Even Though the Stars are Blind: My 25th Bithday

Isn't everyone excited to hear about my birthday? And look at the photos?

Okay, look: you aren't.

You want me to talk about something funny that happened at Gristedes or about flannel shirts. I mean, unless you were there, in which case you've had your H+M thong in a wad just eagerly anticipating the steamy photographs of me kissing 19 smokin' hot party girls.¹ Unfortunately, those photographs do not exist.

To make this as painless as possible for everyone involved, I have decided to forego my own witty narration and rather I will narrate this story only with one-liners from the following sources:
-Quotes found on the website to promote Jackass The Movie 2
-Lyrics from Paris Hilton's FANTASTIC New album
-Exercpts from the September 23rd entries in various diaries of Marie Lyn Bernard, circa 1993-2005.

Please see footnotes for specific quote references.

"Uhh..Yeah...That's Hot..Uhh...Yeah...get it started, huh...Yeah..."²

"In the dream I keep having, we are in the law quad, and we are holding each other and he tells me how much he wants to make love to me, and for all the right reasons."³

"I gotta tell you something, Its something that you just might like. Nothing in the world can stop us tonight."⁴

"I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks with Steve-O as my bait!"⁵

"I was lonely and I didn't know it, I was so sad only I didn't show it, You came like the sun breaking through the clouds, and I found what you're what I couldn't live without."⁶

"Then, Dad drove us to the parking structure, why we did not know and neither did he! We ran up and down campus and went to the top of the parking structure and spit on people."⁷

"Do you think I'm sexy? Do you think I really care?"⁸

"What do you say we pile on and get weird?"⁹

"I can make you nice and naughty, be the devil and the angel too."¹⁰

"There's not a whole lot of ways this can go right."¹¹

In this photo we are such rockstars/I look so drunk and dumb (that I had to put it in black and white so not to show the ruddy complexion I have recently acquired, most likely due to the brutal vodka shot forced upon me by this Karen-Walker-wannabe power-les) that even Steve-O, Marie at Age 8 or the legendary paris Hilton couldn't really put the image to words. Needless to say, Stephanie's pose is authentic rockstar. Damn.



¹That's true. I'm not exaggerating.
²"Turn it Up," Paris Hilton 2006
³Marie's Diary, Sep. 23, 2003
⁴Paris Hilton, "Nothing in This World" 2006
⁵Chris Pontius, Jackass the Movie 2
⁶Paris Hilton, "HeartBeat" 2006
⁷Marie's Diary, Sep. 23, 1994
⁸Marie's Diary, Sep. 23, 2005 (I believe I was eloquently quoting the band "K's Choice," who also sang "Not an Addict," which was a good song for that week)
⁹Preston Lacy, Jackass the Movie 2
¹⁰Paris Hilton, "Stars are Blind" 2006
¹¹Johnny Knoxville, Jackass the Movie 2