Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Auto-Fun of the Day :: 4 -1 -2008

Hi! I got fired from my job at Bear Sterns and now write under a pseudonym for someone even better, I'm moving to Miami to be with Tinkerbell's birth parents, JK'ing about China I don't even eat Sweet & Sour Chicken (or any meat from Chinese restaurants), Haviland isn't real you guys she's just a character I created using the basic outline of The Real Haviland but I can photoshop her in if you want (it's just harder to do when she's not in New York), I work at Duane Reade, I have a mysterious benefactor, I signed a book deal for a million dollars, I'm getting gay-married to an emoticon in freehawaii.org this Spring (I will not be wearing white) (Not good for my skin tone), I am Eliot Spitzer's mistress for $3,500 an hour, I am the blind governor's typist for $75 dollars an hour, when I said "China" I meant "China Fun" on the Upper West Side they have great scallion pancakes, I'm a drug addict, I've got an exclusive interview with Tina Fey for next week, I love chicken wings and beer, Lozo's favorite position is Easy, when you're here, you're family and also, I imagine, quite sleepy.

April Fools!!! I actually hate tricking people fo'real, it makes me feel itchy, that's why I can't handle most Shakespeare comedies. (Gmail's pulling a nice one today, custom time? Anyone noticed this?) Anyhow, if you haven't already answered the READER SURVEY from yesterday's auto-fun, and you're up for it, please go for it, you're all far more entertaining than I'll ever be and I'm enjoying it immensely. Srsly, now. I la-la-la-love it.

So, I fully intended to blog from China, but I'm getting a lot of mixed information about The Great Chinese Firewall. This site says I'm good to go, but this article (@the atlantic) says blogspot is blocked (though blogger isn't -- so I can write, but not view). Needless to say, there'll be no auto-fun, 'cause fo'sho most media sites are blocked and I can't get around that the same way I can get around blogger (e.g., e-mailing posts to someone else, using a different proxy, etc.) Also, I looked on my sitemeter and it's registered an eerie total of ZERO blog readers in China. This isn't encouraging (readers are fairly well-distributed throughout the rest of the globe), though it's possible their stats are just blocked from sitemeter's Orwellian eyeballs. Or I don't fare well in translation. If you're in China and reading this, please comment, I won't say anything about Tibet. (JK. Go to work! Have one baby!) I'll probably have to only say nice things, like, "This is the best lo mien I've ever had! I love China for real!" and then when I come home I'll tell you the truth, like, "That lo mien doesn't stand up to a greasy scoop from Manchu Wok. Free Tibet!" (This sentence: will self-combust in 24 hours)

(This is almost becoming a full blog entry! But it's not, 'cause I'm just rambling. Have you done the survey yet? omg.) I saw Dirty Girls at Barnes & Noble, go get it! Also, come to my reading on the 17th! I'm so demanding tonight. Bake me some macaroni!
quote: "Eventually you sit down in the doorway of a hovel waiting for beauty to appear, so you can seize it and maul it and transform it into the living tissue that has always mocked you. Only then ugliness arrives and leaves you its cookbook for surviving death. You open the pages and already you are rediscovering your life, how every moment was unbearable, pure poetry." (Peter Doyle, from "Beauty")

1) "A Waitress's Revenge" : new tell-all memoir by a former server who spent years "pandering to the whims of the rich and famous at New York's best restaurant." (@telegraph uk)
2) Video from RKB's appearance on The Martha Stewart Show (@gawker)
3) America's Next Top Model recap: "All Mormons Go to Heaven" (@fourfour)
4) I heart AM Homes so much, read her new interview (w/L.A. event info) regarding her memoir The Mistresses' Daughter (@the elegant variation)
5) Survey finds Brits are also homophobic, love Uh Huh Her even if they can't make it to the concert in Austin. (@guardian uk)
6) The answer is "scissoring": "At 50, Mad Libs still (verb)" (@publisher's weekly)
7) Michael Musto witnessed a DJ screeching "Madonna's new single sucks!" among other things. (@village voice)
8) Also, Madonna is interviewed in Vanity Fair, says New York City's new attitude sucks, among other things. She can say whatever she wants, my love doesn't need affirmation. (@vanity fair)
9) Poem: "The Secret Lives of Blow-Up Dolls" by Robyn Art (@la petite zine)
10) Physicists investigate why you can't unwrap a DVD (@scientific american)


Amanda said...

yeah, blogspot is down most of the time in china, but blogger is always up. but google reader can still pick up blog posts in china. also, you can access blocked sites in china (or anywhere i guess) by going to anonymouse.org, and then typing in the address.

jenn said...

now if the first paragraph of this entry was the title of a blog, my head would explode!! but i would read it just to see how long it took till my tiny mind pickled?!!
i have gone dizzy!

Jennifer said...

Just saw your video on the UHH myspace page...CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Lozo said...

i'm so confused. so you are going to china? why? were pakistan and iraq closed?

jenn said...

oh ye iv just seen that u won the video thing thats ace because rovemon(or whatever the name off the commenter dude(ett) thing was ) is gunna be sooooo angry waaahaaa
congrats honey

e. said...

Congrats on the well-deserved vlogging win!

Also, "Go to work! Have one baby!" was super funny/clever/awesome/politically aware/etc.

a;ex said...

OMG congrats you guys!! This is the best day ever!
You have triumphed over no-mans-land (aka youtube) and I am so proud of you for it.
We have lots of celebrating to do (not in China.)
Also, I love Alice Pieszecki.

riese said...

1. OMG WE WON! This is so exciting for me but mostly for Tinkerbell! Thanks you guys, and a;ex you are right we have SERIOUS celebrating to do. In Amerrr - ee - kah!!

2. Lozo, I have two comments for you on your post:
1) You know how you keep complaining that I don't update enough? Some of it I think is exactly what you're talking about in that post. My misery level and bloggetry level are often in accordance, and I haven't been that miserable lately. I think though replace your "angry" with my "sad" or something. Thus I must go to China for new adventures!
2) Haviland doesn't read your blog.

3. amanda: Does it matter what you say? Like is the internet censorship so serious that they would actually read the blog of silly little me if I said weird things, or is that just paranoia? Also, are they gonna take away my Tipping the Velvet at the airport, 'cause I wanna finish reading it while i'm there.

chrissy said...

You'll definitely be able to post blogs in China, and it's a possibility you can view blogs, too. Two of my friends are doing a tour of the Sound of Music in China right now, and they've had no problems yet.

What's happening in China???

Lozo said...

first off, thanks for picking my comment as one of the lucky few to respond to.

second off, can we throw a Going to China party? we can have a human rights violation theme where i have my way with any sexy ladies at the shin-dig in my favorite position -- drugged and on all fours.

third off, haviland reads my blog. she said so.

eric mathew said...

OMG!!! Holy shit i am so happy you won. i was worried for a little...but this is better than the time TinkerBell got on that Bravo Tv show "Real Dogs of NYC."

and i liked your april fools.

Haviland Stillwell said...

Hmmm...when I started reading this, I thought, "is she going to do a 'guess which of these are true and which are false' contests?" because, you know, some of them are a little bit true, yeah?

also, here's my response to your survey:

1. you started it the week you met me, right?
1/a. no, just as it was going along...
2. checking in.
3. hm, nytimes maybe? or, obvs, lozo's blog.
4. short stop?
5. oh have i ever...
6. "i have never been happier, and i am not being ironic"
7. :)
8. no!
18. love and junk!

xo everyone - yes, road tripping to L.A. from Savannah soon, and will be there most of the time for a while...i'm still, you know, "here," just not in NYC!

Katyn said...

congrats on winning the UHH contest.

Crystal said...

OMG! I wish I could celebrate this with you guys. I'm so excited for you re: your prize pack, I'm curious as to what they could put inside.

Vesper de Vil said...

wicked blog you've got here. i've been lurking, and have officially blogrolled ya.

Vesper de Vil said...

jesus riese!!! i just realized that you are the same Riese who writes on the L word online!!!! holy hell! you're hilarious! big fan! so happy i found your site.

Meghan said...

Ooh congrats on the Uh Huh Her contest win!! I heart that video.

Amanda said...

haha no they're really more concerned with people writing in chinese. i think people tend to be a little overly cautious and end up self-censoring, but i guess its better safe than sorry.
don't worry about books, and also you can buy the entire L word for like 15 bucks.
also if you're in beijing, make sure you go to Pipe on saturday nights, the chinese lesbian scene is hilarious.

riese said...

Ok, everybody now (except for the ones I got in the first round)!

jenn: I hope to make you dizzy, but pickling sounds awfully painful!

jennifer: thanks! you are officially the person who notified me that i won, fyi, write that down.

lozo: actually i think pakistan and iraq are closed.

jenn: I know! Well, nothing could break her heart more than finding out that alice and leisha aren't the same person, so from here on out it's all just anti-gravy.

e.: haha thanks! I'm trying to stifle any political awareness right now in preparation for my chaste speak from the country itself.

a;ex: hellooo i talked to you the first time. but didn't wanna skip anyhow. ummmmmmm wheeeeee I also love Alice Pisecki she's the best singer ever.

chrissy: Re: What's happening in China? (I'm gonna take down these links before I go 'cause I don't want my blog to be blocked for me from China, so copy 'em down in the next 24 hours)

Pelosi Wants Bush to Weigh Skipping Olympic Ceremony

Barack Obama is calling for more action in Tibet

China claims crazy things about the Dali Lama

Chinese Nationalism Fuels Tibet Crackdown

Background on the politics of China and The Golden Shield Project, China's internet censorship program.

lozo: Sure! Let the happy endings begin! OOO speaking of we can have an after China party at Happy Endings lounge (a former massage parlor) at my READING! you coming? all over the keyboard?

eric mathew: I was worried too! I know this is a big thing for Tinkerbell's career we are all really excited.

haviland stillwell: Well, we all know it's true about me and Elliot. "The spitz.

katyn: congrats on that fabulous user icon. I hear she's a supermodel now!??!

crystal: I'm curious as to if they are going to finally ship an EP down under ... mmm ... time will tell

vesper de vil: wicked little icon you've got there. and thanks! and thanks for commenting, so happy you found me toooo

meghan: yay! Thank you me tooO!

amanda: Ok good, that's what I thought but people have said other things. What's really funny is that my copy of the l word from the first season is actually the chinese one, and I ended up getting it for free 'cause it was on ebay and the guy totally fucked up and sent it to me like three months late after I'd already gotten my money back. So now I get to watch Season One with Chiense subtitles, and the box is quite a treat. And thanks for the tip!

Jennifer said...

Glad I could be the first to congratulate you all the way from Indianapolis

ventureblogalist said...

my friend lives in china and gets access to about 5% of the sites I use on a daily basis!

btw, do you have a twitter account? I would subscribe there too if it is public!