Monday, April 10, 2006

Oh ElleGirl, You're Such a Tease! No, really, stop it! Oh, I'm gonna LMAO! OMG now I'm crying. Fuck.

It's hard to be so forward-thinking and mega-trendy that everything I love gets canceled (it all began with a little television program known as My So-Called Life), but I manage to find and adore these sinking ships again and again---lately it's been happening with magazines. I adored Radar, and Radar closed after only three tantalizing issues. But I wasn't expecting a long-term relationship from Radar--it'd broken my heart before, so I'd never allowed myself to relax and get comfortable. I wasn't expecting Radar to be there for me in the morning. I didn't expect commitment from Radar. Radar was a "fun while it lasts" sort of thing. You know, like Rayanne Graff.

But ELLEgirl. Oh, ELLEgirl!! ELLEgirl had the backing of a mama mag that's managed to totally outlast it's own slide into an identity crisis and current irrelevance (Ashlee Simpson? Really?!) and I know high school girls love magazines, because when I was in high school, I would practically orgasm on the school bus in anticipation of my Seventeen waiting earnestly in my mailbox. (This was pre-digital age though, so I couldn't just go home and like, find a prom date on myspace or whatever it is kids do these days, and there was no AIM so I had to like, call my friends from my parents' phone and it wasn't even cordless) But I read it on Gawker: ElleGirl will be abandoning its print magazine after the June/July issue to "increase its investment with the brand's digital format."

Right. Last I checked, this "digital format" isn't exactly going to fit in the plastic book-holder-binder-thingie I put over the stairmaster to read magazines while I "work out" at New York Sports Club. NYSC did install those "sports network entertainment systems" in like, 2001, but the web browser didn't work then and it doesn't work now, not like I could click around while I'm working out so hard anyhow. (In fact, like an overgrown Putt-Putt course with depressed elves and moldy astroturf, the NYSC televisions have actually been degenerating with time--In addition to never reaching their alleged potential as a web browser/shopping screen/digital cable portal/personal trainer/or something, every TV has it's own special problem, be it "no volume" or, perhaps "all the channels below 14 are fuzzy" or "only shows Telemundo." Whatever. That's another complaint for another day.)

For now; let me tell you why ELLEgirl rocked my mag-lovin' world.

1. I've never managed to sit through an entire episode of Gilmore Girls, but every EG cover-girl reminds me of Rory Gilmore. I mean, Emma Roberts? Emma Watson? Amanda Bynes? Who the hell are those girls? Hogwarts! I don't know, but I bet they had a debutante party, and she probably invited Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, and all the other girls who smoke Newports and skip class. It's better than pink lemonade lip smackers! MMMM.

2. Okay, fo' real now: ElleGirl had seriously realistic trendy solid fashion advice. As a 24 year old livin' in the 11211 (which means that my style must reflect the "eternal youth" and "striking fashion foresight" of my hipster peers) I was way into their mildly-expensive (think Free People pants, Abercrombie top, H+M belt, Stuart Weitzman shoes and Cynthia Rowley necklace) and super-fun fashion layouts. The mag contained practical and affordable beauty advice for those of us who want to look like "ballsy chick rockers" or "mod, not punk." (e.g., me.) Some fashion pages, like this month's "Oz Fest" have cute lines like: "Girl knew the Yellow Brick Road was nothing but an endless catwalk." HOLLA!

3. This month--much like a boyfriend who cooks you a three-course meal the night before he moves to Bangladesh--ELLEgirl did three amazing things; They produced a fashion layout on how to "go tough and androgynous," featuring tomboy styles (aka Marie's Killa Sporty Spice Style) AND interviewed Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who was amazing in Mysterious Skin and I crushed on him hard-core in 3rd Rock from the Sun too AND this month's check-in with the four token girls of the "class of 2008" was titled: PIERCINGS AND BIRTH CONTROL. Eat that, North Dakota. Also Kelly, one of the girls, has an ex-boyfriend named "Ever."

4. Their little is-this-Avril-Lavigne's-diary-or-is-it-ELLEgirl cover quotes are nothing short of genuis. Scrawled in Authentic Teen Handwriting over a uni-toned body part of the cover girl, these quotes include gems like this one from Amanda Bynes: "There is nothing less attractive than a guy who is a jerk and has an ego." True dat, Mandy. But how about this, Dear Abby--I mean, Amanda--what if he smells, too? That's worse. Seriously. That's like, the ugly smelly icing on your unattractive cake.

5. It costs $1.99. I dare you to find a Starbucks that'll serve you hot water for less than a $1.99. It reminds me of when I was a kid--you know, ten years before Harry Potter's girlfriend was born--and a lot of things cost $1.99. Back then, ELLEgirl would've been like, $1.00, which is even cheaper.

6. Sometimes, like for example at editorial meetings at, where I interned last fall, I would start a sentence with "I read in ELLEgirl that..." etc etc, and though some knowing souls would raise an eyebrow, I think some people thought I was saying L-Girl, which could be like, a hip lesbian magazine or something.

7. It's association with my former favorite show, America's Next Top Model. However, after Ty-Ty kicked Kim off the show, I would've cited the relationship to ANTM as a strike against ELLEgirl, but then they started running these amazing ads with the whole cast, including my girlfriend Kim.

8. It's like, if Jane and Sassy had a slightly less ironic cousin, she would be ELLEgirl.

9. According to their Kinsey-esque groundbreaking sex survey, 8% of readers are bisexual. You can easily double that (because they're kids, so you know, a lot are still in denial), which makes a lot of little bisexual cuties! Not to mention the 19% who've had a homosexual experience...which is like, right below the 30% who've had sex. So basically, most of the girls who are like, interested in sex at all, are already getting some girl-on-girl action. And you know what that means? Everyone is gay. Yay pride!

10. "Where did you Get That?", which is like "Look Book" High School Style, asks random girls on the street (I'm not sure how they do this, because they're stopping girls in like Texas, and L.A, and everywhere, so they probably have like, nationwide fashion spies, which is pretty intense, you know?) where they go their clothes. Sometimes, the girls go the extra step and define their style (as it is at the age of 15 or whatnot), which I think is really super awesome. here's some examples (you already know mine, see #3): "laid back but fun," "bohemian and chill," "the indie-rock boho look" and "pretty preppy."

All this self assurance!...and now we're getting...fucking ringtones? Weren't special ringtones deemed Officially Annoying in like, 2004? Or whenever the three millionth customer downloaded the Sex and the City theme song for when their "girlfriends" called? Ringtones! Ringtones.

Also, they had kinda good articles. G-d, it's just so cute, and it hurts to see something like that just fade away like dust in the wind, as they would say on the catwalk.

Okay, G-d? Check this out. These are my ten favorite magazines. Please don't cancel any of them.
New York Magazine, Marie Claire, Glamour, Allure, Bitch, Bust, Poets+Writers, Curve, Esquire, Women's Health.


alex vega said...

Thank G-d I woke up this morning with something to read that wasn't infuriating... or posted on the 31st of October, 2007... catch my drift?

Anyway, thanks. :) This is stuff I haven't read cause its from way back. How retro of you.
Way tah bring it back sista, can ah get uh A-men?

riese said...

I am nothing if not retro.


I'm catching all kinds of drifts ... obvs.


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