Monday, February 11, 2008

When Two Become One VLOG

Several thoughts happening at once in my head:

1. About two weeks ago, rolling down 125th in Cait's car with my weirdo friends, I noticed a strange noise and so I asked my traveling companions: "What is this music we're listening to? This is terrible. It sounds like a fake band from a Disney made-for-television afternoon movie ... like, there's five of them, and the lead singer is a ten-year-old girl wearing a Limited Too skort-set --" and Stef interrupted the evolution of this brill extended hypothetical situation with a swift declaration: "It's The Spice Girls."

I enjoyed their poppy singles back in the 90's, or whenevs they were popular and I was retarded, and I still believe that "2 become 1"is an enchanting and well-constructed pop ballad. Furthermore, Sporty Spice has been my fashion icon for as long as I've known how to tie my own shoes and I saw Spice World the day it came out. But apparently, aside from those seductive singles, they've created entire albums worth of terrible music, and tonight, because I must love terrible music, I will be attending the Spice Girls IN CONCERT in New Jersey. A winning combination, truly. It'll probs be awesome.

2. I won an award from the International Hyperhidrosis Society. It's the best thing I've ever received in my entire life on earth, see:

It's in the shape of a SWEAT DROP. You can't see it in the photo, but the bottom is blue, so when you hold it up to the light, the whole award looks blue. The only thing that could've made this award better is if Cyndi Lauper had accepted it for me.

3. I'm going to write a Sunday Top Ten on another day of the week, but not today. Seriously, I am all kinds of suck right now, but I think I'm gonna get my shit together in 2009.

4. I made a Vlog, kiddos. It might be the last one for many weeks 'cause Haviland's going away for a while, she's going to one of those camps where they teach you not to be gay. JK, she's going to Los Angeles. Lots of gays there, and I know, because I've seen The L Word. If I mysteriously come up with a vlog despite her absence, look closely: it could just be Lozo in a Haviland wig.

I didn't have a lot of footage left since I'm insane and made the last vlog over six minutes long, but I did what I could with what I have. Take these pebbles from my hands, grasshoppers:


Haviland Stillwell said...

Love it! Kind of sounded like you were saying "amnesty." hm.

Lozo said...

i'm not wearing a wig, but i will do my haviland stillwell impression.

Crystal said...

Nice vlog, nice edits. I'm super jealous re: Spice Girls, seeing them live has been my dream ever since I was a little girl (or: 14), I'd spend hours in my bedroom memorising the dance moves to 'Stop'... but they just decided to cancel their Australian tour. The dream is over.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Vlog 18/Chai. Mourner's Kaddish. Ha. Jew. ;)

Who's gonna move?

Jo said...

Awesome and hilarious, as usual. Your difficulty saying amenities made me think of Finding Nemo when he can't say sea anemone.

We need the L Word recaps because some of us are broke ass college students who live in dorms and have no control over the extent of their cable (and wouldn't be able to afford Showtime anyway) and also can't wait the extra 24 hours it takes for the episode to show up on YouTube. Your efforts are greatly appreciated!

chrissy said...

^ Everything I wanted to say has already been said by jo up there. 'Cept I don't live in a dorm.

I could take Lozo's place if he takes Haviland's place in a vlog. I mean, I'm funny, I burst into song all the time, and I love talking about random things. Plus I don't really need a wig.

Lozo said...

re: haviland's opening. her *myspace* opening. perverts. i'm just throwin' this out there, but i lost a no. 8 when some blonde chick who can't say amenities canceled her myspace account, so i've got an opening too. see where i'm going with this? you fill my opening, i fill yours? huh? huh? see what i did there?

eric mathew said...

um where to begin.

a. that was amazing. for real. loved it so much.

b. i always knew hav was going to go to those bad camps. so happy to be a jew because they will just pile on more guilt, but at the same time just make me go shopping.

c. i did have a dream about haviland once.

d. Mourner's Kaddish...redic and loved it. i actually had to do the prayer over the wine the other night and almost said the bread one.

e. i highly recomend using the phrase joke...but serious in daily conversations. it is addicting like crack but without the reprocussions. (spelling is off).

eric mathew

p.s. the intern may happen. for realz.
p.p.s just you and semicolon wait for a new music video soon.

jenn said...

hay, loved the vlog,

was very nemo u trying to say amenities and also very special(needs)JK.
rather upset i didnt know haviland was moving?! will things ever be the same??

i have also been enjoying the delights of the eric mathews vidio it spledidly great!!

oh my jimmedy cricket, my word verification has got 9,846,274 letters in it?? it must know im byslexic and not want me to connemt?! the swine!

Anonymous said...

Your really cute in this vlog!

Chloe said...

i want to go to the spice girls concert! sneak me in, in like one of those over sized bags that people, like me, keep their life in (it also doubles as a black hole where cute sunglasses disappear to for weeks at a time). although the whole new jersey aspect doesn't make me as desperate to go.

and also, i love cindi lauper. her hair is fabulous.

in your vlog you said that you're a loser, well good news! i'm a loser too. p.s.
me and my friend vloged a few times. most recently while she was painting her bathroom:

riese said...

haviland - all i know is I'm not staying there if there's no jacuzzi

lozo - omg! I can't wait.

crystal - it just happened, it may have been a dream ... although my pounding head is defo real ...

bb - Jew Power!

jo - I haven't seen that movie you should totally recap it! But yes -- it is for people like you that I'm motivated to do it super quickly, actually. and australians.

chrissy - i hope you're handy with a curler!

lozo - that's what you do.

eric mathew - i always do that, i'm like pre ha whatblabla? amneties? did i ever tell you the one about when i went to jew camp and had to reenact the holocaust, because it's one of my favorite stories.

jenn - no, things will never be the same. obvs/waa.

anonymous - thanks, mom! jk. it's the hair, right? totally the hair.

chloe - if you had gone to the spice girls concert, it would've: 1. changed your life forever because it was amazing, 2. made your head hurt, 3. um, spiced up your life, um, 4. made you bad at writing comments. new jersey was in full effect ... there are no words.

eric mathew said...

wow that is kind of intense. but i feel like you could handle it. my sister was once hamon in a purim play. i guess the jews were going for color blind casting that year.

Chloe said...

my life is in desperate need of being spiced up, and i'm uber jealous.

sorry to hear about jersey. when i was 7 i was walking down the street with my dad and i did like a gang sign thing with my hand and then he told me that if i do that strange men would come to our house in the middle of the night and throw us in the back of a van and drive us out to jersey and dump our's things like that that make people not like jersey. that and the ridiculously unnecessary amount of spiky hair and spray on tanning.

Annie said...

re: you looking cute, I think it's more the shades matching the tank. as well as the hair.

I'll go ahead and be the one to gush over your SWEAT-SHAPED HYPERHIDROSIS AWARD. WTF? Did you win Best Writer or what? Cherish that.

Haviland Stillwell said...

eric mathew - what camps are you talking about me going to?

jenn - i'm not moving - just relocating for a minute...bicoastal and all that... :)

riese said...

eric - omg, i was esther once and it was my favorite character ever!

chloe - on our way out there was a big billboard that said STOP NEWARK KILLINGS. I think platform shoes are coming back you guys, i saw it with my own two eyes. no, i love new jersey, so many of my favorite people live there, like cait, lozo and carly. and um, the sopranos. (never seen it)

annie - THANK YOU! thank you. thank you for noticing. i knew you would appreciate it. it was for "raising awareness" through my article in marie claire. i've come a long way from just raising awareness by raising my arms. and good call, re: tank/hair.

hav - you're not doing a good job of pretending like you read my blog entry. come on jordan catalano. gay camp!

Haviland Stillwell said...

riiiight, its been a couple days (lifetimes!) since i read BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER, yes...

caittt said...

this entire thing was amazing, excellent music choices, i had totally forgotten about amneties. also, hav with the glasses just about kills me. and umm i am pretty sure the platform shoes were a spice specific fashion statement, but who am i to judge. holla

eric mathew said...

speaking of camps...i say we go to tyra's camp this summer. then maybe one of us can go on ANTM cycle 11?

Chloe said...

i never saw the sopranos either, but i hear the ending was anticlimactic.

riese said...

haviland - couldn't have possibly been more than 24 hours, but you're right ... our lives changed last night, and so yesterday is -- as the beatles once rhapsodized -- so so far away.

caitttttt - and also. also. also -- pigtails?

eric mathew - i hear that's a quick way to win the crown! i've only got about nine months left of eligibility before i'm too Oil of Olay for the Cover Girl campaign so we better work it FAST.

chloe - yes, i hear it was worse than when dana died. jk. nothing is worse than when dana died, obvs.

Katyn said...

this made my craptastic day so much better. kudos.

caittt said...

i heard pigtails are making a comeback.. just saying, also look at me talking all in bold. i feel so loud and sassy in this font. HOLLA!

e. said...

Congrats on your sweet giant blue crystalline sweat drop!(!!!) But for honest-to-goodness reals, I thought that article was pretty much the best thing ever, y'know, for my own personal hyperhidrotic reasons, and so I'm glad you got the sweat trophy, 'cause you really deserve the recognition.

The vlog: Very technically well done, re: music and editing. Also made me giggle like a total fuckwit in the packed computer lab at my university. Everyone else was like, writing their brilliant master's theses (thesises?) or something, and even though they all restricted themselves to giving me mildly reproachful looks (Canadian politeness, whatevs), I could totes sense that they wanted to say the f-word at me. And maybe throw some crumpled-up wrappers. But mostly because they were jealous.
Also, Haviland looks (even more) fantastic in glasses. Which is why people dream about her, I think. (Either that, or they watched her Godspell audition on Youtube.)

Also someone should maybe found a group called "Amenity International"? I'm not sure what it would do, though. Draw media attention to abuses of amenities? "It is better to light the floodlights of a tennis court than to curse the darkness of an empty swimming pool?" Or maybe it should just work to prevent/end the rampant pronounciational slaughter of the word itself. (Heh. Look at me, chucking stones from my gigantic glass porch over here!) I don't know, I clearly haven't thought any of this comment through.

P.S. I would remark on the Spice Girls in Jersey, but I don't think I've even been able to wrap my head around that whole concept just yet.

supr said...

you are my hero for earning the sweat trophy. whoever designed it to look like a drop of sweat earns a ranking himself, but you're tops for earning it