Sunday Top Ten: If We Took a Holiday, Took Some Time to Celebrate

Hallo! First off, check out the list of books on the Saturday Auto-Fun and let me know which one you'd like to be the first Auto-Win Book Club selection. I'll make a decision soon and I la-la-love/need your input ... I'm pretty sure that we've reached a consensus, but you never know, look what happened to Al Gore! Hey, speaking of voting, are you going to VOTE? -- WAIT! this just in ... I could've sworn I saw Wao in paperback at a store recently, but all online booksellers seem to suggest it's not coming out in paperback 'til September. In which case, it can't be our book club selection 'cause $24.95 is a lot of money, right? (Or, rather ... $15 on amazon, it'd seem)

Anyhow ... Happy Father's Day! Hm, obviously this isn't my favorite holiday. What IS my favorite holiday, you ask? Do you like ANYTHING, Riese, or are you all rainshowers and spoiled pudding? Yes, I do like things, I am rainy pudding but I'm also sunshine and bunny rabbits. I like Tinkerbell, matzoh ball soup, presents, unicorns, the smell of rain, making out, the next joke, tweezers, wax museums, ipods, books and children in puffy coats. Also; always been a fan of Administrative Assistant's Day.

I don't mean to pull a Lozo and execute an entire post just to complain, but the topic of "holidays I don't like" offers a mine[field] of possibilities. You step inside it, and there's ten smiling children all saying "no" while shaking their heads "yes." There are nine pictures of children who enjoy the company of other children. In the tenth picture, a child is eating pudding underneath a giant red rain-hat and she's ready to go home. The tenth picture is me.

Sunday Top Ten: Hello Holiday. It's me, Tinkerbell. I'm Just Not That Into You.
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10. Fourth of July

The hot outdoors. Sticky hands. The inevitable consumption of beer, subsequent desire to nap and/or feeling of belly bloated by froth & bubbles & popsicle. Grilling meat into humid air, the clank of cheering bottles, the anticipation of watermelon never matching the pleasure of the fruit itself. Lying in dry grass, near dirt. The assumption that we ought to love America so badly we explode of it. Sometimes I avoid this holiday altogether, and instead write crazy blog entries ...

... but this year, we're celebrating! 'Cause it's Caitlin's favorite holiday and Alex is "really serious" about it. I've actually had some really spectacular July 4ths in my life ... and this year, it'll be the most fun ever. Like independence, which was also fun for the [white male] Americans.

Best July 4th Ever: 2001 -- my diary says; "What's better than the world -- literally -- bursting into sky? Cliches are cliches for a reason." I met up w/Olive Garden friends and we snuck into a private party at a riverside apartment complex to watch the fireworks. I wasn't carded so we drank free beer, ate from big bags of candy and shared candy with children. It rained afterwards and we dashed through it like sparklers.

New Best Fourth of July Ever: 2008! Can't wait!

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9. Lent

[fumiko shibata]

When I'm like, "I want to eat a cookie" or "I want to get sloshed," and you're like, "OMG, I gave that up 'cause of Jesus and Easter and bunnies," I'll be like, "That is lame, I hate you and your holiday, you're gay." Though I liked it when my friends would give up Nintendo, then we could play Pretend or House instead and I wouldn't be left out.

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8. Yom Kippur

This is the day of atonement. Though fasting is a thrilling & self-destructive way to pass the day, it's this holiday's persistent habit of falling on my birthday that makes me dislike it. 'Cause I don't want to atone on my birthday, I want to celebrate, I want cake, I was told there'd be cake, you know?

Best Yom Kippur Ever - 1999: Alone at Sarah Lawrence with an unstable body & mind, I managed Yom Kippur. I went to four services that day at the temple synagogue, fasted, slept, sat in the library with books and pencils and then went back to temple. I broke fast alone, and slowly. I felt actually quite connected to my spirituality that day -- to something larger, and to everything wrong inside of me -- and I'd like to get back to that place some day. Where I could be like, "Are you there, G-d, it's me Marieeee?!?!"

Also, I've been known to enjoy a noodle koogle or two. Break-Fast is the best.

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7. Malcom X's Birthday

I realized I'd been in Planet Harlem for way over a year when I went to 125th to get some coffee and found EVERY SINGLE STORE shuttered for five hours, just like LAST YEAR! -- even the corporate chains closed in "observance" of Malcom X's birthday. If Malcom X were still alive, he'd march right into CVS and get some Aveeno even if he had to get violent, I don't think this was his dream. So it's like a double penalty holiday. Personally, I like to celebrate birthdays of important political leaders by treating myself to a nice cold beverage at Starbucks, but that's just me, keep marching and yelling, wheee!

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6. Thanksgiving

I don't like meat that's on the bone, let alone the whole honking animal sitting there looking at everyone. Either I eat a lot of potato products or there's not anything I want to eat and then I'm hungry. So as you can see it never ends well, look what happened to the American Indians, I rest my case.

Best Thanksgiving Ever: 1999 - So weird that the holidays of my semester at SLC are far more memorable & brighter than my other SLC days and also brighter than holidays celebrated in other years. We made dinner in Meg's NYU dorm with portobellos instead of turkey and we drank Pepsi One and I read The Iliad and Stephen Dunn and wrote. I transcribed "Essay on the Personal" into my journal next to a postcard of a purple & yellow watercolor painting.

2006 was a good one too, 'cause my brother came all the way from New Orleans with home-made macaroni and cheese as his carry-on.

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5. Valentine's Day

[artist]

I think we should all buy each other presents every minute we want to, and sweet things for our lover's mouths. The problem with Valentine's Day is that everything is too crowded to make a reservation except way ahead of time, which means you'll need to have been in a relationship for at least a month, and who has that kind of time, you know? JK. It's just a lot of pressure on an arbitrary day of the year, I like things to mean exactly what they mean, no less or more. I feel gross about buying into the corporate hoo-ha. I do it anyway, but that's 'cause I've been brainwashed by The Man.

Best V-Day Ever: 1998 - Ryan pulled out all the stops. At boarding school, this was difficult, but he did, and he did and he did. The first Valentine's Day on which I had a Valentine, even if he was a homosexual.
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4. Ash Wednesday
'Cause the first four ashed-up people I see make me really confused. On the fifth I say "A-ha!" but those first four were like : "whoa, where's the fire?"
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3. St. Patrick's Day/Puerto Rican Day (TIE)

I don't like anything where streets are blocked from cars and opened to drunk lusty boys & parades, unless it's the Gay Pride Parade. Hey it's raining outside, someone's raining on my parade! Everybody loves a parade, except me. We used to go to a circus parade every year in Ann Arbor, there was always a big elephant and then little people running around the elephant cleaning up after it. I thought, I'd like to have little people like that, following me around with a bucket of water and a proactive protective spirit.

Best Puerto Rican Day Parade Day Ever: 2008! I saw Gypsy with my Mum and Alexandra and Caitlin while the parade raged on, then afterwards we dined at 44x10 at a table by the window. The atmosphere @44x10 is a lot like Cafeteria, so sometimes I mix up my memories from those places 'cause I've got a handful where I'm with Alex and Caitlin and Alex's hand is on my knee and I'm eating smashed potatoes and around us bright spritely servers with perfect gay hair weave between tables, their slim hips bopping in and out of eye level. The first time I ate there was w/Haviland for Kelli's birthday, and the costume of the day was "Tipping the Velvet," but I hadn't read it yet.

Best St. Patrick's Day Ever: Probs 2002. 'Cause I was with Chris at the fraternity, and I believed in jungle juice (that's what they called the red vat of alcohol and fruit we drank from, it was too dark to see the syphillis in the moonlight) and the pure, green holiday. I sat on the stairwell gossiping with two younger girls I'd befriended (other frat "girlfriends" -- we stuck together), one of whom would eventually be using my drivers license as her fake ID, and I told them all my ugly eager secrets as if they weren't ugly but glossy grasshopper gemstones. In the juice, the pineapples turned red, and then our mouths.

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1. Father's DayLast year's Father's Day was one of the worst days of my life, but that was just a coincidence. I was gonna do this topic last year actually but then got distracted. I like that on father's day I can say things about fathers without anyone worrying I'm thinking/talking about my father on purpose and therefore must be whining again, or truly upset. I will buy myself a tie or a pie, or maybe tell a lie to the sky, or have a baby and name him "Guy." The thing about Father's Day ... and Valentine's Day ... is that they're basically created to make us spend money at Sears or get a Chili's gift card or something, and so if you can't celebrate it and that makes you upset, you're letting Sears and Chili's win.

I remember me and Lewis on the couch, watching television in our bathrobes while our friends ate creamy breakfast foods with their stalwart fathers. We weren't the only kids on our couches, I'm sure. I didn't know that then though. Now I do.

Also, 'cause my parents apparently enjoy conceiving nine months prior to unhappy holidays, Lewis's birthday often falls on Father's Day. Not this year! Lewis's birthday is tomorrow! What are you gonna get him? I haven't decided yet personally, but probs an orange or a squeaky dog toy.

That's one of the things I heart about NYC; on any given holiday, there's at least a bazillion other people not celebrating. In other towns if you're not doing Christmas or St.Patty's, you're well aware that everyone else is. Skipping Independence Day or sans Valentine? You're never alone in New York! And we're all far away from our families -- logistically, tangibly. Or not at all, for some people. la-di-da!

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Just FYI, these are my favorite holidays (in random order):

10. Pride: good costumes, many gays, ppl feeling not alone and loathed in the world, lots of big gay parties.
9. Passover: Matzoh ball soup. Egg whites in saltwater. Honey Cake w/matzah meal. Macaroons. Passover Marshmallows. Atkins Diet.
8. Christmas: The spirit and everything. the ritual.
7. Columbus Day: ''cause that was always exactly when you needed a day off from school, not 'cause I like Columbus, obvs.
6. Halloween : I do not know who I am, but I know who I can wear.
5. Hannukah: Latkes, hot crackling oil, presents.
4. Take Your Daughter to Work Day: I love GapKids
3. Election Day!: Vote or DIE
2. Martin Luther King Day : liked going to the gym and singing "we shall overcome" with the whole school holding hands.
1. Rex Manning Day:
We mustn't dwell... no, not today.
We CAN'T.

Not on Rex Manning day!

Under Feet Like Ours, Under Vlogs Like Ours, Uh Huh ... Her.

On Monday night we went to see a music show featuring the band Tegan & Sara, it was quite delightful. I adore Tegan & Sara all over: music, witty banter, stage presence. Natalie remarked, "This is the best rock 'n roll concert I've ever been to!" I'm not gonna divulge how many concerts she claimed to have attended (en total) in her entire life, I'm hoping she may've been exaggerating for dramatic effect on that, like I often do. We've been besties since college, therefore we share some key personality traits, e.g., a tendency to spark up a story with a little glimmer of fiction. On a scale of 1 to 10, this particular post is written at a USA Today reading level. There will be a powerpoint presentation and short video after class, in the meeting room, with danishes. xoxo gossip girl.

I've got a lot of shallow vapidity to cover today, so on with it, yes.

Okay so; Tinkerbell didn't go to T&S, which was valuable foresight, 'cause we all accidentally wore brightly colored hoodies from the same store -- therefore, we already looked like the M&M's Street Team (or the Tellitubbies) and would've looked ridic w/the added element of comedy/childhood/dymensia implied by the tote-age of a stuffed de-strapped dog sporting American Airlines wings.

Luckily, Tink makes plenty of appearances in our latest vlog, which covers the following topics: durrrrr.

Honestly; I think I used all our best footage on the first one, recklessly, w/o any consideration for the future. Perhaps 'cause at that time I had bleak overall feelings about the future. Then, yesterday, I decided instead of hating everyone per always, I'd just love everyone! Really, I mean, it's just as fair/unfair.

Then, only hours after making that new life choice, I was forced to reconsider: some people enjoy, it seems, screaming along to Tegan & Sara's already quite harmonic melodies, therefore reminding me both why I hate everyone and of sing-a-longs in Kindergarten and on Sesame Street. I get the desire -- I do it sometimes too. But you don't need to SCREAM sing along, this isn't System of a Down or heavy metal rockers, they're quite lovely w/o your harmonies. I've seen the Indigo Girls live a bazillion times, so I know from sing-a-longs.

I think it's possible we're getting too old for this -- my companions agreed. Therefore, we'll have to pack the next couple years as full to the brim with this kind of activity as possible.

But really: the concert was awesome, there was loads of witty banter, and I enjoyed spending quality time with Cait, Alex, Stef, Natalie, Chase & Ang and Ms. Jackson. I'd talk about the concert, but how do you talk about concerts, I think that's like dancing about architecture, right? I think I said that last time, but then tried to write about it anyhow, and I imagine whatever I said last time goes for this time too -- I love them, they played this and that song, omg, are you jealous do you wish you'd been there omg. They told lots of cute stories, unfortunately Carly was not there and therefore I had no one to tackle when they played "Living Room," so we all left relatively unscathed. There was heaps of witty banter, like a story for every song, like Raffi! Super-cute.

Maybe Stef will do a cartoon recap?

Afterwards, someone tried to pass off a flier about some other place we could party at (unfortunately, I'd surpassed my daily allotment of "other people time" about four hours prior, also: sleepy sloos time) and Alex whooped and gave them a high-five. We inquired re: whooping, she looked dejectedly at the flier and said: "I thought it said MADONNA, not MONDAY."


So anyhow, we made this vlog. Believe it or not -- 'cause we do enjoy talking about the same things over and over again, and you might think I'm recycling old footage -- this vlog contains 100% all-new never-before-seen footage. Topics include: global warming, the health care system, Encyclopedia Brittanica, Fellini films, your Mom, truth in memoir, flying lesbians, how to get a date with Haviland, dancing lessons from Alex, the United Nations, world peace, and the proper position of second-wave feminist discourse within the modern fourth wave pro-sex feminist movement. JK, it's about nothing at all whatsoever.


Speaking of videos! Leisha & Cam have debuted their video for us (part of the Uh Huh Her SXSW Video Contest Winning Prize Package), and you can watch it here ! Obviously, they were held up in post-production -- special effects, animation, etc. Anyhow, clearly we'll be collaborating in the near future, 'cause I am really good at following people around and talking to strangers. No but honestly, wouldn't that be awesome! I'd be like "Alice, what the frickin' frack?" JK, totally professional, obvs.

One VLOG of Magic Rush w/Semicolon & Your Auto-Fun of the Day:: 4-7-08

I can't decide if I'm hot or cold: do I need a hoodie? Yes! No. Yes! I think I must be going through menopause, which it just took me five attempts to spell correctly. Anyhow, menopause wouldn't surprise me I guess, 'cause nothing does anymore! E.g., you're probs not too surprised that this isn't a Sunday Top Ten, and perhaps you're only slightly surprised that I haven't, in fact, posted anything since Friday night. Furthermore, my nail polish is chipping, I accidentally made a freshdirect order that was 50% wine 50% potato products, I'm wearing sweatpants (and a hoodie -- no, yes, no, yes) & listening to Tegan & Sara, I think someone just got shot on my street, I almost had to kill a bitch at the post office, and I've consumed approx. ten string cheeses this weekend. Also I don't think I've eaten a piece of fresh fruit since I lived at home in 1995. That's neither here nor there. Actually, I guess, technically -- it is right here.

So even though I wasn't able to produce much writing this weekend, I was near-done with a vlog anyhow and so I GOT IT for you right here and also, there's AUTO-FUN after the video. A Sunday Top Ten may or may not follow later this week ... so many things happening! I'm sure about 15-16 of you are on the edges of your proverbial seats for "Stuff I've Been Reading: March," and there's Autowin's Second Birthday and everything related to my new-improved awareness of your wants, desires & needs following the reader survey.

Sooo ... this week via "Hav (But Really A;ex) & Riese Vlog #22: Whatever You Want, Whatever You Need," I continue my Sisyphysian labor of convincing you that even though Haviland's still walkin' on sunshine in L-to-the-A, we can still make entertaining vlogs starring cute homosexual ladies/men. Upcoming guest vloggers include Carlytron and Natalie (who isn't necessarily homosexual, but is very open-minded and feminist). When exactly? I dunno. Eventually.

But srsly, this week's super-special, 'cause I figured out how to download movies off of youtube, and therefore our "Dancing with the Stars" tribute to Jodi/Marlee Matlin is ... um ... super-special? It's a good thing I didn't try to write anything real this week. Anyhow, topics include: SHE CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC, A;ex's loss of innocence, A;ex's love of the sport and/or Lozo, Alex's long career as a cheerleader experience, and the Tinkerbell/Littlefoot/RuPaul "thing."

Also I accidentally left a random clip on the end about 20 seconds after the video should end ... 'cause I'm a genius. I think it was fate, you guys really need to know about my bangs. There's more solid footage on this vlog left, which I'll probs integrate into the next vlog.

AND! Now! The Vlog soundtrack page has been updated.

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Auto-Fun of the Day :: 4- 7-2008
quote: "Maybe I've finally arrived at that high plateau / where philosophy lives with despair, / where nothing can be done but know / nothing can be done. / Maybe that's why I'm laughing, / why I feel like saying Jesus Christ / over and over again, as if it were a mantra / full of amazement and resignation." (Stephen Dunn, "Amidst the Faltering")

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links:
1) Bloggers have a lot of feelings, often die from it, the NYT is again about a year late on their latest trend piece: In Web World of 24/7 Stress, Writers Blog Until They Drop" ... also, some of it's kinda true ... but seriously, those salary claims again?! (@nytimes)
2) "Technically, I'm still reading about 400 novels."(@the elegant variation)
3) "The Best Books, articles, and web sites to help you organize your life" cites one of my favorite articles, "The Autumn of the Multitaskers." (@slate.com)
4) YES SHE CAN: "Scarlett Johanasson Makes Best-Ever Album By An Actor." (@nymag culture vulture)
5) Big Boi of Outkast has joined the Atlanta Ballet: "Pirouettes and Street Cred: Atlanta's Hip-Hop Ballet" (@nytimes)
6) It all began with Oscar Wilde -- "iconoclastic, bisexual, Irish" -- who "pioneered the cult of youth and turned himself into a brand." (@times uk)
7) Mixed-gender housing in college dormitories is "edging into the mainstream." (@boston globe)
8) accrding to sum smart ppl from harvard u, web vid's dont have 2 b "vapid" and so they made a site culled BigThink : "YouTube for Smart People" (@the nation)
9) "Do you get the impression that the Dalai Lama is not exactly the brightest bulb in the room?” Pico Ayer's new book "searches" for the enigmatic religious leader. (@nytimes book review)
10) I don't really know what to say about this clip from British drama "Skins": yay lesbian kissing, boo any references to "the power of the pussy"? but I can totally say thank you eric mathew for alerting me to "The Big Gay L Word Promo," which is fo'real funny. (@youtube)

We've Got Trees We've Yet to VLOG In With Semicolon: Half-Blog, Half-Vlog ... Are You Ready For Spring?

3/25: So Natalie got me this Lenny Kravitz t-shirt -- it was free. I don't care one way or the other about Lenny Kravitz, his music, or going his way ... but the shirt's delightful. I should make friends and then invite people over to look. I just turned on this magical box in our living room, it's fantastic. I was having trouble writing, then reading, then email and so here I am! This happened Monday night too: the deaf girl from The L Word was good in the dance show. I think I need to see Nim's Island, there seems to be a treehouse involved. The Office is funny.

3/26: Sometimes when I can't sleep I just look at photographs. Like Alex just told me about typeish.com, and I like the nerve photo galleries or photo blogs 'cause they get really ace photographers there, and mostly I can link out to good photographer websites and then follow links all through the night. Or I like her famed good looks and rion.nu and achtung baby.

So I was going to do a Top Ten called "Who DOES That"? You know that expression? Some questions I might typically include have, over time, answered themselves: Who reads Reader's Digest? My grandmother. Who listens to Michael Bolton? My grandfather. Who does crack? The people in my neighborhood. Who watches World's Wildest Police Chases? Matty, it was his favorite show, he LOL'ed: "Look how stupid those motherfuckers are! Isn't it funny?"

Like -- Who eats at Long John Silver's? I've seen advertisements. I've seen the yellow-and-blue shacks peddling fried seafood -- buttered lobster bites, jumbo fried shrimp, fried fish with hush-puppies, fries, you name the artery, it's got a product designed to clog it right up. According to its website, there's 12,000 LJS ... yet in the informal survey I've been conducting for the last few years, I don't know anyone who will admit to eating there. I'd also ask about White Castle, but my Mom used to wax nostalgic about her childhood and teenaged trips to the joint and former love for its burgers. But that was like a hundred years ago.

3/27: So, since I couldn't seem to pull together the actual blog I've been trying to write for today, I've decided to keep the good parts of it (about one paragraph total) as a springboard towards an even better blog later this week. So instead, for today, I made a vloggity vlog with Alex/Semicolon/A;ex!! Once upon a time, Alex Vega won the comment contest ... and now she's all grown up. It just goes to show you kids that if you dream it you can do it!

This vlog includes a discussion of many spicy topics, includin: Alex's suspiciously frequent visits to the dentist, a Katlitter tribute, drumsticks/cucumbers, RuPaul, alcohol, balls, flying lesbians, the meaning of life and Semicolon's famous comment which won her the comment contest back in October 2007. Special appearances via vintage clips of Haviland and Lozo.

Sunday Top Ten: Summer Scattergories

TB and I have played a lot of Scattergories this week. I'm adding that to the short list of "games I could beat TB at," along with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, Hi-Ho Cheerio and Scene It? ['cause though I probably haven't "seen it," if you will--she definitely hasn't seen it, giving me a distinct advantage, like playing Axis and Allies with George W.] One of Scattergories' highlights is the answers you're a little shamed to reveal. The answers you introduce with: "Um, so I put...." like TB's "Echinacea" as a "Flower," my "Japanese Businessmen" for "Things in an Airport" or my "Homosexuals" as 'Things Found in Pairs or Sets." Or the bad answers we BOTH put: e.g. "Drug Problem" as "Reason to Skip School/Work." We gave ourselves both a point. My new roommate Zoey claims to be the Scattergories Master. We'll get to the bottom of this within the next 7-10 days.

Also: It's getting really hot, and we still have bars in our windows, thus preventing the insertion of mammoth cheap air conditioner, which'll keep me frigid as I avoid the world all summer, per usual.

Summer+Scattergories=

SUNDAY TOP TEN: SUMMER-THINGS
which might be contested were we playing Scattergories, but which I'm quite positive are Correct Answers.

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10. R IS FOR Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder:

I talk about this every summer, such is the depth of my loathing for this season. In summary, I despise: temperatures over 70°, sticky melted frozen deserts on fingers, insects, steaming hot subway stations, scantily clad pedestrians, The Puerto Rican Day Parade, The Fourth of July, water-parks, public pools, street fairs involving selling food outdoors and death-trap "rides," unsupervised children that ought to be in school, Arctic-quality air conditioning on airplanes, the smell of rotting meat emanating from the corner deli, flip flops, hot rotting garbage on the street, the beach, tourists, shorts, men who whistle at girls in skirts, sunburns, sunscreen, razor-burn.

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9. I IS FOR Interns:

The popular "summer internship" corrals some of our country's most unbearable persons into the city. [e.g. LI Juiceheads prepared to feel subservient for the first time EVER at Goldman Sachs; at night they travel in droves to generic Upper East Side or Union Square-area bars to pick up girls who look like their mothers--crispy-tan, hair shiny and flat as grass--they talk too loudly in restaurants and self-consciously pat their gelled hair, and they will never change, this is who they'll be forever. Only when they get older it'll be more refined, and take up more space.] I've worked three part-time internships during the colder months, but never slugged out The Proper 9-5 Unpaid Summer Kind. Here's the thing about internships: it's a lot of workanyone'd probably resent earning minimum wage for. But, somehow the fact that they refuse to pay you AT ALL WHATSOEVER makes it totally appealing, like it must really be worth it. I mean, there's gotta be a huge payoff if you've gotta COMPETE with other kiddos for the honor of making copies and color-coding binders for free, right? I realistically realized that any full-time internship would be 8 weeks in which to prove to my supervisors that I hate fax machines, which would do little to improve my odds of post-internship employment. Or maybe that's just what I told myself so I didn't have to bother applying to them. I oughtta admit that I was an intern at the lit agency for one day before they put me on payroll as a legit Assistant, which made Krista [3-10pm, M-Fri, Non-Profit Theater Internship, $50 weekly stipend] and Ingrid [10-6, MOMA in Queens, 100% unpaid]'s blood boil. I really loved interning at nerve, and they did provide a little stipend, and "perks." Like being the Hippest Hipster EVER.

Oh and! I interned at US Weekly for about two days, but they grossed me out so I quit. That was during the winter, though.

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8. B is for Beach Bum Tanning Salon:

Because there's a sin to cure every ailment [e.g drinking has always done wonders for my allergies!], tanning totes cures eczema. And the bruises I've acquired from running into everyday objects like tables, chairs, and walls. Camouflage. Below I've posted a photo from Cruise '06. Just 'cause.

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7. L is for Lightheaded

Allergy season begins mid-August. Claritin, Tylenol Allergy-Sinus, Sudafed: That shit fucks me up. This's odd, considering the following: I've popped six Vicadin and then driven my car, had sex, and driven my car back home. I've downed an entire bottle of anti-anxiety pills and like, woke up the next day [I was just really stressed out/coming down off of something vicious, not trying to kill myself, weirdos, obvs I wasn't always the stunning pillar of mental health that stands before you today]. That's just the tip of the iceberg. But allergy medicine gets me all dizzy-like. Thus, I must choose between illness and feeling like my limbs are actually wings and my brain is just a helium balloon. I usually choose the former because it gets me out of stuff. Not work or anything--no one gives a shit--but like, being pleasant company, etc.

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6. G is for Girly

Last year, I wrote: "Girls sometimes wear those silly flowy hippie skirts, and boys sometimes wear cargo shorts. Both of these things make me not want to have sex with anyone ever." Luckily I have a girlfriend now, and I can't imagine her wearing a flowy hippie skirt. Though, if I were to imagine that, it would be a very funny image. Apparently, before an important family event in which she wore a dress, she was told by Father to degangsterize [her] lesbian stride. The original title of this topic was "M is for Men in Shorts" but then I decided that was too mean, and made me sound like a man-hater when I'm totally not AT ALL [Seriously though, what woman prefers men in shorts over men in pants? Aside from like, the girlfriends of basketball players and bicyclists?], so instead I thought I'd talk about how every summer I unleash my inner girl, who wears things like dresses and skirts. With Pumas.

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5. D is for Dunkin' Donuts

I hate their coffee but I heart their iced coffee. AND MAN DO I HEART ICED COFFEE. In the summer, the typically unpleasant Starbucks line becomes literally unbearable [like, I could lose my marbles there, even if they're playing some Goodthinkful music and I'm eyeing a memoir detailing a life about 10,000 times worse than this line could ever be], crowded with tourists and interns looking to cram as much sugar and sugar products into their coffee as possible, via gigantoid mintchocachino frozen whipped creamed caramel latte totesbag whatevers. D2 is cheaper and just as good/bad. All iced coffee is the same. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

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4. B is for Black:

I know only pasty Ozzfest-attending goth kids are supposed to don all-black in the summer, but I get really sweaty. Like, everywhere. Thus I recommend black camisoles from H+M. They last about three wearings before falling to pieces, but it's worth it. Disposable tank tops, if you will. Below, Lainy and I, outside of Girl-Nation in August '05, right after we were slammed in the head by an ambitious bouncer breaking into the bathroom. Either I'm still reeling from that event, or I'm like Gilbert! Gilbert! Hey, my shoe done fell off, Gilbert! Match in the gas tank boom boom boom!

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3. I is for Italian Restaurants, the Dark Empty Kind:

This is called "Twice Baked Lasanga with Meatballs." It's good for people who enjoy cardiac arrest and multiple trips to the company restroom. Originally introduced as a special, guests enjoyed this disgusting dish so much it's now on the regular menu.

I put in three summers at The Macaroni Grill [Ann Arbor, Michigan] and two at The Olive Garden [Times Square, NYC]. These aren't summer hot-spots, exactly: both serve 1,500 calorie bowls of Fettuccine Alfredo as a Lunch Entree when clearly it's not intended for consumption prior to performing any sort of activity, EVER, aside from "sitting on your couch" or "sleeping." While the psuedo-family-bar-culture restaurants in Michigan like TGI Fridays would draw crowds hoping for outdoor seating, a.k.a. a great view of the surrounding shopping malls, The Macaroni Grill's crowds remained sparse-to-non-existent. Aside from the occasional blessing of a soccer tournament or Charity Walk, Lizzie and I'd just sit on the wine-boxes and talk about sex [convos generally falling into two categories: 1. regrets, 2. masturbation]. In '00, the air conditioner broke at the OG, and we couldn't fix it [needed a helicopter, apparently? I dunno, Times Square, whatever] and gross sweaty people would complain on how it was soooooo hot and I'd be like "One of us has to be here. And it's not you. Fuckin' run for your life, gluttonous douchebags! Here's your salad refill, p.s.!"

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2. J is for Judaism:

My Mom didn't believe in "normal" summer-camp. There was no point in leaving home if we weren't gonna come back Holy.

Camp Ranana, the local Jewish day camp, totes defeated me; another opportunity to be reminded I wasn't as pretty/cool/"advanced in cup-size" as the other girls, though said girls befriended me always 'cause I told funny jokes.

At Zionist overnight camp, we slept in platform tents and had chores before breakfast, like "No oatmeal 'til you clean the bathrooms, kibbutzim!" I had an affair with the weirdest kid at camp, 'cause he intrigued me; his brother was a transvestite and he'd lost his virginity to his babysitter at 13 [in retrospect: True or False?]. He's probably bi now. Like, legitimately bi. Or else married and on a lot of psychotropics. That was the camp where we re-enacted the holocaust at 3 A.M. ["The Germans are coming! Get dressed and escape!"] and, after traipsing through the woods, playing a series of team-building games before exodus-ing to "The Land of Milk and Honey" at daybreak to cook potatoes over an open fire for breakfast and then I got sent to prison [the tennis courts] for forgetting to carry my passport. L'Chaim!

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1. L is for Lilith Fair:

Raise your hand if you went to the Lilith Fair. Raise your hand if you'd go again.

[Okay, back now. I had both hands raised, and could not type.]

Oh ... it still feels like yesterday ... I can almost taste the pita bread n' hummus and hear the Sarah McLachlan and smell the marijuana and the womyn-on-womyn lovin' ... sweet memories of Magali and I crankin' up the Indigo Girls "Shamin' of the Sun'" in her beat-up non-air-conditioned stick-shift Volvo on 1-94 to Suburban Detroit to sit in the grass in our faux-hippie-gear with our faux-hippie friends, having the realest time we could've ever had at 15 ... youth ... innocence ... summertime ... that was alright. Yeah ... that was alright.

ICHAT:

ME: Hey--did you ever go to the lilith fair?
HAVILAND: obvs. twice, amazing concerts.
HAVILAND: once with shannon and once with sherri
ME: if there was a lilith fair tomorrow, i'd go
HAVILAND: me too
HAVILAND: it was SO incredible
ME: i'd be like "I LOVE YOU TRACY CHAPMAN!!!:
HAVILAND: did u go?
ME: obvs, both years.
HAVILAND: i can't believe it stopped happening
ME: i know!
ME: totally a tease
ME: i guess that's lilith.

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The summer makes me do CRAZY THINGS, 'cause of RSAD:

Actually. Last summer was pretty awesome. Hm.
The Haviland, the Cruise, Williamsburg Wonder Twins, The Reading, Starting This Little Blog, Savannah, Pride, Nyack, Tasti-D, Official Summer Jam "S.O.S"

It's getting chilly now. I f'in love it.

Sunday Top 10: Project Fashion

It's Fashion Week. Think Ice-Capades, but skinnier and without skates.

Like most of the major events that occur here in New York City, my primary relationship to the event is:

1. Reading about it on blogs and other sources of breaking news.
2. Figuring out how to avoid the area where it is taking place (this was totally impossible when I lived in Sparlem on Puerto Rican Day, during which it took me 15 minutes to walk 3 blocks to the subway because i had to push through packed crowds of people wearing flags as "dresses" (like, I can dress really slutty, but there's slutty and there's like, so slutty I can use that term and not feel like a bad feminist) and beer-vendors riding around on ACTUAL DONKEYS.)

But because I have my pulse on the heart of New York City, this week's Sunday Top Ten will be about "Fashion."

UPDATE!: Gawker.com has described this list as: "Minus 6 and 5 these basically read like steps towards becoming the ultimate Vice "DON'T" of all time." WHICH IS AMAZING. I mean, think about it: baseball cap, sunglasses, handcuffs, wifebeater, black tank top, SWEATPANTS, legwarmers, white t-shirt, leather bracelet, police badge. That is basically the outfit of a homeless person who just robbed a police officer.


This Week, I will be showing off some of my best fashions. I will be showing these fashions in a runway show that begins at my bathroom and ends at the kitchen, with an after-party in the refrigerator, where I marvel at the fact that I accidentally ordered three giant bags of shredded mozzarella cheese from freshdirect but no cookies. If you want to know where to pick up the fashions that I will be showing this week and actually every week probably for the rest of my life (unless I get preggers, in which case I plan on lounging in hoodies and HardTail maternity pants), I would suggest: KMart, Mandees, your roommate, my roommate.

SUNDAY TOP TEN: TOP TEN FASHIONS you won't see at "Fashion" week.

10. Sweatpants and Not-For-Yoga-Yoga-Pants
Influences: toddlers (particularly those still "in diapers"), delia*s loungewear for college students, people who have given up all hope.

Krista and I often noted that our first stop upon arriving home--iPod dangling in one ear, voicemail light blinking on just-now-in-service cell phone, feet wet, urination needed immediately, starving as all get out, in desperate need of a shower--the first stop, always, always, always, is changing into sweatpants. This is evidenced by every photo of Krista and I taken within the walls of our apartment, in which we are both wearing sweatpants or yoga pants at all times. On the right is a photo of Krista leaping onto my back. You can tell that it's Sunday, because the Sunday New York Times is still on the floor. Actually, that doesn't mean much.

I've been wearing jeans at home lately because I read an article in "Writer's Digest" that said I would be more productive if I looked presentable.

9. That One Item Of Clothing You Got From Your Roommate and Never Gave Back That is Now a Staple of Your Wardrobe
Influence: Robin Hood, Krista, Jesse James, Mr. Dress-Up, Me, the old days when there wasn't any money so people would like, trade cows for other stuff.
So it starts out like this: person one says, hey, can I borrow this? Person two says sure, I never wear that. Person one wears it. Person one receives compliments on this lovely item of clothing she never would have thought to purchase for herself. Either you can spend the rest of your life feeling guilty about this, or you can make a list of all the items of clothing you have sacrificed over the years. I've taken a stunning black dress and black skirt from Maggie, and above you can see the legwarmers I wear about 10 times a week that I took from Lo. Above, it is a part of the ensemble that Haviland and I created for the Cyndi Lauper concert.

8. The Leather Wrist-Cuff
Influence: bracelets, S+M handcuffs, tracking devices, slap bracelets

I got mine for 5 dollah in the East Village and it has a little zipper compartment in it. This is where I keep my heroin. And my magic fairy dust. And probably a lot of germs. I have it on always, like Jesus.

7. Cop-Chic:
Influences: strip-o-Grams, police officers

I tried to convince my ex-boyfriend [redacted], who is now a member of the NYPD, to let me take a picture of myself with his gun. This is not the first time I've tried this with him. He told me that I could get arrested for illegal possession of a firearm (or whatever, I don't remember anymore). Then I realized that handgun laws are something I have never thought about for more than like, 5 seconds, but for the record obviously I don't really even know how guns work, I mean, I'm Jewish and from Ann Arbor and have never won an arm wrestling match against anyone ever. Anyhow this doesn't have a lot to do with fashion, but I think that the silver of his badge went really well with the silver of his handcuffs. Like Tiffany's. Also he let me out of the handcuffs, and I was a little worried that he wouldn't.

6. Hanes Boy-Briefs For Women
Influences: American Apparel Ads, Shane, Boys.

The problem with girl-styled boy briefs is that they don't always go all the way over your butt (I like to think I am not the only one with this problem), and the problem with boy-styled boy briefs is that they have a big sack for your wiener. I don't have a wiener. Also I like the style of boy-briefs. I still remember the day I went to the K-Mart in Astor Place and I saw these boy-briefs for women calling my name from the rack. I rushed towards the rack like the wind, wedging my way between the other underwears and the obese woman sorting through the discarded piles of "Just my Size" bras who looked at me like I was the devil's baby when I accidentally brushed one-tenth of her XXXL ass with my bag as I squatted to the ground to extract a pair of these or ten. I'm actually wearing some right now. The best part is, they go all the way over your ass, so that you can wear them with tight jeans and not have a panty line, and wear them to bed without showing any you-know-what. The photo on the left is Shane. The right is an Underwear model. Yes, I am seeing what you are seeing about this underwear model, which is why I want you to know it's not me.

5. Maggie's Cleaning Outfit
Influences: Betty Page, Edie Beale, Austin Powers' harem, leopards, saucy maids, sexy maids, sooo-not-desperate housewives.

I thought it was funny one of my first days at this apartment when Maggie was cleaning in six-inch platform shoes and a little mini-dress. I thought maybe she needed to do laundry or something but it turns out no, that's just what she wears to clean. Today she was doing it again and I think it's possibly the trend of the year, so I thought I would capture it here. You will notice the pairing of leopard print with wedges (Maggie calls them "my Fred Flintstone shoes") and Windex. It's post-modern-housewife-couture.

Me: Why do you clean in heels and a mini-dress?
Maggie: Because then I'm like "oh! I am so clean, what is this terrible mess! Like I'm very prissy and want things to be clean."

If you look at the photo in the upper right hand corner, that's when she was telling me that we should do a blog about going around the city doing all the things that everyone has done except me. For example she suggested: going to a strip club.

4. Sunglasses and Baseball Cap

Influences: Jay McInerney, sorostitutes, unabombers, Nicole Richie, J.T Leroy

It's always good to have these things in your going-out bag because you never know what could happen. Especially when, like me, you love Jesus but you drink a little. In the winter, this is less important, because we all wrap ourselves up like mummies and you can't really see how haggard anyone looks through all that (mummies are usually dead, so you see what I mean). For example, this past Thursday night, I went to see a show called "My First Time" with Heather, and in honor of the show's title, we declared "asking for it" (visible lingerie and high heels) the costume of the day. Then I slept there and the next morning I had to go home on the train in high heels and visible lingerie, like a hooker. Just kidding. I put those things in a bag. I like to save my walk-of-shame outfits for actual walks-of-shame, not just sleeping at a friend's place. I squeezed my 9.5-sized feet into heather's size-6 sneakers and borrowed a hoodie and tried to wrap my scarf up really high and look really devastated like maybe I was on my way to fashion week or to bomb the Baby Phat show.

Side Note: THIS ESPECIALLY comes in handy if you go out with rich guys who give you money to take a cab in the morning, because then you can just get on the train and then you made 20 bucks, like a proper hooker.

Side Note Note: I have not done this since 2004. I'm much more mature and less drunk now.

3. THE WIFEBEATER

Influences: Marlon Brando, Leonardo DiCaprio in 'The Basketball Diaries,' Gia, Shane, Hot Lesbians

Arthur: I have some kerchiefs and some undershirts. I hear some people call them wife-beaters, which I think is kind of funny.
Ruth: There's nothing funny about beating your wife.
(Six Feet Under)

That's true. But there is nothing sexier than your wife wearing a "wifebeater." I estimate I own about 40 wifebeaters, all hanes size small mens wifebeaters which I purchased in three-packs, or sometimes 6-packs. Every now and then it's nice to get new ones, because I wear them to the gym and get them sweaty, and also they are tighter when new. ALSO you must always wear TWO wifebeaters. Otherwise it is see-through. I learned this from Krista. She changed my life. When you consider that both of us chose our outfits when we are already 10 minutes late for wherever we are going, it is remarkable that this is the second time I've mentioned a shared fashion trademark.

2. The Black Camisole
Influences: I don't even know anymore. Eve? (as in, Adam and)

To your left you see the original black camisole in 1999, which was Calvin Klien, and generally purchased at Marshall Fields, when we went there on the mall bus. Then we would tie knots in the straps so that they wouldn't be so low cut, and our little midriffs would show above our baggy Abercombie/American Eagle/Levis jeans. Now I heart the H+M black camisole, of which I have like, 10, but 9 of them are broken, 'cause H+M is pretty cheap. I keep buying more, like a goldfish with no memory.

1. No. 1 Fashion Tip for Well-Muscled Boys from MEEEE
Influences: James Dean, Every Hot Boy Ever, and also Alice Piskei can rock a white t quite well.

You can try to do a lot of things to like, look hot, but really all you need to do is: 1. your hair, 2. put on a white t-shirt. That's right. Also, I like cologne, but that's just me. Oh and also, guys always look good in dark slightly boot-cut jeans, so I don't understand why some of you are still not buying boot-cut jeans. Carpenter pants are so '00, unless you are Melissa Ferrick or my friend (in which case I love you unconditionally), and tapered jeans are so NEVER.