Okay, look: you aren't.
You want me to talk about something funny that happened at Gristedes or about flannel shirts. I mean, unless you were there, in which case you've had your H+M thong in a wad just eagerly anticipating the steamy photographs of me kissing 19 smokin' hot party girls.1 Unfortunately, those photographs do not exist.
To make this as painless as possible for everyone involved, I have decided to forego my own witty narration and rather I will narrate this story only with one-liners from the following sources:
-Quotes found on the website to promote Jackass The Movie 2
-Lyrics from Paris Hilton's FANTASTIC New album
-Exercpts from the September 23rd entries in various diaries of Marie Lyn Bernard, circa 1993-2005.
Please see footnotes for specific quote references.
"I gotta tell you something, Its something that you just might like. Nothing in the world can stop us tonight."4
"Then, Dad drove us to the parking structure, why we did not know and neither did he! We ran up and down campus and went to the top of the parking structure and spit on people."7
In this photo we are such rockstars/I look so drunk and dumb (that I had to put it in black and white so not to show the ruddy complexion I have recently acquired, most likely due to the brutal vodka shot forced upon me by this Karen-Walker-wannabe power-les) that even Steve-O, Marie at Age 8 or the legendary paris Hilton couldn't really put the image to words. Needless to say, Stephanie's pose is authentic rockstar. Damn.
1That's true. I'm not exaggerating.
2"Turn it Up," Paris Hilton 2006
3Marie's Diary, Sep. 23, 2003
4Paris Hilton, "Nothing in This World" 2006
5Chris Pontius, Jackass the Movie 2
6Paris Hilton, "HeartBeat" 2006
7Marie's Diary, Sep. 23, 1994
8Marie's Diary, Sep. 23, 2005 (I believe I was eloquently quoting the band "K's Choice," who also sang "Not an Addict," which was a good song for that week)
9Preston Lacy, Jackass the Movie 2
10Paris Hilton, "Stars are Blind" 2006
11Johnny Knoxville, Jackass the Movie 2