Open Letter to The Future: You've Got Your Whole Life to Lose, Let's Auto-win Some!

I have some ideas about the future. Welcome to a special edition of the Carousel of Progress.

So I get it, I read the news, we're apparently facing some kind of worldwide economic apocalypse. This all seems unreal to me, not 'cause I've been immune to its impact -- because trust me, my consistently near-empty pockets are particularly empty these days -- just 'cause the economy is a structure we set up, like ... as humans? Why'd we invent something so crummy, and why can't we take it back, like a broken toaster? "No thanks, we prefer the fire pit after all, works every time?" I'm down to hunt & gather.

I've been thinking about the future because:

a) I've been reading the answers to What's Your Dangerous Idea? ("The history of science is replete with discoveries that were considered socially, morally, or emotionally dangerous in their time ... What is your dangerous idea? An idea you think about (not necessarily one you originated) that is dangerous not because it is assumed to be false, but because it might be true?") the 2006 question posited by the Edge World Question Center to top scientists around the world.

b) Obama, the economy, the environment ... there's been a lot of talk lately about ... well ... what's gonna happen next.

c) I've been trying to think about the future in a real way lately now that I'm actively increasing rather than decreasing the probability that I'll be around for that much more of it. It's freaky, I don't even know if I love time travel anymore! I guess I only like backwards time travel. I just want to churn butter in my Little House on the Prairie, that's my true destiny in life.

I have some ideas about things I would like The Future to consider for our future.

Okay, dear the future here are some things I would like to see:

1. Factory: The Magazine: So OurChart's over, The L Word's almost over, so many magazines & newspapers are vanishing, and I feel many bloggers are losing steam or simply the time to do so much unpaid writing ... I feel now's the time for someone with a good voice -- hopeful but careful, snarky but tender, ridiculously mind-blowingly intelligent, quick, and clever, queer in sensibility, not gay but also not hetero-normative, not women-targeted but mostly women-staffed -- to emerge and start something really new and spectacular that actually takes prior internet-media lessons learned and applies all of them from the get-go. 'Cause here's what we've been left with: the surviving media is either sarcastic or old-school, the failing media ran the gamut but often was twitching for tradition, the mainstream sources remain as they've always been (dumb).

What about something that actually speaks our language? 'Cause we have one, and it's a little bit newer, but also kinda awesome, and valid. It's diverse and expresses itself in every format we can touch or see or find. We are infinite. I drove home listening to some of the songs we listened to those times when we were infinite.

2. I'd like for New York Sports Club to fix at least three of its machines at the 125th & Broadway location, e.g., the clanking ellipticals. The teevee audio & video is out of sync, the magazine rack's a mess, the seat of the ab machine always slides down, that girl in the yellow shorts needs to see an ED specialist and please for the love of G-d get someone at stall #3 in the ladies room STAT.

3. I'd like to finish writing this novel, or at least 50,000 words of it, by the end of the month of November.

4. It'd be neat to see a smooth transition from Obama's eighth year to Hillary's first, almost like something they'd just talked about the two of them, decided would be best, asked if that was okay with America, and calmly traded chairs.

5. The economic crisis should lead us to question our attachments to material goods and money. Capitalism isn't a religion, and advertising dictates desire dangerously.

We should begin thinking about embracing the DIY movement (thanks to a;ex for this article, @lifehacker: The "Greater Depression" can be a DIY Renissance). We should start making more stuff, and also stop judging one's employment potential by the amount charged to their credit card to buy the suit and the soft makeup for the interview. That's dumb. I really would be totally down with growing my own food, but I live in the city, although I'm getting a lemon tree soon so.

---

6. I think books can make it. I think people who write books might have to respond -- as writers always have over the centuries -- to an audience who's taste and attention span has changed. We can produce novels that appeal to new readers without sacrificing intelligence or word count.

I think people are capable of reading a shit-ton of words, now more than ever. Book people need to realize that since paper is the big difference between online writing and books/magazines/newspapers, we should think about how to really sell & market the paper.

Part of our problem? There's too many books to choose from, and due to the mental engagement & silence & time required to read a book, no-one can read every book they want to read in one lifetime and therefore we can't produce infinite books like we do with teevee channels. We're printing too many books. A lot of them suck.

Independent presses are being drowned out by big presses who don't even have the time to focus on quality over quantity, and the reading public is suffering. We have self-publishing for people who can't find a major publisher for their work, so it's not that a shafted writer is left up shit creek without a (albeit not too cool) paddle. If it's that good, your self-published work'll emerge from the muck.

I think literature will survive everything that people are saying against it, but that also means we can't forget about literacy. We need to seriously work on literacy if we want people to read our books!!

So -- we focus on quality, literacy, making the internet work for us and not against us, incorporating new media and targeting different audience styles to our advantage. The independent presses can play that game too, just by promoting the quality-based system on a smaller revenue model.

---

7. Pinkberry should bring back the coffee flavor, by popular demand (as you can see in the photo I will wait for ice cream). All grocery stores should carry Sausage & Cheese Breakfast LeanPockets, especially you, FreshDirect. It's not fair that I only know the calorie counts of corporate chain restaurants, you can't convince America that we can only rely on The Man to keep us healthy too and give us the numbers, make everyone do it. No no no. Also, I would like the world to be made of some combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

8. New books by: Lorrie Moore, Miranda July, Maggie Estep and Mary Gaitskill, New music from Uh Huh Her and no more re-runs of Intervention, just new episodes, thanks.

9. I think that Haviland Stillwell should be in "The Farm" which'll reveal itself to be secretly totally awesome. So far it looks kinda weird, like Bad Girls. But whatevs, last time we stole a British queer show concept (Queer as Folk) it turned out a lot better than our own.

---

10. I'd like a publisher or magazine to commission me to do a year-long project in which I approach, as a journalist, taking on the jobs of people who I think are bad at their jobs. Like I bitch about Duane Reade but if I worked there, would I be any better? Not like Nickel & Dimed, this'll be more about how we assess service and performance in others than about socioeconomic realities for women.

It would be a 12-month thing and each month I'd have to try to get a job and then work the job at:

1. Time Warner Customer Service
2. 125th & Lennox Starbucks
3. Duane Reade
4. The U.S Postal Service
5. New York Sports Club
6. the editor of an online magazine that will not be named
7. President of the United States George W. Bush
8. Head writer for The L Word
9. The Manicure Lady
10. the pantry chef at The Macaroni Grill I worked at for three years
11. a receptionist at the Ryan Center on 96th street
12. my 10th grade English teacher

And I'd open talking about my ire for said worker of said job and then find out like, well, wtf, could I do any better? You know? I wonder if it'd be harder to be Time Warner Customer Service than it would be to re-design OurChart (that's not the online magazine I refer to, but you know?).

---

11. Also I think Prop 8 should be overturned and gay marraige legalized nationwide.

Okay, thanks for listening to my ideas. Let's get going to the Invention Convention! Bring legos and fruit punch please, thanks!

+++
xoxo
autowin.

Sunday Top Ten: We Didn't Do It

"We think of our lives as a series of events ... of things happening one after another. But it's just as accurate to see our lives as a series of things that don't happen to us."
(Ira Glass, intro to "We Didn't" episode of This American Life)

She did it, she boarded and flew all the way across the country, away from New York's industrial erections and valiantly towards somewhere that made up for its failed promises in baths of well-lit potential and it wasn't just her who did it. People move in body if not in mind, and finish novels and start revolutions and quit jobs and lose weight and get really into yoga and sometimes I do and I will but when you think about it -- and I have, 'cause I have a lot of thoughts happening at once in my head -- there's way way more things that I didn't do.

Sunday Top Ten
We Didn't Do It

exhibit a: things i was gonna do

10. California Here I Come

I didn't move to California or Michigan but I L.A apartment-hunted online. I didn't say goodbye to all that and disappear like heaven on wheels but if I'd had the financial means I would've left this apartment before they asked me to but I didn't so I didn't. I didn't move to Walden Pond but I looked on craigslist for cabins in the woods. I didn't leave for the summer or the winter but I packed for both. I didn't move to Australia but I downloaded the form to get a passport and left it on my desktop where it still stands today, awaiting my attention, having survived the acquisition and subsequent fall of a new passport in the meantime.

9. You Had Time

I didn't write my book. I took a lot of notes. Mom & I voyaged to the Michigan storage space to excavate the artifacts of my little life and Mom said she'd kill me for losing the key to my locker's lock 'cause we had to pay for a chainsaw 'cause I was supposed to hold onto the key but I didn't. I read books for research and I assembled my notes & research & wrote an outline, marketing plan, etc. But I didn't write the actual book 'cause I'm not ready for such substantial truths and so I decided to write a novel instead but I didn't. But I will. "Did you know it took Diaz 11 years to write Wao?" I wrote to my agent. "This segues neatly into my next topic ..."

8. Falling is Like This

I didn't jump out the window but I did forgive you except for the few times later on when I didn't. I didn't overdose on anything though I felt my heart beat so hard inside my chest I thought it might leap right out of my body on legs of its own, bound across the city and get on a plane and leave me all alone, heartless. I didn't ever go heartless but I did get sad and mean. I thought I could make it all better and I tried but I didn't.

7. Out of Range

I didn't apply for an M.F.A. program but I sat at B&N with books and copied down lists of the best schools, sent out for brochures to put into the file folder "Graduate Programs." So I didn't move to a room of my own in Iowa City where it'd get so quiet at night that I'd feel my sober heart beat like a horse. I didn't move to Missoula to forget about reality and embrace my past friends as characters.

6. And Darling

I didn't write back to many emails & I've got 182 e-mails in my draft folder and some of them are for blog-readers. I generally try to discard drafts rather than keep them but sometimes 'cause of auto-save I didn't.

Of the 182 e-mails I never sent: 33% = to exes, 33% = jobs , 20% = angry rants to friends & 10% = emails I thought I DID send but didn't.

These are the titles of some of the emails I didn't send: Sancho is Not Retarded, obvs it's me so it's not good news, STOP., Typist Position, that's fine I'll send you three emails in a row I'm not above that, portfolio samples, copy gig, part-time assistant, your blog makes my firefox crash, fall or silence, UPDATE, room for rent, communication, re: apts and such, Pick Me! So Qualified!, um., guestbian blog, the summer they electrocuted the rosenbergs, this is stuff for my book that i am going to write about myself because i am self-centered, home is where my habits have a habitat, some things i wanted to say to you.

exhibit b: things i was gonna do

5. If I Gave You my Number

I didn't try to track down anyone's phone number when my phone got stolen so I didn't ever keep in touch with anyone I knew before that time though I didn't ever say I would anyway so I didn't.

4. Take me Anywhere

I didn't go to Reno or China or the West Indies but I researched plane fares and packing lists and room rates. I didn't go to Paris and I didn't apply for Yaddo but I did download the application & inserted it into the "writing-work related" folder and I bookmarked some web pages.

3. Walking With A Ghost

I didn't start The Factory but I watched Factory Girl and started to read The Diary of Andy Warhol but I didn't finish it. I looked at warehouses online all over the country but I didn't look at any in 3-D but I still believe in it and I'll make it happen, I didn't yet but I will.

2. Fix You Up

I didn't make my resumè into the kick-ass thing it wants to be but I did look at resume examples and read books about resumès and made ten different copies of my resumè for different kinds of jobs but I don't like any of them. I didn't put together a copywriting portfolio but that's 'cause Brian didn't send me my samples and I asked him twice. I didn't call Natalie's temp agency and I didn't work at the new Starbucks just to make it go faster and I didn't start that Sacred Altar business with Mary or sell that teevee show with Carly and I didn't send that new pitch to New York Magazine and I didn't do the Best Idea EVER yet but I WILL.

1. As Cool as I Am

I didn't stop writing this blog. I didn't do another comment contest or make Autowin totebags or black shirts or continue Great Mysteries of Life or The Year in Review. But I mean I'm still writing this blog. That's something.

I thought the whole world was gonna change in January and it did but it didn't change exactly how we'd expected. But when I say now that I feel like things are falling in place I'm not taking about magic anymore, or blessings or karma, I'm just talking about people and stability and change and calm that's tangible. It's like the year of magical thinking, and if you haven't read it I'm not giving anything away when I quote the last lines: "You had to feel the swell change. You had to go with the change. [John] told me that. No eye is on the sparrow but he did tell me that."

I love ending a blog on an obliquely optimistic note. I think if I sound vague, it's 'cause I feel vague too. Vague ... but good.

I'm trying to think of the biggest thing I didn't do and I'll write about that later but first I'll ask you; what didn't you do this year?

Sunday Top Ten: I Used to be a Superhero, No One Could Touch Me, Not Even Myself

Google has many superpowers, like keeping track of everything I do. E.g., Google tells me I've apparently perused the wikipedia entry on superpowers many times, leading me to think, halfway through writing this week's Top Ten, "Omg, have I written on this topic already? Why have I already read this wikipedia page 10 times? Am I that interested in phasing through walls?"

So. A brief Autowin PSA (see what I did there? That's what Lozo does): Does this post feel familiar? If it does, you oughta lay off the pipe and/or you might be thinking about Channukisits Wish List Things I Can't Have Because They Don't Exist. This isn't that. This is SO different. When I wrote that, I'd never even seen Heroes. Though I'd heard plenty about it since Haviland talked about it constantly. Also; December's basically ten years ago, who knows what I wanted back then, probs an innocent youthful frivolity like Tickle Me Elmo. And coal, I always want coal and I never get it. It's kinda like how Claire Bennett is always asking people to shoot her in the head with a nail gun and they won't do it.

My friend asked me last week if I think it's possible for her to find a boyfriend who will be willing to smack her in the face & make her bleed during sex but also hold her hand at crosswalks and cuddle during teevee-time. Obvs I said the latter is part of someone's essential being and the former can be taught. Anyhow, if she had Regenerative powers like Claire Bennett it wouldn't be such a big deal. She could be like "See? my lip isn't busted anymore, time for muffins!"

Um, so guess what i discovered this week? Gawker Media has this i09 blog about Science Fiction and ... it's secretly like; the awesomest thing they've got going on over there. I'm really upset right now that Season Two of Heroes isn't out on DVD for another ten days, so I've only seen Season One.

Oh, also; when writing the Top Ten about Needing an Unpaid Intern, I requested the following in all applicants:

"One or more of the following super-powers: Seeing Through Walls, Precognition, Cross-Dimensional Awareness, Zach Morris Time Freeze, Flying, Spider-Vision, Telekinesis, Ability to Teach Public School in a Low-Income District, Go-Go Gadget 'Brella."

*

[colleen cunnigham ]

Wish List: TOP TEN SUPERPOWERS

The thing about superpowers is that we witness their application in extreme-stakes books/movies/tv shows/comics, so trying to think about how these powers would apply to my actual life isn't easy (though I think that's the point of Heroes, right? Like, let me light your cig with my finger, etc.?) And there's all kinds of powers that, when employed in everyday life, are sort of assclownish things to do; mind control, memory manipulation, etc. That's mean. Hiro wouldn't do that. He also wouldn't be invisible just to steal money.

Do you ever think about what your team's superpowers would really be in real life? I'd probs get telepathy 'cause I tend to know what people are thinking more often than most people. (or psychometry) (or automatic writing, 'cause of auto-win). Caitlin would get Claire Bennett healing powers or Peter Petrelli powers 'cause she can fix everything and make everything okay when we think our guts are bleeding or we've taken a sword to the soul, etc. Powers would be very useful now for her to get over The Plague. Haviland might get power bestowal (bringing out other people's latent powers) or shape-shifting 'cause of her supreme acting skills, A;ex would have her energy manipulation/conversion for bringing happiness & light into a room, thus warming its energy. Also eternal youth = A;ex. Natalie would have persuasion 'cause she charms everyone's pants off.

Questions like "What superpowers would my friends have?" are the questions you can ask yourself if you want to waste your life and squander the best most beautiful days of your maidenhood straight away. I know I do.

[gaston liberto]

10. Telepathy: When I was little/innocent, I wanted more than anything to read minds. I dreamt of a magic ticker w/red words that we'd wear like wristwatches to illustrate our companion's secret thoughts. Now I don't want telepathy. Now when I want to figure out what someone's thinking, I just write stories.

I learned my lesson well & young by doing what many wannabe mind-readers do -- reading journals. It's heartbreaking, actually, 'cause we've all got callousness underscoring expressed affections. I don't wanna know what anyone's thinking anymore. It'd be nice to have telepathy for lie-detecting, I guess, and in work situations to tailor my output. I guess I'd just have to be careful. Generally I feel that ignorance is bliss.

9. Flying: Does anyone know if you can wear a backpack while you're flying? Like if I wanted to go to L.A. to visit Haviland or go to Vegas to see Bette Midler, would I be able to take someone with me, a là Lois & Clark, or could I take a carry-on suitcase or duffel bag or something? Someone get back to me on this, thank you, pronto, Olympics Oshmylics. I can't travel without Caitlin and five v-neck t-shirts so I need to know ASAP thanks.

8.Technopathy: I'd have about 75% less mental breakdowns if, instead of having to call the Apple people & shell out $50 for them to tell me to control-alt-delete and then bring it to the store, I could just be like "Mac! Get your shit together!" Also, I'd like to be able to control ATM machines, it's so Tom Collins. And I could find Rovermom, track her down, and tell her I know that's not really her on her myspace profile, it's Alice.

7. Power Absorption: This works better if your peer group also has powers. But I'd settle for powers that are helpful, if not necessarily "super." Of all powers; infinity. Of all potential dwellings; sky. I'd like to pick up someone's social skills. Swimming is a thing I never mastered. It would've been easier if I had, and my basketball skills could help the Rockford Peaches win a game maybe, eventually. I'd stand next to LeBron James and just wait to dunk. I'd speak like Obama, make applesauce like my Mama, flip like Oksana. I'd also like to be able to speed-read like Caitlin and speak multiple languages.

6. Duplication: My Mom used to respond to many of my childish requests by saying "There's only one of me!", etc., 'cause I wanted her to do a lot of things, I was very into activities. I'd like there to be another me to visit Pathmark , do my laundry, call the dentist, stand in line to return things, and go to the post office. Hm, maybe all I need is an assistant, e.g., Monica Lewinsky or Jessica.

OK! Fine. I'd like the other me to handle unproductive emotions, too. It can sit in the dark, feel sad, watch Sugar Rush youtube videos, eat pizza in her underwear. She can scream at night to see if anyone can hear her. My replicant can face my fears for me. E.g., life.

6a.Temporal Duplication: I would like to see the old me. I mean all people really talk/write about is what we used to be like, what we might be like later on. I'm not certain the present is real. If I saw the old me on a street corner, I'd ask for directions. She'd lead me to an even younger me and then I could look at her and figure things out. Also I could get my 50 year old self back here and make sure all her organs are okay.

5. Enhanced Memory: I spend a lot of time looking things up. Like how superpowers work or what song lyric is running through my head. I also forget what people say and I forget what I read and I'd like to just be so super smart, I'd just remember all of it, every every minute! Even the hard parts. I feel like this could help my friends too, especially on their birthday. And y'all, 'cause I would've remembered Strunk & White.

4. Time Manipulation: See also; Zach Morris Timeout. You could use it when you need another minute. Then I'd never be late for anything. In matters of lateness, it is best to pick me up. If only I could fly or teleport. Superheroes bring themselves back around.

3. Mediumship: I could hang out with my Dad again forever. I could have dinner with Dana Fairbanks, River Phoenix, Oscar Wao, Andy & Edie, Strunk & White, Amelia Earhart, Lassie and Caroline Knapp. Also if someone needed a good band for their party and DJ Carlytron couldn't do it, I could be like "Hang on, I've got Elvis on line one," or whatever. Beethoven, The Four Tops, whatever it is you senior citizens are into these days.

2. Regenerative Power (healing): I'd like to fix people when they are hurt. I could walk with danger but never die, which's surprisingly relevant in Planet Harlem. At night, I could walk to Pathmark in boots and hot pants like a bat out of Sixth Avenue/hell and a bullet to my brain would be like a messy splinter. Then I could get my ice cream and go home, clickity-clack clickity-clap. Basically I could act in the city like I did when I was 18, which's to say = sans fear. Also if anyone else got hurt, I could fix them. Then I'd probs feel guilty that I wasn't always fixing people all the time and then I'd develop the most complex complex EVER! But it would be worth it to make everything better.

1. Teleportation: This is all I've ever wanted, ever, in my whole life. I think the best I'll do is a chauffeur. He'll drug me and throw me into a giant car and on the inside it'd feel like sleeping inside a giant slick shoe. Then he'd wake me up and deposit me. Everyone would be invited to travel with me. There will be champagne.

Also; as a side note, I used to get so jealous of kids in books who figured out how to turn their animals or toys to life, like Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") and the whole premise of Indian in the Cupboard. Actually I still am. I feel like Tinkerbell could hang out with me for the next 20 days or so.

OMG!!! I just had an amazing idea! What if The L Word spinoff was a sci-fi show? Firstly, Max could be whatever gender he/she wants. Secondly, Dana could come back and be the lead character and Shane's sexual prowess would be replaced by complete mind control powers and Jodi could dance even wearing a bed-sham when she can't hear the music.

++

Stuff I've Been Reading: April & May Edition

I'm 26. It's possible I have a few vital organs that've been less-than-impressed with me for at least eight years, I regularly step into busy intersections without regard for traffic's deadly possibilities, I haven't been to the doctor in two years, my teeth are probs rotting out of my skull, and I live in a neighborhood where two people getting shot is a brief aside tossed at the end of an article about a dude opening fire on a crowd and shooting 8 people on Memorial Day 'cause someone took his basketball. I don't remember the last time I ate a piece of fruit.

I work out every day, but that's only because I'm neurotic and anxiety-ridden and 'cause if I didn't, I'd officially never leave my apartment for days at a time. I wouldn't even know what the weather was like.

So, I figure I've got about 10-15 good years left. If you think about it, that's not really a lot of time to read every book I want to read. At this pace, I'll be 40 before I embark on the most recent round of recommendations, including:

This Book Will Save Your Life (AM Homes)
Crime & Punishment (Somethingosky or Soemehingoskyov)
Shantaram (Gregory David Roberts)
Savage Detectives (Roberto Bolando)
Orlando (Virginia Woolf)
The Yellow Wallpaper (Charlotte Perkins Gilman)
The Night Watch (Sarah Waters)
The Broom of the System (David Foster Wallace)
Class Dismissed (Meredith Marin)
Fingersmith (Sarah Waters)
Norweigian Wood (Marukami)
Electroboy (Andy Behrman)
The Sound and the Fury (William Faulkner)

Is that everything you guys have told me to read? I think so. What if I gave a really bogus recommendation but acted like it was real? If I was like, "You guys, everyone needs to read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants RIGHT NOW," or like, "Have you ever read Jurassic Park?" We had a convo about Jurassic Park last week actually. Raise your hand if you'd never heard of veloca-raptor-whatevs until you saw the movie/read the book, now raise your other hand if they seemed very real and you used to have nightmares about raptor attacks. Now lower your hands, and gimme a hug. That's right! Hug it out. Model through it. You WORK.

Also; still haven't finished Don Quijote.

---

Welcome to "Stuff I've Been Reading." Inspired by Nick Hornby's "Believer" column by the same name, "Stuff I've Been Reading" examines the wide terrible gulf between what I'm buying, what I'm reading, and how smart I'm becoming.

BOOKS READ:
The Best American Essays of 2007 , edited by David Foster Wallace
Frantic Transmissions to and From Los Angeles, by Kate Braverman
Have You No Shame? , by Rachel Shukert
Drown, by Junot Diaz

BOOKS BOUGHT/RECEIVED:
The Savage Detectives, by Roberto Bolano
Final Cut Express 4: A Visual Quickstart Guide, by Lisa Brenneis
Have You No Shame? by Rachel Shukert

BAE '07 was given and suggested to me by someone I'm now prohibited to talk about on my blog, so I'll just say that "someone" lent me this book, "someone" took it back, and now I can't reference it or my plethora of underlined passages. What can I say, clearly if I remembered things I've read, I wouldn't feel the need to cart 200 books with me every time I move. I recall! The introduction was golden. David F-W is a superior introduction writer.

First off; The Dog Whisperer. I'm not a fan of animals, but Malcom Gladwell's essay about the Dog Whisperer was pretty engaging ("What the Dog Saw")-- this master-of-movement stuff. How do I get him to come fix Caitlin's dog? It's his birthday today and he bites people. Do we have to move to L.A. to get the Dog Whisperer's help? Anyone know the Dog Whisperer? Tell me.

Due to my "must read everything in an anthology" rule, I was subjected to several unpleasant experiences in this anthology. All BAEs and Best American Non-Required Readings have the same problem; by the time the book hits the shelves, I already know that the U.S. uses torture unethically and that we shouldn't be at war with Iraq. I'm totally over reading anything else on either of these topics, unless the headline is "We Are Getting out of Iraq today." It's just depressing, and old news. Yet I soldiered on. (Get it? "Soldiered on?")

I was reading this book during some of April's cruelest days, and so my attention was erratic. There's entire essays I don't remember reading, though I know I did. I remember most acutely: a study of stage fright called "Petrified" (John Lahr), "Afternoon of the Sex Children" (Mark Greif) from n+1 and "Shakers" by Daniel Orozco, which was about something I don't remember, it was well-written though. Oh yes! Earthquakes. I think. Sigh.

---

I read Frantic Transmissions to and from Los Angeles on my way to and from Los Angeles way back in April, which's poetic, yes? The subtitle, "An Accidential Memoir," drew me to it, as did Kate Braverman's oft anthologized short story "Tall Tales from the Meekong Delta." The book was like a long prose-poem about ice cream and streets that got dirty and women growing up and out and the history of a place that seemed all veneer the first time I went there. I like urban history; until I feel that a city has roots in something, it's easy for me to feel it's just all gloss. It probs subtly affected my impression of the city this time around.

Although I didn't think I would -- I really loved this part: Interview with Marilyn Monroe. If you've ever been intrigued by the dichotomy of image and reality, you'd enjoy it too.

---

At a nerve.com party in December of '05 (which I barely remember, except for the part where, inspired by the sexual avant garde spirit of the party's host publication, I left with a boy I'd just met 'cause he looked good on paper (Ivy League alum, an artist, rent-controlled West Village apartment, friends w/a nerve editor) and good enough in person, at least that night), I met Rachel Shukert. I was thrilled, 'cause I loved her essays muchly.

In a state of disorderly drunken-ness, the following exchange occurred:

Me: "I really love your work."
Rachel: "Thanks!"
Me: "No, I mean, I REALLY love it, you're one of my top ten heroes. You know what I really liked, that essay where you said, [I go on to misquote a section from this essay about how the author's pissed and confused that her boyfriend's not okay about her kissing other girls]."
Rachel; "That wasn't me. I didn't write that essay."
Me: "Yes, it was, I'm sure it was."
Rachel: "No, it wasn't, I'm sure it wasn't."
Me: "It was you."
Rachel [laughing, backing away]: "No, it wasn't me."
Me: "Are you SURE?"
Rachel: "Yes, I'm sure, I didn't write that."
Me [turning away, muttering]: "I think you did."

Humans generally make those mistakes when they don't recognize their conversation partner; but I did know Rachel's work. Her personal essays reminded me of -- well, mine! -- and I'd wanted to make a real connection to express my genuine love. However, like most situations in which I attempt to communicate love, I screwed up big-time.

In retrospect ... I know why I thought she'd written that essay -- she hadn't. It's cause at the time, Rachel's bio photo on nerve (which's changed now, to something more professional and new-book-writer-worthy) and Carrie Hill Wilner's (the actual author of this essay) both featured girls with long brown hair who looked kinda drunk and maybe Jewish. I have this weird photographic "memory" that lumps images together thematically and confuses me. Howevs, it's possible I'm wrong about this too (their previous author photos), my memory clearly isn't stellar, that's why I keep such fastidious records.

I loved reading Shukert's recent excerpt from the book -- "The Anorexic's Cookbook" -- on nerve and so did Haviland ... and so I bought the book. I ate it real fast. It was fun and light and funny but also sad sometimes and poignant and you should read it. In fact, I'd recommend it for the apparently imperative "beach reads" list so many people are making these days. It got me through a one-hour wait for a prescription at CVS and also affirmed many of my opinions about my overall unemployability. I quoted a large section about temping to Natalie, and even LOL'ed a few times.

Shukert deftly mines a (relatively) unremarkable life for gems of comedy and tragedy -- moments of explosive tenderness and LOLity -- displaying brightly how entirely possible it is to write a solid book without making shit up about being in a cult a gang or spending time in jail after a dangerous bout of drug addiction. Her parents actually seem kinda nice. So, James Frey and all ye like him -- write this down: you don't need to sensationalize. Have you no shame?

RKB's recently done an interview w/Shukert: watch it here and here.

---

Junot Diaz - "Drown." Beautiful. "The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao" won every award possible this year, "Drown" was shorter, so I picked it up. I've enjoyed Diaz's stories in The New Yorker on more than one occasion, even though I thought I was maxed out on Latino-American lit after taking an entire course on it and o.d.'ing on Cisernos in high school. Clearly I prefer reading novels and stories about suburban housewives with dark secrets or young girls in big cities with lots of opinions and sexual deviance. To really expand my horizons.

In fact, Drown's compact size means I've carried this book all over the country, but hadn't started it 'til (obvs) recently, 'cause I thought: 'it is time.' There were a lot of characters named "Papi," which's always good. His sense of place is thorough and vibrant, his sentences precise and perfect. If you haven't read his work, then you are stupid and should be drowned in the local swimming pool. It will be a hate crime, but you will deserve it. Read!

I just heard a gigantic explosion, what happened? Maybe it's Al Queda.

---

Thoughts on my Inability to Read as Much as I Should:

I keep thinking I must be missing something on this list; surely that's not the sum of my accomplishments? It is. It certainly is. When left to my own devices, I'm sometimes not such a good reader, and I don't really know what to do about that. I mean -- I feel extra-motivated to start a book when someone near & dear to me forces it upon me, but when people who are far-away & dear, or near & not-incredibly-dear force books upon me, I take my sweet time. Unfortunately that time is running out, so omg, what am I gonna do, someone hit me over the head with a book right now.

I feel guilty as I believe it's my personal life mission to revive the art of reading, which's dying. How do Bookslut and RKB and Sam Anderson find time to read all the books they write about? [Someone] told me that speed-reading is about recognizing words as symbols rather than a series of letters. I've been trying to do that but then I realize I've just "read" four pages and don't remember a thing.

A few other ideas:

Situations that force me to read faster/at all:
-Reading contests (e.g., Tipping the Velvet contest w/Alex)
-Someone I'm trying to impress asks me to read something specific
-A new book by one of my favorite authors
-Beach vacations
-Airplanes
-The subway/train
-Desperate for writing inspiration, facing "the block"
-Waiting rooms
-School
-Eating a lot in the kitchen instead of in my room, usually a result of critter-related paranoia, requiring a book as I must be entertained at all times.
-Stability w/employment and overall position in life, subsequently enabling relaxation and concentration
-I claim to have read something I have in fact read, but it was a long time ago, and so if I'm gonna keep up with this new present-tense conversation, I'll need to play catch-up fast
-A book totally grabbing me -- or a new writer totally grabbing me

Situations that make me not read something I've been told to read:
-A suggestion being contradicted by a counter-suggestion --
Caitlin: "Don't read This Book Will Save Your Life, it's not that good, but if you want to read it, I own it."
Adam: "I would only read The Savage Detectives if you're willing to give a couple of days/a week to it and just do it all in one big rush. The form is just too confusing/convoluted otherwise. I mean...he pulls it off...he really does have a cast of like 25 characters all of whom have distinct voices and can narrate and contribute...but gah... also, I'll prepare you now, after 150 pages of making you like your rather unlikable friend and narrator he's going to take him away and not give him back for another 300 pages."
Haviland: "I could never really get into Night Watch, I don't think I finished it."

Auto-Win Book Club?

Perhaps I should start an Auto-win Book Club to force everyone to read a book with me, like we're all having reading contest. I know fo'sho that Caitlin and Alex would participate, but that's sort of a My Friends Book Club. The thing is it'd have to be a new book so that no one would've already read it, but it'd also have to be a paperback 'cause I'm not going to make y'all go get hardcovers. Perhaps we'd have to choose a new book in trade paperback. I'll think about this and amend this section. Then if you wanna buy it, you'll click through from here and for every book you buy, I'll make .005% of a cent, and when I save up enough I'll buy a dolphin and we can all go swimming.

Suggestions? FYI; no chick lit, nothing about people dressed in period costumes, no Native Americans or really any stories involving native peoples/tribes especially if it's about the clash of the white man and the natives, no pre-electricity lit, no "Bright Shiny Mornings" of any kind, no spiritual quests in Southeast Asia, nothing by a guy who beat up his wife, no memoirs by television actors and nothing over 500 pages. I'll probs be amending this list too.

Also I have another question; is it strange that while you have a visitor from out of town, it's rude to just sit and read in front of them, but it's okay to watch television together? I understand why this is, but I don't like it.

Tuesday Top Eight: Time, You've Got Me Running

Clearly I'll believe almost anything for at least a minute if you yell at me loud enough, but it's never been difficult to win me over re: the possibility that we're spiraling slowly/quickly into mass apocalyptic extinction -- especially after George W. took office. Then, last year; getting my nails manicured black, listening to Lavar Burton (from Reading Rainbow and Star Trek: TNG, two of my fave shows!) and James Earl Jones perform The Book of Revelation for "The Bible Experience" audiobook (I like to educate myself via i-pod during mani-pedi time) (I'm a weirdo), I looked outside at April's snow and thought "yup, we're totally in for it."

Luckily, I'm Jewish and don't believe in Revelation, and 'cause the Jews are Chosen I'll probs survive the apocalypse anyhow ... um ... I actually have 'the apocalypse' as a tag, which is telling ... Where was I? I'm sick. I used Carly's chapstick last night before confessing my sickness, so I've been trying to downplay my sickness since then to relieve the guilts I've got over that. Coincidentally, I'm also getting way better.

Sidenote, not related to apocalyptic anything -- in fact quite the opposite! -- we went to the NewNowNext Awards last night and Alex and I pretended to be real reporters (and Cait pretended to be a real cameraperson) for "The L Word Online," the video's gonna be kickass!! I just need to learn Final Cut. Erum today maybe? Look at Michelle Paradise and Tinkerbell! They're so cute and clearly in love!

"What's that, Tinkerbell? You wanna go to the awards with me?"
*
Seriously, this video is going to be amazing! More about that later. Back to Top Ten Signs of the Apocalypse! I feel like this post is old-school autowin.
*

... Right! Yesterday at the gym I was watching The View (cue endgame music) and all these ladies -- there's four of them, they're all shiny with serious hair and they are all Not Rosie -- agreed that the end is nigh. They were so casual about it. "Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised," etc.

Then I flipped the channel to MTV during a commercial and confirmed immediately that the world'll probs end in 2010 for sure.

*
Tuesday Top Eight: Signs of the Apocalypse

8) My Super Sweet 16

The birthday girl hopes it'll be Usher, or someone like that, someone with a name like Skee-Lo or Lil' Romeo, and meanwhile in a gigantic clear wind tank labeled 'Daddy's Money,' other sixteen-year-olds have 20 seconds each to grab for dollar bills. Some kiss the money, some stuff it in their shiny white suits (they're all wearing white, it's a white party), omg, it's the musical guest -- but it's not Usher, it's two ballerinas. They're not wearing white, but they're graceful and talented and for the first time since the 45 seconds prior that I flipped to this channel to begin with, I'm actually interested. Something beautiful is actually happening.

The birthday girl disagrees -- she's horrified, "Oh my GOD this is so embarrassing, what was he thinking?!" she says. She's losing the crowd, her friends are giggling/whispering/aghast. She has failed to provide K-Fed or Kriss Kross. Her father slips into the background, avoiding the camera's reproach, as the birthday girl asks the DJ to stop the music right now, everyone hates it. "I'm here to party, not to see the like, ballet," one dude, the scent of money still fresh on his skin, laments. Anyhow, all is forgiven, her present pulls up outside: "Oh my God," a friend drops jaw for the camera. "She got a new Lexus. I'm so jealous."

All is forgiven. Let us rejoice!

I actually didn't know anyone who had a Sweet 16, is it normal to have one? I guess I went to a lot of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, though.

---

7) Another Shot at Love With Tila Tequila

Ok so let's say hypothetically that you're in a swimming pool with a girl you fancy. There's approx. 50 others in the pool, one's named Glitter, the dudes are named Bo, Jay, etc. -- one-syllable words they'll later hurl at each other with the fury of a thousand tattoos of suns. Then, your fancied girl starts making out w/three other girls, and then she makes out with two other dudes, and then makes out with about 100 other people right there.

Would you:
a) Think "OMG, I love this girl, she's the one for me."
b) Try to start a fight with whomever's kissing her.
c) Boil over with jealousy because she is your one true love, you guys hung out for three minutes yesterday, it was awesome, you're in love, wtf.
d) Get out of the pool and be like, "this show isn't about bisexuality, it's about polyamory, which is totes fine, but also not my thing clearly as I've been brainwashed into believing she's my one and only soulmate, and also, Tila is dumb, I'm gonna go nap on that big-ass bed while all these losers duke it out in the pool."
e) Make like Ophelia and drown.

---

6) Our Stummies Hurt

As a wee lassie, I'd call my stomach my "stummy." Get it? Stomach + tummy = stummy. It often hurt. Everyone's stomach often hurts. In fact, I don't know any woman who doesn't have some kind of serious stomach issue. I think this's 'cause the food industry's semi-evil. We eat crap, everything, unless we're just eating organic, which's expensive, and sometimes not organic. I love string cheese, sidenote. Maybe I'll have one right now. I try not to eat lunch-related foods before 11:15. That's when Fourth Hour starts at Interlochen, a.k.a first lunch period.

---

"The world is ending out there and people are just getting cosmetic surgery and watching debutantes get screwed up the ass."
(Claire, Six Feet Under)

---

5) OMG WTF LMAO ROFL

I read this article and my first thought was, OMG, if the Sex and the City movie is already sold out, I'm gonna be so pissed. THEN! I saw this, which is a timeline of when things'll go extinct in the future, and thought OMG, it's fate. Then I realized "I just thought 'OMG' twice and it's only 9:30. I've been awake since 7, when I awoke to cough. It was so much fun I figured I'd just stay up, and write nonsense all morning long. OMG. Blogging is supposed to go out in 2020, which is good, I'll probs run out of ideas by then. Or perhaps I already have!

---

4) Save the Cheerleader, Save the World

I started watching Heroes last year 'cause Haviland wouldn't stop yapping about it. After Episode One I told her I couldn't go on, it was making me feel crazy -- believe in magical powers, especially w/r/t apocalypse prevention -- but I started watching again. I'm about six eps in. It's making me feel crazy again, but I'm at peace with that, 'cause it's just so good.

---

3) My Requisite Angela Chase Moment

Things are one way, here's the evidence, things are another way, here's more. Write someone off, then back in, love them then hate them. It's easy, then, to make a case for just about anything ... for or against almost anyone. I'm gullible, sure, but I don't know many people strong enough in their convictions to never change their mind, or flip-flop. I used to think it was me -- I'm the one changing from one kind of person to another kind of person -- but now I think no; the facts can often line up neatly and eagerly on both sides no matter how still I stand, almost everyone's got a case, and no-one really knows what happened. The world is ending, it'll go on forever, it's ending in 2010, if we lived in Burma or Iraq, it's possible we'd feel it's already ended.

---

2) Check this out:
Monday 12th - Tegan & Sara concert
Thursday 15th - Uh Huh Her in Philadelphia
Saturday 17th - Carly's housewarming (gay!), Alex's friend's rooftop b-day party (kinda gay!)
Monday 19th - Logo NewNowNext Awards
Tuesday 20th - Uh Huh Her in NYC

That's what I've been doing. Seriously, gayest.week.ever. After tonight I'm not leaving my apartment again until Ellen & Portia's wedding. This has nothing to do with the apocalypse, I just wanted to chat.

---

1) Doesn't this feel like a countdown? Like now I'll be like, kazaam! Where's Will Smith?

But there's lots of reasons why the world might not be ending: like the gay marriage ban being lifted in California, or that right now most of my friends seem to be recovering from things rather than going through them. There's forgiveness still, and hope. There's misunderstanding, too, but also hoodies and lip gloss and kissing and Uh Huh HER.

You know how when you're sick, you hear everything like you're stuck inside a giant plastic bag? That's how I feel now, but it'll pass. It's like jittery and hollow and rainy, and made me write all this nonsense. Which is incoherent, but in my mind, has a thesis, maybe even five paragraph, and fireworks at the end.

For now, the world spins madly on. I'm hungry.

Sunday Top Ten: Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

Hi, we're in Texas! I've never been to Texas before, but obvs Tinkerbell will go anywhere for Uh Huh Her. Anyhow! Enough about me, stuffed animals and fan contests ... let's move on to the succulent red meat of this five-course blog: The Sport. That's right, sports! Sweaty athletes, flying balls, home runs, Dana Fairbanks, Anna Kournikova and those nimble determined gymnasts who sacrifice puberty for balance beams. Lozo, The Voice of Dissent, doesn't like my blog anymore 'cause he thinks I write too much about reading -- odd: post-vlog, the blog's basically become Lozo's Emperor's Club. But you know, that's fine. I'll post on his favorite (some might say only) topic, The Sport. You may think I do not like the sport 'cause I prefer speaking about my no.1 feeling: reading, and my no.2-100 feelings: also not sports. But obviously I DO like the sport, every day I go to gym and do sport for 30-60 minutes -- I get a sweaty forebrow, pump the iron with hot bodies, I'm heart-healthy, drink eight glasses of water a day and so forth.

Also I'm often dodging cars like Frogger. Like her. Uh Huh ... her. You've gotta be quick on your feet in this city. Sporty Spice is my fashion icon.

It's dark in here in our hotel; we've accidentally unplugged all the lights in favor of plugging in laptops. Mood lighting.

Are you in Austin for SXSW? Say so! There's a lot of bloggers blogging about SXSW this week, so I'll have to pick and choose what I choose to speak of. In the meantime, onto America's National Obsession, Much to my Bewilderment: The Sport.

Thursday Top Ten: The Sport
*
10. Biking

I listed "Biking" as one of my top eight activities on college applications, my friends made fun of me, but I spent more time biking than I did at Student Council. I abandoned the bike when I moved to the city; couldn't show up sweaty everywhere. One summer though I couldn't take it anymore, sharing an office with Cameron who's obsessed with bikes, and M needed money for his manic island-crossing activities and was begging me to buy his and so I did and pedaled right back into the magic. The riding home in early evening was best -- I could sweat all I wanted. Starting along the Upper West's complacent refinery, across Central Park, breaking out onto Park Avenue, tearing through East Harlem -- rickety against abundant construction sites' gravel & surprising slopes, nearly skating on uptown's water-slick streets where kids play with hoses & sprinklers in the summertime. I wore M's rollerblading helmet. I listened to my iPod though everyone advises against it. If I crash, I will crash listening to Madonna. At home, walking back upstairs and lugging the bike, my legs felt like firecrackers. Maybe Noah was making dinner. The hallways in my building smelled like vegetables cooking, and dirt.

*
9. Basketball

I wholeheartedly love the game of basketball, as I've said before. It's fast, you can see faces, and a college basketball stadium during the Final Four is an invigorating room. I believe I've written several times on my love of the Fab Five and so forth. Chris Weber, etc. Number one favorite sport to watch. I once played, we were defeated every season. That's the opposite of undefeated.

*
8. Synchronized Swimming:

I'm a sucker for a good synchronized event (e.g., large musical numbers in children's films, Newsies), and an even bigger fan of old movie scenes with the ladies and the glitter and the legs kicking in the pool. Why don't they make movies like that anymore? I might actually go to movies if Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johanasen were splashing about and kicking legs in the air like mermaids. Good movie, The Little Mermaid.

7. Sledding

My favorite part of sledding is when it's over and then you can go home and drink hot chocolate. I like things that are both simple and fun.

6. Wrestling:

I'm a somewhat physically playfully aggressive person, just ask Carly, who I almost killed at the Tegan & Sara concert. I think that humans are a lot like monkeys, if we just let ourselves be free. I've never been an actual fight and I'm not an abusive person clearly, I like to wrestle out of joy, wrestling out of anger is demented and sad (sorry but it is). What was I talking about? Oh yes, men in tights like in The Breakfast Club, great film. Actual wrestling, especially World Wide Whatevers, is not fun or interesting. Actually I think it's the first horseman/knight/whatever of the apocalypse. Nevertheless, I've been known to challenge people to arm wrestling and lose. I have arms like little birds.

*
5. Baseball

Still my favorite team is the Brooklyn Dodgers. Something robust and romantic, American, the sandlot. I think there was a national dream I once believed in, I think it had something to do with the number 42, dirt-and-grass-stained white pants, the word "home run," hot dogs, the excruciating possibility of extra innings, and how green everything seemed [or black and white, in photos] when the night-lights snapped on. Also, A League of Their Own -- raise your hand if you know the song by heart about the All American Girls 'cause I do! Now I just see beefy muscles. Baseball player biceps remind me of my ex-boyfriend who never cried except almost once, when the Yankees lost the series. I think I prefer movies about baseball to actual baseball, 9 times out of 10.


*
4. Love

There was this YA Novel called M.V. Sexton Speaking that I read during The Summer I Decided to Read Every YA Novel in the Library (I believe I was 11 and clearly super-cool) and in it -- and again, I could be wrong here, 'cause I was wrong about the Pam Houston essay, clearly I have groundhog memory -- she signed a letter with "love and other indoor sports," which I thought was really clever. I use it all the time now and pretend like I'm the clever one when it wasn't me. All I know fo'sho is that I got the idea from a YA novel. Maybe that one. Maybe another. I'm old.

*
3. Putt-Putt Golf

We did a lot of this before we were old enough to drink. I was never good at it, I just enjoy themed attractions. Like Pirate's Cove. Mostly the game was a sport of silent hockey between the part of my mind that was putt-putting away and the part that wanted to smash the fake windmill with my tiny club, drop my ball w/deceptive calmness into the fucking hole, throw everyone else's balls into the SARS-infested turquoise "river" and say '"I won!" even though I never won. At Putt-Putt you could win crazy prizes my Mom called "dust collectors." Also in Ypsilanti my friends got arrested at Putt-Putt for staying out past "curfew."

*
2. Soccer:

I played soccer for a long time so I feel obligated to include it on this list. It was fun, except when we had to run around in circles for no apparent reason and practice heading or chest-butting the ball. I liked chocolate chip pancakes after school before practice; cramps ensued. The girls were cute.

*
1. Exercise

All humans should exercise their bodies, I recommend the local gymnasium. I enjoy reading magazines on the Stairmaster and doing about 10-20 crunches, but many athletes enjoy more vigorous activities that could even be called "sports," like kickboxing and spinning. The Heart association says exercising is good for your hearts. I typed "heat" first instead of "heart." That's fine, it's likely the heat people think so too, except they've also got opinions about hydration. The obesity people say healthy exercise is good for your girth. Run, Forrest, Run! Tinkerbell enjoys frolicking, in Second Life Dwight is like Dwight except he can fly (I just read that in "bitch" magazine). My Mom used to mall walk. I'd cut corners, you can't cut corners, you may as well cut your life in half, let alone your girth.
*
This Week in Corrections:
29 days in February guys. 29.
*
This Week's Question:
What's your favorite sport? Figure skating, tennis club, ice hockey? Polo? Foosball? Guitar Hero?
*
I always wanted to play rugby because it seemed to be a big hit amongst lesbos, and I liked the shirts. Also it seemed to involve wrestling.

*
Sports I am bad at : volleyball.
*
Sports that make best movies: basketball, baseball.
*
I liked Rock 'n Jock, whatever happened to that?
*
There's supposed to be a softball tournament and a Rock 'n Rollerderby here at SXSW, both of those things sound delicious!!
*
*

Monday Top Nine: Auto-Win Endorses Barack Obama

I make a lot of recommendations on this blog: melted cheese, Stephen Dunn, honesty, solitude, bi/homosexuality, Tegan & Sara, dog-purses like Tinkerbell, last-fm, cities, solitude, Mary Gaitskill, Savage Inequalities (the book, not the experience), abbreviated words, making out, laughter, jokes, ethical consumerism, apple products, auto-apparel. I know whereof I speak -- I've enjoyed melted cheese in a number of contexts, including two just this very day (omelet, garden burger), I've read everything Mary Gaitskill's ever written, and I've obviously made a LOT of jokes. I won't talk about my making out expertise -- ladies, you know who you are. (JK, seriously) (Though, that being said, I hope you do?) Due to a limited number of hours in the day and my super-important obligations to bad lesbian television, I haven't been educated enough about the election to feel confident declaring an affiliation -- I often defer to Krista 'cause I trust her education on the issue (thorough) and her personal politics (they're just like mine). She told me: "Obama is a revolution." And so, I've given myself a crash-course this past week ... Ultimately, I'd be thrilled to see either Clinton or Obama in the White House. But I gotta say, I really dig Obama. I really hope he wins, and I've got at least nine reasons why, and about five unrelated tangents.

*

November 3rd, 2004: Our city had just lost the election (Manhattan is more homogeneously democrat than the worst red state is red) and most people still weren't over the Red Sox winning the series. I had a discman -- no ipod yet, couldn't afford it -- and a CD called "winter of my discontent" and its contents are embarrassing: I was listening to Coldplay's "The Scientist" on repeat while walking through a cold/gray/rainy/miserable day to my fourth evening of training at a swanky Upper East Side restaurant that felt, inside, like a deep maroon/sharp crystal womb. The uniform was all black, and so, as I proceeded to the back table to wrap silverware with other servers (still listening to Coldplay: Nobody said it was easy, I never thought it would be this hard), I thought, shit, it's like a funeral in here. The manager burst forth from the kitchen and announced in his ambiguously European accent (he was American, so it's anyone's guess): "I do not want to hear about the election, enough depression, it is not the end of the world. One word on this election and you are going home. Let's begin." It was time to talk about tuna tartare. It was time to serve overpriced food to rich people and pretend like it wasn't the end of the world. A few days later I'd quit, dramatically, with a speech. This is a bad habit of mine: if I know I'm never coming back someplace, I may as well make a point. Every restaurant I've worked in has its own special recipe of soulless cold lawless douchebaggery , so as soon as the rules aren't mine anymore, I wanna tell the man in charge why he's a bastard and hope it'll make a difference for those left behind. What did I care anyway, the world was clearly ending. My number one feeling was apocalypse. On that day (that day that I quit) in East Harlem, Krista -- still recovering from the election (she'd been at the Air America party that night and was crying on public transportation for days afterwards) -- told me I needed to read this speech that this Illinois senator had given at the Democratic National Convention. "Ri," [pronounced "ree"] she said, extracting pages from the printer of our discontent, "This man is hope." Honestly, I was blown away. I couldn't believe it wasn't an Aaron Sorkin production. (9) I read it and it reminded me of "The West Wing," a television program featuring a charismatic, religious, educated left-wing president who's deeply affiliated to his own integrity. "The West Wing" is not real, but because it's a show and therefore written by writers who believe in words, their president knows how to develop a thesis. He mobilizes language as power/hope rather as a manipulative tool (e.g., "Enduring Freedom," "War on Terror"). (8) But Barack, unlike Jed Bartlett, is real.

"In the language of metaphor, Clinton is an essay, solid and reasoned; Obama is a poem, lyric and filled with possibility. Clinton would be a valuable and competent executive, but Obama matches her in substance and adds something that the nation has been missing far too long -- a sense of aspiration." -The L.A Times Endorsement of Barack Obama

Until I read that speech, I did not believe that there was a single politician who still believed in -- of all things -- "America." I thought we'd all given up on that -- admitted this country was totally fucked, hopeless, that the best I could hope for was a politician who held my opinions despite his or her inevitable corruption. But also: I saw that Obama was an African-American man and therefore I didn't think I'd one day be able to vote him into office. I didn't think that'd happen in America in my lifetime. But he totally IS running for president, (7) because now is the time when we need change moreso than we ever have before, because we're ready for revolution and that revolution needs a soul, because that's what we've been doing without for the past eight years.

"I think we're in a historical depression right now, because everything has failed so entirely. This could be a great moment because we have to re-think everything: Okay, we're absolutely at a dead end -- an absolutely devastating impasse.' Which means that one has to think one's way out of it." -Avital Ronell, 1991

**

I understand the arguments for Hillary -- prior White House residency, a better chance of beating McCain, required experience, ability to get things done. But c'mon. Hello! it's me, I'm a sucker for a good speech! Obvs I'm gonna go for the poet/politician over the politician/politician. Yeah there's some things about Hillary that don't sit right with me (like her failure to appreciate staying home and baking cookies), but I know there's spin on all sides and I'd still love to see her as president. But I'd la-la-la-LOVE for Obama to be president, and that's who I wanna talk about. Obvs I still believe in Revolution simply because I think WE CAN. I really think WE CAN. I think that financially comfortable (I make the distinction because for the working poor and those living hand-to-mouth -- ideals are a luxury, obvs) humans are selling themselves short left and right, including me, including -- to my consistent devastation -- people I love. There's a viral divide within most humans right now between what they're doing and what they're capable of doing. Our culture's working hard to ensure it remains impossible to actually pursue idealism & strive for true fulfillment and still remain employed and fed. I think that the disparity between the working poor and the wealthy in this country is disgusting. It's embarrassing. Our education system is embarrassing. The influence of evangelical Christians on public policy is a disgrace. This country is no longer a meritocracy, it's an aristocracy, and Obama would be very very clear step away from this legacy. I think we need something seriously NEW to get away from where we are. Something totally totally NEW. I think it's lame to give in. I think everyone's taking hypocrisy lying down 'cause we don't think it's possible to live otherwise, and it's sad that one's ability to live ethically is so closely correlated to economic advantage -- and that even when it isn't, people remain prone.

(6) "If you find yourself swept up in Obamamania ... you're perfectly aware that politics is often a dirty business. But you believe it could be a bit cleaner, a bit nobler, a bit more sustaining. You think that paradigm shifts can happen, that the system can be rebooted. Most of all, an attraction to Obama indicates you are, on some level, a romantic. You never had your JFK, your MLK, and you desperately crave one: What you want is to fall in love." -"The Amazing Race," John Heileman, New York Magazine, Feb. 4, 2008

And the more I read, the more I realize that it's not that black and white -- Dreamer vs. Doer. You can find statistics and arguments on both sides -- their policy initiatives are virtually identical. Obama is certainly qualified and has the experience needed to get the job done, regardless of how it compares to Hillary's. But Obama's candidacy, as Andrew Sullivan so eloquently promotes in this article in The Atlantic, is (5)"potentially transformational." ** I preface most of my beliefs with a plainfaced declaration of the impending apocalypse, the world going to hell in a handbasket, widespread human soul corruption and the degradation of humanity through a worship of consumerism. To quote Sullivan again: "If you believe the America's current crisis is not a deep one, if you think that pragmatism alone will be enough to navigate a world on the verge of even more religious warfare, if you believe that today's idealogical polarization is not dangerous, and that what appears dark today is an illusion fostered by the lingering trauma of the Bush presidency, then the argument for Obama is not that strong ... but if you sense, as I do, that greater danger lies ahead, and that our divisions and recent history have combined to make the American polity and constitutional order increasingly vulnerable, then the calculus of risk changes. Sometimes, (4) when the world is changing rapidly, the greater risk is caution." I believe, as he does, that we are in danger. I believe in a few things: honesty, generosity, kindness, second chances, selflessness, humility, freedom of expression, no judgments, possibility, and love. I believe in fun, and art, and truth. I believe that people who (needlessly) measure success in terms of financial power are cheating their souls and the world. I believe Obama is not one of those people, which is a true political anomaly. I'm bored with practicalities and tight-faced emotionless censored bullshit. I'm sick of bullshit. This guy makes my heart sing and he makes me cry. And because I'm a sucker and cause y'all have helped me believe in the transformative power of words, I still think that's a more important quality in a leader than who you know. I believe in the purest most idealistic thing possible, and I think that thing is this man. And I think ultimately it is the content of our hearts and souls that define our ability to make the right choices for the betterment of the human condition, not a set of policies and procedures and rules. He's real, authentic, honest, and we'd be foolish to let him pass us by.

"... the true genius of America [is] a faith -- a faith in simple dreams, an insistence on small miracles; that we can tuck in our children at night and know that they are fed and clothed and safe from harm; that we can say what we think, write what we think, without hearing a sudden knock at the door; that we can have an idea and start our own business without paying a bribe; that we can participate in the political process without fear of retribution, and that our votes will be counted -- at least most of the time." -Barack Obama, 2004 Democratic National Convention Keynote Address

**

"How did the fairy-tale prince from Camelot vanquish a field of heavyweights led by the longtime liberal warrior Hubert Humphrey? It wasn’t ideas. It certainly wasn’t experience. It wasn’t even the charisma that Kennedy would show off in that fall’s televised duels with Richard Nixon. Looking back almost 30 years later, Mr. Goodwin summed it up this way: 'He had to touch the secret fears and ambivalent longings of the American heart, divine and speak to the desires of a swiftly changing nation — his message grounded on his own intuition of some vague and spreading desire for national renewal.' In other words, Kennedy needed two things. He needed poetry, and he needed a country with some desire, however vague, for change ... For all the Barack Obama-J. F. K. comparisons, whether legitimate or over-the-top, what has often been forgotten is that Mr. Obama’s weaknesses resemble Kennedy’s at least as much as his strengths. But to compensate for those shortcomings, he gets an extra benefit that J. F. K. lacked in 1960. There’s nothing vague about the public’s desire for national renewal in 2008 ..."

(Frank Rich, The New York Times, Ask Not What J.F.K Can do for Obama )

** When I try to explain what I want to talk about in my book, the basic idea is this: I've been through enough to relate to a lot of stuff, but nothing so weird as to be too "out there" to be related to. I've straddled, embraced, struggled and commanded a number of difficult dichotomies and tried to ensure I don't let them become hypocrisies. I've failed more often than not, and I'm still generally guided by self-doubt, insecurity and the suspicion that I'm secretly a bad person. I'm not confident that I know what's going on, but I trust that I want to be a better person. And I think I need -- WE need -- heroes. And so, this asset is one I believe in: the power of varied experiences -- even just being close to, or working amongst, a relatively diverse sampling of our citizenry --

(2) to create a powerful person with something to offer to the world in return. I'm glad he's made mistakes and done drugs and been through it. Diversity of experience is, in my opinion, the single most powerful attribute for a leader of such a diverse nation. 

And also: I think he could be a hero. I've found myself thinking a lot about Pump up the Volume lately. That might sound crazy, and it probably is, but the film centers around an outcast kid played by Christan Slater who starts his own underground radio station, where as Happy Harry Hard-On he gives the kids in high school something to believe in. A voice that makes sense to them. The parents and the powers-that-be freak out because he tells kids to think for themselves and preaches "TALK HARD." It's an awesome movie. He's a hero. People who fight against the grain are always heroes to me. You guys should see it. 

 ** 

 On November 3rd, 2004, near closing time, I was in the back kitchen eating discarded bread from ignored bread-baskets with some line cooks and sous chefs and so on -- the other servers were all bitches, the kitchen staff was better company (this is true in most NYC restaurants, I've found). They were talking about the election (apparently they'd missed the rule of the night), though most of them weren't citizens and therefore hadn't voted. But some were, and still hadn't. "I didn't like any of 'em," a cook declared between bites. "Kerry, Bush, they're all the same. I'll vote when they get a black guy. Clinton's the closest thing we ever had to a black president, man. If we get another guy like Clinton, yeah, I'll vote, I voted for Clinton, both times." And so I hope people like that guy are voting, and so I think that they are. Krista told me that though Clinton will play the game well, Obama could re-make how the game is played, and I like that idea.

 **

Also you guys should all vote 'cause I totally forgot to register, I've never voted in a Primary before 'cause I didn't really care about the Primary elections in '00 or '04, Gore and Kerry had it in the bag. Also though I voted for them to be Presidents in the Important Election and they did not win, I was not impressed. Anyhow, so I didn't really think about how I hadn't registered to vote in the Primaries until like two weeks ago. Ho-hum. La di da. And by "ho-hum, la di da," I mean ... fuck. ** Yes We Can.

VLOG-Year in Review: Don't You Worry There's Still Time

Hey weirdos! Happy New Year! I thought I'd finish six months of the YIR pre-2008, but now it's the 31st, and I'd rather end the year with a post containing less apocalyptic undertones. So, I made a little Year in Review video. You're probs out on the town, causing ruckus and mayhem, and therefore unable to view this fine feature immediately on your sidekicks -- actually I feel like everyone I know is throwing a party. Like, who's gonna be left over to go to the parties if everyone is throwing their own party? Also, what about the band 'The Party'? They were really good. Hey, speaking of parties, you're gonna have a party in your pants when you see the new Autostraddle post about Episode One of Season Five, "LGB Tease," Lamest Godforsaken Bunk Title ever. I may or may not have seen this particular episode (not on ourchart, because I was at Carly's Big Effin Holiday Dinner last night with a bunch of homosexuals on their iphones playing Manhunt), and by that I mean "I may."

So, 2007: yeah, that happened. On a scale of one to ten, though it kept kicking our formidable asses, 2007 did not entirely blow. Bad shit happened, but I think everything's gonna be okay you guys, totally, no worries. So-- thank you. All of you. And those of you I found here, of course: Cait, Tara, Kim, Lozo, Carly, Alex/Semicolon, Stef, Crystal, Rachel, Caitlin, and many many many more. Thanks everyone for reading, and everyone who's emailed or talked to me or Hav or any of us, you know, whomevs. Whomevs you found here and whatevs you found here and also. also. also. I know it sounds cheesy as fuck, but it touches the hell out of me when I learn that something you experienced here helped you feel less alone in the world in some way, somehow. Knowing you were listening has helped me immensely, too. Rock on. I live in Planet Harlem, where people yell at each other really loudly at all hours and most of the time there are 6-8 crazy people standing on the block yelling into megaphones about the klan and Power -- I don't live in Brooklyn where everyone hides their feelings behind bangs and sunglasses that they purchased precisely for the purpose of showing their real feelings, so I'm allowed to say ridiculous gross sentimental things sometimes. 'Cause it could be worse, I could have a flier about it. Bla bla bla. Me. Me. Me. blablatypetypememmeblabalmemeememem. ... and then we emerged, to see the stars again. (thanks)