Wednesday, June 25, 2008

We Will We Will VLOG You

So much footage and so little time! Speaking of time: time has a way of ticking on, 'cause of clocks, and before long it'll be Thursday night and The Rockford Peaches (a prestigious team including all-stars like me, Carly, Caitlin and Alex) will be playing their second basketball game in reportedly ugly shirts. I missed the first game, which was probs best for everyone. In this vlog, we discuss our impending athletic doom (facilitated by Carly, who roped us into a NYC Professionals Basketball League even though I'm defo not a professional. I actually thought it was a lesbian league, which'd mean all the players are bonded by sexuality and therefore not implying particular athletic prowess by participating. This is not the case. Mostly, we're hoping it'll provide fodder to make fun of each other afterwards).

Also, Haviland's here, we snatched her up at the airport on Monday night at about two hours past my [aimed-for, but never achieved] bedtime. The whole place smelled like B.O., but we waited, which is true love/friendship, clearly.
Riese: "I'm gonna sweat so much at the basketball game, it's gonna look like I just took a shower in all my clothes within 20 seconds of the first quarter. I'm gonna be like the Swamp Thing."
Caitlin: "Everyone will be sweating."
Riese: "No one will be sweating as much as me."
Haviland: "Riese, you published an article in MARIE CLAIRE about how much you sweat. You won a sweating award. I think everyone's fully aware that you have hyperhidrosis and will be sweating."
Riese: "They'll probs just think I'm a cokehead."
Caitlin: [does the groan she does that means the same thing as Haviland's "Really Riese? Really?"]
As I've mentioned probs 500 times this week, I haven't played basketball since my 5th-8th grade tenure on The Emerson Eagles, which concluded just before puberty (I was a late bloomer). We played spring ball in a Rec league & fall ball in a special private school league, and managed to lose every single game except one. Emerson performed a lot better in Mathletes, Quiz Bowl and Magic the Gathering than it did in girls' b-ball.

So. Today I have this pebble for you. A vlog of some quality featuring Carlytron & Matthew as well as never-before-seen footage starring Haviland and Alex. This is what's in it:

1. Discussion about Incest.
2. Haviland's reading of Supr's supreme drunken comment from autowin.
3. Our basketball team.
4. A preview of our basketball game.

And also, so much more.


supr said...

wow. im honoured/embarrassed/entirely too sober to watch my drunken ramblings read by one miss Haviland Stillwell. happy basketball to you guys, i look forward to reading about how the games go.

MoonKiller said...

'my [aimed-for, but never achieved] bedtime' story of my life.

I had a dream about basketball the other day. I was playing for Spurs and we got to the NBA Finals but then I woke up.

Havilands face after say 'I like to live on the edge' is hi-larious.

Dave-Jay Lozo said...

1. Marie believes incest babies are born on the Oregon Trail, apparently.

2. Forty percent of your starting five will be hurt before halftime. Don't forget -- my coaching services have been extended. You guys are so not butch enough to contend in this league without me. I'm very butch.

3. This Pepsi I'm drinking is crisp and refreshing.

carlytron said...

Wait, Lozo offered coaching services?? You guys, we might want to take him up on that...

I'm gonna go buy some Jordans after work.

eric mathew said...

hi ladies. i'm not drunk... just really hunrgy and my fingers feel like the dont weigh much so it is taking a while to type this. anyway... i am getting really impressed with the integration of footage with the regular stuff. its just very moving. i am excited about your team name, it reminds me of when my friends madonna, rosie and geena made a movie together. oh the 90's. anyway, if lozo is giving coaching advice i will be team mom and bring juice boxes and oranges with fruit roll-ups for after the game. BUT only after the game.

riese said...

supr - Ok, please get drunk later, watch the vlog, and then let us know what you think. twice, even. You know, whatevs.

Also, I can tell you right now how the games are gonna go: I'm gonna sweat so much that the ball will roll right off me like water off a dolphin's back. That was a good metaphor, I know. Thank me later. Maybe in a comment, when you're drunk. Twice?

moonkiller: Your dream about the spurs reminds me of when I went to see the mighty ducks II and then the screen died right before he tried to shoot the final goal.

I feel like aiming for midnight is the only thing that gets me in bed by three. If I aimed for three, I might not sleep 'til 5. Or so I tell myself.

Dj Lozotron: Well, I feel like you eat a lot of unclean babies on the oregon trail and everyone is always dying of cholera, which we all know is "complications from advanced HIV."

Re: Pepsi. Are you a fan? My cousin is. She got me into this whole mess.

Re: Really? You can coach our team ... even with that nice shoulder of yours etc?

carlytron: Yeah I was thinking about how all my basketball coaches were lesbians and we never won, and maybe we need to bring in some straight male talent.

I'll be wearing my Converse, like um, the people who existed before us. Cait and I are gonna get pumps, that'll change the game probs real soon.

eric matthew: Ok, first step: eat a sandwich. I can tell you right now (and maybe did already, probs in December 2006, when I wrote a post that included something about um ... starving and flying) that starving feels good for about an hour and then sucks.

Also, I sent a group email that no-one responded to in response to Carly's email about our game last night that referenced my need for Capri Sun and orange slices. But no one cares. So please be at the Hunter gym tomorrow night, circa 9pm, post-game, to drench me with water that'll make me look like it isn't sweat, just water.

caitlin said...

i have never been prouder to know you. srsly, this was amazing. there are so many things that are amazing about this that i do not know where to start. mainly though, we need lozo, i'll bring the capri suns, and if don't win, i am going to kick something. just fyi. additionally and finally, the editing on this was amazing, incest is disgusting, i love pepsi! and you!!

caitlin said...

also, the faces haviland makes in this are completely amazing. also, i have sunblock in my car cause of hps. i'm so glad we're friends. just sharing with the group on the interwebs.. GO PEACHES!!!

mayginbigphun said...

obviously incest is disgusting, but i take it personally that caitlin agrees.

also, i get really shy about hitting reply all so sarah is the only person who saw my comments on the basketball emails but i'll summarize them here:

1. i (really, really) hope i get one of the medium jerseys. i've been thinking about it for days. i'm obsessed.
2. i prefer orange slices to capri sun and cold towels.
3. i hope everyone knows that i'm really, really (REALLY) bad at basketball.
4. i hope everyone is comfortable with the fact that i am a lou pinella-esque bad sport and am liable to foul out of every game.

see you tomorrow. i'll be the pale, awkward red head in her brand new starburys.

A. said...

Oh would someone please film that basketball game? I have a feeling it'll be like an uncoordinated ballet.

Your love for Pepsi has been amusing me all day.

stef said...

oh sweet, i legitimately asked cait today if the other b-ball teams came up to you like 'WHAT YOU DOIN' RODEO?' and you were like "SHOPPIN', BITCH!"... obvs this is the case.

i wear sunblock EVERY DAY! it takes a lot of EFFORT.

this is as good as my drunk comments get.. it's pathetic. i'll be sure to comment next time i'm on an ambien trip, but i probs won't get the word verification for the life of me.

e. said...

a) This is maybe the best vlog ever. The intro song and the editing, the blending of the still shots and the video footage, the cutting between Haviland's dramatic reading and pertinent archived footage.... Fantabulous. It's like it was specially tailored for me in all my ADD, fine-motor-hyperactive glory; watching it was like discovering the perfectly customized Starbucks beverage. Except it's too short, give us more, Riese, isn't super-sizing a cultural imperative in the Estados Unidos?

b) Omg, Flowers in the Attic! Fucked up, eh? Also incest on the Oregon Trail makes sense: what with all the cholera/dysentery casualties, those swept away at river crossings, etc., the wagon trains would dwindle and so would the gene pool, if you get my drift.

c) I rarely wear sunscreen anywhere but my face, and that's because when I was a kid and read "Lord of the Flies" I worried that when I wore glasses they would focus the sunlight onto my cheeks and toast two round spots of cancer there. Then I took those glasses and tried to start a fire with them, it didn't work but I still worried about the cancer spots. Now I worry about premature aging. I can usually get away with minimal sunscreen though, I tan beautifully, it's one of my more enviable attributes.

d) I, too, am dead chuffed at the prospect of reading about your basketball-related endeavours. Really, I have a hunch it's going to be brilliant, interesting/awesome things are lining up in anticipation of happening to you. Feeling you re: the sweating. I've found that it helps to play with a few boys, they tend to perspire more heavily than girls and care less about it, and are also less likely to take it personally when you elbow them in the boob. (Although the dousing oneself in water will do in a pinch. In reference to the sweating, not the elbowing.)

e) Orange slices are excellent, thirst-quenching and rich in vitamin C. I would take some on the Oregon Trail to prevent scurvy.

Dave Lozo said...

start using your head, marie! that's that lump three feet above your ass!

to be honest, i just want to patrol the sidelines in a suit and yell things. not mean things, just random basketball things like, "hands up!" or "watch the screen!"

besides, how else am i supposed to get into a women's locker room legally?

a;ex said...

David Jay Lozo, you better come and shout obscenities and directions at us, especially me cause I'll be lost and I need the motivation.

And yes, this vlog is incred.
Best intro ever, best outro ever.
Haviland's faces are remarkable, and I LOLed so hard during her supr reading.
Also, Alice pushing that bitches face at the end? Amazing.

I better see that happening at the game tonight. Do you think American Apparel will sponsor us? I have high hopes for our team, guys, esp now that Lozo's our coach.

Maggie said...

I quadroople love your vlogs. HIlarious. I too played basketball [very poorly] in my early high school years. Never scored a basket and get a lot of fouls but it was fun. I loved the Oregon Trail reference. I remember all I did was hunt... I would have like 400 Oxen and my whole family would be dead.

caitlin said...

lozo, your facebook picture is the best thing everrrr, since we're not facebook friends i felt like this was the next best place to tell you. please come tonight and scream "there's no crying in baseball" also "box out"

carlytron said...

lozo - please wear a suit, it will add some much-needed class and officiality to our team.

i got jordans last night guys. just sayin...

Lozo, David said...

i didn't realize i had to be there tonight. i've got shit to do tonight. plus, i don't wear a suit to work. we need to practice first, where i'll bring the team uniforms -- pasties.

ballplayers?!?! I don't have ballplayers, I've got girls. Girls are what you sleep with after the game, not what you coach during the game.

dewey said...

As you referenced suprs drunken comment i feel i escaped lightly (*dont speak too soon avril*)

I think Havilands face after your "i like to live on the edge" comment makes this video.

Anyways, laters

riese said...

caitlin: Okay, I have to tell you something; I don't think we're going to win. But I have this idea where maybe I'll be on the bench, cheering, while everyone else runs around and does things. I love pepsi too, but not as much as mosquitos love me. I'm so glad we're friends too. GO GO GADGET PEACHES!

mayginbigphun: I'm sure she meant incest is "usually" disgusting.
I've been thinking about getting one of the mediums too. I thought about calling medium on an email. MAybe I did. I wanted to be like "this girl calls automatic medium!" but then I figured, maybe I should let someone who's actually going to play get one. I'm probs worse than you. See you tonight! I'll be the pale, awkward blonde in her running shoes.

a.: I have a feeling that any basketball footage would embarrass me beyond belief. Every time I see my entire physical self trying to do anything besides sit still, I gasp. I wonder if Pepsi will sponsor our team.

stef: Oh yeah, I'm really hoping there will be some SERIOUS TRASH TALKING. It's amazing that you wear sunblock every day, I've always been in awe of the dedication. But I guess it's cause you're Hard Rock.

e. : yay! I really thought I blew my load on the intro song and then it kept on sucking.

Flowers in the Attic should've made a cameo on South of Nowhere, one of the half-sisters should've been reading it, and been like "anyway soooo ..."

It all comes back to dyssentary, like the good Carly said. I believe that. Thanks for the oregon trail tip.

The thing about sunscreen is, how am I ever going to get a tan if I have sunscreen on all the time? I'm not expecting to live past 30, so I don't think that wrinkles will be an issue.

What our team needs, for sure, is boys. Then we might win, and my sweating would pale in comparison. See that? what I did there? PALE!?!!? hahaha.

DJ Lozotron: I'm a Peach! I play for the Peaches! I don't think we have a locker room. Does that change your mind?

a;ex: I think we have an in with american apparel and with Pepsi. I wanted to get a headband from A2. I'm gonna do that Alice bitch-push myself probs, or I'm gonna be Bette on my cell-phone. No one's allowed to make fun of me until after the game. That's the first rule, I just made it.

maggie: I don't know how to spell that word, but I like "quadroople" as a better spelling, though possibly not the right spelling. I think the oxen thing must somehow be symbolic. I also got a lot of fouls and maybe scored 4 points all season.

caitlin: Hi!!!!

carlytron: I think I'm gonna wear my hiking boots. To protect my ankles.

lozostien: If I paid you a little bit more do you think you could be just a little more disgusting?

Also I'd like to state for the record that Lozo always says he's coming but never does.

dewey: See, now you're asking for it. Now we'll have to do your comment. And twice, obviously.

David Lozeaux said...

shoot me the schedule, and any footage from tonight's game to study later. my magic will be best worked on this team at a practice.