Thursday, February 07, 2008

And Her Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day

As you may or may not know, I'm not into holidays, as they almost always require seeing other humans or being in crowded spaces with other humans. Until recently, most holidays required me serving food to massive amounts of other humans for measly holiday tips (everyone eats out on holidays, not just typical eater-outers (do with that what you will), so the tips are generally lower than usual). I think I made a joke that "celebrating every National Holiday to its fullest" is my New Year's Resolution, but I've changed that resolution to "eat more ice cream," and I just did, so that's that. Also, when I said that, I wasn't referring to things like the 4th of July or Halloween, but rather to obscure less-celebrated holidays, like Arbor Day. Because who doesn't like trees? That's right, no-one. Everyone likes trees, 'cause of shade, and paper.

Anyhow, much like what I imagined your initial reaction would be to the political endorsement I made a few days ago, I feel you might think "I wouldn't necessarily go to Riese for advice on any holiday-related topics." But look how good I did on the Obama thing. I read so much that I even convinced myself. That "ho-hum, la-di-da" I added to the end of my up-'til-then impassioned endorsement was meant to be said in a voice of self-loathing, not in an actual "la-di-da" voice. P.S.

However! Now that I understand how primaries work, I feel like less of an asshat for not registering to vote in the New York primaries -- I always (always=the last two elections for which I've been old enough to vote) vote absentee in Michigan, 'cause it's a swing state, and I can't do primaries here and the general election there, and apparently Michigan had no primaries this year, or something, which makes me feel slightly less guilty than I did on Monday when I realized I'd fallen full-tilt in love with Obama and could do nothing about it besides spout off opinions, as I so often do with political causes of all shapes, sizes, colors and genders.

So ... for those of you who aren't old enough to be irresponsible citizens yet, I speak to you from a place of experience and knowledge: being an irresponsible citizen feels like crap. Don't make the same mistakes I did. I rarely say that, so I must be serious. Usually I endorse my own mistakes, obvs, I'd like you to probs participate in them with me ideally. Register.

So speaking of ... I was speaking of something, right? OMG it's almost Valentine's Day! What are you going to get for your beloved? I'm getting Lozo socks and a tie and a super bowl. I have this theory (cue Juliana Hatfield, Jordan Catalano-style) that the less I feel I know what's going on in my own life (in general, this is totally un V-Day-related), the more I feel comfortable telling other people what to do with theirs. Thus this three-peat streak of blog entries in which I tell y'all what to do.

Obvs the best thing to do for any holiday is to show your special someone that you pay attention to them when they talk and that you care about their likes and dislikes. For example, back in the 90's, we used to make mix tapes. You can't do that anymore, because now they've become iconic as a hipster-memento, over-nostalgia-ized/fetishized and can no longer be given without irony. Also no one has tape players anymore. Well, I do. But I don't know about you kids who were born on the internet, you've got all kinds of things going on, a lot of feelings.

You can make a mix CD though, that's still cool. It helps also to name the tracks on the CD so they don't get lost in Track-13-Ville down at the bottom of your itunes post-import. Also really, you should just make collages with poems on them for everyone you love, everyone! Collages, poems and CDs for everyone, I say! Everyone you love!

So if your girlfriend (or boyfriend, if he's feminine enough to enjoy this list) reads Auto-Win (which's statistically unlikely, as I seem to regularly hear from readers who say their girlfriend doesn't read my blog but they do), they'd probs like a gift that would reflect their deep love for this particular corner of the WWW, which's why I feel I can give you advice.

Thursday Top Eight What to Get For Your Auto-Win/Auto-Straddle Fan For V-Day

8. Vodka
This is an easy one. Even if your girlfriend doesn't want to engage in penetrative activities with the bottle, she'll probs drink it, and drunk girls are easy. JK. I mean, they are -- but the point is -- if you mix vodka with cranberry juice, you can barely taste it. If you mix vodka with tonic, you're one of us. Also if you need to get her drunk in order to inspire loooovee, you should probs break up.

7. A Nice Smell
Nothing can ruin a friendship or budding romance like someone who smells bad. Has anyone ever complemented you on your smell? If the answer is no, then you probs smell bad. I'd like to suggest Burberry Brit and/or Victoria's Secret Very Sexy. Also Tommy Girl is always a classic, though now I'm too old I think to wear it. As for boys, I like Hugo Boss and Burberry, but that's just me. Obviously I'm no longer a boy expert.

6. Peanut Butter Crackers
This is just for those of you who'd like to seduce Carly. As it was explained in this vlog, the way to Carly's heart is via peanut butter crackers. There's a lot of ins and outs to PB crackers. The hands-down tastiest variety are the cheese-and-pb crackers, which I have in bulk. Howevs, the cheese often gets stuck in your teeth, and it's orange, and that's not hot. The Ritz-and-PB crackers, then, are a close second.

5. The L Word Season One on DVD
Some of you may be lucky enough to be lesbians/bisexuals with straight girlfriends. You know, that straight girl that you hang out with all the time -- maybe she's even your roommate -- and you act like she's your girlfriend 'cause you're in denial that she's straight and she kinda wants you to act like that (around certain company), and she enables your denial by making sweet love to you on occasion and flirting with you in public. If you get her Season One of 'The L Word,' she'll probs relate to Jenny, think lesbians are cool and want to be one ... and you can probably do it a few more times before never speaking to each other again. But now's the time, because February can be very cold/lonely, people do crazy things in February. Also some of you are straight men with straight girlfriends who want your girlfriend to consider the pleasures of a threesome, this is also for you, gents.

4. Books
As we're all aware now, I love books. Perhaps you could get your wife a book. I think Valentine's Day is a hot time for books that are somehow sexy. I'd recommend randomized erotica books I've been in, but this post is about procrastinating my actual work by writing a blog post, it's not about selling things. Why would I want to sell things, I'm not a traveling salesman or anything, like Jenny's assistant Adele's father is allegedly.

So, moreso than any explicit erotica, I think there's a lot of contemporary authors who do a good sex scene. They do more than just that, obvs, but when sex comes up, they do it right. Some examples include Maggie Estep's Soft Maniacs or anything by Mary Gaitskill -- if you liked "The Secretary," you oughta know it was based on a short story from Bad Behavior. Also, there's always poetry. You should write a poem, or you can go to, find a poem, and then copy it and say you wrote it. If you do like straight-up erotica though and you're a homo, bi OR hetero lady, you should check out Cleis, they sell good stuff. Also my hero RKB has edited about 500 erotica anthologies, and Susie Bright is basically the godmother of the whole thing, and therefore, her a-store is a good place to go.

3. Auto-Apparel

Clearly this is what we're coming back around to. We'd really wanted to get the merch out by Christmas, because obvs Auto-Apparel makes a great gift. But we didn't. However, there's been a noticeable increase in orders over the past week and I think it's 'cause of V-Day. So ... since I'm gonna be going to the post office anyhow, why not make it really worth my while --
If you order any auto-apparel or stickers before Valentine's Day, you'll receive a Very Special V-Day Auto-Win CD FREE with your order. You can kinda imagine this is like one of those ads they had on the teevee for loooveee songs, maybe they still sell CDs like that? I dunno, it's probs an imix now. This is sort of like mix tapes, that I talked about earlier. This CD will feature much of the music I talk about here on Auto-Win, with a special emphasis on lurrrveee in all it's many forms.

Anyhow, why should you buy Auto-Apparel right now? Here's why:
a). MUSIC: Because you'll get a new CD. If you don't like songs about good relationships, then email me after placing your order and I can send you a copy of "the fuck you breakup playlist,'" which I made in 2003. Actually, no, I wouldn't do that to you, a girl can only handle so much Fiona Apple. I'd make an updated version, with all new songs on it, but the same title.
b) TZEDAKAH: As you may or may not know, the logo that the ridiculously talented Alex 'Semicolon' Vega used for the Auto-Win/Straddle logo comes from a photograph by Layla Love. In fact, most of the photos I do come from Layla. Right now she's trying to raise money for the treatment of her mother's MS (multiple sclerosis) through the Jenny Love Angel Fund she's created (you can read more about the fund and her fundraising efforts on her blog, here). Anyhow, if you buy auto-gear now, 50% of the proceeds will go to her fund ... and that's the kind of holiday spirit I actually do believe in, regardless of my other Grinch-esque qualities.
c) SEX: Auto-straddle boy briefs are very sexy. They say 'straddle' on the back. You know what I like about other languages, e.g., Spanish & Hebrew (the only languges aside from English I've ever known)? Commands. We don't have "commands" as a tense of verbs like other languages do. If we did, we might have a straddle command.
d) TIMING: Okey-dokey so if you order by Monday or Tuesday, you'll get it before Valentine's Day, unless you live in Europe or Australia, in which case, there's still a chance. Also I don't think you have Valentine's Day over there in Guatemala, do you? I don't know.

1. Ella-Ella-Ella-Ella

Every once in a million years, something really spectacular happens in the world -- stars and galaxies collide, universes burst forth with the fruit of their loins, and children dance in the street in color-coordinated outfits, singing sweet & clever songs towards the clean cloudless sky. OMG speaking of clouds ...

The beautiful song that got me through so many months that would've otherwise been spent in raincloud-esque heartache ... ella ... ella ... ella ....

UMBRELLA. Rhianna. Is peddling UMBRELLAS. Guess where? TOTES. This could quickly become a "who's on first" situation, so let me be perfectly clear: TOTES the company is selling UMBRELLAS by Rhianna who sang the song that I love UMBRELLA. I don't actually think you should buy one -- although they aren't that expensive, probs no better or worse than a normal umbrella (which let's be honest, I'm sure you left someplace the last time it rained) -- I just wanted to tell you about it, because I think it's funny. Because ... well ... I love you! Not like that, but you know what I mean.


shavain said...

First, first comment. yay!

Anonymous said...

Hi Riese, this is the first time that i post here. I am usually shy on this things, but I HAD to tell you that you forgot #2 on the list!!


Crystal said...

You're full of such great advice, Auto-win. You sold me on buying my beloved Auto-straddle merchandise for Valentine's Day. Now I just have 6 days to find a beloved.

I feel like Tuesday Top 8 is missing something.

kate said...

i love that by living in a new country i can receive posted goods more speedily than i could've at home. a positive i'd never considered...

Crystal said...

Tuesday Top 8 is missing Thursday. Obvs.

caitttt said...

omg thanks for the suggestions, #2 is just what i was looking for!! you are amazing!!

also, ummm i would like to take credit for showing you the ways of the umbrella ella ella eh eh.

Irish and Jew said...

Great gift tips! Mmm I need someone to buy me vodka.

But for the record being the only straight girl who hangs out with all lesbians can be TOTALLY HARD! That was me circa 2000 and my friends totally made their lifestyle seem way more appealing then dealing with guido jersey douchebags, but alas I went off to college and befriended hippie dudes who's lifestyle was just as fab as my lezzies... thankfully all before chopping off my hair like Jenny. *Phew* Cause I do have great hair.


chrissy said...

Okay Riese. I get it. I can't be cool until I register to vote and get some Auto-Apparel. These little hints in your posts are going to work eventually. Damn it I need to not be so poor. I can't even afford a TANK TOP.

Katyn said...

after finally buying the tank top i've had my eye on for awhile now, you've now allowed me the perplexing decision between having a "mushy" AutoWin CD that will make me aware of my singledom, or a "fuck you" AutoWin CD that will make me even more aware of my singledom. hmm. decisions.

jenn said...

hay, what happened to #2???

its my birthday and i am sooooo trollied but sure i didnt see it? did i? ow did i? am i that drunk?

great gift ideas honey, think il opt for an actual umbrella tho where i live it pisses down a lot!!

im of now to think of ways to say sorry for my top 10 mistakes while pissed,that let me tell u were bloody good ideas at the time.
oow look at that i have a tattoo..

Lozo said...

god. this blog is so commercial now.

and this post gives new meaning to "dropping a deuce."

eric mathew said...

okay so here's what im thinking. I am thinking we need things that are both political and fun. The joint gift for you and Hav will be Les Miz karaoke. You know for those late nights when you want to dream a dream or hear the people sing. You alone will recieve ...

the mix tape usb stick

and Hav will recieve
The Hillary Nutcracker

All im saying is...this will be a vday to remember.

eric mathew

Ingrid said...

Did you realize that one of the Rhianna umbrellas is named the "Rhianna Satin Stick Auto Open"???
AUTO open! It's destiny!

Oujikun said...

Hahahah ... My friend and I were talking about Umbrella and Totes (and how amusing it is, obvs) about twenty minutes before I came home and read this.

THAT is destiny!

stef said...

speaking of auto merch - i have about 500 auto straddle stickers still sitting in a box in my bedroom.. riese, are you ever going to actually want those back?

i hope rihanna continues down this road and eventually comes out with a line of pre-broken dishes.

Chloe said...

i made mixed tapes until a year ago when i finally got a new stereo for my car, and they were awesome. actually looking back, i had a retarded taste in music, but never the less...mix tapes are the shit.

and also, the auto straddle boy shorts look fantastically comfy. i'd totally order 30 pair and wear that and t shirts and tanks and nothing else forever and ever, but i'd feel bad for my roommates, so i'll try and control my cravings.

lain said...

Also Flowerbomb by Viktor and Rolf is just perfect. And sometimes when I'm feeling boyish G2 by Gaultier. You know someone else has good taste when they like nice smells. Burberry Brit is a gem.

Hi Riese! I haven't been around in forever because I'm not participating in the interweb much these days but I think maybe I'm back (?) and I totally stopped here first! Because you're swell. Also funny. And you quote Dr. Seuss, just like me.

Razia said...

I think I'll be treating myself to #8 this year. Maybe I'll have two. To myself. Y'know, because I don't have to share anymore.

e. said...

Well, thanks to this list, I've decided to order a pair of automatic boy shorts, stat. For MYSELF. (If Whitney says it's the greatest love of all, then it's worth a try, no? I mean, if it's better than, say, love of crack cocaine? Oh wait. Whitney was all "crack is whack," right? Whatevs, I'm out of it.) Plus:
1. I want a mix CD. Like, really, really badly.
2. I support the concept of tzedakah. Also, a friend of mine has fairly severe MS, and it is pretty much the worst illness ever. I can't even joke about it, 'cause it's so sad it makes the roof of my mouth ache. I think what you (and Ms. Love, obvs) are doing is fantastic, Riese, it makes the entire population of Whoville break into song, and if I had more money I'd buy a pair of boy shorts for every day of the week.
3. Yay, sexy. (Sidenote: You should totes have like, limited edition boy shorts in Spanish. You could just conjugate "straddle" in the subjunctive, and then it totally would be a command! Double sexy! Well, except for the fact that "straddle" translates kinda awkwardly, so it would be difficult to fit all the letters on the bum, and even then it'd be grammatically shaky. Hebrew, maybe?)

P.S. I've just realized: with my admission of unashamed singlehood, my horrifically outdated and misquoted pop culture reference, and my claim of friendship with a person plagued by a late-ish onset, slowly-progressing disease, it would appear that my number one feeling is....senescence. (And I'm not even old enough to purchase Gift #8. In your country, that is. I'm plenty legal up here.)

caitlinmae said...

god you are fantastic. My house mate is dressed as the nineties , maybe blossom. She may hit me in the tummy for saying that. I miss being a part of you, oh auto universe. You should come see girl talk here for free soon and free valentines and vodka!

riese said...

Somehow, I responded to all of these comments right before eric matthew wrote his, and that comment, I just realised, just now, was somehow never published. I feel slightly crazy right now, and not sure if I'll feel more or less crazy if I were to re-write all the things I wrote last time, which was like, two days ago. This is so weird.

riese said...

ok I'm responding again to everything even though it makes me feel slightly crazy. but briefer this time. as my last were lost, very sad for everyone.

shavain - yay!

anonymous - #2 is magic.

crystal - tuesday top 8 is missing thursday.

kate - aside from freedom, our country might have a few things going for it, i gotta say.

caitttttt - i AM amazing.

irish and jew - i think everything in the whole world is better than jersey guidos. just sayin' ...

chrissy - you can totally be cool w/o voting and not wearing an auto-tank top but i'm just sayin' that you could be even COOLER.

katyn - even my lovin' has a little bit of "fuck you" in it. you are one lucky girl, just wait !

jenn - how could you miss number #2??? it's the best one!

lozo - i had to google dropping a deuce and it totally grossed me out i can't believe you did that to me you know how i feel about that stuff!!!

eric matthew - the most amazing thing of all time, aside from your video which we watched again yesterday because we love it, is the idea of Lez Miz karaoke, 'cause that's probs Haviland's worst nightmare of all time. And your individual gift ideas are spot on, kiddo. You should move to NYC, we're always looking for unpaid interns.



stef - i want you to turn those stickers into a dress and wear them to the spice girls. i think you're holding them hostage on purpose, of course i want them. but i tend not to look for things until i completely run out of stock. then i will panic, and annoy you.

chloe - seriously, i think controlling cravings is totally overrated, and mixtapes are totally underrated.

lain - um, omg hi!!! i would wear burberry brit in a house, i would wear burberry brit in a one fish two fish red fish blue fish sam i am.

razia - that is destiny AND the holiday spirit.

e. - i think whitney has a LOT OF FEELINGS. you are going to rock the house in the boy briefs, i think i hear the whos singing right now, and i bet vega could employ her spanish heritage to make some bilingual boy briefs STAT. also, i think you are totally ahead of your time.

caitlinmae - i hope your tummy is okay! and i love free valentines, and blossom, and you being a part of the auto universe!

stef said...

this is unrelated to anything, but i wanted you to know that i deejayed "i want you back" at a quasi-gay friend's birthday party last night and subsequently caused women of varying sexual orientations to dance on a coffeetable, and i think i just opened up a whole new world to MYSELF, jenny.

MoonKiller said...

If my New Years resolution was to eat more icecream I'd have succeeded greatly, I haven't stopped, it's just about the only thing I eat these days.

I can't wait to be able to vote. I'm one of few people my age actually interested in politics and such.

I was told I have a nice natural smell three times in one day last week. I was well chuffed.

I want new boy briefs. I have a pair that say 'bang' on them. But my ex stole them. So I'm down a pair of pants with sexual imperatives on them and need a new pair. I also need a CD that says 'It's a good thing that everyone's fucking you over rather than fucking you' so put one of those together for me and I'll like buy you an island.

eric mathew said...

There is a chance I could be in NYC for 6 months next year. We should hook something up. It would be totes awesome.

Tina Tuner was just wearing silver pants...Hav better watch out.