any pleasure at all from sex. But with men it's different 'cause they won't get a boner if they aren't turned on, which's why men have earlier homosexual awakenings by and large and really what this brings us to is the question why aren't I running a teen magazine clearly I have all the answers or at least think I do.

emily kate: Yay! Thank yOuuu!

mary kate: Omg, is it a coincidence that there's an "emily kate" and then a "mary kate"? Haviland is actually a bit of a hugger herself, but she doesn't like anyone to get their grimy hands on her pristinely clean face, which's how she stays so beautiful. I'm totally a hugger, and also Midwestern, so there you go!

daveycakes: athertonbartelby explained it to me, maybe I should just quote him: " ... even though I am addicted to it I really do not want to read most Tweeters' descriptions of their mochiko chicken plate lunches after which they sat at their desks all afternoon picking it out of their teeth, nor, do I suspect, most Tweeters' want to read about me being blind drunk at Lotus Soundbar and probably not remembering getting back home later. Then I came to your section on your notes, and realized that THAT's what I, and the few friends I actually enjoy reading on Twitter, use our Twitters as: a depository for random, concise descriptions of quotations or even experiences that, while contained with 140 characters, may seem oblique to a stranger reader, but provide us with endless fascination / amusement. (Also, the tech / web industry Tweeters are good for information, FYI."

I just like it as a good way to check in with more than one person at a time, without suggesting you're open for conversation like on aim or gchat, or saying something that'll stick at the top of your page for a long time like facebook. Also I guess it's like interesting, just to see what people do. And think. Like all the time.

autumn m: Yes indeedy, as I said, I tried to fix the weird light (in which Haviland looked actually quite lovely, and I looked like a heroin addict) with a color filter and then a black and white filter and before long i couldn't tell right from left and was sick of rendering and rendering and thus, there you have it, voila!

karen: Oh I never feel like I'm not smart enough. In fact I generally feel too smart for everyone I know. But hi! Thanks for reading. I will watch the video and brb. I'll live blog it:

1. Feminism never promised women a life of ease, what the fuck is he talking about?
2. Um, there's also about a bajillion women who've been abused that DON'T report it, and many of them end up dead.
3. "all men are rapists" is not a feminist belief, it's a radical feminist belief that largely went out of fashion
4. Children that grow up without fathers lack confidence? Interesting. I guess that's why I'm so insecure.
5. that sentence isn't even gramatically correct. none of it is. what's all this footage of planes about? i'm so confused.
6. I can't watch this anymore.
7. In conclusion; I hate the internet.
8. Except when i love it.
9. That kid has a bajillion more views than I do. something's not right.

dewey: You know what kid but you TRIED and that's what matters. Anticipation is the purest form of pleasure, so you'll probs like this video even more when you actually get to see it for reals reals.

eric mathew said...

Do you remember Atoosa's show on MTV? Oh jeez... that was so trife... and now she like doesn't even work for 17 she is all like Atoosa-girl power.

I wouldn't say I am a huge Atoos fan now, but still she is a jew (obvs.) and I just feel like we need to support them... well most...

idk I just wanna marry Beyla Karolyi.... he is the best.

Haviland Stillwell said...

I've already told you this, but this is good. You're getting to be a really fantastic editor, right before our very eyes!

mercury, make it real, for real.

razia, good question...perhaps one for riese to write about?

cait, you know all i ever want is to be just like brit, so i thank you from all places in my heart. ;)

d-lo, there are many reasons you and i would never work.

mary kate - is your last name olsen? you want to go for a latte? i have no issue with hugs - i love the hugs, just like riese said, no touching of the face.

emc - atoosa's show on mtv was ridic/funny. now come on and get to work. :)

eric mathew said...

oh Hav. All I can say is I look forward to the months ahead.

jenn said...

1, Great vlog ladies!
2, Got a bit of a shock at the begining as the music hinted at porn?!
3, I second the face touching thing, I HATE IT that much I feel a long distance relationship would work for me???!