Friday Autofunday 2-27-2009

Autoportrait 2.0 is in the works. Meanwhile, let's have some cheap sharp fun. What kind of fun? Auto-fun. Everyone likes fun, if you don't like fun then next time we wanna have massive amounts of kickass fun, we won't invite you. This isn't fun so far? Well I'm listening to the Classical Masterpieces Channel on Time Warner Cable. These channels are TW's hidden gift. What if I was like, bought out by someone you knew I hated and I had to promote them all the time. If one day I woke up and was like "Top Ten Ideas for Max's Baby Shower (so excitant for Season Six)!!!"

Firstly some bizness. I've decided to change the book club book because I realize I'll never read our current selection because it is too heavy to carry in my bag and I can't afford to give one away and I like to give one away and have a contest. So I picked another book. Because I want to read it and hopefully you will want to read it too? Susan Sontag's journals, Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963. Okays. I'll give you lots of time 'cause I just started The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. I'll talk more about Reborn in the next "Stuff I've Been Reading." Don't be mad promise.

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Quote: "My eyes are vague blue, like the sky, and change all the time; they are indiscriminate but fleeting, entirely specific and disloyal, so that no one trusts me. I am always looking away. Or again at something after it has given me up. It makes me restless and that makes me unhappy, but I cannot keep them still." (from Frank O'Hara's "Meditations on an Emergency" from poetry magazine via achtung baby !)

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Links:
[let me just say these are real gems.]
- I am so excited to bring you the auto-fun today, I'm doing it so I can make you read this article in The New York Times about living with monkeys !
- Tao Lin, my financial idol, shares his secrets at UrbanElitist . E.g., "I have had part-time jobs almost continuously since college (I am 25), I think, except for maybe one year when I shoplifted batteries and Moleskine journals to sell on eBay ... since [selling my next novel's royalties] my money has come from selling pre-orders and lifetime subscriptions to books ... Christmas and Chinese New Year’s money from my parents and brother; and selling drawings, drafts of things, and various “piles of shit” from my room on eBay."
- AM Homes has a new short story at The New Yorker: "Brother on Sunday. "
- Emily Gould has a dysfunctional relationship with her old laptop. MIT's Sherry Turkle has "spent several decades studying and writing about the way mechanical objects construct and complete the self." This is really interesting stuff, you must read it. It even quotes a Meghan Daum essay I once used to teach middle school kids in rural Northern Michigan to write personal essays. The Technology Review.
- Firstly - there is a magazine called Obit. Secondly, read this: Laughing Past the Grave .
- The Unrecognizable Internet of 1996 at Slate: "People still refer to the new medium by its full name—the World Wide Web—and although you sometimes find interesting stuff here, you're constantly struck by how little there is to do. You rarely linger on the Web; your computer takes about 30 seconds to load each page, and, hey, you're paying for the Internet by the hour. Plus, you're tying up the phone line. Ten minutes after you log in, you shut down your modem. You've got other things to do—after all, a new episode of Seinfeld is on."
- Leonardo da Vinci was a serious procrastinator too .
- NPR's intriguing essay on "the art of language, Obama style ."
- This is the part where it officially becomes cool. I think it's the counter-backlash. Yoko Ono's 25 Things .

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Last week I became briefly addicted to hunting for celebrity photographs. I have no idea why, this has never been a thing that interested me before, nor could I refer to this compulsion as anything resembling "interesting." I was not being intellectually or creatively stimulated, I was not interacting with other people, I was not learning anything, or accomplishing any of my daily or life goals. Yet. One more page. One more ELLEN PAGE! Anyhow way too late in the game I discovered fanpop which incited a whole new round of gazing at celebrity photos when I had other things to do.

I've been off the sauce for four days now, I'm going to go back to Trivia Machine as my insomnia obsession. Like if I was advertising an insomnia obsession I'd say: "You know those things you do when your brain's too quick for sleep and too slow to be awake?" So. I have some holdovers from Autowin Surrenders week obsession that I will share with you, and therefore I'll feel accomplished and therefore not feel guilty anymore. See how we help each other?

"Here, let me help you, then you me, otherwise we'll die." (Stephen Dunn)

Shanyn Sossamon Good Tie Thursday
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Shanyn Sossamon -Whoodie Wednesday
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Nelly Furtado - Good Tie Thursday
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Liv Tyler - Boyshorts Tuesday
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Drew Barrymore - Finnneeee Friday
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Ellen Page - Whoodie Wednesday
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Angelina Jolie Saturday & Sunday
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My favorite hoodie of all time - Shane for Whoodie Wednesday Wax
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DJ Carlytron for Good Tie Tuesday
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TTYS!

Autowin Presents Boyshorts Tuesday

I promised you a Boyshorts Monday, but I never promised you a rose garden. Let's compromise with Boyshorts Tuesday! I want your vote. I want you to want me, and then, because you want me, I want you to want to vote for me. That's why this week I am Autowin Surrenders, just like last year's winner, Dorothy Surrenders. It's explained in my last post in more detail. There's also a funny graphic there. Hi! You're all so beautiful today.

I also hoodwinked Grace The Spot [who you're also voting for -- esp. for best humor blog] into doing a post-swap with me, but I was completely unprepared for the 605 recap taking ten thousand years to write, so therefore I'm eons behind on absolutely everything, including writing her a post and putting up the post she wrote for me. Also I am behind on my life, possibly several years behind.

This is a personal blog. Isn't that the best oxymoron ever? It's hard to write personally & publically lately because every thought in my head is a secret from someone. Because I'm so confused that I seem calmer than I've ever seemed. I'm somewhere between "gaaa" and "ommm."

So instead let's look at the girls. The thing about the word "genderfuck" is that you're fucking something and the unfolding is brave and the payoff is ... it's just hot. It's like global warming for your pride. Look, this is pretty.

If you know where I can find more/better boyshorts photos please do email me at marielyn176@gmail.com! I'll update periodically throughout the day if I find more photos.

BOYSHORTS TUESDAY!!!

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Sarah Shahi as Carmen De La Pica Morales in The L Word
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Scarlett Johanssen
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You look very Shane Today
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Rosario Dawson
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Giselle
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Jennifer Aniston

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Dania Ramirez
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Alyson Hannigan
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Carmen Electra
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Charlize Theron
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Missy Peregrym
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Mia Kirshner

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Amanda Peet
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Halle Berry
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Elizabeth Hurley
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Eva Longoria
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Paris Hilton
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Jennifer Jason Leigh
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Keira Knightley
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Mischa Barton

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Naomi Watts

Whoodie Wednesdays & This Girl Called Automatic Almost-Winner

Hello, friends. I'm in a weird mood today [and by "today" I mean "yesterday," Tuesday, when I wrote this post, not "today" as in Wednesday, when you're reading it]. [I know, how'd I manage to get a Lezzie nomination when I can barely construct a sentence?] I mean everything feels totally off. All day I've been a beast. Anyhow! Speaking of things that are ON: 'cause you're all so amazing at voting, I'm now a finalist for "Best Beast Blog" for The Lezzies. I mean "Best Personal Blog." The other two nominated blogs (Peaches & Coconuts and A Brown Girl Gone Gay) are excellent and newer. I love them both already, they're fresh young muffins of delight. Also whether you want to or not, vote for Grace the Spot for best humor blog and also for Sugarbutch for best Gender-Bender & Short Story/Erotica. Just do it, okay? Just do it. Like you would with a sneaker. Also vote for Auto-Winner Dorothy for Culture & Entertainment.

I should probably edit this blog in the morning like a proper person [UPDATE: Eh.]. You're all wonderful. Have I told you that enough? I haven't, I never could. I think blogs are magic. You've brought magic into my life. Not the rabbit stuff I could already do that.

I feel vulnerable today. I have two choices: beast or gutted.

THIS JUST IN!!! You have one choice: watch Riese & Haviland on Alexi's Closet Episode #17! (Screencap above) In this episode, it appears at times that I almost know what I'm talking about.

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I'm ready for my recession to be stimulated. Yes We Can! I've been living this self-created "what I'm doing now is perfect for now but won't be good long-term" life for quite some time now.

You know how it goes with things that were meant to be temporary and then become your whole life. Before you know it, it's been forever, you're stuck in a prologue and you can't get out of it.

Now my/our traditional state of existence has become the National Spirit, now's the time for us all to suck it up for two years, we're told these temporary measures will enable stuff getting better later. I'm down. And though it makes me itchy to think this -- because so many people don't have homes, or credit cards, or any of the wonderful support systems that I have -- my number one feeling about the Recession is that I feel like suddenly now everyone is feeling the way I've felt (alone) for the last two years or so. You know.

Lately I've been fine with putting periods at the end of questions. Maybe I've stopped expecting answers.

Tomorrow I should fix this blog post. I don't know what it is about extra attention that makes me want to talk crazy. By "fix" I mean I should write proper sentences like I went to college.

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One thing I like about this "Best Personal Blog" category is that I don't have to compete against people who rely on on external happenings/content to provide post topics. See I have to think of all these things myself. Like how can my navel lint compete with Tank Top Tuesdays or like actual news.

Did you know I've written 463 posts? That's so many. Since April 2006. I was so young then, so full of light and angel food cake. Angel food cake is bullshit cake.

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I thought it would be fun/appropriate to celebrate the nomination by asking everyone to tell me something personal they'd want to know about me, but then that seemed so ridiculously self-centered and presumptuous of me, and it seeming that way made me not want to do it. But I still think it's a good idea. Secretly.

I have a strange definition of the word "secret." Stephen Dunn said something like; there's a lie behind every lie I've told. I think.

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You know what the hardest thing about writing a personal blog is? That at any given moment absolutely anyone in the whole world you've ever known can make a decision to read as much of it as they want to and consequently email me to let me know they've read it.

There's nothing wrong with this, obvs, but it can be jarring. When someone unexpected does this I have a knee-jerk reaction to go back and look at everything I've ever written to make sure I never wrote something about them or relating to them expecting them to never read.

Any given day -- a boy I slept with in college, an ex girlfriend or boyfriend, a former roommate, relatives close and twice removed, my mother, my cousins, the girl that decided to get all up in my ex's grill, an employer, a co-worker, a former anything, the boy i loved at 13, the girl who loved me too much, the ones that got away, the muses and the dreams, the lost friends of the 90's, the one I envied, the ones who hurt me, those I've forgotten, the famous person I wrote about, the blogger I linked to, the writer I liked, an old teacher, you, you, you, you, you.

It's like imagining if your facebook page really did contain most of your book and a lot of your face and privacy settings were not an option.

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I say it's not hard to have it all out there and have my name on it -- not just my name but my face and my everything. I mostly rely on my tendency to ramble to be my main defense from ever really attracting the casual attention of someone only tentatively interested. Anyhow that's what I say but that's not true. It is really hard. But it's not as hard as like, working on a shrimping boat or something. It's hard but it's easier than not saying anything.

I don't think G-d believes in blogs. Do blogs believe in G-d? Time will tell. I tried to do handstands for you, every time I fell on you ...

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You know I genuinely think Uh Huh Her is one of my top ten favorite bands of all time. I can't imagine them ever coming out with a song I don't want to listen to. I admit that Tegan & Sara have had like 3 or 4 songs I've really disliked (Freedom, Superstar, The First, Hype -- but they're all earlier songs) so I still think they're 95% likely to make a song I want to listen to every time.

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I should do Hoodie Wednesdays instead. If it was Whoodie Wendesdays it would be better actually, then it'd be alliteration like Dorothy's, which would be perfect since she beat me last year and was nominated in like every category this year. I need to show you some photos of critters. Obviously. Critter photo time. Also vote for Dorothy in one of those three categories or more than one, she deserves it.

WHOODIE WEDNESDAYS*!
(this will be the one & only whoodie wednesday, don't get too excited.
I like words not pickshurs.)

Top Critters of the Universe Week
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Spencer is cancelled, also has a hoodie on.
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Look, I do secretly think dogs are kinda cute.
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Babypop Number #1 Critter Hoodie
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Tegan or Sara? You decide.
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Like a city, but free.
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Tasha: should wear more hoodies.
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hoodie.
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The Beautiful Margaret Cho Hoodie
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Teen Preggers Hoodie
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GO TEAM GO HOODIE!

Eight Reasons Why Not & Brain Liveblog: The Stars Kept Marching,

I feel like I've become 50% human, 20% dancer and 30% sodium. I've been thinking about opening a vein. I've decided to talk crazy because this week a much-larger-than usual percentage of my readers have never read this blog before, which's funny. Do you like it? It's weird, kinda. There's no news here. You'll have to check out the other nine for anything remotely relevant. It's like a pageant. Today is Day SIX: SWIMWEAR Bikini Day. Whenever I say the word "blog" I envision: 1. a swamp, 2. a purse. [1. Sometimes instead of talking myself through a brief period of anxiety or nervousness, I just have some vodka. It's just that it's quicker.] I don't know why I keep trying to turn numbers into humans. I'm eating sodium as we speak. Canned soup contains sodium. Things have been happening very quickly lately.

Are you reading the Book Club Book yet? Just asking, not nagging. Mommy's not mad. We'll discuss after Valentine's Day. You can download it online for free, or buy it, 'cause it's hot and comes with condoms. [2. If you don't read books regularly, I am judging you. I mean I'm so not judgmental about most things. Well -- it's not that I judge negatively necessarily, it's just that it's something I will absolutely take into account when I file your final overall evaluation (the same kinds all humans make of other humans)] [3. Today at the gym I stayed an extra ten minutes on the elliptical to finish watching True Life: I'm Moving to Vegas.]

I read some good stuff today. Wanna read it? Ok:
- Diary of a Self-Help Dropout: Flirting with the 4-Hour Workweek - the freelancer's time management quandry: "My days are like eBay shipments: a few tangible things and a whole lot of packing peanuts. I obviously need help being the boss of me." (@wired)
- If the New York Times dies, does news die? (@venture beat)
- Look! An awesome AfterEllen shout-out for voting Autowin! and Grace the Spot ! and others! Go look.
- The Gayest. Real World. Ever. (@queerty) and also on that topic is the excellent Getalong Gang (@fourfour)
- This is really fascinating, you should really read it, one of the most interesting things I've read in months, so it's gonna be the last one - Letter from Japan: I Heart Novels (@the new yorker)

I asked my brother if he notices every time it's 11:14 and he said no. I don't get it, that's all I can think about it for two minutes every day, and those are two particular minutes that I am ALWAYS awake for, since I rarely go to bed before midnight or wake up after 11.

Isn't it weird how mean everyone is to everyone about what time you wake up? It's like if you say "I woke up at one," it's so shameful. In our arbitrary virtually "real" world, we hold onto these small excuses to evaluate the fuzzy fuzzy faces of our friends.

[4.I am fascinated by the extensive facebook photo archives of complete strangers. I am fascinated by a world that encourages and enforces such imagery as inherently public forum fodder. I do it too. Which is also fascinating.]

I had a friend who used to write song lyrics in her notebook all day, like to Tori Amos and Grateful Dead and Indigo Girls songs, just transcribe the memorized lyrics from her brain to the page I guess. I liked to doodle dark hard lines.

[5. When I was super young, before I understood death really, I was sometimes shamefully jealous that Anne Frank got her's published.]

[6: I leave water bottles everywhere.]

[7: I wash utensils last, I don't like how the metal gets hot and burns my hands, because in all other circumstances my hands are immune to heat and burning, I'm not into kryptonite.]

[8: I know we're all supposed to be cutting back on lattes and magazines, but those are the only two things I really need.]

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Eric Mathew made this for me, do you like it?

He told me it's gonna be on a billboard in Times Square tomorrow. I wish I could write a "fuck you penguin" for this, but fuck you penguin is a much better writer than I will ever be. I'd like to become an authority on the internet so that I can declare "fuck you penguin is the best blog to ever exist on the interwebs, and the best possible usage of the technologies of the world wide web" and be quoted somewhere, like in the header. Also cat, just because you've got your paws all over my favorite fucking machine in the whole entire world and one of the machine's components is also a pun does NOT mean I can just take a fucking Sudafed and get over it, yes I'm aware it's non-drowsy, but the thing is -- because I know that you shed! It looks cute now but will not look cute when you shed all over my favorite fucking machine, don't read my email. vote, like the cute cat says.
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I just wanted a grilled cheese sandwich so I made one and now I'm eating it. It's midnight.

OK I'm gonna ask you guys a question.
If you're reading this,
you should answer.
You don't have to put your name. It'd just be interesting.

Q: In one sentence or less, what is one thing you are absolutely sure that you are genuinely good at?

Oh ElleGirl, You're Such a Tease! No, really, stop it! Oh, I'm gonna LMAO! OMG now I'm crying. Fuck.

It's hard to be so forward-thinking and mega-trendy that everything I love gets canceled (it all began with a little television program known as My So-Called Life), but I manage to find and adore these sinking ships again and again---lately it's been happening with magazines. I adored Radar, and Radar closed after only three tantalizing issues. But I wasn't expecting a long-term relationship from Radar--it'd broken my heart before, so I'd never allowed myself to relax and get comfortable. I wasn't expecting Radar to be there for me in the morning. I didn't expect commitment from Radar. Radar was a "fun while it lasts" sort of thing. You know, like Rayanne Graff.

But ELLEgirl. Oh, ELLEgirl!! ELLEgirl had the backing of a mama mag that's managed to totally outlast it's own slide into an identity crisis and current irrelevance (Ashlee Simpson? Really?!) and I know high school girls love magazines, because when I was in high school, I would practically orgasm on the school bus in anticipation of my Seventeen waiting earnestly in my mailbox. (This was pre-digital age though, so I couldn't just go home and like, find a prom date on myspace or whatever it is kids do these days, and there was no AIM so I had to like, call my friends from my parents' phone and it wasn't even cordless) But I read it on Gawker: ElleGirl will be abandoning its print magazine after the June/July issue to "increase its investment with the brand's digital format."

Right. Last I checked, this "digital format" isn't exactly going to fit in the plastic book-holder-binder-thingie I put over the stairmaster to read magazines while I "work out" at New York Sports Club. NYSC did install those "sports network entertainment systems" in like, 2001, but the web browser didn't work then and it doesn't work now, not like I could click around while I'm working out so hard anyhow. (In fact, like an overgrown Putt-Putt course with depressed elves and moldy astroturf, the NYSC televisions have actually been degenerating with time--In addition to never reaching their alleged potential as a web browser/shopping screen/digital cable portal/personal trainer/or something, every TV has it's own special problem, be it "no volume" or, perhaps "all the channels below 14 are fuzzy" or "only shows Telemundo." Whatever. That's another complaint for another day.)

For now; let me tell you why ELLEgirl rocked my mag-lovin' world.

1. I've never managed to sit through an entire episode of Gilmore Girls, but every EG cover-girl reminds me of Rory Gilmore. I mean, Emma Roberts? Emma Watson? Amanda Bynes? Who the hell are those girls? Hogwarts! I don't know, but I bet they had a debutante party, and she probably invited Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, and all the other girls who smoke Newports and skip class. It's better than pink lemonade lip smackers! MMMM.


2. Okay, fo' real now: ElleGirl had seriously realistic trendy solid fashion advice. As a 24 year old livin' in the 11211 (which means that my style must reflect the "eternal youth" and "striking fashion foresight" of my hipster peers) I was way into their mildly-expensive (think Free People pants, Abercrombie top, H+M belt, Stuart Weitzman shoes and Cynthia Rowley necklace) and super-fun fashion layouts. The mag contained practical and affordable beauty advice for those of us who want to look like "ballsy chick rockers" or "mod, not punk." (e.g., me.) Some fashion pages, like this month's "Oz Fest" have cute lines like: "Girl knew the Yellow Brick Road was nothing but an endless catwalk." HOLLA!

3. This month--much like a boyfriend who cooks you a three-course meal the night before he moves to Bangladesh--ELLEgirl did three amazing things; They produced a fashion layout on how to "go tough and androgynous," featuring tomboy styles (aka Marie's Killa Sporty Spice Style) AND interviewed Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who was amazing in Mysterious Skin and I crushed on him hard-core in 3rd Rock from the Sun too AND this month's check-in with the four token girls of the "class of 2008" was titled: PIERCINGS AND BIRTH CONTROL. Eat that, North Dakota. Also Kelly, one of the girls, has an ex-boyfriend named "Ever."

4. Their little is-this-Avril-Lavigne's-diary-or-is-it-ELLEgirl cover quotes are nothing short of genuis. Scrawled in Authentic Teen Handwriting over a uni-toned body part of the cover girl, these quotes include gems like this one from Amanda Bynes: "There is nothing less attractive than a guy who is a jerk and has an ego." True dat, Mandy. But how about this, Dear Abby--I mean, Amanda--what if he smells, too? That's worse. Seriously. That's like, the ugly smelly icing on your unattractive cake.

5. It costs $1.99. I dare you to find a Starbucks that'll serve you hot water for less than a $1.99. It reminds me of when I was a kid--you know, ten years before Harry Potter's girlfriend was born--and a lot of things cost $1.99. Back then, ELLEgirl would've been like, $1.00, which is even cheaper.

6. Sometimes, like for example at editorial meetings at nerve.com, where I interned last fall, I would start a sentence with "I read in ELLEgirl that..." etc etc, and though some knowing souls would raise an eyebrow, I think some people thought I was saying L-Girl, which could be like, a hip lesbian magazine or something.

7. It's association with my former favorite show, America's Next Top Model. However, after Ty-Ty kicked Kim off the show, I would've cited the relationship to ANTM as a strike against ELLEgirl, but then they started running these amazing ads with the whole cast, including my girlfriend Kim.

8. It's like, if Jane and Sassy had a slightly less ironic cousin, she would be ELLEgirl.

9. According to their Kinsey-esque groundbreaking sex survey, 8% of readers are bisexual. You can easily double that (because they're kids, so you know, a lot are still in denial), which makes a lot of little bisexual cuties! Not to mention the 19% who've had a homosexual experience...which is like, right below the 30% who've had sex. So basically, most of the girls who are like, interested in sex at all, are already getting some girl-on-girl action. And you know what that means? Everyone is gay. Yay pride!

10. "Where did you Get That?", which is like "Look Book" High School Style, asks random girls on the street (I'm not sure how they do this, because they're stopping girls in like Texas, and L.A, and everywhere, so they probably have like, nationwide fashion spies, which is pretty intense, you know?) where they go their clothes. Sometimes, the girls go the extra step and define their style (as it is at the age of 15 or whatnot), which I think is really super awesome. here's some examples (you already know mine, see #3): "laid back but fun," "bohemian and chill," "the indie-rock boho look" and "pretty preppy."

All this self assurance!...and now we're getting...fucking ringtones? Weren't special ringtones deemed Officially Annoying in like, 2004? Or whenever the three millionth customer downloaded the Sex and the City theme song for when their "girlfriends" called? Ringtones! Ringtones.

Also, they had kinda good articles. G-d, it's just so cute, and it hurts to see something like that just fade away like dust in the wind, as they would say on the catwalk.

Okay, G-d? Check this out. These are my ten favorite magazines. Please don't cancel any of them.
New York Magazine, Marie Claire, Glamour, Allure, Bitch, Bust, Poets+Writers, Curve, Esquire, Women's Health.