Sunday Top Ten: My Super-Fancy Inauguration Day

[Sidenote: Episode 601 L Word Recap Here.]

I like casting things. I've nailed down bridesmaids with no plans for an actual bride [I'm intensely annoying in eternal doses, haphazardly picky w/r/t mate-selection, and slightly insane], I cast my favorite childhood novels for "fun" [subsequently I rarely approved of castings when these books were actually made into movies, though I applauded Winona Ryder as Jo March] because I am a dork and that's what dorks do for fun when they're too young to drive and computers haven't been invented yet. I'd take Major League Baseball All-Star team ballots home with me from games, copy them, and delight in selecting multiple dream teams, over and over again, again -- for "fun." I've made imaginary programs for Woodstock '93, a "Stars of U.S. Women's Gymnastics" World Tour and at the age of 9 had already scoped out my imaginary Super Sweet Sixteen (New Kids on the Block would open for Paul McCartney, obviously).

And so, although there are many reasons why I'd never want to be President of the U.S. -- I've got too many anxiety issues, I couldn't handle being disliked by at least 50% of the country's citizens 'cause I'm hard enough on myself without a CNN/Gallup poll to remind me how bad I suck at my job -- I really would like to cast my own Inaugural Ceremony! Well, I'd also enjoy presidential perks like fancy foods, the library, and the opportunity to help people. But mostly I want to cast the ceremony.

[Sidenote: We're now entering that black hole time known as L Word Season, when all my intelligent brain cells are zapped by a terrible terrible television program. But srsly I'll do my best to blog & write regularly and reasonably well. Clearly I've been braindead since Wednesday, and this is what I've come up with today. I know. I know! Waa.]

Sunday Top Ten: My Great Big Imaginary Inaugural Ceremony

10. Musical Selection #1
Obama will begin his program, which I believe takes place in the freezing cold, with some kind of cheesy patriotic medley starring the The United States Marine Band followed by the San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus. I've read up on these groups and they're clearly excellent selections however no contest, hands down totes I'd pick the kids from the Ron Clark Academy, who wrote and performed the genius "You Can Vote However You Like" song during election season, which I saw on YouTube and on CNN and I said: "This is the best video I've ever seen on YouTube." True story.

9. Call to Order and Welcoming Remarks
I guess I don't have a choice about the welcoming remarks and call to order, I think Senator D-Fen automatically wins that position, but if I could choose, I'd clearly pick Judge Judy.

8. Invocation
I cannot possibly improve on Obama's standout selection of Rick Warren, Passionate Preacher Lover of All Peoples. Honestly I'd prefer Jeremiah Wright -- in lieu of quality, I accept a good spectacle and counter-protest. Although I have nothing but respect for Rick's opinion that my lifestyle is similar to pedophilia, I might personally choose someone completely different. I mean that. Like the complete opposite of Rick Warren, maybe.

I'm a Jew, doest that make it complicated? Let's be honest, I've got no clue wtf an invocation is. Does anyone know? I pick Harold S. Kushner, Rabbi Extraordinaire and author of "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People," which I became briefly obsessed with because all these bad things kept happening to me and I had a lot of turmoil about maybe deserving them.

7. Musical Selection #2
Aretha Franklin: nice. Howevs, I gotta switch it up, can't have the same performer twice. Wouldn't it be funny if Tegan & Sara played at my inauguration? Everyone would think it was A Double Shot at Love and then get confused, 'cause most people in the world, much to my dismay, are not Tegan & Sara fans, but do absorb random bits of information about queer sets of twins and then get all confused in their mind. Also just realized that T&S are Canadian, which makes them poor candidates. Still though I bet you guys would all come.

Maybe Prince or Joni Mitchell.

6. Musical Selection #3
Obama picked John Williams, the prestigious composer of the Star Wars theme song. That's fine, Williams is really good at scoring music for movies, has won every award ever, etc. and he picked Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma, Gabriela Montero and Anthony McGill to play the instruments which is a solid selection.

Is Williams gonna write an Obama Theme Song? Like the score for Obama's presidency? I hope so.

He should make a film score that plays in the background during every State of the Union. How cool would that be? Almost as cool as having the students from the Ron Clark Academy ALSO performing at the end of every SOTU. Or if we could just watch West Wing.

Anyhow. I pick Phillip Glass. I don't know what kind of instruments he'd want to use, so I'd leave that part up to him too. I like to outsource my details.

5. Inaugural Address -- I'd actually stick with Obama's choice of Obama. He would clearly make your eyes water, right? Whatever I could do, he could do better. Plus I have all these weird tics, like how I'm always trying to get a particular knot out of my back, I touch my nose a lot, and I laugh with my entire body. If I can see my hair, I'm constantly touching it, and if I see a mirror or a screen, I have to make funny faces. That's why I avoid mirrors constantly, to like a bizarre degree. Anyhow watch yourself in enough videos and you'll see how annoying you are. Meanwhile watch Obama. Besides the occasional overpause, that dude does not annoy me. Not at all! I've listened to him talk a lot and I'm not annoyed.

4. Poem
He picked Elizabeth Alexander, that's cool.

Ok ... basically I've had to come up with answers to all the other ones on this topic just because I felt like talking about how I would like to have a big public ceremony with Stephen Dunn somehow involved. Perhaps a Sweet Sixteen is in order.

3. Benediction
The Reverend Dr. Joseph E. Lowery will be performing this function, whatever it is. I feel like this is another religious spot requiring a religious leader of some sort.

I'd like a Tibetan Buddhist perhaps. I'm open to suggestions. It'd be hot if I could get the entire National Mall to meditate.

2. The National Anthem by the United States Navy Band "Sea Chanters"
I think this is another no-pick spot. Sea Chanters? What's that. The only anthem I need is "Umbrella."

1. Big Party
Obama's party is really super hip. The first ever Neighborhood Inaugural Ball? I want to live in Beyonce, Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey, Jay-Z, Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder's neighborhood. Where is that oh Los Angeles. Sigh. I wonder if Cat Stevens would come if we invited him. My brother and I both invited Chris Weber to our Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, I also invited Claire Danes, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Bill Clinton. None of them showed or sent money.

I'm going to Los Angeles on Wednesday for a thing. So if you want advice from the fabulous H&R advice column this time we're going to turn the sound on for sure when we're recording, so you'll get your advice soon, especially 'cause I've been too ridiculously scattered and busy lately to write anything (clearly). Email askautowin@yahoo.com! Also when you do I think it helps to be as brief as possible, it helps us to get your answer as rapidly as possible and be sure to cover all the imperative bases on the spot.

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I know it sounds sort of cheesy, but I think teevee is the opposite of poetry. I will be obligated to monitor this divide/balance over the next eight weeks, probably will need to read extra poetry.

Who would you cast?

Milk. About What. Hot Bloggers. Diaryland. Fear. Hope. Love. Justice. Peace. Heartcore.

i. Annnouncements.

Firstly -- all my feelings about the DOJ in a new autostraddle: She's Done it Again, She's Managed It, Like the Cat, The L Word has Nine Times to Die. Secondly, I got my Hot Blogger Calendar in the mail and it's AWESOME, for reals, and I'm Miss October. If you don't buy one (a bargain at $12, and $2 goes to the autowin fund), you'll probs never know what day it is and then you'll be late for work. If you still have a job.

ii. I gave up my neck for Harvey Milk, and I liked it

We saw MILK last night, you should too. Look at me, I've already seen three movies this year, I've come a long way since 2007, The Year of No Movies (which you may recall was foiled by my evil mother and brother who forced me to see Juno with them, which I could've easily seen in January, but noooo whatevs Marie's Arbitrary Rules for Yourself, this is family time bladiblabla), this year I've already seen Sex and the City: The Movie, Rachel Getting Married and MILK! That's three whole movies!

Despite being on time with tickets in-hand, we were at the back of the line filing in (oh, the Urban gays!), and the only seats left together were front-row seats. I've seen A LOT of movies from the front row since moving here. SATC, Short Bus, The DaVinci Code (not my idea obvs blame Haviland). It's intense up there. Every pore in high-definition.

MILK was, as expected, triumphant and inspiring, depsite the sad ending. It's remarkable, really, the legacy of hatred and fear that plagues the history of humankind absolutely everywhere. I wonder if we're becoming better people, worldwide, or if it's just the same cycle over and over, with bigotry and evil popping up in different contexts in different countries but still, population-wise ... oh, I dunno. I wish this had come out in August, maybe it could've helped us avoid the Same-Sex Setback.

Also! Big man crushes happening right now:

Emile Hirsch as Cleve Jones

James Franco as Scott Smith
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iii. What is this blog about, anyway?

I'm trying to write an "about me" page. All the other bloggers have 'em, and it's the first place I look when I hit a new spot, and I want to make my blog as new-user-friendly as I possibly can. Howevs, I'm a little stuck. Wtf is my blog about? I mean -- clearly it's about memememememe -- but what else? If you have any thoughts on this topic, please do let me know, I need an objective opinion.

iv. Working On
I'm working on the Top Ten Weirdos of 2008 and a new Stuff I've Been Reading. Just you know, FYI. I've read a lot of stuff!

v. Diaryland

In 2002, my friend Jake told me that Diaryland (the original online journaling site, which didn't offer the interactivity of later applications like livejournal, blogger and wordpress, and therefore remains kind of quaint and perfect) had erased all its inactive journals, e.g., mine. I checked -- indeed, they had. I'd printed out my first two months of diarylanding but the rest was lost.

Sometimes these things happen and I tell myself it's probs better that way, 'cause I need to learn to part with written words. Moving from idea to idea with the baggage of thousands upon thousands of already-written and well-archived words is daunting/haunting. Every blank page is crowded by the feeling I've said this before, already, and the possibility of proof just amps up that suspicion.

Then Krista will point out I've used the phrase "shoulderblades like angel wings" in ten different short stories and I'll realize, yes, my capacity for metaphor is ridiculously finite, I should probs get into Plastics or Nursing.

Anyhow! Last week I learned you can ask Diaryland to recover your diary! So I did, and they did, and it's really interesting to memememe, 'cause though I've got my whole life in journals, I didn't journal much this particular year. When I did, it was mostly about my body and the pain, 'cause that was the year I was first diagnosed with fibro. I don't remember much from this year. It's in my brain like a long dull dorm hallway. It was a strange year. Maybe because it was the most benign year I've ever had.

January 20th, 2001.

I am ruled by fear. In order to deal with these fears, I will list them here:

Fear of never having a boyfriend, fear of the telephone, fear of gaining weight, fear of losing friends across the country, fear of losing my journal, fear of my room catching on fire, fear of complete loneliness, fear of people finding out i'm a bad person, fear of anyone dying (especially if we're on bad terms), fear of being called ugly, fear of Ryan cutting me out of his life, fear of finding out i'm a terrible writer, fear of disability/physical impairment, fear of permanent depression, fear of never seeing my father again, fear of most social situations like parties, really strange crippling fear that when i ask for a "non fat cappuchino" they will accidentally put in whole milk instead of skim, fear of avoiding phone calls/applications/job searches enough that i never do what i want to do, fear of not having money to do anything, fear of being called out for everything i am afraid of.

Open Letter to The Future: You've Got Your Whole Life to Lose, Let's Auto-win Some!

I have some ideas about the future. Welcome to a special edition of the Carousel of Progress.

So I get it, I read the news, we're apparently facing some kind of worldwide economic apocalypse. This all seems unreal to me, not 'cause I've been immune to its impact -- because trust me, my consistently near-empty pockets are particularly empty these days -- just 'cause the economy is a structure we set up, like ... as humans? Why'd we invent something so crummy, and why can't we take it back, like a broken toaster? "No thanks, we prefer the fire pit after all, works every time?" I'm down to hunt & gather.

I've been thinking about the future because:

a) I've been reading the answers to What's Your Dangerous Idea? ("The history of science is replete with discoveries that were considered socially, morally, or emotionally dangerous in their time ... What is your dangerous idea? An idea you think about (not necessarily one you originated) that is dangerous not because it is assumed to be false, but because it might be true?") the 2006 question posited by the Edge World Question Center to top scientists around the world.

b) Obama, the economy, the environment ... there's been a lot of talk lately about ... well ... what's gonna happen next.

c) I've been trying to think about the future in a real way lately now that I'm actively increasing rather than decreasing the probability that I'll be around for that much more of it. It's freaky, I don't even know if I love time travel anymore! I guess I only like backwards time travel. I just want to churn butter in my Little House on the Prairie, that's my true destiny in life.

I have some ideas about things I would like The Future to consider for our future.

Okay, dear the future here are some things I would like to see:

1. Factory: The Magazine: So OurChart's over, The L Word's almost over, so many magazines & newspapers are vanishing, and I feel many bloggers are losing steam or simply the time to do so much unpaid writing ... I feel now's the time for someone with a good voice -- hopeful but careful, snarky but tender, ridiculously mind-blowingly intelligent, quick, and clever, queer in sensibility, not gay but also not hetero-normative, not women-targeted but mostly women-staffed -- to emerge and start something really new and spectacular that actually takes prior internet-media lessons learned and applies all of them from the get-go. 'Cause here's what we've been left with: the surviving media is either sarcastic or old-school, the failing media ran the gamut but often was twitching for tradition, the mainstream sources remain as they've always been (dumb).

What about something that actually speaks our language? 'Cause we have one, and it's a little bit newer, but also kinda awesome, and valid. It's diverse and expresses itself in every format we can touch or see or find. We are infinite. I drove home listening to some of the songs we listened to those times when we were infinite.

2. I'd like for New York Sports Club to fix at least three of its machines at the 125th & Broadway location, e.g., the clanking ellipticals. The teevee audio & video is out of sync, the magazine rack's a mess, the seat of the ab machine always slides down, that girl in the yellow shorts needs to see an ED specialist and please for the love of G-d get someone at stall #3 in the ladies room STAT.

3. I'd like to finish writing this novel, or at least 50,000 words of it, by the end of the month of November.

4. It'd be neat to see a smooth transition from Obama's eighth year to Hillary's first, almost like something they'd just talked about the two of them, decided would be best, asked if that was okay with America, and calmly traded chairs.

5. The economic crisis should lead us to question our attachments to material goods and money. Capitalism isn't a religion, and advertising dictates desire dangerously.

We should begin thinking about embracing the DIY movement (thanks to a;ex for this article, @lifehacker: The "Greater Depression" can be a DIY Renissance). We should start making more stuff, and also stop judging one's employment potential by the amount charged to their credit card to buy the suit and the soft makeup for the interview. That's dumb. I really would be totally down with growing my own food, but I live in the city, although I'm getting a lemon tree soon so.

---

6. I think books can make it. I think people who write books might have to respond -- as writers always have over the centuries -- to an audience who's taste and attention span has changed. We can produce novels that appeal to new readers without sacrificing intelligence or word count.

I think people are capable of reading a shit-ton of words, now more than ever. Book people need to realize that since paper is the big difference between online writing and books/magazines/newspapers, we should think about how to really sell & market the paper.

Part of our problem? There's too many books to choose from, and due to the mental engagement & silence & time required to read a book, no-one can read every book they want to read in one lifetime and therefore we can't produce infinite books like we do with teevee channels. We're printing too many books. A lot of them suck.

Independent presses are being drowned out by big presses who don't even have the time to focus on quality over quantity, and the reading public is suffering. We have self-publishing for people who can't find a major publisher for their work, so it's not that a shafted writer is left up shit creek without a (albeit not too cool) paddle. If it's that good, your self-published work'll emerge from the muck.

I think literature will survive everything that people are saying against it, but that also means we can't forget about literacy. We need to seriously work on literacy if we want people to read our books!!

So -- we focus on quality, literacy, making the internet work for us and not against us, incorporating new media and targeting different audience styles to our advantage. The independent presses can play that game too, just by promoting the quality-based system on a smaller revenue model.

---

7. Pinkberry should bring back the coffee flavor, by popular demand (as you can see in the photo I will wait for ice cream). All grocery stores should carry Sausage & Cheese Breakfast LeanPockets, especially you, FreshDirect. It's not fair that I only know the calorie counts of corporate chain restaurants, you can't convince America that we can only rely on The Man to keep us healthy too and give us the numbers, make everyone do it. No no no. Also, I would like the world to be made of some combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

8. New books by: Lorrie Moore, Miranda July, Maggie Estep and Mary Gaitskill, New music from Uh Huh Her and no more re-runs of Intervention, just new episodes, thanks.

9. I think that Haviland Stillwell should be in "The Farm" which'll reveal itself to be secretly totally awesome. So far it looks kinda weird, like Bad Girls. But whatevs, last time we stole a British queer show concept (Queer as Folk) it turned out a lot better than our own.

---

10. I'd like a publisher or magazine to commission me to do a year-long project in which I approach, as a journalist, taking on the jobs of people who I think are bad at their jobs. Like I bitch about Duane Reade but if I worked there, would I be any better? Not like Nickel & Dimed, this'll be more about how we assess service and performance in others than about socioeconomic realities for women.

It would be a 12-month thing and each month I'd have to try to get a job and then work the job at:

1. Time Warner Customer Service
2. 125th & Lennox Starbucks
3. Duane Reade
4. The U.S Postal Service
5. New York Sports Club
6. the editor of an online magazine that will not be named
7. President of the United States George W. Bush
8. Head writer for The L Word
9. The Manicure Lady
10. the pantry chef at The Macaroni Grill I worked at for three years
11. a receptionist at the Ryan Center on 96th street
12. my 10th grade English teacher

And I'd open talking about my ire for said worker of said job and then find out like, well, wtf, could I do any better? You know? I wonder if it'd be harder to be Time Warner Customer Service than it would be to re-design OurChart (that's not the online magazine I refer to, but you know?).

---

11. Also I think Prop 8 should be overturned and gay marraige legalized nationwide.

Okay, thanks for listening to my ideas. Let's get going to the Invention Convention! Bring legos and fruit punch please, thanks!

+++
xoxo
autowin.

Auto-Fun of the Brand New Bright Beautiful Day: 11-7-2008

Good Morning America! Welcome to the rest of your life! GOBAMA! The "No on 8" fight continued in full force after election day, and Haviland's been giving me reports of really inspirational crowds at recent West Hollywood rallies ... howevs, prospects remain dim ... way dimmer, actually. I don't mean to sound like I'm at Kentucky Fried Chicken with my Mom in 1987 throwing a tantrum 'cause she'll only let me have mashed potatoes OR french fries rather than both, but I feel saddened that Obama's triumphant victory has been slightly overshadowed by this heartbreaking loss. I hate everyone! JK, I love Tinkerbell and Sasha Obama.

YES WE CAN! Except ... the publishing industry (that's mine, hypothetically) is tanking. Job cuts at Time, Rodale, Hearst, The New York Times, McGraw-Hill, the L.A. Times, and Conde Nast. Magazines keep folding like paper planes, sigh. Probs not the best time to start my own.

Speaking of the art of losing, my leg has remained the same, looking as if my leg dressed up as Frankenstien for Halloween and forgot to take off the costume. But I discovered it's a fantastic opportunity to play with photobooth.

---

quote: "Basically, I realized, I was living in that awful stage of life from the age of twenty-six to thirty-seven known as stupidity. It's when you don't know anything, not even as much as you did when you were younger, and you don't even have philosophy about all the things you don't know, the way you did when you were younger, and you don't even have a philosophy about all the things you didn't know, the way you did when you were twenty or would again when you were thirty-eight -- Nonetheless you tried things out: "love is the cultural exchange program of futility and eroticism." I said.

And Eleanor would say, "Oh how cynical can you get," meaning not nearly cynical enough. I had made it sound dreadful but somehow fair, like a sleepaway camp. "Being in love with Gerard is like sleeping in the middle of the freeway," I tried.

"Thatta girl," said Eleanor. "Much better."
[from Anagrams, by Lorrie Moore]

---

Links:
1. Hello, Rachel on the cover of The Advocate! Rachel Maddow is the Smartest Person in TV [@the advocate]
2. Looks like getting drunk and making out is no longer as compelling as feeling feelings!: The Real World: Brooklyn - TOTALLY EMO. Feelings are the new Friday. [@gawker]
3. First Person Plural - we all contain multiple selves with different desires, fighting for control. ta-da! [@the atlantic]
4. Philadelphia - How it Was Done [@n+1]
5. The 20 Greatest Campaign Ads of All Time (@nerve)
6. "Historic moments call for historical front pages and historic headlines. Yet not all of them are as successful as they would like to be." Newspaper Front Pages Proclaim Obama Victory [@the font feed]
7. Speaking of the audacity of hope ... this NPR podcast "Going Big" [@thisamericanlife.org] about Geoffery Canada and the Harlem Children's Zone, was, like the book about it discussed in this article (from @a_ex): "Poverty and the Brain" [@brain and behavior], one of the "most bracing, sobering and inspiring" podcasts I've listened to in a while. Geoffery Canada's Harlem Children's Zone changes the lives of thousands of Harlem children with a revolutionary plan that utilizes new social work and educational concepts to fix poverty culture itself and the cyclical way of life that ensures its continued existence. He take into account "how our brain is changed by the details of our upbringing" -- like, for example -- the number of words per day that middle-class children hear from their parents, etc. It's a good example of how we truly can work to move forward in this country from the ground up.
8. The Polling Place Photo Project (from @abartleby) [@nytimes]
9. FINALLY! An interview with the man himself, Bill Ayers [@newyorker]
10. Really I feel like media should stop declaring the death of other media all the time. Let's talk about puppies or something. Can The Daily Show survive a Barack presidency? [@nymag]
11. Does Religion Make You Nice? Does Atheism Make You Mean? [@slate]
12. Lonely Together. [@the age au]

So Yeah, WE DID. (See our Planet Harlem Obama Party in VIDEO). You Lose Some, You Oughta Win Some!

Last night = obvs a historic occasion. Not only did I slice my leg open (re: your questions in the comments -- that's defo not the blood dripping down, I literally did get sliced from knee to ankle) but Barack Obama WON the election AND -- inspired by these events and vodka, I willingly traveled TOWARDS, rather than away from, a large mass of human beings congregated in one small space. Not only this, but said human congregation was at the intersection of 125th & Adam Clayton Powell, in New York, NY, one block from my old apartment. We made you a video about it! [below] And it was beautiful, so fucking amazing, there's no place on earth I would've rather been. A jubilant & incredibly diverse crowd -- our collective joy broke into blossom, turned into amber waves of grain, and will now fed our hearts and souls forevs and evs. We did it!

I've really enjoyed, deep in the little embers of my ever-loving heart, reading your comments last night and today. You're all so special and warm my heart, seriously, you've all said such amazing things.

You know when you can't help but SMILE? I hear this happens to other people all the time, but I am a tin-man/vampire, so.

OMG! How many "omgkfasjdaklj" texts did you send last night? OMG, i KNOW! Me too!!!

As for Prop 8 -- the fight isn't over. That's all I can talk about right now, as I don't think I can handle any bittersweet in my sweet today. I'll deal with it, I'm not gonna block it out like I did with other childhood traumas, a psychological coping mechanism that made me into the batshit crazy person I am today. I'm gonna deal with it like later on tonight or this week. Tegan & Sara, btw, are leading a prop 8 protest rally in WeHo tonight. That's amazing. I love America!

Also, nice job Palin. You are so over, we need a new word for over.

Every now and then, there comes an event so magical, and so huge, that I don't feel I can do it justice in any way except to run around the streets and scream with people. Mostly, I feel you've probs read enough of my words and the words of others today. C'mon, you know how I feel my feelings today, obvs.

So I've made you a video. We took the camera last night but weren't that good at filming important stuff, but you know how I like to turn straw into gold. And by gold I mean "goldplated" but it's the thought that counts.

It's a little corny, I have some of Obama's speech in Grant Park there as well as footage from our jaunt, which you witnessed in writing last night as I live-blogged. A;ex and I went next door (our friends are my neighbors!), got Chase & Ang, and went right to Planet. Obvs. Among other amazing things I overheard was "Who's house is it?" "THE BLACK HOUSE!"

Also, this guy walked past me and said "You need some change, right?" in a burst of enthusiasm and I was confused, as was Alex, I was like "is he saying that I'm gonna be the poor one now? If he is, that's kind of amazing and awesome, but why is he offering me change? Is it my outfit?" and then I realized he was talking about the other kind of change. You know, THE CHANGE WE NEED.

[Great article about Rachel Maddow in New York Magazine, P.S.]

You can see some of last night's brill insanity. Wheeee!!!!!


Also, an update on my leg -- it still looks pretty much the same, perhaps slightly worse, but is beginning to scab. Stay tuned for more updates!!!

Election Day Live-Blog: Either the Best or the Worst Night Ever [UPDATE THE BEST!!!]

Hi kids! Welcome to the Election Day Live-Blog. We get to find out who wins tonight, right? FYI, we still don't have a couch, and I was trying to screw in the curtain rod and I fell through a bookshelf, breaking it and slicing my left leg open. It's pretty sexy. I think things can really only go up from here. Like we could win the election.

12:49 A.M.: Oh and happy birthday Autumn!!! OMG you guys, I am so proud of everyone. I wish my Dad could see this, he'd freak out for sure. I'm so happy and stuff!!

12: 31 AM: AND WE DID. Planet Harlem is AMAZING right now. They've got a big screen on Adam Clayton Powell, no one is yelling at me about the apocalypse and there is just pure, unbridled, genuine, fearless JOY on the streets right now. I love everyone.

Don't talk to me about Prop 8 right now, I can't handle it, just need to sleep and will deal with that, and my re-opened leg wound, in the morning.

10:48 P.M.: WE ARE GOING TO HARLEM TO VIDEOTAPE AND PARTY!!!!

10:35 P.M.: PARIS and Semicolon support Obama for president.
I love this wig, I love America, and I love John McCain. (KIDDING! I mean ... I do! 'Cause he lost so that my true LOVe Obama could WINN!!) We're going to go next door and see if we can make our friends as excited as we are. BRB in like five minutes, 'cause NO ON PROP 8 HAS JUST BEGUN.

10:25 P.M.: In 2000, I was asleep in my dorm and I woke up at 2 A.M and heard my friend yelling 'we won! Gore! Gore in Oh-oh!" and I went to sleep happy and then I woke up the next morning and the whole world changed. But this is shaping up to be so much better than that, and so much more.

Natalie: Your leg looks like HELL by the way. I hope you don't have rabies.
Me: That's your name! Your NAME is RABIES!

(It's Raaber, but when we joined the gym together as a lesbian couple, they sent the mail to Marie Bernard and Natalie Rabey.)


10:21 P.M.: We might need to go next door and excite Devilkitty 'cause we feel like she is not excited enough.

NYTimes says 159 Obama, 36 McCain. I knew it! I knew this was gonna happen, 'cause polling "likely voters"? Who are they? Who's ever been polled as a likely voter? Not me. Young people and black people were not polled and they all voted so BOOYA pollers. People who don't answer their phone are autowinners. Yayayayayay!

10:13 P.M.: This is like a dream, except my dead Dad and my ex from middle school aren't in it! Um, anyway so ...

My nail polish DOES match my blood, holler!

You know why I'm bleeding? 'Cause I'm a liberal, and that's my bleeding heart!

Natalie likes Rachel's hair better too. It's been universally confirmed that Rachel's hair looks better tonight and that is probs why Obama is winning and will win and YES WE CAN


10:05 P.M.: Live pictures from HARLEM?!!! This is the first thing to ever happen outside of Dr. Jay's Shoe Store since 2007 and now I live a little bit too far west for my lazy ass to trek.

10:02 P.M: Update on my leg:

Update on the election:

Natalie just came home and we all screamed about Ohio! Her parents voted Democrat for the first time ever, and she made her brother vote, and he just came in and she was like, "Matthew, it's because of you! That he won Ohio!" See, heartwarming moments are happening all over the place.

9:50 P.M.: Someone explain to me the psychology of people who totally just don't vote?

9:48 P.M.: First occasion for "my number one feeling is Miami" tag since um ... actually going to Miami!

9:46 P.M: I'm not entirely sure I have any idea how to act when something reliant on a popular vote totally goes my way.

9:43 P.M.: Finally, college-educated whites have achieved SOMETHING. We're cited as Obama's number one pushers for this election. We don't have jobs that pay our rent, but we're all about the audacity of hope etc!!!

OMG OMG OMG! OHIO!

9:40 P.M.: A;ex loves maps and apologizes for not knowing "where that state is that's next to Michigan." Also she can see Angelina Jolie from her bedroom!

NPR says Obama wins New Mexico, but NY Times says McCain wins New Mexico. I feel like the NY Times is being a serious old grey lady tonight.

9:36 P.M.: Haviland vounteered today in L.A. and said everyone was like "oh, obvs I'm voting against Prop 8" She also says "Hi Autowinnners!" and "Hi!" on behalf of all L.A. Power Lesbians. Wheeeee!

9:35 P.M.: A;ex just asked "what's that state next to Michigan?" Sigh.

9:32 P.M.: Okay a lot of things are happening ... and I think they are all good.

9:23 P.M.: OH! OHIO! Ohio! My home and native land, where I celebrate the Jesus related holidays and my dear family lives! YOU GO ERMA! YOU GO ERMA AND GLEN! (those are my grandparents). Yay Ohio, birthplace of my father, yay Ohio, homeland of Natalie! OHIO! Home of the many Wal-Marts and Odd Lots! Ohio land of the free home of the not that brave but very very tenacious sometimes when they want to be! Ohio headquarters of the homosexy Abercrombie and Fitch!

9:16 P.M: I wish Elisabeth Hassleback's career was on the ballot so I could vote her out of it. I hope she deflates a little and then Whoopi and Joy can eat her. Also, the polls close in California in an hour and 45 minutes, so I guess we'll find out about No on prop 8 um ... well I'll be up all night. Is legalizing cocaine on the ballot? It's only 9:17! A lot of talking not a lot of results.

Still those white dudes are overpowering Rachel.

9:14 P.M: McCain's Mom is talking crazy. She doesn't care if he wins and thinks he's going to die soon or something. She must be at least 500 years old.

9:11 P.M.: OMG It's GRANHOLM! In Michigan! She pioneered the lesbian haircut! She has high hopes for Obama obviously. Talking about the auto industry. Love the multicultural electorate everywhere except at Obama rallies.

9:05 P.M.: I've never been to Virginia or South Carolina. WILL I EVER? We'll find out tonight. A;ex is cleansing my wound. Oh good, Rachel is talking, I think they did her hair differently tonight.

9:04 P.M.: Peter and A;ex want to order pizza 'cause Chris Matthews told them too. Obvs brainwashed by the liberal media elite.

8:54 P.M.: In response to various comments -- I never let not being able to focus stop me from liveblogging! Yay! I'd feel weird if I lived in Anchorage, my tear ducts are totes prepped for tears of joy, and I am wishing myself good luck as well.

There is not enough Rachel Maddow on MSNBC. If my cable worked well I could flip back and forth between this and BET.

I think Delay just tried to talk "street" and failed. "I don't hate!" Okay. Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love, I don't even want, none of the above ...

8:48 P.M.: If you want to feel better just read Huff Po. They have lots of big letters announcing nice things, like that Obama wins it all. But this asshat on MSNBC is like "cool your heels in Grant Park." Yeah I'll cool your heels in your mom or whatevs whatevs whatever.

A;ex: What the fuck would it take for these red assholes to wake up and change their fucking minds and vote Democrat?
Me: If they could just feel the pleasure of another man's penis in their assholes, they'd flip like THAT.
A;ex: I mean how can they ignore what's happening in this country?
Me: There's a g-spot up there.


8:45 P.M.: So far Obama has not flipped a red state blue. That's fine. Purple is my favorite color.

8:41 P.M.: FreshDirect is 41 minutes late. I'm hungry. I wish I lived in a socialist country. I cannot drink fast enough for this night. I tried to take another picture of my bloody leg 'cause I think it's gotten worse, but I don't think any photos can do it justice. There are three of us in one room using the slowest web connection ever. I wonder what I'd pick for my headshot in the upper left.

I saw McCain speaking this afternoon to his "supporters" and he kept saying "my friends." Does he do that all the time? That's so irritating, if he wins I'm going Office Space on my teevee so I never have to hear his stupid annoying voice, he is so not in my top 8 and never will be. If I had a top 100,000 he wouldn't be in it either.

8:36 P.M.: The NY Times poll is completely whack! How can they keep reporting all these random Midwestern states before ANYONE has reported? Has anyone counted MY absentee ballot in Michigan yet?

8:33 P.M.: Barack is barely winning the popular vote. I don't care about the popular vote. AUTOWIN: Not caring about the popular vote since 2000.

8:31 P.M.: Obama is gonna win Maine. I knew it! Everyone in Maine is a hippie who lives in a tree. My Fresh Direct is totally late. I need to open this bottle of wine to drink right out of it. BRB.

8:26 P.M.: I'd like to speak to the 9% who think the economy is good. Actually I know one person who thinks we're all just being pessimistic. She doesn't live in Pennsylvania though so I don't know what to tell you. Maybe that's also the same percentage of people in Pennsylvania who live in caves and/or the hills.

8:22 P.M.: Thank you for the demonstration of how to fill out a ballot. This is like the SATs. Bring a Number 2 pencil and cocaine.

8:17 P.M.: I feel like if Ice-T had gone in another direction in his career, he would look a little bit like the token they've got on MSNBC ... I'm not just saying that 'cause they're both black. They look alike! I mean I know the difference between Barack Obama and Will Smith. I totally voted.

The NYTimes is projecting Texas to go Obama with 0% reporting? I feel like they should re-hire some of those 1,200 people they fired.

8:08 P.M.: Natalie says "Peter keeps saying OH NO! What's happening?" I tell her McCain hasn't lost a red state yet but we think Barack won Pennsylvania.

BTW, I'm losing all kinds of red blood coming out of my leg, and I still believe in the audacity of hope.

8:07 P.M.: Chris Matthews says that in Pennsylvania, "change" isn't always a good word 'cause the kids grow up and then move to New York or D.C. I think the implication is that they then become HOMOSEXUALS.

8:05 P.M.: PENNSYLVANIA!!!

7:47 P.M.: @lozo - too close to call! Obama will school McCain later.

I feel like it's still noon in California. FreshDirect is late, I wonder if that's related to the election. I hate it when Red States report first.

7:35 P.M. A;ex is putting up my shelves! Chris Matthews's voice gets a little grating sometimes. I think Rachel's worn that jacket before. But look she's blue and red! Like America! Except I hope America is more blue. Just like her outfit!

Also, I got some late-adds for the No on Prop 8 Quilt, so I must re-post it, 'cause it's two hot lesbians and a cute dog, which's the American Dream obviously.

8 Against 8 : You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Hello! Welcome to the last day of 8 Against 8, which's what happens when 8 gay ladies stop being polite and start saving the rainforest. Over the last week we've gotten My So-Called Life back on the air, become eight less by curing cervical cancer, gotten the word out about fedoras, fed & clothed a million skinny naked ladies at the gym and raised nearly $12,470 to support the No on Proposition 8 efforts. (!!!!) In honor of our last day, I have a lot of feelings, which you'll read if you get past this paragraph and so forth.

It's been tough keeping up on everything -- like the bajillion emails from people doing super-awesome things related to the campaign -- so I apologize if anyone's asked for a shout-out and hasn't gotten it ... YET! I'll try to work you in later. Like "OMG, so I have these feelings about myself, watch this video about no on 8," etc. I feel like I'm due for a mental breakdown, which's primo advertising placement, let me tell you. All I need is for that woman to come back and start a fight and/or poetry slam with me in the comments, traffic will skyrocket.

Who's hot today? Besides Laura and Maggie, who are hot every day:

(L to R, row-by-row:

a;ex vega, carly, rachel,
natalie, haviland, riese,
vashti, stef, tinkerbell,
marlene , suzanna, eric
krista, rebecca, autumn,
laura, ms. jackson, jack,
renee, milly & georgia of lesbilicious uk, gemma,
asher, liz, crystal,
allie, lynn, razia
poncho, erin, couch,
sinclair sexsmith, meghan, maggie
caitlinmae, littlefoot, ewok
raye, rachel, a.k,
lieutenant teddy, judith, judith
samantha.)
++
Okay so let's get down to business:

1. This is your last chance to WIN! a copy of The L Word Season Five on DVD by sending me your photo for the No-on-8 quilt or donating [actually, it's totally not. I've got several more copies that could come your way over the next few weeks for other reasons, TBA]. You know, The L Word? Returning to DVD with THE COMPLETE FIFTH SEASON on October 21st in a collectible 4-disc set, including all 12 dramatic and deliciously provocative Fifth season episodes from Showtime's successful long-running series featuring all of the beauty, chaos and complexities of a group of women who inhabit Los Angeles's lesbian community plus behind-the-scenes special features? [That's what I'm supposed to say, right? I'm really good at PR.]

2. Or you can win other things.

3. This is your last chance to WIN! for doing something that will benefit the entire world. Future chances to win will be more self-serving.

---

8 Reasons - 8 Against 8 - Why No on 8?

8. Because ultimately it's about freedom -- Prop 8 asks the state if there's still a case to be made for hope and consequently, for America's founding principles.

America's an idea, a philosophy, an evolving social experiment that now has a chance to begin again. We have a chance on November 4th to choose a new, hopeful and dramatic path that would make our ancestors proud.

The thesis of our path: Love & Equality will Save Us All. We've gone dangerously retro lately, despite the fact that those who've earned a voice (a.k.a. the "liberal media elite") clamor for a return to our initial philosophy: celebrate diversity, do not prosecute deviants. Because if you haven't hurt anyone on purpose, I believe your life is inherently legal.

7. Because until I heard Obama's '04 Convention speech, I believed only one America remained possible: a business, a military superpower on its last lap, a theocracy. Because we're at a turning point. This election will determine if America's a theocracy or something else. "Something else" = land of the free, home of the brave. Home of the tolerant.

6. Because although I don't understand -- and I cannot relate -- to the Yes on 8 folks, and I think they're wrong, stupid and unevolved, I am willing to share this land with them on principle. I mean -- I don't believe in a G-d that denies happiness or judges anyone on anything besides these two simple questions: Are you an asshat? Do you kill or hurt? etc. That's all that matters. Beyond that it's technicalities, tricky scriptures that direct repression and suppression of desire. I believe in desire.

 I believe in pleasure and the inherent goodness of everything a person does with pure intent -- anything a person does out of desire to make the world a better place and to not hurt anyone else in the proccess. Because what better place to live in than a place of fulfilled desire, a place where hope, ambition, pleasure and honesty can thrive?

Because I'm willing to accept the existence of the Yes on 8 Parade in exchange for their acceptance of me. I'm offended by their intolerance, disgust, and condemnation, but I'll accept it. They can lock me out of their churches, but they cannot -- THEY WILL NOT -- ask the government to follow the example of their churches. That's not the G-d I worship or pray to and that's not the government that I auto-be governed by.

++

5. Because relationships are messy, the fallout's complicated. We lose so much (our money, our minds), the art of losing is inevitable to master, and life is complicated and sometimes divorce's clean, rational proceedings are an unexpected blessing in the wake of messy, complicated breakups. 'Cause if straight people get shotgun weddings, I want them too. 'Cause the temporary insanity that befalls two people already prone to rash, unwise decisions and leads them to marry suddenly and against better judgment -- those are often precisely the relationships that need the legal protection provided by breaking up legally.

'Cause when my friends said if I didn't at least call the police they would -- and I did -- and the police came and they read & listened & told me, "We're all gonna die. She didn't say she was going to kill you soon. She said you were going to DIE soon." Which was well & good 'til they asked, how do you know her, and I said, she was my girlfriend and they rolled their eyes so far to the back of their heads I thought they'd never come back my way. They'd never look at me the same again and they didn't. They said anyone could've written those emails. [ha!] and as this conversation went on I wanted to pummel both of these cops with the strength of a million men, the kind of legitimacy granted by the heterosexual union, but no, certainly I knew by now that it's easy to look at two girls together and think it's just playtime sleepover, without power dynamics and rings there could be no crime.

4. Because marriage is the first step towards being considered legitimate at all, because it'll get a ball rolling that one day could land in our court. Same-sex domestic abuse is chronically unreported. Victims feel they are not taken seriously. This is true. I just tried to type a sentence about how things may have gone differently if she'd been male but it made my stomach hurt so I stopped.

Because when the shit hits the fan so many GLBT people are left on the floor, staring at the ceiling fan, amazed at how easy it was to lose it all. Shit.

++

3. Because I want to be proud of America! Because it's embarrassing to be on this team right now.

Because I want America to be Team Honest, where people come clean and get rings and dresses for it.

2. Because we're so Behind

We're the only industrialized wealthy democratic nation to criminalize prostitution and aggressively prosecute sex workers (and don't confuse willing sex workers with sex trafficking and sex slavery -- that's a whole different ballgame. That's like comparing people who run factories to people who run sweatshops, it's just not relevant to discuss side to side, even if it's the same work being done).

'Cause we're talking logic here people. The same kind of logic that says if we don't pay for everyone to get educated, we'll pay for them to go to prison and/or rehab later. If we don't pay for everyone to get healthcare, we'll pay for the emergency room bills they never pay themselves. 'Cause it's logical to losen up the laws that are based on church-originated views of sexuality -- whether it be prostitution, abortion, sex ed or gay marriage -- and get logical. Sex work (like abortion) happens whether its legal or not, and regardless of how you feel about it or your church feels about it, it's a proven fact that sex workers are safer when their industry is regulated & subjected to health checks & they aren't afraid to go to the police when they're raped or hurt.

It's time we get free.

Everyone else is giving universal healthcare and everyone else is giving gay marriage and

wtf America
this was supposed to be YOUR GAME.
wtf, America,
live up to your fucking potential, you asshole.
be freedom.
create a country where everyone is allowed to do what they want, SEPARATE CHURCH AND STATE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
wtf, america, stop being a douchebag.
you've been talking shit for years about how you want the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free ... and you've become a church-state, which's so lame.

Because the past eight years have seen us lose our freedom of speech -- the very thing that set us apart from the oppressive regimes our parents' parents came here to escape.

1. Because if you want to immigrate to this country to be with the one you love and you are gay, you cannot.

Because that is discrimination, plain and simple.

++
18.
"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world."
-John Lennon, "Imagine."

Because if you respected my opinion that much, you wouldn't make it illegal. Because it's about time we do something revolutionary. It's been centuries since we threw the tea off the boat and what have we done since then? What have we got to show for ourselves now? Are we ahead of the game anywhere?

Because you can hate me and hate what I want with the fury of a thousand suns but you live here, with me, in this ridiculous yet oddly beautiful country, and so you're gonna have to just let me have this one.

Right-wing Yes-on-8 America, take one for the team. Team Freedom. I'm not being sarcastic this time. Thank you Ms. Jackson, I am for real. Imagine the flags blazing, Little Edie style, imagine the fireworks and Born in the USA and a landscape suited for conflict and division and hatred but simultaneously a landscape that gives us the space and the permission to diffuse all that and live life in peace. Where there is tolerance, and absence of judgment, a love will inevitably follow and that love ... is worth the struggle. Worth the letting go.

We have a chance, you guys. We have a chance to turn this all around. I've not learned much in my life from the government of these united States but I've learned this: 1. money is the stupidest thing ever, 2. war is retarded, 3. hope is sexy and 4. sex is hopeful.

Let's yearn, kids. Let's roam free with all our division and religion and misguided pretentious self-serving ideals. Let's let everyone do what they want with their lives and not tell other people what they can or cannot do. 'Cause this is America, yeah? We're Pilgrims and "Indians," ready for dinner?

I mean can you imagine if on November 4th we give IDEALS a bailout package? What I'm saying is no matter what crashes or breaks or shatters to never ever be fixed again, I hope this is a country where we can afford to dream. I hope we become that dream, outrageously little and better late than never and shimmering where it's shattered, glossy as glue.

[Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon at their wedding June 16th, 2008.]
Del Martin died in August at the age of 87.
An activist, Del fought for gay rights all her life,
and was finally able to marry her partner after 55 years together.
See: above.
+
donate.

8 Against 8 Day #3! I Married in the Sun! Reason 7 & Reason 6

When I started the 8 Against 8 posts, I had a lot of important things to talk about, like gay adoption and freedom (both the concept and the George Michael song). I wasn't even sure I could fit all my points into just 8 points. But I feel that I've come up with a much better reason to "vote no on 8" than anything I could ever say about civil rights, overpopulation or my gay Moms, and I'm going to make this point at the expense of having a chance to make some of the other points. Oh but first ...

... if you haven't given me your photo with a "No on 8" sign yet, I have only one question for you: why not, asshat? Get your shit together!: marielyn176@gmail.com. You can see all the total hotties who've already given me their snapshot in the most recently published post.

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#7: Rachel Getting Married

Because I do not want to live in a world where it would be illegal for "Susan" to marry Rachel Maddow, omg. I know Maddow lives in Massachusetts, but this isn't about who lives where (more on this in a second). Don't you want to marry Rachel Maddow? Everyone wants to marry Rachel Maddow. If I could get Rachel Maddow on lockdown for rest of my life, I would move to the middle of nowhere faster than Palin agreed to be in charge of the Senate. I'd give up television and also apparently trash removal services AND I would even wake up at dawn and take the dogs out to look at the sheep. Firstly, Tinkerbell loves other dogs and it would be very fun for her. Secondly, I feel I could have a break into blossom moment.

Oh right! OK! It isn't about who lives where 'cause what we can do in California is set an example for everyone else, and also you can get married there and then it'll be recognized in NYC. Arizona's fighting Proposition 102 and Florida's fighting Ammendment 2. Give them your money too.

Today the NY Times reports (in its most popular story) that Rachel Maddow has doubled the audience for MSNBC's 9 p.m. slot in a matter of days, which's apparently unheard of. But speaking of things that are unheard of, you know what I've heard alot about? That NYTimes Magazine article about Rachel Maddow. Everyone is OBSESSED. What's your favorite part? I like imagining her taking ten minutes to hook up the speakers to the laptop.

Anyhow I think it's a good thing -- Rachel Maddow. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel ... Did you know Rachel has a twitter? Listen to Rachel on gay marriage in May. Here's her Air America show, where she made a name for herself before everyone became obsessed.

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#6: 'Cause gay people can't make more people unless they really want to

In 2007, over 65,500 adopted children and 14,100 foster children were living with gay and lesbian parent. Half a million children live in foster care in the United States and more than 100,000 foster children await adoption.

I've been close to (read: dated, obvs I've got issues w/r/t saving people) three guys that were at some point put in foster care. They had horror stories -- abuse, neglect, parents who did it for the money. Even the guy who ended up, eventually, with a great family, was a total alcoholic. That's probs another story, anyhow.

It's insane to prefer placing kids with randomized asshats over placing them with the gays. Gays can't reproduce, so they generally adopt 'cause they want a kid real bad, not for the money.

On average, same-sex couples raising adopted children are older, more (formally) educated, and have more economic resources than other adoptive parents: The average household income for same-sex couples raising adopted children is $102,474, versus $81,900 for different-sex married couples, $43,746 for different-sex unmarried couples, and $36,312 for single parents. Same-sex couples hold graduate degrees at 34%, versus different-sex married couples at 13%, different-sex unmarried couples at 2% and single parents at 9%.

-Family Pride

Yeah, it's hard to have gay parents, but certainly gays are better than asshats. Also speaking from experience -- having a gay Mom did not make me want to be gay. In fact, precisely the opposite. Come on, who wants to be like their parents besides like, Rachel Maddow's future children? If Rachel Maddow was my Mom, I'd probs become gay. Anyway who cares, everyone should be gay. The earth is overpopulated, we do not need any more people, there's no food & no energy. After my agent and my therapist have their babies, that's it, it's over. No more babies. I might want one some day so I'll make an Amendment then. Also if you're reading this and you're preggers, that's fine, I support you. I hope my therapist has her baby soon so she can come back to work, I already have a lot of feelings I want to talk about.

We should clearly focus on recirculating the people we already have rather than making more. Quality not quantity. The Rosie Cruise, which I've gone on for three lovely years, is like an adopted child party, and they're all way better behaved than birthed children. You should go if you have any money left over after giving it all away to political campaigns. I don't, but that's why G-d invented credit cards.

Give me your picture or a picture of your baby. I bet your baby is against proposition 8, give your baby a sign. Once I thought I was preggers so I carried around a gourd with me, painted a face on it, named it "dumbass" and said it was my practice baby. My boyfriend and I would throw it to each other in the hall, it was funny, we even have photos with it. Clearly I can't be trusted, it's a good thing I don't sleep with dudes anymore.

I can't believe I've blogged three days in a row. Are you sick of me yet? I am. Donate. Photograph. I love you all, let's make babies.

8 Against 8: Reason Number #8 -- Bettina Getting Married

Firstly -- blogrolling is apparently down right now. I know I'm behind on updating my blogroll, but my hands are tied 'til they get their shit together. In related news, I'm barely keeping my own shit together. Luckily "frazzled" is one of my most charming personality traits, just imagine me as a haplessly endearing girl in a rom-com sporting perfect hair and a cute skirt and with bunch of papers falling out of my arms. Also imagine Tinkerbell with me, playing in the sandbox. That part's just for fun, I like to spice up the imagination sometimes.

Wouldn't it be funny if everyone came to this blog today looking for profound words against Proposition 8 and instead found me live-blogging the lyrics to "American Pie" (with typos) or waxing nostalgic about when Natalie and I lived together in college and were forced to attend "house meetings" with our eight Kappa Kappa Gammite roomates, during which we'd moan, make faces at each other, shove chipatis down our gullets and consistently vote "I don't give a shit" rather than "yay" or "nay" on all raised "household issues"? I'd live-blog "American Pie" just to be annoying, but I'd wax about Natalie & Riese's Collegiate Experience as a segue into the topic of: WE JUST SIGNED A LEASE!!! I know, right? What kind of landlord would give us a lease for a three bedroom apartment? Well, Natalie is very charming.

Now we need:
-A subletter who can pay $1,000 month for a gigantic room in Morningside Heights.
-A giant truck
-2-3 giant burly people with a truck
-a bed for the room we're gonna sublet
-Natalie has some crazy ideas about houseplants.

Anyway back to THE CAUSE. 8 Against 8! Firstly -- please please please send me your photos for the 8 Against 8 cyberquilt. If you do, you'll be entered in a drawing to win fun prizes like The L Word Season Five DVD and an Auto-Insomnia 'Zine, plus you'll be part of a really cool art project that will last for eternity and maybe get us onto a big website to drive visibility. Donate to 8 Against 8.

But, wait – there’s more! We don’t want to focus on just us! Queers in other states are fighting for their rights too – Arizona is fighting Prop 102 – and they need your help. Florida has to contend with fighting off Amendment 2. They need our help too!
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(L to R, row-by-row:
a;ex vega, carly, rachel,
natalie, haviland, riese,
vashti, stef, tinkerbell,
marlene , suzanna, eric
krista, rebecca, autumn,
laura, ms. jackson, jack,
renee, milly & georgia of lesbilicious uk, gemma)
++

Reason #8: Because Angelica would make a really cute flower girl

Don't Bette and Tina deserve the same farewell party that all golden couples receive in the finale episode of popular hour-long drama television serieses (what is the plural for "series"? "Seri"? "Meese"?): A WEDDING?

I mean a real wedding. This might not be popular to say but look, it's not just a word. Have you ever been to a commitment ceremony? Watching Pedro get married on The Real World dosen't count.

Commitment ceremonies are beautiful. There are, for example, flowers. Everyone dresses up and heaps praise -- maybe even sometimes too much -- on top of topics like the loveliness of the brides/grooms & the chldren, of the house and the lawn and the sky's implicit endorsement of this special union and the whole wide world and the burning bruised apple of love as it exists, ripe and occasionally rotten enough to make the ripeness sweeter, between two people who love each other no matter what the conservative right wing has to say about it.

But yeah ... it's just not like the real thing. I've been to two -- my Moms' and a server friend from the Mac Grill. They were both quite lovely, the second one involved more alcohol, which was awesome, but I got blisters and then later we all got supertrashed at the Holiday Inn, which is everything a Jackson, Michigan wedding was ever meant to be.

I mean -- granted, if this passes, and we're back to where we started from in California, then I'll go along with what we must do which will be to pretend that civil unions (or just symbolic commitment ceremonies) are just as good. Marriage is just word, but it's the word that births men and wives and ex-wifes and stepsons and all kinds of positions we play and that are interchangeable, mostly, with gender. If it's not for the country to decide, then we shouldn't be deciding it for straights either (but that's another story). If we go back to where we were, I'll say it doesn't matter. I'll say it's just a word.

But I will know that to claim language precludes definition is problematic. We say -- "just a word," "it's only words," etc. "Just my word." But words aren't just words, words really matter, words are not just words for specific things but words for all the other words that need that thing, that coexist with or for it. Because how can we expect our families, loved ones and co-workers to take us seriously before the law does? They can still choose to disapprove, but it's not as easy to convince your homophobic sister to come to a commitment ceremony that is simply that -- a ceremony -- than it would be to convince her to come to your real legitimate wedding, you know -- the kind that matter like Donna & David's and Luke & Laura's and your sister & her punk-ass husband.

There is the risk that it might seem a little silly to those who already find homosexuality sick or less significant. There is the fact that running away at the altar lacks gravity when it's just symbolism you're dashing from, not reality.

I don't, of course, mean disrespect to anyone who chooses this route -- straight or gay. But personally, I'd like to have the same choice everyone else does. I don't just want the symbolism. I want the paper, and the rights, and all that. I want it to be just as "real" in every way as it would be to marry a man.

Which brings me back to my point (per ush, the intro is taking longer than the point): like Seth and Summer, David and Donna, etc, The L Word should end with a Bettina wedding! A REAL ONE!

Then Henry can come and pound on the window and be like "TINAAA!" and Papi and her girls can go kick his backne-d ass, and Shane can almost cry and Alice can be like "Is that a tear?" and Shane can be like, "No," all self-conscious, but that's 'cause she's thinking about her new girlfriend Jenny and/or her lost love, Carmen De La Pica Morales, who she left at the altar. After the Bettina wedding, Shane will do a lot of coke and have hot sex with Cherie Jaffee in the backseat of her Jeep and then they'll drive off into the sunset while Bette gives Tina a triple orgasm following about two seconds of penetration [and I hope also] external stimulation.

Also, would Shane have had the cojones to leave Carmen at the altar if there'd been something legal-in-America at stake -- would she have been so quick to agree in the first place or to disappear? If your Mom already thinks your relationship with your girlfriend is just like playing house, than good luck getting her to listen to you cry about being left at a symbolic altar rather than an actual one.

I mean basically what I'm saying is that California martial law made it possible for Ilene to whip out such a terrible sad plot device.

Commitment ceremonies are earnest and lovely things, but you must rally vast quantities of hope and belief to participate. It sometimes feels like we've all agreed to play a part in an all-day role-playing festival. And all the cakes and the hired help can't shake the feeling that there's something implicitly second-rate about not having the underlying formality that straights accept as their goddess-given right.

Also, as I would like for my own wedding one day, it would be ideal if the Bettina wedding could be like Miss Piggy and Kermit's wedding, with the same song. Also, I would prefer if Proposition 8 included a clause prohibiting Betty from playing at the wedding. I'm sure Kit Porter can get a witness. OMG, how hot would it be if Snoop Dog played the wedding? I should be a fake wedding planner. I'll make a graphic later probs, but I gots to get back to work y'all.

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Oh but one more thing!

If you know me, you know that I've made every attempt possible to get AfterEllen to link to me, finally determining that even if I'd sculpted a life-size replica of Sarah Warn out of butter and/or ice, or made a vlog about Jodie Foster and Buffy the Vampire Slayer's secret love affair, there's really no possibly way they would ever, ever, ever link to me. If I'd married Ellen DeGeneres they would've had to claim full story rights had gone to The L World Online. It's like an Oprah-Dave thing. One day Sarah Warn will call me in to interview me on all my topics of expertise, e.g., my own navel, string cheese.

But finally! Yes! My moment in the sun has come! See guys, amazing things happen every day, and defeating Proposition 8 will be one of those things. So donate, please, and send me your photo. ALL OF YOU!