Tuesday, January 27, 2009

H&R Advice Column - A Twisted Elbow Crush VLOG

Sooooo ... so much footage, so little time! Last week while in California for important reasons, Haviland and I hunkered down with iSight and answered a large stack of your pressing questions on video. So now I can add this footage to the stuff I still haven't edited from November and before long we will probs fix not only your problems, but also the economy, The L Word, and our allegedly "high speed" internet connection.

If you're interested in getting drunk tonight/today, then I'd suggest a H&R Vlog Drinking Game that includes one shot for every time I say the word "vagina." Seriously it rolls right off the tongue. No seriously, um, I like words that sound gross. Not sexy-gross like the "p***y" word, but sterilized-gross like "vagina" and "lesbian."

That paragraph (above) will be a good one for everyone who's landed here from the Village Voice article about Mary "REISE" Lyn Bernard, a "sex blogger" with a "valley girl tone" often spotted at "sex savvy events about town" when she's not "goofing around" with her "live-in partner Natalie." The last one is clearly the funniest part, I'm sure Natalie's boyfriend agrees. I'm also very curious about these sex-savvy events, are they talking about Tegan & Sara concerts? Probs. I hope there's a special place in heaven for "sex bloggers" who never blog about sex, 'cause that's where I'm going. It's gonna be hawt, everyone's gonna say VADGE a lot like Julie Goldman. I think they met "Sexy Blogger" and clearly were talking about Haviland, she's the hot one, I'm the cool one.

We answer three pressing questions. Upcoming vlogs will include answers to additional questions and a lot of nonsense and Alexi's Closet outtakes.

H&R Advice Column #7/Haviland & Riese Vlog #34 (I know it's supposed to be 33, but I'm retarded. Maybe the next one will be #33 to make up for it?) STARTS NOW!


Alexi said...


1. I love Katy Perry too.

2. I hate to tell y'all this, but you were singing incorrect "Mmmbop" lyrics. the CORRECT lyrics are as follows:

Mmmbop ba duba dop ba doobop ba duba dop ba doobap ba duba dop ba du.

Its fine, you can judge me now. its fine. but they ARE correct.

Anonymous said...

huzzah! im embarrassed at how excited i am to watch this.

Anonymous said...

q for quail? amazingg for real also excellent use of new transitions. hav's hair looked good. i like chips.

a;ex said...

There were so many things about that that were amazing. There's something really magical about your advice columns.

brb I'm gonna spread this 'round the internets like syphilis.

(Really though, whats with the extra "Q"?)

Hi Haviland!

Elizabeth said...

I can't stand Katy Perry. I'll take her apparent doppelganger, Zooey Deschanel, any day.

The most letters I've ever seen in one grouping is LGBTQQAAP... Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Asexual, Ally, Pansexual (I had to ask about the whole ending...)

carlytron said...

This is my favorite advice vlog yet. Riese, you said "vagina" a whole lot, I don't know how I feel about that.

Srsly, I had a long and crappy day and this made it much, much better. So, thanks guys!

Hi Hav!

Bailey said...

The alphabet soup most used at my University is LBGTAIQQPA - Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgender Asexual Intersex Queer Questioning Pansexual and Asexual.

It's not the 'official' acronym (that being just LBGTA), but I like it. :D

eric mathew said...

douche bags are hygenic products, i'll take that as a compliment.

i forgot to send in a question. i don't really have one because i'm way to fucked up to need any help. i mean idk.

i'm so scared of gay bars. i know me... never been. i'm just to afraid... i think qaf (queer as folk obvs) really scared me. BADLY.

katy is amazing. once she called in on the radio from a bathroom. idk she is crazy. did u see that katy perry video i made??? well you should watch.


i didn't win the contest... but whatev. atleast it was for my gurl.

anyway hav looked cute. i enjoy her hair curly... crimped... idk. i really like the shorter doo. and the glasses. oh sundance... PROP 8... ah.

anywayz., i digress.... i hope you had fun in LA. were u like LC or Whitney this trip? i'm gonna go with LC.

anyway back to writing my book Jill and the City.


autumn m said...

so many amazing parts of this. if it really was a drinking game, you would have to say vagina a lot more. maybe you should make a vlog of just a bunch of people saying vagina. thats a thought.....
i love Haviland's old gay man voice.
and if one is stuck in a closet, calling a locksmith is a smart idea.
but my most favorite part of the entire thing. the one thing that just made it super duper amazing...... the Lady Gaga music. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

autumn m said...

p.s. i dont understand that show, A Double Shot At Love. it makes no sense to me what so ever.

BioGal said...

Okay, so it is 5:40am GMT and in five hours I meet with my supervisor - having no actual work for him, I thought I'd just take my laptop and show him your video - 'look, international opinion gathering - that's like research, no?' I think the quail issue might confuse him though... Actually, the many-lettered acronym we most frequently use is FABGLITTER, which totally leaves out queer and questioning, which is just rude, right?

Anyway, staying at University to ride out the recession sounds like a smart economically-driven argument - rather than me just being lazy and liking the cushty lifestyle. Plus I don't have any loans and am actually making money being here - so it seems like an all-round awesome plan.

Oh, and I wish I was doing monkey mating habits now! Security and identity studies is paling in comparison.

Thanks for the advice - I'm off to start my future now...

PS Why would Haviland assume I am a boy - do I type in a really masculine fashion? Should I be worried?

Vashti said...

Damn, I was going to watch this earlier so I could comment super fast/first and be really cool or something. But that didn't happen because I went out and tried to get onto the roof of the volcanology building. Long story short, that didn't end up happening because I am not a Lilliputian/toothpick who can crawl through tiny spaces. Then I came back, watched this and hoped that no one had already said what the second Q stands for but obvs I failed with that too. Then I wanted to bust out the longest acronym that I had ever heard for that but everyone else had longer acronyms already. So. Yeah. I feel like a giant bundle of epic fail.

Anyways, the vlog was lovely as was expected. I can't wait for the next one [mainly because I want to see if my sleeping question gets answered because I haven't gone to sleep before 2 am for 5 days now]!!

PS - How's your tongue?

Haviland Stillwell said...

Biogal - no need to worry! i will no longer make any assumptions! we actually had a whole convo about your gender, and decided you were a girl, but of course, that is on the cutting room floor. alas.

riese, ace editing, kiddo. love the transitions.

a. said...

Ah always so nice to see you two doing these together.

I have absolutely nothing important to say, as per usual... just a question. What brand of jeans do you crazy kids wear? I can't seem to find any good ones. The only ones I've bought recently were J-Brand, which are fine, but I'm desperate for decent jeans.

Ps. Really Katy Perry? Really?

Crystal said...

I agree with Haviland, ace editing.

I think that "save your dignity" is awesome advice that should be dealt out more often.

Also, the quotes from the Village Voice had me laughing for the better part of the afternoon. Is there a link to this article?

Anonymous said...

Riese thanks for your advice.
I will of course get right out and find me a skanky bisexual. Got to say tho my pregnant best friend is a hottie and i really think in any other circumstances she would be an excellent choice. When i went to an Uh Huh Her concert alone she was very concerned for my safety amongst all the gays and insisted i mustn't go out without a wingman again. Whatevs, maybe i should have included this additional background setting info in my question. Either way thanks for the advice.

sherri said...

I like the word "vagina" but I really don't like the word "lesbian." I always thought someone could come up with something cooler. Which is why I'm bisexual. JK.

I love the vlog, as per usual, though I don't love Katy Perry. Nice use of "Let's Dance."

Anonymous said...

I love beautiful women. With that being said- Thank you.

Mary Kate said...

Very entertaining vlog. About the pregnant woman in a bar-the only thing I can say is that it's less disconcerting than seeing a baby in a bar. I've seen too many babies in bars this past year, and I always worry about the baby's potential hearing damage.

Also, as a grad student, one of the best perks right now is the job security. However, I can understand wanting grad school over as fast as possible.

laura said...

did haviland actually compare a double shot at love to tegan and sara?
i liked both of you hair. that's a horrible sentence.
also, dear maybe-gay girl: know what's better than gay bars and grocery stores? urban outfitters. on the dark side, you have to pick through the gross hipsters, but on the bright side, all the gays work there and you don't need a wing-thing. i am half not-serious, but mostly i am.

Franké said...

yet again classic! I wanna vlog!!

riese said...

Alexi - We'll have to stage a re-do of the MMM Bop festivities on the next Alexi's Closet.

Karmen - I'm energized by your excitement to watch this!

Jersey - I like quail chips! I like ice cream! what do you mean about the new transitions?

a;ex - I think you should spread it 'round the internets more like pot brownies so that everyone will be laughing and dancing.

Elizabeth - Questioning? Really? People who are questioning I don't think need advocacy for their human rights as specifically different than, say, the troubles of someone "Queer" or Bisexual. Weirdos. Also weird to me is Asexuals being included. I feel like they have a lot of issues for sure, but it doesn't really relate to the gay agenda/culture -- like "let's just put all the sexual deviants in one big achronym!" I dunno. What do you think?

carlytron: I think it's Julie Goldman's fault. Ever since I saw her roar around like Dykezilla and say "vadge" and "vagina" a lot, I just can't stop. Yay! for improving your day!

Bailey: That is CRAZYTOWN! I feel like the last thing we need is more labels. I would like to start a group to advocate for changing the entire achronym to "Q." Just queer. We're all queer.

eric mathew: Your comments are per always magical. I know nothing about LC or Whitney but trust your authority. I thought Babylon on QAF looked sort of kickass. You should go to Posh in NYC, it's hawt. I can't wait to read "Jill in the City."

autumn m: I feel like I said it enough times for you to get a little buzzed. Haviland does voices really good. It's one of my top ten feelings about Haviland.

I also don't understand the double shot of love. I watched it once and decided it's probs the worst thing to ever happen to humanity.

I think Lady GaGa is responsible for the vlog's awesomeness.

BioGirl - I think 'cause we did two answers related to school in a row and the other one's author had a masculine username so maybe she got confused. In fact Haviland's comment (below) about this refers to the other question, not to yours. Obvs boys can't go to Wellsley, so I knew what was what.

I can't wait to hear what your supervisor thinks of the blog! Haviland thinks you should leave school now and get a job, I think you shold stay, so I don't know if we helped at all. But if you're not accruing loans, then I think stayin is a good idea.

Vashti - Hey, 2 AM ain't bad. The story of your night = brill. My tongue sucks but I think might be getting slightly better. Perhaps I am now eating the insides of my cheek and sides of my tongue at night while sleeping to avoid touching the part I bit off, 'cause now I've got all kinds of new problems.

haviland: I am still confused about the transitions everyone is referring to. Is that like when someone wears an ugly dress and you're like "well, your hair looks good."?

a. It is always so nice to do these together.

I wear a lot of different kinds of jeans. Usually for reasonably priced jeans I go to American Eagle, 'cause they do 36 inch inseams. My hot jeans are James. I also have Levi's but they're super baggy, and some Yanuk jeans which I like a lot. I usually shop at discount stores like Filene's Basement and stuff.

Crystal: Here is that fabulous link:
Meet New York's Sex Bloggers.

I feel like I never really save my dignity. That's something I hope to get beter at with age.

Anonymous: I'm glad that you are going to find a skanky bisexual. Literally there's so many of them, or even a skanky lesbian. After your friend pops out her baby, she'll enter ideal territory of a good friend who's willing to give you space and wants to support you. She's probs the best choice.

Sherri: Oh lesbian is a terrible word, that's why I like it!

Anonymous: You're welcome.

Mary kate: That's true but it's probs not even close to being as disconcerting as seeing a baby in the Olive Garden at 1 am with drunk parents. I just feel it's a bad example.

laura: She was kidding about T&S, like when paris asked if they sell Walls at Wal-Mart. I think that sentence would be better if it read "I like both of your hair," but wait, also that also sounds bad. This is going to drive me crazy.

Good call with urban. Guess who worked there for two years? Carly. Guess where the shirt I'm wearing is from? Urban. Point proven.

Franke: Thanksss!!!

Elizabeth said...

I do think that the acronym is getting a little out of hand. I mean, I understand the whole point is to be an inclusive community, but come on. I think that LGBT(Q) is more than sufficient. I also like your idea of just switching to Q for everything. I like the word queer better than the word lesbian anyway. Lesbian sounds like a disease to me...

DJL said...


in kc said...

Wow, I only can't say that was the best vlog ever because I like them all. But that one was spot on. Congrats.

BioGal said...

Having just seen the latest article on vlog #36 (http://www.autostraddle.com/haviland-riese-advice-vlogs-46788/) and commented (twice!) - I wanted to revisit the original and see what sage advice you had for me and whether I followed it appropriately. Well, good news - I did. I stayed in school and -yay!- I'm staying in for another! Thanks a bazillion!