Wednesday, April 09, 2008

It's a Top 10 List of Things that Move Me the Most, Bother Me the Most, Scare Me the Most

Leisurely reader: you don't need me to swear that I longed for this blog, born out of my little brain & navel, to be the most smokin' hot baby imaginable, the most purple, the most intelligent and quasi-intellectual. But could I contradict the natural order of things? Like creates like.

So what could my emotional, mediated/oft-intoxicated "wit" give birth to except the history of a hysterical child, over-metabolised, whining, its head stuffed with all kinds of thoughts no one else would even think of, like a girl bred in an emo cave of her own design, where everything grates on your nerves and every new sound (for example the men drilling giant holes on my sidewalk who woke me up this morning), makes you still sadder. Other circumstances (e.g., flying lesbians, L Word character development, fresh fruit, kind awakenings, tranquil spirit) would turn even the most sterile Muses fertile, filling the world with almost-hipsterish, consistent, honest and well-bred offspring. But instead ... we have Auto-Win. Who is here to celebrate.

Yes! Two years ago April 8th, in order to best allow you to make the acquaintance of such a noble/honorable knight, the celebrated Sancho/MLB [not major league baseball or the modern languages building] began writing a blog called "This Girl called Automatic Win." 1

Actually, my motivations for beginning this blog, as I'm sure most of you know by now, isn't related to extolling virtues, it was 'cause my roommate/everything at the time (as in -- "everything a person can be to another person," including best friend & co-worker) (this is a common recipe for disaster) had a blog, and so I wanted a blog too. She had other things I wanted too, like rock-hard abs, black legwarmers, rhythm, a savings account, reasonably sized feet, a functional bicycle and usually a large bag of miniature candy bars. Aside from the legwarmers, which I took and still have, I couldn't have any of those things. But I could have A BLOG! I was very mature then, just as I'm very mature now, and I do not covet, just like Moses told me to. Actually, yeah I do.

[Also I haven't rocked the legwarmers in a while, 'cause I haven't worn a skirt and/or dress in a while, 'cause I have short hair now and I feel like girls with short hair in dresses always remind me of Seasons 1-3 Miranda. Miranda is obvs my favorite SATC character: she's got the best comebacks/one-liners, reminds me of me, and let's face it -- I'm no Charlotte, and Carrie & Samantha are annoying. Howevs, somehow her overall look's always suggested something self-consciously "power-wifey," like the "Before" Nicole Kidman in The Stepford Wives remake or a female newscaster from the early 90's w/shoulderpads or a politician. You know what I mean? Mainly, the thing is that I'm 26, not 46 or even 36. I don't expect to live past 56, so I've gotta harvest my rosebuds while I may, etc.

The point is that starting around Season Four, Cynthia Nixon's undoubtable hotness finally came out of the closet via a new improved haircut that suited her overall look and the format of television itself quite well:

Does everyone get my point? How'd I start talking about Miranda? Oh yes. Skirts --> legwarmers ---> blog.]

So I've been trying to think of a Sunday Top Ten topic that relates to the Second Bloggiversary without being like a VH1 special for myself. Like you know they're just ACHING at VH1 for 2010 so they can start filming "We Love the Aughts." I'd pondered "Top Ten Moments on My Blog of the Last Year," or something equally self-obsessed ... but I did already do a Best of the Top Tens post, and a few Year in Review posts, so really, how much more can I possibly indulge in the self-reflexive navel-gazing related instant nostalgia you've come to expect here at Auto-Win?

OMG, So Much More!!!!

Sunday Top Ten: All The Top Tens I Thought About Writing In Honor of the Bloggiversary, But Then, Obvs Didn't
[Or, "The Soul's Agents"]
[Or, "An Autowin Buffet! Something for Everyone!]

[This post isn't going to flow upon your readership perfectly but I'm hoping, and therefore telling you, that it's worth it.]
[This is a long one.]

"Every night before bed, say for a week, / we recommend admitting a lie / or a deception, sotto voice, a rogue's prayer /
to the soul you know you have, / no matter how tattered or dormant.

Trust us, your secrets differentiate you
from no one, but the soul awakens
a little when it hears them."

10. Thunder Perfect Autowin/ Top 10 Paradoxes

"And if only you could raise / your hypocrisy to the level of art, / like forgery, there might be / real hope for you."
In December, Stef and A;ex did a vlog with us for Cait, who's shoulder wasn't feeling nice. After filming, sitting in the hallway, A;ex said to me, dead serious, re: the vlogging experience: "I thought I'd lost you there for a minute."

That night was the first time I'd declared I wanted to stop vlogging, but I was convinced by my comrades to soldier on. Last week sometime, A;ex and Cait were talking about how truly weird it is -- the way Hav & I change when the camera goes on. Hav's a professional, obvs, but for me I guess it's protection ... a "character," 'cause that open revelation of physicality felt too personal for me. I'd nixed footage from the car on the night Hav met Lozo 'cause it felt too "real," and did attempt to halt "Uh Huh ... Her?" production once too. Thank G-d I didn't, 'cause that prize pack probs has a genie in it, and I hope a few posters/real dolls.

Speaking of "real" dolls ... I'm not sure what the "real" me is ["real" is a problematic term ... "authentic"? "full"?] As my profile suggests, I do not know who I am. I don't know what that means -- it's not that I'm just growing up, it's that I change my mind a lot. It's that until the age of 14, I wanted to be an actress. 'Til 18: filmmaker. Now: marine biologist. JK, I just liked Sea World a lot once.

So now that Haviland's in L.A., why am I still vlogging? Clearly being on camera is more her thing. Well ... follow-through. Is an interest. And it's fun! It's fun now, w/various guest vloggers. But mostly: I la-la-love editing, it's like my number one favorite activity. I like the feedback, it's another way to be "known" in this performance art liveblog known as um, whatever this is. I find it interesting. I love that it's brought new readers/audience, which I didn't expect (for people to watch the vlogs independently from reading this, like that they'd be entertaining enough on their own?). Different circumstances, different formats or media, calls for different attitudes.

And y'know, there's that "lonely little lez in Iowa" ... 'cause I wonder, always, if I'd seen Shane as an adolescent and believed that there were lesbians out there who weren't just like my Mom or her friends, if maybe that would've changed everything.

But also, clearly that is also me, even if it's not all of me. What is the "real me" anyhow? Can it be a lot of things, or is that a lie? I often gravitate towards very specific & self-assured people, maybe 'cause I want clues of how to be so sure of myself, because I'm a Sancho at heart, never a real knight. Childhood and adolescence demands a choice, adulthood I hope offers more freedom.

'Cause paradox, contradiction, inner conflict ... is my bag. Because I am also opposites. Because that's why I feel like I'm always lying, which is consequently why I feel the need. To talk so much. "This is what I just said, but [this] is what I meant." [pause] "No. [this] is what I meant."

To start with, "pop" culture vs. "high" culture. Bisexuality. Like You vs. Like Everyone. Insecure vs. Sure. Smart vs. Vapid. Ambitious vs. Depressive. And so on. I feel howevs that I've possibly discussed this so much that I must've done a Top Ten about it at some point?

9. Top Ten Things I Don't Say, Haven't Said
"Some people of course expect / to be rewarded for stumbling / and rising from the floor / and stumbling again, but we give / no credit for living."

Our culture, now, is very "Behind the Music." This "what can I avoid saying? what do people know anyway?" complex has clear origins: meeting people in 3-D via blog who say "I thought ____ was happening, but I would never have said so, or asked" (and it was) (or wasn't), the occasional succession of questions via comment or email, some interesting reader survey responses, the fact that I feel -- because I read too much into everything myself -- that some things are obvious, that I don't need to say them, but also realize, no-one's paying nearly as much attention as I am (to myself). I've lately started to assume that no-one assumes anything really. Do you?

8. There Are Beautiful Things I Want to Dispose Of [reader suggested topic]
"We favor vitality / over goodness, even over effort;"

Sometimes I obtain books I've already read just to have my own copy. For example, I borrowed "The Year of Magical Thinking" (Joan Didion) from Krista, "I Am Not Myself These Days" (Josh Kilmer-Purcell) from Lo, "Appetites" (Caroline Knapp) from the public library, "Girl" (Blake Nelson) from Kristyna in 10th grade. Then I'll see a copy at a used bookstore and think, well, I'd like to have my own copy. But it has no underlines. Now, I rarely borrow books I intend to return. I haven't forgotten ... I just cracked the spine, dog-eared the pages and possibly also underlined.

I gave up tight jeans about six months ago. I keep them, in case I give up baggy jeans again. History would suggest role reversal could occur at any moment, I'd like to be prepared/budget about it.

Once, my legendary (and presently radio silent) high school soulmate/BFF/everything sold all his clothing and possessions and moved to Africa. I'd like to do that, but maybe stay here. Just to prove that I can. But what if I can't?

I just found a Calvin Klien tag for a push-up bra. $36.00. Underneath the iconic font spelling out "Calvin Klien," handwriting reads: "Aspects of a Theory of Syntax (1957)."

Sometimes people would give me earrings as gifts, though I didn't have my ears pierced. Being female, I guess, was enough.

I have a file in my file folder called "The Way We Were." Some happy, some sad.

7. Top 10 Most Important Autowin Moments since April 8th, 2007
"'we love a great belly laugh / more than anything."

1 be my intern (may 07), 2 breakup (june 07), 3 living it out (july 07),
4 we're alright we're up all night, and y'all emerged from the vortex (august 07)
5 the big reveal (august 07), 6 first vlog (oct. 07)
7 getting fired (deleting my entire blog and then re-posting it) (oct 07),
8 renewal (nov 07)
9 visiting the actual carousel of progress, obvs (feb 08).
10 because i heard from a lot of you i hadn't heard from in a while (march 08).

The problem is, I don't think that's true, I think I'm picking the wrong things and missing things, and even thinking about this list makes my head hurt and then it makes me feel too self-centered anyhow, so I have to stop.

6. Top 10 Things That Have Changed Since April 8th, 2007
"In your case we do worry / there may not be enough / quarrel in you, or enough courage / to acknowledge your worst inclinations."

I live somewhere new now. I'm sick of hearing gunshots all the time. Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I just saw someone get shot, 'cause maybe it's not hearing shots but the sense of impending doom that one day I will see it happen, but then I remember when they shot her up at the hospital, and that it made me so sick/sad that I fell on the floor too, and sobbed, and then they made me leave, and then I realize I couldn't handle witnessing a bullet from a gun, could I. I don't wanna see people go down. What did the hands feel like? and about the hearts. could you feel their hearts beating beneath their chests?

I cut my hair so I'd stop being heckled, so I could pass for a boy in the dark & winter, or at least a lesbian in the light & spring. I no longer purchase unlimited metrocards. There is Tegan & Sara.

Oh ...

I might, in fact, argue: everything, absolutely everything.

"Know that the soul converts them / into tenderness. Nothing pleases it more."

So, I was reading my friend's post about April's cruelty and thought I would like to somehow
write about the concentrated succession of tragedies upon single beings [not referring, here, to a specific being [unfortunately, I am referring to life generally as I know it but also to many specific beings], but I don't know enough grammar to tell you what I mean] without naming tragedies.

5a. And realize this:
That I grew up in a swamp of it (my mother: her parents divorced, her father disappeared, mother died at 14, raised by grandparents who died, her father reappeared, then died, she divorced, her ex-husband died, my father: nothing much, 'til his own. i don't know if that's fair or not, my suspicion is that life isn't). Therefore, wasn't expecting otherwise, necessarily, though I was hoping and still believed -- until about a year ago [a feeling that's grown stronger and stronger still] -- that there was a certain amount of order to be expected. I no longer believe in such things.

All you can do, as a woman once said in a suprisingly wise moment of a vlog, is "just wait for the next joke. So we should just try to laugh and make out as much as possible."

4. Top 10 Things I Talk About But Maybe Shouldn't, Due to Technical Problems, like Actual Lack of Authority
"So next week why not admit / that what Raskolnikov did / has always made you dream?"

Why not admit that I didn't know who Raskolnikov was, so I googled him, and found him on Wikipedia, and, in lieu of ever actually reading Crime & Punishment: yes, I find what he did [according to the good people at Wikipedia] dreamy. It's the dream of being right enough to take an axe to it, right? I often dream of losing my teeth or being inconveniently naked, I still dream in clichè.

This topic I thought of when Slicey (of The L Word Online) asked me how, if I claim to never watch teevee, I know so much about pop culture. I thought I could do a list of things I talk about unknowingly -- shows I've seen 0-6 times but still speak of with authority, like Tila Tequila, The Office, Heroes, Sugar Rush etc. The answer is: I read a lot about pop culture and therefore feel like I know more about it than I do, I watched A LOT of television in the mid-nineties, and the shows that I do know, I KNOW -- The L Word, West Wing, Six Feet Under, My So-Called Life, Queer as Folk, Sex and the City, Beverly Hills 90210, Dawson's Creek. Also I'm compulsive and generally watch entire seasons of one show in one weekend via DVD. Also, I watch TV at the gym, that's how I've seen America's Next Top Model and Tila Tequila.

Also: I don't know, really, actually. I just do? It's just that I rarely sit down and watch, though I guess maybe it's just on sometimes. I really don't know.

3. What Was Life Like Before _____?
"The more you explore yourself / the more you become unrecognizable."

Let me confess: Tinkerbell was an impulse buy. We debated returning Tinkerbell, due to concerns related to value vs. cost. I'm so glad we trusted the impulse. Cait asked a few days ago, "What was life like before Tinkerbell? I can't remember, what did we do?" I think I generally put words in my friends' mouths, instead of Tinkerbell's. If I wanted to hide something I swallowed a capsule like Maria Full of Grace. JK, there's never anything good in Tinkerbell's purse-pouch. Seriously, never.
Even though I was almost always living elsewhere, I still had a room at my Mom's 'til about '02, and the last time I stayed there for long was for about six weeks in the summer of 2000, between living in NYC and moving on to campus at U-Mich. An old friend came over w/a bottle of wine -- a jug, really, and we finished it, and then I hid the empty bottle in this storage bin/headboard which was filled with stuffed animals.

I couldn't put it w/the rest of the recycling. I don't know how I planned to hide it from my mother forever, or what consequences I expected if she'd found it. Sometimes it's hard to remember life pre-21. I guess that's for a lot of reasons. Anyhow, I still do that. I don't know why. Now that I've confessed this, I'll have to stop, 'cause my friends might look in my closet and wonder why there's an empty wine bottle next to the sheets. Then, before they can think about it too hard, they'll be on the ground wondering what large soft object just fell on their head. Srsly don't open the closet.

2. Top 10 Most Important Things to The Very Existence of Autowin

"Remember, we are here to help. / What you decide to keep / from the world, tell us."

Stephen Dunn, Tegan & Sara, my Friends, The L Word, Google Reader & Google Docs, the drink, fourfour, bartleby, commenters, Victor & Maureen.

1. Lucky Numbers: 3, 11, 21, 31, 41, 43
I've been saving this fortune cookie for the end of this blog. That's the kind of thing I'd make up. But I'm not making this up, actually. I've been tempted to crack it open and see right now for hours, in the same way I was always tempted to watch the next episode of TLW I had on disc but didn't, or -- in a former life, a life more reckless than the one I live now -- to be tempted to do the whole gram at once [but did]. [In the same way that writing that gave me a craving strong enough I'd've fulfilled it, if it was in front of me, with its twenty minutes of oblivion all lined up.]
"Some people never have anything except ideas. Go do it"

(Chinese word on the back: WAIT [deng])
"We understand everything / we pass it on."
-Stephen Dunn, "The Soul's Agents"
1 This opening paragraph is from the intro paragraph to Don Quijote, but like if it was Mad Libs. I haven't read DQ [see "4"], but I did read the first 300 or so pages, including the introduction, which this is from, so it's not cheating. I don't, for the record, talk about books I haven't read.


stef said...

i would like to share with you a fortune cookie of my own -

here we go: low fat whole wheat green tea.

i can't imagine compiling these lists. i always read and think 'ok, i'm gonna comment,' and then i get here, and then i think 'fuck, i have to read it again' and then i do and then it turns into like nine comments and then it's too long so i just don't.

anyway, what i like about this is the subtext. is that the right word? it goes in a thousand directions but comes together and makes sense without having to spell it all out, which is generally what i enjoy most about your writing. does that make any sense? probably not.

i do hope you actually read crime and punishment someday.

Anonymous said...

5 is. so true.

on a lighter note i know exactly what you mean about miranda.

apologies to lozo but my word verif is "tshoe." that is a t shaped shoe?

thank you for the buffet. i feel full now. i feel full from your words, enjoy the apertif of your vlogs, and like this as dessert:

Because that's why I feel like I'm always lying, which is consequently why I feel the need. To talk so much.

Crystal said...

Happy Birthday, Auto-win.

I can never really find the right words - the ones that will adequately express how your writing moves me, how you make me relate each time.

In light of this, all I have to offer back right now is: I love you, tiger.

amlisdabomb said...

First of all, I think that you have to have leg warmer confidence. Much like nipple confidence, but nothing like it. I think you have the power to OWN your short hair. I, for one, love it. Anytime I think of short hair I am like, "yeah totes Riese rocks it out." and then I realize everyone is staring at me. Then the whispering starts and I whistle and shuffle away.

Secondly, I have always admired how personally you get. You aren't afraid to bring things up that hurt in the past to share. I find it amazing because I could never do that. Your honesty is inspiring.

Thirdly, if you would have quit vlogging I probably would have been severely upset. I get that whole "different person in front of the camera" because I do the same thing, but I have to say, you make me laugh harder in those vlogs then anything has in years. I literally write down quotes as I watch. I know it sounds dumb, but on my door I have a white board (actually silver) and I write quotes, lyrics, etc. on there. Currently, you and A;ex are displayed on there. It's nice to know, no matter how I feel, when I walk into my room, I'm going to laugh.


amlisdabomb said...

and by personally, I mean personal. Ugh, I hate when I mistype things. Please forgive me.

caitlinmae said...

real comment to come, but if you'd like, you can have my well worn copy of crime and punishment, complete with notes taken verbatim from the cutest russian academic in upstate new york.
It's not a quick read but it's not a slow one either, and raskolnikov and his BFF razumikhin are dreamy.

Julia said...

Oh my, what now? I feel like someone calling a talk show radio and I should introduce myself as "first time commenter, long time reader".

That's actually only half true, I'm not really a long time reader.

I just wanted to say that I am in like with your blog, (I feel like love is too strong a word for this new relationship) and I'm glad I could be around for your second anniversary.

There's probably more to say, but it'll come later.

Meghan said...

I almost became a marine biologist.

I'm one of those who watched your vlogs first. Once I read some of your blog I watched a few again and they made a wee bit more sense with more context, of course. Either way I'm glad you didn't stop. I know you said you stopped wanting to be a filmmaker but if you ever made any kind of I'd be pretty excited.

About the real doll ... I understand that there's vlog-Riese and auto-win-Riese and permutations thereof, that your online identity is not necessarily your "real" self. Still: as a reader, your writing feels completely authentic, emotionally and intellectually. Like this entire post, for instance.

Also I appreciate that your online life does blend with your offline life--like that you use your real name, and that people you hang out with online (blogs, comments, vlogs) are also people you hang out with offline. I see almost no point in anonymity or online personas--but I'm also not brave enough (or open, or generous, or motivated, or I don't know what, enough) to have a blog or website either. So I guess mostly I try to be invisible until maybe someday I am brave/whatever enough, which for now makes it complicated to leave comments on a blog because that makes me a persona ... you know?

Anyway. I digress.

Happy Bloggiversary!

Meghan said...

*meant to read: "if you every made any kind of documentary"... oops.

dani said...

I am a (molecular) biologist, but when I was young and needed the money I wanted to be a marine biologist too.

Happy Birthday Auto-win!!! I hope Tinkerbell is wearing her birthday dress.

For she's a jolly good fellow,
for she's a jolly good fellow
For she's a jolly good fellow,
that nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny,
that nobody can deny
For she's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny

another emily said...

This is my first time commenting, I don’t know where to begin, and I apologize in advance for my comment being too long and generally weird. At the risk of sounding creepy/stalkerish and corny/unoriginal, I just want to tell you how awesome I think you are. Since I found your blog a few weeks ago I’ve become obsessed (but totally not in a stalkerish way; just a friendly, supportive, normal way). I’ve even been going through the archives, and I watch the vlogs on YT. I have agoraphobic tendencies, and instead of facing the terrifying reality of actual friends I prefer my safe, delusional reality in which you’re one of my imaginary friends. Wow...I'm embarrassed by myself. Oh well. Ok, I promise I’m not that weird, but I really am inspired by your particular view of the world and the way you express it. Basically, I like you, and I just wanted to write a nice comment b/c niceness is something I’m into.

“If you find me, hide me. I don’t know where I’ve been.” –Emily Haines

Eurojism said...

Your top ten list is monumental ... colossal even. Stef said it's too long. I'd have to agree. If you want to see how a top ten list should be written you need to have a look at my guide to writing one which is right here ...

stef said...

omg - i tried to be nice and somebody is INSTIGATING.

Lozo said...

"Some people never have anything except ideas. Go do it..." IN BED! Wokka! Wokka! Wokka!

i have to say, you don't look 2. maybe 1.5. you're holding up quite well.

why can't you have rock-hard abs? you weigh 14 pounds. i'm pretty sure if you did *A* situp, nevermind many situps, it would necessitate you having rock-hard abs.

no strip-club adventure? that makes me sad.

what did you nix that was too real? or are you saying you wanted to nix it but didn't? you know what sucks? the knicks.

also, i would like to say that any reference to Don Quixote or the word paradox makes me think of TB and cringe and become angry. pavlov or something.

let's talk about The Office some more! that's what she said! go google that.

riese said...

stef: If only, if only, if only, I had received "low fat whole wheat green tea." I feel like that would've been a serious sign for the future. That does make sense. In fact this whole comment, which I believe you refer to as "too long" (though it'd seem some other blog reading experts thought you were referring to the blog itself as "too long"), is special and I like it and um, yes, what a perfect first comment. You should be vice president or something ...

I hope I actually read that book someday too.

Anonymous: Thank you for the compliments addressing many facets of the post, it's like a buffet for me.

Cystal: I think my heart just skipped a beat, and possibly grew 2-3 sizes. Nothing to be alarmed about, just the warming and string-tugging.

amlisdabomb:Speaking of short hair and nipple confidence, Alice always managed to rock the short hair/skirts, although not when her hair was super short at the start of Season Two. I actually tried to find a photo of that too but couldn't, and then thought, "this is why I never sleep."

OMG, we had a quotes whiteboard in college. I think my debut on the whiteboard was related to something I said about cleavage, surprise. The fact that A;ex and I are on your whiteboard makes me so happy. I wonder if my obsession with other people's quotes (I have like 100 'quotes' docs, webpages, etc., like I collect them) means that really my dream is to be quoted, just like I like quoting other people. Like how kids who like basketball players wanna be basketball players. Did I have a point somewhere? I can't jump, I'm a white man.

(oh and, *thank you.)

And don't worry, I won't stop making vlogs. Once we took like a month off and I realized I was totally incapable of producing enough writing to post more than twice a week, so, I gotta do somethin'. (oh and "forgiven!")

caitlinmae: Do you realize that if you give it to me, I'll underline it and crack the spine, and you know, all around most likely just never give it back? Are you prepared to deal with those consequences? Dum dum dummmmmmm ... xox.

Julia: If this was talk radio, maybe I'd be having a contest or something, and I could say that even though we're just friends right now and not in love, tell her what she's won! An NPR mug! Yayayayay!

meghan: One of many things I love about blogging is when someone else explains to me what I do and does it in a way that makes so much sense and describes it so perfectly that I feel absolutely zen about it all. So thank you.
Yeah, I do think that I am pretty honest in my writing. I tend to be of the camp who believes that honesty is transparent, and people can always tell how truthful you're being -- like I won't go interview for a job I don't want, I'm convinced they'll see through me. And I think ultimately, that's what i aim for? Just honestly. Whether it's about honestly trying to entertain through vloggetry, or honestly trying to say something special through writing. Yes, now I'm just back to talking about myself again, ramble ramble ramble.

dani: OOOO thanks, I can hear it in my head, and also I can imagine dolphins in the background, swimming and dancing.

another emily: You don't sound creepy/stalkerish. All of these people right here on the comments, except for Lozo who busted right in with a height declaration and a desire to bang Sarah Chalke, have at one point commented expressing concerns about creepishness or stalkerhood and I tell them this, grasshoppers, until you are outside my window (which I think is unlikely for anyone to care that much unless I'm like, banging some dude's girlfriend or something), there's no stalking about it. Anyhow ... I also prefer the safe, delusional reality in which my computer friends are my imaginary friends. Also just realized I'm wearing a t-shirt A;ex got me that says "Imaginary Friends" on it. I think that's somehow meaningful. Anyhow, thank you!

Euojism: Wow, those strategies must be going really well for you, that's why you have to come here and try to harvest additional readers?

stef: I think he's trying to instigate a migration towards inevitable pop up ads, perhaps a top ten about building traffic that suggests commenting on blogs you never read with links, and naming yourself "Eurojism"? Just a thought. I feel like he's got enough syllables for his own haiku. "Eurojism is/monumental even/when ejaculating.

Lozo: I didn't even think of the in bed, but you're right, that's so good.
I do soooo many sit-ups (and by that I mean crunches)! It's just not in my genetics.
You're right, the strip club should've been on that list. I think maybe I felt I'd applied too many monumental events to last fall and stopped looking for more when I should've zeroed in straight on the fake tits and smelly strippers.
I'm hoping that TB isn't the only person who's ever used the word "paradox" or referred to Don Quijote in your presence? They must've mentioned it on The Office at some point ... (but yeah, I get what you're saying. But it's a monumental book, I think considered by many to be the best novel of all time? And paradox is one of my favorite terms).
I nixed footage of us just hanging out in the car and talking, 'cause we were being normal people. Maybe I just didn't like how my hair looked.

dani said...

the dolphins actually did learn a choreography just for this holiday!
with backflips and screws and stuff. it's good. next thing for them to learn is alex' cheer. I think they can do it!
(I am the choreography-girl from the last post...blogger finally works and so I can comment and being real and not just an anonymous..for real).

patimi8000 said...

I know what you mean when you are saying that you don’t know who you are. For me this is a curse and I envy people that are sure about who they are. It’s a tragedy really not to be able see anything inside you but doubt and regrets (I’m talking about me here of course). And it’s not getting any better, the long waited growing up will not bring answers but more questions.

Ambitious vs. Depressive. Not really: ambitious is depressive, at least in my book it is.

10. Ignoring the presumable physical appearance, I am actually seeing you more like a Charlotte than Miranda ( “...I'm a Sancho at heart, never a real knight ). Knights are not appealing to me because they think that they are infallible (maybe they are).

5. Parents have sometimes too much power upon us. The guilt they can inflict can cripple us for good. Not that is your case, of course, just rambling on I suppose.

4. Watching TV is so last century. There are so many misconceptions, stereotypes promoted on TV these days that I find less damaging to watch a blank wall instead TV. Sexism, masked homophobia/racism, sub-culture, you name it. Why watch TV anyway when you have the vibrant, pulsating internet? Beats me.

“I la-la-love editing, it's like my number one favorite activity. “
I totally see where you are coming from, it is completely addictive, gratifying and you, Riese, are pretty good at it. To be honest I didn’t think that you are editing your own videos but wow, wow! I think that you are quite the pioneer of a new breed of writers, the ones with both of their feet in the future. Your blog/vlog combination is unique in a very interesting and promising niche. As I said I cannot wait for your book (maybe you should vlog it too).

a;ex said...

56 is a good age to call it quits I think. Good call. I plan on being taken out by then as well, or at least thats always my excuse for doing so many things at once.

After all, we have roller discos we've yet to skate/fall in.

Happy Anniversary :)

tinkerbell said...

we loved this... and we miss you.

rk said...

i wanted to be marine biologist too, but ironically i live in a land-locked country.

B. said...

Yeah, I also cringe at paradox and Don Quijote and think of TB and subsequently get angry. Oh well.

Anyway... hi Lozo! The Knicks do such I agree.

And happy birthday, tiger.

I'm with Stef: read Crime and Punishment. Raskolnikov himself has a remarkable dream in it about a beaten mare.

That's all. Paradox paradox paradox.

Lozo said...

hi! glad someone else has the reaction to those terms. see, riese? see?

Lozo said...

first off, i'm not "glad" you're having that reaction when you hear those terms. i'm "glad" i'm not alone, yet sad you feel that way.

second off, put the word "same" in my response somewhere. also, make me pancakes.

eric mathew said...

oh riese. i am so happy that you have had so much sucess with your blog and that we have connected through the next.

your the best.

oh and yes miranda looked amazing towards the end. i always want to be a samantha because she is crazy...but i feel like i will be trapped as a carrie.

e. said...

*sigh* Every time you write a post like this, I end up having to talk myself out of emailing you. It's so...full, you know? I mean, the depth of it, the density--I want to respond to every paragraph, every phrase, point by point. Not because I have so much brilliance to add (obvs), but because I feel like the only way I can fully acknowledge your monumental honesty is by giving bits of it back; because I find myself nodding in agreement as I read it, simultaneously stunned and vindicated that you keep articulating (far better than I ever could) thoughts that have been tumbling hazily around in my own head for way too long.

Clearly, I usually settle for a weirdo, over-long comment. (Which is still probs better than a blatheringly overwrought email--consider yourself fortunate.)

I thought your Don Quijote riff was pretty much the most brilliant/perfect thing ever. I understand lozo and b.'s connecting it to TB, but it's obvs yours: Don Quijote, paradox, the thunder perfect mind, they all seem to belong, quite wholly, to you.

Also: Sancho is a hero. And you have never picked the wrong things, as far as I can tell.

Happy Birthday, Automatic Win. One of my top 10 most important moments since April 8 of '07 (others include: moving to a different continent; Neruda's 89th love sonnet; electric guitar) has been finding this blog.

A. said...

Dear Riese,
I believe when you reach the tender age of 55 your headstone will read:

"She made other people realize they're not crazy."

In a "boy I'm glad I'm not full of feelings in Harlem" sort of way or a "I'm glad someone else is trying to figure out the world too" sort of way.
I'd like to think most of us are latter.

Happy anniversary.

Sidenote, as per usual...
"If this was talk radio, maybe I'd be having a contest or something, and I could say that even though we're just friends right now and not in love, tell her what she's won! An NPR mug! Yayayayay!"

I'm in radio and once had to call some guy to tell him he won a plasma TV, and he was all "...oh okay cool". No excitement at all. It was the saddest day.

Anonymous said...

i want to crawl inside your skin and make myself at home

sidenote: im hammered

dorothy said...

Happy Happy Anniversary!!

Thank you for the truths that your words speak to me. They make answers easier.

amlisdabomb said...

I decided that I would take photographic proof of my white (silver) board with yours and A;ex quote.

You should be honored for this picture because:

it's hard to take pictures with:

sweet blue cast

so here you go.

memorable quotes from auto-win and co.

I understand it's not exactly all that A;ex said, but I could not fit the ENTIRE dialog, but I did my best. Also, disregard the picture of me as an infant.

And Alice circa season 2 with the short hair.

short hair confidence

But, as I was looking through the screencaps (she was basically naked in most of them) she did know how to rock out the semi short hair.

Razia said...

I could've sworn I commented on this post. Anyhow, happy b-day. I've been reading auto-win for so long that I really don't know what the hell I'd do if you went away. Maybe we should do a reader's version of "What Was Life Like Before _______?" except, where _______ = auto-win.

Renee said...

so go to myspace and click on music. search for Lykke Li, and then listen.

when i first found this tonight I thought it was GOLD!

then after reading your blog, i thought to pass on my joy to you.

riese said...

dani: lozo just told me via telepathy that he'd give a sea creature at least 20 bucks if it could learn alex's sidepunch.

patimi8000: Yes I feel like someone far wiser to me had something particularly wise on this topic -- the concept of greater age bringing more questions rather than more answers. Maybe it was Rilke or Bhudda. Hm. 10. Knights are also not appealing to me. I feel like Charlotte is too innocent? 5. Parents determine everything, unfortunately, for better or for worse. 4. Agreed, agree, agreed. Thank you.

a;ex: ommgggggggg If I continue to get woken up at 8 A.M. by monster trucks drilling holes in my sidewalk, I might actually max out at 46. But 'til then, we have roller discos we've yet to skate/dance in, fosho!

tinkerbell: Aw! i love you and miss you guys tooooo

B. Well, I'm glad at least one of us here in the auto universe [me] has moved past anger into a tranquil valley of peace & acceptance, harboring no residual resentments towards Cervantes or paradoxes. [err *cough*] What is this TB everyone is speaking of? There are no bunnies in the window. I thought they isolated this virus last year when it broke out again. Paradox, paradox, paradox, paradox, goose. I just super-glued a postcard to my desk, it's a picture of a Russian dude in a jail cell, trying to hit Jack Keroauc with an axe in a lucid dream.

Lozo: omggg yeah! I bet that's not the only thing you and have in common!

If I make you pancakes you better not flee in the morning. We were placing bets on if you ate breakfast at all or would get breakfast meats, and then you and your meat was gone before we could even find it out. gladsame.

eric mathew: Carrie is not an entirely terrible thing to be trapped as, I believe. And thanks!

e.: I like, though, that you try to acknowledge it by giving something back in the comments, it makes me feel like writing every paragraph is worth my time, at the least. And speaking of meaning, thank you for this, because it means a lot to me:

I thought your Don Quijote riff was pretty much the most brilliant/perfect thing ever. I understand lozo and b.'s connecting it to TB, but it's obvs yours: Don Quijote, paradox, the thunder perfect mind, they all seem to belong, quite wholly, to you.

Also: Sancho is a hero. And you have never picked the wrong things, as far as I can tell.

A. "She made other people realize they're not crazy. Coincidentally, she died as crazy as a loon." (also; thank you) You should've told that guy that it was a joke and then called the Salvation Army and been like "guess what? PLASMA TV!"

Anonymous: Can we switch? I'm over this skin, I'd prefer to be hammered.

dorothy: Thank you? Thank you.

amlisdabomb: Um, amazing, amazing, amazing. I think she said "Now you're looking at a whole new person" or something like that. But I guess then you don't get in the information about it being a new person than she was before. Hm. In any event, incredible! Wait also the short hair confidence picture doesn't work.

Razia: That would be such a fun post for my ego to read, I'd be like "omggg I am so indispensible!" and then people would be like "i used to get more work done, and possibly spend less time using photobooth a la rise." I don't know, actually, what I did before autowin.

Renee: Thank you for paying the joy forward, Renee. That's the kind of loving spirit we embrace here at autowin. And etc.

amlisdabomb said...

Damn, I knew it wasn't spot on, but yes, I more or less did it that way so other people could get the gist and laugh along with me.

Perhaps you'll make more appearances. Maybe I'll throw in different colors next time. It all depends.

And I'm not alright with that picture not working. People are trying to hold us down.

Haviland Stillwell said...

happy anniversary, rieselette! xo

Anonymous said...

Miranda was always my favorite. I love red heads.

Adam said...

re: postcard super-glued to desk

In the words of one of my more quotable exes, "Aren't we a little old for Kerouac?"

Then again, there's probably a reason why she's a quotable ex rather than a quotable current. In fact, that might be the reason.

Bokolis said...

Happy Annivesary, Riese!

Generally, dispassionate analysis is my thing and would compel me to belch that, the perpetual fight is to fend off the realization that you can't change the world- you can only change yourself.

Some people do change the world, but it's almost always someone like, say, Stalin, with a thirst to dominate, and it's typically for the worse. You never see anyone kill them with positivity.

I don't want you to believe that because I have to think that you serve as inspiration to so many- they tell you so in the comments- anyone with even an ounce of resistance to cutting their hair, joining the establishment and mastering the goose-step.

If you believed it, I would no longer be able to delude myself. Because people around me "gotta eat," I've put myself behind emeny lines. I'm often (psychologically) half-assing it, torn between taking over and (figuratively) scorching the earth.

If you believed it, you would no longer be in the position to be the master of your destiny. As it is now, all you have to do is channel your brilliance and apply it accordingly.

Easier said than done, eh? All it takes is pressure and time. You have the support; look around you.

All right, that's enough out of me...back to your regularly scheduled programming. Cheers!

Emilykate said...

So, I was feeling a little stalkerish about commenting, too, until one of my coworkers handed me a copy of They Came From Below and there, on the inside cover, like a fortune cookie message from above it said "...Emily and her best friend Reese [can't] wait for summer vacation..." and I realized that not only should I post to tell you that I cannot, in fact, wait for summer vacation but also as a service to the apparently endless number of other Emilys out there who were feeling insecure about posting. Also, by page 40 Reese has already been on the lookout for "action" and tried to drag Emily to the beach to watch a possibly gay couple have sex. No lesbo scenes, yet, but I have faith.
So, to sum up, if you see some random brunnette staring at you this weekend, it's probably me. And I'm your best friend, so you should come and say hi.
(failing that, I'll probably lurk some more and then post again in several months)

riese said...

amli: my hair is even shorter now, so i think fosho people are trying to hold us down.

haviland stillwell: thanks babycakes! xo

anonymous: word.

adam: my most quotable exes are always the ones who say things like "i like tom clancy." I mean ... that's not an exact quote ...

bokolis: I'm not sure who you are, or where you've come from, but I think what you just said was pretty amazing. I wish I had more to offer in return than that. maybe i'm speechless?

emilykate: Blake Nelson, I just googled. I'm into it. I'm intrigued. I feel like you're a fortune cookie. thank you for commenting! See you around someplace surprising, come back now y'hear?

asher said...

i don't know why i feel the need to let you know that the 'iconic calvin klein typeface' is futura. but i do. and it is.

and i'm a huge nerd. so there.

in kc said...

You inspired me to think about what great poetry it could be if the English language allowed sterile to rhyme with fertile. You inspired a lot more thoughts too but I don't have the language to do them justice now....