Thursday, May 15, 2008

Auto-Fun, Etc., for a Great Bright Beautiful Tomorrow :: 5-15-2008

A'ight ... first off a brief Autowin PSA. This'll be like a Lozo PSA, except without the big-girl bashing ... or like a TV PSA ... except I'm certainly not about to tell you "don't do drugs," that'd be boring. Do drugs, come on, you only live once, and you defo only overdose like 2-3 times, max. No seriously. Also, I won't tell you who to vote for (*cough* Obama), or if you should choose recycled or unrecycled paper. I'm gonna talk about myself. That's right. Mememeememe. For a change.

I don't talk about this stuff, because I think it's on my Top Ten list of lame things to talk about ... but, although my friends enjoy mocking me (as per their writings [(1) OMG Stef's cartoon recap is up! LOLZ!] and recent comments), the truth is ... I'm a big huge rockstar, and whomevs wants to yell at me on the street (please use only my rockstar name, Van Halen) (Haha! I'm so funny! I mean, Automatic Win!) should go for it. It fuels my big rockstar ego and I'm totes used to it. Later, me and Penny Lane and the other girls, we go down to the river, and we see our friends at the record store.

No fo'reals reals, as at least 4-5 people can attest but really only I can say for sure ('cause only I receive my ingoing and outgoing correspondences with excellent verbal and oral communication skills), I do from time to time receive emails/comments, or hear people know about me from friends, or witness real live-conversations regarding recognizing me ... and sometimes also people talk to me! In public!

It's more likely, however, that I'll get an email the next day, probs 'cause I talk about my social awkwardness often, therefore I: a) have socially awkward readers, b) have non-socially awkward readers who don't know how to talk to someone who's already explained 100 times that they don't know how to talk, period. Therefore, they don't wanna talk to me 'cause they don't wanna risk a panic attack or, really, anything involving me responding in "not the cowboy way" or in a way not evident of the aforementioned rock stardom. c) I'm not a very exciting person to meet, 'cause I'm weird/not actually a rockstar.

I remember I the first blogger I really read was waking vixen, and I'd see her places but never say anything, because I'm a weirdo. Then she posted a post saying, "Hey, if you see me, say hello," or something to that effect. I'm certainly not going to go that far -- if you see me, feel free to say hello, but also, feel free to say nothing, or to write later, though I'm bad at writing back (I'm better at passive forms of procrastination, like "reading emails") ...

Anyhow, this was leading to some sort of point ... oh! I'm sure about 25% of you are socially less awkward than me, and actually might consider yelling at me on the street, and I just want to be sure that no one is deterred form doing so in the future by thinking it's a revolutionary act based on all the recent chatter. 'Cause it's funny, and awesome, and rocks like a rockstar.

Oh also, from my top ten favorite second-hand stories ... someone asked my roommate, upon her reveal that auto-win was her roommate, if I was "that crazy in real life." (Yes!) (No!)

Anyhow, I have the whole "omg, it's so awkward," routine down pat, I do the same thing every time, it's actually a whole new kind of lame. It's much easier w/Haviland, 'cause she's good at conversational arts. Also, you can just throw money at me, or yourself/your body. The latter option has offered thus far a 100% success rate.

If I'm out in public, chances are, I'm already drunk, and therefore vulnerable to your wanton affections. This is how I always end up in an alley somewhere, up to my elbows in won-tons. Like the soup!

OK, that's all. Really, only 20 people read this blog, the rest of the commenters are just me jerking around. That doesn't fly for The L Word Online, I'm not taking responsibility for 75% of those commenters, but also, I'm not certain they read my recaps, I think they just have a lot of Bettina related feelings they want to share ASAP.
On youtube, "Videos being watched right now ..." is like 'everything that is wrong with the world. Terrible pop star, bloody sports, emo tree, something involving glitter, girl with her red thong panties around her ankles. Ta-da, this is America!
I've been thinking lately about increasing leisure -- remembering a time before I was determined to exist with 150% productivity at all times and never be at rest. As long as I haven't finished (or started) the proverbial book (which really exists on a symbolic level at this point), haven't paid off my debt, or had seven babies and eaten pickles with cream cheese in my bunny slippers, I haven't earned leisure (the latter doesn't count as "leisure," 'cause even though there's slippers, I'm preparing for birthing ritual). Howevs, I've decided that I'm going to take unearned leisure from now on, to prevent losing my mind.

Sidenote: Hanging out w/a friend counts as "doing something" 'cause "hang out with ____" is one of the things you can put on your to-do list and then cross off right away, I like to have as many of those things as possible. E.g., "email Mom," and then I'm like, omg, just did!

Speaking of Leisure ... tonight, Philadelphia here we come! A;ex and Cait and I are heading to Uh Huh Her. We're a bit worried that Rovermom might be there, and if so, I'd like to let her know especially that emailing the next day is fine, let's not throw punches.

Auto-Fun!With your host, me, the girl that writes this little blog.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
quote: "When I was 28, four or five years after I quit playing music, I married a postmistress. Because she was pretty. Because she was sweet and she loved me. So that we could have two sons who could both be drummers like their dad. For those reasons. But also so I wouldn't have to wait for my mail. Because there's a letter coming, a letter from the actor James Dean. And here's what it will say: If the life you lead is not the one you dreamed about, then flee." (Rick Moody, "The James Dean Garage Band.")


@ Granta: (2) Web Habits of Highly Effective People. A.L. Kennedy, who I mentioned before 'cause he wrote my least favorite story in The Book of Other People says, "I don't blog or Facebook. If I want to write, I'd rather do it to some kind of definable end."

He's got a point. But it's funny that it's him, specifically, making this point -- the author responsible for that story I hated -- howevs, I did preface my dislike with my recognition of the fact that A.L Kennedy is more successful than I'll ever be.

Now I'm blogging about blogging about hating Kennedy's story 'cause Kennedy himself said --in an article I'm blogging about right now -- that not-blogging is the secret to his success, and if that's not meta, then, well, I QUIT. Also, someone make up a abrev for "meta," STAT, I've got monkeys to save. The tornado isn't going to stop on its own accord.

Also, via the same Granta piece ... Maud Newton's (3) detailing of her ADD-writing habits, which reminded me of my own, almost exactly. I relate to Amanda Gersh's habits. Oh, Granta, how perfect this piece is for me today! A success! Unlike me, much like A.L Kennedy.

'Cause I have this theory? [cue Angela Chase theme music] That my time managment issues relate to me being my own boss. My own motivator. It's hard to come up with daily self-motivation. Probs all the world feels this way, which's why other people work at the dairy queen & are closely supervised at all times. Clearly I'm too hard on myself, and deserve a pat/rub on the back.

More on reading habits & styles at (4) Light Reading.

Obvs I like to limit my perusal of book criticism to one author and one author only, Uh Huh Her, I mean, Sam Anderson, but (5) I love any reviewer who opens with: ""Bright Shiny Morning" is a terrible book." Usually I think all book sales are good for publishing and therefore won't bash authors, but James Frey is not good for publishing, bash away.

My internet's been in and out all day -- I'd rather just have it or not, this way's such a tease. The articles are taking full hours to load, it's pretend dial-up. I write an email, and 40 minutes later, it sends! It reminds me of downloading songs overnight many moons ago ... sticking in a CD to burn, leaving home for a semester, then returning to find it: Ree's Hot Mix, Happy Hannukah to ME!

OMG, the plus-sized girl won on (6) America's Next Top Model! Oh, it's a hoax, obvs, everyone knows plus-sized models aren't real, like unicorns and fraggles.

Critical Mass has an (7) interview with Jeff Gordiner on his book "How Generation X is Saving the World." And he includes this Borges quote, which I love:

quote #2: "A man who cultivates his garden, as Voltaire wished/He who is grateful for the existence of music./He who takes pleasure in tracing an etymology./Two workmen playing, in a cafe in the South, a silent game of chess./The potter, contemplating a color and a form./The typographer who sets this page well though it may not please him./A woman and a man, who read the last tercets of a certain canto./He who strokes a sleeping animal./He who justifies, or wishes to, a wrong done him./He who is grateful for the existence of Stevenson./He who prefers others to be right./These people, unaware, are saving the world." (Borges, "The Just")

Let's finish up:
(8) The Chicago Tribune insists that "no man" should be forced to sit through the Sex and the City movie. Stef, Cait and I had a serious team meeting last week regarding the fact that we've already put May 30th in our calenders and have been looking into getting tickets online. Errr/Durrr. (@the chicago tribune)
(9) I'm still not entirely certain why people la-la-la-love these Nintendo Wii machines, but apparently they can now also work out?: "Wii Fit" (@ny times)
(10) Science has confirmed that all the neurotic people live in New York City and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call "bringing it back around." Thank you and goodnight. (@the boston globe)


eric mathew said...

it depends on the person.

one person says eric

another eric mathew

and some eric mathew's for real crazy.

but Haviland "Little Bird" Benanti can call me anything she wants.

thursday night im free and i SO saw your gonna be in my neck of the woods.i should so suprise you with ronnie...that would be nuts.

caittt said...

umm did you just call me caitlin? who do you think you are, leisha hailey?

a;ex said...

the thing with Rovermom (re: throwing punches) was hilarious. But please, no worries... I beat bitches up.
This is a fact, please see Stef's cartoons for reference.

I'm so glad "caitttt" is back. sometimes the "anonymous" would confuse me.

if I see eric mathew tonight, I'm screaming "its eric mathew y'all!" on the street while hopefully whooping in a solicitors face.

NEP said...

ok, i will comment now in the clear (hungover) light of day -- this time with both eyes open! yay!

i think i actually heard (remember hearing?) roughly 1.75 songs that uh huh her played last night, but cam totally intro'd a stuffed pink dog on stage and i feel it might be tinkerbell's soulmate so i hope she busts it out for your show, too.

my only advice to you is: house tequila is a poor choice and stay away from the leisha fanatics. the highlight of my night was seeing one get TACKLED by security.

eric mathew said...

listen all i'm saying is what means of transportation are you taking in...because if its the train...well thats about a block from my apt and i will be there in a hot minute.

Haviland Stillwell said...

O to the mg, if y'all meet emc tonight I'm going to be so jealous for reals...please get it on camera, lozo-haviland meeting style. (I just thought about deleting that, but its been a while since I've handed something so purely to mr. Dave lozo. So there you go.)

Have fun tonight!

Crystal said...

I think I've met two people in Sydney who know who you are. You're really big in Australia. One was a bartender and the other a Front End Analyst obvs.

Give my love to Rovermom.

oo lynnie oo said...

oh Philadelphia. ohhh uh huh her...have fun!! sadly I won't be there I'll be in my basement ( tho still in philadelphia ) (sup flyers?! what are lozos feelings about hockey??) - but you can imagine me awkwardly hovering in your general area thinking about saying hi. I wonder how I would address you in real life? like "heyyy...that girl called automatic win.." obvs I'd intro. myself with a very enthusiastic OOO LYNNIE OOOOOO. freals have fun!

Dave Lozo said...

my name is in this one!

CTRL F tells me this post rocks!

A. said...

So I was wandering around Chapters bookstore (Dear American neighbours, do you guys have Chapters?)

ANYWAYS....There are about 3 of these stores I visit occasionally since all of them carry different stock. It's ridiculous. In all three of them, random books have bright purple stickers that say "Heather Recommends". Thing is, who is this Heather? Why doesn't anyone else recommend anything? Why does she have such influence over three stores?

This brings me to point number two. My entire reading list over the past few months have "Riese Recommends" books. I’m half way through This Book Will Save Your Life by A.M. Homes and it's amazing, and I want to thank you for introducing such a wonderful author into my life.

Have fun in Philly singing along with Uh Huh Her (and showtunes with Eric Mathew).

Jaime said...

1. I think I am awkwarder than you are, or together our awkwardnesses feed off each other and increase exponentially.

2. I cannot for the life of me, even with the help of google, remember the AL Kennedy story. "Frank." I probs hated it, too, but remind me what it was?

3. On your fame - I thought I discovered a friend was also a reader of yours, but it turned out - I think - he found you through me. (Adam, care to confirm or deny?) But hey, I'm happy to spread the love. (Hi Adam.)

Meghan said...

If you are ever in Vancouver and in my vicinity I'll do my best to throw either myself or some loonies at you. Or at least I'll email you later and tell you I thought about doing it.

Also, you all weren't M&Ms, obvs, you were Skittles.

whitney said...

you are incredibly verbose

Adam said...


I started reading Surplus in the era of the great Weenie Roast of aught-seven, so there was much linking of the auto-win. Though, full disclosure, I actually first knew J and I would be friends because of a comment she left here. It was a complicated time in the internets.

If I saw you on the street, I would probably scream out "HEY YOU" because I have name anxiety, and I'd be afraid that either a) it would be not-you or b) I would choose the wrong version of your name to scream out. I have this problem during sex too. No I don't.

Totally unrelated to the post at hand...I finally started reading No one belongs here more than you yesterday and it is rocking my face. Updates to follow as my face gets further rocked.

Jaime said...

Adam, it wasn't because our mutual friend told us so?

(Okay, done hijacking the comments for a conversation. Well, done after Adam answers that.)

Adam said...

An introduction never hurts, but the ability to use idealized sense-memory in a sentence is a true foundation for friendship.

end hijack.

riese said...

eric: I'm not sure yet why exactly we didn't see you last night, there was a lot of feelings, a lot of things happening, but I hear there's a video explaining it all and I'll look into this shortly ...

caittt: Well, If I did ... I might hug everyone!

a;ex: I love that despite the fact none of our predictions came true, all of our wildest dreams totally did! I mean, Tinkerbell's!

nep:: They play about 10 songs so really you caught most of it I think, totally they have a stuffed dog named Henry they said but he's in a relationship which's fine, 'cause Tink is in a relationship too with Littlefoot, but they might get to meet each other on Tuesday in which case magic could really happen!!!

eric: Oh, this is all so hard to comment on in retrospect. We took the car! By car!

haviland: I know, we would've gotten it on camera too ... luckily philly remains only a hop skip and a jump away ...

crystal: I love a good Front End Analyst. So much better than delivering deliverbales the other way, you know?

oo lynnie oo: WE totally thought of you, and btw, if you had passed us on the street, you should say "OMG IT"S ME OOO LYNNIE OO!" and then we'd scream at you and it'd be a big love fest.

dave lozo: Reading it would provide even deeper insight, I think,.

a. We do not have Chapters bookstores. I bet Heather is the manager, or else a very ambitious employee. I love the idea of "Riese Recommends," it warms my heartstrings. I haven't even read This Book Will Save Your Life, I've read four of her other books but not that one. I should though yes? She is so amazing, I love her to pieces. I'm so full of love today! You're so welcome.

jaime: Oh no I didn't find you in the least bit awkward.
It was called Frank, and it opened with 'The cinema was tiny: twelve rows deep from the blacked-out wall and the shadowy doorway down to the empty screen, which had started to stare at him, a kind of hanging absence," and then went on to describe everything like something involving cutting onions or his wife and a bath or something? It was painful.

meghan: I love Vancouver! Omg, maybe I should move THERE. Yes, yell as loudly as possible, I la-la love it clearly. (for real)

whitney: Okay say it again, but louder and on the street.

adam: You mean the great gay and lesbian weenie roast of 07? Looking to add more gay into your day?! That's the second reference to that book I've gotten today, and I love it more every time. If you saw me on the street, I think you should yell "HEY JEW" 'cause it's similar and it rhymes, and if its' not me, then probs it's someone else who might be Jewish and then you could be like, what's up, let's go get some matzoh. etc.

jaimie and adam: OOO! Hijacking! Fun! I love sense memory.

Jaime said...

I cannot remember that story at all. The only movie theatre story I remember was the godawfully depressing one about a movie critic. Guess I repressed it.

Dave Lozo said...

i read it. so basically, you want people to yell at you, you make up all your comments and people who throw their bodies at you can have sex with you and some won tons in an alley?

duly noted.

A. said...

"I haven't even read This Book Will Save Your Life, I've read four of her other books but not that one. I should though yes?"

What?! Go read it. Read it now. It's now officially on your summer reading list. I expect a full book report in September.

eric mathew said...

okay dear. got the message and trust me it will be worth your wait. i mean its a tad crazy but it will brighten up the rainy day.