Friday, July 28, 2006

The Gospel of Tasti-D-LIte


The other day, I wanted Tasti-D, but I was running late (per always), and the guy in front of me wanted to order some BananaDoucheBerry Smoothie, and so I couldn't get any 'cause I was gonna be super late instead of sorta late. I don't like there to be consequences to my actions (of being late).
So this is the Gospel, which satisfied me almost as much as that "d-lite" would have.

1. If the line at Tasti-D-Lite exceeds five (5) persons, you are no longer entitled to a sample. Sub-rules apply:
a) If the Consumer-in-Question (henceforth referred to as "CIQ") truly needs a sample in order to chose her flavor, the CIQ must defer her place in line to the person directly behind her while she mulls over the delicate composition of "Rice Pudding" or "Oreos n' Peanut Butter" or the deceptively titled "Coconut Joy" from her piddly little to-go-ketchup-cup thing.
b) If the CIQ already knows what flavor she wants and she still demands a sample of the flavor-of-the-day just because she can ("I just wanna seeeee!"*)--she is a douchebag.
*I have an idea, why don't you see some other time? Everyone knows they only have ten flavors, but just like, 500 different names for them. Like Jelly Bellys.

2. If the line at Tasti-D-Lite exceeds two (2)persons, the CIQ should not order a smoothie. Here's why:

It's like getting lobster or pot roast at a 24-hour diner. Here's why:
-They get out the manual. Yeah. Instructions. Because no one orders smoothies at Tasti-D-Lite, except douchebags. I did it once and I saw them dump a liter of actual peanut butter into my 60-calorie delite, and that obviously ruined the point. I shoulda just gone to Haagen-Daaz. Or Starbucks! Then at least I would have gotten caffeine. Also I'd like to add that if you order something with coffee in it, the Tasti-D people will put actual Folger's coffee grinds (from like, 1993) into your "smoothie." Gross, right? Yeah, go to Starbucks. There's one around the corner, I promise.

-If the CIQ wants an actual smoothie, she should go to Jamba Juice or whatever, they're taking over the world so she shouldn't have trouble locating one.

-You think that powder they're shoving in there is wheatgrass or protein yeast or something? No it isn't. It's anthrax.

-In NYC, where health code violations are enforced about as well as marijuana and prostitution laws, you don't want to order anything anywhere that is not the specialty of that particular establishment. (Thus the lobster metaphor.)

Which means:
-In addition to slowing down the line--no, basically, completely halting the line's progress altogether, the CIQ is going to spend the rest of the day spewing up rotten bananas. Which, I suppose, is one way to cut back on calories.

3. The CIQ can order a milkshake--as in--Tasti-d, milk, ice, blend. That's simple. We can wait for that. But those complicated smoothies are not for anyone, unless it's 10 A.M. and the CIQ is the only one within 30 feet of the selected Tasti-D venue.

4. If the CIQ's parents or other near kin are in town and she would like to take these relations to the Low-Cal Paradise of Tasti-D-Lite, she should discuss the specifics prior to entering the establishment. This is what I don't want to listen to:

Girl in Hard Tail pants: See, Mawm, there's only six-tay cahlories in one of these!
Mom from Idaho: What? That cahn't be true! (it isn't)
GIHTP: No, Mawm, look at the poster!
MFI: Well, they must taste just awful, like paste!
GIHTP: No, you'll see, I lahve Tastay, you cahn't even tell it's good for you! (yeah you can)
MFI: Oooo what flahvor should I get?
GIHTP: Owh, you can just get a sample! (please don't)
MFI: Oh, mmmm.
GIHTP: Oh my gawd they have pineapple cheesecake my fahvorite!
MFI: Oh, Fluffernutter Fudge that sounds delicious! (it isn't.)
GIHTP: Oh, mm. Get a swirl, always get a swirl!

And so on and so forth. Don't sell it! It's all lies anyhow (see below).

Everyone knows that GIHTP is not about to order a low-cal item. You know that GIHTP is gonna get a large with five flavors smashed inside it, covered in a crumbled Heath Bar, and she may as well have gone to Haagen Daaz or perhaps to the innermost circle of Dante's Inferno or Duane Reade. And MFI--she'll probably want a smoothie.

Also, you should check this out. It's an article about how Tasti-D is a scam. FYI. So see? Get out of there! I'm skinny anyhow, so I don't care about the truth, I just like to imagine that I'm being healthy, that's all. I think it's a fab illusion, like love. JK, I'm not THAT big of a cynic. I believe in love, I just don't believe in low-calorie things that taste good.

5. The most annoying Tasti-D-Lite in the city, in my experience, is on 86th and Lexington. Often there is a line out the door of people hankering for their fix, and they are the wrong kind of people. Usually I'd rather go get some Alpha-1 from the nice man in the red polo shirt next door, even though Alpha-1 is probably made from nuclear waste, crushed ice and splenda. But then I'll also get a pound of gummy candy and chocolate almonds and eat them until my stomach hurts, and then I'll put it away until my stomach stops hurting, and then I'll eat it again.

6. This is my Tasti-D-Lite. For some reason, there are two really hot guys that work there. This is not typical of Tasti-D-Lite establishments.

7. This isn't really related to Tasti-D-Lite, but it is related to things that are both Tasty and Delightful. At the gym I was watching the music video for "My Prerogative" by Britney Spears, and i was like "Holy Smokes, She's HOTTT!!!" So Britney: get it together and writhe for us again, like the old days. Thanks!

8. So, I was just looking on the internet for pics of Tasti-D, and I came across this super-recent blog post on three-toed-sloth about tasti-d-lite. I thought it was funny, and also funny because I am writing a blog post about tasti-d, which means i must be on the pulse of the bloggeration. (that's generation blog, p.s.) I started reading all the comments, then realized I was going to have a panic-attack that like, someone might have already said what I just wrote, and then I'd have to trash this whole thing! (See that? That was an insight into the "proccess" of a writer. It's like Paris Review interview, but quicker and with only 600 calories an ounce) So I stopped and thought about Britney Spears, and then added number 7 up there, and made this number 8. God, i'm getting so behind the scenes with y'all today!

9. If I use the term "tasti-d" one more time, I'm going to throw up all over Bloomingdales, I'm totally grossing myself out. Ew.


Better.

1 comment:

Haviland said...

Aww...I DO always follow the rules. My tasti d in midtown is amazing, and they love me there. Isn't is great that everyone in the city has THEIR tasti-d? I bet sales at all these locations are STELLAR this week! marie, everyone should follow your rules...is there a way we can publish them somewhere?