Auto-Fun of the Day :: 4 -1 -2008

Hi! I got fired from my job at Bear Sterns and now write under a pseudonym for someone even better, I'm moving to Miami to be with Tinkerbell's birth parents, JK'ing about China I don't even eat Sweet & Sour Chicken (or any meat from Chinese restaurants), Haviland isn't real you guys she's just a character I created using the basic outline of The Real Haviland but I can photoshop her in if you want (it's just harder to do when she's not in New York), I work at Duane Reade, I have a mysterious benefactor, I signed a book deal for a million dollars, I'm getting gay-married to an emoticon in freehawaii.org this Spring (I will not be wearing white) (Not good for my skin tone), I am Eliot Spitzer's mistress for $3,500 an hour, I am the blind governor's typist for $75 dollars an hour, when I said "China" I meant "China Fun" on the Upper West Side they have great scallion pancakes, I'm a drug addict, I've got an exclusive interview with Tina Fey for next week, I love chicken wings and beer, Lozo's favorite position is Easy, when you're here, you're family and also, I imagine, quite sleepy.

April Fools!!! I actually hate tricking people fo'real, it makes me feel itchy, that's why I can't handle most Shakespeare comedies. (Gmail's pulling a nice one today, custom time? Anyone noticed this?) Anyhow, if you haven't already answered the READER SURVEY from yesterday's auto-fun, and you're up for it, please go for it, you're all far more entertaining than I'll ever be and I'm enjoying it immensely. Srsly, now. I la-la-la-love it.

So, I fully intended to blog from China, but I'm getting a lot of mixed information about The Great Chinese Firewall. This site says I'm good to go, but this article (@the atlantic) says blogspot is blocked (though blogger isn't -- so I can write, but not view). Needless to say, there'll be no auto-fun, 'cause fo'sho most media sites are blocked and I can't get around that the same way I can get around blogger (e.g., e-mailing posts to someone else, using a different proxy, etc.) Also, I looked on my sitemeter and it's registered an eerie total of ZERO blog readers in China. This isn't encouraging (readers are fairly well-distributed throughout the rest of the globe), though it's possible their stats are just blocked from sitemeter's Orwellian eyeballs. Or I don't fare well in translation. If you're in China and reading this, please comment, I won't say anything about Tibet. (JK. Go to work! Have one baby!) I'll probably have to only say nice things, like, "This is the best lo mien I've ever had! I love China for real!" and then when I come home I'll tell you the truth, like, "That lo mien doesn't stand up to a greasy scoop from Manchu Wok. Free Tibet!" (This sentence: will self-combust in 24 hours)

(This is almost becoming a full blog entry! But it's not, 'cause I'm just rambling. Have you done the survey yet? omg.) I saw Dirty Girls at Barnes & Noble, go get it! Also, come to my reading on the 17th! I'm so demanding tonight. Bake me some macaroni!

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quote: "Eventually you sit down in the doorway of a hovel waiting for beauty to appear, so you can seize it and maul it and transform it into the living tissue that has always mocked you. Only then ugliness arrives and leaves you its cookbook for surviving death. You open the pages and already you are rediscovering your life, how every moment was unbearable, pure poetry." (Peter Doyle, from "Beauty")

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links:
1) "A Waitress's Revenge" : new tell-all memoir by a former server who spent years "pandering to the whims of the rich and famous at New York's best restaurant." (@telegraph uk)
2) Video from RKB's appearance on The Martha Stewart Show (@gawker)
3) America's Next Top Model recap: "All Mormons Go to Heaven" (@fourfour)
4) I heart AM Homes so much, read her new interview (w/L.A. event info) regarding her memoir The Mistresses' Daughter (@the elegant variation)
5) Survey finds Brits are also homophobic, love Uh Huh Her even if they can't make it to the concert in Austin. (@guardian uk)
6) The answer is "scissoring": "At 50, Mad Libs still (verb)" (@publisher's weekly)
7) Michael Musto witnessed a DJ screeching "Madonna's new single sucks!" among other things. (@village voice)
8) Also, Madonna is interviewed in Vanity Fair, says New York City's new attitude sucks, among other things. She can say whatever she wants, my love doesn't need affirmation. (@vanity fair)
9) Poem: "The Secret Lives of Blow-Up Dolls" by Robyn Art (@la petite zine)
10) Physicists investigate why you can't unwrap a DVD (@scientific american)
11) OMG WE WON THE UH HUH HER CONTEST!!!