She Aches Just Like a Woman, But She Writes Just Like a Little Girl

Thanks to Gawker, I was super-popular for 15 minutes yesterday. It was awesome! I celebrated this moment of glory by talking to all my famous friends and not doing any work for the rest of the day!

BUT what's even awesomer, is this comment, attributed to "Worker 3116" on Gawker:

"I'm not sure I believe this chart. It is suspiciously lacking in the Teen Beat pin-ups and Bonnie Bell Lipsmackers references that everything else about it implies should be there."

I do honestly think it's the awesomest to call me out (really! I heart freedom of speech, etc.) but the contents of this particular comment are just far too ironic for me to overlook. (And I'm not even going to discuss how gross it'd be to buy chapstick on craigslist. Although--there's a lot of other craigslist-thriving industries that present a similar risk of orally transmitted infections, so who knows, I mean, Dr.Pepper Lip Smackers tastes almost like real Dr.Pepper.)

Though the "Craigslist-Chart Post" did not, in fact, include references to LipSmackers or Teen Beat--I do in fact, reference both of those things in other blog posts. Yes, that's correct! I am exactly as you inferred!

Worker 3116.....
Are you a unicorn?
Are you my mother? (JK Mom! I know your AOL dial-up 14.4k modem hasn't finished loading the Gawker page yet! Love you!)
Are you five steps ahead of me already, which means you knew this before posting it? (In which case: you win.)

Although I never bought an issue of Teen Beat, a further dig into my blog would have found the following Teen Beaty references:

On Sunday May 7th, in the blog post entitled "I don't have a plan. That's the point." I wrote:

In 1997, Ryan Clayburn told me I'd never get laid unless I removed my teeny-bopper room decor like my Jared Leto-Claire Danes themed closet or the CK-One ads/Leonardo DiCaprio collage over my bed ...

On Monday April 10th, in a blog post entitled "Oh, ElleGirl, you're such a tease!"I shared the following tidbit:

I've never managed to sit through an entire episode of Gilmore Girls, but every EG cover-girl reminds me of Rory Gilmore. I mean, Emma Roberts? Emma Watson? Amanda Bynes? Who the hell are those girls? Hogwarts! I don't know, but I bet they had a debutante party, and she probably invited Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, and all the other girls who smoke Newports and skip class. It's better than pink lemonade lip smackers! MMMM.

Furthermore, I totally wore Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers on a necklace for three years. My friend Jordan, who was hotter (cooler) than me, made the necklace using embroidery thread (clearly she made this crafty gift by safety-pinning the thread to her shoelaces), and I wore the hell out of that thing. My mother was "seriously unimpressed" when I dared to wear the Lip Smackers necklace on 9th grade school picture day. I was "seriously unimpressed" that I still had braces with rubber bands, so whatever. Every adolescent mouth deserves at least a smidgen of happiness.

Because I don't ever want to have a successful social life or a career, I spent two hours this evening digging around in boxes to find the aforementioned school photo, to no avail. Most of the photos from that time period have been destroyed, because they are frightening. So this was the best I could do:


While we're on the topic of my relationship to Teen Beat, I'd like to share a photograph. A few weeks ago, Haviland and Lainy and I dressed up as The Spice Girls and went out for Cinco De Mayo. Obviously I was Sporty Spice.