Anyhow, much like what I imagined your initial reaction would be to the political endorsement I made a few days ago, I feel you might think "I wouldn't necessarily go to Riese for advice on any holiday-related topics." But look how good I did on the Obama thing. I read so much that I even convinced myself. That "ho-hum, la-di-da" I added to the end of my up-'til-then impassioned endorsement was meant to be said in a voice of self-loathing, not in an actual "la-di-da" voice. P.S.
However! Now that I understand how primaries work, I feel like less of an asshat for not registering to vote in the New York primaries -- I always (always=the last two elections for which I've been old enough to vote) vote absentee in Michigan, 'cause it's a swing state, and I can't do primaries here and the general election there, and apparently Michigan had no primaries this year, or something, which makes me feel slightly less guilty than I did on Monday when I realized I'd fallen full-tilt in love with Obama and could do nothing about it besides spout off opinions, as I so often do with political causes of all shapes, sizes, colors and genders.
So ... for those of you who aren't old enough to be irresponsible citizens yet, I speak to you from a place of experience and knowledge: being an irresponsible citizen feels like crap. Don't make the same mistakes I did. I rarely say that, so I must be serious. Usually I endorse my own mistakes, obvs, I'd like you to probs participate in them with me ideally. Register.
So speaking of ... I was speaking of something, right? OMG it's almost Valentine's Day! What are you going to get for your beloved? I'm getting Lozo socks and a tie and a super bowl. I have this theory (cue Juliana Hatfield, Jordan Catalano-style) that the less I feel I know what's going on in my own life (in general, this is totally un V-Day-related), the more I feel comfortable telling other people what to do with theirs. Thus this three-peat streak of blog entries in which I tell y'all what to do.
Obvs the best thing to do for any holiday is to show your special someone that you pay attention to them when they talk and that you care about their likes and dislikes. For example, back in the 90's, we used to make mix tapes. You can't do that anymore, because now they've become iconic as a hipster-memento, over-nostalgia-ized/fetishized and can no longer be given without irony. Also no one has tape players anymore. Well, I do. But I don't know about you kids who were born on the internet, you've got all kinds of things going on, a lot of feelings.
You can make a mix CD though, that's still cool. It helps also to name the tracks on the CD so they don't get lost in Track-13-Ville down at the bottom of your itunes post-import. Also really, you should just make collages with poems on them for everyone you love, everyone! Collages, poems and CDs for everyone, I say! Everyone you love!
So if your girlfriend (or boyfriend, if he's feminine enough to enjoy this list) reads Auto-Win (which's statistically unlikely, as I seem to regularly hear from readers who say their girlfriend doesn't read my blog but they do), they'd probs like a gift that would reflect their deep love for this particular corner of the WWW, which's why I feel I can give you advice.
So, moreso than any explicit erotica, I think there's a lot of contemporary authors who do a good sex scene. They do more than just that, obvs, but when sex comes up, they do it right. Some examples include Maggie Estep's Soft Maniacs or anything by Mary Gaitskill -- if you liked "The Secretary," you oughta know it was based on a short story from Bad Behavior. Also, there's always poetry. You should write a poem, or you can go to poets.org, find a poem, and then copy it and say you wrote it. If you do like straight-up erotica though and you're a homo, bi OR hetero lady, you should check out Cleis, they sell good stuff. Also my hero RKB has edited about 500 erotica anthologies, and Susie Bright is basically the godmother of the whole thing, and therefore, her a-store is a good place to go.
Anyhow, why should you buy Auto-Apparel right now? Here's why:
a). MUSIC: Because you'll get a new CD. If you don't like songs about good relationships, then email me after placing your order and I can send you a copy of "the fuck you breakup playlist,'" which I made in 2003. Actually, no, I wouldn't do that to you, a girl can only handle so much Fiona Apple. I'd make an updated version, with all new songs on it, but the same title.
b) TZEDAKAH: As you may or may not know, the logo that the ridiculously talented Alex 'Semicolon' Vega used for the Auto-Win/Straddle logo comes from a photograph by Layla Love. In fact, most of the photos I do come from Layla. Right now she's trying to raise money for the treatment of her mother's MS (multiple sclerosis) through the Jenny Love Angel Fund she's created (you can read more about the fund and her fundraising efforts on her blog, here). Anyhow, if you buy auto-gear now, 50% of the proceeds will go to her fund ... and that's the kind of holiday spirit I actually do believe in, regardless of my other Grinch-esque qualities.
c) SEX: Auto-straddle boy briefs are very sexy. They say 'straddle' on the back. You know what I like about other languages, e.g., Spanish & Hebrew (the only languges aside from English I've ever known)? Commands. We don't have "commands" as a tense of verbs like other languages do. If we did, we might have a straddle command.
d) TIMING: Okey-dokey so if you order by Monday or Tuesday, you'll get it before Valentine's Day, unless you live in Europe or Australia, in which case, there's still a chance. Also I don't think you have Valentine's Day over there in Guatemala, do you? I don't know.
The beautiful song that got me through so many months that would've otherwise been spent in raincloud-esque heartache ... ella ... ella ... ella ....
UMBRELLA. Rhianna. Is peddling UMBRELLAS. Guess where? TOTES. This could quickly become a "who's on first" situation, so let me be perfectly clear: TOTES the company is selling UMBRELLAS by Rhianna who sang the song that I love UMBRELLA. I don't actually think you should buy one -- although they aren't that expensive, probs no better or worse than a normal umbrella (which let's be honest, I'm sure you left someplace the last time it rained) -- I just wanted to tell you about it, because I think it's funny. Because ... well ... I love you! Not like that, but you know what I mean.