Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Be All That You Can Be: On Craigslist/The U.S Army


There aren't very many things that would inspire me to post twice in one day, because, as previously discussed, I lead a very busy life of working out, making fun of Stephen, going on holiday with Haviland, reading magazines, being a poorly photographed rockstar, eating fake ice cream, being poor (which my psychiatrist heard as "being a whore" which was a fun conversation in which he suggested I seek employment at Scores, which apparently has pretty dancers who "make a lot of money"), being a fairly well photographed rockstar. And oh yeah, writing. I mean, I wouldn't have posted today at all if Stephen hadn't made out with a Lesbian.

But um, the U.S Army, which as we all know has fired a lot of valuable BUT GAY language specialists recently, is now recruiting on CRAIGSLIST.

This ad isn't exactly "An Army of One" or whatever that thing was about what happens when no one else will join the army but you, but it's pretty damn close, just without photos.

It's called:

***The US Army Needs Your Foreign Language Specialty***

(thanks for "going easy on the all-caps," USA!)

Then it goes on to describe the job in question:

The US Army needs intelligence collection specialists proficient in the following languages:

(then it lists like, every language except English, unfortunately, Stephen)

You must be a US Citizen
High School Grad or higher
17 to 41
Good moral character*
Good health

*Sorry, gays!

Since I love Freedom, SGT. Morris (877-243-7058), I did some matchmaking for you and found this guy on craigslist. See, you guys are both on craigslist, so you're both looking for somethin'! Also he was in M4W, so he's not a Gay.

1. He doesn't speak Arabic, but he speaks something way better than that. He can "HEAR YOUR BODY TALKING TO ME" (his caps) and he can hear bodies talk "in a language of ENCHANTED, BEAUTIFUL DREAM-LIKE VISIONS!" (his caps). Which, I'm pretty sure, is exactly what we need out there to catch Al Queda.
2. He has been tested for "AIDS/STD's" (his grammar). Yup. Good health--check!
3. He would like to "share a whole universe of fascinating adventures." AKA IRAQ!!
4. He has been "forced to give up" his apartment "as of October 1st," which means: 1. he can't "host", 2. he's totally looking for a new place. Um, how about a new place in...IRAQ??!!
5. He has "rare and unique gifts" for "rare, blissful and hallowed mansions of Tantric pleasure." HELLO moral character!

Please comment only if you love Freedom.

But seriously, also, there are gay people that actually want to be in the army, and the fact that this country actually kicks them out of the army is one of many absolutely ridiculous things happening on like, the Earth, right now. Sign this petition to lift the ban on gays and lesbians in the military: Lift The Ban dot org.

6 comments:

mara said...

Are you looking for a new job?

marie lyn bernard said...

no, i'm looking for reasons to avoid doing the one i have. isn't that what craigslist is for?

as a wise man once sang, i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

Slinky Redfoot said...

I'm sure that was the brilliant idea of the Army's new agency, McCann. Ack.

marie lyn bernard said...

Seriously though, what kind of retard puts his phone number on craigslist?! Gawd.

Anonymous said...

I'm totally keeping that in mind. When /if I get drafted, I'm telling them that I am a flaming homosexual. I'm going to use those words, too. Then I'll go AWOL and they won't want to look for me.

marie lyn bernard said...

If you need any help, I'll testify on your behalf. Flaming the fires of your faggotry, etc.